The Office, Season 7

Michael:
Having Luke here is a pretty big deal for me, because his mother - who also happens to be my half-sister - kind of cut me off from that side of the family 15 years ago...14. The last time I saw Luke was the opening day of "Ace Ventura II" and that was '95, so yes, 15 years on the dot. Anyway, I lost him in a forest.

Pam:
Dwight is about to get so Pammed!

Phyllis:
I'm glad Michael's getting help. He has a lot of issues, and he's stupid.

Michael:
Thank you, doctor. Take two of these [flips Toby off with both middle fingers] and call me in the morning.

Andy:
Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It's so powerful, even a lot of men can't resist a man singing show tunes.

Dwight:
All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders.

Holly:
Michael, I have been dating A.J. for a year and a half now. You do this, you know.

Michael:
Do what?

Holly:
You romanticize things.

Michael:
I don't romanticize th...No...

Holly:
Michael, you cried at that tagline for a movie you made up.

Michael:
"He had no arms or legs. He couldn't hear, see, or speak. This is how he led a nation."

Andy:
Okay, in that case, I will now show you how to put this condom on...using this pencil. What?

Oscar:
Why would you choose a pencil, Andy?

Andy:
Well, I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar! It's not exactly hard right now anyway.

Meredith:
Come on, give it a rest, pencil dick.

Pam:
Nothing happened. We went on a couple of dates. He never called me again.

Jim:
What? He never called you? I thought you said it just fizzled.

Pam:
That's fizzling. I mean, someone has to start the fizzle.

Jim:
Yeah, I thought you started it.

Pam:
No, I liked him. For a couple of days. Four years ago. You know I have a kid with you, right?

Michael:
This morning, Danny Cordray stole a sale from me. So what do I do? I go out and I steal Danny Cordray. The sale that mattered, I made. Boom. Funny thing about it, we don't even need him. We already have Packer on the road. Guh! Crap, I forgot about Packer...

Dwight:
If I was the real Scranton Strangler, you'd be so strangled right now. If you're out there, strangler, you will get caught! By me.

Jim:
Sounds like someone's really trying to convince us that he's not the Scranton Strangler.

Dwight:
To my chickens I'm the Scranton Strangler.

Michael:
Darryl Philbin is the greatest guy in the world. And you know what I'd like? I would like to have all the racists brought together and take Darryl Philbin out to lunch. Just to see what they're missing.

Stanley:
This is not the meal I was promised. I'm going to have no energy for the rest of the day.

Kevin:
I cancelled my plans to come to this thing, and they repay me with this?

Michael:
You know what, guys? Let's just enjoy lunch.

Kevin:
With what? How? Sometimes, Michael, sometimes...

Toby:
[looking up at the church ceiling] Why you always got to be so mean to me?

Andy:
Why does Erin like Gabe?

Darryl:
Andy, look, all I know is that if I was a girl, and I had to choose between the tall dude who loved Asia, and the you looking dude who loves sweaters and wearing sweaters...I'd choose you.

Andy:
That's really nice. Thank you.

Darryl:
And I'd blow your mind.

Michael:
If you break that girl's heart, I will kill you. It's just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl's heart, I will literally kill you and your entire family.

Stanley:
Yes, I have a dream, and it's not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there's a button that I can press and launch that lighthouse into space.

Gabe:
When you're dealing with a large organization, sometimes you have to put up with policies you don't like. I wish my gym didn't allow full nudity in the locker room, okay, so these old guys are walking around naked. Feels almost passive-agressive. But I deal with it, because it's policy. See what I mean?

Jim:
Nope.

Gabe:
Nudity makes me uncomfortable.

Jim:
Okay.

Gabe:
My gym allows it. I wish they didn't, but it's policy. So I respect it and I just...look away. Think about your commission cap as a naked old man in a gym locker room.

Dwight:
Owning a building is a war between the landlord and the tenant. Not a literal war, unfortunately, but I am using the same tactics. I've surrounded the enemy and I'm slowly starving them. To save on electricity, I've installed a timer and motion sensors on the lights. It's part of my green initiative. And by green, I mean money.

Jim:
Around here, Oscar is known as "Actually" because he will insert himself into just about any conversation to add facts or correct grammar. He really does fit that old stereotype of the smug gay Mexican.

Erin:
Who's Holly, guys?

Michael:
That is a good question, Erin. How do you describe somebody who is at the same time an old friend, and was a lover, and was a complicated part of my past, and maybe - just maybe - a part of my future?

Creed:
She's one sassy black lady.

Andy:
I don't have kids or anything, but if my grandmother ever dies, I'm going to kill myself.

Stanley:
I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18-years old. To get to sit in an air conditioned room, downtown, judging people while my lunch was paid for? That is the life!

[After meeting Angela's boyfriend Robert]

Oscar:
Robert seems great. He's very handsome, firm handshake, he's gay, good sense of humor.

Dwight:
In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all: it's fear. Merry Christmas.

Michael:
Today will either be the best or the worst day of my life. Holly gave AJ an ultimatum. He either proposes by New Year's or they break up. Now, if she's engaged, I'm gonna go crazy and I'm gonna start attacking people. If she's not engaged, in all honesty, I may just burn this whole place to the ground out of happiness.

Darryl:
You know what you guys should do? Go to the bookstore at lunch. There's tons of cuties and it's easy to talk to them. "Hey, what book is that? Cool, let's hang out tonight. Sex already? Whoa."

[cut to Darryl in interview]

Darryl:
My resolution is to read more. And if someone else is driving me to the bookstore, I can eat my PB&J in the car. 2011 is coming up all Darryl.

[Michael bumps into David Brent coming out of an elevator]

David:
Oh, sorry, mate.

Michael:
[in a poor British accent] "Oh, sorry, mate. Excuse me, mate."

David:
[laughing] What are you doing?

Michael:
English.

David:
You're picking on the wrong person, I can tell you that much.

Michael:
No, no, I'm not picking on you at all! You're English, correct?

David:
Yeah, big time, yeah. Who are you?

Michael:
I'm working on an English character. It's called Reginald Pooftah.

David:
Oh! David Brent, my liege. How are you?

[they shake hands]

Michael:
Michael Scott.

David:
Oh, righty-o. I do characters as well. I got a Chinese fella. Not politically correct, but he's called Ho Lee [bleep]. That's what it sounds like.

Michael:
I do Ping!

David:
"Herro! Herro!"

Michael:
"Herro, I'm Ping!"

David:
You can't do that these days.

Michael:
No, no, no, and people don't understand that it has nothing to do with making fun of a different nationality.

David:
No, no, comedy is a place where the mind goes to tickle itself. That's what she said! Hahahahaha!!!

[Michael hugs David]

Michael:
That's good! A pleasure to meet you!

David:
Where are you working?

Michael:
Dunder Mifflin.

David:
Any jobs going?

Michael:
No, not right now.

David:
Just let me know.

Michael:
Alright. See you around.

David:
OK, man.

Michael:
Bye-bye. [David walks off] What a nice guy.

Creed:
Two eyes, two ears, a chin, a mouth, ten fingers, two nipples. A butt, two kneecaps, a penis. I have just described to you the Loch Ness Monster. And the reward for its capture? All the riches in Scotland. So I have one question: Why are you here?

Erin:
Holly is ruining Michael's life. He thinks she is so special and she's so not. Her personality is like a 3. Her sense of humor is a 2. Her ears are like a 7 and a 4. Add it all up and what do you get? 16. And he treats her like she's a perfect 40. It's nuts.

Dwight:
You drive. I got a car full of fox meat.

Michael:
Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet, and the office is like the dragon that kept them apart.

Erin:
So tell me about your new girlfriend.

Andy:
She's neat. I met her at Darryl's cousin's party. We were the only two white people there.

Erin:
Aw, cute.

Michael:
[as Michael Scarn] It's going to take a lot more than a bullet to the brain, lungs, heart, back and balls to kill Michael Scarn!

Jim:
[as Goldenface] Oh, someone's coming alright. The only man who would care: Michael Scarn. See, I'm gonna lure him here, then I kill everybody, then I'm gonna dig up Scarn's dead wife and I'm gonna hump her real good.

[cut to Jim in interview]

Jim:
I did not love the dialogue. Or the character. I took the role to impress a receptionist who will remain nameless.

Michael:
I am a huge Woody Allen fan, although I've only seen Antz. But I'll tell you something. What I respect most about that man is that when was going through that stuff from the press that said Antz was basically a rip-off of Bug's Life, he stood true to his films, or at least the one I saw, which again is Antz. The thing is, I thought Bug's Life was better. Much better than Antz. Point is, don't listen to your critics. Listen to your fans.

Kevin:
I have very little patience for stupidity.

Jim:
Well this isn't my best, but call Froggy 101, say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we're giving away free tickets. We give him a number to call for the tickets and it's his own number.

Dwight:
Who is Justice Beaver?

Jim:
...He's a crime fighting beaver.

Pam:
[seeing Michael pouring gasoline all over the parking lot] Michael! Michael!

Michael:
Hi.

Pam:
Hi. I was just coming out to see what you were doing and to maybe stop you.

Michael:
Oh, you know what, you have a siphon? I think I'm gonna run out of gas.

Pam:
Why do you need more gas?

Michael:
Well, I'm writing a message.

Pam:
Is it a good message or a bad message?

Michael:
I'm asking Holly a question in fire.

Pam:
Are you proposing?!

Michael:
Maybe.

Pam:
Wow.

Michael:
Hey, you know what? I've got gas all over my hands and my shoes. Would you light it? Would you do the honors please?

Pam:
Yeah. Yeah, no problem. [grabs the lighter and runs away]

Michael:
Pam.

Pam:
Yep?

Michael:
Could you light this please?

Pam:
Michael, you've had two ideas today. And one of them was great. And the other one was terrible.

Michael:
I am not in the mood for riddles, Pam.

Pam:
This is terrible.

Michael:
[imitating Yoda] Holly Flax, marrying me will you be?

Holly:
[also imitating] Your wife becoming be will I.

[Michael puts the ring on Holly's finger, and they kiss as everyone else pours in to congratulate them]

Michael:
So, guys, guys, guys, guys, we're moving to Colorado.

Kevin:
All of us?

Michael:
Yep.

Jim:
Wait, what?

Michael:
Holly has to go back to Colorado. I'm going with her. I'm leaving.

Deangelo:
To beginnings and endings.

Michael:
And to middles, the unsung heroes. And to moms.

Deangelo:
The moms and the troops.

Michael:
Do not tell my fiance I'm drinking on a Wednesday.

Deangelo:
I won't. I don't know her.

Michael:
I'm moving out to the 'burbs. Actually, I'm moving further than the 'burbs, I'm moving to Colorado.

Deangelo:
Colorado! The Sunshine State.

Michael:
Yep. Don't mess with Colorado.

Deangelo:
Doing some skiing?

Michael:
No, no. I don't want to end up like Sunny Bobo.

Deangelo:
Well, that's just good sense right there. Everyone I know who skis is dead.

Deangelo:
Michael, the last time I was exposed to a peanut I was itchy for three days, OK? I had to take baths constantly. I missed the O.J. verdict. I had to read about it in the paper like an idiot.

Deangelo:
Uhhh, you sir! Are we having fun tonight?

Jim:
Having a great time.

Deangelo:
Oh good!

Jim:
Thanks, yeah.

Deangelo:
Where were you on September 11th?

Michael:
No! God!

Michael:
Sorry we're late, we were waiting in line at the DMV

Deangelo:
Fall asleep right after sex...right guys?

Jim:
Nope, go back to the script

[The entire office staff sings a surprise song to Michael to the tune of "Seasons of Love" from Rent]

Andy:
Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! We actually sat down, and did the math.

All:
Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's how many minutes, that you've worked here.

Pam:
In costumes!

Jim:
And impressions!

Toby:
In meetings.

Erin and Kelly:
And cups of coffee.

Kevin:
For birthdays!

Stanley:
More meetings and...

Women:
...E-mail forwards you made us read.

All:
Nine million, nine hundred eighty six thousand minutes! That's like watching Die Hard, eighty thousand times!

Meredith:
You hit me with your car!

Ryan:
You helped me get off drugs!

Creed:
I watch you when you sleep.

Oscar:
I forgive you for kissing me!

All:
Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call. Remember to call. Call.

Erin and Kelly:
Call, text or e-mail, or call.

Deangelo:
[falsetto] Measure your life in love!

All:
Remember to call, remember to call. Remember to call.

Dwight:
[reading Michael's recommendation letter] "To whom it may concern." Good, real personal. Thanks Michael. "The dictionary defines superlative as: of the highest kind, quality, or order, surpassing all else, or others. Supreme." That's great. If I wanted the dictionary definition, I'd buy a dictionary. "I define it as Dwight Schrute. As a sales executive, as a leader, as a man, and as a friend, he is of the highest kind, quality, and order. Supreme." [holding back tears] Lots more like that, really repetitive. What's this? [pulls out a small card from the envelope and reads it] "Two forty five, behind the building. Paintball." Oooh yeah.

Jim:
So I've been meaning to tell you, I wanna take you out for lunch. For your last day.

Michael:
Oh...

Jim:
What do you think? Tomorrow? Lunch, you and me?

Michael:
Okay...

Jim:
You're not leaving tomorrow. You're leaving today, right?

Michael:
Maybe.

Jim:
Wow, so that's it, huh? Just four o'clock and you are gone for good.

Michael:
Why am I so sad? Am I doing the wrong thing?

Jim:
Absolutely not. It's just that sometimes...goodbyes are a bitch.

Michael:
[pulls out a tape recorder and speaks into it] T-shirt idea: "Goodbyes Stink." [puts tape recorder away] Okay, alright. So, James Halpert. [starts to cry] You started with this company as a fine young man...

Jim:
You know what I think we should do? I think we should just save the goodbyes for tomorrow. At lunch.

Michael:
Oh, okay.

Jim:
And then tomorrow, I can tell you...[tears up]...what a great boss you turned out to be. The best boss I ever had.

Michael:
[voice-over as he leaves the office in a cab, arrives at the airport, and goes through security] Well, got almost everybody, so...Holly's my family now. She's my family, and the babies that I make with her will be my children. The people that you work with are just, when you get down to it, your very best friends. They say on your deathbed, you never wish you spent more time at the office, but I will. Got to be a lot better than a deathbed. I actually don't understand deathbeds. I mean, who would buy that?

[Cut to Michael at last checkpoint putting his shoes back on] Well, I guess this is it. Hey, will you guys let me know if this ever airs? Thank you. All right...oh. [Removes the wireless mic from his jacket] This is gonna feel so good getting this thing off my chest. [Hands device over. No audio] That's what she said. Bye.

[He walks a few steps until Pam, shoes in hand, catches up to him. The dialogue is not heard as they share a couple of hugs and a kiss on the cheek, and he walks down the airport as Pam looks on.]

Pam:
No, he wasn't sad. He was full of hope...about Colorado, and he was hoping to get an upgrade as an awards member. And he said he was just real excited to get home and see Holly.

Andy:
Oh, there's an inner circle. Oh yeah.

Jim:
There is no inner circle. Deangelo just prefers to delegate a few things to a few guys.

Kevin:
Jim only says that because he's in the inner circle. I also say that because I am also in the inner circle. Did you get that, Ma? Your boy, Kevin Malone, is IN the inner circle! Which doesn't exist.

Jim:
So this is my life. Until I win the lottery. Or Pam finally writes that series of young adult books.

Pam:
So one afternoon, while walking home from school, quirky 10th grader Becky Walters finds a wounded Pegasus in the woods. And she becomes...The Horse Flyer.

Jim:
Dwight has been acting manager for three months now. No, a week. Just feels like three months. Let's see, we all have to punch in to a time clock, which is very old, very strong, and has a slot about the size of a finger. We were all given new business cards big enough to set us apart from the competition, which is how I learned that our titles are all now "Junior Employee". Our lunch breaks are staggered to prevent wasting time. Mine's at 10:30, and I find that the first hour of the day goes by a lot quicker than the second seven hours.

Jo:
Dwight! Walk me out. Let's talk soon. And stay on top of these people. You gotta admit it - it's nice to have a little power, eh? How's it feel?

Dwight:
Jo, I accidentally fired a gun in the office today.

Jo:
What?!

Dwight:
I am telling you this because I care too much about this job to be blackmailed into doing it poorly. All I've ever wanted was to be manager here. And if you feel that you cannot promote me over this one accident, I understand. But if you think that extortion is worse...

Jo:
Shooting is worse! Are you kidding me? It's not even in the same...you shot a gun? What is wrong with you?

Dwight:
It was a Beaumont-Adams, if that helps.

Jo:
Beaumont-Adams is a girl's gun. That just makes it plain stupid.

Dwight:
I take full responsibility.

Jo:
Who else would be responsible?

Dwight:
Pam made me put a banana in my holster.

Pam:
You shot a gun off.

Dwight:
OK, did I make a mistake? Yes. Do I regret the decision that I made? Yes.

Jo:
Oh, stop asking yourself easy questions so you can look like a genius.

Dwight:
Got it.

Robert California:
You see, I sit across from a man. I see his face. I see his eyes. Now does it matter if he wants a hundred dollars worth of paper or a hundred million dollars of deep sea drilling equipment? Don't be a fool. He wants respect. He wants love. He wants to be younger. He wants to be attractive. There is no such thing as a product. Don't ever think there is. There is only sex. Everything is sex. You understand what I'm telling you is a universal truth, Toby.

Gabe:
Shut up about the sun. SHUT UP ABOUT THE SUN!!

Kelly:
Well, I manage my department, and I've been doing that for several years now. And, God, I've learned a lot of life lessons along the way.

Jim:
Your department's just you, right?

Kelly:
Yes, Jim, but I am not easy to manage.

Gabe:
Great. Um, could we just...

Kelly:
What was that?

Gabe:
We just have a lot of serious candidates to get through today, so...

Kelly:
Am I not a serious candidate?

Gabe:
What do you want me to say. I mean, there's a lot of qualified people out there, we have a video CV from England. Are we all just going to pretend... [off Jim and Toby's look] Okay. What are your weaknesses?

Kelly:
I don't have any, asshole.

Pam:
[Pretending to be a client so Creed doesn't ruin the company] Hello, this is...the client.

Creed:
It's Creed. FYI, I'm starting my own paper company, looking to poach some chumps. You in?

Pam:
Yes.

Creed:
[Laughs] Cool. Let's keep this on the QT, OK? I don't want you to be a dead mama jama.

Nellie Bertram:
First, I'll take down the cubicle walls. Symbol of transparency. There'd be no titles. Everyone has the same job. Same goes for me. I'll take your job by rejecting the title. Everyone will be known for their accomplishments.

Jim:
That's very interesting. Um, I feel like there might be a conflict there. And if a conflict did arise, how would that be dealt with?

Nellie Bertram:
Oh... yeah... Scratch everything from before. I'll tell you what: Go the other way. More cubicles. More division. Everyone is somebody's boss, and that person can fire the person below them. And once a month, the lowest person... [Imitates cutting throat] Buh-bye.

Stanley:
I worked for the last boss for 15 years. According to my doctor, I don't have another 15 years if I want to keep up the same dietary and sexual lifestyle, which I intend to.

Andy:
That kid is the worst. Needs to be fired, Michael.

Michael:
He's not the worst. Okay? He's not the worst. You know who's the worst? That intern we had a few years ago. That guy. Remember? That face, how ugly he was? He was the worst. Good worker, though. [starts drinking coffee] Mmm! It's not cappuccino.

Oscar:
He messed yours up, too.

Darryl:
He's got to go, Mike.

Michael:
It's just coffee, guys. But, yeah, I'll look into it, okay?

Ryan:
Psychiatrists tend to be more crazy than their patients. Therapists are whores. Psychiatry is a narcissism machine. I learned more from Dr Suess than Dr Freud. Earth. You don't have to be crazy to live here, but it helps. I don't know, just use the best one.

Michael:
Excuse me, everyone. SEX! Now that I have your attention...

Stanley:
You don't have our attention.

Michael:
MONEY!

Stanley:
I'm listening.

Kevin:
You had me at sex.

Michael:
Pervert.

Michael:
The world sends people your way. Ryan came to me through a temp agency. Andy was transferred here. No idea where Creed came from. The point is, you just have to play with the cards that you're dealt. Jim, that guy is an Ace. Dwight is my King up my sleeve. Phyllis is my Old Maid. Oscar is my Queen. That's easy. Give me a hard one. That's what Oscar said. Toby is the Instruction Card you throw away, Pam is a solid 7, and you know, Ryan is probably like a 2. Sometimes 2s can be wild, so watch out. And I'm obviously the Joker. So... [He hears noises from the phone and fax machine] That's, uh...

FAX Voice:
Wuphf from Ryan Howard: Decided to sell company. Thanks, bro. Hell of a ride.

Michael:
Thank God.

Andy:
I'm really excited to introduce you guys to Ryan Howard. He has achieved a great deal in the last—

[Kelly walks in and interrupts Andy]

Kelly:
But perhaps no achievement is greater than his on-again, off-again girlfriend.

Andy:
What are you…

Kelly:
Who am I? I'm Kelly Kapoor, the business bitch.