The Raccoons, Season 2 (1987)

Bert:
Only one person's gonna get that contract and that's me!

Cedric:
Says who, big shot?

Bert:
Says me, hose nose!

Bert:
Me without Cedric is like peanut butter without bananas, campfires without marshmallows...

Ralph:
(To Schaeffer) Bert without a messy room!

Cyril:
(singing) You can smell him from a mile, he's a man of wealth and style, the type that always makes the "ten best dressed"! Should that odour fill your air, beware! You're smelling millionaire, it's the man who knows the sweet smell of success!

Schaeffer:
We got a little help from that foghorn!

Bert:
WHAT?! That was ME singing!

Ralph:
Gee, I thought it sounded familiar!

Cyril:
Those pigs couldn't win an ant over with a picnic!

Cyril:
This new cologne of mine is the greatest invention since the tax dodge!

Cyril:
This success must not fail!

Pig One:
You'll be in demand all across the globe! In France... (Shows a projection of an amateurish cartoon of the band)

Pig Two:
Nice picture Lloyd!

Pig One:
Thank you! ...In India, in Egypt...

Pig Two:
...and in Cleveland!

Bert:
Cleveland? Wow! This sounds terrific!

Pig One:
If you come and work for Sneer Industries we'll make you all stars, plus you'll make a lot of money!

Pig Three:
(murmurs) Huh, for the boss!

Melissa:
Bert, isn't it a bit unusual to be up this early?

Ralph:
Nonsense Melissa, every day Bert rises at the crack of noon!

Bert:
(about the cologne, dazed) Now that's success!

Cyril:
Cut! That's a take!

Cyril:
Keep rolling! Perfect! This'll make Star Wars look like a slideshow!

Cyril:
Raccoon, meet your leading lady!

Bert:
(belatedly) Oh boy... this is more dangerous than greased roller skates! Yeeuck!

Cyril:
You furball! You're ruining the scene! Wait a minute... this is action! You're on a roll Raccoon! Go with it!

Ralph:
That cologne could ruin a skunk's self confidence!

Bert:
Wha... what do you mean? This stuff is great!

Ralph:
Bert, that "stuff" could end the cockroach problem!

Bert:
Hey! Where am I?

Schaeffer:
That looks like you there Bert, behind that bottle

Bert:
Boy, all of that work, and my best stuff doesn't even appear in the commercial! Huh! What a waste of my incredible acting ability!

Cyril:
No wonder my 'Sweet Smell of Success' isn't selling. My cologne's fine. But that raccoon's acting stinks!

Bert:
Look up in the sky! It's Bert Raccoon, king of the air!

Cyril:
We're under siege!

Pig Three:
We're underpaid!

Cyril:
Are you certain all safely precautions have been taken?

Pig One:
Don't worry sir. This place is sealed up tighter than the leftovers in a tupperware.

Pig Two:
Tighter even than your wallet!

Cyril:
My life is in serious danger.

Cedric:
Broo! Go fetch and Melissa and Ralph! Bring some ropes!

Bert:
Ropes nothing! Bring the whole fire department, and hurry up!

Cyril:
Fear? Fear? I'm afraid of nothing! Look at my hand (cuts to Cyril's hand, which is trembling) - steady as the economy!

Ralph:
All you have to do is confront your fears. Head on.

Melissa:
You heard me, Ralph. I get dizzy looking out the upstairs window.

Bert:
What's the difference between Cyril Sneer and a canoe? (pauses) That's right! A canoe tips!

Bert:
We've got more customers than Cyril Sneer's got bank accounts!

Pig Two:
It's a bill from the Mammoth Power Company!

Pig Three:
So what? (opens locker full of bills) We have hundreds of those!

Narrator:
The Raccoondominium is abuzz of excitement this Sunday morning, as Ralph and Melissa prepare themselves for a long awaited vacation.

Melissa:
Ralph! I think we've got everything we need for our canoe trip!

Bert:
Yeah, Ralphie, uh... as an experienced explorer, I can tell you, uh... you gotta travel light.

Ralph:
Oh, yeah, that reminds me. Here, Bert. Pack these. They'll come in handy.

Melissa:
Oh, no.

Bert:
(chuckles) Hey, listen to this! 100 Different Moose Calls... Travel by the Stars... Official History of the Can Opener! (chuckles)

Ralph:
Boy, am I looking forward to this trip to the great outdoors! I just love roughing it!

Bert:
Yeah! And you won't even have cable!

Ralph:
Well, that's it, Melissa! Now we're ready for anything!

Melissa:
Are you certain you'll be fine on your own, Bert?

Bert:
Ah, don't worry about me, Melissa. Cedric and I are gonna hike, swim, fish, bike, and uh, play some ball, eh, then after lunch, eh, we'll catch a couple of movies, and uh, eh, climb Freens Peak. You know, relax and stuff.

Ralph:
There. It all fits! And it's as light as a feather!

Bert:
Oh, that must be Cedric!

Aunt Gertie:
Hi, Melissa! Ralph?

Ralph:
Oh! Uh... hi, Aunt Gertie!

Aunt Gertie:
It's so good to see you!

Ralph:
Uh, Aunt Gertie, we were just expecting you! She's not supposed to arrive here till the 18th!

Bert:
Huh? Uh... today is the 18th, Ralph.

Ralph:
Oh, no!

Aunt Gertie:
And this must be Bert. I've heard so much about you.

Bert:
Oh yeah. Pleased to meet you. (to Aunt Gertie) Can I get you a wheelchair? I mean, a chair?

Aunt Gertie:
It's okay, my legs still work, dear.

Bert:
Now... did you say something about... peanut butter fudge?

Pig One:
Okay, let's go over this one more time!

Aunt Gertie:
Hiking is my middle name!

Cedric:
Mine is Sydney!

Pig One:
When we unleash this water tomorrow, there'll be enough electricity to make the lights on Broadway look like a 10-watt bulb!

Cyril:
Get the lead out! You bears are slower than the service at a French restaurant!

Melissa:
Hey! I don't remember pitching the tent this close to the water! Something strange is going on here.

Ralph:
Nonsense Melissa! It must have been a heavy dew!

Pig One:
Phew! Just in time!

Pig Two:
Now we can unleash the water of Phase One.

Pig Three:
But first thing's first!

All:
Right! Lunch!

Bert:
So what do you think of the view of the Evergreen River?

Aunt Gertie:
What river?

Bert:
Well you can't miss it, it's right over... What?! The river! It's gone!

Cyril:
YOU IDIOT! I wanted to push that! You blundering bacon buffoon!

Aunt Gertie:
Hang on Bert!

Bert:
To what?!

Bert:
(to Gertie who's driving the motorcycle he's sitting in) Do you have your pilot's licence for this thing?!

Cyril:
This is your first and final notice Mammoth. When the Sneer name goes up in lights, Mammoth Power will be snuffed out like a birthday candle!

Cedric:
Bert and I got this for you.

Aunt Gertie:
Wow! A brand new pair of hiking boots!

Cedric:
It's the ultra deluxe model. Good for 100,000 miles!

Bert:
Yeah, we figured these should last you a few weeks anyway!

Aunt Gertie:
I've got to get to the 60th annual stunt motorcycle and shuffleboard tourney.

Bert:
Well, we'd better start napping. We've gotta store a LOT of energy for Aunt Gertie's next visit!

Cyril:
The search for the fountain of youth? What's this all about?

Pig One:
According to this book sir, one sip from this legendary elusive fountain can give someone eternal youth!

Cyril:
Eternal youth? Preposterous! Ridiculous! Ludicrous! (A long pause while Cyril thinks the idea over in his head) Find it immediately!

Pigs:
Oh, yes sir! Yes sir, immediately!

Melissa:
Bert! Come on down! There's someone here to see you!

Bert:
I'll be right there!

Bert:
Uh... hi! You must be Bentley?

Bentley:
And you must be hurt.

Bert:
(chuckles) That's er... Bert! How was your trip?

Bentley:
Fine. How was yours?

Melissa:
Bentley, you're gonna be sharing Bert's room.

Bentley:
Mr. Bert, pleased to face your acquaintance.

Bert:
Hey! Smart kid! Uh... (chuckles) He knows a foreign language! Uh, by the way, Bentley... Bentley?

Melissa:
How was your run Bert? (Bert pants then faints) That's nice!

Cedric:
Pop, can I borrow your old track shoes and Varsity sweater? It's for the track meet.

Cyril:
These shoes and I have seen a lot of good years together. And this sweater, it went great with my old raccoon-skin coat!

Cedric:
(appalled) Pop!

Cyril:
(chuckles) Just a joke, son...

Bert:
Gee Bentley, I thought you had that ball for sure. Uh, you were right under it. Oh well, that's okay. Tomorrow, uh... we're gonna play football. Yeah, footballs are much easier to catch. And uh... after that, you can help me practice for the Forest Games!

Bentley:
Bert, enough! I'd prefer that tomorrow weren't like today.

Bert:
Huh? What does that mean?

Bentley:
Today, I tried everything you wanted me to. (He takes the hot water bottle off his head, showing a large bump) And what have I got to show for it?

Melissa:
Gee Bentley, Bert was just trying to show you how much fun games can be. He meant well.

Bentley:
He made me feel unwell. I just wanna sleep now. Okay?

Bert:
Okay, okay. Good night Bentley.

Melissa:
Good night.

Bert:
Hey Melissa, what am I doing wrong? What have I got to do to get through to that kid?

Cyril:
If I gave out as much as my back does, I'd be broke!

Cyril:
This stuff tastes terrible! It must be good for me! (He gulps more) Ha! Strange taste. Would go well with jelly!

Cyril:
You call that a jump? Now lift that bar. I want it higher!

Pig Two:
Higher sir?

Cyril:
Higher! Higher than my bank's interest rates!

Pig Two:
Oh, your colored imagery is so good!

Pig One:
It's an existential statement.

Pig Three:
I thought it was a tree.

Cyril:
Ah, the secret to great art. Buy cheap, and sell expensive!

Pig Three:
Stop the presses! I've always wanted to say that!

Cyril:
(About the painting) Fifty thousand dollars! I've seen better pictures on a cereal box!

Cedric:
I think it brightens up the room.

Cyril:
So does a lightbulb!

(Bert has put peanut butter into Ralph's bouillabaisse)

Ralph:
(livid) Bert, you've ruined it!

Bert:
Well... it's only a matter of taste, Ralph.

Ralph:
...And in the end, we can truly say that Cyril Sneer was, without a doubt, truly... pink.

Cyril:
When I think of all the lying and cheating I've submitted myself to. All the years I've spent amassing my fortune, all the people close to me I've had to push aside... then I think of the bad stuff!

Cyril:
I'm fading faster than a pair of jeans!

Melissa:
How's your tribute coming along?

Ralph:
When all is said and done, Cyril Sneer was truly, truly...

Melissa:
Yes?

Ralph:
That's as far as I got!

Cyril:
Oil! Black gold! Texas tea! Barrels and barrels of beautiful crude! I'll be rich! I mean, richer!

Cyril:
Mammoth? You know all those refineries and tankers I ordered? I wanna return it all! And I want to return all those oil rigs too! ...What do you mean I can't return it? Brand new, never been used! Did I read the small print? Of course I read the small print! Quick, read the small print!

Pig One:
I think you should read it, sir! It says right here, all sales final!

Cyril:
WHAT?! Oh no, Mammoth, there's nothing to worry about... none at all... AAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHH!

Lady Baden-Baden:
I do hope to see more of you at these functions.

Cyril:
(muttering) If there was any more of you at these functions, there wouldn't be room for anybody else!

Lady Baden-Baden:
Cyril, if you must insist on having pigs in the house, could you at least dress them up a bit? I have all my domestics wearing neckties. (She leaves)

Cyril:
(To the Pigs) The only neckties I have in mind for you three walking sausages are made out of rope!

Cyril:
I loved your mother.

Cedric:
Really Pop?

Cyril:
Yeah. She really knew how to make money!

Melissa:
Who do you want to win?

Lady Baden-Baden:
Well, Mr Knox is so, so, you know! And Mr Sneer is so, so, you know!

Melissa:
We do!

Melissa:
We've come to congratulate you!

Schaeffer:
And wish you good luck!

Cyril:
Thanks! I'll need it...

Pig One:
It's a bird!

Pig Two:
It's a plane!

Pig Three:
No! It's Superclam!

Bert:
Well, I guess I'll go see what titillating tidbits I can pick up.

Pig Two:
This time machine is foolproof!

Cyril:
That must be why you're using it!

Bert:
Now that's what I call time travel!