The Ren & Stimpy Show, Season 2

Svën:
I'm looking for you now. I'm finding you.

Stimpy:
I'm hiding in the closet...like an idiot.

[Ren returns home from work on a rainy day. He is shocked when he see's the house is a mess]

Ren:
[angrily] I knew it! Cat dirt... everywhere! [starts to get more angry, but suddenly calms down] Well, at least I'm home. I can continue my intellectual pursuits!

[A mellow Ren walks away, but then stops and is appalled at the sight of his opera records stuck to the wall]

Ren:
My opera records! COVERED IN BUBBLE GUM! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! [sniffles a little, then turns around and notices several germs exiting open jars and squirming down the drain] My collection of rare, incurable diseases! Violated! NOOO-OOO-OOOOO! [then see's his dinosaur droppings colored like easter eggs] My dinosaur droppings! Painted... like EASTER EGGS!

[Stimpy and Svën cease playing when they hear Ren's outburst]

Ren:
AAAHHHH!!!!!!! You... EEDIOTS!!! [Ren angrily stomps toward Stimpy and Svën, who back away several times until they hit a wall] YOOOOOUU... BOTH OF YOU!!! [He starts shaking angrily, but then transitions to a kind of sadistic calmness] Oh, what I'm gonna do to you. [He starts shaking his fists, thinking of ways to hurt Stimpy and Svën, who are cowering together; slowly] I'm so angry! First... I'm gonna tear your lips out. Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. And then, I'm gonna... gouge your eyes out! Yeah... that's what I'm gonna do.

Stimpy:
We don't like this, Ren!

Svën:
Ja, you scary us!

Ren:
Yeah. You're scared, huh? Next, I'm gonna... [mimes ripping their arms out and the dislocated arm dangling] TEAR your arms out of the sockets! [Stimpy and Svën whimper while rubbing their arms] And you wanna know what else? I'm gonna hit ya, and you're gonna fall... and I'm gonna look down... and I'm gonna laugh. [Stimpy and Sven both cry] But first... [Stimpy and Svën gasp] FIRST... [suddenly calm] I gotta take a whiz! Don't you go anywhere. [Points to the ground they're standing on] You stay right here... Right on this spot... I'll be back! [Ren stomps away, and over the "Don't Whiz on the Electric Fence game before turing around and noticing it] What's this stupid thing?!

Stimpy:
[cheerfully] It's a game, Ren!

Svën:
Ja, it's really fun!

[Ren takes a look at the game, then turns to Stimpy and Svën, then smiles evilly, coming up with an idea]

Ren:
Oh, ya like this game?

Stimpy:
Oh yeah, Ren!

Svën:
We love it!

Ren:
Oh, ya like the game, huh? Do you really like it?

Stimpy and Svën:
It's our favorite game in the whole world!

Ren:
Oh, ya like the game, huh? Then how do you like this?!

[Ren produces a fly on his crotch and unzips it. Stimpy and Svën only look in horror as Ren whizzes all over the game. Ren looks at Stimpy and Svën giggling manically. Then the whole house explodes, sending the trio to Hell. The Devil appears.]

The Devil:
So, you whizzed on the electric fence, did ya?

Commercial Jingle:
Don't Whiz on the Electric Fence!

Stimpy:
Hey Ren, he reminds me of your uncle Eddie.

Ren:
Why's that?

Stimpy:
'Cause he's big and stinky!

Ren:
[slaps him] Hey! You shouldn't say mean things like that. Did you ever consider that this horse might have feelings?

Johnny:
Dear Stimpy, I have a... secret. I know I can tell you, because you are nice, and would not tell anybody. I'm afraid to tell my friends, because they'll laugh.

Ren:
Aww...

Johnny:
I know you would never laugh at me.

Ren:
Uh-uh!

Johnny:
So... here's my secret. Every night... I wet the bed.

[Ren is aghast.]

Johnny:
I can't help it! Please tell me what to do. Your friend, Johnny.

[Ren thinks for a while, then starts writing a response.]

Ren:
Dear Johnny... You make me SICK!!! You probably wet the bed on purpose! I have written letters to everybody at your school warning them never to sleep over with you. Your friend...

Stimpy:
[shocked] REN!!!

Anthony's dad:
[to Ren and Stimpy] Let's get something straight here. I don't like you. I don't like cartoons. You're here for one reason. My son, Anthony, likes you, and as long as you're good to my boy, you can stay. But if you do anything... to destroy his beliefs, or harm him... in any way... [gets choked up] so help me... [crying] Excuse me. Don't you even put that picture in my head. Do we understand each other?

Ren and Stimpy:
[in unison] We understand, very well.

[Victor has knocked Anthony unconscious and Ren is trying to wake him up. Just then, Anthony's dad comes outside and sees what is happening; he mistakes Ren's attempts to save his son as an attack.]

Anthony's dad:
[devastated] No... No...!

Ren:
[desperate] Snap out of it, I tell you!

Anthony's dad:
[approaches Ren] Get off. Get off my son.

[Ren complies.]

Anthony's dad:
[crying] Oh... Oh, Anthony... My beloved child.

[Anthony's dad picks Anthony up and starts praying to God.]

Anthony's dad:
I know I've strayed from Your path. And, maybe I don't go to church often enough. But, You know I'm a good man. I don't ask for much. But I'm asking... for this one thing. Please... don't take my boy from me. Give him a couple more good weeks.

Ren:
[crying] I didn't do it, man!

Anthony's dad:
[angrily] Alright, you two. You march into the house. Meet me in the DEN.

[Anthony's dad is confronting Ren and Stimpy in the den.]

Anthony's dad:
Oh... You guys are big shots. [chuckles] Big shots from Hollywood. Is that what makes you feel big? Huh?! Pushing little boys around? Ya feel like big men, playing with little boys' feelings, huh?! You Hollywood types make me SICK! You think because you come from HOLLYWOOD, you can push decent people around. People who work for a living! I work my fingers to the bone, to feed my wife, and... [chokes up] my boy, Anthony. [crying] Oh, Anthony, you've got to pull through! [becomes angry again] I bet you wussies never worked a stinkin' day, in your stinkin' little lives! Show me your hands!

[Ren and Stimpy present their hands to Anthony's dad.]

Anthony's dad:
Just as I thought. Soft as a baby's head. Well, look at these hands! [shows Ren and Stimpy his hands, which have rocks growing out of them] These are the hands of a working man! What'd you ever do for society anyway, just what do you do to earn your keep?

Stimpy:
Eh... Well, we make people laugh.

Anthony's dad:
Real hard work, making people laugh. Did you go to school to make people laugh? Listen. I make people laugh, too. But nobody gives ME money! You wanna hear a joke?

Stimpy:
Well, I...

Anthony's dad:
I'll tell ya a joke. And you're gonna laugh! Alright. Here's the joke. Ya ready? Why did they bury the fireman... behind the hill? Come on, funny guys, huh? Huh, huh? Why?

Ren and Stimpy:
[trembling with fear; in unison] We don't know why they buried the fireman behind the hill...

Anthony's dad:
I'll tell ya why. Because he was DEAD!

Stimpy:
[laughs] That's pretty good, huh, Ren? Maybe we could use that.

[Ren smacks Stimpy.]

Anthony's dad:
Alright, funny guys. I wanna know something. [increasing with anger] I just wanna know one thing... JUST ONE THING FROM YOU... [suddenly casual] So what makes you guys move, anyway?

Shaven Yak:
SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!! I can't STAND IT ANYMORE!!! All the time, singing! SINGING! Why won't he STOP?! Listen! You hear that? [Starts laughing maniacally]

Ren :
What's on TV tonight?

Stimpy:
I don't care.

Ren:
Commander Hoek and Cadet Stimpy!

Stimpy:
I don't care.

Ren:
Hey look. It's time for Muddy Mudskipper!

Stimpy:
I don't care.

[Ren looks concerned for a moment, then has an idea]

Ren:
Look what I got for you! A new catnip mouse!

Stimpy:
[turning it away] Ah....

Ren:
Mr. Catnip Mouse!

[Ren tries to get Stimpy to play with the mouse, but Stimpy doesn't respond, then Ren has another idea]

Ren:
It's Mr. Litter Box! Come on! Take a stinky one! [scratches steps] Nice and stinky!

Stimpy:
Stinky... [loud, violent crying]

Ren:
[annoyed] So THAT's it! YOU'RE still crying about your imaginary BUTT stinkyness!

Stimpy:
I'm not listening to this anymore! He's real. He's REAL! He's REAL!

Ren:
Look, man! It's time to get over this fantasy of yours. Let the wound heal. Come on, man, I'll help you. Together, we'll get through this, okay, buddy?

Stimpy:
I don't care.

[At this point, Ren has finally lost his patience]

Ren:
FINE! Sit here and wallow! You FAT, You -you STUPID... WHO NEEDS YA?! [storms off]