The Shield, Season Five

Shane:
I like my women tiny.

Tina:
So your dick fits better?

[Suspect vomits off second-floor balcony onto Billings below]

Billings:
Shit--goddammit, this is a new suit!

Claudette:
[about Tina] She's way too young for you.

Dutch:
I am mature and distinguished. A lot of young women appreciate that.

Claudette:
You really oughta cut back on the porn.

Kavanaugh:
Why is it that the guy with the conscience always gets caught holding the bag? And we don't ever want that guy, do we? We want the guy that put him into motion.

Vic:
I'll walk out the front door on my own before I'll let someone push me out the back!

Shane:
So we close a triple murder before breakfast, start a race war before dinner. That's a pretty good day.

Vic:
Still no Lem?

Shane:
Left a second message. He's probably knee-deep in a booty call.

Ronnie:
Hope he's gettin' the cop discount.

Shane:
Yeah, I hear yours charges by the minute.

Ronnie:
Hey, I get mine for free.

Vic:
Must be seeing a charity worker.

Kavanaugh:
We've both been through enough of these. So I can be straight with you. Yeah?

Lem:
Sure

Kavanaugh:
Every guilty suspect that you've ever interviewed started with... Denial. Right?

Lem:
So did the innocent ones.

Vic:
Ah. You must be Doomsday.

Doomsday:
Who are you?

Vic:
I'm Armageddon. Say hello to the hounds of hell.

Shane:
Ruff.

Vic:
I feel like there's some unfinished business between us.

Lem:
What's that?

Vic:
It's this Terry thing. You thought I was hiding something from you. Here's the truth... I swept through that house. I cleared that bathroom. At least I thought I did. Somehow Two-Time got past me. I left Terry exposed... I made a mistake. I never told anybody. I thought it was my fault. That's something I've been living with for a long time now. Finally, I decided to move on. Something you're gonna have to push past too.

[Vic gets up and writes 'We Together?' for Lem to see]

Lem:
Yeah.

Vic:
Okay. [Lem looks Vic in the eye and shakes his hand]

Dutch:
I can't have other colleagues as friends?

Claudette:
Marshall has quite a reputation as a man's man, if you know what I mean.

Dutch:
He's...he's gay?

Claudette:
While you were reading faces, he was reading your package...have fun, though.

[After trashing a home looking for evidence, and finding nothing, Strike Team members look at a bed]

Shane:
No, it can't be that easy.

Vic:
He's an ex-con from Mexico, it damn well could be.

[Vic tosses the bed and cuts mattress open]

Lem:
Jackpot.

Shane I wouldn't expect any clemency with the Terminator as Governor.

Lem:
I must've ate something this morning. Third time I gotta shit today.

Vic:
Be sure to inform us of number four.

Ronnie:
You tell Leon he's in the clear?

Shane:
Yeah, freak tried to hug me.

Vic:
But you insisted on the blowjob.

Julien:
He threw a bottle at the car, cracked the windshield...

Tina:
Then he asked if he could smell my sweet spot.

Vic:
Even Shane stopped using that line...

Becca:
I've seen these things go down. Everyone eventually needs to look out for themselves.

Vic:
You don't understand. We're not the typical lowlifes that you represent. We're a family. We're surviving this together, or we go down together.

Corrine:
Some IAD guy's been coming to the kids' school. Trying to get me to say things about him.

Dutch:
IAD's into Vic? I wonder what they've got on him. I mean, probably take your pick.

Corrine:
You be gentle. His sister just died.

Vic:
I'm oozing gentle.

Billings:
Hey, be careful with that! It's a sophisticated piece of machinery!

Delivery Man:
It's a vending machine. You put money in, shit comes out.

Billings:
It's a gourmet quick mealer, asshole!

Popovich:
Who says there is never police around when we need them, hmm?

[Everyone starts laughing]

Vic:
Who says that?

Kavanaugh:
[listening via planted bug] Yeah, who says?

Vic:
There's someone I want you to meet.

Shane:
Who? [Turns around and sees Becca talking on her phone] She's that lawyer chick right?

Vic:
Yeah.

Shane:
You hitting that?

Vic:
No, I hired that.

Shane:
Better check your color, honky.

Casper:
Man, I get more black ass than a bus bench in Compton.

Shane:
Payback's a bitch.

Vic:
Yeah, and karma's a whore.

Aceveda:
I'm Chairman of the Police Committee. This is a fight you don't want.

Kavanaugh:
I didn't want any of it. But I'm here… and I'm staying.

Vic:
[to Kavanaugh] Why don't you tickle your balls on your own time?

Kavanaugh:
There are rules.

Sadie:
Then break one.

Kavanaugh:
What I do is stop cops from breaking the rules. I can't stop them if I can't stop myself.

Sadie:
Then try bending one just once.

Kavanaugh:
I'm an Internal Affairs Lieutenant. That's, that's who I am.

Kavanaugh:
[about Billings] No wonder these guys get away with murder, the Captain's more concerned with the sandwich machine than he is with personnel.

Kavanaugh:
I never authorized the use of a wire.

Vic:
Well I know how much you love them. Figured I'd try one for a change.

Kavanaugh:
How do I know you even have s--t on these guys?

[Antwon hold's up Shane's picture]

Antwon:
Shane Vendrell. I could bury this banjo playing asshole. Bitch likes to talk… the walk, but if you put a boot on his throat, his eyes tear up like a little bitch. And bitches, they give up their buddies. That's what makes them bitches!

Antwon:
[to Kavanaugh] The price is simple. I help you put away these four fine young men, you make sure you put them away right here.

Aceveda:
But I'm hardly in the same category as you and your guys.

Vic:
Really? You think if Kavanaugh is successful, I'm going to go down quietly? [laughs] I will scorch the earth covering this whole department, starting with you! I can tie you to every bullshit thing that Kavanaugh's accusing me of, and then some! Your stink will smell in every voting booth in the city! On the other hand… you want that little nameplate on your desk to read "Mayor" someday? We work together!

Corrine:
What did I do to deserve this?

Kavanaugh:
You married the wrong man, Corrine.

Vic:
[to Dutch] Well, seein' as you and Claudette's wonder twin powers aren't fully activated yet, I'll do you a favor. Pick up the slack on this one.

Kavanaugh:
And Mackey skates clean? This guy... this guy is just pissing... just pissing all over us, and we just smile and lick it up? Vic Mackey kills cops! He... he deals drugs! He beats suspects! You know what he did yesterday? He... he screwed my ex-wife with the sole purpose of making this investigation seem like a personal vendetta. He may have assassinated a gang leader. And that's just all in one day. I wonder what he's going to do today. I wonder what he's going to do tomorrow. This guy... this guy is just pissing... he's pissing all over us. He's pissing on you. What does it taste like? Chief, what does it taste like, 'cause you know what, it tastes like piss to me!

Kavanaugh:
Seen this guy?

[holds up picture of Vic]

Sadie:
Yeah, he came through

Kavanaugh:
Are you OK?

Sadie:
Why do you care?

Kavanaugh:
Did he hurt you?

Sadie:
You're the only one who ever hurts me, John... That's not gonna happen again.

Kavanaugh:
I just.. Can you just.. Tell me what he did, just tell me what happened. Just, what'd he do?

Sadie:
What did he do? Well, he made me cum. That's what he did.

Kavanaugh:
Pretty soon there is gonna be a lonely room filled with empty lockers, huh?

Lem:
You and me are the only ones on the way out. I just cut a deal with the D.A.

Kavanaugh:
What deal's that?

Lem:
Why don't you ask the Chief? It's sitting on his desk waiting for his signature.

Vic:
He'll be out on parole before the blood rushes back to your face.

Vic:
[to Kavanaugh] Let me remind you of a few things you seem to have forgotten. I didn't kill Terry. You've lost your leverage with Lem. And your ex-wife's pussy...tastes like sweet butter.

Claudette:
[after being named captain] I need your support. I've got my work cut out for me.

Dutch:
You'll do fine. Whoever sits up there has to have an active mistrust of everyone and everything in this place. I can't imagine anyone better suited to the job.

Shane:
[after killing Lem with a grenade] I'm sorry...I'm sorry, buddy...I'm so sorry, buddy...Lem! Lem, I'm sorry! But I had to, right? But you know I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, man...buddy...oh God...

Kavanaugh:
[when they realize that Lem is dead] Are you happy now, Detective Mackey?

Claudette:
Track down whatever you can find. Run everything by me. And Vic, that renegade s--t's not gonna fly on my watch, but you already knew that.

Shane:
It looks like a new Sheriff just limped into town.

Dutch:
[to Claudette] The only reason I was hanging around here was because we were partners, and now that's gone. I'd just like to move on.

Vic:
[final line of the season] We're gonna find out who did this...and we're gonna kill 'im.