The Vampire Diaries, Season 3

Damon:
Morning.

Elena:
Hey, I was gonna- (turns, sees Damon naked) OH! (quickly turns back around) You heard me! You knew that I was here.

Damon:
Hey, you should learn to knock. What if I was... indecent?

Elena:
Sheriff Forbes gave us another location to check. Memphis.

Damon:
Another dead-end, you mean.

Elena:
You don't know that.

Damon:
You're right, Elena. This could be the one. After almost two months, this could be the clue that tells us Stefan is alive and well and living in Graceland.

Alaric:
(sees bloody corpses) Ugh. Vampire, for sure.

Damon:
Stefan, for sure.

Alaric:
How do you know.

Damon:
It's his signature; there's a reason they call him "the ripper." Feeds so hard he blacks out and rips them apart, but then when he's done, he feels remorse. It's the damndest thing - he puts the bodies back together.

Alaric:
"Back together"?

Tyler (to Elena, about Damon):
But you kissed him. Probably screwed with his head.

Stefan:
My brother still on our trail?

Klaus:
He's getting closer, I'm gonna have to deal with that.

Stefan:
No, no no. Let me handle that.

Klaus:
Why should I let you leave?

Stefan:
Cause you know I'll come back.

Klaus:
Do I?

Stefan:
You saved my brother's life, I'm at you're service.

Klaus:
Aah, you all sound so tedious, aren't you even having the least bit of fun?

Stefan:
I'll make sure that my brother doesn't bother us any more.

Elena:
Don't worry, I'm not gonna lose it. At least not before the cake.

Damon:
(shrugs) It's your party. You can cry if you want to.

Damon:
(stops two girls carrying a liquor bottle) Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey. (points to the bottle) You don't want that. You want the cheap, young stuff over by the cheap, young people.

Alaric:
I am every parent's worst nightmare. I am the chaperone teacher from hell.

Damon:
I love high school parties.

Damon:
(sees Elena approaching) Hello, birthday girl!

Elena:
(reaches out her hand) Drink! (takes Damon's glass) Jeremy's smoking again.

Damon:
Is his stash any good?

Elena:
You're an ass. (to Alaric) Talk to him. Please? He looks up to you. (give back the glass and walks away)

Damon (to Ric):
You're screwed.

Damon (to Alaric):
Drink more - it'll feel less weird.

Damon:
(at the news station; answers his phone) Party central.

Elena:
Damon? Where are you?

Damon:
I'm by the...punch bowl!

Elena:
Don't do that, Damon, don't lie to me! I saw your closet.

Damon:
Oh...oh! I gotta go break up beer pong! (hangs up quickly)

Damon:
Stefan.

Stefan:
Hello brother.

Damon:
You don't write, you don't call...

Stefan:
I need you to stop following me - it's causing some problems.

Damon:
With who? Klaus? I'm supposed to care what he thinks?

Stefan:
What you're supposed to do is let me go.

Damon:
I saw your artwork in Tennessee. You're walking a fine line there, my friend. Keep that up and there will be no saving you.

Stefan:
See, the thing is, I don't need any saving. I just want you to let me go.

Damon:
Well, I've got a birthday girl at home that's not gonna let me do that.

Jeremy:
What are you doing?

Matt:
I can't find my truck!

Jeremy:
That's probably a sign you shouldn't be driving it.

Caroline (to Damon):
Hey! You missed the cake.

Damon:
Can we not do this right now? I'm having a really bad night.

Elena:
All summer, every single time I came to you with a lead, you made me feel like an idiot for having hope...

Damon:
You were an idiot. (pauses) We both were.

Elena:
Tell me what you know, Damon.

Damon:
I need you to get back to your party, Elena.

Elena:
We're supposed to be in this together. Why didn't you tell me that you've been tracking Klaus's victims?

Damon:
Because they're not "Klaus's victims", Elena, they're Stefan's!

Elena:
...What?

Damon:
He's left a trail of body parts up and down the eastern seaboard.

Elena:
No. You're wrong.

Damon:
I've seen it happen before. He's flipped the switch; full-blown ripper.

Elena:
Stop it, Damon.

Damon:
No you stop it, Elena. Stop looking for him. Stop waiting for him to come home. Just stop! Stefan's gone and he's not coming back. (pauses) Not in your lifetime.

Damon:
Happy Birthday, Elena. Stefan killed Andie! Cake?

Klaus:
Please, forgive the intrusion. My name is Klaus.

Werewolf:
You're the hybrid.

Klaus:
You've heard of me. Fantastic.

Damon:
Get out of the water, Elena.

Elena:
If I get out of the water, you're gonna make me go home.

Damon:
Yes, because I'm not an idiot, like you.

Alaric:
Right now you're both acting like idiots.

Damon:
(sighs) Okay. Okay! But we are out of here before the moon is full and I'm werewolf bait.

Elena:
I promise.

Damon:
Unless you wanna relive that whole "deathbed kissy-thing."

Stefan:
Some master race.

Klaus:
Lose the attitude.

Damon:
How you doing?

Elena:
Fine.

Damon:
You know, I could help you.

Elena:
No, thanks.

Damon:
Just one little 'fwoosh'... (indicates jump)

Elena:
Yeah, with my luck, you'd drop me.

Alaric:
What are you guys, twelve?

Tyler:
You put vervain in my coffee this morning. Why?

Carol:
Vervain? What are you talking about?

Tyler:
Let's skip the part where we pretend we don't know about the vampires in this town. You were testing me to see if I was a vampire. I want to know why.

Carol:
You've been spending so much time with Caroline...I had to know for sure.

Tyler:
What does Caroline have to do with it?

Carol:
Let's skip the part where we pretend she's not one of them.

Carol (about Caroline):
You can't be with her. She's a monster.

Tyler:
You don't know about me, do you?

Carol:
Know what? Know what, Tyler?

Elena:
(douses rope with vervain) Here Ric, take these.

Damon:
(goes to grab them; gets burned) Ah! Ow!

Elena:
I said Ric.

(Elena trips and falls)

Damon:
Don't move.

( Elena looks up; she is face-to-face with a werewolf)

Damon:
Here, doggy doggy... (wolf runs after him; both disappear)

Alaric:
Come on, let's keep moving.

Elena:
We can't leave Damon!

Alaric:
He can handle himself, let's move.

Elena:
No. If he gets bit, he'll be dead. I'm the reason he's out here!

Alaric:
I am the reason he's out here. I told him where we were, and I'm telling you to keep moving. Let's go, Elena! Now!

Tyler:
You think Caroline's a monster? I'm the monster, mom.

Stefan:
What part of "don't follow me anymore" got lost in translation, Damon?

Damon:
Might wanna take it up with your girlfriend. You don't want her chasing you, I'd stop with the late-night phone calls.

Elena:
Stefan's out there somewhere, and now Damon, and we're just sitting in this car?

Alaric:
Let the vampires fight the hybrid zombie mountain-man. I'll take care of keeping the humans safe.

Alaric:
Oh, boy. Are you a sucker for a lost cause, or what?

Elena:
You're not a lost cause, Ric! You're just...lost. But so is Jeremy. And so am I. Our family is gone. We don't have anybody and, I'm sorry, but you don't have anybody either, so... We're kind of good for each other.

Elena:
Damon? Are you okay? Did you...?

Damon:
Fine, bite-free. Get back in the car, please.

Elena:
Can you just give me a minute to appreciate that you're not dead?

Damon:
I'll give you ten seconds. Nine...eight... (begins pushing her towards the car) Hey, Ric, did you happen to see where I parked my car?

Jeremy:
You know, I don't remember her dying. I don't know if Caroline told you that when she told you everything.

Matt:
Nah, she didn't.

Jeremy:
Elena made them take that memory away from me - thought I "couldn't handle it." So whatever my last moment was with her...I don't have it.

Matt:
I don't, either. I don't remember the last moment I had with Vicki before she was a vampire. When she was still my sister.

Anna (as a ghost):
Jeremy. Don't trust Vicki.

Klaus:
You look like hell.

Stefan:
Last I checked, I'm dying.

Klaus (to Stefan):
We're leaving. It appears...you're the only comrade I have left.

Elena:
(finds Damon in her bedroom) Seriously?

Damon:
I was wrong.

Elena:
...Are you drunk?

Damon:
No. ...I thought Stefan was gone, but I was wrong.

Elena:
You saw him out there? Damon, is he okay?

Damon:
No, he's not okay, Elena. He's an insufferable martyr who needs his ass kicked. But he can be saved.

Elena:
What happened out there? What changed your mind?

Damon:
I changed my mind because, even in his darkest place, my brother still can't let me die. So I figure I owe him the same in return. I'll help you bring him back.

Damon:
You had a bag full of weapons and a teacher with an eternity ring. You could've kept going.

Elena:
It was too dangerous.

Damon:
It was too dangerous going out there to begin with, so what was it?

Elena:
Why are you being like this?

Damon:
What changed your mind, Elena?

Elena:
I didn't want to see you get hurt, okay?! I was...I was worried about you.

Damon:
Thanks. (starts to leave)

Elena:
(sighs) Yes, I worry about you. Why do you even have to hear me say it?

Damon:
(stops) Because when I drag my brother from the edge and deliver him back to you, I want you to remember the things you felt while he was gone.

Damon:
(passing Alaric on the stairs) How's it going, Ric?

Alaric:
(watches Damon go, then turns to Elena) Know what you're doing, there?

Elena:
No. (exhales) I don't.

Bill:
Hello, Caroline.

Caroline:
Daddy?

Damon (on the phone):
Katherine. Where are you?

Katherine:
Lurking outside your window, pining away.

Damon:
What do you want?

Katherine:
I'm homesick. What have I missed?

Damon:
Well, Stefan's still Klaus' little prisoner, and Elena still thinks she can save him, and no one's thought about you since you left.

Katherine:
And what about you? I'm sure, now that you've given up on your brother, you're plotting some way of moving in on his girlfriend.

Damon:
I didn't give up on him. I just don't know where he is.

Klaus:
Chicago was magical.

Stefan:
Yeah, well, I'll take your word for it. Like I said, I don't remember most of it.

(Elena rolls over in bed)

Damon:
Rise and shine, sleepyhead...

Elena:
(jolts awake) Ah! What are you doing? Get out!

Damon:
You know you were dreaming about me. Explains the drool.

Elena:
Oh my god. 6 AM? Seriously? You don't have anything better to do at 6AM?

Damon:
I sure hope we find him, 'cause it would suck if your last memento of Stefan was that crappy, old necklace.

Elena:
It's an antique, Damon. Like you.

(driving to Chicago)

Damon:
(reading Stefan's journal) "March 12th, 1922. I've blacked out days. I wake up in stranger's blood in places I don't recognize, with women I don't remember." (gasps) I'm shocked. Stefan's not a virgin?

Elena:
(takes the journal) Eyes on the road, grandma.

Damon:
Fine. Back to my game. Tell me if you see a Florida plate.

(flashback - Chicago, 1920s)

Rebekah:
Sorry to crash the fun boys, but some of us actually came here to hear the music, not you.

Stefan:
I'm so sorry sweetheart, are we offending you?

Rebekah:
It takes a lot more than a baby face like this to offend me.

Stefan:
Hey, are you even gonna tell me your name?

Rebekah:
Sure, when you earn it.

Gloria:
You got to be kidding me.

Klaus:
So a hybrid walks into a bar, says to the bartender...

Gloria:
Stop. You may be invincible, but that doesn't make you funny.

Elena:
Stefan could have lived anywhere in Chicago, and he chose this?

Damon:
There used to be an all-girls high school around the corner, but it shut down for attendance issues. Weird.

Damon:
Here we are. Stefan's second personality home.

(Damon opens a hidden cabinet)

Elena:
Stefan hid his alcohol. What a monster.

Damon:
Look harder.

Elena:
(sees huge list on the wall) It's a list of names.

Damon:
Mm-hmm.

Elena:
These are all of his victims?

Damon:
Still handling it?

Elena:
What were you doing in the 1920s? Paving the way for women's liberation?

Damon:
I was around. Chicago's a big city. Stefan was a cocky ripper douche, but I could avoid him and still indulge in a few Daisy Buchanans of my own.

Gloria:
Well, look what the wind blew in. Last I heard, you hated this place.

Damon:
Gloria. Damn! If I knew you were gonna age like this, I would have stuck around.

Gloria:
I always did like you better.

Gloria:
I don't think so. You may be cute, but you're still a vampire.

Elena:
I told you I was practically discovered by Klaus, and you're worried about what I'm wearing?

Damon:
I had an hour to realize what a bad idea it was to leave you here alone, process it, and move on. (pauses) Are you okay?

Elena:
Yeah.

Damon:
Ok, good. Get dressed. You're all road-trippy and gross.

Caroline:
Why are you trying to fix me?

Bill:
So I don't have to kill you!

Stefan:
So, I'm confused. If we were such great friends, then why do I only know you as the hybrid dick who sacrificed my girlfriend on an altar of fire?

Stefan:
What is wrong with you?!

Damon:
What is wrong with you? You kill Andie one day, you save my life the next. What are you, good? Bad? Pick one!

Stefan:
Klaus almost saw Elena today. You have to get her out of Chicago.

Damon:
She's not going anywhere until she's got you checked into vampire rehab and on the mend. Trust me, I've tried.

Stefan:
She is the key to everything. Klaus can't know she's alive.

Damon:
What are you talking about?

Stefan:
She was supposed to die in the sacrifice, and she didn't - now Klaus can't create any new hybrids. And his witch is seconds away from figuring that out. Tell Elena to go home and forget about me.

Damon:
Tell her yourself.

Klaus:
I see they've opened the doors to the riffraff now.

Damon:
Oh, honey, I've been called worse.

Klaus:
You don't have to negotiate your brother's freedom. When I'm done with him, he won't want to go back.

Elena:
Lexi found you like this before, in the 20s, and-- and she saved you.

Stefan:
And you know what I did after that? I spent 30 years trying to pull myself together. To a vampire, that's nothing. To you? That's half your life.

Elena:
I can't give up on you, Stefan.

Stefan:
Yes, you can. It's done - that part of my life is done. I don't want to see you. I don't want to be with you. I just want you to go.

Rebekah:
There has to be more to this dress.

Stefan:
There's not.

Rebekah:
So women in the 21st century dress like prostitutes, then. You know, I got dirty looks for wearing trousers.

Klaus:
You wore trousers so women today could wear nothing.

Klaus:
Nice one, good work.

Stefan:
You're the one that pulled the dagger out of her.

Rebekah:
I heard that!

Damon (to Elena):
I just don't know why you want to bring chili to a potluck. Everybody brings chili. (Alaric enters) Hey, Ric.

Alaric:
What's up?

Elena:
What time do you want to go to the Lockwood party?

Alaric:
Ah...those "founder's parties" aren't really my thing.

Damon:
Show up, there's going to be nine other people that brought chili.

Elena:
It's an old family recipe, ok?

Damon:
Yeah - I know! I knew your old family. They made sucky chili.

Caroline:
As your friend, who worries for you daily: what is the deal with you and Damon?

Elena:
There is no deal. He's been just as focused on finding Stefan as I have.

Caroline:
Yeah, but that doesn't make him any less Damon... If my own father, who I love dearly, can't change me, no one's changing Damon. Not even you.

Damon:
I'm going to let you in on a little secret... "Founder's parties" are just an excuse for the council to gather in backrooms and plot against vampires.

Rebekah:
I am not a brat!

Klaus:
A thousand years of life experience says otherwise.

Stefan (to Klaus):
Well, you're no picnic, either. I mean, I've only spent one summer with you and I feel like I want to blow my head off.

Gloria:
You know, witches nowadays, they're into that new-age stuff. But...I'm a little more old-school voodoo.

Elena:
Where's Damon?

Caroline:
Probably off somewhere doing bad things to good people. (shrugs) Consider me the honesty police.

Elena:
Where have you been?

Damon:
Managing Bill Forbes. Apparently, he's impervious to compulsion.

Alaric:
How?

Damon:
I have no idea. But he threatened to out me. Don't get me started on the irony of that...

Damon (about Bill):
He wants to put vervain in the town's water supply.

Elena:
Maybe it's not a bad idea. I mean, it'll help you keep yourself in control, now that Stefan's not here to...

Damon:
To what? To keep me in check? Make me behave? I should have killed him this morning.

Elena:
He's Caroline's dad, Damon.

Damon:
Yeah, and when I kill him, she'll have one more parent than we do. (starts to leave)

Alaric:
(blocks him) Oh, come on, Damon!

Damon:
You're repeatedly killing my buzz today, Ric. Step aside.

Alaric:
Yeah, it's not going to happen.

Damon:
(sighs) You're temporary funeral. (breaks his neck)

Elena:
Damon, no! What is wrong with you?!

Alaric:
You killed me!

Damon:
Ric, no hard feelings, alright? I was on a bit of a tear, and everyone was trying to tell me how to behave.

Alaric:
Maybe they finally realized you're a dick.

Stefan:
I have done everything Klaus asked me to.

Rebekah:
No, you just failed to mention that the doppelganger is still alive.

Stefan:
Where is Klaus now?

Rebekah:
With any luck, ripping that cow's head off.

Stefan:
(attacks her) Where is she?!

Rebekah:
You really do love her, don't you? Consider me jealous.

Katherine:
What if I told you there is a way to kill Klaus? And not dagger dead. Dead dead.

Damon:
I'd say you're either desperate or lying. Or drunk. Or desperate, lying, and drunk.

Elena:
Stefan, you can control this. When that buzzer goes off, just...just drink from me!

Stefan:
You don't get it; I can't stop, Elena. I'm a ripper! A ripper doesn't stop! I listen to the words that come out of your mouth and all I hear is the sound of your heart pumping blood through your body. And when that clock ticks down, I'm going to have to feed on you. You want to know what's worse? I'm not going to be able to stop.

Katherine:
You're going to get yourself killed. The Damon I remember wouldn't have been that stupid.

Damon:
I wouldn't have done it for you.

Klaus:
Now this is fascinating, I've never seen this before. The only thing stronger than your craving for blood is your love for this one girl. ...Why don't you turn it off?

Stefan:
No.

Klaus:
Come on... Your humanity is killing you! All the guilt, must be exhausting. ...Turn it off.

Stefan:
No!

Elena:
Stefan...

Klaus:
You're strong. But you're not...that...strong. (pauses) Turn...it...off.

Stefan:
(violently shoving Klaus away) NO!

(enraged, Klaus rushes Stefan - pins him against the wall)

Klaus:
TURN IT OFF!

Elena (to Klaus):
What did you do?

Stefan:
(chokes)

Klaus:
...I fixed him.

Bonnie:
Listen to me, I know you wanna help and I know you miss your sister, but what you did was reckless and stupid.

Matt:
I know, Bonnie. I know. But it worked - it was worth it.

Bonnie:
You don't want to be part of all this, Matt. You're the only one of us who actually gets to live their life like a normal person. No matter how lost you feel, don't forget that.

Klaus:
Well, look who finally decided to show up to the party.

Damon:
Where is she?

Klaus:
Elena? Ah, she's making a donation to a greater cause. (stops him) I'm afraid I can't let you interfere, mate.

Damon:
You'll have to kill me.

Klaus:
Oh, I would love to kill you. But I made a pledge to your brother and, unlike him, I keep my word. Although, you know what? Thinking about it now, he probably doesn't care that much anymore. (grabs Damon by the throat and pins him against the hood of a car)

Damon:
(talking fast) You don't wanna know about your friend Mikael?

Klaus:
What do you know about Mikael?

Damon:
Just that he knows you're here...

Klaus:
Bluffing.

Damon:
Katherine and I found him. Consider it our leverage.

Elena:
...Damon...?

Damon:
(quietly) Hey.

Damon:
Hey, have some bourbon. (passes her the glass) It'll help you forget.

Elena:
(takes a sip and grimaces) Mm.

Damon:
Yeah, it's...strong. You know, I can help you forget, too. At least the memories you don't want to keep.

Elena:
No. No compulsion. I need to remember. All of it.

Damon:
(holds up her vervain necklace) I stole it back for you.

Elena:
He's really gone this time. I watched it happen. After everything we went through to get-- to help him, now he's just...gone. (crying) Where were you, Damon?

Damon:
I shouldn't have left. (pauses) I promise you - I will never leave you again.

Alaric:
I think you found a way to get out of bed this morning and that makes you the strongest person I know.

Caroline:
Why should I let the fact that my boyfriend was turned into a hybrid put a damper on my day?

Elena:
New year. New life.

Damon:
Hey, the two brunettes on the staircase owe me a Persian rug.

Stefan:
Oh, I'm sorry. Your tone implies that I'm actually supposed to care.

Matt:
You can't just keep appearing like this. It freaks me out.

Vicki:
I'm a ghost. It's all I got.

Damon:
What? What do you mean "what"? I've been calling you for two days.

Katherine:
Odd. That's exactly how long I've been ignoring you.

Damon:
You know Stefan. Journaling, reading, shaping his hair...

Tyler:
I'm his first successful hybrid, Caroline. Don't you think that's the tiniest bit awesome?

Elena:
I don't know what he is, but he's definitely not Stefan.

Stefan:
I'm the guy who's been assigned to protect the human blood bag. I mean, no offense.

Damon:
What? Are you going to bench-press a vampire?

Elena:
Do you actually know what's happening right now? Stefan called me a "human blood bag".... He's a completely different person... (grunts as she lifts the weights)

Damon:
(pushes down on the barbell with one hand)

Elena:
What are you doing?

Damon:
Helping you out.

Elena:
Damon!

Damon:
Come on, Buffy!

Elena:
Like one obnoxious Salvatore isn't bad enough.

Damon:
You called - I'm here.

Damon:
No one's gonna hurt you. Especially not my brother.

Elena:
I lure Stefan away from the bonfire. Then, when he's distracted--

Alaric:
I'll shoot him.

Damon:
Can't Bonnie just ju-ju him, or something?

Damon:
Are you ever not gonna hate me, Ric?

Alaric:
Doubtful.

Caroline:
How do I fix him?

Damon:
Get a new boyfriend.

Bonnie:
Matt's trying to resurrect his dead sister! I think I'll go deal with that instead.

Tyler:
How did I get home?

Caroline:
I brought you here. You were being a major d-bag.

Tyler (to Caroline):
Everything I like about me...is you.

Elena:
Uh-oh! It's the fun police. I thought that 'Ripper Stefan' was supposed to be the life of the party.

Alaric:
You look, uh, not sober.

Elena:
Give it to me, I can do it.

Damon:
No, let me.

Elena:
Damon, come on!

Damon:
Elena. You almost got barbecued. The least I can do is apply first-aid.

Elena:
You played your part of the plan really well tonight. You had Rebekah drooling all over you...and your marshmallows....

Damon:
Yeah - before she skewered me. I thought you were too drunk to notice.

Elena:
I was faking most of it.

Damon:
So was I.

Damon:
Great work tonight, Ric. Sorry about the car, man. Bummer.

Caroline:
You have to earn the over-nighter.

Tyler:
I consider that a challenge.

Elena:
I know who you really are, better than anyone, Stefan. I am not giving up.

Stefan:
Elena, do you have any idea how pathetic that makes you?

Elena:
No, Stefan. (stakes Stefan in the gut) It makes me strong.

Damon:
Well I don't have time for vengeful Lockwood. When I kill someone, they're supposed to stay dead.

Elena:
That's what it's called?

Jeremy:
That's what Anna calls it. There's not an official brochure or anything.

Stefan:
All these words. Forgot how much I used to care.

Elena:
I didn't.

Jeremy:
I don't know why this is happening, or when it's gonna stop. But before it's done, I have to do this. (Kisses Anna)

Damon:
But remember back when you liked me, and we conspired to kill Uncle Werewolf Mason Lockwood?

Alaric:
Yeah. And?

Damon:
I think he's still a little pissed.

Stefan:
You're...

Lexi:
... dead? Technically, so are you.

Elena:
You need to disappear. Or evaporate. Or do whatever it is that ghosts do.

Damon:
Tyler can't be helped, at least not while Klaus is alive. Which is, like, always.

Damon:
You're right. I didn't have to kill you. I do a lot of things I don't have to do.

Mason:
(laughs) Good enough.

Stefan:
I will rip you apart, Lexi.

Lexi:
You can't. I'm already dead.

Mason:
I don't need revenge, Damon. I need redemption.

Damon:
Which way?

Mason:
I don't know. Flip a coin.

Damon:
Aren't you supposed to be all-knowing?

Mason:
I'm a ghost. Not God.

Alaric:
You're going to recycle that same crap-ass apology you gave to Mason Lockwood?

Damon:
Yeah, well. I didn't mean it with him.

Elena (to Stefan):
I won't love a ghost for the rest of my life.

Bonnie:
I've got a ghost problem to deal with, Caroline. Save the Jeremy problem for later.

Alaric:
Careful where you shine that thing. Bats hate the light.

Elena:
Wait... what?

Alaric:
As far as I could tell, it's a story. In simple archaeological terms: it's a really, really old story.

Mikael (to Klaus):
Some days, it's a miracle you're still alive, boy.

Elena:
How does he look?

Damon:
Pasty and pouty.

Elena:
He'll have to get over it.

Elena:
She's a thousand-year-old vampire who's joined the cheerleading squad. There's a whole different set of rules in play here, Ric. I've got this.

Alaric:
Jeremy is an idiot. And I know this with certainty because I was once a Jeremy. Trust me, we learn. Eventually.

Stefan:
It's precision born out of tragic boredom.

Damon:
All that effort wasted trying to tell you how boring you were and you finally agree with me?

Rebekah:
He's a vampire. We're a predatory species. We don't have time to care about humans and their silly little lives.

Stefan:
What's the point of the jailbreak?

Damon:
I thought you needed a hug, Stefan

Rebekah:
He's my brother. And I'm immortal. Shall I spend an eternity alone instead?

Rebekah:
If you come after my brother, I will rip you apart. And I get my temper from my father.

Damon:
Careful, Stefan. Your humanity is showing.

Elena:
(sighs) Damon, seriously?

Damon:
We got Mikael.

Elena:
What? How?

Damon:
No idea. I guess Katherine came through. The plan's in motion.

Elena:
(looks surprised)

Damon:
See? I told you I had it. Go ahead - kick, yell, scream. I'm sure you've been planning your rant all day.

Elena:
I'm not gonna yell at you.

Damon:
Why not? I went behind your back, freed Stefan. And you know what? It backfired. He's an even bigger dick than ever. It's just, now, he's a dick that's on our side.

Elena:
I'm not mad. I'm tired. I just-- I want to go to bed.

Damon:
You know, I think Mikael's weapon is a stake, because he mentioned something about it...

Elena:
Well, then they must have carved it from the white oak tree before they burned it down.

Damon:
So I was right.

Elena:
(sighs, gets into bed)

Damon:
After allll that, the wall led us to Mikael.

Elena:
It led us to more than just that. I think I got Rebekah on our side, too.

Damon:
Really? What'd you learn from here?

Elena:
I learned that she's just a girl. That she lost her mom too young, and she loves blindly and recklessly - even if it consumes her.

Elena:
You know, when all is said and done, there's nothing more important than the bond of family.

Damon:
(scoffs) You should tell that to my brother.

Elena:
I'm not mad at you for letting him out, Damon. I think that you're gonna be the one to save him from himself. It won't be because he loves me. It'll be because he loves you.

Damon:
I am forming a secret contingency plan.

Elena:
Really? What is it?

Damon:
Well, if I told you, it wouldn't be a secret.

Stefan:
I'm one hundred and sixty two years old and I'm going to a homecoming dance. I need better ties.

Damon:
Elena, this thing blows up in our face, just remember only one of us heals quickly.

Caroline:
I finally almost got your mom to stop hating me, so I probably shouldn't get caught in some kind of weird vampire threesome with her son.

Caroline:
Matt is an innocent, good person, who should not be going to dances with evil blood sluts.

Caroline:
This is a sire thing, isn't it? Please tell me this is some weird family extension of your sire bond with Klaus.

Tyler:
I'm here hanging streamers and have glitter all over my hands. If I'm sired to anybody, it's you.

Damon:
It's very...Katherine of you.

Elena:
Not the way to make me feel better about myself, Damon.

Damon:
It was a compliment. Sort of.

Damon:
Do you trust me?

Elena:
Yes.

Damon:
Then you have nothing to worry about.

Damon:
I'd offer you a drink, but Katherine tells me you're more of a vampire-on-the-rocks kind of guy.

Klaus:
Your mom is not a problem. I compelled her to go to the church and pray for your friends.

Hybrid:
Invite only, vampire.

Damon:
Here's my RSVP. (pulls out his heart) Hybrid.

Damon:
What the hell's wrong with you? You're not supposed to witchy-migraine me!

Bonnie:
You're not supposed to kill Tyler!

Mikael:
(surprised) Katherine.

Katherine:
(pulls the pins out of two wolfsbane grenades) Kaboom.

Damon:
We're never getting Stefan back. You know that, don't you?

Elena:
Then we'll have to let him go. Okay? We'll let him go.

Katherine:
Humanity is a vampire's greatest weakness. No matter how easy it is to turn it off, it keeps trying to fight its way back in. (shrugs) Sometimes I let it.

Elena:
The Stefan that we know is gone.

Bonnie:
How is Damon handling that?

Elena:
Damon is... Damon.

Damon:
I can't drink all this by myself! I mean, I can. But then someone is getting naked.

Jeremy:
Hey, so, what's the point of this again?

Tyler:
The point is I'm pissed at Caroline and Bonnie dumped your ass. The point is to get drunk and shoot stuff.

Elena:
Well, you're day drunk. It's not exactly your most attractive look.

Damon:
Oh? And what is my 'most attractive look'?

Elena:
I'm not saying that you have any attractive look. I'm just saying...this is my least favorite one.

Klaus:
My sister has gone missing.

Damon:
Cute, blonde bombshell? Psycho? Shouldn't be too hard to find.

Elena:
Vampires, hybrids, and originals? No problem. My rebellious brother? I'm worried.

Alaric:
What if he asked you to... jump off a bridge?

Tyler:
He wouldn't. And even if he did, I'd be fine. I'm a hybrid.

Elena:
OK, so what if he asked you to rip your own heart out?

Tyler:
Again, he wouldn't.

Elena:
What if he did?

Tyler:
I don't know - then I'd rip out my heart!

Klaus:
Human life is just a means to an end. Our means, to our end.

Jeremy:
None of us are gonna make it out of this town alive.

Damon:
And they use their ju-ju to screw with my daylight ring.

Elena:
He's gonna kill Jeremy.

Stefan:
Not really my problem.

(Elena slaps Stefan)

Elena:
Then you can go to hell.

Damon:
When are you going to get it? Stop saving me!

Elena:
Ric, hey. When did you return to the living?

Damon:
You go after Klaus, you're gonna have to be cut throat and devious. And I'm so much better at that than you.

Damon:
My brother is sort of running his own show right now.

Elena:
Yeah, well my brother just chopped of someone's head.

Damon:
Take it from me. Strange is bad; dead is worse.

Elena:
Thank you.

Damon:
No problem.

Elena:
Not just for this, Damon. For everything. I don't know what I would do if you weren't here.

Damon:
(sighs) You should know this, Elena. Stefan didn't screw us over. He screwed us over, but he had a good reason.

Elena:
What?

Damon:
He saved Klaus to save me. Then he stole the coffins to get even.

Elena:
Damon, if he did it to protect you, then why would he even do that? What does that even mean?

Damon:
What does it mean? It means I'm an idiot. Cause I thought, for one second, that I wouldn't have to feel guilty anymore.

Elena:
Wait, what are you talking about? Guilty for what?

Damon:
(looks at her) For wanting what I want.

Elena:
Damon...,

Damon:
No, I know. Believe me I get it. My brother's girl, and all. (starts to walk away) No... You know what? If I'm gonna feel guilty about something, I'm gonna feel guilty about this. (kisses Elena)

Matt:
You know, you guys are ruining a perfectly good funeral.

Damon:
Stefan just grabbed Elena.

Klaus:
Well, he's getting desperate.

Damon:
He's going to try to use her against you. Do what he says. Get rid of your hybrids.

Klaus:
Or what? Stefan would never dream of killing her.

Damon:
Are you sure about that? He just tried to behead someone in the middle of a council party. He's operating on crazy right now.

Klaus:
Well crazy or not, that kind of love never dies. He's bluffing.

Damon:
Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. But if you don't wanna believe him, believe me. I know my brother better than anyone and right now I don't have a clue how far he's willing to take this. So if he says blink, I suggest you blink.

[after trying to throw Elena over the bridge]:

Stefan:
Elena get in the car!

Elena:
How could you?! My parents died going over this bridge. I almost died. You knew that. You`re the one who saved me.

Stefan:
He had to believe I would do it alright. Your fear sold it.

Elena:
Well, what if he hadn't?

Stefan:
He did.

Elena:
Well what if he hadn't?

Stefan:
He did, Elena! He backed down! He has a weakness! If I know his weakness, I can destroy him!

Elena:
After everything, that`s what mattered, destroying Klaus?

Stefan:
Destroying Klaus is all I have left.

Elena:
You had me!

Stefan:
I lost you the minute I left town with him. You just haven`t let yourself admit that yet.

Elena:
Is that what you`re doing? Trying to make me hate you?

Stefan:
I don`t really care what you think about me anymore, Elena.

Caroline:
Are you going to kill me?

Klaus:
On your birthday? You really think that low of me?

Caroline:
Yes.

Klaus:
That looks bad. My apologies you were just collateral damage, it's nothing personal. I love birthdays.

Caroline:
Yeah, aren't you like a billion or something?

Klaus:
You'll have to adjust your perception of time when you become a vampire Caroline, celebrate the fact that you are no longer bound by trivial human conventions. You're free.

Caroline:
No I'm dying.

Klaus:
And I could let you, die, if that's what you want. If you really believe your existence has no meaning. I thought about it myself once or twice over the centuries, truth be told. But I'll let you in on a little secret, there's a whole world out there waiting for you, great cities and art and music, genuine beauty, and you can have all of it, you can have a thousand more birthdays - all you have to do is ask.

Caroline:
I don't wanna die.

Klaus:
(bites his wrist as he picks Caroline up to give her his blood) There you go, sweetheart. Have at it. (she begins to drink) Happy birthday, Caroline.

Elena:
You can't kiss me again.

Damon:
I know.

Elena:
You can't. It's not right.

Damon:
It's right. Just not right now.

Elena:
Bonnie hasn't seen her mom in over 15 years. We don't need your snarky commentary narrating the experience.

Bonnie:
What's going on with you two?

Damon:
We kissed, now it's weird. Have a great trip.

Elena:
There's something I have to tell you. And it's not because I feel guilty that it happened, it's because I feel guilty that you don't know. I kissed Damon.

Meredith:
Vampire hunter who can't be killed by vampires. Convenient.

Elena:
It's not Meredith. Okay? I refuse to believe that your luck with women is that tragic.

Stefan:
What are you doing here?

Elena:
Bonnie told me that you guys would be here. I need to talk to you.

Stefan:
Well, there's nothing to talk about. I'm just focused on getting this coffin opened.

Elena:
Did you kill the medical examiner?

Stefan:
Why would you think I did that?

Elena:
Maybe because I don't know what you are capable of anymore.

Stefan:
Believe what you want, Elena.

Elena:
I don't want to believe any of it, Stefan.

Stefan:
But you had to ask me anyway.

Elena:
Stefan-

Stefan:
Did you ask Damon? If he's killed anyone lately?

Damon:
Oh, yes. This is about me kissing Elena. Just remember if it wasn't for Klaus you wouldn't have become such a dick, and that kiss would never have happened. So get ready, and get happy. We're going to negotiate a fake truce and I don't want your attitude screwing it up.

Stefan:
Where's Rebekah? Last I checked she was still daggered because you couldn't face her.

Klaus:
If you're referring to the fact that I killed our mother, I've already come clean to Elijah.

Damon:
Hey Stef, remember when you killed dad? You might want to hold off on the judgement until dessert.

Stefan:
We're here to make a deal Damon. Doesn't mean we need to kiss his ass for seven courses.

Klaus:
Gentlemen, the worst thing for Elena Gilbert... is the two of you.

Stefan:
I love her, Damon.

Damon:
So do I.

Klaus:
Elijah. Why haven't you left?

Elijah:
Where are your manners, brother? We forgot desert. (removes a cloth from the tray, revealing two silver daggers)

Klaus:
What have you done?

Elijah:
What have you done? You see I've learned not to trust your vulgar promises, Klaus. We're doing this on my terms now. (Klaus's brother, Kol, enters the room)

Klaus:
Kol!

Kol:
Long time, brother.

Klaus:
(Runs to the tray to retrieve a dagger but the dagger is seized by his other brother, Finn) Finn, don't- (Finn stabs Klaus in the hand with the dagger. Klaus turns to run away and stops dead in his tracks) Rebekah!

Rebekah:
(stabs Klaus in the heart) This is for our mother. (Klaus stumbles back to be seized by the arms by Kol. Finn and Rebekah surround him with angry looks on their faces)

Elijah (to Stefan and Damon):
You're free to go. This is family business.

Elena:
It's all so weird. The Originals are throwing a ball. Like, an actual ball.

Caroline:
It's some twisted Cinderella fetish, is what it is. And why does the evil witch want an audience with you?

Elena:
I have no idea. But there is one way to find out.

Klaus:
I'm glad you came.

Caroline:
Well it was either caviar or sympathy casseroles.

Klaus:
I heard about your father.

Caroline:
Don't. Seriously.

Elena (to Stefan):
Hmm, he dances. I didn't even have to beg.

Damon:
Stop staring, it's creepy.

Rebekah:
Of course she looks beautiful. Nik gave her everything she's wearing.

Damon:
Elena. Did you get what you want?

Elena:
Actually, yes.

Damon:
Good. Tell me on the ride home. We're leaving.

Elena:
No. Damon, let go of me! Look, I'm sorry that I had to cut you out of the plan-

Damon:
There shouldn't have been a plan. You shouldn't be here.

Elena:
You think I like going behind your back? I don't. But if I hadn't asked Stefan to help, you would have tried to be the hero and you would have ruined everything.

Damon:
Sorry for trying to keep you alive. Clearly Stefan doesn't give a crap anymore.

Elena:
Now you're mad at me for including Stefan?

Damon:
No, I'm mad at you because I love you.

Elena:
Well, maybe that's the problem. (pauses) No...wait. That's not what I-

Damon:
No, I got it, Elena. I care too much. I'm a liability. (scoffs) How ironic is that?

Elena:
Stefan. Did you really not feel anything?

Stefan (as an answer):
When?

Elena:
How do you do that? Act like you don't care? Like you don't feel anything? Because I can't do that. I feel. I feel everything, and-

Stefan:
Elena stop.

Elena:
I'm not going to stop, Stefan. Because I don't believe that you feel nothing.

Stefan:
You think I want to be this person? I hurt you, Elena. I bit you. I hate myself for what I did to you.

Elena:
Then show it. Do something, Stefan - anything is better than trying to convince me that you don't care.

Stefan:
I can't.

Elena:
Stefan...

Stefan:
If I let myself care, all I feel is pain.

Damon (to Rebekah, about Matt):
Burn. Rejected by the captain of the football team. Welcome to adolescence.

Rebekah:
Shut up, Damon. (pause) Knew I should've killed him. Mother wouldn't let me.

Damon:
Well... Never let people tell you what to do. (downs a shot) Besides... You would've broken him in a second.

Damon:
Why do you look like someone shot a panda bear?

Kol:
Out all night. What a scandal. I trust you did better than that commoner. Matt? Was it?

Rebekah:
You don't shut your mouth, the next thing to come out of it is your teeth.

Elena:
He was gloating, like actual gloat. Like he was proud of himself for sleeping with her. (to Caroline) Is it working?

Caroline:
It's not working. I can hear every word you're saying about Damon the vampire gigolo.

Damon:
Well you don't have to judge her. Just tie her up. Lock her in her room till this is over.

Alaric:
Well, I wouldn't if I could, and I can't because I'm busy.

Damon:
Busy doing what?

Alaric:
Don't worry about it.

Damon:
Are you with the sexy psycho doctor?

Alaric:
Good bye Damon.

Elijah:
In any case, you have until six minutes after nine to find them.

Damon:
Oh, how super specific of you.

Rebekah:
Do you think I want to spend what could be the last few hours of my life having idle chitchat with a girl who literally stabbed me in the back?

Damon:
A) What if she's with Esther? B) What if she can't cut her off? C) I don't know how any of this stuff works. And D) Neither do you.

Rebekah:
What is this?

Elena:
Sorry. No vampires allowed.

Damon:
So how do we know that they are going to be at the old witch house?

Stefan:
We don't. But if they're not, we have about 10 minutes till Rebekah tears Elena apart.

Damon:
You know, if we sit this out, Esther completes her spell, Klaus dies, you get your revenge, it's what you wanted the whole time. The only collateral damage is-

Stefan:
Elena.

Damon:
You know she'd choose?

Stefan:
She'd let herself be killed to save her friend.

Damon:
Yep.

Stefan:
You know, if we do this it will wreck her.

Damon:
Oh, she'll hate us. Thing is, she only has to hate one of us. Only one of us has to do the actual deed.

Stefan:
So, who's it going to be, brother?

Damon:
Well, heads I do it; tails you do it.

Stefan:
Awful lot of effort for someone who pretends not to care about her anymore.

Elena:
Are you insane?

Rebekah:
I prefer spontaneous.

Damon:
How long has it been since you've had a drop of human blood?

Stefan:
How'd you know?

Damon:
You spend 146 years with someone, you kind of start to pick up on their tells. Answer the question. How long has it been since your last drink?

Stefan:
Since the night I threatened to drive Elena off the Wickery Bridge.

Damon:
See. You have enough to feel guilty about. Why add to the list? By the way, you're welcome.

Stefan:
You know you're not fooling anyone either. You still love her Damon.

Damon:
I do. I thought I could win her from you fair and square. She didn't want me. It's for the best. I'm better at being the bad guy anyway.

Klaus:
Caroline! (as he runs after her and almost gets run hit by a car)

Caroline:
Are you serious? Take a hint.

Klaus:
Don't be angry, love. We had a little spat. I'm over it already.

Caroline:
Ah, well, I'm not.

Klaus:
How can I quit myself?

Caroline:
You and your expensive jewelry and your romantic drawings can leave me alone.

Klaus:
Oh, come on, take a chance, Caroline. (sits down on a bench) Talk to me. Come on, get to know me. I dare you.

Caroline:
Fine. (sits down next to him) So, what do you wanna talk about?

Klaus:
I want to talk about you. Your hopes, your dreams, everything you want in life.

Caroline:
Just to be clear, I'm too smart to be seduced by you.

Klaus:
Well, that's why I like you.

Damon:
Dear Diary, a chipmunk asked me my name today. I told him it was Joe. That lie will haunt me forever.

Stefan:
What do you want?

Damon:
I was hoping we could hang. You know, a little brother bonding. I know we don't actually "hang out", we team up. We join forces, activate our wonder twin powers.

Stefan:
What are you doing?

Damon:
Digging up clues. Most of the Originals are gone, but now we have a Whodunit in town. Hey, do you remember when we came back for Zachariah's funeral?

Stefan:
Vaguely, why?

Damon:
Cause memory serves, he wasn't the first founders council member killed that year. Or even that month.

Stefan:
Your point being?

Damon:
I'm trying to remember what year it was.

Stefan:
1912.

Damon:
So much for vaguely. 1912. Or as I like to call it, last time Mystic Falls had a serial killer on its hands.

(1912 flashback)

Damon:
Have you been eating the relatives again?

Elena:
Just say it.

Matt:
I just don't get it. Your thing with them.

Elena:
I know it doesn't make sense. But at the beginning, after my parents died, there was something about being with Stefan that just, felt safe.

Matt:
Safe? Elena, he's a vampire.

Elena:
I know. Believe me, just saying it out loud, sounds crazy. But- It's like I knew that he would never, stop loving me. Like he would never-

Matt:
What?

Elena:
Die. Like he would never die.

Matt:
Like your parents did. And Damon?

Elena:
Damon just, sort of snuck up on me. He got under my skin and no matter what I do, I just, I can't shake him.

Matt:
Once you fall in love with someone, I don't know, I don't know if you can ever shake them.

Damon:
I didn't let him do anything. If you want to get nit-picky about it, I made him.

Elena:
Why would you do that?

Damon:
Because we're vampires, Elena. We need human blood to survive. We're predators, not puppies.

Elena:
Well, Stefan found a way around it before.

Damon:
Stefan has built himself a delusional wagon which he's repeatedly fallen off of.

Alaric:
Tell me again, why are we here?

Damon:
Ric, the world can't stop turning just because you're an accidental psycho killer.

Meredith:
Do you have any tact? Whatsoever?

Sage:
Please don't tell me you and Rebekah are friends.

Damon:
Not unless you count hate sex.

Meredith:
I really don't think you should be looking through that stuff.

Alaric:
Well, it's the truth. Restraining orders and all. My life is a series of police reports.

Meredith:
You don't strike me as an angry guy, which sounds weird given everything, but- you don't.

Alaric:
Yeah, well I was stupid when I was younger. It's not like these guys didn't have it coming. I mean, this guy here, broke a beer bottle over a bartender's head. This guy, hit his girlfriend. And this guy, okay, this guy was just a douche. Everyone needs to find a way to deal with their dark side. Some people meditate, I became a vampire hunter.

Meredith:
Semi-retired.

Damon:
Now unless you are interested in a Sage/Rebekah sex sandwich, I suggest you make yourself scarce.

Bonnie:
Who are you again?

Jamie:
The guy who lives out back, you know. The one you're not related to.

Bonnie:
Right.

Jamie:
Caroline and I had a little talk.

Bonnie:
Sounds like code for Caroline lectured you.

Jamie:
Maybe, but I needed it.

Rebekah:
I stole it from Nik, who stole it from a queen. Not sure which one.

Alaric:
What the hell are you doing here?

Damon:
Just making sure the witch didn't turn you into a toad, or a block of salt.

Caroline:
Well, when Bonnie gets back, she can snap her fingers or wave her hands or whatever, and make the herbs bloom.

Damon:
Morning, sunshine.

Elena:
Hey. How's Alaric?

Damon:
Indecent, but fine.

Elena:
Does that mean there were no issues last night?

Damon:
Nope, slept like a baby, woke up Alaric, no headlines about dead council members.

Elena:
Then why do I feel like you're hiding something from me?

Damon:
Well, maybe because you're being paranoid and control freaky. What'd you bring me? Ooh, chocolate muffins. You know what they say, the way to a psycho killer's heart is through his stomach.

Elena:
They're not for you.

Damon:
Fine. Keep convincing yourself that you're still mad at me. But sadly, Ric is gonna have to miss Elena time today. You know, lockdown and all.

Elena:
Just, take it to him and tell him I miss him, okay?

Damon:
We use the quarterback to distract her. Just keep her talking.

Matt:
How?

Damon:
Act interested. She's lonely, desperate.

Caroline:
Clearly, she slept with you.

Damon:
No last minute attacks of pity for any of them.

Elena:
Don't worry about me. Not after what happened to Bonnie's mom.

Damon:
Barbie?

Caroline:
Oh, Im ready. Anything that will free Tyler of his sire bond to Klaus.

Damon:
Lost boy?

Matt:
Do I have a choice?

Damon:
Good point.

Alaric:
I mean did you learn nothing from the moonstone in the soap dish?

Klaus:
I wouldn't let it bother you, love.

Bonnie:
Well, it does bother me. You bother me.

Caroline:
I miss well-adjusted Stefan.

Rebekah:
Nik, he's my play thing, not yours.

Rebeka:
The Salvatore's may fight like dogs but in the end, they would die for each other. At least they know what family means. You destroyed ours.

Klaus:
I wanted a family. They just didn't want me. And now, we're unlinked. We're no longer responsible for each other.

Elena:
You haven't said much since you got home.

Stefan:
Ill be a ball of sunshine once Damon get Alarik's stake back. Promise.

Damon:
Are you telling me that your vampire hating alter-ego has a stake that can kill an entire line of vampires, possibly mine?

Elena:
Well, you still need the basics. Toothbrush. Clothes. Some boring books to help you sleep.

Alaric:
"Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde"?

Elena:
What? No, I grabbed-- (reads book title and sighs) Damon. He thinks he's hilarious.

Alaric:
Well, at least one of us has a sense of humor.

Alaric:
What's Klaus gonna do if he can't find it?

Elena:
It's the only thing that can kill him, so...wage war, murder people...you know, Klaus stuff.

Damon:
I like that confidence, Stefan. I don't share it, but I like it.

Stefan:
You know they're going to do what it takes?

Damon:
Well, your good Stefan again; your under control. Sorry, you might get the girl, but you lose the edge. Speaking of...

Stefan:
Look, Elena needed to go on that road trip with Damon. No matter what I go through to get her back: fighting my blood-lust, trying to gain control of my life again; none of that matters if she has feelings for someone else.

Damon:
Next time we compel him, remind me to make him better at baseball.

Jeremy:
Fine. Can we talk about this later? My friend just got here, and yes Damon, I actually have some.

Jeremy:
So where are we?

Damon:
The corner of somewhere and nowhere where Kol can't find us.

Jeremy:
I can't believe Kol was a vampire.

Damon:
Well, didn't you find it weird that you made a friend so fast? Have you met you?

Elena:
Not helping.

Damon:
Come on Rose, you're not actually gonna make us wait, are you? I know you're obsessed with me.

Jeremy:
Alright, uh, tell me something about her.

Damon:
Well, she did this little thing with her tongue...

Elena:
Something that matters, Damon.

Damon:
She spent her last day in paradise. Soaking in the sun, reminiscing about what it means to be human. And when death came, she didn't fear it.

Elena:
I was with her on her and last and she definitely wasn't in paradise.

Jeremy:
It was in the dream he gave her. She's here.

Damon:
Is [Rose] still hot?

Rose:
Tell him he's still dripping with sex, too. [Jeremy gives her a look] Fine, tell him I miss him.

Jeremy:
She misses you.

Rose:
And tell him that I'm rooting for him and Elena.

Jeremy:
[looks confused] She uh, she misses both of you.

Tyler:
You have no idea how much I've missed you

Alaric:
Who knows. Maybe his alter ego is some pot-smoking, hippie pacifist.

Caroline:
Right now, Damon is desperate to figure out which Original created our vampire blood-line. And if he finds out it wasn't Klaus, they're all going to kill him.

Tyler:
But Klaus turned me. So if he dies, I die.

Caroline:
I know that, they know that. The difference is, Damon doesn't care.

Elena:
You never told me about that. What you did for Rose.

Damon:
It wasn't about you.

Elena:
Why don't you let people see the good in you?

Damon:
Because when people see good, they expect good. And I don't want to have to live up to anyone's expectations.

[He takes her hand. Elena, feeling overwhelmed, gets up and leaves the room. She hears him follow her outside.]

Elena:
Don't.

Damon:
Why not? Elena...

[She looks conflicted for a moment before giving in, turning around and kissing him.]

Elena:
[to Jeremy] Wait here.

Jeremy:
Why, so you guys can make out some more?

Damon:
Don't be a dick. Listen to your sister.

Elena:
Who is this Mary person?

Damon:
Scary Mary. Really old. Super creepy.

Elena:
And how do you know her?

Damon:
You know...

Elena:
Of course.

Damon:
What? I said creepy. Not ugly.

Alaric:
(Alaric's alter ego) Look at you. One of nature's most hideous creatures, and you can't even get that right.

Stefan:
I've been fighting that part of myself. Thinking that if I repress it, it would go away, but it won't. But now that I've excepted it, it can't control me. And neither can you. So unless your going to stake me, why don't you get the hell out of my house.

Damon:
What are you doing?

Elena:
What do you mean?

Damon:
Well, this trip, and you kissing me. What the hell is this?

Elena:
Stefan thinks that I have feelings for you.

Damon:
Do you?

Elena:
I don't - I don't - I don't know.

Damon:
Hmm. I guess you thought this little trip could help you figure that out, didn't you? Or maybe you were hoping I'll screw it up so I could just make the decision for you, am I wrong? Am I wrong?

Elena:
It's what you do, Damon! You sabotage things. When I think about it, every time there's a bump in the road, you lash out!

Damon:
What if I didn't? What if there was no bump? I'm sorry, Elena, but this time I'm not going to make it so easy for you. This time you'll have to figure it out for yourself.

Rose:
They had a fight. I know you want to stop it. Protect her from it. But you're young, you don't see what I see. It's not just that she makes him a better person. And she does, but ... he changes her too. Damon challenges her, surprises her. He makes her question her life, beliefs. Stefan is different. His love is pure. He'll always be good for her. Damon is either the best thing for her, or the worst.

Caroline:
[talking about Jeremy being stressed out] Are you sure it had nothing to do with witnessing you and Damon getting hot and heavy in a skeevy motel?

Elena:
I didn't tell you that so you could torture me with it.

Caroline:
Ah, what are friends for?

Caroline:
So, why don't you ask Stefan [to the dance]?

Elena:
I can't ask him on a date. I just made out with his brother.

Caroline:
All the more reason. Look, you're supposed to be figuring out what you want. That's what Stefan wanted you to do, right?

Elena:
Yeah, but-

Caroline:
But nothing! I've watched The Bachelor, okay? Fair is fair. It's Stefan's turn.

Elena:
Getting out of bed is dangerous these days. But we have to live our lives.

Stefan:
Hmm, who gave you that horrible advice?

Elena:
Some guy I use to date said it once or twice

Tyler:
What's he gonna do? Draw you another picture?

Jeremy:
Yeah, I know all about Alaric. When my sister stops hanging around vampires, I'll take it off.

Jamie:
Your friends seem pretty cool.

Bonnie:
They're the most important thing in the world to me.

Jamie:
Though, you got to admit. The whole circle of people, it's kind of crazy. I mean, there is vampire, werewolves...ex-boyfriends with magic rings?

Damon:
Sorry to spoil your seven minutes in Heaven.

Ester:
Vampires took everything from him. Now, he's getting his vengeance.

Klaus:
Where have you been, mate?

Tyler:
I just got back in town.

Klaus:
That's funny. I don't recall giving you permission to leave in the first place.

Caroline:
Why do you always have to prove you're the alpha male?

Klaus:
I don't have to prove anything, love. I am the alpha male.

Klaus:
You would have loved the 1920's, Caroline. Girls were reckless,sexy, fun. And literally use to dance until they dropped.

Caroline:
I don't suppose that ever happened to their dance partners.

Klaus:
What is this?

Stefan:
Your mother's back.

Stefan:
Aw, don't be stupid Klaus. Bonnie doesn't give a damn about us. The only reason she's helping is to save Caroline and Tyler. You start killing the people she cares about, she'll tell us all to go to hell.

Damon:
Your still mad at me for what happened to Abby. Let me apologize. I'm sorry Elijah forced us to turn you mother into a vampire to save Elana's life. Didn't exactly have a choice.

Bonnie:
There's always a choice. When ever you make one, some one else suffers.

Klaus:
Let's cut the dramatics and begin, shall we?

Tyler:
Klaus could get killed. And I die along with him.

Stefan:
No one's gonna die, ok?

Caroline:
Tyler, it doesn't matter how many times I dance with him. I love you.

Klaus:
Well, there were moments, real friendship. Brotherhood.

Damon:
Oh, he already has a brother. Not to be, you know, territorial or anything.

Klaus:
Oh, no, of course. The Salvatore brothers and their unshakable bond. I wonder what will happpen when Elena finally makes her choice. Will we see you shake, just a little bit?

Stefan:
We can handle this later, you know.

Elena:
No, I rather it over with now before some janitor comes to clean out Alaric's stuff and realizes the history teacher was a vampire slayer.

Stefan:
After I bit you I never wanted to feel anything again. But someone kept telling me that it was okay to feel. No matter how much it hurt. That our emotions are what make us human, good or bad. To never lose hope.

Elena:
Who gave you that horrible advice?

Stefan:
Some girl I use to date.

Elena:
I don't have anyone anymore.

Stefan:
You have me.

Damon:
Apparently my choices have been a bit controversial lately.

Alaric:
Is this the part where you give me a dream? Rainbows and rolling green hills?

Damon:
I was drunk when I told you that.

Damon:
Sorry I killed you. Twice.

Alaric:
So I have to actually die to get a real apology out of you.

Rebekah:
You're supposed to be dead!

Alaric:
I am.

Alaric:
How many times do I have to tell you, Elena? Stop trusting vampires!

Klaus:
(catching Caroline in the hall after she escapes Alaric) It's okay, you're safe. We'll save Elena. You go straight home. You stay inside, do you understand?

Elena:
(to Alaric) There's a reason why Esther used me to make you, isn't there? She didn't want you to be immortal, so she tied your life to a human one. Mine. That way you have only one life span to kill all vampires and then you'll be gone. So when I die, you die too.

Stefan:
What do you mean he turned? I thought you were standing guard.

Damon:
Don't blame me! Blame Bonnie the blood bank.

Klaus:
That's why I'm here. I'm leaving town. Just need to pick up a few road trip necessities. Spare tire, flashlight... doppelganger.

Klaus:
Think you're probably going to want to let me in.

Damon:
(to Bonnie and Jeremy after Klaus throws a piece of a wooden fence) Get down! (to Klaus) Missed me! (after Klaus throws another piece) Missed me again!

Klaus:
You know, if this does go off and we drop the history teacher in the Atlantic,I'm still leaving with Elena.

Stefan:
I'll go with you.

Klaus:
Really. What's the catch?

Stefan:
There's no catch. I turn my back on everything here to make sure Elena's safe.

Klaus:
That is what makes you her better option.

Damon:
(about Abby) I'm sorry. I forgot about her stellar record in the dependability department.

Abby:
Why didn't I have to be invited in?

Bonnie:
Only vampires live here.

Damon:
We'd signed over the deed to Elena, but she died and the seal broke. And... it's a very long story. Blood?

Abby:
It's too dangerous. Your magic comes from the earth. It's pure. This spell asks you to tap into dark places. Places of temptation. Places you can't handle.

Bonnie:
You turned your back on me for 16 years. You have no idea what I can handle.

Damon:
Got to say I'm team Bonnie on this one. How hard can it be to parch a vampire?

Abby:
To stop a vampire's heart, you need to find a balance among the living. Can you handle that?

Damon:
What? What does that mean? Bonnie, I don't speak witch.

Bonnie:
I have to stop a human heart.

Klaus:
Before we all walk through these doors lets get on the same page, shall we? I created your vampire bloodline, therefor I am responsible for your lives. And Tyler"s life, Caroline's life. And of course, Abby's life. Should anything go wrong.

Damon:
Or your just lying t o save your ass.

Klaus:
I'm not lying. But go ahead, call my bluff--let the teacher kill me, You'll all be dead soon thereafter.

Alaric:
(About Caroline) She's a murderer. She told me she killed someone and liked it.

Elena:
(holding a knife to her throat) Stop! Let him go or I'll kill myself.

Alaric:
Put it down.

Elena:
Why? Because you still need me alive? There's a reason why Esther used me to make you, isn't there? She didn't want you to be immortal. So she tied your life to a human one--mine. That way, you only have one lifespan to kill all vampires, and then you'll be gone. So when I die, you die, too. That's it! It has to be.

Alaric:
You're wrong.

Elena:
Am I?

Alaric:
Klaus is going to kill Elena.

Damon:
What?

Stefan:
What are you talking about? Klaus needs Elena's blood to make hybrids. She's the last person that he'd kill.

Alaric:
The witch bound my life to Elena's. If she dies, I die. Klaus figured that out, and now he's taken her. Now I'm trapped here until the sun goes down, so you two better get to what you do best-- saving Elena's life.

Elena:
What about your hybrids? You'll need more than this to create your army?

Klaus:
These last few liters will have to suffice. You see... by attempting to kill us, my mother strengthened the bond between my siblings and I. I don't need hybrids. I have my family.

Elena:
If you believe that, why take my blood at all? [pause] You want a back-up family. You know that your siblings will never trust you again.

Klaus:
You know Stefan blames me for trying to tear him from his brother? But I think we both know who really came between them. You. That's why you won't choose. You know once you pick a Salvatore, you'll destroy their bond. Consider this me doing you a favor. Once you're dead, you won't have to choose. No broken hearts. Their family stays intact. But just between us girls, who would you have picked?

Elena:
Rot in hell.

Klaus:
Hm. You're welcome.

Klaus:
So much for that sire bond.

Tyler:
I'm not you're little bitch anymore.

Stefan:
What?

Damon:
How many desiccated hybrids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Stefan:
You're in a good mood.

Damon:
Yeah, I'm in a good mood. Klaus is dead, my brother is halfway to sane--again. Give or take an immortal hunter that wants to kill us. We won, Stefan. Come on, say it. Say it! We won.

Stefan:
(dryly) We won.

Damon:
Once more, with feeling!

Stefan:
(more forcefully) We won.

Elena:
Mom and Dad were right. Alaric should just kill all the vampires and put an end to all of this. But then that means that Caroline dies. And Bonnie loses her mom. The Mayor loses her son. And I lose Stefan and Damon. So if it makes me the bad guy for wanting to keep those people alive, then fine. I'll be the bad guy.

Jeremy:
You're forgetting that Alaric never wanted any of this. Once he carries out his plan, what if he doesn't want to live anymore? And he kills his human connection to end his life. That would mean I would lose you. I'm not going to let that happen.

Damon:
You did what?

Jeremy:
I took her to the hospital. When you find your sister unconscious, you call 9-1-1.

Damon:
Not when you have a parade of vampires at your disposal.

Damon:
Have I told you lately how much I appreciate you not being the dumbest brother on Earth?

Damon:
Our life is one big proverbial coin toss.

Caroline:
Now what can I get you? Do you want some tea? Maybe some vodka? Both will help you sleep. [Elena sighs] I know. I'm being smothering. It's what I do.

Elena:
(chuckles) No. It's..it's nice.

Caroline:
(chuckles) I'm thinking... maybe tea with vodka

(flashback)

Bonnie:
You didn't say it back.

Elena:
What?

Bonnie:
You know what. You can't string him along, Elena. If you're not into it anymore, just...tell him.

Elena:
I'm sorry that I strung you along. I should have figured out what I wanted, and just been honest about it. And now I'm making the same mistakes with Stefan and Damon. It's not right, what I'm doing to them, either. I--I have to let one of them go.

Matt:
Which one?

Matt:
Why should she help you? All you've done is screw her over.

Elijah:
And for that I am deeply ashamed. But know this--she could have been dead the instant I walked through that door tonight. So, Elena, I leave it to you to decide whether to trust me or not.

Damon (over the phone,yelling):
NOT! Hellooo! Did that concussion give you brain damage?! His lunatic siblings will kill you the first chance they get!

Elijah:
Rebekah and Kol will honor the terms. If you return Klaus' body to us, Elena will come to no harm.

Damon:
I'm not halfway out of Virginia and Elena sells our souls to the Originals?

Bonnie:
It's her call.

Damon:
You know what else is her call? Everything bad ever.

Bonnie:
Where's the body? As long as it's unspoiled, Alaric is one witch away from finding him.

Damon:
Hidden. I was going to use Unit 666, but I figured that would be a little obvious. So... 1020. Mini fridge, a couple of bird cages, box full of Playboys. One beef jerkified Original.

Damon:
Bonnie just left. Rebekah should be here soon to pick up the body.

Stefan:
I got Caroline and Elijah in place. Jeremy's gonna lead Alaric to us.

Damon:
You just had to let her make the choice, didn't you?

Stefan:
What would you have done, Damon?

Damon:
Grabbed her, gagged her, thrown her in a well. I don't know, anything other than let her trust Elijah!

Stefan:
(chuckles) You know she'd just hate you for it, right?

Damon:
Yet she'd be alive and she'd hate me. Thus the eternal difference between you and me, brother

Damon (to whom he thinks is Rebekah):
It's about time, sexy-bex.

Damon (to Stefan):
Call me if you cough up a lung.

Elena:
We have to go back. Listen to me, Matt. If Klaus is the one that turned their bloodline, then they're all gonna die. (shouting) We have to go back, Matt!

Matt:
Elena...

Elena:
What?

Matt:
Damon's not with them.

Elena:
...What?

Matt:
He's a hundred miles out of town. I can keep driving to him, or I can turn around and go back to Stefan. It's your choice.

Damon:
Since I'm possibly a dead man, can I ask you a question?

Elena:
Yeah, of course.

Damon:
If it was just down to him and me, and you had to make a choice on who got the good-bye... who would it be?

Elena:
I love him, Damon. He came into my life at a time when I needed someone, and I fell for him instantly. And no matter what I feel for you, I...I never un-fell for him.

Damon:
Hey, I get it. It's Stefan. It's always going to be Stefan.

Elena:
I can't think about 'always'. All I can think about is right now. And I care about you, Damon. Which is why I have to let you go. (crying) I mean, maybe if you and I had...met first...

Damon:
Maybe...

(flashback)

Damon:
(turns from looking at the stars when he hears Elena's voice in the distance)

Elena (talking on the phone):
I know, Bonnie - you're right. You and my mom both are. I just can't bring myself to tell him. At least not tonight. I'll call you later. (hangs up)

Damon (under the impression that Elena is Katherine):
Katherine.

Elena:
Um...no. I- I'm Elena.

Damon:
Oh. You- you just look... I'm sorry. You just...really remind me of someone. I'm Damon.

Elena:
Not to be rude or anything, Damon, but it's kind of creepy that you're out here in the middle of nowhere.

Damon:
You're one to talk. You're out here all by yourself.

Elena:
It's Mystic Falls. Nothing bad ever happens here. (pauses, then gestures to her phone) I got into a fight with my boyfriend.

Damon:
'Bout what, may I ask?

Elena:
Life; the future. He's got it all mapped out.

Damon:
And you don't want it?

Elena:
I don't know what I want.

Damon:
Well, that's not true. You want what everybody wants.

Elena:
What? Mysterious stranger who has all the answers?

Damon:
Hmm. Well, let's just say I've been around a long time. I've learned a few things.

Elena:
So, Damon, tell me. What is it that I want?

Damon:
You want a love that consumes you. You want passion, and adventure, and even little danger.

Elena:
So...what do you want?

Damon:
Ah... (horn honks in the distance; Elena looks)

Elena:
That's my parents. (turns back to Damon)

Damon:
I want you to get everything you're looking for. But right now I want you to forget that this happened. I can't have people knowing I'm in town yet. Good night, Elena.

Damon:
Where is she?

Meredith:
Damon-

Damon:
Where is she?

Meredith:
Wait! (stops him) You need to know, when Jeremy brought Elena in here earlier tonight, her injuries were worse than I let on. It wasn't a concussion. It was a cerebral hemorrhage - bleeding on the brain.

Damon:
What are you saying?

Meredith:
He was so worried, I didn't want to tell him. But I helped her. She needed my help.

Damon (realizing what she means):
You what?

Stefan:
Careful, Damon. Your humanity's showing.

Damon:
I'd offer you a drink, but Katherine tells me you're more of a vampire-on-the-rocks kind of guy.

Mikael:
Well, technically you could still offer.

Damon:
Why feed on vampires? Don't tell it's for the smooth after taste.

Mikael:
I had a hand in creating vampires, but bloodlust was never my intention. Over the centuries I learned to feed from the predator, not the innocent.

Damon:
We thought of everything, Elena! Klaus having hybrids. Mikael turning on us. We brought in Katherine so you weren`t in danger. Anything that could have gone wrong, we were prepared!

Elena:
I don`t understand. Stefan wanted Klaus dead. More than anything. That`s what we were counting on.

Damon:
We blew it.

Elena:
Where`s Katherine?

Damon:
She ran for the hills like usual, the minute things got bad.

Bonnie:
I've been having these dreams for days now. It's like the witches are trying to send me a message.

Elena:
I just can't believe that you guys kept this from me this whole time.

Bonnie:
Stefan thought, if you knew where the coffins were, Klaus could threaten people to get the information out of you.

Caroline:
(entering and sees Tyler) What are you doing here?

Tyler:
I came to apologize.

Caroline:
(disbelieving) Apologize?! You bit me. I could've died. I think we're way past apologies, Tyler.

Tyler:
That's the problem. Klaus told me to do it and I said no. And then... just happened anyway. Like, it was completely out of my control. That's why I had your mom call him.

Alaric:
Are you still obsessed of Meredith? I mean, don't you have an original vampire to care about? (as he lifts weights)

Damon:
Ah ah ah, do ten more of those. You're gonna wanna buff up, if you start dating this one. Self-defense and all.

Damon:
(about the coffins) Well, Bonnie gave me the heads-up. I didn't have enough time, to get all four, but I did have time to get one.

Klaus:
I will tear you apart, limb from limb. And only then, when you're a riving mass of blood and flesh, will I rip your heart from your chest.

Damon:
Sorry. The same rules apply. You know, leverage and all. I know you want your family back. But something tells me, you want what's in that coffin a lot more.

Stefan:
Oh, you're still alive. I assume, that means Klaus didn't get his coffins.

Damon:
Don't look so happy, I was only able to get one of them out in time. The locked one.

Stefan:
Probably a good choice.

Damon:
Yeah. You know, if you're banking on Bonnie's mom to open it, you're screwed. She doesn't have any powers.

Stefan:
Doesn't surprise me. It's been that kind of night.

Klaus:
Your trap failed, mother. I live and I will go on living. Let your beloved spirits try to preserve you again. I dare you to come after me. I will build an army so big no one will ever touch me. My survival will haunt you through eternity. You will never destroy me!