The Vicar of Dibley, Season 3

Owen Newitt:
I am not a lunatic. I have the psychiatric report to prove it. A slender majority of the panel decided in my favour.

Alice:
I've done the test and it said I wasn't pregnant. The hamster didn't turn blue or anything.

Geraldine:
I'm not sure I'm familiar with this particular pregnancy test.

Alice:
Oh, it's how we've always done it here in Dibley. You see, you get a hamster, and you wee on it, and if it turns blue you're pregnant.

Geraldine:
Right.

Jim:
We're sorry to trouble you at this time, Vicar. It's just that you know when you said that if we had a serious problem that should come and see you.

Geraldine:
[uneasy] Yes

Frank:
[serious] We need to see you now. Desperately.

Geraldine:
[Geraldine begins to feel for them] Of course guys, of course. Come on in. Make yourself at home. Have a seat. Now tell me, what's the problem?

Jim:
[shows a crossword] It's Seven Down.

Frank:
[Frank and Jim have just found out that Geraldine is planning to sleep with Simon] Good luck vicar, I think he'll make you very happy.

Geraldine:
Aw, thank you Frank.

Jim:
And if he doesn't I'll have a go!

Owen:
She's already missed one set of Sunday services and it's important she doesn't miss another.

Alice:
Can I just say, um, that I thought Mr. Pickle gave a lovely sermon as lay preacher.

Hugo:
Yes, bravo. How you kept going for two and a half hours was amazing.

Owen:
As I say, it's absolutely *vital* that she doesn't miss another Sunday. I need hardly remind you that we actually lost a couple of the older members of our congregation during last week's service.

Jim:
Don't worry Frank, they were going to die anyway. And that fellow who stood up and said if this moron doesn't shut up soon I'm going to kill myself and then five minutes later shot himself in the head... well, he'd been gloomy for quite some time...

Geraldine:
Let's just finish this conversation, before I stab you to death.

Geraldine:
Now Alice. You're single, a virgin and yet pregnant.

Owen:
That happened to my cousin Sally.

Geraldine:
No it didn't, Owen.

Owen:
Yes it did. She gave birth three times but she never ever had sex with a man.

Jim:
Except me.

Frank:
And me.

Owen:
And me if I'm honest.

Owen:
I'd just like to say. I'll be slaughtering Daisy here tomorrow, so do order your Christmas beef after the show.

Bishop of Mulberry:
Aww the baby is sleeping. We must be really QUIET

[Baby Geraldine has woken up]

Bishop of Mulberry:
Aww hello little one, you're awake.

Geraldine:
Yes, I wonder why.

Jim:
That is life. Full of confusion. I found this gorgeous girl in Thailand. We snogged, well we more than snogged. I asked her to marry me, she said yes. We got married on a pineapple strewn beach. On the first night of the honeymoon she takes off all her clothes and it turns out she's a bloke called Duane.

David:
[Seeing Geraldine chained to the church] You look like an extra in a low-budget remake of a film by Ken Russell.

Owen:
[walking into the parish hall] Sorry for being late but I made the mistake of going to my toilet today and it hasn't been flushed for ten days. I've only just regained consciousness.

Jim:
I was so excited, I made love to a Swedish journalist.

Geraldine:
We know, JIm. We were chained to you at the time.

Frank:
Isn't there something we can do to help? After all, we are the three wise men.

Jim:
No, no, no, we are the kings.

Jim:
Most kings are brain-dead, inbred cretins.

Geraldine:
This Christmas is quite special this year.

Jim:
Is Carry On Camping going to be on the telly?

Geraldine:
No, no!

Owen:
Is Jesus coming back to get rid of all the bad in this sick world?

Geraldine:
Not that either, although it would be good to have someone new presenting Songs of Praise! But no, the reason that this year is special to me is that it is my tenth year in Dibley.

Frank:
Here is a woman, who could have done anything. Gone anywhere! And yet you have chosen to waste the best ten years of your life stuck with us morons!

Geraldine:
... Yeah. Thanks for that!

[Geraldine is drunk in front of her parishioners]

Geraldine:
[To woman in the crowd] Hello you! I haven't told anyone about your boob job!

[Winks at her, then looks at David]

Geraldine:
And you! You think no one notices that you're.. bald. I mean everyone is looking at you, and thinking "My goodness. Why does this man have a massive egg for a head". CRACK ON!

Geraldine:
[Geraldine giving her Christmas sermon while heavily drunk] On this day, many many years ago, a child was born. And his name was ummm... his name was... gosh, I know this... it's in that book. Ummm... [looks at Alice for answer].

Alice:
[Whispers, trying to hint the name] J.

Geraldine:
Jeremy! No, that's not it.

Alice:
[Whispers louder than before] J-esus.

Geraldine:
Jesus - no that's not right either. Doesn't matter, what's in a name? Important thing is... he was a very, very nice guy... apparently. (laughs) Two important things to remember about him. ONE, he loved all of us and he had a nice fluffy beard , and three, two, one - THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO!!! [She collapses and falls off the pulpit. The congregation applauds].

Owen:
[Reading his letter to the Prime Minister] Dear Prime Minister...

Geraldine:
Good Start!

Owen:
Listen up, you stupid P**ck...

Geraldine:
Smell a tiny problem there...

Owen:
Yes, well, I thought he must get a lot of letters and that I should grab his attention right from the beginning.

Geraldine:
Yeah, good point, I think that might be a little bit counter-productive, but let's see how we continue...

Owen:
Dear Prime Minister, listen up, you stupid P**ck...

Geraldine:
Yes...

Owen:
Yours sincerely, Owen Newitt.

Alice:
I'm reading that fantistic new book from the bible!

Geraldine:
[Hesitates] ...What new book from the bible?

Alice:
The Da Vinci Code

Harry:
[moves a large box] Sorry it's a bit of a mess. I just moved out of a student big flat in London it's gonna be a bit of a squeeze squeezing it all in so uh, well if you see anything you like the look of just steal it I'll never know.

Alice:
Really?

Geraldine:
[to Alice] No, not really.

Harry:
Oh, I'm Harry by the way. Sorry. All over the shop today.

Geraldine:
[shaking Harry's hand] Oh, right and I'm Geraldine. I just live down the lane.

Harry:
Excellent.

Geraldine:
Yeah.

Alice:
And I'm Alice.

Harry:
[shakes her hand] Splendid! Well, what a surprise so I actually receive a visit from a neighbour. I lived on the same street in London for 15 whole years and the bell never rang once.

Alice:
Oh, we had a bell like that... We wired it wrong...

David:
Yes well, there is one little thing: I brought along a bottle of champagne, because although she may not realize it, the Vicar last weekend did her 100th Wedding while she's been here.

[everyone cheers and David pops the cork off the bottle as Hugo brings glasses to the table]

Geraldine:
[surprised] Really? 100? Goodness me. So that's 100 happy-in-love brides and grooms and... and I'm always the Vicar... I'm never the bride...

[Geraldine starts to break down]

Geraldine:
I'm alw-I'm always in the cassack... I'm never in the lovely big white frocks...

[Geraldine starts crying]

David:
Somebody cheer her up.

Owen:
I'll marry you, Dollyknockers!

Geraldine:
Shut up!

Geraldine:
Everyone is welcome here in the bosom of my bosoms.

Geraldine:
[writing in a notebook] Right, so just her first and last name then.

Harry:
Well...

Geraldine:
Come on Harry. You shouldn't be marrying someone if you don't even know their name.

Harry:
[slowly] Well... obviously it's... Geraldine...

Geraldine:
[writing] Geraldine...

Harry:
Granger.

Geraldine:
[writing] Grange...

[Geraldine turns around]

Geraldine:
[shocked] Pardon?

Harry:
Geraldine Granger... I'm asking you to marry me, Geraldine Granger.

Geraldine:
What about-What about that other one you've been living with? Rosie the pretty one -

Harry:
-My sister?

Geraldine:
-WHAT?!

Geraldine:
Right, Owen, you said you'd delight and surprise us.

Owen:
Yes, I'm not so sure about the delight bit any longer.

Geraldine:
... right, well fire away.

Owen:

Geraldine:
So Frank, how many verses?

Frank:
108. It's quite a controversial thesis and it took a little bit of time to formulate my... peroration.

Geraldine:
Right, well, would you forgive us if we didn't hear all of the verses?

Frank:
I could drop 1 or 2 in the middle.

Geraldine:
Fire away!

Frank:

Geraldine:
You say it.

Alice:
Next.

Frank:
(walks away mumbling sadly)

Geraldine:
Can I just say, before you start, that all my hopes for this competition - indeed, all my hopes that after 10 years there is one shred of talent or sanity in this village are resting entirely upon you?

Jim:
No... No-no, no-no, no worries. I was trying to work out which bit of the nativity story was never done.

Geraldine:
Good.

Jim:
Then I realised... the actual birth.

Geraldine:
Bad. And so it goes?

Jim:

Geraldine:
(Bangs head down on the table extreme force)

Alice:
I rather like that.