The War at Home, Season 2

Dave:
The first day of school. When you're a kid, it's the worst day of the year. When you're a parent, it's the 4th of July, New Year's Eve, and your birthday all rolled into one. In fact, I just got some back-to-school supplies. (opens a bottle of champagne and drinks it)

Dave (to Vicky):
What, you've actually thought about breaking up with me?

Vicky:
Honey, I share a bathroom with you. I think about breaking up with you every morning.

Dave:
No, no, seriously, tell me, have you actually thought about breaking up with me? Because I can't think of one reason why anyone would want to break up with me.

Vicky:
(laughs) Trust me, there have been situations.

Dave:
Yeah? Well, tell me one.

Vicky:
How about the time when I was pregnant with Hillary and my water broke & your first instinct was to criticize me because I ruined the upholstery of your Camaro.

Dave:
It was a new car!

Dave:
You know what the problem with this country is? Everyone has a freakin' dream, and it's only in America. I mean, have you ever heard of "the Canadian Dream"? No. And there's no such thing as "the Mexican Dream" other than to sneak across the border to have "the American Dream." As much as I hate dreams, yeah, I can't help it, you know? I still have hopes and dreams for my own kids. Mainly that they'll sneak across the border into Mexico and leave me the hell alone.

Hillary:
I'm going to be a singer. In fact, when I win my first Grammy, I already have my speech prepared.

Dave:
Yeah, what's that?

Hillary:
This is for my parents... to shove it up their ass!

Dave:
Yeah, you win a Grammy, I'll let you shove it my ass!

Dave:
What?

Larry:
Kenny's dad promised to take us to the big comic book convention in Philadelphia this weekend, but then, at the last minute, he canceled.

[cut scene]

Dave:
You see, that's why I never promise my kids anything. If they don't expect anything, they'll never be disappointed. It also applies to wives and foreplay.

Vicky:
Dave, Hillary wants to spend the night over at a boy's house.

Dave:
No ****ing way, now you go to your ****ing room and don't come the **** out until I ****ing say so!

(Hillary marches upstairs)

Vicky:
It's good to have you back.

Dave:
Larry, if there's one thing I know about, it's how to ruin a relationship with a brother. If you don't believe me, ask your Uncle Eric.

Larry:
I have an Uncle Eric?

Dave:
(to Larry) Now, look, Heidi was Mike's first girlfriend, so stop teasing him.

Mike:
Ha!

Dave:
(to Mike) And for all we know, Heidi could be Larry's last girlfriend, so you lay off.

Larry:
Ha ha! Hey, wait, what?

Dave:
Just relax, okay, my plan is working.

Vicky:
Oh, you mean the plan you pulled out of your ass?

Dave:
Yeah, that one.

Vicky:
Okay, well, keep pulling. Maybe we can get your head out of there.

Dave:
It's a fact of life. We all lie. Husbands lie to wives, wives lie to husbands, parents lie to kids and the President lies to everyone. And then, of course, there is the most popular lies: the lies we tell ourselves. (holds up cup that reads "World's Best Dad")

Larry:
(about Tiffany) You shouldn't judge a book by its cover. You should judge it by its smokin' hot body!

Dave:
So... Tiffany's, uh, quite the young lady.

Bob:
Oh, please. She's a nightmare. I want to drop her off in a field, then move, then kill myself to make sure she doesn't find me.

Dave:
You know, that son of yours just cursed at me.

Vicky:
Wow, you actually stopped yelling at Larry long enough for him to swear at you?

Dave:
Hey, you know, when I was a kid, I never would have talked to my father that way. I did it behind his back as a sign of respect.

Vicky:
Well, what did you do to him?

Dave:
What's that supposed to mean?

Vicky:
Well, just that he's a pretty sweet-natured kid. You must have done something to piss him off. Come on, Dave, can't you just try to get along?

Dave:
For your information, Vicky, I was trying. I sat down with him to watch TV, we talked about "The Lord of the Rings" which he loves so much, and then, out of nowhere, he opens his big mouth and curses at me. I mean, what kind of **** is that?

Dave:
Hey, what's going on? What are you two doing?

Larry:
We're just playing this really cool computer simulation game, where you get to interact with thousands of people in a virtual world. You can earn virtual money and buy virtual property, and...

Dave:
Oh, yeah, yeah, I heard about this game. I heard it's so realistic that you guys can't get dates there, either.

Dave:
Kenny, come out of the closet right now!

[cut scene]

Kenny:
If only it were that easy.

Hillary:
You've never liked any boy I've ever brought home.

Dave:
Oh, that's not true.

Hillary:
You know what, why don't you just pick my next boyfriend?

Dave:
No, no, no, no. I don't pick out. I kick out.

Dave:
What are you talking about? We do a lot of fun things together.

Vicky:
Oh, yeah, we have a ball. There's nothing better than sitting on the couch watching TV, bitching about our kids during commercials.

Dave:
Come on, that's not all we do.

Vicky:
That's true. Sometimes we bitch about our jobs, too.

Dave:
(to Vicky) I promise I'll get him to stop seeing her. (cut scene) You know, sometimes I feel horrible about lying right to my wife's face. This is not one of those times.

Vicky:
Relax, Dave. It's one game of Dungeons & Dragons.

Dave:
Oh, no, there's no one game of Dungeons & Dragons. Okay, once you start that game, you're hooked, okay? It's like crack for losers.

Dave:
Now go to your room and stay there.

Larry:
I'm being sent to my room for getting beaten up?

Dave:
Yes.

Larry:
This is completely unfair!

Dave:
All right, one more word out of you and I'm gonna make you play basketball.

(Larry runs off)

Larry:
What's going on?

Kenny:
I'm gay.

Larry:
Excuse me?

Kenny:
I'm gay.

Larry:
No, you're not.

Kenny:
Yeah, I am.

Larry:
No, you're not.

Dave:
Yeah, he is!

Larry:
Hey, Dad, can I have $40? I need it so I can take out this girl.

Dave:
Oh, hey, here's 50 bucks. And some Tic Tacs.

Larry:
No, thanks. I don't need those.

Dave:
Oh, yeah, you do. So, who's the girl?

Larry:
Actually, it's two girls.

Mike:
Two girls for $50? Wow, that's half what you usually pay.

Larry:
Well, I guess your mom works cheap. (laughs)

Mike:
Larry, Larry, for the last time, making "your mom" jokes to your own brother, it just defeats the whole purpose.

Vicky:
If Kenny's the gay one, how come Larry's the drama queen?

Vicky:
I'm just saying Kenny's acting like he's fine, but I can tell he's crying on the inside.

Dave:
Good. That's where he should cry. That's where I've been crying for the last 30 years, and it hasn't hurt me any. (opens a beer and drinks it)

Vicky:
Hasn't hurt the beer industry, either.

Dave:
Wow, I can't remember the last time you made these.

Vicky:
I do. It was four years ago, the last time we had family movie night, which I'm excited to say, I am re-instating starting tonight.

Dave:
Ugh! Why? Sweetie, why are you doing this to me? I already hate Monday through Friday. You got to ruin Sunday now?

Hillary:
I have to prepare for my interview.

Dave:
All right. You gonna go think up some good things to say to them?

Hillary:
No, Dad, I'm gonna focus on what's important: picking out an outfit.

Dave:
Hey, Vicky, what the hell's going on with Hillary? You know, she bought herself some expensive cell phone that I know she can't afford.

Vicky:
Oh, no. You don't think she's shoplifting, do you?

Dave:
No, no. I mean, she wears her clothes so tight, I mean, where would she hide anything? I don't know, but she's up to something, okay? Something's going on with her. Haven't you noticed that she's always on the phone, she's always text messaging, and she's being so secretive?

Vicky:
Oh, my God! You don't think she's... a teenager?

Larry:
There he is! The greatest dad in the world!

Dave:
You're not getting any more money.

Larry:
I hate you!

Dave:
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go on the roof.

Vicky:
Hey, I don't want you going up there to smoke pot.

Dave:
Oh, I'm not. I'm going to throw myself off it.

Dave:
(to Larry) You got busted with pot? What the hell's the matter with you? You know, I'm ashamed to call you my son. (cut scene) All right, the truth is, this is actually the first time I feel like he really is my son.

Vicky:
So, Mom, when's the wedding?

Betty:
It's two weeks from today.

Sid:
And we want you all to be there.

Vicky:
Well, of course we're all going to be there.

Dave:
Yeah, I can't think of any reason why we wouldn't. (cut scene) But two weeks should be enough time for me to come up with something

Vicky:
What's more important: my mother's happiness or a free trip to the Caribbean?

Dave:
Vicky, I know what answer you're hoping to hear, but we both know which one is going to come out of my mouth.

Dave:
Hey, remember how you said me sticking up for Kenny was a wonderful thing?

Vicky:
(raising her wine glass) Yeah.

Dave:
Well, Social Services is on their way here to take him away. By the way, it might not be a bad idea if you weren't drinking when they got here.

Dave:
Can you believe these kids?

Vicky:
What can I say? Your sperm and my eggs, it's a powerful combination, honey.

Dave:
It certainly defeated every form of birth control we tried.

Dave:
I don't know about you two, but I'm sick and tired of working for that douche bag. I mean, when's it going to be my turn to be the boss and have people call me the douche bag?

Joe:
Apparently, a lot of people around here already think you're the boss.

Dave:
Hey, look, I found my old notebook with all my old rhymes in it.

Larry:
You held on to that, and yet you threw away any picture of me before the age of ten.

Dave:
I was doing you a favor. You were not a photogenic child.

Dave:
You have no idea what it's like to have an unsupportive father like that.

Larry:
I'm sure it could cause some real damage.

Dave:
You have no idea, freak show. No idea.

Larry:
Yeah, but I thought Mom and Dad were happy.

Hillary:
Really? Douchebag and Skank never struck you as odd pet names?

Vicky:
We need to choose somebody who would have guardianship over the kids.

Dave:
Look, I don't care that much about them now, all right? You think I'm going to care about them when I'm dead?

Dave:
What the hell are you doing sitting by the trash cans?

Larry:
Just hanging out.

Dave:
Oh, I know I told you you were garbage before, but I didn't mean it literally.

Dave:
(after sees Taye & Hillary kissing) Yo! Father in the room! Hey, Taye, let me tell you something. The only thing you should be kissing in this house is my ass.

Mike:
Alright, I've been up all night brainstorming, and I think you're both going to be very pleased.

Larry:
Wow, you know, this is the first time I've ever been excited about having a little brother since they brought you home from the hospital and I realized that no one would pay any attention to me ever again... (pauses) So what do you got?

Dave:
Think, Fink. This is your opportunity to be rid of Hillary Gold once and for all. And if I were you, I'd be attaching a rocket to her ass and shooting her out into space. I mean, seriously, do you really want this girl in your school a minute longer than necessary.

Principal Fink:
You know, I never quite thought of it like that. Okay!