Titus, Season 1

Titus:
Dave's my brother. I love him with all my heart. No matter how many times I'm charged as an accessory.

Titus:
Erin's office. Inflammable. Non-flammable. You gotta be a dictionary to know what burns.

Titus:
Hey, once you've driven a drunk father to mom's parole hearing, what else is there?

Erin:
So I'm sitting in a meeting when my pager goes off with a message. It says "Dad's dead." So I race out of the meeting and drive all the way to Santa Maria because, naturally, I think "My dad's dead"!

Titus:
Honey, your dad is not dead.

Erin:
[with dry sarcasm] Yeah, I know that now. [back to normal] Because if he were, what I walked in on my mother doing to him would be so... sick.

Titus:
All he does is mess with people's minds!

Ken:
You're right, I do.

Titus:
See, you're doing it right now!

Ken:
[slyly] No, I'm not.

Titus:
Yes, you are!

Ken:
All right, I am.

Titus:
Stop it!

[Flashback to when Titus was 17]

Christopher (wailing while banging on the door):
Daddy! My key doesn't work in the door any more! I have laundry!

Ken:
[opens door] Laundry? [squirts dish soap over Titus' shirt] Here's some soap. Find a rock and a river.

Erin:
You slept with her?

Titus:
She said, "You want some pie?" I didn't know it was a metaphor!

Ken:
(flashback) Hey, it was just a bad call. Bad call on your part! I cheated on my last wife with you! What did you think was going to happen? Caveat emptor, baby! Great ass.

Titus:
I'm doing the right thing. I'm integritous.

Tommy:
"Integritous"?

Titus:
It's a word.

Dave I'm Integritous. It's my gladiator name.

Titus:
A Glock-9 holds seventeen bullets. Is that what we've come to? I piss you off in traffic you need seventeen bullets to kill me?

[Thinking they are going to die, Titus, Erin, Dave, and Tommy are voicing their regrets in life.]

Erin:
I never got to see Ireland.

Titus:
Honey, you never got to see San Diego.

Erin:
[with dry sarcasm] That helps.

Titus:
My dad is a negative, judgmental pain in the ass who destroyed my self-esteem and tortured me my entire life. My mom's a violent, paranoid schizophrenic. God, I love my dad.

Ken Titus:
I hear Looney Tunes made dinner. I'm surprised. Usually, the turkey is saying such threatening things to her, she can't get close enough to cook it.

(in the Neutral Space)

Christopher Titus:
Thanksgiving (cut to Juanita shooting a raw turkey with a handgun): A very special episode.

Titus:
We think you have a problem. It's about your drinking.

Ken:
But I haven't had a drink in a month.

Titus:
Dad, we'd like you to start again.

[Ken, having started drinking again, reveals that Tommy had a dream about Titus in which Titus was naked.]

Tommy:
The nudity, it wasn't gratuitous, it was integral to the plot of of the dream!

Titus:
[disgusted] There was a plot?

Tommy:
You were a pirate.

[Titus moans in disgust.]

Rich:
You see a man drowning, you throw him a beer.

Titus:
Dad, is there anything I can do?

Ken:
See if you can trade yourself in for a nice Korean kid. (a nearby Asian nurse glares at him)

Titus:
(pointing at the nurse) Uh, dad--

Ken:
I'll name him Ho-John Titus.

Titus:
Dad--

Ken:
Ho-John wouldn't steal my distributor cap, and I could probably get him for a pack of cigarettes.

Titus:
(pointing at the nurse) Why don't you see if she can help you?

Ken:
(turning to the nurse) You know where I can get a Korean kid?

[As a practical joke, Titus has convinced hospital staffers to shave Ken's testicles.]

Ken:
I look like a nine year-old boy.

Officer Charlie Regan:
You have a custom car shop? I want my Viper flamed.

Dave:
And I want my pot back.

Titus:
Dave, we're bribing him.

Dave:
But he already has my pot!

Five-Year-Old Titus:
Dad, Teacher said we can be anything we wanted to be.

Ken:
She wasn't talking to you, son. Now, go in the backyard and practice digging some holes.