Top Chef, Season 3

Sara M.:
[referring to Sam from season 2] He's kinda cute.

Ted:
Kinda?

Hung:
I've been labeled a CPA for about a year now: Certified Professional Asshole! [laughs] That's me!

Padma:
What is the greater crime, though, leaving something off the plate...

Tom:
...or Clay's dish?

CJ:
Tom and Padma walks in and I was just like, "Sweet little tyke in a manger, what is happening here?!"

Tom:
[about Clay's amusé] This is almost more like a first course, not so much an amusé...I guess I have a big mouth, but I don't know if it's THIS big!

Clay:
When you looked at my f***ing apple, were you like, "That dude's f***ed!" Be honest, you're not going to hurt my feelings. [laughs] That dude's f***ed! Hell, I'm from Mississippi, pick it up and eat that son of a bitch! That's the way I see it!

CJ:
[about Anthony Bourdain] He's not afraid to eat a brain out of a live monkey.

Howie:
In your book, though, there's a little, you know, part that says about Ecuadorian line cooks, I believe? Ecuadorian?

Anthony Bourdain:
Oh, that's unfair, dude!

Howie:
Wait, wait a minute! And what does it say? Its says, "You can yell at this person and this person and they'll give it to you when it's wrong". But these particular people, they'll give it to you when it's right!

Anthony Bourdain:
You son of a bitch!

Gail:
Oh, you're in trouble!

Sandee:
How's it going, CJ?

CJ:
I love how low everything is, my back feels fantastic, and the sun is beating down on my face.

Howie:
[in response to Joey's attack] You want to know what, I want to run home and be a f***ing man about it, and you want to f***ing bitch like a little girl, okay, like you've done all day. This guy copied your shit. This guy should've lost! And then what do you do? You go, "Oh yeah, Howie!" What the f***! You look out for your own ass! So don't tell me I'm not a f***ing man!

Hung:
I looked around the kitchen, and I just saw some slummy dishes!

Hung:
Yeah, simple, but my monkey could do that.

Jamie Walker:
You're very tall.

CJ:
Thank you very much, I'm flattered you noticed.

Tom:
[to Hung] You have amazing knife skills; just be very careful with your knife, because you almost cut Casey. Please be careful.

Tom:
Is this the dish that you think should send you home?

Lia:
No.

Tom:
[pauses] Hmm. Okay.

Ted:
Are any of the rest of you dating?

Clay:
Me and Sandee.

Ted:
Outstanding!

Sandee:
Wrong gender, dude.

Andy Cohen:
Clay, do you want to defend your amusé?

Clay:
Not at all. [laughs]

Andy Cohen:
[reading a viewer question] "Ilan, do you think anyone was cast for their looks more than their cooking ability, like Sam, Cliff, or Camille?"

Ilan:
Yeah, I can only judge from my season.

Andy Cohen:
And?

Ilan:
And, yeah, absolutely. I think Frank was always a prime example. [everybody laughs]

Micah:
[about her comment on American comfort food] I was simply describing it, just as I would say, "Indian people put chutney with their curry!"

Padma:
We don't, by the way, but... [laughs]

Ilan:
You totally f***ed it up now!

Gail:
Now you've ostracized all of us!

Tre:
How's Sara treating you?

Brian:
Slow as shit.

CJ:
[about Hung's performance in the Quickfire] He came off as a freaking douche.

Ted:
Note to chefs: if you want to make people happy, give them bacon.

Dale:
Hung went all over the place. He wanted to go for seven different textures and he really made white chocolate cauliflower foam. And I think that's all I'll say about that.

Howie:
Sweet Cream and berries...if it ain't broke, y'know, don't fix it.

Sara M.:
Casey and Sara were a little upset because cleavage was showing, and...I really didn't give a shit.

CJ:
They've got Hung, one of the loudest people I've ever met in my life, and Brian, one of the most annoying people I've ever met in my life.

Brian:
I'm real scared for my buddy CJ over there! [laughs]

Dale:
I can just feel the anger in the entire group just like, "You've got to be kidding me. I hate you so much right now, but I want to be you right now!"

CJ:
Oh, big time.

Hung:
Right. Chicken time!

Dale:
[about Hung's performance in the Quickfire] He destroys those chickens. And even Tom's standing there, like "You've got to be kidding me!"

Dale:
The other team kinda seemed like the Dream Team, and we're like, the Bad News Bears. And the fact that we kicked their ass really has us going.

Howie:
Do I look like I care about fashion? This is from Target. This whole outfit.

Brian:
[about Hung's crazy Smurf-inspired dish] I have no idea what this guy's on.. but I want some!

Michael Schwartz:
[about Hung's crazy Smurf-inspired dish] What the f*** is that? That's some crazy shit.

Sara:
Esteban is this new hip and upcoming designer from Miami. A lot of fashionistas.. you know.. [holds up index finger] skinny.

Hung:
I love fashion. I like to wear clothes that fit me, not clothes that look like a box.

Hung:
I love eating, I grew up eating.

CJ:
If there was another Spice Girl, it would be Crepe Spice.

Dale:
Everyone loves a fried egg sandwich. And in my world, everything is breakfast.

Anthony Bourdain:
[about CJ's dish] They were cleaning Bob Marley's house and found this in the closet.

Dale:
I think right now, Casey's the one to beat...and it is killing Hung!

Hung:
[about the criteria for the Elimination Challenge] Score for me!

Dale:
Where's Casey? Oh, there she is. I'm like, "Mom? MOM?"

Dale:
Before I started this competition, I had one of the top 20 restaurants in the country in my hands. It closed because the owner retired. And literally, I had my dream job. It slipped through my fingers, and I fell apart. Before the first Quickfire here, I hadn't cooked in a year and a half. I entered this competition to find myself again. I have been reborn. I have found my flavor. And I think today's Elimination challenge dish was a definite difference from what I have shown in this competition before. And now I'm a chef again.

Hung:
What the hell do cowboys and cowgirls eat?! Baked beans, baked beans, and baked beans?

Dale:
I really don't know that much about cowboys. I mean, I've slept with a few, but...[laughs]...that's about it.

Brian:
This is my "Honkey-Tonk-Whiskey-River-Drunken Elk Shank."

Tom:
You know, there's two...(Gail and Padma force his hand off his chin)...sorry.

Tom:
One of them is...(Gail and Padma force his hand off his chin again) You don't gotta hit me!

Dale:
[about Todd English, his assigned sous chef] I know you have more restaurants than you can count, but chop my garlic now.

Dale:
[to his lobsters] Hi, you guys!

Rocco:
[to Hung] Are you sweating in your food, by any chance?

Hung:
It's funny, because on one of Anthony Bourdain's blogs, he said that he would like to see a cook-off between you and I!

Rocco:
I'll tell you what, here's what we're gonna do: we'll open a restaurant together. This way, Anthony will never know which one's the better cook.

Hung:
Yeah. [They laugh]

Casey:
Why are these plates so small?!?

Hung:
For third course, I'm thinking, "What's more Asian than duck?" [laughs]

Todd English:
[about Hung's duck course] This is 3-star Michelin in my book.

Casey:
I did remind them over the break that I was kicking their ass for a while!

Tom:
Casey, you've been a fierce competitor this entire competition. Tonight's menu just never came together for you, but we know you're a great chef, and I know when I'm in Dallas where I can go to get a good meal. Dale, we are just so delighted that you found your inner chef. The culinary world is definitely stronger having you cooking in it. You put together a fabulous meal with great flavors, and you're cooking with a ton of confidence. Thank you. Hung, you've proven throughout this entire competition that you're a great technician, but in this challenge, you married it with passion. Again, you put together a fabulous meal, and we really enjoyed seeing you in the food. But as you know, there can only be one Top Chef.

Dale:
Beauty's only a light switch away.

Andy Cohen:
Who here thinks they have a shot at Fan Favorite?

[Hung raises his hand; he and everybody else laughs]

Tom:
My friend, you have, no shot, I think!

Hung:
[still laughing] Zero! Zero!

Tom:
None! [laughs]

Andy Cohen:
[reading a viewer question] "I noticed that CJ seemed real excited when Padma woke him up. What's up with CJ and Padma?"

CJ:
Well, it's not, like, how the dream normally goes, but the wakeup was fine! [everyone laughs]

Sandee:
That was a challenge I definitely missed. [everyone laughs harder]

Andy Cohen:
On the other side of the coin, Casey, there's a rumor out there about the frightening implications of becoming close friends with you. Let's take a look.

Howie:
That was tough!

Ted:
Yeah, you guys might want to scoot back a little bit.

Andy Cohen:
Casey, are you the black widow of Top Chef 3?

Sandee:
I was her roommate! [everyone laughs even harder] First kiss of death, right here! Thanks, Casey. Love ya, babe.

Dale:
[about his montage] I've always wanted a montage.

Gail:
Don't be a hater!

Andy Cohen:
Was the decision between a Top Chef logo and a heart with Howie's name on it?

Joey:
Nah, that's going on the other leg.

Andy Cohen:
Jack wants to know, "Which challenge was your favorite?" Clay?

Clay:
Me? [The room bursts with laughter]

Howie:
So wrong. That is so wrong!

Clay:
Now, hold on a minute! Does Jack really ask this or do you?