Top Gear, Series 16

[during the opening sequence]

Jeremy:
Tonight, a dog won't go in a car, a clipboard falls over, and a man from Liverpool is on our track.

[In the opening scene, where Jeremy is talking about the iPlayer]

Jeremy:
...and isn't the iPlayer [stutters] brilliant...[pauses for a few seconds]...art...om when it freezes...[freezes as if buffering]...oadband connection. Er, what I'd like to do is shove it up British Telecom's...[freezes again before he can finish; cut to him dithering further back]...e start tonight with the Ariel Atom. Now there is a new, much fa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-[scene cut]-aster version, which has come along recently...

Jeremy:
Forgive me for saying this, but a good looking chap such yourself tends not to be funny.

John Bishop:
[looks at Jeremy] ...You are funny.

[checking the leader board]

Jeremy:
Tom Cruise is the fastest, and then Cameron Diaz...

John Bishop:
Oh, I've always wanted to be on top of her.

Jeremy:
[applauses]...

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy:
Tonight, a sausage gets burnt, a sheep falls over, and our track is all wet.

[On the Mini Countryman]

Jeremy:
It's just stupid. It's the stupidest car I've ever seen. And it gave me crabs.

Richard:
What?

James:
Crabs?

Jeremy:
I meant cramp. Why did I say crabs? How can a car give you crabs?

Richard:
I don't know! Tell us!

Jeremy:
We know Saabs are driven by architects, yes? We know Audis are driven by people who play golf. We know Land Rover Discoveries are driven by murderers.

James:
Ah, now...

Jeremy:
What?

James:
I'm going to have to pull you up on that, as I think you'll find murderers drive a Renault Espace.

Jeremy:
Well, Kenneth Noye was a murderer, he had a Land Rover Discovery.

James:
So he may have done, but Harold Shipman drove a Renault Espace, Fred West drove a Renault Espace, Peter Sutcliffe drove a Renault 16.

Richard:
That's only because the Espace hadn't been invented.

James:
Exactly.

Jeremy:
This is a Top Gear top tip. If you're a policeman and there's been a murder in your area, simply arrest anyone who has a practical Renault. [laughter]

[After Jeremy has driven the Ferrari 599 GTO]

James:
You know what, when you were driving with the traction control off, it looked pretty much undriveable.

Jeremy:
It was. The thing is, though, after I made that film, I went to Italy with it. I drove it in the dry, and it was a lot better, but, all the time, you can sense it's plotting on new and exciting ways of killing you. You know Cato?

James:
What, from the Pink Panther?

Jeremy:
Yeah.

James:
That's my favourite comic character, pretty much.

Jeremy:
It's like that. You go around the corner. You think "Yes, I've got this, I'm holding this well." And suddenly, it goes into a massive tail slide.

James:
Not now, Cato.

Jeremy:
It is. You go back to a hotel room at night thinking, "Is it in the mini bar? Is it on top of the wardrobe?" You know it's going to leap out and attack you at any moment.

[On the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that he doesn't understand the word "envelope". And that he is the only woman in Britain not to have slept with Alan Johnson's policeman. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

[While eating burnt sausages between bread cooked by Jeremy, James and Richard]

Shane Jacobson:
Hmm! My grandfather was burnt less than that when they cremated him.

James:
Did you know that barbecue is an ancient Aboriginal word for diarrhoea?

Ewen Page:
Well it will be after we eat this I tell you that!

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy:
Tonight, a fat man gets murdered, a donkey gets overtaken and James wears lady's underwear on his head.

[In Albania]

Richard:
This is the perfect car for the job.

Jeremy:
...you can't say that.

Richard:
What?

Jeremy:
You can't say that word, the 'C' word.

Richard:
Well, I didn't, did I?

Jeremy:
[laughs] no, not that 'C' word, the other 'C' word.

Richard:
..."Car"?

Jeremy:
Yes. You can't say that. Car here means... "Gentleman sausage".

[...]

Richard:
But we do a car show!

Jeremy:
Yes, but you can't say car. Or peach.

James:
Peach?

Jeremy:
Don't say peach.

Richard:
What does that mean?

Jeremy:
[gestures] "Lady garden".

Richard:
And I have never experienced a car this big, and so powerful.

[having replaced a Bentley with a Yugo "for complicated reasons"]

Jeremy:
It is the most expensive penis of the three, two hundred twenty thousand pounds, and from where I'm sitting, it's hard to see why.

[...]

Jeremy:
[bouncing up and down] This has to be the least refined car I've ever driven. This is simply intolerable. Two hundred twenty thousand pounds for this!

[to Albanian mechanic]

Jeremy:
[gesturing] So, running, then stop.

James:
That describes most breakdowns really.

[Trying to fit a very large "dead body" in the back of a car]

Jeremy:
This was hopeless. So rather embarrassingly, we had to ask the man we'd murdered to give us a hand.

[Man stands up, climbs in]

[During their "bank heist" test, Jeremy and Ricard steal the Mercedes-Benz S65 AMG and the Rolls Royce Ghost, leaving him with the Yugo as his only means of transport, he is not pleased with this]

James:
What a pair of utter cars!

[During the opening sequence]

Jeremy:
Tonight, our track's a bit foggy, a man eats a snack, and we move about in a caravan.

[during the forensic test]

James:
They've actually already discovered that your car used to belong to a Muslim man from Birmingham.

Jeremy:
What, they can tell that just by swabbing the seats?

James:
No. They found this letter in the foot well.

[Jeremy laughs as James reveals it]

John Manlove:
[talking about the results of Richard's car] Again, the steering wheel had what turned out to be saliva staining on it. And lastly, we have pubic hairs, [James snorts] and, uh, faeces present.

James:
[laughs]

Jeremy:
I'm sorry, did you just say the word "faeces"?

John Manlove:
What certainly appeared to be faecal matter, yeah.

James:
That's poo, isn't it?

Jeremy:
That's poo. It's...

James:
[to Richard] Your car's got poo in it.

Richard:
Is that... normal?

Jeremy:
It's like driving around in a Morroccan prison, in the front of his car? [voiceover] After the forensic test, my colleagues were very distressed.

[James is wearing surgical gloves and a mouth mask in his car, Richard is wearing a hazmat suit in his]

Richard:
Oh, God!

[during the Pagani Zonda R review Jeremy points out that the Zonda R is not road legal nor can it be used on a track]

Jeremy:
[voiceover] So, if it's not for racing, and it's not for the road, what is it for? Well, this.

[cut to the Zonda R being driven very fast]

[after the build quality test with Jeremy's convertible, he gets out]

Jeremy:
[his voice is high-pitched from breathing helium] Right. I just have to say, that's a stupid test.

[Richard laughs]

Jeremy:
[still in a helium voice] It is stupid. It's just a test of how big your lungs are.

Jeremy:
Tonight: Richard wears a blue hat, James wears a different hat, and I wear a hat with things on it.

Jeremy:
You know when you drive behind the gritting machine and say "Oh no, it's turning my car into a DeLorean!"

[The Top Gear Presenters are driving through a Norwegian town and are testing the "de-icing" implement of their "Snowbine", which is essentially a flamethrower. Naturally, this makes Jeremy very excited.]

Jeremy:
[a la Arthur Brown] I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE AND I BRING YOU...

[he sends out a jet of flame behind the Snowbine]

Jeremy:
...FIRE!

[while trying to clear a ten-mile mountain pass, the Snowbine goes into a tank-slapper and causes Hammond to fall over backwards whilst shovelling grit, Jeremy laughs]

Richard:
[screams] I've lost my wedding ring!

Jeremy:
What?

Richard:
I've lost my wedding ring!

Jeremy:
Has it gone in the thing?

Richard:
It must have done!

Jeremy:
[voiceover] Soon, though, we had bigger things to worry about than Hammond's ring. [not in voiceover] Oh, hang on.

[the Snowbine crashes into a massive heap of snow in front of it and comes to a stop]

Jeremy:
If you think about it, a combine harvester is designed to never work in the snow, or in the rain, or on a hill. It's always flat ground on lovely summer's evenings. It's out of its comfort zone here. [voiceover] Which meant that sadly, so was I.

[Jeremy is shovelling snow off the snow blade]

Jeremy:
Jesus!

[On the start-stop-automatic of the BMW M3]

Jeremy:
[voiceover] In a straight line, it's no faster than the standard car. And around the bends it feels ... exactly the same. Except of course when you eventually spin [showing a spinning M3 with smoking tires] it'll assume you'd have arrived at a set of lights and cut the engine.

Jeremy:
[shouting] Why have you done that? Nobody arrives at a set of traffic lights backwards in a cloud of tire smoke! [mumbles] Stupid thing!

[During the opening sequence.]

Jeremy:
[voiceover] Tonight, a spaniel in a moon buggy; A fat man in a Kia;

John Prescott:
Woah, there she goes!

Jeremy:
[voiceover] and a race against the Lord God Almighty. [spoken in the car] Come on!

[On the Stig]

Jeremy:
Some say that his favourite disease he had when he was a child was gout. [laughter] And that he was very surprised this week when he was able to pick up some remarkably cheap tickets for the Bahrain Grand Prix. All we know is he's called the Stig!

[James and Jermemy are lining up their BMW 325 Convertibles for a 0-100-0 drag race]

Jeremy:
It's not the paving stone in the back I'm worried about; it's the automatic gearbox. Doing a drag race in an auto is like a 100 metre sprint in wellies, full of tadpoles.

[Having reached 100mp/h]:

Jeremy:
No brakes, no brakes!

[shot pans to flyby of Jeremy's car}

Jeremy:
This is not stopping!

[shot pans to another flyby]

Jeremy:
Please STOP!

[James chuckles]

James (voiceover):
Finally, it was Jeremy's turn.

Richard:
He's going to have to breathe. Oh, he's done it, he's done it!

[after the build quality test with Jeremy's convertible, he gets out]

Jeremy:
[his voice is high-pitched from breathing helium] Right...

[Richard bursts out in laughter]

Jeremy:
[still in a helium voice] I just have to say that's stu... it is stupid! It's just to test how big your lungs are!