Two and a Half Men, Season 11

[As a girl walks up the stairs, Jenny Harper, Charlie's long-lost daughter, stops Walden in his tracks]

Jenny:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going?

Walden:
Up to show her.

Jenny:
Oh, you thought...? Oh, no-no-no-no-no, she's mine. Next time, I'll get two.

[Jenny walks upstairs]

Walden:
What just happened?

Evelyn:
Charlie's back.

Walden:
Hey, you're welcome to crash here anytime you need a break from Evelyn and 91-and-a-half shades of grey.

Jenny:
Seriously?

Walden:
Yeah. You know, I was thinking about putting in a home gym, but big deal. I'd rather have a Jenny than a gym.

Jenny:
You and me both.

Alyssa:
[to Jenny] Mackenzie, you lying bitch!

Jenny:
[running away] Uh-oh.

Alyssa:
Congo, my ass! Don't run! You don't want to run!

[Jenny leaps over the railing, and Alyssa follows her]

Berta:
Yeah, it feels like home again!

Walden:
Why in the world do you wear boys' husky underwear?

Alan:
Okay, you know how some people trim the hedges to make the tree look bigger? Well, I say stuff the tree in a smaller yard.

Walden:
Well, when the police raid the house and find a drawer full of boys' underwear, that's not gonna be good for any of us.

Alan:
Neither is a drawer full of pot.

Walden:
That's why I wrote "Not Pot" on it.

Jenny:
Don’t worry, nothing could have happened, I’m gay.

Walden:
[relieved] Ah, that's right. You're gay. Wait, how gay? Like, 1 being "Yay, it’s college!" Or 10 being "I’m going Subaru shopping with Ellen and Rosie."

Jenny:
I'm closer to a nine. I mean, I make my own soap, but I don’t sell it at the Lilith Fair.

Jenny:
I have a motto for situations like this. What happens in Jenny, stays in Jenny.

Berta:
Are we gonna talk about the orgy we had last night?

Walden:
What...?

Jenny:
You were there?

Berta:
Hell yeah. I banged James Franco.

Walden:
Where do you see yourself in five years?

Jenny:
A little house on the beach in Hawaii with Kate Upton.

Walden:
Kate Upton’s straight.

Jenny:
Give me two weeks.

Jenny:
Well I can see where Walden gets his pretty face.

Robin:
Well aren't you sweet? He's single, you know.

Jenny:
I know, are you? [Walden hastily gets his mother out of the house and turns to Jenny]

Walden:
Really?!

Jenny:
Hey, just 'cause you came out of it, doesn't mean I don't want to get into it!

Jenny:
It's not that complicated. The first time you masturbate thinking about the school nurse, you pretty much know.

Alan and Walden:
Oh, my God, I'm a lesbian.

Walden:
'Twas the night before Christmas when all down the beach

Not a creature was stirring, not even a leech.

Alan was nestled, all snug in his bed

While visions of lesbians danced in his head.

Brooke and Jenny were sleeping, a long winter's nap

Surrounded by bottles with nary a cap.

Jenny was nervous and frightened, but took a big chance.

She let Brooke in her heart, as well as her pants.

While Berta in her vest and I in my hattie

Had just baked our brains out with a big Christmas fatty.

We started to doze, we hadn't a care.

Happy Christmas to all. My balls have no hair.

Barry:
I've got great news. Ice cream sandwiches are in the oven. They'll be ready at 5.

Walden:
Better hope I don't run into Mila Kunis.

Nicole:
Yeah, like that's gonna happen.

Walden:
[to the urn holding Charlie's ashes] Hey, Charlie. It's me, Walden. We...never met, but I'm the guy who took your place. Thanks for giving up your house. I guess you didn't really give it up, you died. You'd have to be on crack to give up all this.

Walden:
Can you believe it? We're still together, three years later.

Alan:
I know. I thought for sure it was over when Charlie died.

Walden:
Thank God I showed up.