Two and a Half Men, Season 7

[While Mia is singing incredibly badly in a recording studio, the music operator gives Charlie an incredulous look]

Charlie:
I know, its hard to believe I'm not banging her.

Operator:
Then why are we here?

Charlie:
She's an old friend and I'm helping her out.

Operator:
You really wanna help her? Sneak up behind her with a big rock.

Alan:
[Reading a self-help book] Okay, name three things you would change about me.

Charlie:
Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.

Charlie:
The way you chew your food, the hair in your ears and your address.

Alan:
That stopped being funny a week ago.

Charlie:
Judges?

Berta:
Still funny.

[Charlie and Alan are playing a Word game in which they insult each other with letters of the alphabet]

Alan:
You are a lush!

Charlie:
You are a leech!

Alan:
You are a misogynist!

Charlie:
You are a mistake!

Alan:
You are a...What are we up to?

Charlie:
N.

Alan:
Thank you. You are a...Necrophiliac!

Charlie:
She was drunk, not dead, I challenge!

Alan:
Fine. You are a narcissist.

Charlie:
Better. You are a nancy-boy.

Alan:
You are old!

Charlie:
You are odd...ly shaped.

Alan:
[Phone rings] Hang on.

Charlie:
You are a parasite.

Alan:
Not your turn. [Answers phone] Hello. Hey Judith what's up?...What do you mean what happened with Jake, we had a nice weekend. Well we went driving, to the movies, uh ice cream.

Charlie:
Quack, rectal, suckwad!

Alan:
[To Charlie] I never got my P.

Charlie:
All you do is pee.

Alan:
[To Judith] Nothing, just a little word game, exercise the brain. [To Charlie] Twit!

Charlie:
Turd burglar!

Alan:
[To Judith] Judith, I don't know what Jake's problem is. We had a terrific weekend...Huh. [To Charlie] Jake says he doesn't wanna come here anymore.

Charlie:
Really why?

Alan:
I don't know. [To Judith] Did he say why? Charlie and I don't bicker. I mean, no more than any other couple...of guys. [To Charlie] Right?

Charlie:
Right. Ooh, ooh, ooh, you are a eunuch.

Alan:
That's E, not U. Learn to spell. Useless! [to Judith] I don't know what to tell you. He's a teenager, he'll get over it...Okay, okay, buh-bye. [Hangs up] Well I hope you're happy.

Charlie:
I haven't been happy in seven years.

Alan:
For your information, I will not have been here seven years until next fall.

Charlie:
Oh, good, circle the date on the calender so I'll know when to hang myself.

Alan:
Ha ha, very funny. Because of you, Jake doesn't wanna come here anymore.

Charlie:
Great, let me know what I did so I can do it to you!

Alan:
You are such a...What are we up to?

Charlie:
V.

Alan:
Varmint! You are a varmint.

Charlie:
Yeah, well...you are a vagina!

Alan:
You're calling me a vagina?

Charlie:
No, no, that's too good for you. What you are is...vagina adjacent.

Charlie:
So what's the plan?

Jake:
I'm gonna finish writing her this song and then I'm gonna sing it to her.

Charlie:
Ok uh, is that the entire plan?

Jake:
No, I'm also gonna put on a clean shirt.

Charlie:
Oh, pulling out the big guns.

Alan:
You can't do this Judith, you cannot keep us apart, Herb and I will find a way to be together.

Mailman:
Hi.

Alan:
Hi, that must have sounded kinda strange.

Mailman:
Not at all, Herb is a very handsome man.

Charlie:
You know, you make it really difficult to love you sometimes.

Jake:
Yeah, that's what my mom says.

Jake:
I miss Celeste.

Charlie:
I miss Chelsea.

Alan:
I miss Herb... I mean Sex and the City, I miss Sex And The City.

Charlie:
Yeah Alan, that's much less gay.

Charlie:
I need something cooling and soothing. You could roast a marshmallow on my anus.

Jake:
You know what would be good for dessert? S'mores.