Two and a Half Men, Season 8

Charlie:
An orgy requires a minimum of six people.

Alan:
What?

Charlie:
It goes (counting on his fingers) masturbation, one-on-one, three-some, two couple swinging, two couple swinging with a looky-loo, (holds up six fingers) orgy's six.

Berta:
(on how she gets people to leave) Just tell 'em you missed your period and you're out of pot.

(Alan is moving out and Charlie has helped him pack. Alan finds a box labeled "Porn & Blow-Up Doll.")

Alan:
You couldn't spell "Miscellaneous"?

(Charlie has bribed Jake and Eldridge with five one-hundred dollar bills and told them to split it up any way they want.)

Eldridge:
No matter how I figure it out there's gonna be one left over!

[Jake is planning with Eldridge to make a 'Human Fart Rocket' for their show Dumbass]

Alan:
What are you doing?

Jake:
Fixing Eldridge something to eat.

Alan:
Really?

Eldridge:
Yes, I was feeling peckerish.

Alan:
You mean "peckish".

Eldridge:
Fine, if you wanna dicker. [Jake and Eldridge laugh]

[Jake has just performed "The Human Volcano" and thrown up on Alan]

Alan:
Cool stunts!?! I-in God's name, why!?!

Jake:
You've heard of Jackass?

Alan:
Yeah.

Eldridge:
We are Dumbass.

Alan:
[Sarcastically] Really? However did you come up with that name?

Eldridge:
Well we thought, what's better than Jackass?

Alan:
That was kind of a rhetorical question.

Jake:
It was between Dumbass and the Ass-kateers.

Alan:
[Sarcastically] Really? I think you made the right call.

Jake:
Think so?

Alan:
Oh, yes I respect your decision. Now get this cleaned up!

Courtney:
Hi, grandma.

Charlie:
grandma? I thought you were in The Movies.

Courtney:
I was, but I'm in. Wanna go to Vegas?

Charlie:
You in luck? I'm in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner with my family. Last time we were together you kind of ripped me off.

Courtney:
I haven't had sex in three years.

Charlie:
Hello, everybody.

Harper:
For every gorgeous woman out there, there's a guy who's tired of banging her.

Mackelroy:
Before we go any further, I'd like to take something off the table.

Harper:
What?

Mackelroy:
My ass.

[After Jake and Eldridge almost injure themselves in the shopping cart stunt]

Alan:
Do you realize how lucky you are? You could have broken your necks.

Jake:
There were precautions.

Alan:
You flew off the roof! In a shopping cart! What precautions?

Eldridge:
We were trying to land in the ocean.

Alan:
You missed it by a hundred yards!