Two and a Half Men, Season 9

Alan:
I'd like to take a moment to talk about my brother and his incredible love for life.

Lydia:
He also loved being spanked.

Michelle:
…while wearing my panties.

Miss Pasternak:
He used my panties to make tea.

Alan:
[looking at the ashes on the floor] That's my dead brother.

Walden:
Oh, I'm sorry I made you spill him.

Alan:
That's okay, that's okay. I'll Dustbust him later.

Walden:
You know what i'll get out of your way. Thank you for letting me use your phone

(Walden and Alan, in a bar, talking about Judith and Alan's divorce)

Walden:
Why did she (Judith) leave you?

Alan:
Not a clue, she's a crazy bitch.

Alan:
So, just out of curiosity, how does someone get to be worth so much money?

Walden:
Well, it's pretty simple really. You ever hear of BlunGogo.com?

Alan:
No.

Walden:
You never will, because Microsoft bought it from me for $1.3 Billion. Then they bundled it with their "iPod killer," the Zune.

Alan:
Really? I don't think it came with my Zune.

Walden:
You bought a Zune?

Alan:
I had a coupon.

Walden:
I love peepholes.

Alan:
You know what they say: "People who love peepholes are the luckiest people in the world."

Walden:
Wait a minute, Why are we calling it Jake's room?

Berta:
Herpes (Alan) has a kid.

Walden:
Herpes Junior?

(Walden and Evelyn just had sex)

Walden:
Promise you won't tell Alan?

Evelyn:
I gonna tell everybody.

Alan:
Have you told your mother about this?

Jake:
No, I was hoping you'd tell her.

Alan:
Why would I tell her?

Jake:
Because she already hates you and she scares the crap out of me.

Alan:
How could you do this?! How could you have an affair when I'm locked up in a booby hatch?!?

Berta:
I thought it was a stress clinic.

Alan:
EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT IT WAS!!! I lost my freaking mind!! But luckily, now I'm better! So I'll have the tools to cope with WHATEVER LIFE THROWS AT ME!!!

[Jake and Eldridge are high]

Eldridge:
It seems overly complicated.

Jake:
What is?

Eldridge:
Why don't they just make chips with the dip already on them?

Jake:
Dude, that's a million dollar idea.

Eldridge:
What is?

Jake:
Pre-dipped chips.

Eldridge:
Hey, that's a million dollar idea.

Jake:
What's a million dollar idea?

Eldridge:
It's an idea worth a million dollars.

Jake:
Boy, I wish I had one of those.

Alan:
…and what pray tell is that?

Walden:
That is a 46" high-definition plasma screen TV, complete with a deluxe sports satellite package.

Alan:
Nice! No movies?

Walden:
No, we could switch it to a movie package.

Alan:
Or you could add it.

Walden:
Oh, okay, we'll add it.

Alan:
And don't forget the adult channels.

Walden:
No problem.

Alan:
You have to ask for them specifically otherwise they block them.

Walden:
Right.

[...]

Lyndsey:
"You got any porn on this thing?"

Alan:
"Uh, gee, I, I don't know."

Lyndsey:
"Why don't you check? Shake things up a bit."

Alan:
"Oh, gosh, well, I, yeah, I guess I, I guess I, I-I could do that. Oh, look, there's some now. How fortuitous."

Alan:
Come on, Judith. He's your son, too. I have videotape of him shooting out of your body.