Ugly Betty, Season 1

Justin:
I don't want flan...I'll get fat!

Daniel:
Thank you; but it is Daniel, not Danny.

Wilhelmina:
[deadpan] What? I'm hellaciously upset, Marc.

Marc:
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Wilhelmina:
Shh. Purge this from memory.

Amanda:
She's so fabulously douchey.

Amanda:
They don't call him "the Tripod" because he's a photographer, if you catch my drift.

Daniel:
[seeing Betty's braces and wide smile while introducing himself to his staff] I realize I have some awful big teeth - shoes - to fill.

Betty:
How do you know what "the book" is?

Justin:
Please, I've seen The Devil Wears Prada like, seven times.

Gina:
But remember, Betty, I'm a bad seed. I did a year in Juvi!

Hilda:
Bitch! Out my house!

[Hilda and Gina engage in a catfight. Hilda pulls out Gina's weave.]

Gina:
You're payin' for this!

Hilda:
I guess we owe you $4000... and 50 cents.

Fashion TV Presenter:
Remember, we only make others feel bad to make you feel good.

Betty:
That's it! Who put the bunny in the toilet? This is not funny! Who thinks this is funny? [people raise their hands] Oh, really? Well, whoever is doing this, if you think you can break me that easily, you're wrong! You can take my bunny, but you can't take my spirit!

Marc:
Did you see her facelift? Lawsuit!

Betty:
You broke up with me.

Walter:
For, like, two days. It takes longer than that to digest corn.

Daniel:
Do we really need another editorial on eating disorders?

Very Skinny Woman:
It's a lifestyle choice!

Betty:
[to Marc] Marc, Give it to me! I can't hit your boss, but I can hit you; And everybody knows I'm from Queens, so I will do it!

[Amanda pretends to be Betty.]

Vincent Bianchi:
No kidding. C'mon, gimmie some credit. This girl's never been within ten feet of a sausage n' pepper hero in her life.

Marc:
[talking about Betty] The poor cow has no idea we only invited her so people could see she really exists. She's like a real-life Snuffleupagus, only hairier.

Walter:
You had a mango margarita? You used to get dizzy from your astringent.

Betty:
They can't fire us all!

Amanda:
Can't they? Photo department, 2003... got axed for mentioning the words "sepia tones" at a party!

Marc:
[to Justin] Be who you are. Dress how you want... Just learn how to run really fast.

[Hilda grounds Justin for skipping school.]

Hilda:
And no Fashion TV for a month!

Wilhelmina:
That is the absolute cruelest thing I've ever seen... someone's getting a raise!

Daniel:
I can sleep with a different woman every night of the week. Why not?

Betty:
The Romans had a nine-day week. You would have been a really tired centurion.

Christina:
[referring to Betty's butterfly costume] Flit!

Betty:
What?

Christina:
Flit! It's what butterflies do!

Betty:
Oh... I thought you were cursing me in Scottish!

[Daniel, having lunch with Claire, takes away her glass of wine. Claire orders Veal Marsala.]

Daniel The alcohol burns off.

Claire:
So give me back the glass and set fire to me when I'm done.

Betty [to Henry]:
It's so stupid. You know, I come into Manhattan every single day for work, and it's at times like these I feel like the E train dropped me off at Mars or something.

Wilhelmina [on the phone):
Nico, I said you can only call for emergencies. What do you want? No, you can't submit my apartment for Pimp Yo House!

Betty:
He could be deported?

Immigration Lawyer:
Very strong possibility, yes.

Betty:
But he has a family. He pays taxes. He's a Mets fan…

Hilda:
He's in Oprah's book club!

Wilhelmina:
I hate it when she's smiles. It's so... metallic.

Betty:
Are you tired of sticking you finger down your throat? Now you can lose weight the easy way! Ask me how!

Wilhelmina:
Animal rights versus fashion rights: just who is right?

Amanda:
The human piñata look may be all the rage in Queens, but in Soho they'll arrest you for crimes against humanity.

Betty [to Walter]:
You're not a rock star. You play flute in a Jethro Tull tribute band.

Sofia [to Daniel]:
You might forget which emaciated, half-naked woman to put on your cover. Oh, and your cover story, "10 Ways to Lose Thighs and Get Guys"? So empowering!

Marc:
You must've had some weekend. A gay man bought you shoes. I peeked, and maybe tried them on.

Gina:
I see I'm not the only one who's doing some last-minute Thanksgiving shopping.

Betty:
A carton of cigarettes and vodka?

Gina:
You have your tradition and I have mine.

Daniel:
Thanksgiving without family would be... Thursday.

Marc:
I have to haul my well-toned ass to Schenectady, eat cranberry sauce in the shape of a can and tell my family all about my girlfriend who lives up in Canada.

Claire:
This is the first time I've been to one of these parties sober. I used to always think there were twice as many people.

Marc:
Trust me. If she had hidden cameras in here, I'd have been fired a long time ago.

[Daniel wakes up in Betty's bed.]

Daniel:
And... where did you sleep?

Betty:
In your arms!

Daniel:
What?

Betty:
Just kidding! On the couch, downstairs.

Daniel:
Ah... good. I mean... uh... thanks.

Wilhelmina:
Poor people are so cheap.

Wilhemina [to a taxi driver]:
What'd you drive in the old country - a goat?

Taxi Driver:
I do not have to drive nasty person.

Wilhelmina:
Fine, leave him [Marc] here.

Taxi Driver:
No, YOU. OUT!

Wilhelmina Do you have any money?

Marc:
I only have $17 in my account. We could go to the bank, but it would just be a social call.

Betty And for your information, that cover you shot with Courtney Love coming out of rehab in a wheelbarrow full of pills was our lowest-selling issue in 17 years!

[Betty will be leaving Mode.]

Marc:
Would it be okay to have a goodbye party and not invite her?

Henry:
[to Betty] Guess I'll be on top of you the next couple of days... party-wise.

Christina:
[telling Santa what she wants for Christmas] A heart for Wilhelmina, courage for Marc and a brain for Amanda.

Justin:
You did run over her tree. And Christmas is a time of love and forgiveness.

Hilda:
Grow up, Tiny Tim.

Daniel:
[leaving a voicemail for Sofia] I have something to tell you... you do take my breath away. You make my heart beat faster. You make my palms sweat... but that doesn't mean I don't love you: it means I do. Sometimes your heart knows things your mind can't explain, and my heart doesn't race for anyone else. I love you, Sofia... This is Daniel, by the way.

Daniel:
Apparently my credit rating is lower than that of most convicted felons.

[Walter, caught stalking Betty at the drugstore, takes something from a shelf.]

Walter:
What? I'm shopping.

Betty:
Walter, you do not have a feminine itch!

Wilhemina:
[about Daniel] For his 28th birthday, he tried to buy an island. And Jennifer Lopez.

Amanda:
[looking at Betty's handbag]: Does it come with a mule?

Marc [looking at Betty with a Gucci handbag]:
"Eww... it's touching polyester!

Wilhemina:
Ted took me to a mall. I shopped next to fat people!

Betty:
Hunter, do you have a girlfriend?

Hunter I have girlfriends, boyfriends, all sorts of things!

Betty:
Um, so you mean you're bisexual?

Hunter:
That's right, babe. If you buy, I'm sexual.

Constance:
My name is Constance, not "lady."

Ignacio:
I was giving you the benefit of the doubt.

Betty It's great to work with people who actually eat.

Christina [about a patron at a strip club]:
That woman is about to marry some fat, bald, pasty-looking dentist. This is her last supper. She is cashing out!

Marc:
By the way, when we move into Daniels office I'm not sitting on Betty's old chair... 'cause this bum don't slum.

Wilhelmina:
Um, that's not what I've heard.

Betty:
Where's my desk, Amanda? Did you put it back in the men's room again?

Fashion TV reporter:
"And speaking of disasters... it's time for our daily dose of Daniel. There's been no sign of the recently dumped boytoy, but rumor has it that he's in Brazil licking his wounds... and anything else that walks by.

Marc [about Betty]:
Lets hit her with a stick and watch how much candy falls out.

Wilhelmina:
It looks like that skiing accident has done you a world of good... Alex Meade.

Alexis Meade:
Alexis, darling. It's Alexis now.

Becks:
There weren't any hotties in Africa. I mean, they're thin - but it's sick thin, not hot thin.

Fabia I love your assistant. I have the same one in beige.

Amanda [to Marc]:
You booking a cruise? You can't afford to book a cruise to the bathroom on the 17th floor.

Daniel Betty's a great girl.

Becks:
Maybe after a half dozen shots.

Wilhlemina:
Marc! I need your eyes! You must be my seeing-eye gay!

Henry:
When the paparazzi are stalking accountants, you know it's bad.

Betty:
I know. They were following me, too. And one of them thought my glasses and nose were a disguise.

Claire:
It's ridiculous. One DUI, you OD a couple of times, show up naked at a garden party, and suddenly everyone treats you like a child.

Betty:
Daniel just wanted to make sure you wouldn't hurt yourself.

Claire:
[takes a perfume bottle from Betty] If I wanted to drink this, what could you do to stop me? [Betty knocks the bottle from Claire's hand] Not bad.

Evelyn [watching a telenovela]:
So you see that stripper? She used to be a nun, and she's pregnant with the butcher's baby, but she doesn't know that the butcher is her second cousin.

Wilhelmina:
A story as old as time.

Betty:
Daniel, The Times called wanting a quote, Dr. Phil called offering his services, and E! called wanting to do a reality show about your family.

Justin [to Hilda]:
I'm not crazy about the animal prints and you're a little over-accessorized, but you have your own style. It's cool.

Grace:
Julie now has a husband, two kids and a dog.

Daniel:
Oh, that's nice.

Grace:
In her mind. She's in a mental institution.

Alexis:
It's complicated coming back from the dead.

Wilhelmina:
Oh, please. Donna Karan does it every three years.

Grace:
Maybe I should stand out in the snow for three hours and cry icicle tears.

Daniel:
Worked on that one for a while?

Grace:
Twelve years.

Joel:
Have we met?

Wilhelmna:
We're not even meeting now.

Marc:
You do not say no to Sarah Jessica Parker! She's the Holy Grail of Fashion!

Christina:
I know!

Marc:
And this is your big chance! And my big chance: to meet her husband, Ferris Bueller Parker.

Claire:
Oh, my. What a cute little house. I can put it right in my pocket.

Constance:
So you're the one.

Claire:
I beg your pardon?

Constance:
You're the ho that's been stealing my man.

Claire:
It's unlikely that we will have the same man in common. We certainly don't have the same hairdresser.

Daniel [to Grace] A woman who likes sex three times a night and doesn't like to cuddle? Where have you been all my life?

Wilhelmina:
A Hermes scarf. How pretty. I'm sure my cleaning lady will love it.

Gabe:
I should probably know better than to date my patients anyway. Especially the cute ones.

Ignacio:
I'm starting not to remember the feel of rain, the smell of freshly mowed grass.

Hilda:
Papi, we live in Jackson Heights. The grass smells like fried onions.

Marc This is our new office? It has fluorescent lighting! I will not be looked at under this merciless glare!

Marc:
We shall overcome, girlfriend.

Wilhelmina:
You did not just say that.

Marc:
[to Wilhelmina] You are evil. I'm SO going as you for Halloween.

Claire [to Wilhelmina]:
I'm not fooled by your collagen smile and your plastic ass.

Amanda Nick left. He said something about cheerleading finals and cocaine.

Quincy Combs:
Just admiring the inner sanctum of the feckless prince. As the empire dissolves even the cushions on the bone white chaise sags with defeat. Oh my, you are feisty!

Betty:
And I bite, too!

Quincy Combs:
Do not underestimate me. You may be the beast that guards the gates, but I've taken down kings, presidents, the electric car. Daniel Meade does not stand a chance against me!

Wilhelmina:
[about her hemline] Higher... I said higher!

Christina:
Any higher and I'll be giving you a pelvic exam!

Marc:
Ow! Well, fill my bucket with nothing but thighs!

Wilhelmina:
Relax, Colonel. We all know you prefer nuggets.

Constance:
Honey, you must think you the only chip in the bag!

Alexis:
Let's put it this way. If my father were drowning, I would pull up a lawn chair and watch.

Hilda:
A job isn't about friends. It's about making money... and stealing office supplies. By the way, we're out of coffee filters.

Justin:
That's great. We need a party. We'll have a theme: crossing the border. We'll have a big fence in the door and make everyone climb over it.

Rodrigo [Alexis]:
You're international, like the House of Pancakes.

Alexis:
He asked me to dinner.

Wilhelmina:
And you said?

Alexis:
No.

Wilhelmina:
Alexis, why?

Alexis:
Because it's dinner and that means sex. I know that. I used to be a guy.

Wilhelmina:
And what's wrong with sex?

Alexis:
Well I haven't... it's... I haven't exactly... ever since I... I haven't...

Wilhelmina:
Taken the new car out for a test drive?

Alexis:
That's one way to put it.

Wilhelmina:
Alexis, what are you waiting for? Sooner or later someone is going to have to put the key in the ignition.

Henry:
I can't believe Alexis is doing this to Daniel. They're family. Even Erica Kane forgave her daughter Kendall when she slept with her fourth husband... All My Children. It's just something I know.

Betty:
When I was a little girl, I hated getting my allergy shot. So I used to grab onto this tree outside my house and wrap my legs around it so tight no one could pull me off. These are thighs of steel!

Claire:
Please, this is cake. How many rehabs have I been through? At least here you can score a decent glass of toilet wine.

Wilhelmina [to Marc]:
Who do you think denied you a raise for the past two years? Cut your vacation time? Who do you think hacked into your computer and canceled your subscription to DudeCruise?

Amanda:
Sure, today I'm the eye candy, but tomorrow I'll be old candy. Old, hard, wrinkly candy, covered in lint.

Marc:
Are you having a stroke?

Amanda:
Maybe. I'm old enough!

Amanda:
Oh it's about to get nerd-nasty.

Betty:
We get to meet all of our family members and practice our Spanish. Hola comi a tu sobrina.

Ignacio:
You just said "I ate your niece."

Wilhelmina:
She swam the English Channel in a leather bikini. We already have the title: The Daredevil Wears Prada.

Justin:
Doesn't anyone care that I am understudying the lead in West Side Story? God forbid Joey Colano takes ill and I don't know my finger snaps for the rumble.

Wilhelmina:
Your boyfriend fakes his death and comes back as a very big girl. There really isn't a card for that.

Amanda:
Yesterday you told me my head was too big for my neck.

Marc:
That was constructive criticism.

Amanda:
Well, what am I supposed to do about it?

Marc:
I don't know. As a friend, my job is only to point things out.

[Betty brings Daniel a rock from Mexico.]

Betty:
It's supposed to be mystical. The old man who sold it to me said it would help you on your journey to enlightenment. Or with cramps. My Spanish really sucks.

Wilhelmina:
Fabia? That little Euro-Wench is getting married?

Marc:
And she got Elton John to sing for the wedding. He's re-written "Candle In the Wind" just for her.

Wilhelmina:
What? He was re-writing "Candle in the Wind" for me!

Marc:
Ugh. Give that queen twenty-bucks and she'll re-write it for anybody.

Wilhelmina:
Get Fabia over here. Wedding Summit '07 is on!

Fabia:
You must come to the ceremony. I won't be able to get married without my "something old."

Wilhelmina:
Oh, with the veins in your legs, you already have your "something blue."

Diane:
Oh, my God! That is so romantic. It's like Julia Roberts flossing before whoring herself in "Pretty Woman."

Christina:
Back in Scotland I have a husband.

Amanda:
Ooh, you just got 10% more interesting.

Christina:
He's an insurance auditor.

Amanda:
Okay, 5%.