United States of Tara, Season 3

Marshall:
[Looking at the camcorder's viewfinder that shows a zoom-in on Neil's exposed ass-crack above his trousers' waistline] That's not an ass-crack, it's a full-blown *ass-chasm*.

Max:
Please tell me you're looking at porn.

Tara:
Well, if porn is a disastrous baby shower, then... yeah. Big-Tim.

Tara:
Flighty 19-year-old in Japan. We are either terrible parents or... visionary parents. I don't know.

Max:
Mm, little of both.

Charmaine:
I'd rather have Tara.

Alice:
No offense, I'm sure. And non taken. Tara is the sister, I know... Even though she's not acting like one at the moment.

Charmaine:
Well, Kate leaving probably has something to do with it, too.

Alice:
Oh, you raise them as best you can, and then they toss you aside, like last season's handbag. Poor Tara. Her heart is in pieces.

Charmaine:
Well, it's probably good she took a few hours off, then.

Alice:
Mm. That's what we think.

Charmaine:
"We"?

Alice:
All of us on the inside. We have an arrangement. It's like that new film with Jack Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine. We each take the key when we need the apartment. I get the body when the mother needs help.

Dr. Hattarras:
[handing over a stack of papers] ... in the mean time give her this.

Max:
[taking the papers] What's this?

Dr. Hattarras:
Her *Declaration of Co-Dependence*

Tara:
[as Alice:Noticing the freeze frame of her son's dead body in the short film on the TV] Oh My goodness. What's that on the TV?

Noah:
Doesn't have a title yet. Right now we're calling it *Human Remains of the Day*

Bunny:
Passengers are vermin. If someone has a pulse and a lump of coal in place of a soul, they will be on your flight. We need to prepare.

Charmaine:
Well, last I checked, your partner didn't take a job out of state and leave you home with a wailing infant.

Kate':
Where is that infant?

Charmaine:
oh, shit. (Storms out)

Tara:
Oh, how's your film going?

Marshall:
In my head, it's unique, nuanced, but when it comes out, it's like... A frog doing somersaults on a field, and you can't see the frog 'cause he's too green and you can't hear him cause the grass is too soft.

Max:
Dudes! I got a lot to be cheerful about. I got a red-hot sexy mama in my kitchen making me a chow-down, a couple of clicks away from my 30th birthday party. Huh? My job uses negative 5% of my brain. And I recently rediscovered Chastity Stargazer.

Charmaine:
Who?

Max:
My vintage Fender Stratocaster electric guitar.

Charmaine:
"Breath of my soul"?

Max:
Yeah, it's like "Peter Gabriel meets Sting."

Charmaine:
Must they meet?

Tara:
How goes it in there?

Max:
Like exhuming a corpse. Amps are buzzing, my song's terrible, Ted won't quit messing around. (Ted is heard screaming in the other room) I just put myself on suicide watch.