Veep, Season 7

Selina:
Leon, I'm still not sure about this part, where I say, "I want to be president for all Americans". I mean, do I? All of them?

Leon:
What about, "real Americans"?

Selina:
Oh, yeah, that's good. And we can figure out what I mean later.

Teddy:
Are you kidding me, you 80-story skyraper!

Selina:
Two wheelchair guys behind him? Like we didn't get the point with the first one?

Gary:
I got it.

Selina:
One wheelchair guy, shame on you. Two wheelchair guys, shame on me.

Marjorie:
I'm sorry about Catherine, ma'am. She's suffering from post-partum depression.

Selina:
How can you tell?

Gary:
Well, the haircut...

Selina:
God, I thought my 50s would be about fuckin’ and suckin’ my way through the Shorenstein Center.

Ben:
You and me both, ma'am.

Selina:
You know what I would love to tell people, but I obviously can't?

Gary:
Well, say it here.

Selina:
I should be president because it is my goddamn turn! I was the game-changer. I took a dump on the glass ceiling, and I shaved my muff in the sink of the old boys' club! But for three years, Hughes kept me chained to a radiator in some basement in Cleveland, so as far as I'm concerned, America owes me an eight-year stay in the White House. And this time, I want a war!

Dan:
Listen, I don't know if I'm ready to be a daddy to anyone who's not a sexy boho jewelry maker struggling to pay off her college loans, y'know?

Amy:
I appreciate the soul-searching.

Dan:
But if you wanna go dutch on the abortion or something, just hit me up on Venmo. Oh, and make it public - shows I'm a gentleman.

Dan:
Ma'am, I ran a little intel, and apparently the secret to Felix Wade is to repeat the last two sentences that he says.

Selina:
C'mon, that is idiotic! Is he really that insecure?

Gary:
C'mon, that is idiotic! Is he really that insecure?

Selina:
Right? Gary gets it.

Teddy:
Apparently, there has been an anonymous posting about a "dead-eyed, lantern-jawed, one-and-done congresstard" who acted in a sexually inappropriate manner.

Jonah:
OK, well, that could be anybody.

Richard:
Sounds like you.

Teddy:
Jonah, who have you traumatised? And start with the doctor who delivered you.

Jonah:
I haven't traumatised anyone!

Richard:
Well, there's your aide, Emma Gray.

Jonah:
Shnozz? She's stuck up - I was just calling her on it.

Richard:
Councilwomen Troy and Desconi.

Jonah:
Monster Tits and Monster Tits Junior? But all I did there was express some genuine concern that they have bras big enough to handle all that meat.

Richard:
At the Congressional Prayer Breakfast.

Jonah:
Yeah. It was exactly what Jesus would have done. He's a man, too, Teddy.

Teddy:
OK, listen Jonah, if anyone asks, just tell them you've been chemically castrated. It's very easy to lie about, and believe me, nobody checks.

Kent:
In current gay parlance, Dan presents somewhere between a wolf and an otter, what some would call a frost otter.

Ben:
Tom and Kemi would make a formidable ticket.

Kent:
It would reassure people who look like him that the country wouldn’t be ruined by people who look like her.

Ben:
Ma’am, you’re gonna be drowning in money so dark it could get shot entering its own apartment.

Kent:
Ma'am, we're scrapping tomorrow's schedule. You're making an appearance at the Iowa State Fair.

Ben:
Block and tackle retail politics. Eat a few corn dogs...

Selina:
Last thing I need is my picture being taken eating dick-shaped food. I'd rather eat a food-shaped dick.

Teddy:
Jonah, we focused tested the ad, and most people are uncomfortable watching a white man kick a black woman in the vagina.

Jonah:
Hey, I don't see vagina color.

Abortion protester:
Think of the innocent children!

Amy:
Oh, you want me to think about the children, you hog-fingering fucks? Well, guess what? I did think about this. I considered it, and I cried, and, yeah, suck my cock, I even prayed a little. And here I am. So you can back the fuck off, you hypocritical cunts, before I show up to the piss puddle that is your house and protest your husband whacking it to your daughter's seventh grade yearbook! That sign's misspelled.

Catherine:
This is a pretty good turnout for a dog funeral. Even the governor's here. Who are all these people?

Richard:
Novelty mayors are Iowa's number one form of tourism, after tornado chasing and coming into town to buy Sudafed.

Selina:
God bless America for hating women almost as much as I do!

Kent:
"Man Up" continues to resonate in all four quadrants.

Selina:
It's universal: Men hate women, women hate themselves.

Dan:
Ma'am, the new anti-Kemi ad pieces came in. [hands her the ad]

Selina:
What the tragic mulatto fuck! Kemi looks like an albino, and I'm so black people are gonna start calling me "articulate".

Marjorie:
[about Richard] I've never been more proud that I taught that man to ejaculate into a cup.

Selina:
So, how's the turnout?

Ben:
Well, much like my prostate, mostly black and much larger than we'd like.

Ben:
Ma'am, I warned you, you cannot trust the Chinese. I've married enough of them to know that.

Selina:
Isn't your wife Korean?

Ben:
Maybe. Fog of war.

Selina:
Okay Gary, you need to spend every dime in the space-based...

Kent:
Faith-based.

Selina:
Mmm-hmm. On religious shit, ASAP.

Gary:
I don't know how to do that. I don't even know how it got in there.

Selina:
Just give it to one of those gay-converting Baptist colleges to fund a statue of a gold-plated Jesus fucking a Triceratops.

Amy:
Your particular brand of crazy is polling very high here in Florida, especially with melanoma-ravaged swamp fuckers, storm-ravaged climate deniers, and deadbeat dads... and deadbeat moms.

Jonah:
Those are my peeps.

Furlong:
Well, we gotta go. Will's got a full day ahead of him. Tell 'em what you gotta do, Will.

Will:
Well, I was hoping to finally finish my passion project.

Furlong:
Which is?

Will:
Rerouting my urethra to behind my balls so that I have to sit to pee, like a real girl.

Furlong:
Ha!

Kent:
It's basically a two-woman race to see who is less offensive to the American people.

Selina:
That's the best explanation of democracy I've ever heard.

Selina:
My Nobel Prize really makes the point that I've got way more foreign policy experience than that half-wit Kemi.

Ben:
I think it's pronounced half-white.

Selina:
Eh, tomato, mulatto.

Amy:
Jonah, your anti-vaccination message is bringing together an unheard of mix of Orthodox Jews, uneducated conspiracists and Kombucha-douching private school moms.

Jonah:
That's the real America.

Dan:
We gotta get the morbidly obese fuck out of Iowa. I mean, last night, I tried to find one non-chain restaurant to eat at, and Yelp basically told me to go Fuddrucker myself.

Kent:
Ma'am, the White House refuses to get involved in your situation.

Selina:
What?

Kent:
Although, publicly, Montez has claimed to be considering all options.

Ben:
Privately, I hear she's been doing impressions of you getting broomsticked in prison.

Amy:
Oh, my God, you Patient I.Q. Zero, you infected all those nutballs who don't believe in vaccination!

Jonah:
Well, it serves them right.

Amy:
Didn't you have chicken pox as a child? Or were you too busy bed-wetting and cutting fuckholes in watermelons?

Jonah:
Amy, that only works with fleshy melons.

Beth:
Duh!

Jonah:
And sometimes pumpkins.

Amy:
How long have you been taking these?

Beth:
Ever since Jonah whacked me on the nose at the rally, but the pain went away in two days. They gave me 97 pills, though, so now I just take them for the going away of my feelings.

Amy:
So, you're not pregnant?

Beth:
Oh, no. Jonah and I don't want any more kids until I can get my cake-pop business off the ground. Oh, and until we can do genetic testing to make sure they're not born dead.

Ben:
There are two things Americans don't like to see get hurt: animals, and white girls on spring break.

Kemi:
So, what did I miss? Did President Meyer find a way to steal the nomination from me like she stole South Carolina?

Selina:
Stealing South Carolina is the bedrock of our political system, Senator.

Kemi:
Oh, well, there it is - the casual Meyer attitude toward criminal enterprise, just like her husband.

Gary:
Ex-husband.

Jonah:
Step-husband.

Selina:
You know, if you can't figure out how to steal South Carolina, you have no business being president.

Furlong:
Alright, right now every Sunday pundit and poli sci major is treating this brokered convention like it's a big-titted college gymnast whose daddy fucked with her just enough that she'll do some dirty shit, but she can still come.

Selina:
Hitting a little close to home there, Roger, minus the "big-titted" part.

Gary:
We've never had a complaint, have we?

Furlong:
But if we doesn't pillow-smother this sad grandma of a convention lickety-fuckin'-split, we are gonna wind up with four more years of Montez clogging up the White House plumbing with tampons!

Gary:
That's not a problem for us.

Selina:
Gary, it's fine.

Furlong:
Tomorrow's the second ballot, okay? None of these delegates are bound to any candidate anymore. So it's time to get out there and start twisting some arms and pinching nipples. And, what else, Will?

Will:
And may the best man win. And may the hairiest man ziptie me to a slaughterhouse drainage grate and make tender hate to my rear and mouth, in that order, at his leisure.

Furlong:
Ha!

Jonah:
Look, I love America, but it is time to face facts. This is a horrific country that is falling apart because it is full of people who are different than me! I was right, and that means I should be president!

Amy:
We've just been denounced by the ACLU. We are going to win this thing!

Selina:
Wipe that grin-eating dick off your face!

Selina:
I wanna offer Jonah the VP slot.

Kent and Amy:
What?

Selina:
Yeah, it's the only move we have left now, and we're gonna have to get it done today.

Kent:
Ma'am, there are still numerous permutations that can play out here. You don't have to do this.

Selina:
Do the goddamn Islamic math. You're the numbers guy.

Kent:
Fuck the numbers! I will not be part of a campaign, let alone an administration, that includes Jonah Ryan as vice president! That is an entirely unacceptable outcome!

Selina:
Amy, will you talk some sense into him, please?

Amy:
Don't do it.

Selina:
What?

Amy:
Don't make Jonah your VP.

Selina:
You know what I just remembered? You are a terrible campaign manager.

Amy:
Ma'am, you can't let an embittered, vindictive, narcissistic man-child be one heartbeat away from the presidency, let alone be the president!

Selina:
Amy, there's no safer place to stick Jonah Ryan in all of Washington, D.C. Being Vice President is like being declawed, defanged, neutered, ball-gagged, and sealed in an abandoned coal mine under two miles of human shit! It is a fate worse than death! Besides, I'm not gonna die, 'cause I've got the heart and the twat of a high school cheerleader who's only done anal!

[The last lines of the series]

Mike:
We will have more coverage of the funeral of President Selina Meyer. But first, as someone who served with President Meyer for over two decades, I feel I'd be remiss if I did not offer my own heartfelt eulogy to a president who many feel was very underrated and deserved m... [checks earpiece] I'm sorry. Breaking news. I've just been told that four-time Academy Award-winning actor Tom Hanks has died at the age of 88. The star of such Hollywood films as Big, Forrest Gump, Philadelphia, and Philadelphia 2 passed away in his Bel Air home after a long illness, surrounded by his loving family. Husband of actress Rita Wilson and father of four children, Hanks was often considered the finest actor of his generation, an American everyman who could leap effortlessly between comedy and drama, and moved audiences both young and old. Today the world mourns the loss of this towering and beloved figure. Let's take a look at the storied career of Tom Hanks, American icon.