Victorious, Season 4

Cat:
One time my brother found a vacuum cleaner in our church basement. He took it home and now he keeps it in his room.

Tori:
Well, you should call the church and tell them he has it.

Cat:
Ohhhhhh...they wouldn't want it back.

Jade:
What is this, a meeting?

Cat:
That's what my brother calls it when he and his friends hang out together and eat meat.

Tori:
What?

Cat:
A meating! Get it? (giggles) He's a disaster.

Andre:
Those beams. Those laser beams! It's like a cage! A cage! Aaaah, I can't take it!!! Aaah, can't take it, aaah, can't take it! Can't take it!!!

Jade:
(deadpan, to Andre) Hey, just checkin'. Can you take it?

Andre:
No! Man, how long have we been sittin' here like this?

Beck:
Twelve minutes.

Andre:
I can't handle being trapped like this. We're like animals!

Cat:
Oooh, can I be a hippapotamoose?

Beck:
What?

Cat:
It's French. For hippopotamus.

Trina:
I gotta wazz.

Jade:
So wazz!

Trina:
Wazz where?

Jade:
Just grab a bin.

Trina:
Oh, ho, ho, Trina Vega does not wazz in bins.

Tori:
At that movie you wazzed in a popcorn bucket.

Trina:
A bucket is not a bin.

Tori's Slap Status:
Andre is driving us ALL to Wanko's! Cat is sitting by me. She smells GOOD :)

Cat:
(gasps) Hey!

Jade:
What?

Cat:
I haven't said anything for a while.

(Cat tries to lick the laser beams)

Andre:
Cat, no!

Tori:
What are you doing?

Cat:
I wanted to lick the laser beam with my tongue.

Tori:
Why?

Cat:
(sighs) Well...

Tori:
You wanna know what flavor it is, don't you?

(Cat nods)

Tori's Slap Status:
Trapped in Wanko's! WDFD!

Robbie:
(Hides under bin with Tori) I like where this is going.

Jade:
(Annoyed) Somebody just get me a sandwich!

Cat:
Kay kay! (runs through the laser-beams and the alarm goes off)

(Everyone goes out to the alley)

Crowd:
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Andre:
Yo, yo, yo! Hold up! You boys want to fight Robbie, you gotta fight me, too.

Robbie:
Uh, would it be ok if they fought just you, cause -

Merle:
Hey, idiots!

Robbie:
Yes?

Andre:
S'up?

Merle:
My boy here don't wanna fight Shapiro.

Andre:
Then how come we're not all back in there eating sushi?

Merle:
Cause we're about to have ourselves a Hamboneoff!

Andre:
C'mon, Rob, let's go back inside.

Robbie:
No.

Cat:
Robbie, come on.

Jade:
Yeah, we'll get you some ice for your, uh...injuries.

Robbie:
No! Just leave me here on the dirty ground where I belong.

Jade:
(shrugs) K. (walks off)

Cat:
This Hambone battle is really scary.

Jade:
We're about to watch two nerds compete by slapping themselves, I think we'll be okay.

Robbie:
Oh, my gosh!

Andre:
What about your gosh?

Cat:
You didn't sound anything like me!

Jade:
Tori believed it was you.

Cat:
You didn't get my laugh right.

Jade:
Yeah, I did. You go (imitates Cat's laugh) hahahahaha!

Cat:
I don't laugh like that.

Jade:
(pause) Puppies wearing sunglasses.

Cat:
(laughs, then realizes she sounds just like Jade's imitation) Dang it.

Andre:
I'm so hungry.

Robbie:
I have to tinkle.

Andre:
How long have we been here like this?

Robbie:
About nine hours.

Andre:
Man, I can't believe we did this to ourselves. Just to get a stupid Pear Pad 3.

Robbie:
Well, it does have a slightly better screen.

Andre:
Robbie?

Robbie:
Yeah?

Andre:
If you say that one more time, I'm gonna grab your head and pull it right off your body.

Jade:
(on the phone to Tori, as Cat) Hi, Tori! Um, my brother locked me in the closet and I'm really bored and I just wanted to know what you guys were doing. (laughs)

Cat:
(to herself) That's so disrespectful.

(Jade and Cat are driving looking for Tori and Beck)

Jade:
Well?

Cat:
Thank you for the ice cream cone.

Jade:
I bought you the ice cream so you'd tell me where Tori and Beck are.

Cat:
I don't know where they are!

(Jade opens Cat's window and throws her ice cream out)

Cat:
I feel like you did that on purpose.

Jade:
God, I hate being stuck in traffic! We're gonna be late, and we're gonna miss Beck and Tori. (blows horn)

Cat:
HONK!!! (giggles) I honked. Just like your car. Oh, let's think about all the different kinds of honks there are. I like the one that's like "meep-meep." You know, like the bird does it in the cartoons.

Jade:
The Roadrunner?

Cat:
No, I don't like him. He's so mean to that dog.

Jade:
That "dog" is a coyote.

Cat:
Oh, my god! Was that racist?

Jade:
How do you know so much about animal hospitals?

Cat:
My brother has a turtle with "special problems."

(Jade and Cat walk into the vet office where Tori and Beck are sitting)

Cat:
Wow, Tori and Beck are here! Who'da thunk that they'd be...I mean what a coincide- ah, who am I kidding?

Tori:
You have no right to be mad at us because Beck and I are-

Jade:
I'm not.

Tori:
You're what?

Jade:
I'm not mad.

Cat:
Careful, it's a trick!

Jade:
It's not a trick. I...I thought I was mad, but now that I'm here, what do I have to be mad about? We broke up, we're all friends, (gestures to Tori) kind of. I mean, any of us should be able to hang out with whoever we want.

Cat:
Still thinkin' it's a trick.

Robbie:
You realize we'll probably die up here? Hungry...thirsty...alone on our backs...dressed like fruits. But, at least I'm gonna die with my good friend. (takes Andre's hand) You.

Andre:
We're not gonna die like this, Rob.

Robbie:
We're not?

Andre:
Nope. We're gonna live. We have to live.

Robbie:
Why?

Andre:
So we can get out of here. And I can hurt you. (Robbie pulls his hand away) With my own bare hands. (Robbie pulls his head and hands in his costume) Or maybe a baseball bat. Yeah, a bat. I like that.

Cat:
Don't you just love how dogs hang their heads out the window and lick the wind? Watch. (She hangs her head out the window, pants and barks)

Jade:
Pull your head back in the car before I roll up the window and cut it off!

Cat:
(pulls her head back in, frightened) My head's back in the car.

Jade:
Now call Tori and find out where Beck's taking her.

Cat:
(to herself) Bossy.

Jade:
What?

Cat:
Calling Tori!

Cat:
Hi!

Tori:
Oh, hi, Cat.

Cat:
Hi! (pause) Oh, wait, I already said that.

Tori:
It's ok.

Cat:
So, you guys are all gonna go see the big bone tomorrow night?

Tori:
No, Andre and Robbie decided they're gonna make a video to try to win the new Pear Pad 3.

Cat:
Oh, I hear it has a new screen. Slightly better.

Tori:
It's very exciting.

Cat:
So you don't have any plans tomorrow night?

Tori:
No, I do. Beck and I are gonna...

Cat:
Oooooh...

Tori:
Stop, it's not like a date.

Cat:
Oh, right. (winks)

Tori:
Stop doing that with your eye! We're just hanging out. You know, friends.

Cat:
Oh, so I can tell people you're going out with Beck?

Tori:
We're not going out.

Cat:
So you're staying in with him?

Tori:
No!

Cat:
I see you, girl.

Tori:
Just don't tell anyone!

Cat:
Ok. I'll keep your dirty secret. (winks repeatedly)

Cat:
Hi, Jade!

Jade:
Hey.

Cat:
You wanna do something fun with me tomorrow night?

Jade:
Sure, what?

Cat:
I don't know. I figured you'd pick cause you're bossy.

Jade:
Don't say I'm bossy!

Cat:
Ok! (pause) But you are. (Jade glares) A little bit.

Jade:
Whatever. Yeah, let's hang out tomorrow night.

Cat:
Ok. But we can't ask Tori to go with us because-(realizes)

Jade:
What's Tori doing tomorrow night?

Cat:
Nothing! I don't know. (pause) She told me not to tell you.

Jade:
Five!

Cat:
Oh, god.

Jade:
Four!

Cat:
Don't count!

Jade:
Three!

Cat:
Oh, I love three!

Jade:
Two!

Cat:
Have you heard about the new Pear Pads with the slightly better screen?

Jade:
ONE!

Cat:
Ok, ok! (pause) Tori and Beck are going out together.

Jade:
What?

Cat:
But it's not a date, they're just hanging out as friends!

Jade:
Ok. Well, I know what you and I are doing tomorrow night.

Cat:
Going to see the big bone?

Jade:
No. We're gonna find out where Beck and Tori are going and see whether they're just friends.

Cat:
I thought you said I could pick what we do.

Jade:
No, I'm picking. (walks away)

Cat:
(to herself) Bossy.

Jade:
What?

Cat:
Nothing.

Jade:
Is that a new shirt?

Tori:
(looking pleased) Yeah

Jade:
Yikes!

Jade:
Where is he?

Cat:
(angrily) Hi!

Tori:
What are you guys yelling-I don't remember saying "come in".

Jade:
I don't remember saying you could hog Moose.

Tori:
What are you talking about?

Jade:
(imitating Tori) Oh, Moose, my goodness, I certainly do enjoy a good game of hockey.

Cat:
(imitating Tori) Oh, please take me to the hockey game, Moose. I'm ever so desparate!

Tori:
I don't talk like that!

Jade:
Whatever. You have been hogging Moose and you know it.

Cat:
Moose hogger.

Tori:
How can I hog a guy if he's not even here?!

Jade:
Then where is he?

Tori:
He said he wanted to hang out with Beck.

Cat:
Hmmm.

Jade:
I bet they're at Karaoke Dokie right now.

Cat:
Cause that's where the hamburgers are.

Jade:
Later.

Cat:
Gator.

Cat:
When my brother was little, he used to have a Tinkle Aid stand. (giggles) It was so cute, he'd stand around all day yelling "Tinkle Aid, twenty five cents a cup!"

Tori:
I hope you meant he had a lemonade stand.

Cat:
(giggles) No...

(Jade is driving with Moose)

Moose:
Uh, it's getting kinda late. Are you sure this is the way to Karaoke Dokie?

Jade:
(pulls car over) Uh, oh. Car's out of gas.

Moose:
Gauge says you have a full tank.

Jade:
(pulls Moose towards her and kisses him) Try not to talk.

Moose:
Later can we get a hamburger?

Jade:
We'll see. (kisses Moose again)

Robbie:
Just to be clear, I am on the boys side?

Sikowitz:
Yes.

Robbie:
Sweet!

Cat:
(yelling as she attempts to get her phone while her friends try to stop her) I NEED MY PHONE! I NEED MY PHONE!! AAAHHHHH!!!!!

(Tori is sitting on Cat)

Cat:
Please, get off me, please!

Tori:
I CAN'T! Not till Jade gets here!

Cat:
But I have to use the bathroom.

Tori:
Do you really?

Cat:
Yeah.

Tori:
Are you lying?

Cat:
Yeah.

Boys:
(upon winning the bet) BOY POWER! BOY POWER! BOY POWER! BOY POWER!

(at lunch)

Andre:
I don't even miss our phones. You, guys?

Robbie:
No.

Tori:
Uh huh.

Beck:
No.

Tori:
How long it has been since we had them?

Jade:
Few hours.

Cat:
It seems like years!

Robbie:
No, it's not that bad.

Cat:
Years!

Cat:
(holding a chew toy that looks like a phone) Look what I got!

Tori:
What is that?

Cat:
It's a dog toy that looks like a phone. Is it cool? (pause) I'm coming in now. (Cat enters) Hi, Mrs. Tori's mom!

Holly:
Hello, Cat.

Tori:
Uh.. why did you get a dog chew toy cellphone?

Cat:
To help me get through the week. I mean, I know it's not like having a real phone but at least I can pretend.

Tori:
But, what's the point?

Cat:
This is all I've got!

Tori:
But it's not even... uh, can I hold it? (grabs the toy)

Holly:
Oh, You girls are pathetic. When I was your age, we didn't even have cellphones!

Tori:
Yeah but you have stuff that we don't have.

Cat:
Yeah, like dinosaurs and Moses.

(when the boys win the bet, Tori, Cat and Jade get their phones after defeat. The phones suddenly rang)

Tori:
Whoa! I got 43 text messages!

Jade:
I have 200 more followers.

Cat:
(watches the Wacky Donkey video everybody is taking about in her phone while laughing) Look at the Wacky Donkey! (Jade and Tori take a peek and laugh too. The laughing ends when Cat throws up at the phone box)

Jade:
OHHH!!!!

Tori:
OH!

(Beck enters with a scratched scar on his face and pieces of egg in his shirt. Everyone looks at Beck)

Tori:
What happened?

Andre:
Aw, man.

Robbie:
What happened to you?

Beck:
Jessica Baxter. She texted me about a hundred times last night and I didn't text her back!

Tori:
Well, did you explain to her that you can't use your phone?

Beck:
Yeah. Right after she threw this egg at me and scratched my face!

(the doorbell rings)

Tori:
Who is that? (opens the door. It was a little girl.) Hello.

Girl:
Will you help me? I'm lost!

Tori:
You're lost?

Girl:
Uh huh. Will you please call my mom and tell her where I am?

Tori:
Uh, yeah sure. I will call your mom----

Jade:
WAIT!

Tori:
What?

Jade:
It's a trick! So we'll use our phones!

Girl:
It's not a trick!

Tori:
WHO SENT YOU?

Girl:
I have asthma!!!!!

Tori:
WAS IT ANDRE?! ROBBIE?! BECK?! WHO?!

Girl:
I just got lost! I took the wrong bus!

Jade:
Well. You know what happens to little girls with asthma who take the wrong bus?

Girl:
No.

Jade:
They get a face full of door!

Girl:
What does that mean?! (Jade slams the door in the girl's face)

Jade:
Little grunch!

Tori:
Can't you believe those guys try to trick us with a lost little girl, just to try to make us use our phones?

Jade:
Jerks.

Tori:
(in a shocked face) Unless she really was a lost little girl. (gasps) What if she was?

Jade:
She'll learn a valuable lesson, you know: Always......take the right bus. (Cat, who was tied in a leash, manages to bite it off)

Tori:
Cat!

Jade:
She chewed through our leash!

Cat:
I'M FREE! I'M FREE! (Jade and Tori chase Cat throughout the house)

(Jade enters Tori's home and found her sitting on Cat)

Jade:
Why are you sitting on Cat?

Tori:
If I let her up, she might try to grab a real phone, and I don't know if I can stop her by myself.

Cat:
I don't think you can, I'm pretty scrappy.

Tori:
I have a mole on my bum shaped as a fish.

Jade:
You paid a guy to ask me out???

Beck:
No guy in this school is ever gonna ask Jade out.

Tori:
Why not?

Beck:
Because Jade is terrifying.

Tori:
So, your plan is to spend the rest of your life being scared of Jade?

Beck:
(scoffs) That's not my only plan... Someday I'd like to plant a vegetable garden

Jade:
(picks up toilet paper) I ought to take this and kill you both with it!

Tori:
How could you kill us with toilet paper?

Beck:
Put it down! Put it down!

Beck:
I've missed you.

Jade:
So what are you gonna do about it?

(Cat is talking to Jade and trying to avoid Robbie, when he enters)

Jade:
Well, think fast, because here he comes.

Cat:
Quick, hide me!

Jade:
(sarcastically) Where, in my bra?

Cat:
Oh! (looks) No, that'll never work.

Robbie:
I just wanted to talk to her, she ran away from me! Why would a girl do that?

(Jade walks away)

Robbie:
Yeah, but you walked away.

Robbie:
You don't have to keep running away from me. I already asked Gabriella to be my date to the Cow Wow.

Cat:
Gabriella?

Robbie:
Mmmhmm.

Cat:
Well, what'd she say?

Robbie:
She said "Si".

Cat:
That means yes!

Robbie:
I know! I looked it up.

Cat:
(giggles) Well, yay! You got yourself a pretty girl to take to the Cow Wow.

Robbie:
Yeah. Well, I just wanted to let you know you don't have to run away from me anymore.

Cat:
(giggles) Thanks, Robbie.

Robbie:
See you in class.

Cat:
K.

(Robbie leaves, whistling. Cat takes a chair and hurls it against the wall)

Cat:
Gabriella...

Rex:
You were with another puppet.

Robbie:
Yeah, but it was just for one night!

Rex:
Do you love him?

Robbie:
You mean Goonter?

Rex:
Don't say his name!

Robbie:
No! I was just...alone.

(Jade is wearing a gown to attract the flour bomber)

Beck:
There's my girl, just blendin' in with the crowd.

Jade:
I wanna know who that flour bomber is.

Andre:
Ah, so you wore that to get his attention.

Jade:
Yep, and when he tries to get me, I'm gonna grab him and wrestle him to the ground.

Beck:
He might like that.

Andre:
I'd like that. (Jade and Beck glare at him) I wouldn't like it.

(Tori has been dressed as Andre's Grandmother, screaming at him to help him write a song)

Andre:
So, you just happened to have that wig here in your house?

Tori:
No, no, noooooo!!!

Beck:
Never heard that from a girl before.

Cat:
Oh, hey you guys. You wanna know what I'm doing on my Pearpad.

Tori + Beck:
We didn't ask.

Cat:
I'm using a new app. It calls 'Test Easy'. It's teaching me all kind of cool informations. Just in chase I find myself in a situation where I need to know things.

Tori:
Like a Game Show.

Cat:
What? I mean I guess that's a good example. Now, I'm learning about America's 50 states. Did you know America has 50 states?

Beck:
I did

Cat:
Do you know which one of them called Alloha state?

Tori:
Yes

Cat:
It's Hawai-ai-ai .. Yay. Cat's scores. Ok, bye. I love to learn to more knowing. Just in chase.

Cat:
NO! I don't want to be doinked, I'm not ready!

(Sinjin is recording Tori's Slap video)

Tori:
Yo, yo, yo! What do you know?

Sinjin:
(to himself) Oh, my god.

Cat:
Don't feel sad.

Tori:
Why not?

Cat:
I have no answer.

Jade:
I am just gently suggesting that they follow me (Turns around to students) FOLLOW ME!!!

Tori:
I didn't start this followers war! I just wanted to get more followers than Trina!

André:
Well, how the helicopter did your dang sister get so many followers in the first place?!

Sinjin:
Uhhh... I can answer that. Three months ago, Trina told me that if I'd hack into TheSlap and change her number of followers from 34 to 900, she'd teach me how to jump rope. So, I hacked in, and I gave her 900 Slap followers.

(Tori, Jade, Cat, André, Beck and Robbie are surprised)

Tori:
You rigged her numbers?

Student:
Can I have my trombone back?

Tori:
Sure.

(Tori gives trombone to student)

Sinjin:
Look, I just wanna say you guys make me sick.

Beck:
Why?

Sinjin:
'Cause you're all great looking, and talented, and popular. I mean, you guys star in every play at this school. And you sing all the songs. And you do all the talking in class... You guys have it all! And you're really worried about which one of you has the most followers? Yeah, feel the shame, 'cause you should feel the shame.

(Trina and Sinjin are jumping rope)

Trina:
And jump, and jump, and jump, and jump...

Sinjin:
I think I'm getting it!

Trina:
Good. Now let's do our rhymes.

Sinjin:
'Kay kay.

Trina:
"B" my name is Betty and my husband's name is Bob...

Sinjin:
...We live in bubble city where we sell beeeeaaaaaaver medicine.

Trina:
Why don't you start the next one?

Sinjin:
"S" my name is Sinjin and my wife's name is Trina...

(Trina lets the rope down)

Trina:
I'm done with this.

(Trina leaves)

Jade:
Robbie?

Robbie:
Yeah?

Jade:
If you don't take your hands off me in two seconds, you won't have hands.

Tori:
I won't forget the words.

Jade:
By the dawn's early ramparts so gallantly brave rockets.

[Sinjin and Burf are camping outside the store when the gang runs past them.]

Sinjin:
[To Burf] Crazy bin heads.

[Burf shrugs. As Sinjin and Burf eat cucumbers on roasting forks, the gang drives off in a van.]

Jade:
Is that a new shirt?

Tori:
(looking pleased) Yeah.

Jade:
Yikes! Why does it say I'mm stupid?

Tori:
It does not- (looks at her shirt) oh.

Robbie:
Well, it's just you and me, Goonter.

Tori:
It's the flour bomber!

(Tori and her teammates check in to the show)

Male executive producer:
(pointing to Jade) That's Tori Vega.

Tori:
I'm Tori Vega!

Jade:
I'm Tori Vega.

Cat:
I'm Tori Vega!

(everyone stares at Cat)

Cat:
(laughs) I'm not Tori Vega.

Director:
Trina, are these your amigas?

Trina:
No, this is my mean sister and her rude friend.

Jade:
Hey! Do not call me her friend!

[last line of the series; the skit goes wrong as Jade is poked by an actor]

Jade:
Come here!

[Jade chases the actor off-screen as the series comes to a close]