Will & Grace, Season 10

Grace:
Hi, I'm Grace Adler. I live in the building, and I'm running for president of the New York Society of Interior Designers. I actually designed this lobby. What's your name again?

Mrs. Timmer:
Sharon Timmer. I've lived directly below you for 19 years. Could you move? I wanna get my mail.

Grace:
Why'd you let me talk for so long?

Will:
Hi, Mrs. Timmer.

Mrs. Timmer:
Your wife is yappy and rude.

Will:
That's why we never have sex.

Will:
Karen, you're a gorgeous woman, and as long as that contract you signed in blood holds up, you'll be gorgeous for eternity.

Karen:
If you can't trust Satan, who can you trust?

Grace:
Do you think Karen's all right?

Jack:
Well, we know she's not dead, because I'd get an alert on my phone about her last wishes. I'm supposed to delete her porn and set your closet on fire.

Karen:
Marriage is a series of moments. Waking up in the morning. Smiling at each other over the kitchen table. Hiding jewelry together and blaming the maid. Then firing her and watching her cry as she packs her one tattered suitcase into the back of a cab. You know - couple stuff.

Grace:
You've never felt too gross for sex?

Noah:
Never. Not once. Not even the day I got hit by a cab.

Karen:
What are you in for?

Blanca:
I tried to climb your precious wall.

Karen:
Well, maybe you should do what other immigrants do to try to get in legally, like, I don't know, be white, or look white, or marry the president.

Karen:
Rosario gave me that perfume. She said it would bring true love into my life. Her exact words were, "This will cover up the stink of the alcohol, and then maybe you can trick a man into tolerating you."

Jack:
[to Karen] Ye of big boobs and little faith.

Grace:
Will, you gotta help me. My dad's on the way up, and he wants me to drive to Schenectady with him.

Will:
Oh, that's nice.

Grace:
You know that's not "nice". Don't be that guy.

Will:
Oh, how awful.

Grace:
Awful? He's my father!

Will:
Why don't you text me what you want me to say, and I'll read it back.

[Grace sends Will a text and he reads it]

Will:
Wow. If I could do that to myself, I could delete my Grindr account.

Jack:
If you'd have told me 20 years ago that I'd be getting married, I'd have so many questions. Like, "Are gays allowed to get married?" or "Can gays serve in the military?" And, "Why would we want either of those things?"

Noah:
So, Grace tells me you think I'm a bit of a dick.

Will:
I never said that!

Noah:
I know. I'm just being a dick.

Noah:
[about not telling Grace he has a daughter] Look, if I could go back in time, I'd tell her on the first date. Of course, if I could actually go back in time, I'd kill Hitler, invest in Apple, then tell Grace.

Marilyn:
Will, your brother died.

Will:
What?

Marilyn:
He was doing his business in the neighbor's yard, and then he started shaking and just fell over.

Will:
Oh my God!

Marilyn:
[crying] Oh, poor Dr. Silly!

Will:
[pause] Wait... your dog? I thought you meant Sam or Paul! And you made me picture them pooping in the neighbor's yard! Pooping and then dying? That's my worst fear!

Latino delivery man:
So the order is: Latinos have it worst, then Black men, then gay guys.

Muslim delivery man:
Oh, no no no. You have to put Muslims on the top of that list. Try being me and getting on a plane.

Theodore:
Try being me and getting a taxi.

Latino delivery man:
Try being me and getting back into the country!

Jack:
Try being me and having to claim Kevin Spacey as one of your own.

Theodore:
Well, he was good in The Usual Suspects.

Jack:
Would you want him to be Black?

Theodore:
[pause] OK, I see your point.

Reuben:
Hello, my name is Reuben, and today, I am a bar mitzvah. Can I have a private dance in the champagne room?

Karen:
How dare you? I am a lady of quality!

Reuben:
I have a $180 savings bond.

Karen:
[taking his arm] Well, Reuben, you should have opened with that.

Jack:
William Elizabeth Truman. You put our friendship over having a one night stand with a hot guy who's on TV every night.

Will:
[smiles] Yeah, I guess I did.

Jack:
You dumb bitch.

Will:
You and Estefan are really getting married.

Jack:
Our time has come. Before I was ready to settle down, I just had to get a couple guys out of my system... then in my system... and then back out of my system.

Karen:
Honey, we need to do something about your doorman. He's a little handsy.

Will:
We don't have a doorman.

Karen:
Ah. Well, that makes sense. What kind of doorman would test people for colon cancer?

Karen:
OK, honey, BRB. I'm gonna go powder the inside of my nose.

Rex:
You don't remember me, do you?

Jack:
Oh, of course I do. [pause] OK, give me a clue.

Rex:
I'm Rex. We went out last year.

Jack:
A little more.

Rex:
We slept together. You said you'd call, and you never did.

Jack:
[pause] Yeah, I'm gonna need a little more than that.

Rex:
We went to my parents' house for Christmas.

Jack:
Oh, my God, of course! I'm so embarrassed. Can you ever forgive me, Johnny?

Rex:
I already said my name was Rex!

Jack:
Yeah, I'm in the middle of something, Johnny, gotta go.

Jack:
Ugh, I can't believe how full I am. This food baby's daddy better make an honest woman out of me.

[Karen's stepdaughter is one of Will's students]

Olivia:
So, how is she? I mean, does she still sleep in a casket and live off the blood of villagers?

Will:
It would be inappropriate for me to answer that question, but yes.

Olivia:
I shouldn't have said that. It's misogynistic to refer to women as monsters or associated with the occult. I should have just called her a bitch.

Will:
You know the best part about teaching? I can ride my bike to work because I don't have to get all dressed up.

Jack:
Or, is the best part that you're in a position of power and there are all these hot young guys around, and if you ask them out, they have to say yes, or you'll fail them?

Will:
You do understand the difference between a law school and a porno set in a law school, right?

Karen:
That was your First Lady trying to fix me up again.

Grace:
Not sure we really trust her taste in men.

Karen:
Like she had a choice.

Grace:
I'm gonna call some designers and drum up votes. Once again, I find myself begging gay men to love me.

McCoy:
I came on too strong and freaked Will out. I mean, I've known him for two days, and I've already met his mother, found out what kind of perfume she likes and seen what her house looks like on Google Earth.

Jack:
At least you don't know what Kevin Bacon's trash smells like.

Jack:
You hurt the feelings of my male fiancée - or "Boyance", if you will.

Will:
I guess that makes you "Gay-Z".

Grace:
I'm gonna get my boyfriend a Valentine's Day gift, because even if he doesn't believe in romance, I do.

Cab driver:
That's sweet. When you say "boyfriend", you really mean "cat", right?

Will:
It'll be nice to connect with your dad, and for you to bond with my mom...

Grace:
I'm already close with your mom.

Will:
You're listed in her phone as "Will's Jewish friend".

Nurse Sheila:
Mr. Adler, have you taken any recreational drugs in the last 24 hours?

Martin:
No.

Nurse Sheila:
Great. [hands him a cup] I'll give you 20 bucks to fill this up with your urine.

Nikki:
Wow, so that voice comes out of you. I always pictured a sexy, animated rabbit.

Karen:
That's how I picture myself, except with a whip.

Karen:
So what if I make a little more effort than Malcolm? Are you saying that you've never gone out of your way for your man?

Nikki:
No, but to be fair, my men are women.

Karen:
Oh - you're a vagitarian. Question: are you permanently parked in the lesbian zone, or do you move your car to alternate sides of the street from time to time for plowing?

Nikki:
This car is parked up on blocks with 100 tickets on the windshield.

Karen:
It boils my blood that they still give tickets for being gay!

Nikki:
Have you even told your friends about us?

Karen:
No, not yet, but I've been thinking... I think it's time for me to dump all my friends and get new ones who are Black and gay, like us!

Jack:
Larry, you found my coin?

Larry:
The ER doctor did. He asked me how it got where it did, and it all came flooding back: Me not wanting to dance, Will saying I was a dancing machine, you saying if someone put a coin in me, I...

Jack:
...had to dance! [laughs] Now I remember! Karen put a coin...

Larry:
Please don't finish that sentence!

Jack:
Please tell me you found a way for us to get to Spain.

Estefan:
Wouldn't that be nice, but no. We are getting married at midnight, right here at Gate 35A, the nicest of the 35s. Papi, I know it's not Spain, but at least our wedding won't be on a Tuesday.

Jack:
Oh, thank God. Because we wouldn't want our wedding to be cursed by being forced to have it at, oh I don't know... an airport! What, do you wanna have our honeymoon in the men's room?

Estefan:
Jack, that's where we had our second date.

Marcus:
Sometimes, the things we do without thinking? They end up being the best things we ever do.

Grace:
Really. Because I have a Bow-Flex and cargo pants that would say otherwise.