Will & Grace, Season 1

Jack:
FYI, folks, most people that meet me do not know that I am gay.

Will:
Jack, blind and deaf people know you're gay. Dead people know you're gay.

Karen:
You know, marriage is... what? Marriage is... Marriage is, okay? What the hell, that's all you need to... Grace? Oh! Now she's gone. She's gone, and I'm sitting here talking to myself like a crazy person. Oh, my God, listen to me. I'm still doing it!

Grace:
Can you please fax this application over to the realtor?

Karen:
Oh, honey. Machinery. No.

Grace:
Karen, I'm not gonna marry someone just because I want a nice apartment.

Karen:
Um... yes. That- that would be wrong.

Grace:
It would be settling. I want to marry "the one."

Karen:
And well you should, honey. How else are you gonna get to the two and the three?

Jack:
Hmm, let's take a look at a little clip from when it was still the "Michael and Will Show"... before it was canceled. "Will, can I change your throw pillows?" "No!" "Will, can I put my sweaters on your shelf?" "No!" "Will, can anyone live with a control freak nightmare like you? I'm gonna say 'no.'"

Grace:
Just F.Y.I. The first three letters in "assistant" spell "ass," so please get off yours.

Jack:
So I've decided to take my career in a whole new direction.

Will:
Forward?

Will:
What are you talking about? You're not a performer.

Jack:
I am now. Me, a piano and a spotlight. I'm calling it "Just Jack." Here's my flyer. "Just Jack." One night only. "Just Jack."

Will:
Why one night? Oh, it's open mic night.

Jack:
Bring Grace...or a date. Ha ha, I'm just kidding.

Will:
[reads flyer] "A roller-coaster ride of emotions." Who said that?

Jack:
A critic...OK, my shrink.

Karen:
Honey, I can't go. I have a home, a husband and three beautiful stepchil - No, wait. Two. Two beautiful stepchildren. Sorry. Yeah. Olivia and...

Jack:
Mason?

Karen:
Honey, I was getting there.

Karen:
Ooh, I want a drag name!

Drag Queen:
It's simple, sugar. You take the name of your first pet, and the street you grew up on.

Karen:
Shu Shu Fontana! Jack, what would yours be?

Jack:
Glen 125th.

[Jack comes in dressed as an alien.]

Will:
Sheriff, after closer examination, I believe I have identified the lifeform as ... gaylien.

Grace:
We come in peace. Please do not rearrange our furniture.

Grace:
What could it be, that he didn't tell you and he didn't tell me? It must be something he doesn't want us to to know!

Jack:
Good work, Nancy Drew, now let's meet up at Old Mystery Creek!

Karen:
Grace, desperate times call for desperate measures. It's time to get your head out of the dumps and your legs in the air!

Will:
First of all they'll give you a payment plan, which you won't follow. Then they'll garnish your wages, which you don't have. Then they'll take away everything you own... which would be your gym membership. Then... finally, they will put you in jail.

Jack:
No, no, no. They can't put me in jail, 'cause since I never started paying my taxes, I can continue not paying them. I saw that on television.

Will:
On what? The Delusional Channel?

Jack:
I finally found my life's calling, and it involves these two hands.

Will:
Ah. So you're going to be self-employed.

Jack:
Insert laugh... here. I'm going to be a massage therapist. It was an obvious choice, being that I am a people person. I love people... as long as they're not hairy... or smelly... or have the dreaded bacne, ugh. Okay, I need some guinea pigs. Who's interested?

Will:
Smelly.

Grace:
Hairy.

Jack:
Thank you, friends.

Karen:
Bacne. Oh, who am I kidding? It's alabaster from my neck to my ass. I just don't want to do it.

Grace:
You know what the funny part is? [laughs] There is no funny part! My life is so unfunny, Mr. Hutt, it's not even... funny. I mean, what am I doing taking on a mortgage? I mean, my life is already a mess. I'm still renting an apartment, I don't have a driver's license, I'm not married, I live with a gay guy...

Will:
Grace...

Grace:
I haven't had sex in five months! And I was in Bloomingdale's this morning waiting in line to buy wrinkle cream, and this Jennifer-Love-Michelle-Sarah-Felicity-looking thing... bumps into me and says, "Excuse me...Ma'am." [sobs.]

Grace:
I thought I would cook Shepherd's Pie.

Will:
Pray tell, Julia Child, what's in Shepherd's Pie?

Grace:
Um... shepherds? Sheep? Pie?

Karen:
[On the phone] Rosario. Hi, honey. Listen, I'm running a little late. Yeah, things are muy loco at the oficina. Mmm, listen, I'm gonna need you to feed the kids and read 'em something before bedtime... Well, I don't know, honey. Why don't you read them that book they love? "Green Eggs and I'm Hammered." No, Rosario, now why would I want to speak to them?

Karen:
Grace, the bitch we hate is on line one.

Jack:
I... love this dog! We totally bonded. We just sat there together in the park. He checked out butts. I checked out butts.

Grace:
Jada Pinkett.

Will:
Mmm.

Grace:
Hate her.

Will:
Wow, that's kinda harsh. I mean, she's not very...

Grace:
Will, you know the rules. Love or hate. No gray area, just like life.

Will:
Hate her.

Grace:
Good boy.

Karen:
Honey, did you try Balthazar?

Grace:
Karen, Steak & Brew are spitting at me through the phone. How would I get a table there?

Karen:
Oh, Grace, I am your assistant. Now, I may not be a whiz at the...[points]

Grace:
Computer.

Karen:
Or know how to work the...[points]

Grace:
Fax.

Karen:
But, honey, I do know how to get where I need to be. Now hand me the-

Grace:
Phone.

Karen:
Well, honey, I would have gotten that one.

Grace:
[to the maid] You know, Mary Poppins got the same message across, but she did it in a nice little musical number. You're like... you're like a spoonful of whoop-ass!

Will:
Peace, oneness. Ohmmmmmmm!

Grace:
Thank you. Ohmmmmmmm!

Will:
Let's go hommmmmme.

Grace:
Why hommmmmmme?

Will:
There's a rock in my bummmmmmm!

Grace:
At least it's not your thummmmmmb!

Will:
Now it's going nummmmmmmb!

Jack:
Anyways, I'm collecting data to put on the Internet. The world should know the truth about C-3P0.

Will:
Jack, C-3P0 is not gay. He's British.

Bobbi:
Look, look, no panty line because.... no panties.

Grace:
[wincing] There was just no preparing for that one.

Grace:
Call your brother. You know, Michael Corleone forgave Fredo.

Will:
That was right before Michael had him taken out to the lake and shot.

Grace:
Yeah... but the important part was that he forgave him.

Will:
No, I'm pretty sure that, to Fredo, the important part was when he got shot.

Grace:
You know what my aunt Pescha would say if she were in this room right now?

Will:
"Why the hell did my parents name me 'Pescha'?"

[Will finds out that Grace and Sam slept together]

Grace:
Will, I know this is a little weird, but...

Will:
No, Grace, this isn't weird. Gay Republicans are weird. This is sick!

Karen:
Honey, what's going on with your hair? Looks like you got Moose and Squirrel in there.

Grace:
You should talk, Mulan.

Jack:
So what's cookin,' average lookin'?

Will:
Jack has the most finely tuned gaydar in the TriState area. He can name a gay guy in one note.

Jack:
Many have sought my counsel on this subject. They say that Jack is a wise man, Jack is a dangerous man, Jack is a great man. But no - Jack is just a man. A man who knows men who like men.

Grace:
Your cook's name is "Cook"?

Karen:
No, Grace, he has a name. I just don't remember it. No wait a minute, it'll come to me, it'll come to me... "Where are my damned eggs... Paul!" Paul. God, Paul is dead. Now who the hell is gonna cook for us?

Karen:
Stan had to take the kids down to Scarsdale to see their real mother. What was her name? Wait a minute, it'll come to me... "Stan, take the kids to see that bitch... Kathy!"

[Grace rushes by Jack]

Grace:
Hi, Jack. Bye, Jack.

Jack:
Dad, was that you?

Karen:
Honey, you know, whenever I get stressed out, I always like to... [trails off]

Grace:
You always like to what?

Karen:
Gosh, I don't think I've ever been stressed out. I mean, why would I be? I got practically no responsibilities, my job's a breeze, and I got a killer rack! Good morning!

Grace:
Aww... You know, when you just said that?

Karen:
Yeah?

Grace:
You got the cutest little wrinkles right there.

Karen:
What? Where?

Grace:
You feel that? That's stress.

[Jack embarrasses Will at his gym]

Jack:
I know what this is about. You're afraid they'll find out you're gay. They don't know, do they?

Will:
Some of them do, some of them don't. I don't exactly put it on a business card - "Will Truman, gay, member since 1982".

Jack:
'82? Try '78, Mr. "One Time at Sleepaway Camp Doesn't Count".

[Will and Jack walk in on Grace and Karen asleep in each other's arms]

Jack:
Sufferin' Sappho!

Will:
You know, it's sad... an image like this is completely wasted on us.

Grace:
What do you think of this outfit?

Will:
It's fine.

Grace:
Fine means crap.

Will:
It's good.

Grace:
Good means fine.

Will:
Well, if fine means crap and good means fine, doesn't that mean that good means crap?

Nathan:
Be careful, Will Truman. You wouldn't want to upset me and force me to rethink Grace Adler.

Will:
Are you kidding me with this stuff? No one actually says that unless they're twirling a mustache and tying Lillian Gish to the train tracks!

Grace:
Well, if no one wants to play with me, then I'm just going to go to my room and play with myself. By myself. I meant by myself.

[Karen says that Stan nearly died the night before]

Jack:
If you had invited me to dinner - which you didn't, thank you very much, busy anyway - I could have saved Stan's life. I know CPR.

Karen:
You do?

Jack:
Yeah. I had to do it on my father when I told him I was gay - although I think that just confused him even more.

Will:
Shmear?

Grace:
Shmaybe later.

Will:
Shmuit yourself.

[Will and Grace are at the altar at Jack and Rosario's wedding]

Will:
Wanna see what it's like to kiss a guy under one of these things?

[they kiss]

Will:
I don't think we should live together anymore.

Grace:
The kiss wasn't that bad, Will. [pause] I don't think we should live together anymore, either.

Will:
When you moved in, it was so we could heal and move on.

Grace:
I know. I don't feel like I've moved on. Have you moved on?

Will:
I'm standing here making out with a girl. That's the international symbol for not moving on.

[Will and Grace are looking at apartments]

Will:
$2900 for a loft in Noho... $2300 for a loft in Soho...

Grace:
That's too much money to pay for any... ho.

Will:
OK, here: charming one-bedroom, Chelsea-adjacent, well-maintained, $1500. Sounds great.

Grace:
OK, let me decode: "Charming"? Tiny. "Chelsea-adjacent"? New Jersey. "Well-maintained"? Super washes blood off sidewalk daily.

Jack:
I don't like Grace.

Will:
What are you talking about? You like Grace!

Jack:
I'm sort of not into her right now.

Will:
"Sort of not into her"? She's a person, not tandoori chicken.

Grace:
Isn't it amazing, Val? Will is a guy, and yet he can achieve multiple sarcasm.

Danny:
What's up, dude? Still gay?

Will:
Yeah. The antibiotics didn't take.