WWE SmackDown!, 2003

Dawn Marie:
A week ago, I was the happiest woman in the world, and married my sweetheart, Al Wilson. We were on our honeymoon, everything was so perfect. Now, Al's passed. He's gone. And despite all the jealousy, and all the interference of some of his family members, Al and I, we still fell in love. I loved Al Wilson so much. Al was a good man. He loved all that public attention. And that's why our wedding was public. And that's why our honeymoon was public. So tonight, I, Dawn Marie Wilson, will respect his wishes, and I will present to you, the public viewing of my husband, Al Wilson.

Stephanie McMahon:
Tonight marks a very special edition of SmackDown!, because tonight, one of the greatest superstars in WWE history returns to SmackDown!. That's right ladies and gentlemen, tonight, the phenom, The Undertaker! But that's not all. Eric Bischoff wants to drop a bombshell and invite Stone Cold Steve Austin to Raw? Well tonight, I have a bombshell of my own. Ladies and gentlemen, stay tuned for a big surprise.

Vince McMahon:
Well I got some bad news for you tonight! That's all right, because not only do I have bad news for you, also I have some good news for you. And the bad news is that tonight, The Rock, The Rock will not be here tonight. Whoa whoa whoa ho, the reason The Rock won't be here tonight is because The Rock himself has earned the right to go to whatever show he wants to go, whenever he wants to go. So therefore The Rock has chosen to leave SmackDown! and go to Raw. Now then the good news. No no no no, this is good, hang on. This is really good. That tonight, Hulk Hogan, [crowd cheers] the Hulkster himself will not be here tonight! [crowd boos] Little disappointed in that, are you? Not as disappointed as I am. Hogan is using the flimsy excuses to why he's not here tonight. He's using the flimsy excuse, [crowd chants "asshole"] Hogan is using the flimsy excuse of a family emergency. Yeah. Imagine that one, that's a whopper huh? Something to do with his son. Nick, I think that's his name. Whatever the hell his name is, Nicolas. Is Nicolas short for, it really doesn't matter, because let's face it. There's only one reason why Hulk Hogan is not here tonight. And it's real simple. Read my lips, Hulk Hogan is a coward. [crowd boos] Hulk Hogan is afraid of me, Vincent Kennedy McMahon. The hell he's not. It started about a month ago when Hogan challenged me to a match. Hey look, it's like this Hogan. Hogan, you don't screw with me, Hogan. Oh no. You see, [crowd chants "Hogan"] Shut up when I'm out here! You don't screw with me Hogan. I screw with you. And boy did I ever screw him huh? Ho ho! I screwed Hogan royally at No Way Out. Oh I'm damn proud of it, yes I am. You see, it went down like this. Hogan and Rock in the match. Hogan drops the big leg down on The Rock, hooks up The Rock, one, two and then, literally, the lights went out on Hulk Hogan. And when the lights came up, there's a bewildered Hogan standing in the ring and like The Rock's down, and the referee's down, what's going on and all of a sudden, down coming from the ramp is me to confront Hulk Hogan. And as Hogan, as Hogan is confronting me, little does he see, the appointed official, the appointed official, ladies and gentlemen, who I might add is a Canadian just like all of you. [crowd cheers] This Canadian, behind the Hulkster's back, slides the chair over to The Rock, who picks it up and then bam, Hogan goes down like one great big blivet. And then The Rock gives the Rock Bottom to Hulk Hogan and then the one, two, three. And if you don't believe me, if you don't believe everything I just said tonight, we're breaking tradition. Tonight you'll see it for yourself. Tonight ladies and gentlemen, you'll see the world broadcast premiere of exactly what I just described. And after you've seen it, after you've seen this footage, then you will agree with me unquestionably that tonight, it will be official. Hulkamania is dead. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. But there's a new mania here in the WWE. Oh yeah! There's a new mania, and that new mania is simply this. McMahonamania is running wild!

[Hulk Hogan comes out to address the crowd, two weeks removed from his match at No Way Out]

Tony Chimel:
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Hulk Hogan!

Michael Cole:
We had the opportunity to run into Hulk Hogan earlier today, and Hogan was steaming! And who can blame the man? Two weeks ago at No Way Out, Hulk Hogan was screwed by Mr. McMahon in Hogan's match versus the Rock.

Hulk Hogan:
You guys are unbelievable, man. [the crowd cheers] You know, in all seriousness, I've got something I gotta get off my chest. You know, Vince McMahon, I've had it, brother. I am totally through with you. I'm tired of biding my time; I'm tired of playing games with you, McMahon. You know, I know you'd love it if I just walked right out of this very ring and walked out of your life, brother. I'd be gone forever. But that's not gonna happen, Vince! I'm just not going away, dude! You know, you can go ahead, McMahon, and screw me out of my match with the Rock, you can go ahead and call me a coward behind my back when I'm not around, you can run all over the whole WWE, McMahon, and say, "McMahonamania is running wild!" [the crowd boos] But you know something, Vince? That doesn't change one damn thing, brother. There's an issue between you and me, McMahon - and it goes longer than 20 years, brother. And there's only one way to settle it, Vince. I know how to do it, [indicating the crowd] they know how to do it, brother! You know exactly what it's all about...so all I gotta say, Vince, is get your ass out here right now, and let's settle this like men!

Michael:
Whoa! Hogan has called out...

Hogan:
Come on, Vince, let's settle this like men!

Michael [as Mr. McMahon's music hits and he comes out]:
...Mr. McMahon, and he won't have to wait long!

Tazz:
Well, Vince McMahon will not disappoint!

Michael:
Mr. McMahon did indeed call Hulk Hogan a coward last week.

McMahon:
Shut the damn music off! [his music stops as the crowd boos] I got no problem settling an issue with you at any time, at any place, Hogan. Just for the record. No problem at all. [the crowd starts an "asshole" chant] Oh, really? [pointing] There's the asshole, right there in the ring, right there, there's the asshole! I got no problem settling an issue with you, Hogan, any time, any place; I do have a problem, however, doing it as men because quite frankly, you're not a man. [the crowd boos] I'm the only man of the two. Matter of fact, Hogan, you're not a man at all; you're just a mere shell of a man. And you know it when you look in the mirror. I can't believe that you would call me out here, Hogan - after all I've done for you, after all the-

Hogan:
Would you shut your damn mouth?! I'm tired of your crap, McMahon! [the crowd cheers] You know, week after week, you come out here, Vince, and you say how you hate Hulkamania! You come out here and you say how you created Hulkamania! Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah! Well, you know something, McMahon? You're either delusional, you either got hit in the head with a damn hammer, or you're either a straight-out liar, McMahon, because you had nothing to do with creating Hulkamania; you had nothing to do with it at all - you did not create Hulkamania! Hulkamania was a success in spite of you, not because of you; Hulkamania lives forever because of all these Hulkamaniacs! [indicating the crowd, who cheers] And you know, McMahon? The fact that I had something to do with building this company just makes you sick! The fact that I am the one that put this company on the map and helped you make it what it is today, that makes you sick to your stomach, brother! Yeah! And all those Learjets that you have, all those billions of dollars, the houses that your kids live in, the 20-million-dollar vacation home in Boca-

McMahon:
Whoa whoa whoa whoa, just shut up!

Hogan:
- that's all because of these maniacs!

McMahon:
Shut up!

Hogan:
Kiss my ass! [beckons McMahon to the ring]

McMahon:
Let me tell you something...I think you're starting to believe in your own bullshit, Hogan. I could've had anybody play the part of Hulk Hogan; I could've had anybody bring Hulkamania-

Hogan:
Hold on one second, McMahon! You actually think anybody could've ran with Hulkamania? Look at all the guys you gave the ball to; look at all the guys that had the belt! Look at all the guys that ran to the goal line; nobody ran as hard and as long as I did, McMahon! If you actually think, if you actually think I was just the right guy at the right place, at the wro - at the right time...let me say it one more time so you completely understand, McMahon...if you actually believe in your mind, if you actually think that I was just the right ga - guy, at the right place, at the right time, well then, you're a bigger delusional bastard than I thought you were, McMahon! And you know something? I had a match with you a couple of - I had a...you know what I say right now, McMahon, right now we just settle this because, I had a match with the Rock a couple of weeks ago, and you were the one I wanted to get in the ring. You were the one that I was supposed to have a match with a couple of weeks ago, and you put the Rock in your place, brother. You say you're a man?...well, then I say prove it, Vince. Get in this ring with me right here tonight!

McMahon:
You wanna have a match with me tonight? Let me respond to that by saying: there's no chance in hell. [the crowd boos] Let me also respond, Hogan, by saying...that you know, you think about all the things I've done for you, Hogan, all the things my family has done for you, Hogan. Let me say this: you claim that I hate Hulkamania; you're wrong. I don't hate Hulkamania; I don't even hate the Hulkamaniacs. No, I don't. But just for the record, Hogan...I hate you. And I'll tell you why I hate you, Hogan: I hate you because I created you and you turned your back on me; you walked out on me, Hogan! I hate you because you left me, you went down south and joined up with Ted Turner, and you competed against me; I hate you for that! I hate you because you tried to put me out of business, and you know damn well you did! And something else I hate you before, and this is more personal than anything, something else I hate you for, Hogan, is this: you testified against me for the federal government in the trial of my life, and you know damn well you did-

Hogan:
Whoa, hold on a second, McMahon! If it wasn't for my testimony - I saved your ass - you'd have went to prison, and if it wasn't for me, your big ass would still be rotting in prison. And you talk about screwing people, if you were in prison, the word "screw" would have a whole 'nother word.

McMahon [incensed]:
You son of a bitch. My family gave you your first break. My family gave you your name, Hogan! I plucked you from obscurity from some little town in Minnesota; I made you a, a household name, I made you a part of the fabric of Americana, and this is the thanks I get? You think I owe you something? I don't owe you a damn thing, but pal, you owe me; I can tell you right now, you owe me, and I'm gonna collect! You want a match with me? You're not gonna have a match, Hogan. But you know what you're gonna have, Hogan? You're gonna have a fight! And I dare say to you, it's the first real fight you've ever been in, Hogan! And I'll tell you where this fight is gonna take place - on the biggest stage our industry knows today, yet another one of my creations, known as WrestleMania; that's where this fight is gonna take place!

Tazz:
Whoa!

McMahon:
Oh, but wait, Hogan, there's one stipulation. And that stipulation goes like this: not if, but when you lose your fight to me at WrestleMania, Hogan, and I want this in writing cause your word's no good, I want it in the contract, that you will never, ever again wrestle as long as you live! Just like I said, Hogan, I created Hulkamania, and by God, at WrestleMania, I'm gonna kill it! So what's your answer, Hogan? Yes, or no?

Hogan:
Yes or no? Yes or no?? Well, hell yes! I've been waiting for this my whole life! And you know something, McMahon? All my life, I've been waiting for this.

McMahon:
So have I.

Hogan:
And I've got one question for you: what you gonna do, McMahon? Whatcha gonna do-

McMahon:
Ah, cut the crap, no-no! What YOU gonna do when McMahon kills-

Hogan:
Oh, cut the crap, McMahon! You're right, this is no time for catchphrases. But because of you, there's one that still holds true. And that is, you better start training, you better start eating your vitamins, and you better start saying your damn prayers, McMahon!

[Brock Lesnar and Kurt Angle are arriving at the arena before the show]

Michael Cole:
Earlier today, the arrival at the Mellon Arena of the challenger, the confident number one contender, Brock Lesnar. [cuts to Kurt Angle with Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin in tow] A bit later on, a somber homecoming for the champion, a concerned Kurt Angle.

Tazz:
You're looking at a man in a trance. Is it focus or is it fear?

Agent:
How ya doing Kurt? [Angle looks at him and doesn't say anything]

Cole:
Ladies and gentlemen, there will be a match tonight and the WWE title is on the line. WrestleMania has come early. It's Lesnar versus Angle tonight!

Brock Lesnar:
You know, last Sunday, I went through one hell of a match. One hell of a fight with John Cena at Backlash. I like fights. Kudos to John Cena. He gave me one hell of a fight. One hell of a fight he did. But I'm not here tonight to talk about that. You see, there's something else that happened that night that really disturbs me. You see, I came out here tonight. I'm looking for another fight. Big Show.

Tazz:
Uh-oh.

Lesnar:
That's right, Big Show. I came here tonight looking for a fight with you. You see Big Show, what you did to Rey Mysterio at Backlash, gutless. That's what I call it. Gutless! So I gotta ask you Show. I gotta ask you. From me to you. Why? Why Big Show? Did it make you feel, did it make you feel better, Show? Did it make you feel like a bigger giant than you are? Seven feet two, 500 pounds? You feel like a bigger human being, Show? Or was it, Show, that you realized that Rey Mysterio had a bigger heart than you? Is that what it was? Big Show, you can run all over the mat, you can run all over the locker room, you can come in this ring and bully anybody you want, but I ain't standing for it! You want to bully somebody, Big Show? Why don't you bring your big giant slobbery ass down to this ring and try to bully Brock Lesnar?

Tazz:
Oh boy!

Lesnar:
That's right Show! Bring your big giant ass down here so you can feel the pain! [Big Show's music hits]

Tazz:
Oh we're going, we're going Cole!

Michael Cole:
Here we go!

Tazz:
Oh it's go time! [Big Show comes out]

Cole:
The Big Show has been called out by Lesnar! Because the WWE Champion, you're the leader of the locker room. Brock Lesnar acting like that leader tonight. Echoing many of the sentiments of the other superstars.

Big Show:
Bully someone? Bully someone is what you're talking about?! Bully? Listen, Rey Mysterio, he had exactly what he deserved coming to him, just like you're gonna get it too. You calling me out for a fight? Remember, I'll beat your ass just like I did at Survivor Series. Oh no no no. I'm not stepping in that ring until you put that WWE Championship on the line.

Lesnar:
You want my title Show?

Big Show:
Yeah!

Lesnar:
You want this title?

Big Show:
Yeah!

Lesnar:
Come and get it!

[Brock Lesnar is defending the WWE Championship against Big Show]

Tazz:
Big Show's in a land where he doesn't belong, on those ropes.

Michael Cole:
[Lesnar punches Big Show on the top rope] And Brock Lesnar looks to take advantage.

Tazz:
Here comes Brock now. Here comes Brock. [Lesnar climbs the top rope]

Cole:
The champion...

Tazz:
Oh whoa.

Cole:
Wait a minute.

Tazz:
No.

Cole:
Oh my God. [Lesnar punches Big Show]

Tazz:
No!

Cole:
Lesnar with the, the clubbing blows to the back!

Tazz:
No freaking way! [Lesnar prepares to suplex Big Show off the top rope]

Cole:
Is he setting Big Show up for?!

Tazz:
A superplex!

Cole:
No he can't do this!

Tazz:
That's a 500-pound superplex!

Cole:
Brock Lesnar to the top rope!

Tazz:
No! Top rope! A 500-pound superplex! [Lesnar suplexes Big Show off the top rope, and the ring collapses on impact]

Cole:
A superplex!

Tazz:
Holy --

Cole:
Oh my God!

Tazz:
Holy (beep)!

Cole:
What the hell?! The ring just imploded! The ring blew up!

[after Brock Lesnar has brutally attacked Zach Gowen]

Michael Cole:
Well ladies and gentlemen, tragedy has struck SmackDown!, one of the most courageous people I've ever met, Zach Gowen, the victim of a sickening, premeditated assault by Brock Lesnar. Brock Lesnar conducting this assault on Zach Gowen in front of Gowen's family. In front of his own mother, Colleena. You can hear Colleena in the background.

Tazz:
Well that's exactly what Lesnar does, he puts Zach Gowen. Look at how Lesnar does it. God you see his, Zach Gowen's knee just torqued right around that steel post.

Cole:
And that wasn't enough, this sick excuse for a human being, Brock Lesnar wouldn't even allow the paramedics to carry Zach Gowen out of this arena. You know, ladies and gentlemen, every week, we're paid to come out here and be unbiased. To describe the action, to explain to you what's going on and not take sides. But, tonight I gotta break tradition. What we saw moments ago was absolutely ridiculous, and for what? For what did Brock Lesnar do this for? It's not about the WWE Championship! It wasn't even about winning a damn match! Brock Lesnar was a bully; Brock Lesnar acted like an ass out here tonight, and for what? For what purpose?!

Tazz:
Well I don't know for what. I, I, I thought I knew Brock Lesnar also. I, I guess I didn't know Brock. I remember Brock when he first came up in our company. And I knew Brock, we became friends and I, along with Kurt Angle, and I, I guess I didn't know Brock either. I'm uh, disgusted. I mean, he's gonna get himself blacklisted in that locker room, I'll tell you that.

Cole:
Blackli - you think Brock Lesnar gives a damn about being blacklisted?!

Tazz:
No, I don't, I don't think he cares.

Cole:
He came out here tonight, vowed to break a kid's leg, took Zach Gowen and twice F5'd him into the steel post. The same move that required Kurt Angle to get knee surgery. You think he cares about being blacklisted?! He doesn't give a damn about anything except Mr. McMahon and that damn WWE title!

Tazz:
With Mr. McMahon in the head of Brock Lesnar, this man, this manster as we call him, Brock Lesnar is capable of anything. A vicious, vicious, animal. That's what he is.

Cole:
And all I can say, I'm gonna say it again and I've said it before. I hope at SummerSlam this Sunday, that Kurt Angle breaks every bone in Brock Lesnar's body. At SummerSlam, Brock Lesnar gets what he deserves.

Tazz:
Well Cole, I don't think Kurt can do it. I mean, no knock on Kurt Angle, the most celebrated athlete in WWE history, and all that great stuff, Brock Lesnar is on a mission and it's a dangerous, raging mission.

Cole:
Well somebody's gotta do something.

Brock Lesnar:
Shut up and sit down, I got something to say! You see, ever since SummerSlam, everywhere I go, everybody keeps saying the same damn thing. "You tapped out". SHUT UP IT AIN'T FUNNY! People say it at the hotels, in the gym, in the restaurant, EVERYWHERE I GO! In the damn airplanes, they're telling me, "you tapped out. You tapped", I'M SICK OF IT! I'M SICK OF IT! [crowd chants "you tapped out"] SHUT UP!

Tazz:
Yeah shut up, he's gonna go nuts!

Michael Cole:
This crowd chanting "you tapped out".

Tazz:
Yeah he's gonna snap.

Lesnar:
Well I got news for ya! What happened at SummerSlam was a damn fluke. No wait, it was a mirage, that's what it was. Oh no no no! It was a miracle, that's what it was, because Brock Lesnar has never tapped out in his life! You see, I'm not a quitter damn it! No I'm not. I ain't like all of you people. Can't find jobs and if you can't find a job, you just quit looking for one. You see I never tapped out, it never happened! Well, maybe it happened but it really didn't happen you see. Hey, what happened to me at SummerSlam, I know it has to be the most embarrassing thing that happened to me in my entire life, period! That's all right, because I know what you people are thinking. I know what you people are thinking, you're thinking "hey Brock, there's no shame in tapping out to Kurt Angle. He's an Olympic champion." Well that's bullshit! Because I'm Brock Lesnar, and I'm special damn it!

Tazz:
Well he's special.

Lesnar:
That's right. You people might think that me and Kurt Angle, that we're over. But you're wrong. You're dead wrong. You see I'm out here tonight, I'm asking, no I'm demanding, I am demanding a title rematch, Kurt. You see Kurt, I know you're back there, I know you can hear me with those puny little ugly-ass ears of yours. I know you can hear me Kurt. So you better get your ass out here because if you don't, what I did to Zach Gowen last week,

Kurt Angle:
[on screen] Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah wah! [mockingly] What's wrong Brockie? Want me come down and change your diaper?

Cole:
Oh boy.

Angle:
You know this is ridiculous. You know something Brock? You're right. You're not like anyone else. You're the most fearsome athlete that ever stepped foot in a WWE ring. Well you know something? You sound more like a [mockingly] baby that just lost his rattle. You know something Brock, that's not the way a WWE, no I should say, a FORMER WWE Champion's supposed to act.

Lesnar:
Oh you're pretty funny Kurt hahaha!

Angle:
See Brock, go ahead and act like an idiot, 'cause you know what? I was like you before. Whenever I'd lose, whenever I'd lose Brock, I'd hop in that ring and sound exactly the way you sound right now. Like a whiny little bitch! But Brock, I learned. You hear these WWE fans? I learned from them Brock. Because they're not impressed with bitching. They're impressed with action. You know all the kind of action like, when I beat your ass at SummerSlam! Woo! That kind of action. Which gives me a good idea. You know how you said you never tapped before and you'll never tap again? Why don't I just uh, mozie on down to the ring right now and, I don't know, beat you up a little bit? Hit you with a couple of German suplexes, nail you with an Angle Slam, and slap that ankle lock on you and make you tap out one more time, YOU BIG OGRE LOOKING SON OF A BITCH! WOO! Oh it's true!

Lesnar:
Come on Kurt! Prove it! Come on loudmouth!

[Big Show had just been counted out of his match with Orlando Jordan because of a call to nature. Eddie Guerrero comes into the restroom]

Eddie Guerrero:
[turned off by the sheer smell] Oh Chihuahua man, eto qunni. Hoho man. [knocks on Big Show's stall] Hey Big Show! Big Show!

Big Show:
LEAVE ME ALONE!!

Guerrero:
Oh man, I'm sorry man, I didn't mean to scare you while you're in the commode. Ese man, it smells like something crawled up inside of you and died, man! Ca miho! Uy man, I guess that's what happens, Show.

Big Show:
What? What are you talking about?

Guerrero:
Hey man, I'm talking about when you put me out twice, you really think that you can bonk me out twice man, and get away with it?

Big Show:
Eddie I didn't do anything!

Guerrero:
Ese, Show, the reason you're there is because I DID THIS!!! That's right man, that's right, it was my cousin Jose you just met right now, and ate the burrito, ese.

Big Show:
Oh no!

Guerrero:
I put special sauce and I mean some real good special sauce [touches tummy] the type that makes your stomach do what it's doing right now, ese!

Big Show:
Oh it's killing me.

Guerrero:
Oh my God I know it's killing you, I can smell it. Huy!! [picks up toilet paper rolls at dispenser near sink] Hey man, you save your sweat, let me ask you a question, what are you gonna do to wipe your ass? No, you know, wipe your ass?

Big Show:
[reacts] No, no, no. Eddie, there's no toilet paper in here!! C'mon man, don't do this to me!

Guerrero:
I'm sorry, that's right. I forgot. I took the toilet paper out about an hour ago.

Big Show:
Oh no, man!

Guerrero:
[puts toilet paper atop dispenser] Here man, I got something for you to wipe your ass with. Here goes! [kicks stall door right into Big Show]

Big Show:
[Rises up] You son of a... [reacts and collapses back on toilet as more come out]

Guerrero:
Ohohoh, does that hurt?

Big Show:
Oh, yeah..

Guerrero:
Hurt your back? [mocks back pain] Montezuma ain't got NOTHING on MonGuerrero! [leaves as Big Show cries]

Vince McMahon:
Well, well, well, well. Lookee here, it's me, Vince McMahon. You remember me, Vince McMahon, chairman of the board? Yeah, I'm sure you do. And I am proud to stand here--next to Sable--proud to stand here and say to each and every one of you, that I beat the snot right out of my very own daughter, Stephanie McMahon. Boo all you want. Hey, boo all you want, it doesn't matter to me, hell, nothing bothers me. I know where I'm going when I croak. I know where I'm going when I kick the bucket. Hey, I'm going to hell in a handbasket. I know that but I'm not dead. I'm very much alive and... well, we're celebrating tonight. Matter of fact, maybe even kinda like, I celebrated after No Mercy. After I beat my daughter, after I shoved my wife down onto the mat, I celebrated unlike all the rest of you henpecked husbands and boyfriends who do exactly as you're told. You know, how I celebrated after No Mercy, you heard the expression, "Spare the rod, spoil the child." Well, I assure you, I didn't spoil the child but I didn't spare the rod either, did I, Sable? Oh no, I used it all night long. Quite frankly, I accomplished the two things I wanted to accomplish. One: Stephanie McMahon is, as we speak, unemployed. And the second thing I accomplished, equally important, if not even more so, is that Brock Lesnar remains your WWE Champion. Hey, listen, I admit, Brock needed a little assistance in this match but why wouldn't he? Brock's a professional wrestler. He's not a barbarian. He shouldn't have been placed in this biker chain match by my daughter to begin with. So, I mean, when Undertaker somehow was reaching up for that chain and Brock was down to the canvas, well, somehow conveniently the lights were turned out. And then, when Undertaker was reaching for the chain again, somehow someone told the FBI to come down and kick the hell out of the Undertaker. And then, when all else failed, and Undertaker got the chain and he turned around at the top rope, who was there rolling out from underneath the ring to give the Undertaker the ride of a life he'll never forget? Me! Me, Vince McMahon! You see, the Undertaker has to learn the hard way, just like some of these other superstars, although he has to learn even harder and that is that, and the one thing Undertaker learned is you don't cross the boss. You don't...you don't give grief to the head chief. Wait a minute, wait a minute. But you do have sex with the man who signs your checks. Oh, yeah, I'm on fire tonight! No doubt! Yeah! But, quite frankly, enough about the celebration, we now need to get down to business. I've thought long and hard about who should be our next general manager here on SmackDown!. But it's not you, Sable, that's not your job. I have some other jobs suggested for you. No, as a matter of fact, the person I'm about to name as your new general manager, well, he's someone who quite frankly tried to put me out of business. He's someone that if he's around you for a lengthened time, you find yourself reaching for his throat just so you could strangle him. But... but, nonetheless without a doubt, this person is one of the most ingenious, creative, and manipulative minds in the history of this business. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your new general manager of SmackDown!, I give you Paul Heyman!

The Undertaker:
See, this all goes way beyond the WWE title. This is also very personal. On Survivor Series night, I will have worked for this company for 13 years. And in those 13 years, Vince McMahon has screwed with me professionally and personally. Vince McMahon does not respect me. Vince McMahon does not respect anybody other than Vince McMahon. When I walk into that arena in Dallas, Texas, when I walk into that locker room, those guys in there, they show me respect. They show me respect because in return, I show them respect. Whether I wrestle against them, whether I fight them, we have a mutual respect. We're gladiators, and we go out there and lay it on the line. Vince McMahon on the other hand, respects no one. And for all the people, through all the years that Vince has disrespected, he's gonna have to atone for. Bret Hart, Steve Austin, the list is endless. And I think Vince respects his family even less than he does us. Vince is a man who disrespects his wife by flaunting his affairs for the whole world to see, with no remorse. This is a man who shoves his wife down, in front of the world. Here is a man who takes his only daughter, puts her in a match against himself, and knocks her around, and ends up choking her, until Linda had to throw in a towel to save her own daughter. Then this is all pretty much normal activity to Vince McMahon. Well, I'm a firm believer, and I think this [gestures his heart] with everything that I am, I think that in every man's life, there comes a time where you have to be held accountable for your actions. Everyone. Even if your name is Vince McMahon.

Kurt Angle:
Listen, the next step is Survivor Series, all right?

Chris Benoit:
Whoa whoa whoa, what were you thinking? Have you lost your damn mind?! You picked him? Him to be my partner tonight? And to be the fifth member on our team at Survivor Series? How can we trust him? How can we trust him?! Hmm? This guy has made a career of trying to tear us down. And you picked him to be on our team?

Angle:
Wait a minute, Benoit. News flash! I can say the same exact thing about you. I don't like you. And I don't trust you either. And I know you feel the same exact way about me. But sometimes in business, you have to get along with the people that you absolutely detest in order to reach a common goal, and you know that! So don't give me that crap. [John Cena is behind Benoit]

John Cena:
You know Chris, I don't like you either. [Benoit gets in Cena's face]

Angle:
Whoa whoa whoa, hold on, hold on! Hey save it for tonight, save it for tonight guys. Come on, come on.

Cena:
Yo captive, don't sweat yourself.

Angle:
Easy.

Cena:
Only reason I'm teaming with you and Kojak is to get a shot at Team Sasquatch. If I gotta team with you to get a shot at Team Lesnar, well that be's like that sometimes. Just remember out there bro, you can't see me.

Benoit:
He tries one thing, ONE THING, to try to screw me tonight, and I am going to take his head off, and then, I'm gonna come looking for you.

Brock Lesnar:
Do you have any idea what you have put me through this week? Do you have any idea what I've been going through since last Sunday? Because of you guys... no, it was you guys that lost to Kurt Angle's team last Sunday at Survivor Series. Because of you guys, I tapped out to Chris Benoit. Because of you guys, I have to listen to those people say, "You tapped out! You tapped out!" Do you realize... you don't have any idea how degrading that is! (grabs WWE championship belt) I'm the WWE Champion! Get a good look at that! Maybe someday, you'll become it if you step up to the plate! I'm the WWE Champion and I deserve some respect around here! And respect is what I'm gonna get. I've spoken to Paul Heyman to address this issue. Tonight, Matt Morgan, Nathan Jones, A-Train, Big Show, each one of you guys is gonna get a chance to redeem yourself for what you did last Sunday. Starting off with my first problem, a guy, no, a problem that has been messing with me this entire week, Chris Benoit. Tonight, Chris Benoit is gonna face (pointing Nathan Jones) you, Nathan Jones. That's right, Nathan. What do you think about that? Huh? Yeah!

Nathan Jones:
Yeah!

Brock:
God, you're one ugly...

Nathan:
Yeah!

Brock:
You are one ugly bastard, you know that? That's what I like about you. Tonight, I want you to take Chris Benoit and squish him like the parasite that he is. And to make sure of that, it will be me standing in your corner. All right? Now, on to my second problem, (turning to Big Show) John Cena, the guy that pinned you, Big Show, last Sunday to gain the victory for Kurt Angle's team. The guy that took you, a 500-pound, seven-foot tall giant, picked him up over his head and gave you the FU.

Big Show:
I know who he is.

Brock:
Well, what are you gonna do about it, huh?

Big Show:
You giving me John Cena?

Brock:
I'm giving you John Cena.

Big Show:
I want John Cena!

Brock:
Well, good. Good. You got John Cena tonight. Now get the hell out of my face! You guys disgust me!

Kane:
I came here tonight to give a eulogy for my brother, the Undertaker, the man that I buried alive at Survivor Series. But I can't do that. The truth is, the man that we knew as the Undertaker, has been dead for a long time. My brother and I used to share a common bond, we were monsters, we lived to strike fear into the hearts of normal men, THAT was who we were. But my brother, the Undertaker, committed the most unpardonable of all sins: He betrayed himself. He became one of you. I know, I watched as he showed compassion and defended Stephanie McMahon. I watched as he showed weakness in losing to Brock Lesnar. This man was not my brother. This man was not a monster. A monster shows no compassion. A monster has no weaknesses. My brother was nothing but a FRAUD. When I stopped that, I took this impostor, I buried him alive... and I enjoyed it. As I look around all I see is a mass of pathetic insects that I can destroy any time I wanted. But at least you people are true your nature. My brother was not. But thanks to me, you will never have to see his pathetic carcass again. This so called 'Deadman' was dead and buried long before Survivor Series. So all I have to say... is rest in peace, my brother. Rest in peace!

John Cena:
Yo yo yo yo yo. Chill chill chill.