WWE Superstars of Wrestling, 1991

[The Undertaker is a guest on the Brother Love Show]

Brother Love:
You see, brothers and sisters, the man who stands before you now is a man who requires love 24 hours a day! And Brother Love is unfortunately is a little bit too busy, what with bringing you my message of love every week, to give the Undertaker the management and the love that he deserves! So this week, I will present to you a man whose services I have obtained to guide the career of the Undertaker! And right now, I would like to present to you Brother Bearer! [A morose-looking man enters the show] Welcome, Brother Bearer. Now, Brother Bearer, what is your first name?

Paul Bearer:
Paul.

Brother Love:
Paul Bearer! What better man to guide the career of the Undertaker than Brother Paul Bearer! [Brother Love looks around frantically] Why, brothers and sisters, I...I've just had a vision! I've just had a vision! I just saw, at WrestleMania, the Macho King Randy Savage defeating the Ultimate Warrior and ending his career! But Brother Ultimate, do not worry! Because as your career ends, right there will be Brother Macho King, Brother Undertaker, Brother Love, and Brother Paul Bearer. And as the casket lowers into the ground, and your career ends, and the last pieces of dirt are sprinkled on your casket, Brother Bearer will have these last words of wisdom.

Paul Bearer:
Ultimate Warrior, may you rest in peace.

[Mr. Perfect is a guest on the Funeral Parlor]

Mr. Perfect:
Right now, I would like to introduce to everybody my former manager.

Paul Bearer:
Did you say, "former"?

Mr. Perfect:
Yes, I said, "former." A man who has taken me to great heights in the World Wrestling Federation; a man who has taken me to the Intercontinental Championship belt; and with my urging, as a broadcast journalist, will be just as successful, [entering the Parlor...] Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.

Vince:
Oh, my goodness.

Vince and Roddy:
His former manager?

Vince:
What is going on here, folks?

Bobby:
Thank you, Mr. Perfect. You know, as a enter the field of broadcast journalism, with the likes of Walter Cronkite, Edward R. Murrow, Peter Arnett, I, no doubt, will far, far surpass anything those typewriter pushers could have ever achieved. Why? Simple. 'Cause they are not perfect.

Mr. Perfect:
And now, I give you the man that will be by my side. Coach.

Vince:
[as Coach enters the Parlor, blowing a whistle] Coach? What is... what is this? I can't believe this.

Coach:
Do you think Ditka could coach? Do you think Lombardi could coach? Do you think the Bear could coach? These guys were peanuts! They were all peanuts! They're on the bottom of the totem pole! Did you know that the New York Giants wanted me to coach, to coach their team? But who wants to coach just a mere football team, when I can coach Mr. Perfect, the Intercontinental Champion.

Bobby:
Ladies and gentlemen, the Intercontinental Champion, Mr. Perfect!

[Jake "the Snake" Roberts is a guest on the Funeral Parlor.]

Jake:
When Damian was taken from me from [sic] the Earthquake, yes, I felt Death's ugly hand reach down and grab part of my soul. But that's a price the Earthquake must pay. But should Death ever come looking for me and knock upon my door, Mr. Paul Bearer, I will jerk that door open, look into his eyes, and I will spit in it, because I have something that rests upon my shoulder that will not let me fear Death.

Paul Bearer:
Oh, Mr. Roberts, you're talking about your snake, aren't you?

Jake:
No. I'm talking about Lucifer himself, the same one that rests upon your shoulder.

Paul Bearer:
Oh, I've always had my suspicions about you. But you know and I know that every man, on his final walk to his resting place, must face the Undertaker. Even you, Jake Roberts.

Jake:
The way I see it, the Undertaker, at this moment, has his hands very full.

Paul Bearer:
Oh, but if you're talking about the Ultimate Warrior, that's no problem at all. We're just stringing him along 'til it's time to drop him in his final resting place.

Jake:
Let me ask you this. How would you feel, and how would the Undertaker feel, if I shared the secrets of the darkness, and I shared the secrets of this cold, black heart, and the secrets of the Undertaker himself, with the Ultimate Warrior?

Paul Bearer:
[scared] No, no, Mr. Roberts, you can't do that. You can't do that. Would you?

Jake:
Would I? Yes, I would. And all that the Ultimate Warrior must do to understand the darkness and the cold, is to release, release all those fears of death. And secondly, he must do something that neither you or the Undertaker could ever do. And that's simply...trust me. Trust me, Warrior.

Hogan:
You know something, Hulkamaniacs? I can't lie to you, man. I'm worried because this is the gravest challenge I've ever had to face. I didn't understand why so many of my little Hulksters were shaking in fear just at the sight of the Undertaker and Paul Bearer, but now I understand. As I laid myself down to sleep last night, I woke up in a cold sweat, man. I had a nightmare of massive proportions! I saw Hulkamaniac after Hulkamaniac, single-file for miles and miles and miles, walking into a massive grave the site of a football field, man. I woke up, I couldn't believe my eyes! I saw the World Title belt on my dresser. And I realized the fate, the safety, the future of each and every Hulkster is at stake. That's why, brother, the Grim Reaper that has risen in the site on your arm, Undertaker, is none other than Hulk Hogan in disguise. And what you gonna do when Hulk Hogan buries you?

Paul Bearer:
Oh, Hulk Hogan, you don't know how right you were when you said the safety and future of all your little Hulkamaniacs is at stake. Oh yes, it is, and there's more at stake. It's going to be déjà vu for you. There'll be a funeral, they'll be lined up for miles. But they'll stand and look into the open grave and see the special casket my Undertaker's selected for you, and you'll be inside, and we'll be standing there with your belt.

Undertaker:
The size of the grave will be big enough just for you, and all your Hulkamaniacs will be left untouched so they can suffer the rest of eternity, the fate of Hulk Hogan.

Jack Tunney:
As President of the World Wrestling Federation, I am fully aware that the decisions of this office are not always popular, and that this one will be no exception. However, I cannot stand idly by and take little or no action in the face of such grievous circumstances. This past Tuesday in Texas, during the Undertaker/Hulk Hogan Championship match, I witnessed with my own eyes what I believe was a flagrant and far-reaching oversight on the part of the referee. Now the referee's decision is final; I will not challenge his official decision. However, under these circumstances, I have little choice but to decree the WWF Title vacant, and to declare that the winner of the 30-man Royal Rumble will now become the undisputed WWF Champion. Furthermore, in regards to both the Undertaker and Hulk Hogan, and in respect to certain legitimate claims each can make to the WWF Title, it is my ruling that they be allowed to draw their entry number for the Royal Rumble only from numbers 20 through 30.

Rowdy Roddy Piper:
You know what they say. If you can't do, teach; you can't teach, manage; you can't manage, coach. And if you can't do any of them, own, Vincent.

Bobby:
What I'm holding here is the belt that belongs to the real world's champion. Oh, no, not Hulk Hogan. Presently, the man that owns this belt is under contract to another organization. But in the future, he may be arriving in the World Wrestling Federation. If so, it would be my honor and privilege to be the advisor of this man. Now, you wanna compare this belt to Hulk Hogan's? That would be like comparing ice cream to horse manure. You wanna compare the man that wears this belt to Hulk Hogan? That would be like comparing ice cream to horse manure. You see, Hulk Hogan is the World Wrestling Federation Champion. The man that owns this belt is the real champion: Ric Flair.

Bobby:
Well, the big noise you heard last week was not a sonic boom; it was everyone's jaw dropping when they heard the news that Ric Flair may be heading to the World Wrestling Federation, and I just might become his advisor. And Hogan, you should be a little concerned. You should be extremely concerned because you know it, I know it, and everyone knows that this belt belongs to the real world's champion: Ric Flair!

Jake:
Let me relay a little story to you, so maybe you'll understand exactly where I'm coming from. Once upon a time, there was a little rabbit hopping down the trail. And he looks out on the roadway, and a snake had been crushed by a car. Nearly dead, but not quite. And the rabbit hopped out, and he looked down at the snake, and he said, "Snake, I know you're hurt badly, and I'm gonna take you back to my den and help you, and I'm gonna nurse you back to health."

And the snake said, "oh, no, you can't do that. I'm a snake. I'm a snake, you can't do that."

"No, but I'm gonna make you my friend, Mr. Snake." So he did. And he carried that snake back to his den. He put him in his den, and slowly, but surely, he did nurse him back to health, just like the rabbit said he would. Then one day, the rabbit went out for a walk, for a little more water for the snake. He came back, the snake was gone. He turned around, and there was the snake in front of him! And the snake said, "Mr. Rabbit, I am going to eat you."

And the rabbit said, "oh, no, I'm your friend."

And the snake said, "in the very beginning, I told you I was a snake." And you, Ultimate Warrior, have to be the biggest, dumbest rabbit I've ever seen!