Xavier: Renegade Angel, Season 1

Xavier:
I'm a survivor. We're a dying breed.

Xavier:
Life. You could say it started when I was a kid. Like most folks, I've always been different. But not like the others. Other kids could be cruel, they'd call me names: dweeb, chimp, honky, dweeby-chimp, honky-dweeb, and worst of all: chomsky-honk. Did you know there's over eighty-seven combinations of those soul-scalding words? I found out the hard way.

Townie:
So you use your powers to save people?

Xavier:
(scoffs) Powers are for the weak. I have no powers. I mean, unless you count the power to blow minds with my weapons-grade philosophical insights.

Soldier:
Welcome to the US Army, how can I help you?

Xavier:
I need some of that disease you guys invented.

Soldier:
Crack?

Xavier:
The other one.

Solider:
AIDS?

Xavier:
That's the spice.

Solider:
You'll need to fill out an HC24-A requisition form.

Xavier:
I don't have time for that.

Soldier:
(sighs) I shouldn't do this, but here. Someone left this in the lost and found.

(The soldier hands Xavier a plastic milk jug labeled "AIDS".)

Xavier:
Just got to dump this load in that dirty 'puter's floppy slot and collect my kudos.

Xavier:
I believe that we are all one. By helping this tiny mosquito, in a way, I'm helping your mother.

Townie:
(outraged) He's comparing the universal oneness of all life to your mama!

(The townies attack Xavier.)

Attackers:
Take that! Taste the pain!

Gang Leader:
Nobody has ever survived our initiation, come give it a try. Here's my card. It's got embossed gold 12-point Courier font on bone white semigloss stock.

Gand Member:
Bone white? I thought we all agreed to get eggshell white! Absurdity!

Gang Leader:
I'm the leader! I say bone white! (thinking) Its haunting elegance is so restrained.

Gang Leader:
Now boil his blood and get our drugs back. Charge him a recycling fee!

First Gang Member:
We all have our own way of killing. Me, I like to kill on the beach.

Second Gang Member:
I like to kill to music.

Third Gang Member:
This is kind of embarrassing, but I like to kill on the toilet.

("Shiny", a metallic drug dealer, beats Xavier as he lies on the ground.)

Shiny:
(between punches) Give...me...back...my...son! Wait...sorry...I...mean...drugs!

(Shiny has been tossed into a vat of molten metal.)

Shiny:
(crossing himself) I accept Jesus Christ into my heart as my personal savior! Yes, made it!

(He melts.)

Robby:
I gotta go make water.

Xavier:
Spray it, don't say it.

Robby:
If my dad found out I was using science to help him with his Christian Science, he'd be crushed.

Robby:
Daddy can't ever know about my lab. He thinks science is evil, and the Lord heals all.

Xavier:
How does he explain the fact that his own son's legs make me want to puke all over them?

Robby:
Um, he never says that.

Robby's Father:
Well, I tell you: I'd swim through a lake full of water for these cakes. That's the only thing that would put out the raging fire in my belly for these cakes.

Bakery Employee:
That's an odd thing to say.

Xavier:
You need to move on from losing your father back there. You need closure.

Robby:
Closure?! The explosion hasn't even ended yet!

Xavier:
They say when you die, you shit your pants, but not me. I'm gonna shit my heart.

Police Officer:
Someone stole our bloodhounds, but we got the backup bloodhounds to chase the first-string bloodhounds.

The Everchild:
Don't you see? The missing child you each seek to reconnect with is still inside you all. But you buried it. You, Paul, when you were six and you killed that spider monkey with that claw hammer, you really just squashed your heart with that hammer, and that's why you became a dirty pig cop.

Xavier:
Unload your troubles unto me, even if it's tough to swallow. I'm used to swallowing huge loads.

Brat:
I'm gonna name him after me. (beckoning) Come on, me!

Young Xavier:
But, Master, you can't punch someone with your mind.

Chief Master Guru:
Hold this board.

(a phantom fist emerges from the guru's head and punches young Xavier in the face)

Present Day Xavier:
Idiot. He totally missed the board.

Brat:
Silly, pain is a myth made up by poor people who don't want to work!

Hallucination:
Every luxury has a deep price. Every indulgence, a cosmic cost. Each fiber of pleasure you experience causes equivalent pain somewhere else. This is the first law of emodynamics [sic]. Joy can be neither created nor destroyed. The balance of happiness is constant. Fact: Every time you eat a bite of cake, someone gets horsewhipped. Factor: Every time two people kiss, an orphanage collapses. Factest: Every time a baby is born, an innocent animal is severely mocked for its physical appearance. Don't be a pleasure hog. Your every smile is a dagger. Happiness is murder. Vote YES on Proposition 1321. Think of some kids. Some kids.

Brat:
I want universal oneness. Can't you buy it for me, Daddy?

Diner Employee:
How long you been standing there, you freak?

Diner Customer:
What are you, a Chinaman?

Xavier:
I wish I knew myself.

Diner Employee:
We don't cotton to strange Chinaman with no sense of self who stand secretly by for indeterminate amounts of time. Gonna put you in a world of hurt.

(The employee and the customer both attack Xavier.)

Attackers:
Take that! Taste the pain!

Television Reporter:
I'm here to announce that we have discovered the oldest cave drawing known to man.

(The reporter gestures to a crude drawing of Xavier.)

Television Reporter:
The figure is a rather ugly creature, possibly a Chinaman of some sort...

Xavier:
I'm going to have to go back in time and find who did this painting, and what it means. But how?

Diner Employee in Thought Balloon:
(repeats) Every cigarette takes seventeen minutes off your life.

Diner Customer in Thought Balloon:
(repeats) Every slice of bacon takes nine minutes off your life.

Xavier:
Can you dumb it down a notch?

Diner Customer in Thought Balloon:
If you smoke and eat bacon fast enough, you can go back in time.

Caveman:
Ooga-booga. How long you stand there, freak? You some kind of ooga-booga Chinaman? Me put you in world of hurt.

(The caveman attacks Xavier.)

Caveman:
Take that! Ooga-booga. Taste pain!

(Xavier talks to a bruised cavewoman.)

Cavewoman:
My husband. He only does 'cause he love me.

Xavier:
No. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Maybe he does it because you're stupid.

Cavewoman:
Maybe.

Xavier:
Well, if that's love, I'd like to make some love (shakes his fist) to his mouth.

Television Commercial:
Whoopsie doodle, there was a mix-up at the cookie factory! We made the cookies way too big and the chocolate chips blue!

Xavier:
My God. No one deserves a mix-up that bad! I've got to help those poor bastards.

Television Commercial:
Clumso the cookie chef really popped a boner into these yummy snacks! Blue chocolate Whoopsie Doodles, available for a limited time only!

Television Commercial:
Uh-oh, now there was a factory mix-up! We accidentally mixed up the cookie factory with the tampon factory!

Security Guard:
Sir, this is private property. The company has a policy of not cottoning to freaks around these parts.

Xavier:
What's that, Mother Earth? You say this factory is poisoning you? And you need my help? What's that? You want me to repeat everything you say?

Young Xavier:
Who did this to you guys?

Xavier's Father:
Our...son. (He dies.)

Young Xavier:
I know it was arson, Dad, but who did it?!

Xavier:
Been saving myself for marriage, or at least consent.

Tude:
Man, I must have wolfed a mind-burrito, because I just had a massive brain fart.

Xavier:
I'm looking for Puggler.

Juggler:
I think he took off, man, to go to Burning Person or something.

Xavier:
We're at Burning Person.

Juggler:
I went to Burning Person this year?

Preacher:
It is my sad duty to announce that our sign language translator has donated her hands to the Needy Groper's Society. In her place we have "Popo", a very special gorilla from the research center who has been studying sign language under the tutelage of my wife June for three years.

June:
I'm too overcome to speak about my husband's mysterious death, but Popo has asked to say a few words.

(Popo begins to gesture.)

June:
What's that, Popo? (interpreting Popo's sign language) She's saying that this time of great loss illuminates the bonds we share as a community, and for that we must give praise to the Lord. Now she's being very eloquent, saying some very touching things. She's being moving. Still being moving...

Mourner:
It's so moving!

(Popo gives a sermon.)

June:
(interpreting Popo's sign language) Popo's urging you to dismiss the power of your rational mind. She's using fear of death, playing on your insecurities, there's a rock-solid elegance to the arguments.

Worshipper:
So elegant!

Disk Jockey:
We're back! WCRST, Succotash and the Bird in the morning. The Christian zoo radio hooty-hoo featuring Succotash and the Bird in the morning. Accept the Savior, get into the glorious kingdom of Heaven. Succotash, succotash, call us up, win some cash! We got Christ, we got faith, we got traffic on the 1's, weather on the what, we got Popo the preaching gorilla in the studio, how you doing today, Popo? Kind of making a splash in the preaching scene. Make a splash, make a splash, succotash, call us up, win some cash! Well it's 5:55. Let's check in on the 5 W's. We got who, what, when, where, why how's the weather this morning?

Weather Reporter:
Weather's on the traffic, traffic's on the--

DJ:
No time! Succotash, succotash, win some cash! Accept Christ into your heart, look down on us from the glorious kingdom of Heaven. Now, Popo, I understand you're starting your own 700 Club. Seven's a prime number, you're in the prime of your life, life could change, win a chunk of change, succotash, succotash, call us up, win some cash! Got a caller on line 7, are you there?

Caller:
Yeah. Did I win some cash?

DJ:
Oh! So close...was the phrase that pays, and we give praise, bow your heads. Well, thanks for coming in, Popo! Coming up, we got traffic on the 1's. It's traffic every one second!

Preacher:
So if I have sex with that gorilla, the entire world will go to Heaven?

Xavier's Father:
Son, it was you who killed me.

Xavier:
What kind of stupid name is "Yoohoo"? Well, when I find that demon, I shall slay him -- to death!

Xavier:
(calling out) Yoohoo! Yoohoo!

Xavier's Father:
No, no, no, no. No, not Yoohoo. It was you, damn it! You, Xavier! You killed your own father!

Xavier:
The pride I feel for finally fingering my father's killer is dampened only by the fact that I promised to kill my father's killer. I fingered myself. To death.

First Xavier:
If you love soup so much, why don't you marry soup?

Second Xavier:
'cause I'm already married. To justice.

First Xavier:
Yeah. Only a blind girl would marry you.

Second Xavier:
You got a license to sell hot dogs, chico man?

First Xavier:
No. They wouldn't give it to me, because when I was filling out the application, my penis was sticking out.

Second Xavier:
Oh, yeah? You only got one penii? Let me see it.

Xavier:
What doth life?

Xavier:
What doth life? Are we just fleshy blips in some meaningless stew of cosmic oblivion? Or is it vice-reversa? Is our every trolip through fate's garden infused with a mystic--

Clipple:
(throws a bottle, shattering Xavier's shakashuri) Hey bunghole, cease that inner yappin'!

Xavier:
I don't want no trouble, mister.

Clipple:
Freak, if you didn't want trouble, you shouldn't have wandered into Burbury, Conneticut.

Xavier:
Please. I'm just a simple seeker on a spirit quest to discover... what doth life?

Clipple:
We don't cotton to freaks here in Burbury, and we's done hate freaks with open, unquenchable cams of philosophical thirst-worms! (spits on Xavier's face)

Xavier:
You're gonna regret that. (licks the spit off his cheek) You shattered my shakashuri.

Clipple:
I hope y'all can play it three feet up your ass.

Xavier:
Don't know, but I'd sure like to try.

Clipple:
Whatcha gonna do, bird beast? Fly away? On your cuttlebone?

Townie:
Yeah, cuddle this b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bone. (pulls a bone out of his pants and throws it at Xavier's face.)

Clipple:
(kicks Xavier in the face, knocking him out)

Xavier:
You were a hit! Everyone loves you, now. You even have a girlfriend.

Percy:
Really? Is he disabled?

Chalaza:
Okay, Thursday night, it's mailroom Monday, we just got our new shipment.

Xavier:
What do you do if the cops come knocking?

Chalaza:
We toilet-flush the drugs.

Xavier:
Let's stay one step ahead of the cops, flush them now.

Chalaza:
I like, one step ahead of the policia.

Unnamed Vato 1:
Maybe I do have more issues than a magazine stand, but all those magazines are puro fancy. I never wanted to be a vato. I just want to groom and train poodles.

Mocho:
I secretly groom and train poodles.

Chalaza:
Are you guys messing with me? Whenever you turn your back, I secretly groom and train poodles. Watch. Turn your back. (starts grooming a poodle) I'm doing it. I'm doing it!

Unnamed Vato 1:
I can't see. My back is turned.

(Xavier is secretly watching a doctor apparently performing surgery through praying to God)

Xavier:
(to himself) I'd like to see this guy pray an abortion.

Xavier:
Kid, life is just death in drag.

Xavier:
You're not better than me, okay?! Just because you've created life doesn't make you some kind of god. There's more to life than life!

Robby's Father:
(Dousing himself in gasoline, after learning that all of his surgeries were played by his son) All that is real is ANNIHILATION!

Xavier:
Fate. Destiny. Fatestinatey. People toss those words around like tennis balls. Well, I eat balls for breakfast.

Xavier:
Kids, I swear, I'm gonna love all of you, and equally. I'll be dividing my love into seven equal sections, or "Love Quadrants". Each quadrant will be worth 15 "Love Units" represented by these small brass marbles. You may use these marbles as currency amongst yourselves. Collect 35 "Love Units", you can trade those in for a beach towel with my face on it. Collect more than 3 towels...

Lady:
Where are my babies? Where are my babies?

Xavier:
Keep it down, lady, we got families around here.

Lady:
Aaaah, have you seen my babies?

Xavier:
I'm poppin' a peek at a smokin' babe right now.

Lady:
I lost seven of my babies!

Xavier:
Tragic, I've got septuplets myself. I don't know what I'd do if I lost them. Good thing I'm a responsible parent. You should try it sometime.

Xavier:
This is no longer a clue. It's a game. You may have just gotten checkmate, but we're playing Chinese checkers, and as my old friend Confucius say; the hunter has become the hunter-ed. The chaser has become the chosed. Dame Fortuna has had her franking privileges revoked. It seems the portrait has painted the artist, sketching the reverser, who has become the reverse-ed. But this time the suffixed will become the sufferer, and it appears the baby killer is about to kill a baby.

Xavier:
I'm going to help you, even if it kills us both!

Chief Master Guru:
The wise elders taught that resorting to violence will never change a person on the inside. In conflict you must rip you're opponent a new asshole in his consciousness. Soon his mind will be open to all truth. All hole, no ass.

Young Xavier:
But, Master, you can't punch someone with your mind.

Chief Master Guru:
Hold this board.

(a phantom fist emerges from the guru's head and punches young Xavier in the face)

Present Day Xavier with Bloody Nose:
Idiot. He totally missed the board.

Brat:
Silly, pain is a myth made up by poor people who don't want to work! Tears are as real as a unicorn's horn! I've got a unicorn's horn belt! Let's play a board game... I'm bored... I win! What's my prize? Where are you hiding my prize?!

Man In Water:
Shoot, I oughta punch his vacation-raping face from here to the local bus station!

Xavier:
So you admit it is your fault. You kill off the corn mutants, I stay back and protect the womenfolk. Oh!

(Xavier leaves the scene, and enters the house and closes the door)

Xavier:
Society is about to end, girl, and it's up to us to start repopulating the planet.

Lady:
I suppose.

Second Xavier:
Hello? Hello?

First Xavier:
Hello?

Second Xavier:
Who's this?

First Xavier:
Who's this?

Second Xavier:
I'm asking the questions. I called you.

First Xavier:
No, I called you. And you sound like the ugliest son of a bitch I ever heard.

Second Xavier:
You sound like the physical manifestation of some loser's inner demons.

First Xavier:
Well, you sound like some total chode's inability to confront the reality of his past actions.

Second Xavier:
If I ever get your stinky mug in my line of sight I swear to Chekov I'll cock your clock off.

First Xavier:
Well, I'm going to be the bigger man and hang up first-- Damn it!