Xavier: Renegade Angel, Season 2

Xavier:
I alone stride along to strive alone to unify all men in the greasy heat of my unifrier.

Xavier:
This happy place holds magic meaning, for 'twas my mother's nickname. Truckers, delivery guys, men coming in and out of the house all day called her the Grand Canyon, but I never knew why. It's just a great wide gash, spread open for the enjoyment of all to come inside as he pleases and pleasures. Often there's a donkey in there. (Sees a man and woman on the road grieving) Hee-huh?!

Xavier:
A dead child is like pudding. The proof is in the fact that he probably looked like pudding when he got hit by that car. And I think it's time you be pudding his chocolate memory to rest.

Xavier:
Pills are just a psychotropic band-aid on a biochemical crutch. I took a pill once, and I woke up with a booty hole the size of a wine bottle, fat end first. But did I whine? No, I turned to the bottle.

Xavier:
By the end of the day, you will have forgotten all about your dead turtle -- I mean son. (gasps) See?

Television Commercial:
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Jamaican Vibration Molecule:
Come to Jamaica!

Television Commercial:
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Xavier:
Where I come from, sharing love without making a profit is called being a whore. And the working conditions here are whorifying.

Xavier:
Now we march. (Marches on a table.) No justice, no chants! No justice, no chant-- why aren't you chanting?!

Monk:
We prefer the sacred silence.

Xavier:
Oh, break them down with the silent treatment, eh? So devilish, it's clevelish. I can hear it working on you already. (Yells progressively louder into the Monk's ears) You hear that silence?! Can you take it?! The crushing blow of that fiery silence as it explodes in your ear with silence! Vroom! Rrrr! Vroom! (Pretends to ride a bike around)

Xavier:
You've woken the yellow dragon! I've got to act now! This is the 9/11 of noise, the Chernobyl of chanting, the Hiroshima of humping, the Nagasaki of nookie, the Dachau of Auschwitzes!

Don Ho:
Someone wants me dead?

Xavier:
Hell, you may not live to hear the end of this sen... Tense, isn't it?

Pavlov:
Who's the new guy?

Xavier:
Without me, he'd be dead! Imagine a crab without its shell! Imagine a man without his skin.

Pavlov:
Okay! I want to keep my skin! I pay, I pay!

Don Ho:
This monkey on my back's got a twisted mind, but I like it! That's the twist.

Desgrazio/Dale:
You're the backup I asked for, right? What are you, CIA? FBI?

Xavier:
I'm investigating for a higher power.

Desgrazio/Dale:
I don't know how much you've been briefed, but I've been on the inside, tracking Don Ho for twelve years. I'm this close to his big secret. Obviously I've made some bad decisions on my first day and I've just had to stick with 'em. I was a hotshot kid just out of the academy and they didn't give us enough on character development, so I was just freeballin' it! I started the singing henchman thing out of nervousness, and the candy thing just happened. I see you've made some bad choices, too; you've got the fur and the fake snake hand--

Desgrazio/Dale:
Wait, you're not a cop!

Xavier:
Welp, I think I taught you every word and stretch there is. Say cheese.

Hitman:
[grunts three times, so as to say "Cheese"]

Xavier:
So, what do you wanna do now?

Hitman:
[grunts five times]

Xavier:
Why would you want to commit suicide?!

Xavier:
I know you crave release from your misery, but you've just doubled your depression.

Xavier:
This is what the tandem cycle of random violence breeds! A vengeful black hit-sludge with a grudge hath brought the reaper you've sown in the goo of your guilt, as the Créme de your karma is roosting home to harm ya. It always ends up boning the poor.

Xavier:
(monologue) Before long, she was turning tricks in a brothel for a pimp name of "Per Se."

Xavier:
You her pimp?

Per Se:
: I'm not a pimp, per se. But I could get you some per-se if you give me that fly-ass coat.

Xavier:
I came for nuttin' and I got nuttin', like I never came.

Xavier:
As long as one man goes hungry; no one should eat until everyone is full.

Chief Master Guru:
Hmm, there's a thin line between a friendship and a foeboat.

Xavier:
And what do you call these "wind monkeys?" Wiggaboos?

Eric:
Wiggers. Why, I caught this wigger staring saucy at my mistress.

Xavier:
You've totally broken wind!

Xavier:
I'll let these kit shickers kit the shick out of me then let them shove the kack of their human shick in my face. I'll let them kick the bejesus out of me and then rub the beejizz into my hair.

Gunman:
[points revolver at sheep] Do you believe in God?

Sheep:
Yes.

Gunman:
[shoots sheep in the head, points revolver at bird] Do you believe in God?

Bird:
Yes.

Gunman:
[shoots bird in the head, points revolver at Xavier] Do you believe in God?

Xavier:
That's a complicated question. It depends on what you mean by 'God'. You see, I--

Gunman:
[shoves gun into Xavier's face] Yes or no?

Xavier:
[pushes gun away] It helps no one to be reductive. I believe that, that we are here implies to some degree that there are forces larger than us. Now, we can get into the semanticalities--

Gunman:
[becoming agitated] Yes or no?!

Xavier:
The very notion of belief itself can be be rhetorically whittled to the bare nub of its meaning. I'd like to talk to you a lot more about this, would you be interested in reading some of my literature?

Gunman:
No!

Goldern B. Taintnun:
My name is Goldern B. Taintnun, as in "T'ain't none of yer goldern beeswax!" ...the 3rd.

Xavier:
It’s always the last door holds thy deepest reward.

(Xavier goes through the door and is turned into a little girl holding a doll in a pink room with her mother)

Xavier:
I don't want to play with dollies, mommy. I want to ramble the world to help folkses.

(Xavier appears in the middle of the desert playing the shakashuri, and sees a homosexual man sitting on the ground crying)

Xavier:
What's wrong, little girl?

Homosexual Man:
I can't go to Heaven, 'cause I'm gay.

Xavier:
I'll smuggle you to Heaven, via the Under-brown Male-road.

Xavier:
Once I shove you through this Trojan Arse, you'll be the first gay homo in Heaven.

Xavier:
The Blackie Robinson Uncle Tom, cruzo-mo!

God:
Intruder alert! There has been a breach in the system! Heaven will self destruct in 10 seconds if the intruder does not reveal themselves: 10... 9...

Homosexual Man:
Okay. It's me!

God:
You have sacrificed yourself for the good of the hole. You are now the new messiah. What will be your first act as messiah?!

Homosexual Man:
My first act is...

(An African-American man breaks out of the homosexual man)

African-American Man:
To drop the act! Now give me some white women for the first black man in Heaven!

Female Voice:
Try opening all the doors at once.

Xavier:
(holds ropes tied to the doors) Yes, overload the system! (twists and opens every door at once)

Sniper:
We–

Judge:
are–

Xavier's Mom:
all–

Green Shoulder Demon:
just–

Reverse Man:
play–

Sniper:
ers–

African-American Man:
in–

Xavier's Mom':
the–

Jury:
game–

Pope:
of–

Tribe Chief:
life!

Xavier:
(After 'saving' the people from the cryogenesis) I rescued you, from icy demise! All your life are belong to me!

Xavier:
(After killing people he 'saved' from cryogenesis) That's it! I give up! I sacrificed everything - even your lives - for you people, and what do I get?!

Xavier:
(Whilst peeling off a dead guys face and using it as a mask) I'll just fit in. Take on a normal life! Meet a nice job; hold down a well paying family!

Xavier:
(To himself in a mirror) Okay, you look normal. Now, just act normal. Clutch the dark purple hairs of the galloping orangutan of normalcy and ride, nigga, ride!

Interviewer:
Huh, impressive. You have a fresh approach to being normal.

Xavier:
[after being put on the spot for a new business idea by Peterson] I know I was moving my hot dog in and out of Peterson's wife's buns last night.

Peterson:
My wife is dead.

Xavier:
I never said it was consensual. Don't worry, I used condiments. She enjoyed it with relish! Her mouth passed mustard! I could hardly ketchup to her va-gi-na!

Xavier:
[lapping his own blood] If I could do it all over again, I would do exactly the same thing.

Amy “Peanut butter” Warner:
Eat that ketchup nice and good.

Xavier:
[after having sex with his mother] I am no longer a momma's boy. She made me a mama's man.

Xavier:
I'm not violent at all, look! [blasts a laser and kills a group of people playing volleyball]

Ink Blot:
But you killed those people!

Xavier:
Did I? [aside glance] What he doesn't know is that I'm using reverse psychology on him.

Ink Blot:
I can tell you're trying to use reverse psychology on me.

Xavier:
That proves he doesn't know!

Psychologist:
Interesting. I think you're ready to see yourself for the first time. Not how you imagine yourself, but how you truely are. (holds up a mirror to Xavier, showing him to be a human being)

Xavier:
Hot dang, I'm cured!

Psychologist:
(puts down mirror, revealing himself to be an Xavier-like creature) Cured? Who said there was anything wrong with you?

Xavier:
I gotta warn you, If you beat me up, one day that pain will come back to me [Xavier folds himself in a sexual position] sexfold.

Tourist:
Not you, freak. This here terroristical sand negroid. [He slams the Muslim against the ground] Take crime! Taste the hate!

Xavier:
[picking up the Muslim] They queefer to be called Sandfrican Americans!

Xavier:
If you want to experience the real America, you've got to build an artificial world, a robotic amusement park, full of android Americans programmed to be good to you and to let you into their humble lives.

Xavier:
[trying to perform CPR on a dead man at a wake] People! A man has fallen! Man down! He needs help! You dark heartless rubberneckers sit back in black! Asses to asses! Butts in dust, doing nutting all over the face of this place!

Xavier:
I hate to brag my britches, but I'm a rather large medium when I penetrate the gray veil. Baleed me, once I get this dead motor mouth yapping through me, he won't stop chewing my lips off till I have to knock his black off and jack our mouths off.

Xavier:
Mine is the story of a man searching far and wide, fat and thick and deep for his mother once thought dead. Have you seen her? She's about yay tall and about ooh big [cupping where breasts would be on his chest] and about mmm nice. [groping his crotch] I have a sketch you could print. [pulls out sketch of himself]

Reporter:
[Writing] Wow... look at him... go.

Xavier:
Does your paper have a missed connection section? Take this down! You: Sandy, 5ft blonde, pretty drunk, we made passing eye contact whilst you were giving birth to me. Me: single white male, thick and huge, I tore you up that night, cocoa?