Young Sheldon, Season 1

[First lines of the series]

Adult Sheldon:
"I've always loved trains. In fact, if my career in theoretical physics hadn't worked out, my backup plan was to become a professional ticket taker. Or hobo. And when I figured out that trains allowed me to prove Newton's first law... An object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force... I felt like Neil Armstrong on the moon, alone and happy."

Mary Cooper:
Shelly, dinner's ready!

Adult Sheldon:
"I don't care how dimwitted you are. Scientific principles have to make you smile. Of course, nobody I knew in East Texas in 1989 cared about Newtonian physics. The only Newtons they cared about were Wayne and Fig."

Missy Cooper:
Sheldon, if you don't get in here, I'm gonna lick your toothbrush.

Sheldon Cooper:
Coming!

Adult Sheldon:
"That's my sister. And she's done it before."

George Cooper Sr.:
Hey, what the hell are you doing out there?

Mary Cooper:
George, language.

George Cooper Sr.:
What language? So?

Sheldon Cooper:
I was exploring dimensional kinematics.

Georgie Cooper:
Admit it, he's adopted.

Sheldon Cooper:
How can I be adopted when I have a twin sister? Think, monkey, think.

Mary Cooper:
That's enough. No one's adopted.

Missy Cooper:
I wish I was.

Mary Cooper:
That can still be arranged.

Missy Cooper:
[in church, listening to a sermon about 'evil thoughts'] I'm having an evil thought right now.

Sheldon Cooper:
What?

Missy Cooper:
"I'm going to kick you in the balls when we get home."

George Cooper Sr.:
(Sheldon's new friend is having dinner with the Coopers) So, uh, Tam... what kind of name is that?

Tam:
Vietnamese, sir.

George Cooper Sr.:
Sure. I spent a little time over there. Army. Your Mom's name isn't Kim Lee, is it?

Tam:
No, sir.

George Cooper Sr.:
[seeming relieved] Good, good. I mean, yeah. It's a small country. So... Mary, how's that food comin'?

Mary:
[from the kitchen] Almost.

Georgie Cooper:
So, Viet Nam. Like in Rambo.

Tam:
Yes.

Georgie Cooper:
That's a cool movie.

Tam:
Yes.

Georgie Cooper:
Are you in it?

Tam:
No.

Mary Cooper:
All right, Tam. I decided I was gonna make you a real Texas dinner: bar-b-que chicken and brisket.

Tam:
Thank you.

Mary Cooper:
Well, I figured you were probably tired of stuff wigglin' around on your plate. OK, let's say Grace. Now, Tam, when I say 'Jesus', feel free to say the word 'Buddha' in your head.

Tam:
I'm actually Catholic.

Mary Cooper:
Oh. Well, that's too bad.

Sheldon:
You lied to your moon pie.

Meemaw:
I was bluffing my moon pie.

Sheldon:
Do people know about this?

Meemaw:
Sheldon, what's on a person face is not always what's in their heart.

Sheldon:
Well, this changes everything. How do you know who to trust?

Meemaw:
You don't. That's what makes life interesting.

Sheldon:
What's she say?

Meemaw:
The doctors are doing some tests, but dollar to donuts, your daddy's just got a bad case od gas. Y'all two go get ready for bed.

George Jr:
I don't want to stay around her. I want to go to the hospital and see dad.

Meemaw:
Well, i want to go to Las Vegas and see Willie Nelson, but that ain't gonna happen either.

George Jr:
This is stupid.

Meemaw:
You know what stupid? I got to drink pink wine

Sheldon:
Meemaw

Meemaw:
What?

Sheldon:
Is dad really okay?

Meemaw:
Yes

Sheldon:
I hope you're not bluffing.

George Jr:
I'm driving to the hospital. You can come with me or stay here, up to you.

Missy:
I'm coming.

George Jr:
Sheldon?

Sheldon:
You're 14. You don't know how to drive.

George Jr:
I drove a tractor at 4-H camp. It's the same thing.

Sheldon:
But you sat on the farmer's lap.

George Jr:
Then stay here. Come on, Missy.

Sheldon:
(He suddenly hear Meemaw snore, and turning. Afraid he's gonna be blame for the runaway, Sheldon decides to join George and Missy).

Mary:
What took you so long to answer?

Meemaw:
Powdering my nose. What's it to ya?

Mary:
Sorry I asked. Just want to give you an update.

Meemaw:
Y...what's going on?

Mary:
They wanna to run some test. They're gonna hold him overnight.

Meemaw:
Oh, well. That's, that's nothing to worry about. That's just precautionary.

Mary:
How are the kids?

Meemaw:
Oh... they were a little worried. But I handled it.

Mary:
They're sleeping?

Meemaw:
Um, yeah yeah. You bet.

Mary:
Thank's again for helping.

Meemaw:
Oh hey, these are my grandchildren. They are my blood.

Mary:
Okay, I'd better go.

Meemaw:
Okay, we'll talk later.

Meemaw:
(Hang the phone before she realize about the letter in the table. As she open it, it's shown that Sheldon is telling him about their runaway).

Meemaw:
Son of a bitch. I hate those kids.

George Jr:
Dang it.

Missy:
Are you aiming for them?

George Jr:
Everybody just shut up. I got this.

[The three of them then realize about a siren wailing behind their car.]

Sheldon:
Oh, no. We're going to jail.

Missy:
Georgie's going to jail. I'm saying I was kidnapped

Sheldon:
That's a good plan. You and I were kidnapped.

George Jr:
If I'm going to jail, we're all going to jail.

Sheldon:
Oh, you'd better pull over.

[As George pull over, it revealed that the siren was coming from a ambulance.]

George Jr:
Oh, thank god.

Sheldon:
Well, don't just sit there. Follow it.

George Jr:
Why?

Sheldon:
It's an ambulance. It's going to the hospital.

George:
Hang on.

Missy:
How about i put the radio on real low.

George Jr:
Shut up.

[The end credits scroll up. The logo reads:
Chuck Lorre Productions, #570]

Emoji:
Believe me.

[final lines]

Adult Sheldon:
Fun fact: The first time I almost died was at the age of nine. The murder weapon: A Jimmy Dean sausage.

[In the flashback, Sheldon chokes and clutches his throat, his blue eyes wide with distress]

Missy:
Mom, Sheldon's making faces at me.

[Mary sees Sheldon clutching his throat and struggling to breathe]

Mary:
Sheldon?! Honey!

Adult Sheldon:
In fairness to Mr. Dean, this one morning I decided to forego my normal twenty chews per bite, as prescribed by the American Medical Association.

Mary:
George, help!

George:
[bending Sheldon over his knee] Come here, boy. We got it. We just got to smack it out. [He smacks Sheldon on the back]

Adult Sheldon:
To further complicate matters, in any real life crisis, my family's default mode is mindless panic.

Missy:
[from the comfort of the breakfast table] Sheldon's gonna die! Sheldon's gonna die!

Adult Sheldon:
Or heartless apathy.

[Georgie bites into a slice of toast and watches. George picks Sheldon up by his legs and shakes him]

George:
Here we go. This is how you do it. Here we go. And shake.

Adult Sheldon:
It's interesting, the things you think about when life is ebbing from your body. For instance, linoleum. What is it, really? Plastic? And if so, how is it from Formica?

Mary:
I'm calling 911.

[While being shaken, Sheldon's gaze turns to the cereal box on the table]

Adult Sheldon:
And what about Count Chocula? How is he a count? Did the title come with land?

Mary:
George, Heimlich! [George puts the boy on his feet and does a heimlich maneuver] Don't hurt his little ribs!

Adult Sheldon:
They say in the final moments, your life passes before your eyes. All I saw was my brother licking jelly off the knife, and putting it back in the jar.

[Sheldon's windpipe is freed from obstruction]

Mary:
Okay, it's better now. Sheldon! Honey, are you okay? Can you breathe? Say something!

Sheldon:
You have to... throw away... that jelly!

Sheldon:
The math says they should never punt again.

Meemaw:
Who's his really daddy?

Sheldon:
The cheerleader hugged me to her bosom.

Tam Nguyen:
That's amazing!

Sheldon:
No more high fives. I can't keep washing my hands.

Sheldon:
[screaming, while the boys at the party are holding him up in the air, mosh style] PUT ME DOWN! I SAID, "PUT ME DOWN"! PUT ME DOWN, I'M NOT ENJOYING IT!

Tam:
You know, sometimes you sound like a super villain.

Sheldon:
[excitedly high-pitched] Silence!

Tam:
That'll be more effective after your voice changes.

Sheldon:
[Tam steps away. Sheldon sighs]

[deep voice]

Sheldon:
Silence!

Missy:
I can't die. I've only kissed one boy.

Mary:
What?

Missy:
Don't worry, it was years ago.

Missy:
I'm bored.

Meemaw:
Hey! Someday, someone will write a book about Sheldon. Don't you want a chapter in there about how loving and supportive you were?

Georgie:
What's the point? I ain't never gonna read it.

Sheldon:
Dad, can we afford a computer?

George Sr.:
You do my taxes. What do you think?

Sheldon:
[pause] Nevermind.

George Sr.:
Here we go. Fifteen years and fourteen hours later, the best brisket in Texas.

[tastes some]

George Sr.:
Connie, you evil bitch!

Sheldon:
Back home, he applied the spice rub with such erotic tenderness it made my mother a little jealous.

Adult Sheldon:
"That was the best trip I'd ever been on. I just wish I'd told my father that while he was alive."

Georgie:
Wait. I see Elle Macpherson in a bikini. Ooh, it just fell off.

Sheldon:
I see Quadrant 1 is red, Quadrant 2 is soft and plush, [sniffs] Quadrant 3 smells like lavender, and Quadrant 4 is overlaid with a Fibonacci spiral.

Mary:
That's a dumb idea. We don't want Georgie to be like Georgie.

Principal Petersen:
First of all, I want to thank you both for coming.

Mary:
Yeah, yeah, what'd he do?

Principal Petersen:
Uh, he didn't do anything.

George Sr.:
Gosh, Tom, I want to believe you.

Principal Petersen:
Okay, the problem is the curriculum here is not challenging enough for Sheldon. Now, he gets bored and maybe doesn't express himself in the most productive way.

Sheldon:
[seeing how well-behaved and studious the Wilmont students are] What's wrong with them?

Mary:
What are you talking about?

Sheldon:
They're so quiet. Are they on medication?

Mary:
No. They're just smart like you.

Sheldon:
I've been going to school in a zoo.

George Sr.:
[quietly to Mary] Not too sure about these uniforms. Kinda froufrou.

Dr. Flora Douglas:
I must tell you, in all I've been here, I have never seen such glowing letters of recommendation from a student's teachers.

George Sr.:
Well, that's real nice to hear.

Dr. Flora Douglas:
Now, listen to this: "Putting aside his superior intellect, Sheldon is a delight to have in the class. He's fun-loving, easy to get along with, and always ready to help another student."

Sheldon:
That doesn't sound like me at all.

Mary:
Sure it does, sweetie.

Sheldon:
You're catholic, right? Explain it to me.

Sheldon:
We really need to get one of these.

Mary:
No. What on earth?

Sheldon:
Hello.

Mary:
What are you doing?

Sheldon:
I made a real germ-proof hedge of protection.

Mary:
Oh, honey, you can't stay in there.

Sheldon:
I've got a refrigerator, I've got my sleeping bag, and anything else I need I can make out of Legos.

Mary:
What's with the Halloween costume?

Sheldon:
In case of a breach.

Mary:
Stay right there.

Sheldon:
That's my plan.

Mary:
Here is the cherry on top!

Sheldon:
She knows who I am. It's going well.

Sheldon:
I decided to become an actor!

Missy:
Methalone act normal.

Luis:
Cooper. Your stop.

Sheldon:
Would you mind dropping me off closer to my house?

Mary:
You need to come home with me.

Sheldon:
No. I'm working.

Mary:
There is a tornado watch. Let's go!

Meemaw:
Oh, come on, Mary. We've had a watch every day for 2 months, nothing ever happens.

Sheldon:
I think you're just worried I'm earning the money to send in my college application.

Mary:
I am worried it is not safe out here. Let's go!

Sheldon:
I can worry about my own safety, thank you.

Mary:
I don't care if you think you're an adult. I'm your mother, and you will do as I say.

[A tornado warning siren sound effect is heard]

Meemaw:
Well, that ain't good.

Mary:
You believe me now? Mom?

Adult Sheldon:
The good news was most of our neighborhood was spared. The bad news: my mother thought she had something to do with it.

Sheldon:
There is someone. And it's me.

Sheldon:
If they get married, we have doubled the number of smart people in our family.

Mary:
Your dog left a dead squirrel in our living room!

Sheldon:
Dr. Sturgis, welcome.

Dr. John Sturgis:
Thank you, Sheldon.

Sheldon:
I do believe there was subtext there. Did you pick up on it?

Meemaw:
Yeah.

Sheldon:
Oh, Meemaw, no.

Mary:
Hey, who are you calling?

Sheldon:
Dr. Sturgis.

Mary:
Why?

Sheldon:
I saw Meemaw get in the car with Mr. Rosenbloom.

Mary:
(distorted voice) No...

Adult Sheldon:
I don't know if it really happened this way, but to my 9-year-old mind, my mother was flying.