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Troy:
What if I gave you that island you wanted and Scarlett Johansson...and the power of invisibility?

Gary Bunda:
Like we made Scarlett Johansson. Scarlett? Scarlett, put those free nuts down. Come on over. Whoa, Scarlett, what are you doing -- Taking your shirt off in a restaurant? Wowie, wowie, wow!

Tucker:
Pleasure meet ya, Miss Johansson. Scar-Jo. Uh, I'm very happy you're gonna be my wife.

Gary Bunda:
[cover his hand in a high pitch voice] No, I'm sorry, mister, your hands are wet, no. No, I...

[Tucker swipes his hand a few times to see if Scarlet's really there]

Tucker:
GOD DANG IT! THERE'S NOBODY THERE!

Gary Bunda:
Am I licking my lips? Do I have to tell?

Tucker:
I'm starting to think you guys can't even deliver on the tournament.

Troy:
You're absolutely right. Uh, because we're incompetent.

Gary Bunda:
We're stupid.

Troy:
If I were you, I wouldn't even be in business with us, so just come on back over here, we'll rip this contract up, and then we'll call it a day.

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
3 days ago

Troy:
I've got good news for you and bad news. Now, the bad news is you're not gonna win the tournament. But the good news is you're gonna get to keep your soul. Turns out we're full up.

Gary Bunda:
Yeah, there's no room at the inn.

Troy:
So, uh, you know, we'll just rip this little contract up and you can be free and on your way.

Tucker:
Nah. Sorry, fellas. I'm standing pat.

Gary Bunda:
[to Troy] He's not licking his lips. I don't think that he's bluffing.

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
3 days ago

[Troy calls Benji]

Benji:
Soul peeling.

Troy:
It's Troy. We sent you somebody last night. Her name is Gail, she's got blonde hair, I don't know, like, 5'2" or something. She's probably screaming a lot.

Benji:
Yeah, I think I got here.

[pans to the camera to Gail who is brutally skin-peeled and screaming in torture]

Benji:
She's already peeled, though.

Troy:
Well, unpeel her.

Carl Dougan:
[to Troy] What...What do you mean peeled?

Benji:
You can can have the jacket I made out of her.

Troy:
You made a jacket out of her?

Carl Dougan:
Jacket?

Benji:
You know what? I've got a few extra pieces here. I could maybe sew here into a scarf.

Troy:
Forget it, Dumb-dumb. [hangs up]

Benji:
[to Gail] Where did I put your rectum?

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
3 days ago

[Troy and Gary wakes up from their room after all of the partying at the casino]

Troy:
Hey, it's 11:30. What times does the poker thing start? You got the contract?

Gary Bunda:
What -- What -- What do you mean? I thought you had it.

Troy:
Oh, where the... [sees the contract] Okay, I got it right here.

Gary Bunda:
[sees the same contract the Troy got] I got it right here.

Gary Bunda:
Oh, good, we got two, we're covered then.

Troy:
What do you mean we got two? Why do we have two? [grabs the contract from Gary] Gary, who the hell is Gail Dougan?

Gary Bunda:
Uh...

[knock on door]

Gary Bunda:
Who is it?

Carl Dougan:
It's Carl and Gail Dougan -- From last night!

[Gary flashbacks to what happened to Carl's girlfriend when they meet yesterday]

Gary Bunda:
[drunk] I can make you the best poker player in the world. Yeah. Yeah, I did it for a guy. I did it for a guy.

Gail Dougan:
This would be great! What...what do we do? What do I have to do? I'' do anything.

Gary Bunda:
[drunk] You just sign on the dotted line.

Gail Dougan:
It's that easy.

Gary Bunda:
[drunk] Who else wants to be a poker player?

[Gary's flashback ends]

Troy:
I can't believe you gave them the same deal. Two people can't win the same poker tournament.

Gary Bunda:
Listen, you're making a big deal out of this, okay? We can just tear up the contract.

Carl Dougan:
Uh, hold on here, fellas. Gail already gave you her soul.

Troy:
No, no, no, we're not idiots. We know not to take the soul from a living person, right Gary?

[Gary flashbacks again of how he screwed up from taking a soul from a living person]

Gary Bunda:
Okay, now, here's the thing. According to this, what I'm really gonna need from you is I'm gonna need your soul as a deposit.

Gail Dougan:
That's good enough for me.

Gary Bunda:
Let me just do the incantation and we'll be ready to go.

Gail Dougan:
Okay.

[Gary starts to do the incantation on Gail]

Gail Dougan:
[screams] OH, NO! I'VE MADE A HORRIBLE MISTAKE! IT'S HOT! IT'S HOT! [gets sent to hell]

Gary Bunda:
[to Carl] She's gonna be -- She's gonna be okay. You just get her some orange juice and cookies.

Carl Dougan:
[to Gail] Yoou want to go up to the room, maybe lay down?

Troy:
[drunk] You know what you need is a shot, just a little to power through it, and then get some hair of the dogs. RUFF! RUFF!

[Gary's flashback ends]

Troy:
What did I tell you?! We don't take the souls from living people!

Gary Bunda:
You were wasted. Okay, it was a YOLO kind of night.

Carl Dougan:
Listen, if you guys want to just undo this whole thing, I wouldn't be opposed, okay, because, honestly, Gail has been real moody, bitey.

Gary Bunda:
That's normal for someone's who's hung over. The light hasn't left here eyes...at all.

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
3 days ago

Gary Bunda:
Hey, why don't we go and we take his soul, and we bring it to Satan right now, like on a platter, like a Christmas pig.

Troy:
We can't do that, Gary. We got to wait for the guy to die first. You don't take souls from living people.

Gary Bunda:
Christmas pig.

Troy:
But don't worry about it. Once the guy dies, you'll have all eternity to screw with him.

Gary Bunda:
Let's celebrate.

Troy:
You know what--

Gary Bunda:
Beer me up, scoochay!

Troy:
No, I can't do any of that stuff. I'm actually gonna call my sponsor now. I'm getting -- You know, Vegas is not a great place for me.

Gary Bunda:
Whoosh.

Troy:
What's that, 'cause I'm whipped?

Gary Bunda:
Whoosh.

Troy:
I'm sponsor-whipped? I'm an alcoholic, Gary.

Gary Bunda:
Whoosh.

Troy:
I should not be in a place with alcohol.

Gary Bunda:
Whoosh.

Troy:
It doesn't mean I'm whipped. I have a disease.

[Gary makes funny face to Troy]

Troy:
Alright, fine, you want to go out? Let's go have some fun. I will have one club soda while you make a profound jackass out of yourself.

Gary Bunda:
You're gonna love watching me drink.

Troy:
Yeah.

Gary Bunda:
Ha Ha!

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
3 days ago

Gary Bunda:
I don't even know how you sit down with them big brass balls of yours.

Troy:
I told you he'd fold. I mean, the guy licks his lips. He's a lip licker!

Gary Bunda:
Licking his lips.

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
3 days ago

Troy:
The deal is null and void. Thank you for your time. Good luck to you, sir.

Tucker:
WHOA! AAAOOOOH!

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
3 days ago

Gary Bunda:
First of all, Troy, it's adamantium bone claws. And, second of all, is Satan running a Project X?

Troy:
No.

Gary Bunda:
You tell me now, because if I have the mutichin, I think I could be some sort of Balloon Man --

Troy:
[interrupts] WILL YOU SHUT UP, GARY! I'm not giving him an island. I'm not giving him Scarlet Johansson.

Gary Bunda:
Well, maybe we could get him a hammock and Renee Zellweger.

Troy:
He's bluffing. That's why they call him "Lip Licker." That's his tell.

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
3 days ago

Troy:
Of all the players here, we know you're our man. You are excellent at poker, Tucker. We know that. I mean, you're 83rd in the world, that's no slouch.

Gary Bunda:
Mnh-mnh.

Troy:
But you ain't gonna win the King of Clubs without us.

Tucker:
Now, you boys are talking about my immortal soul. That's the biggest chip I got, son. And you want me to go all-in.

Gary Bunda:
Yes.

[Tucker reads the contract]

Tucker:
I'm sorry, boys, but...I'm gonna have to Pasadena.

Gary Bunda:
We agreed to this! I bought a burger for you!

Tucker:
You know what? Maybe you're just gonna have to sweeten the deal a little bit for me.

Troy:
Alright, alright. How sweet we talking here?

Tucker:
I want my own island, Scarlett Johansson, the power of invisibility, and the poker championship, of course.

Troy:
How 'bout I throw in some of them, uh, Wolverine finger blades! [starts to throw hands at Tucker]

Gary Bunda; [holds Troy] NO, NO, NO, NO, CALM DOWN!

Tucker:
WHOA! NO!

Gary Bunda:
I'm sorry for this man, okay. So we're gonna go calm down over there. We're gonna come back. I ordered some sweet potato fries.

Tucker:
Thank you.

– Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell (2013)

added by timothyj.29104
3 days ago

Liquor:
All weapons cock!

– 12 oz. Mouse (2005)

added by timothyj.29104
3 days ago

Producer Man:
OH! OH! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, MAN. [laughs] HOW AM I GONNA MAKE THE RECORDS? HOW AM I GONNA MAKE THE RECORDS? OOOOH, NOOO!

– 12 oz. Mouse (2005)

added by timothyj.29104
3 days ago

Mouse 'Fitz' Fitzgerald:
Listen, someone's here.

Liquor:
I hear it. My ears told me. My brain listens to my ears.

– 12 oz. Mouse (2005)

added by timothyj.29104
3 days ago

[Golden Joe shows a picture to Peanut that shows one of the eyeballs have a strange purple limb in a place of a leg]

Golden Joe:
I shot this on the street 10 minutes ago with my new camera, man. Check it out. It's got zoom, un-zoom, de-zoom, your mama zoom, zoom-zoom in the boom-boom, grandmama zoom. We got it all, man.

Peanut Cop:
You know what that means?

Golden Joe:
It means my album done come out, and I need to go record for it.

Peanut Cop:
It means that the code is unstable, and it's cloning itself in a bad way. [smirks] That's never good.

Golden Joe:
What's that jimbo-kanimbo mean, man?

Peanut Cop:
What's the jimbo-kanimbo? [wheezes] Golden Joe. [comes close to Joe] Never...stop...drinking.

– 12 oz. Mouse (2005)

added by timothyj.29104
3 days ago

[Golden Joe appears when Peanut Cop almost shoots him]

Peanut Cop:
Sorry, bro.

Golden Joe:
Damn, cuz! Is that you jibblin' of a hello? Because you know I don't need that, man.

Peanut Cop:
I thought you were an alien. [wheezes]

Golden Joe:
Damn, mug. Cool that smoke wagon before I shove it up your ass so far, you'll be kissing that bell till Christmas!

Peanut Cop:
Christmas! Oh, man, Christmas is cool.

– 12 oz. Mouse (2005)

added by timothyj.29104
3 days ago

Peanut Cop:
Who drank all this liquor? Me. [laughs] Stupid question. Me.

– 12 oz. Mouse (2005)

added by timothyj.29104
3 days ago

Producer Man:
I'm inside an elevator. [laughs] Buttons! [laughs] Buttons! [laughs]

[Producer Man starts to scream in agony]

Producer Man:
OH, WHAT A SUCK SONG! [bangs his head on elevator] SUCK! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK! YEAH DOWN! Excellent!

– 12 oz. Mouse (2005)

added by timothyj.29104
3 days ago

Man/Woman:
This is the best-smelling that I have ever smelled. This is also the best-smelling flower that I have ever picked.

[the moon suddenly show a face of a shark inside the moon]

Shark:
Eat the flower.

Man/Woman:
Women don't eat flowers.

Shark:
Eat it for him. [referring to Woman's Man side]

Man/Woman:
There is no him.

Shark:
There's about to be. Eat it.

[Woman eats the flower by turning they into Man]

Shark:
Straight A's on this one.

[Snake shows by]

Shark:
Hmm. Too late for you. I've go this one.

[snake breathes out fire]

Shark:
What is it, fire? Nobody cares about your fire. Wow. Don't do fire.

– 12 oz. Mouse (2005)

added by timothyj.29104
3 days ago

Human Citizens:
[singing] Where does the fire truck go? Go? Go? Where does the fire truck go? Go? Go? And when does the hand know? Know? Know? And when does the hand know? Know? Know?

[they suddenly got ran over and exploded by Shark's car]

– 12 oz. Mouse (2005)

added by timothyj.29104
3 days ago

Mouse 'Fitz' Fitzgerald:
Everybody go back to sleep. We need to rest for one more day.

Liquor:
We'll need more meat to sleep.

Mouse 'Fitz' Fitzgerald:
That's why I made these.

[Fitz shows them a blood pack bag with meat inside of it]

Liquor:
Ah, we knew you were smart.

[One of Fitz's friends inject their body with the meat to make them feel woozy and asleep]

Liquor:
Do weird dreams from the meat -- Uh...is that happening to...does that happen to you guys, uh?

Mouse 'Fitz' Fitzgerald:
Dreams? Shut them out.

Liquor:
That's what so interesting about them. [laughs] I can't. I can't.

[Liquor starts to dream a tombstone struggling to rise up in a graveyard]

Liquor:
You try, little guy. You try the hardest.

– 12 oz. Mouse (2005)

added by timothyj.29104
3 days ago

Rectangular Businessman:
It wasn't supposed to end this way.

Shark:
This is getting out of hand -- "Hand" being the operative word here.

Rectangular Businessman:
Finger do, finger won't, finger will, finger don't.

Shark:
What's that supposed to mean, that backward slow talk?

Rectangular Businessman:
It means you'll never find him.

Shark:
Well, I got the bug on it, so shut up and reload me.

– 12 oz. Mouse (2005)

added by timothyj.29104
3 days ago

[a human citizen walks to Shark's car]

Human Citizen #2:
A, B, C, D, E.

Shark:
What the ga?

Rectangular Businessman:
I think they've lost it -- Their program, that is. They're all going out of their minds.

Shark:
Make that not happen.

Rectangular Businessman:
[sighs] I'm tired of doing stuff for you. Am I getting paid?

– 12 oz. Mouse (2005)

added by timothyj.29104
3 days ago

Shark:
I'm gonna blow him away, all the way -- Away.

Rectangular Businessman:
If you can find him. Barely find your ass to clean it.

[Shark pulls out his one-gauge]

Rectangular Businessman:
Do it. Be somebody. Be somebody for the Great Red One.

– 12 oz. Mouse (2005)

added by timothyj.29104
3 days ago

Rectangular Businessman:
I told you I smelled fuel. I'm big into oil. I own lots of it, and I know what it smells like. It's rich-smelling. The smell itself spawns property and mansions.

– 12 oz. Mouse (2005)

added by timothyj.29104
3 days ago

Fitz's Wife:
You promised you wouldn't quit.

Mouse 'Fitz' Fitzgerald:
I know, but I can't quit.

Fitz's Wife:
Why not?

Mouse 'Fitz' Fitzgerald:
Just because if I quit, they'll kill me, and then they'll come and kill you.

Fitz's Wife:
Look, the car is packed. Let's leave here tonight. Let's leave before they come back.

Mouse 'Fitz' Fitzgerald:
But they've already sent the tie, and I've put it to my flesh.

Fitz's Wife:
We can be miles from here within the hour.

Mouse 'Fitz' Fitzgerald:
Ok, you're right. Let me go get my skates.

– 12 oz. Mouse (2005)

added by timothyj.29104
4 days ago

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