'Allo 'Allo!

[repeated line]

Ren?:
You stupid woman!

Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen:
Guards! Arrest all Gypsies driving fire engines.

Capt. Bertorelli:
Generalissimo, I embrace you.

[bearhugs von Klinkerhoffen to his extreme distaste]

Capt. Bertorelli:
Mussolini has given me a present for you: the Italian War Hero Medal.

[produces medal]

Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen:
Ah, the Italian War Hero Medal. I have never seen one of these...

[upon seeing Leclerc's latest disguise]

Ren?:
Man of a thousand faces, every one the same.

Officer Crabtree:
God Moaning. The resist-once have accqo-aired a bum. They are going to ex-plod the whaleway brodge.

Helga:
What about the good news?

Herr Flick:
The good news is there is no more bad news.

Ren?:
We will stick out like a carrot in an omelet.

Edith:
Listen carefully, Michelle said this only once.

Michelle Dubois:
Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once.

Ren?:
Well, in that case, could you please speak slowly?

Lt. Hubert Gruber:
You notice I am walking very gingerly.

Ren?:
Do not tell me you have dynamite in your trousers.

Lt. Hubert Gruber:
You should not believe everything you hear, Rene.

[repeated line]

Michelle Dubois:
Listen very carefully; I shall say this only once.

Edith:
Tonight I will sing as I have never sung before.

Ren?:
What, in tune?

Col. Von Strom:
Ah, Helga. What can we do for you?

Capt. Hans Geering:
Judging from past experience, very little.

[repeated line]

Capt. Bertorelli:
What a mistake-a to make-a.

[Rene is shaving in the bathroom when there is a knock on the door]

Yvette Carte-Blanche:
Rene, what are you doing?

Ren?:
Cutting my throat, my love.

[repeated line]

Roger Leclerc:
[lifts glasses] It is I, Leclerc.

[in order to save Ren? from the duel with Monsieur Alphonse, the colonel intends to have a military practice at the site and kill him in the crossfire]

Ren?:
I don't know, is it possible to just wound him?

Capt. Hans Geering:
With a 22mm shell, "just wounding" may be difficult.

Capt. Hans Geering:
Rene, your wife has many talents.

Col. Von Strom:
Singing isn't one of them.

[Maria has disguised the airmen as waitresses, so Ren? mimes to them that they must not go upstairs with the Germans]

Flying Officer Carstairs:
[turning to Fairfax] What was all that about?

Flying Officer Fairfax:
I think he means that if Hitler comes in and wants us to go upstairs with him, we're not to go.

Flying Officer Carstairs:
Is he like "that," then?

Flying Officer Fairfax:
Oh, yes.

Ren?:
[to the others] And they must not speak.

[Rene turns to the airmen and mimes that they must be silent]

Flying Officer Carstairs:
What does that mean?

Flying Officer Fairfax:
Well, if we do go upstairs with Hitler, we're not to tell anyone.

Flying Officer Carstairs:
Well, it's hardly the sort of thing you boast about, is it.

[repeated line]

Officer Crabtree:
Good Moaning.

[to Herr Flick and von Smallhausen]

Officer Crabtree:
Good moaning, Herr Flock. And von Smellhorsen.

[Officer Crabtree is standing inside the pissoir, using it, when it is demolished by Edith driving Lieutenant Gruber's little tank]

Officer Crabtree:
[climbing out of the rubble] There is obviously no piss for the wicked.

[the airmen have come downstairs, minus their mustaches, dressed as serving girls]

Flying Officer Fairfax:
Carstairs, you're standing like a tart again.

[Carstairs drops his arm to his side]

Edith:
[looking the airmen up and down] No one will suspect them. They look just like the staff.

Ren?:
Edith, the Germans *take* the staff upstairs from time to time. If they took these two upstairs, do you not think that their suspicions will be aroused?

Yvette Carte-Blanche:
We are much more attractive. They will take us.

Ren?:
And suppose there is a rush?

Flying Officer Carstairs:
What are they saying, Fairfax?

Flying Officer Fairfax:
I've no idea - it's all in French.

[the airmen have entered the cafe disguised as pallbearers, when a squad of Germans arrive]

Flying Officer Carstairs:
What's going on?

Michelle Dubois:
[English accent] Jerries. Keep quite or you'll be shot.

Flying Officer Fairfax:
[looking down] We're wearing the right clobber for it.

[repeated line]

Capt. Hans Geering:
[shouts] 'tler!

[Edith has devised a plan to help get the airmen to the P.O.W. camp via the graveyard]

Ren?:
Edith, if this plan fails, there will not be a wall in Nuvion big enough to shoot us all against.

Flying Officer Carstairs:
Look at my knees [lifts up his "skirt"]

Ren?:
Why is he showing you his knees?

Michelle Dubois:
He was a scrubber at ze nunnery.

Ren?:
No wonder they threw him out.

[to a member of the Communist Resistance]

Capt. Bertorelli:
You are a beyoodiful lyedee, but what a cow.

[Michelle is disguised as a window cleaner]

Ren?:
Hang on a minute. You have not finished my windows.

Michelle Dubois:
Screw your windows!

[repeated line]

Monsieur Alfonse:
Oh, my dicky ticker!

Officer Crabtree:
I was pissing by the door when I heard a shat.

Officer Crabtree:
I was pissing by the door, when I heard two shats. You are holding in your hand a smoking goon; you are clearly the guilty potty.

Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen:
Heil Hitler!

Officer Crabtree:
Hole Hotler!

Officer Crabtree:
My lips are soiled.

Yvette Carte-Blanche:
What is happening?

Maria Recamier:
We were both aroused by the banging.

Edith:
I too was aroused by the banging.

Roger Leclerc:
I was aroused when I saw the girls with the candles.

Monsieur Alfonse:
Perhaps Madame Edith will make me the happiest man alive...

Ren?:
I thought you wanted to marry her?

Herr Flick:
I have a box of sharp needles somewhere. [opens a drawer] Ah, here they are.

Helga:
What have you in mind, Herr Flick?

Herr Flick:
I have an excellent gramophone and many old records of Hitler's speeches. They are quite amusing.

Helga:
Hitler's speeches quite amusing?

Herr Flick:
Played at double speed, he sounds like Donald Duck.

[Hans has accidentally run over Herr Flick's car with a steamroller]

Herr Flick:
This is very serious! The Gestapo is only insured for third party!

Herr Flick:
[to the tune of the Hokey Pokey] You put your right boot in, you take your right boot out, you do a lot of shouting and you shake your fists about. You light a little smokie and you burn down ze town, zat's vot it's all about. Ah, Himmler, Himmler, Himmler...

[cut off by telephone]

Ren?:
[to wife Edith] Youuuuuu stupid woman!

[repeated line]

Ren?:
Oh, 'eck!

Herr Flick:
I will not be reporting this incident to Berlin. I do not wish to look a right 'nana.

Capt. Hans Geering:
Do you not see that if you kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, then you need not light the candle with the handle on the gateau from the chateau!

Ren?:
Simple plans are always the best.

Ren?:
But you won't shoot me?

Col. Von Strom:
That goes without saying.

Ren?:
I would feel better if you said it, just the same.

[repeated line]

Ren?:
[to Madame Fanny] You silly old bat!

Col. Von Strom:
[about Hitler] Do you think he has a screw loose?

Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen:
In my opinion, a whole Meccano set is falling apart in there!

Lt. Hubert Gruber:
Would you like to come for a ride in my little tank?

Ren?:
But if Herr Flick knows about that he will shoot me... slowly and painfully.

[Helga finds a tulip in her food]

Private Helga Geerhart:
What an interesting looking sauce.

Herr Engelbert von Smallhausen:
It is hollandaise.

Herr Otto Flick:
An unusual recipe, known only to Von Smallhausen and the inmates of the Amsterdam nuthouse.

[the British have just invaded occupied France. As General Von Klinkerhoffen is surrendering to the British Commander, he notices Lieutenant Gruber and Colonel Von Strohm trying to escape, dressed as British airmen]

General Erich von Klinkerhoffen:
[in German] Impersonating British Airmen! This may well be held against you!

Lieutenant Hubert Gruber:
[feigning a British accent] Sorry, old boy, don't speak a word of the lingo!

General Erich von Klinkerhoffen:
Nice try.

[Last Lines. Rene, stealing Lieutennant Gruber's car, is finally running away with Yvette, something he has been promising to do for the entire series run]

Edith Artois:
Rene! What are you doing with that serving girl?

Ren? Artois:
You stupid woman! Can you not see? I am eloping!

[Upon occupying Nouvion, the British commander presents Rene with a medal]

Major Twistleton-Smythe:
Ree-nee Ah-toys, in recognition of your daring work for the resistance, I'm empowered by his majesty, King George, to award you the MBF medal, or "Magnificent Brother of France."

Ren? Artois:
[Excited] Oh, Thank you!

Major Twistleton-Smythe:
[aside, to his 2nd in command] Don't tell him it really stands for "Mad Bloody Frog."

Officer Crabtree:
I have a mop. Would you like to take a leak?

Captain Hans Geering:
[Hans was last seen being catapulted over the fence of a German POW camp, disguised as a British airman. Now, the Colonel and the others are picking up a suspicious transmission on the radio in Lieutenant Gruber's tank] Hello? Hello? Hello?

Colonel Kurt von Strohm:
This is Colonel Von Strohm. Whose talking?

Captain Hans Geering:
Captain Hans Geering!

Colonel Kurt von Strohm:
Hans! Thank heavens you're safe! What happened to you?

Captain Hans Geering:
Um... The resistance took me away.

Colonel Kurt von Strohm:
[to Rene and the others] He's in the hands of the resistance. They'll be wanting a ransom. [Into the microphone] Hans, can you give us your present position?

Captain Hans Geering:
Uh... In the markets, overlooking Picadilly Circus [several corroborating background noises follow]

Colonel Kurt von Strohm:
What happened?

Captain Hans Geering:
I'm afraid the war is over for me, Colonel. The resistance mistook me for a British airman and sent me back to England.

Colonel Kurt von Strohm:
Then you must escape and get back here, as soon as possible!

Captain Hans Geering:
Um... That will not be easy, Colonel. You see, I do not have my spectacles.

Colonel Kurt von Strohm:
Hans, what am I going to tell the general?

Captain Hans Geering:
Well, um... tell him that the food is very good and the British think they're going to win. Over and out!

Colonel Kurt von Strohm:
Hans? Hans? [Stands fiddling with the radio knobs, but doesn't get a reply] Hans! [Realizing that his friend is gone for good] Hans... [credits roll]

Lieutenant Hubert Gruber:
Had it not been for you, Ren?, those Communist girls would have shot us out of hand. How can I ever express my gratitude?

Ren? Artois:
Just do not mention it to anyone, lieutenant. Especially if they are French.

Private Helga Geerhart:
Who would have the temerity to do such a wicked deed?

Herr Otto Flick:
Someone who hates me.

Private Helga Geerhart:
Everybody hates you.

[to Monsieur Leclerq]

Ren? Artois:
You are covered in cobwebs. Have you been standing still again?

[Ren? and Mimi are embracing each other]

Mimi Labonq:
I cannot hear your heart.

Ren? Artois:
That is because you are listening to my appendix.

[Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen are playing poker]

Herr Otto Flick:
How dare you try to bluff a senior Gestapo officer with a pair of tens? I have won.

Herr Engelbert von Smallhausen:
Am I allowed to see your hand, Herr Flick?

Herr Otto Flick:
No. You have lost. I get your Gestapo pen and pencil set.

[about Monsieur Alphonse, who they believe to be dead]

Herr Engelbert von Smallhausen:
Did he die under suspicious circumstances?

Herr Otto Flick:
I would hardly call an exploding bedpan an everyday occurrence.

Ren?:
Yvette, Maria, will you help this exceedingly ancient woman before she kicks the bucket in my caf??

[attemping to sell fish at the town square]

Herr Otto Flick:
I have the winkles, I have the winkles, alive, alive!

Herr Engelbert von Smallhausen:
I have the crabs, I have the crabs, alive, alive!

Capt. Bertorelli:
I can put-a you in the you-know-what and you not come-a out smell-a de roses!

Col. Kurt von Strohm:
You are combing your hair very nicely, Hans.

Capt. Hans Geering:
Thank you, Colonel. I see you have polished your head.

Col. Von Strom:
You are exceeding your authority. The Gestapo has no jurisdiction over senior officers of the German Army.

Capt. Hans Geering:
Or junior officers.

Ren?:
What about caf? owners?

Capt. Hans Geering:
They can do what they like with them.

Monsieur Alfonse:
[Ren? has returned to the caf? disguised as a resistance girl] Thank God he is safe. The bravest transvestite in all of France.

[Helga has come to the cafe to talk to Ren?, when a clattering noise is heard from outside]

Helga:
What was that?

Ren?:
Just the phantoms falling over the dustbins.

[Gruber has just warned Rene that Captain Bertorelli will be proposing to Edith, and Michelle tells her she must accept for The Resistance]

Captain Alberto Bertorelli:
I don't-a beat about the bush, Madame Edith.

Edith Artois:
[Resigned] I accept.

Captain Alberto Bertorelli:
I come here today to ask for your hand in marriage.

Edith Artois:
I accept.

Captain Alberto Bertorelli:
Together we have a wonderful-a time together! We go for walks in the moonlight! We kiss with the passion under the stars!

Edith Artois:
I accept!

Captain Alberto Bertorelli:
Then we come home, and count-a the takings from the till. I go on my bended knees, please say yes!

Edith Artois:
I already said yes, were you not listening?

[Von Smallhausen has been squashed by the bell of the church]

Herr Engelbert von Smallhausen:
I have a very sore head.

Herr Otto Flick:
That is the least of your problems. You have been squashed well below the minimum height required for members of the Gestapo.

Ren? Artois:
Excuse me, is this the secret hideout of the Gestapo?

Herr Engelbert von Smallhausen:
It was, until now.

[to a communist girl, while being disguised]

Ren? Artois:
Can't you see that I am my father?

Flying Officer Fairfax:
[speaking to Edith] Goee walkee, findee jerry, givee upee.

Flying Officer Carstairs:
She's not Chinese, you know.

[Michelle gave Ren? a suicide pill which he doesn't want to use]

Ren? Artois:
I am not taking this pill. Edith, help me!

Edith Artois:
I will get you a glass of water.

Col. Von Strom:
[to Ren?] If you do not get us the uniforms back, you will be shot!

Capt. Hans Geering:
Up against the wall, with guns.

Michelle Dubois:
To avoid suspicion, you will be disguised as a small boy.

Maria Recamier:
But why can't I be disguised as a small girl?

Michelle Dubois:
Because you *are* a small girl.

[first lines]

Ren? Artois:
My name is Rene, this is my cafe. But at the moment, my life is one big problem. You see, I have to be nice to the Germans. They are my customers, they are winning the war, so if I am not nice to them, they will shoot me. I have to be nice to The Resistance.

Edith Artois:
Otherwise they will shoot him for being nice to the Germans!

[his wife Edith leaves]

Ren? Artois:
I have to be nice to my wife because if she finds out I'm having an affair with Yvette, she will shoot me. If Yvette finds out I'm having an affair with Maria, she will shoot me. Now, Otto Flick, the Gestapo officer, is having dinner in the back room. Upstairs are two German officers in their underwear because I have borrowed their uniforms to help two British airmen to escape. The pianist over there is in fact a forger for The Maquis. And the German officer at that table...

[Camera pans over to Lt. Gruber, who smiles at Rene]

Ren? Artois:
...fancies me. And it is only Tuesday.

Officer Crabtree:
[Edith has just pretended to shoot two British airmen, dressed as hookers, and the given the gun back to Hans] I was pissing by the door when I heard two shats.

Officer Crabtree:
[Gesturing to Hans] You hold in your hind a smooking goon. You are clearly the guilty potty.

[Gruber has just warned Rene that Captain Bertorelli will be proposing to Edith, and Michelle tells her she must accept for The Resistance]

Captain Alberto Bertorelli:
[Bertorelli walks in] I don't-a beat about the bush, Madame Edith.

Edith Artois:
[Resigned] I accept.

Captain Alberto Bertorelli:
I come here today to ask for your hand in marriage.

Edith Artois:
I accept.

Captain Alberto Bertorelli:
Together we have a wonderful-a time together! We go for walks in the moonlight! We kiss with the passion under the stars!

Edith Artois:
I accept!

Captain Alberto Bertorelli:
Then we come home, and count-a the takings from the till. I go on my bended knees, please say yes!

Edith Artois:
I already said yes, were you not listening?

Col. Von Strom:
You must be very careful with the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies.

Capt. Hans Geering:
It is our retirement fund.

Col. Von Strom:
OUR retirement fund? I found it!

Capt. Hans Geering:
Yes. But I know about it.

Ren?:
May I tell you a little legend, Colonel? It is said that these champagne glasses were modeled on the bosom of Marie Antoinette.

Capt. Hans Geering:
They should have modeled them on Helga's bosom. We would have got a bigger drink.

Col. Von Strom:
If you will tell me the names of the Resistance leaders, I will see that you are protected.

Ren?:
Protected? Against who?

Col. Von Strom:
Me.

Ren?:
But, colonel, I do not know their names! They are mostly girls. They wear McIntoshes and little short white socks and berets like any other French girl. And they only reveal themselves at night.

Capt. Hans Geering:
Like any other French girl.

Col. Von Strom:
I wish I could get my hands on them.

Capt. Hans Geering:
We both do.

[the airmen are unhappy about being dressed as nuns]

Flying Officer Carstairs:
Fella keeps trying to chat us up.

Michelle Dubois:
[English accent] Didn't they suspect the moustache?

Flying Officer Carstairs:
If you think mine's big, you should see the Mother Superior's.

[inspecting the paintings of the Fallen Madonna]

Lieutenant Hubert Gruber:
This is an early van Klomp...

Herr Otto Flick:
How do you know?

Lieutenant Hubert Gruber:
When he was taller, he signed his paintings further up.

Officer Crabtree:
I have good nose.

Ren?:
Yes, you are very handsome...

Officer Crabtree:
The troon has been bummed by the RAF.

Ren?:
This is my wife, Edith. I have told her everything.

Michelle Dubois:
Will she talk?

Ren?:
Incessantly. But not about anything important.

[Herr Flick has arrived to see the Colonel]

Helga:
Do you have an appointment?

Herr Flick:
I am Otto Flick of the Gestapo.

Helga:
Oh, you don't need an appointment.

Ren?:
Good evening, Herr Lieutenant. What is your pleasure?

Lt. Hubert Gruber:
I would like a cognac, if you please?

Ren?:
Maria, cognac for the officer. If you would like to, eh

Lt. Hubert Gruber:
Why not, why not?

Ren?:
[Ren? puts down the cognac. Lt. Hubert Gruber reaches into his pocket and produces a cigar. Ren? mistakes Lt. Hubert Gruber for Leclerc] I - I - I expect you would like a light?

Lt. Hubert Gruber:
Thank you, you're very kind.

Ren?:
I have no matches.

Lt. Hubert Gruber:
Then why do you ask me if I would like a light?

Ren?:
I'm very sorry.

Lt. Hubert Gruber:
If you have no matches... if you have no matches, take mine. I have a spare box.

Ren?:
Are you one of them?

Lt. Hubert Gruber:
Well, it... it was very lonely on the Russian front.

Roger Leclerc:
A cognac, if you please?

Ren?:
Maria, a cognac.

Roger Leclerc:
[Roger Leclerc reaches into his pocket and produces a cigar. Lt. Hubert Gruber notices and lights Leclerc's cigar. Roger Leclerc to Ren?] Do you have a light?

Lt. Hubert Gruber:
What do you want a light for? I just lit it.

Roger Leclerc:
Well, I don't want a light, I just wondered... if he had a light.

Ren?:
I have no matches.

Lt. Hubert Gruber:
I've just given you some matches!

Ren?:
These are your matches! They're not my matches.

Roger Leclerc:
[to Ren?] Is he one of us?

Ren?:
No, he's one of them.

Roger Leclerc:
Please do not tell everybody!

Michelle Dubois:
[to Edith] Look, do not get sarcastic with me. You come and run the Resistance and I'll come and sing in the caf?, off the note.

Edith:
[outraged] How dare you!

[Fairfax and Carstairs are lying in Madame Fanny's bed]

Flying Officer Fairfax:
If the Jerries find us dressed in civvies, it would take a lot of explaining.

Flying Officer Carstairs:
If they found us in bed with each other, it would take even more explaining.

Flying Officer Fairfax:
Carstairs, are you a grammar-school boy?

Flying Officer Carstairs:
[shocked] How do you know?

Flying Officer Fairfax:
You're wearing your socks in bed.

Col. Von Strom:
Helga. How did you get up to that little window?

Helga:
I am standing on a peasant.

Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen:
Unfortunately the F?hrer has more confidence in his astrologers than in his generals. He is waiting for an omen to start the invasion.

[Mimi, dressed as a nun and attached to a kite, floats past the car.]

Col. Von Strom:
Would he regard a flying nun as a good omen?

Ren?:
Yes, we are both from Nancy. We're just a couple of Nancy boys.

Capt. Hans Geering:
Ren?, that is the jug with the drug.

Ren?:
After all that has happened, I could use a little aspirin.

[Rene has covered the g?teau for the Kaiser's birthday with sand]

Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen:
You fool, what do you think you are doing?

Ren?:
I did this in memory of the day that the Kaiser was buried.

Capt. Hans Geering:
Do you not see? That if you kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, you need not light the candle with the handle on the g?teau from the ch?teau.

Ren?:
Simple plots are always the best.

[Michelle regards the snooker table in the back room of the caf?]

Michelle Dubois:
What is the biggest break you've had on this table?

Ren?:
Just now, when my wife swallowed that story about the light bulb.

[Colonel von Strohm has complimented Madame Edith]

Ren?:
The Colonel is drunk early this evening.

[Von Klinkerhoffen has ordered the Colonel to woo Madame Edith]

Col. Von Strom:
How can I put this? I don't fancy her.

Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen:
Colonel, how can *I* put it? How do you fancy the Russian Front?

Capt. Hans Geering:
She's a good cook.

Col. Von Strom:
[starting to smile] Oh, yes. I'd forgotten that.

[Edith has suggested that Rene strap dynamite to himself in order to blow up the General]

Edith:
You will be buried as a great hero of France.

Ren?:
First you will have to scrape me off the wall.

Col. Von Strom:
[discussing the General] So far, he has only discovered the tip of the iceberg.

Capt. Hans Geering:
You haven't stolen a whole iceberg, have you?

[Colonel von Strohm reveals that he has discovered a plot by the Resistance]

Ren?:
Perhaps they were just trying to kill General von Klinkerhoffen

Capt. Hans Geering:
We're all trying to kill General von Klinkerhoffen.

[the airmen's call to England has been cut off]

Flying Officer Carstairs:
You never asked who won the Boat Race!

Flying Officer Fairfax:
Damm! I knew we called about something!

[Herr Flick has received the antidote to the poison from the dart intended to kill General von Klinkerhoffen]

Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen:
[Indicating Herr Flick] What is the matter with that man?

Private Helga Geerhart:
[pauses] He had the fish!

Michelle Dubois:
I have good news. Officer Crabtree has found the British airmen. They were hiding in the pig stay.

Edith Artois:
What about the smell?

Ren? Artois:
I expect the pigs got used to it.

Edith Artois:
Ren?, Michelle told me horrible news. Now, when I heard it I looked ten years older.

Ren? Artois:
You always look ten year older.

[Yvette has brought more hot water for Ren?'s bath.]

Yvette Carte-Blanche:
The old boiler is in a terrible state.

Ren?:
I do not know why I married her in the first place.

[Edith has just given another tuneless singing performance.]

Lt. Hubert Gruber:
Madame Edith has an unusual voice, Ren?. Was it trained?

Ren? Artois:
Oh, yes... But it escaped and returned to the wild.

[Von Klinkerhoffen accuses Flick and von Smallhausen of withholding information]

General Erich von Klinkerhoffen:
Clearly, you are giving us these ludicrous descriptions because you wish the Gestapo to take the credit for the capture of the Resistance people. I'm warning you; you'll be kept under very close observation. You will not be able to go to the bathroom without me knowing about it. Meanwhile, Berlin will be informed of your perverse antics and your recalcitrant demeanour, which has exacerbated the quid pro quo, vis-?-vis inter-departmental relationships.

Herr Otto Flick:
Come, von Smallhausen. To our dictionaries!

[Flick and von Smallhausen limp away]

Michelle Dubois:
We have lost Officer Crabtree.

Ren? Artois:
[looking extremely pleased] Congratulations.

[on telephone]

Herr Flick:
Flick the Gestapo.... No, I said *Flick*, the Gestapo!

Herr Flick:
Ten minutes is up. You may now come out of the corner. [Helga turns away from the wall and approaches the desk] Let that be a lesson to you. Never AGAIN will you burn my my toast.

Private Helga Geerhart:
Yes Herr Flick. May I sit.

Herr Flick:
Yes. [Helga sits] You may continue with your tea. I have kept your egg warm under the cozy. [Removes the cozy] .

Private Helga Geerhart:
You have a very kind streak in your nature.

Herr Flick:
I nearly failed my Gestapo exams because of it.

Private Helga Geerhart:
[Tapping her egg, which does not break] This has a very strong shell.

Herr Flick:
Hit it HARD with your spoon. They always break in the end.

Private Helga Geerhart:
You're looking pensive, Herr Flick.

Herr Flick:
I'm trying to decide what to do with you tonight.

Private Helga Geerhart:
I see.

Private Helga Geerhart:
I might take you to the movies.

Private Helga Geerhart:
What is showing?

Herr Flick:
Anything we like. [Helga looks disappointed] Or we could stay here and amuse ourselves. I have a box of sharp needles somewhere. [Helga looks horrified. Flick ducks down behind the desk] Ah. Here they are.

Private Helga Geerhart:
What have you in mind, Herr Flick?

Herr Flick:
I have an excellent gramophone, and many records of Hitler's speeches. They QUITE amusing.

Private Helga Geerhart:
Hitler's speeches quite amusing?

Herr Flick:
Played at double speed... He sounds like Donald Duck.

Ren? Artois:
Who ever heard of a short cut in a secret passage?

Good mourning?

Rene

Good mourning.

Crabtree

I am existed any chance of a cup of ciffee.