12 Men of Christmas

Will Albrecht:
Well, Ms. Baxter.

E.J. Baxter:
Mr. Albrecht.

Will Albrecht:
How 'bout that? We actually have something in common. We both go to the post office on Saturdays.

E.J. Baxter:
Hm. I imagine a lot of people do.

Will Albrecht:
Yeah, well, I'm sure you're right. Enjoying your day?

E.J. Baxter:
Hm. Just doing errands.

Will Albrecht:
Me too.

E.J. Baxter:
You'll be surprised to know that I haven't gotten lost once yet today.

Will Albrecht:
Well, it's not even noon yet, so... Yeah, Saturday mornings are all about errands for me, but then I always head to this little brunch place down the block.

E.J. Baxter:
Nice.

Will Albrecht:
Yeah. It's real nice. It's got great food.

E.J. Baxter:
Mmm. You enjoy yourself. Oh, do you know where the nearest Kinko's is? I never had a need to look before, but now since that calendar's *actually* happening, Jan and I can't do all the copying by ourselves. So...

Will Albrecht:
We don't have a Kinko's.

E.J. Baxter:
No Kinko's?

Will Albrecht:
No Kinko's.

E.J. Baxter:
How can that be? I thought there was a law that said there had to be a Kinko's on every corner, next to a Gap.

Will Albrecht:
We don't have a Gap either.

E.J. Baxter:
That's not even funny.

Will Albrecht:
But, I think there's one in Billings.

E.J. Baxter:
Well, I don't know where that is, but I need to go there. How close is it?

Will Albrecht:
Oh, it's not too bad. About ten hours, depending on the road conditions. Ain't it awful?

E.J. Baxter:
Mm. I'm not gonna be here forever, so don't worry.

Will Albrecht:
Oh, yeah, well, I'll try not to sweat it.

E.J. Baxter:
You know what? Just because I have a different way of doing things, doesn't make it wrong. It just makes it different. I get that you don't think I belong here. You have zero respect for what I'm trying to do, but you know what? I don't care. Not even remotely. And I get that you think that I act like I landed on the moon, but you don't have to tell me that because for the past six months, I felt like I've been living on another planet. So for the future, let's be polite and agree we disagree and leave it at that, shall we?

E.J. Baxter:
Oh, good morning, Mr. Albrecht. Can I get you some coffee?

Will Albrecht:
Uh, no thank you. Um, I just came by to tell you...

E.J. Baxter:
I'm glad you did. I don't think we should waste anymore time. You know, I realized before I left...

Will Albrecht:
The squad voted 'no'. But, uh, thank you for thinking of us.

E.J. Baxter:
What do you mean "no?"

Will Albrecht:
Well, we're funded through the county's inte...

E.J. Baxter:
In this economy, you're going to be waiting a long time...

Will Albrecht:
I know that. Which is why we supplement our fundraising with...

E.J. Baxter:
Pancake breakfasts? Bake sales? Even if the entire state of Montana had a bake sale, you still wouldn't raise enough money to - I'm sorry. Don't you want new equipment?

Will Albrecht:
What I *don't* want is to make a joke of the rescue squad.

E.J. Baxter:
Well, then explain something to me, because I'm obviously missing something.

Will Albrecht:
Yes, obviously.

E.J. Baxter:
Okay, so you don't mind being naked, but you won't pose even partially covered, to raise money for something you 'profess' to believe in?

Will Albrecht:
Why is this so important to you?

E.J. Baxter:
I was brought here to lure corporate retreats. People aren't going to spend money where they don't feel safe.

Will Albrecht:
Oh, so you're doing this for purely altruistic reasons? To help people you'll never see or think about again, as soon as you can get out of here. With no thought whatsoever on how this can benefit your own career.

E.J. Baxter:
That is so unfair on so many levels! You're saying it's bad if I look good?

Will Albrecht:
Shh! People will hear you. You might get knocked off your pedestal.

Jason Farrar:
You know what gets me? When people have no problem with graphic violence but are horrified by the slightest display of the human body. No wonder the rest of the world thinks we're nuts.

E.J. Baxter:
Mmm.

[points to Will across the street]

E.J. Baxter:
Speaking of the disapprovers.

Jason Farrar:
Ah, Will. He's a piece of work. You know what the thing is? We used to be best friends. We practically grew up together. Then, when his sporting goods stores became successful, he had a chance to help me get the job I really wanted, but instead, he made sure they didn't hire me.

E.J. Baxter:
Why?

Jason Farrar:
It was all about Will. Always has been, always will be. You know, he dumped his fianc?e the morning of the wedding.

E.J. Baxter:
Shut up.

Jason Farrar:
Yeah. No one really knows what happened, but it's bad enough she left town first thing.

E.J. Baxter:
Well, she's better off.

Jason Farrar:
You know, the point is, life is too short. Now, I don't let Will disrupt my happiness and neither should you.

Jan Lucas:
Hey, Eric.

Eric:
Hey, Jan. Hey, E.J...

E.J. Baxter:
Hey.

Eric:
Uh, we had some extra Kalispell calendars down at the bank, and I though before we trash them, maybe you could use them here at the tourist board.

Jan Lucas:
Sure.

Eric:
Great. So, E.J., uh, how are you settling in? If there's anything you need... moving stuff, or, whatnot...

E.J. Baxter:
Thank you. You're all so friendly here. Do you all know each other, or are you just members of the same cult?

Eric:
No, we - we just try to be nice.

E.J. Baxter:
Weird.

Jan Lucas:
I'm taking E.J. out for drinks later on, maybe you'd like to join us?

Eric:
I would - oh, I mean I would. We got a squad meeting down at the rescue station.

Jan Lucas:
No biggie. We'll do it another time.

Eric:
Yeah, absolutely. Another time. [awkward silence]

Jan Lucas:
Thanks for the calendars.

Eric:
Oh, right. Yeah. So, have a great day. Bye.

E.J. Baxter:
Bye.

Henry Diepeveen:
[E.J. gives him a basket of muffins] E.J., you did not have to do this.

E.J. Baxter:
Well, it's my way of saying thank you, Henry. I would've never gotten Rick without your help.

Henry Diepeveen:
Well, thank you. I appreciate it.

E.J. Baxter:
Just don't eat too many before the shoot. Uh, so as far as convincing Andy and Jim. I know they're brothers, so I was thinking of taking them to dinner and...

Henry Diepeveen:
Together?

E.J. Baxter:
Yes.

Henry Diepeveen:
Trust me. You do not want to do that.

E.J. Baxter:
Why don't I?

Henry Diepeveen:
Because they're not gonna listen. They're gonna spend the whole time trying see which one's gonna get the waitress's phone number.

E.J. Baxter:
Have they always been like that?

Henry Diepeveen:
Ever since Little League. When they were on the same team, they would strike out every time, but when they were playing against each other, suddenly they were hitting grand slams.

E.J. Baxter:
I think I can work with that, but just in case they still won't pose, do you think you could threaten to arrest them?

Henry Diepeveen:
I can't do that.

E.J. Baxter:
Club them into submission?

Henry Diepeveen:
Sorry.

E.J. Baxter:
Stun gun?

Henry Diepeveen:
Not gonna happen.

E.J. Baxter:
Yeah, well, it's worth a shot.

Will Albrecht:
What did I expect, you know, this calendar's making everybody nuts.

Eric:
Did you hear what Jan did to Bob? She caught him eating a doughnut, she grabs it out of his hands and says, "The idea is to sell the calendars." I don't know. Jan's never been so bossy before.

Will Albrecht:
Well, she's never hung around with E.J. before.

Eric:
I'm thinking of asking Jan out.

Will Albrecht:
Well, now, I mean, if you know what you're getting yourself into. Just don't expect her to act any different once E.J. leaves town. Of course, if Jan doesn't go with her.

Eric:
You're probably right. Anyway, it was just an idea.