Around the World in 80 Days

Lord Kelvin:
Well done, Salisbury! I shall name a beef-based entrée after you in your honor.

Steamer Captain:
You had me at the nipples.

Phileas Fogg:
Here comes Mr. Grumpy... and the Leather-ettes.

Monique La Roche:
Where's your proof?

Lord Kelvin:
This is the Royal Academy of Science! We don't have to prove anything!

Lord Kelvin:
What's this obstruction blocking my jade reserves? This will certainly have to be demolished.

Lord Salisbury:
But that is the Great Wall of China sir!

Lord Kelvin:
...It's not that great.

Phileas Fogg:
I am a British Citizen, I have nothing to fear!

Phileas Fogg:
... except bullets.

Lord Kelvin:
What's the point in hiring a corrupt inspector when he can't even abuse the Law properly?

Colonel Kitchener:
Sir, I have an urgent announcement for you. Here.

Lord Kelvin:
Well, don't just stand there, man, read it.

Kitchener:
[opens a sheet of paper and reads from it] It is...with great...distress...that Scotland Yard announces...that the Bank of England...has been robbed.

[cut to Lord Kelvin's office]

Lord Kelvin:
MY STOLEN JADE BUDDHA, STOLEN! YOU BLIGHTER! YOU GAVE ME EVERY ASSURANCE THAT THE BANK OF ENGLAND WAS IMPENETRABLE!

Kitchener:
Sir, sir, I said "impregnable"–

Lord Kelvin:
IT'S THE SAME THING, YOU IDIOT!

Kitchener:
PLEASE, NOT THE QUILLS!

[Kelvin starts attacking Kitchener with quills]

Lord Kelvin:
LORD SALISBURY! Please contact General Fang and inform her: "No Buddha, no deal."

General Fang:
[appearing in the door] To forego your obligation would be dishonourable, Lord Kelvin.

Lord Salisbury:
A woman? In the Royal Academy?

General Fang:
The Jade Buddha was successfully delivered by us to the Bank of England. What happens while it's in British hands-

Lord Kelvin:
Is absolutely YOUR CONCERN! Colonel Kitchener, Chief of Scotland Yard, please inform General Fang what other items were stolen from the Bank of England.

Kitchener:
Nothing else.

Lord Kelvin:
[walks up to Fang] Exactly. Seems your little land dispute has spilled over onto our noble shore. Until the Jade Buddha's back in my possession, you and your cause will receive no British military assistance whatsoever. Kitchener?

General Fang:
[as she walks away] My agents will retrieve the Jade Buddha once again, Lord Kelvin. This time, do not let it slip through your fingers.

[Kelvin gets angry and throws a quill at Fang, who catches it in a fan before throwing it back into a painting]

Phileas Fogg:
Gentlemen, today I have proven that man can break the 50 mph speed barrier without disrupting his internal organs.

Lord Kelvin:
Where is your Royal Academy of Science authorization?! Oh, what am I thinking? What a fool. That would mean that you are a real scientist!

[Everyone laughs]

Phileas Fogg:
By your definition, Kelvin, a real scientist's objective would be to prevent man from progress.

Lord Kelvin:
We live in a golden age, Fogg. Everything worth discovering has been discovered. Yet ridiculous dreamers like you insist on a past filled with "dinosaurs" and "evolution" and on a future filled with "motorized vehicles", "radio waves" and "flying machines".

Colonel Kitchener:
[marches into the room] Confound it! The bloody Bank of England is a madhouse!

Scientist #1:
[whispers in Passepartout's ear] Rumour has it that it was a foreigner, an Asian chap.

[The whisper passes on]

Scientist #2:
Yes, I heard it was a Chinese fellow and he acted alone.

[Passepartout whispers again.]

Lord Rhodes:
Uh, no, actually, they say he was Norwegian.

[Passepartout whispers again.]

Scientist #3:
In fact, it was a gang of elderly Norwegians.

Scientist #4:
Yes, I heard from a very reliable source that it was a gang of red-headed elderly Norwegians with very tiny feet.

[Everyone laughs, especially Passepartout]

Phileas Fogg:
Well, if you ask me, it's about time someone robbed that bank.

[Everyone gasps in anger.]

Phileas Fogg:
Like this very institution, the Bank of England is outdated!

Lord Kelvin:
As usual, Fogg, your contempt for tradition is appalling.

Phileas Fogg:
You rest on your "traditions" if you prefer, but as with this bank robber, progress waits for no-one.

Lord Kelvin:
Oh. So now you're an expert on the bank thief as well? Give us the benefit of your "ineffable wisdom", Fogg.

Phileas Fogg:
[gets out his pocket watch] Twenty-six minutes ago, a ship left Dover for Paris. From there, the thief takes the Orient Express, where he transfers to a steamer from Istanbul to India. In little over a month, that man could be in China.

[Passepartout thinks for a moment]

Lord Salisbury:
If we're to believe Fogg's "calculations", he will have circled the globe and returned to England in a fortnight!

[Everyone laughs, even Colonel Kitchener.]

Phileas Fogg:
Actually, by my calculations, it would be closer to...exactly 80 days.

[Passepartout whispers in a scientist's ear, who passes it on, until it reaches Lord Kelvin.]

Lord Kelvin:
Outstanding idea.

[Passepartout smiles.]

Lord Kelvin:
Well then, Fogg. Let's see you circumnavigate the world in 80 days.

Phileas Fogg:
I...That would be a fruitless use of my time. I'm on the verge of...numerous, countless...scientific breakthroughs. [Turns to go]

Lord Kelvin:
You coward! Admit it, it cannot be done.

Phileas Fogg:
[stops and wheels round] It CAN! I can do it.

Lord Kelvin:
A wager. £10,000!

Phileas Fogg:
Unlike you and your colleagues, money does not inspire me.

Lord Kelvin:
I believe every man has his price. Even you, oh noble Phileas Fogg. There must be something I could offer that would be worthy of your time.

Phileas Fogg:
There is. Your position as head of the Royal Academy.

[Chattering begins]

Phileas Fogg:
With the Queen's ear, I could lead Britain and the rest of the world into a new age of progress and discovery.

[Everyone begins laughing]

Lord Kelvin:
Fair enough.

Lord Salisbury:
What?

Lord Kelvin:
I, Lord Kelvin, hereby vow to surrender my position as Minister of Science, to Phileas Fogg...if he can circumnavigate the globe... in no more than 80 days. But if he cannot, he must never set foot in the academy again, he must tear down that abhorrent eyesore he calls a laboratory, and he must swear... never to invent again.

[Phileas is taken aback by this vow, not knowing what to say]

Lord Kelvin:
Just as I always suspected, Fogg. You promise so much, yet you deliver... oh, nothing!

[More laughter]

Phileas Fogg:
[quietly] I'll take your wager.

[The room goes quiet]

Lord Kelvin:
What did you say?

Phileas Fogg:
I'LL TAKE YOUR WAGER!

[Chattering again]

Lord Kelvin:
Then it's done. A man who has never set foot out of England, circling the globe. This is going to be rather amusing!

Phileas Fogg:
[roller-skates up to Kelvin] History won't remember your amusements, Lord Kelvin. But it'll be hard-pressed to forget the moment I'm standing on the very top step of the Royal Academy of Science...

[Big Ben strikes noon]

Phileas Fogg:
...by the strike of noon...

[Passepartout smiles]

Phileas Fogg:
...after I, Phileas Fogg, have traveled around the world in 80 days!

Phileas Fogg:
I risked everything, my entire life's work.

Passepartout:
For something you believe in. Nothing could make more sense than that, sir.

[Fogg smiles for a moment]

Phileas Fogg:
You're an honourable man, Passepartout, but I'm afraid this was a calamitous lapse of judgement.

[Passepartout turns around and sees a painting of Fogg's family]

Passepartout:
Mr Fogg, maybe we should let your family--

Phileas Fogg:
There really is no one left to tell. This house and my inventions are all I have.

Passepartout:
And a brave new French valet that will help you make it around the world in 80 days.

Phileas Fogg:
You really believe we can succeed?

Passepartout:
Yes.

Phileas Fogg:
Yes! YES... You're mad, we'll be sliced to pieces before we reach India.

[After Inspector Fix's failed first attempt to stop Fogg]

Lord Kelvin:
Dang that nincompoop, Fix. What's the point in hiring a corrupt police officer if he can't even abuse the law properly?! Kitchener!

Colonel Kitchener:
Sire?

Lord Kelvin:
Tell Inspector Fix to pack his bags, he's going on a little trip.

[Looking at paintings in an art school]

Phileas:
That painting is highly inaccurate.

Monique:
It's not supposed to be accurate. The artist views reality through imagination rather than simply recording it. It is called impressionism.

Phileas:
Well, um, I'm not "impressed". Trees are not violet, grass is not charcoal, and a man cannot...

[He is silent for a moment, gazing at Monique's painting of a nude man beside a bird in the sky]

Phileas:
...fly.

Monique:
You feel something. You dream of flying. Or of naked men.

Phileas:
Sometimes.

Monique:
[smiling] Ah.

Phileas:
[stammering] The flying! N-N-Not the men.

Scientist #1:
[walks into the room with a piece of paper] Sir, I've received a telegram from Inspector Fix.

Lord Kelvin:
Aha!

Scientist #1:
According to him, the bank thief and Fogg's valet are the same man.

Lord Kelvin:
That numbskull Fogg doesn't even realize he's transporting the bank thief!

Lord Salisbury:
Or does he? He did leave town in quite a hurry, wouldn't you say, Lord Rhodes?

Lord Rhodes:
Indeed, Lord Salisbury. Evading arrest, stealing a police vehicle...sounds rather incriminating to me.

Lord Salisbury:
One can almost deduce that this entire bet was just a ruse to facilitate his escape. Don't you agree, Lord Kelvin?

Lord Kelvin:
Yes. Brilliant, Lord Salisbury! I shall name a beef-related entree after you in your honour! Kitchener?

Colonel Kitchener:
Sire?

Lord Kelvin:
Inform your men at Scotland Yard that Phileas Fogg is WITHOUT A DOUBT THE MAN WHO ROBBED THE BANK OF ENGLAND!

Colonel Kitchener:
Yes, sir.

Lord Kelvin:
Where are they now?

Scientist #1:
They're taking a train across India from Bombay to Calcutta.

Lord Rhodes:
Thank goodness we own India.

Lord Kelvin:
I want their faces posted in every police station, army barracks, post office, railway station and outhouse in India! WE'RE GOING TO STOP FOGG AND GET MY JADE BUDDHA BACK BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!

Phileas:
[about the goat that ate his paper] Please keep that inconsiderate beast away from me! And refrain from ridiculous anecdotes.

Indian Child on the train:
Why do you not like his story, Mr. Frog?

Phileas:
It's Fogg. Phileas Fogg. How could a man learn to defend himself by watching animals behave like... animals?

Monique:
It is famous legend.

Phileas:
A ridiculous legend.

Monique:
Most legends are born from truth.

Phileas:
Yes. But all truths are born from facts. Solid, tangible facts that can be calculated and written down on paper.

Monique:
And then eaten by a goat. [all the children laugh]

Indian Child on the train:
Mr. Feelsillious, when I tell the story of the man who circled the entire world in 80 days, would that not be a legend?

Phileas:
[chagrined] Only if the man's name was Feelsillious Frog...

[The children laugh again]

Passepartout:
Time to go. They seem to think we robbed the Bank of England.

Phileas:
That's preposterous! This is merely a desperate attempt by Lord Kelvin to impede my journey! I am a British citizen, I have nothing to fear! [hears shots being fired] Except bullets.

[Monique, Phileas and Passepartout are disguised as women in India]

Phileas Fogg:
I feel faint.

Monique La Roche:
Phileas, women are not that weak.

Phileas Fogg:
No, but I am.

Chained Agent:
Give me the Jade Buddha!

Passepartout:
Okay, okay...What's Budd-air? [knocks the agent out]

Phileas:
They'll check all trains heading east. Even if we could make it to the coast, we can't sail into Singapore or even Hong Kong, as they're both British colonies.

Monique:
Does England own everything in Asia?

Passepartout:
Not China. Not yet.

Monique La Roche:
[just after Philieas has discovered the truth and is leaving] Don't let him go. He'll be lost by midnight. Go.

Phileas Fogg:
[outside, surrounded by thugs with swords to his neck as Passepartout finds him] More of your relatives, I suppose?

[A man is screaming in Chinese in the jail cell with Fogg, Passepartout and Monique who are also locked up]

Phillias Fogg:
What's he saying?

Passepartout:
He's saying "please let me go, I'm bored".

Phillias Fogg:
Why is he in prison?

[Passepartout asks the man the question in Chinese, The man replies in Chinese]

Passepartout:
Urinating in public.

Phillias Fogg:
Charming. At least he had the decency to be forthcoming about it. Is there anything you've told me that's even remotely true?

Passepartout:
I really can sing. [sings Frere Jacques]

Phileas Fogg:
Alms? Alms for the poor?

San Francisco Hobo:
Arms? You've already got arms. It's money you need.

Phileas Fogg:
Wonderful; I can't even scrounge properly.

Passepartout:
[in the warehouse, seeing the Statue of Liberty under construction] That's a big man.

Monique La Roche:
It is a lady. A French lady.

Phileas Fogg:
[turning to see General Fang and her henchmen] She looks like an evil Chinese warlord to me.

General Fang:
Your journey has caused quite a stir, Mr. Fogg. But I'm afraid it ends here.

Passepartout:
Leave them alone, Fang. This has nothing to do with them.

General Fang:
On the contrary, Lau Xing. Lord Kelvin and I have made new arrangements to conquer Lanzhou. Unfortunately for Mr. Fogg, they entail his... permanent detour.

Colonel Kitchener:
It's Inspector Fix! My goodness! He made it round the world before Fogg!

Inspector Fix:
[with a battle-weary voice] I came back from India the short way, you ninny!

Lord Kelvin:
I take it you don't have Phileas Fogg in that valise?

[Inspector Fix looks in his bag, then shakes his head]

Lord Kelvin:
A little Jade Buddha, perhaps?

[throws Inspector Fix out of the window with his luggage.]

Inspector Fix:
Out of me way! I used to be somebody important!

Lord Kelvin:
Should've thrown him through a higher window. [walks down to Fix and two more officers] Get rid of this buffoon!

Fix:
[fed up] Buffoon, eh? Is that the thanks I get for GOING HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD TO STOP FOGG FOR YOU, EH?!!

[everyone gasps after hearing this]

Monique La Roche:
He also sent an evil Chinese warlord to kill Phileas Fogg!

Fix:
That's right! He did!

[Everyone gasps again]

Kelvin:
LIES! ALL OF IT!

[everyone scoffs at this]

Kelvin:
Kitchener!

Colonel Kitchener:
Yes?

Kelvin:
TELL THEM!

Kitchener:
Uh, well...the thing of it is–

Kelvin:
You mumbling moron! Salisbury, please translate Kitchener's incoherent blather.

Lord Salisbury:
I...he...I... Yes, yes.

Kelvin:
Rhodes!

Lord Rhodes:
Uh, the thing of it is, I don't want to make a fuss about it...

Kelvin:
YOU SPINELESS CRETINS!!

[Kightener, Salisbury and Rhodes are finally fed up with Kelvin's bullying nature]

Kitchener:
[steps forward] That man stuck me with quills! BUNCHES OF THEM!!

Salisbury:
YES! Lord Kelvin's a bully!

Rhodes:
It's true! I hate to admit it, but I'm a battered Lord.

[Everyone gasps again]

Kelvin:
[scoffs] Oh, boo-hoo! So what if I did try to kill Phileas Fogg? What are you gutless peons going to do about it?! I hold all the power! I run everything! So which of you halfwits is going to stop me?! You?! You?! You?!

Young girl:
The Queen!

Kelvin:
The Queen? [laughs] Oh, the Queen! That inbred, antiquated, old cow!

[Queen Victoria shows up behind him, looking unamused.]

Kelvin:
The only way she could stop me is if she sat on me! With her big, fat, royal bottom! [laughs again, then looks nervous] She's behind me, isn't she? [turns around and bows] Your Majesty, I have just apprehended the culprits who robbed the Bank of England.

Monique La Roche:
[outraged] No, majesty, no!

Inspector Fix:
[outraged] Rubbish!

[Everyone starts protesting.]

Queen Victoria:
QUIET!

[Everyone stops.]

Queen Victoria:
I love being able to do that. So, Lord Kelvin: unsportsmanlike conduct, attempted murder...trading my arsenal for Buddhas.

Kelvin:
How did you know about that?

[The Queen looks up and winks. One of Kelvin's aides, revealed to have snitched on him about his deal with General Fang, winks back and waves.]

Queen Victoria:
Admit it – you've been a very naughty boy, haven't you?

[Everyone nods while Kelvin shakes his head in fear.]

Kelvin:
Your Majesty, I assure you there is an explanation for all of this. What it was...I was...I was simply...

[runs away]

Queen Victoria:
[scoffs] Why do they always run? Arrest him!

[Kelvin runs into several Scotland Yard officers, who place him in a police wagon.]

Kelvin:
Get out of my way, you fools! UNHAND ME! DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I'll kill you!! I'LL HAVE YOU FOR THIS, FOGG!!!

[The wagon drives away]

Monique La Roche:
I'm sorry, Phileas.

Phileas Fogg:
Don't be, my cheri. I saw the world. I learnt of new cultures. I flew across an ocean. I wore women's clothing. [The crowd murmurs in amusement] Made a friend. [Passepartout smiles] Fell in love. [Monique smiles] Who cares if I lost a wager?

Queen Victoria:
I do! I've got 20 quid riding on you!

Phileas Fogg:
Your Majesty, it has gone 12 noon.

Queen Victoria:
[smiling] Correct. Which gives you 24 hours remaining.

Monique La Roche:
Could we have miscounted?

Passepartout:
No. I moved Mr. Fogg's watch ahead one hour as we passed each time zone.

Phileas Fogg:
The international date line. We set our watches forward at 24 time zones, so... here, it's still day 79.

Monique La Roche:
So we've...

Phileas Fogg:
[amazed and delighted] WE'VE WON!

Passepartout / Lau Xing:
We are not giving up! I almost died! You almost died! We take the next ship and win that bet!

Phileas Fogg:
Twenty-six minutes ago, a ship left Dover for Paris. From there, the thief takes the Orient Express, where he transfers to a steamer from Istanbul to India. In little over a month, that man could be in China.

Phileas Fogg:
[about Passepartout hitting buildings and statues of Paris while hanging on the rope of the balloon] Very impressive. I'd have let go by now.

Phileas Fogg:
This is what happens when you leave home. You meet... people!

Phileas Fogg:
[after drinking too much Chinese liquor] I am going to be abominably ill.

Phileas Fogg:
I travelled the world for inspiration, and found it in a man who lives what he dreams.

Phileas Fogg:
[upon seeing General Fang's knife shoe embedded in his red book of rules] Yes, well... rules are made to be broken. Or... stabbed by a... spikey shoe.

Monique La Roche:
It's not supposed to be accurate. The artist views reality through imagination rather than simply recording it. It is called impressionism.

Lord Kelvin:
And with this draft to develop new applications for copper wire, Dr Ramsey invented this. [displays a Slinky made of copper, then starts speaking with a dark voice] Needless to say, the Royal Academy of Science declared this crackpot "mentally incompetent" and he was duly dispatched to a lunatic asylum.

Lord Kelvin:
[referring to General Fang] A female General?! What sort of pathetic man takes orders from a woman? [The camera pans out to show a picture of Queen Victoria]

Lord Kelvin:
We live in a golden age, Fogg. Everything worth discovering has been discovered. Yet ridiculous dreamers like you insist on a past filled with "dinosaurs" and "evolution", and on a future filled with "motorized vehicles", "radio waves" and "flying machines".

Lord Kelvin:
This is the Royal Academy of Science! We don't need to prove anything! Besides, by the time you get out of jail, you'll have lost this wager.

Lord Kelvin:
Oh, boo-hoo! So what if I did try to kill Phileas Fogg? What are you gutless peons going to do about it?! I hold all the power! I run everything! So which of you half-wits is going to stop me? You?! You?! You?! [Little girl: "The Queen!"] The Queen?! [laughing] Oh, the Queen! That inbred, antiquated old cow! [as Queen Victoria arrives behind him, looking unamused] The only way she could stop me is if she sat on me! With her big, fat royal bottom! [laughs more, then stops nervously] She's behind me, isn't she?