Ask That Guy with the Glasses

Ask That Guy With the Glasses:
This is That Guy With the Glasses saying, there's no such thing as a stupid question, until *you* ask it.

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Ask That Guy With the Glasses:
That's a very good question.

Ask That Guy With the Glasses:
Oh hello, I didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy with the Glasses.

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Ask That Guy With the Glasses:
With onions.

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Ask That Guy With the Glasses:
Yes.

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Ask That Guy With the Glasses:
Hamster jelly.

Narrator:
Are you gay?

Ask That Guy With the Glasses:
No, I'm German.

Narrator:
Why is lemon juice artificially flavored, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Ask That Guy With the Glasses:
Because I'm Batman.

Nostalgia Critic:
Good God, how much porno does he have? [realizes he's on camera] Oh, um, hi. Um... hi.

Narrator:
[reading question] Would you join me in magic adventures on my pony unicorn - which can drill into the ground with it's penis - to the center of the Earth?

Nostalgia Critic:
What the HELL kind of question is that? Um... I don't know.

Narrator:
[reading question] Why does hair grow on my hands?

Nostalgia Critic:
I don't know!

Narrator:
[reading question] How would I go about taking over the world?

Nostalgia Critic:
Ah, now this one I can help you out with... I'm not telling you.

Nostalgia Critic:
Oh, what's he say? There's no such thing as a stupid question... I can't say that's true. You've clearly proven that wrong.

Nostalgia Critic:
I don't even know how I got here. I should be reviewing The Land Before Time... 24 or something.

Nostalgia Critic:
Okay, look, um... I don't know what kind of sick, sick people watch this show, but this is seriously creeping me out. I mean, why don't you ask some real questions, like, how are we going to fix the economy? Is there any proof that any god of any religion actually exists? Those are the real questions. I mean, what's this sh*t about dead kittens? What, are you f***ing crazy?

Narrator:
[reading question] I suffer from a great depression, and I don't want to live anymore. But I don't have the courage to commit suicide. Will you please kill me by shooting me in the head with a hand gun?

Ask That Guy with the Glasses:
Certainly. [grabs gun; walks out of house, down the street, enters another house where he shoots a man then comes back to his own house and back to the set] By the way, where do you live?

Bennett the Sage:
[coming in] Holy sh*t, this is a nice house.

Ask That Guy With the Glasses:
Why Sage... I thought I killed you.

Bennett the Sage:
I got better.

Ask That Guy With the Glasses:
Oh. How did you get in here?

Bennett the Sage:
Broke in. By the way, you need a new window.

Narrator:
[reading question] Why is it that on Christmas we put up trees in the living room? Aren't trees for outside?

Ask That Guy With the Glasses:
Yes they are, and you know what else is good for outside? Illegal immigrants. Now I know what you're thinking: you're a horrible person. Yes. And I know what else you're thinking: what does that have to do with Christmas trees? Well while you keep the trees outside, you can also use illegal immigrants to trim them and keep them nice. Unlike them.

Narrator:
[reading question] Who would win in a fight? Santa Claus or Saint Nicholas?

Bennett the Sage:
You see, Santa Claus and Saint Nicholas are actually the same person. Now I know what you're thinking: how can they be the same person? Multiple Personality Disorder. See, Santa Claus is the jolly old elf who we all love and gives presents to all the good children. Saint Nicholas, on the other hand, is a complete a**hole. Saint Nicholas loves to put glass in orphan's food. Oh yes, and every Halloween when children come up to his door to trick or treat, he punches them in the face... and sodomizes them.

Narrator:
[reading question] Was Jesus Christ circumcized?

Ask That Guy With the Glasses:
Well, the answer to that is...

Bennett the Sage:
No, he didn't have a penis.

Ask That Guy With the Glasses:
He didn't?

Bennett the Sage:
No, of course not. Would God have a penis? He wouldn't have a vagina either. You know what He has? Something called a brenno. It's a type of genitalia that is neither penis nor vagina. You ever get your penis inside of it, you can neither go to Heaven nor Hell.

Bennett the Sage:
Now I know what you're thinking: smitten. Isn't that just an anagram for mittens? Yes, it is!

Narrator:
[reading question] I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus under the mistletoe last night. How should I punish that filthy, cheating whore?

Bennett the Sage:
Well, you punished her already by being born, but if you want another, more delicious method, I know several you can choose from. You can hang her by her wrists over a bottle of bleach and force-feed her gallons upon gallons of water until she has to piss. Now the thing about hanging her over a bottle of bleach is that bleach has chlorine in it, and her piss has... what is it, arsenic? What was... oh, ammonia. Now when the ammonia mixes with the chlorine, it produces a special kind of gas known in World War I as mustard gas. So while she's debating with herself whether or not she should let herself go and have a very, very painful death, her bladder will swell and with the many hours spent in this unbareable torture, she will know the nature of your pain! [screams] PAIN!

Narrator:
I'm afraid to ask this one...

Bennett the Sage:
ASK IT!

Narrator:
Okay, okay. [reads question] Why do Jewish people get 8 presents on Chaukkah?

Bennett the Sage:
Because those filthy Jew bastards are ruining the economy. See, the Jews planned 9/11, and when 9/11 happened, they plundered underneath the World Trade Center and they grabbed all the gold in the vaults with their little Jew hands. Just like in Die Hard, my favorite Christmas movie.

Ask That Guy With The Glasses:
[is asked "what will you be getting me for Christmas?"] How about a Hummel?

Hummel Figurine:
My Babushka is made out of your childhood hero!

Ask That Guy With The Glasses:
That or a gift card.

Chester A. Bum:
Aah! Who are you?

Narrator:
I'm the narrator, you idiot.

Narrator:
Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Ask That Guy With the Glasses:
Well, I think so, Brain, but where are we going to find rubber pants our size?