Baywatch Nights

Mitch Buchannon:
[voice-over] Having two partners isn't always easy. Especially when one of them is an independent woman with her own methods of solving things.

Garner Ellerbee:
City cellular transmission site 881. That thing up there is a cell phone antenna.

Ryan McBride:
Well those things are all over the city.

Garner Ellerbee:
And there's gonna be a lot more of 'em. Beepers, cell phones, portable fax machines, and those little, uh, computers the UPS guys carry around?

Ryan McBride:
Right.

Garner Ellerbee:
They all use low-power radio and lots of antenna.

Ryan McBride:
[after Mitch catches her rehearsing for going undercover] Okay, so, now we both know I can't cut it as one of these phone sex bimbos. I sound like Mister Ed with asthma.

Mitch Buchannon:
[laughs] Actually, I thought you sounded kinda sexy.

Ryan McBride:
[cynical] Oh, yeah, go on. [perking up a little] Really?

Mitch Buchannon:
Really.

Sarah:
There have been numerous parapsychological events in this location. Strange unexplainable lights that suddenly came on in the middle of the night. Water leaks where there are no pipes. Cold spots so intense that frost forms on the walls.

Mitch Buchannon:
Bet the owners loved that, huh?

Diamont Teague:
[lighting a candle] They left. The building, with the restaurant downstairs and the living quarters upstairs, was sold.

Ryan McBride:
[taking a candle] Well how quaint, Teague. Think you might want to pay the power bill before we get in here?

Diamont Teague:
The electricity hasn't worked since the owners [pause] left.

Sarah:
Yet, experts say the everything is in perfect working order. Simply won't function.

Ryan McBride:
The thing that fascinates me about this place. It's just so...

Sarah:
What?

Ryan McBride:
Well, dilapidated. And empty. There's nothin' here. Except for that. [points to a portrait on the wall]

Sarah:
The picture.

Ryan McBride:
Yeah. Why? I mean, she's a very pretty and, and sad woman. Obviously this is not some cheap reproduction. Yet.

Sarah:
I'm not sure I see your point.

Ryan McBride:
I'm just saying, this picture's gonna mean something to someone, it's gotta have some personal value.

Sarah:
So, if you're taking out everything of value...

Ryan McBride:
Why leave it?

Ryan McBride:
If I call Mitch, at three o'clock in the morning, to tell him that I had a bad dream, I'll never hear the end of it. [lies down, sits up again] If I don't call him, I'll never get back to sleep.

Mitch Buchannon:
Oh, God, I know the world's round! Cats always land on their feet! Clinton doesn't inhale, what else!

Diamont Teague:
Have you ever heard of the Knights Templar?

Griff Walker:
Yeah, in Sunday school. Protectors of the Holy Grail.

Diamont Teague:
That's how they got started. But things have changed.

Griff Walker:
To what?

Diamont Teague:
In order to preserve themselves, they got involved in what controls the world. Politics and finance. With that came power. Power corrupts.

Griff Walker:
Are you telling me a group of guys who used to be in the Crusades are controlling the world?

Ryan McBride:
[looking around Nights, where redecorators are hard at work] What is this? What's going on?

Donna Marco:
Oh, I'm making some changes.

Ryan McBride:
Well you just did a whole makeover!

Donna Marco:
Oh that was the big stuff. But we both know, if you want it to fly, you gotta accessorize.

Ryan McBride:
Uhh, I wonder, Paul, could you, kind of get to the point, I...

Paul Whitset:
The point, yes. Uh, well, I have a mistress. I, I suppose that's what you would call her. But I say the word "mistress," it seems wrong, it sounds seedy and vile. Joy - that's her name, Joy - is none of that. She's really quite wonderful. I love her. More than I thought I could love anyone. In this turmoil, she's been my haven.

Garner Ellerbee:
Well, I, I still don't understand. What's the problem?

Paul Whitset:
I think she's gonna kill me.

Medical Examiner:
You remember how I was telling you I was having this problem when chicks find out that I cut up people for a livin'? Well I, I've got a new approach.

Ryan McBride:
Yeah? What was in his stomach?

Medical Examiner:
Lunch. Hot dog. Chili fries.

Ryan McBride:
How long between the time when he ate and when he died?

Medical Examiner:
Oh, 'bout an hour, give or take. You know, um, I, I have a whole new method now. I tell 'em what I do, but I make it sound like Tales from the Crypt. Very mysterious, very macabre.

Ryan McBride:
What, and this works?

Medical Examiner:
Hey, it has done wonders for my social life.

Medical Examiner:
You're still my dream, McBride.

Ryan McBride:
[to herself] Keep dreaming.

Mitch Buchannon:
You know, Lou, Eddie is a damn good lifeguard. There's no way he'd miss a rescue. I'm just trying to make some sense of what happened on the boat.

Lou Raymond:
Hey, Mitch, check it out. At the time of the murder, the killer is completely whacked out. Nothing he does makes sense or is rational. And then you come along a couple a days later, you tryin' to make sense out of somebody else's craziness. See what I'm talkin' about?

Garner Ellerbee:
First the gym, then sailboarding, then a massage and manicure, and hanging with his buds at the yacht club. Tough day. Hm, boy I tell ya. Where's he goin' next, to get his Rolex polished?

Mitch Buchannon:
Are we a little cranky today?

Garner Ellerbee:
Boy, that kid doesn't have a silver spoon, he's got a silver shovel.

Mitch Buchannon:
You know, everyone in that group looked like world class skaters to me.

Ryan McBride:
Mm, the term is inline skaters.

Garner Ellerbee:
They weren't in line.

Mitch Buchannon:
[voice-over] In any business, who you know sometimes makes the difference between success and failure. It's pretty much the same in the PI business with one exception. The who of who you know tend to be, how should I put it, colorful.

Garner Ellerbee:
I told you, the boy's a knucklehead. His mother's been buying him out of trouble all his life.

Mitch Buchannon:
I think she's a good mom. She just started fifteen years too late.

Garner Ellerbee:
[laughing] If brains were leather, that boy couldn't saddle a flea.

Mitch Buchannon:
[voice-over] Years on the beach have taught me to recognize a potential victim before they go in the water. You wanna stop them before they get in too deep. It's called making a prevention. But the second I saw her, I knew she wasn't the type I could prevent from doing anything.

Mitch Buchannon:
Can I do anything to help, Ryan?

Ryan McBride:
[in front of her overheated car, its hood open] Yeah, you can hail me a cab.

Mitch Buchannon:
[laughs] Hail you a cab? Uh, they don't cruise the waterfront for fares.

Ryan McBride:
Oh, that's right, I forgot. This is LA. Mass transit is a three-man boogie board.

Mitch Buchannon:
Right back where I started. You know I have been looking for you all night?

Ryan McBride:
All night? Really? I'm touched. Look, Mitch. Go back to your sunscreen and cut-offs. We shared some beautiful gunfire together, but I don't need a guardian angel, and I can't stand a worrier.

Mitch Buchannon:
[voice-over] There's not much difference between being a lifeguard and a private eye. Both have to deal with sharks. I drove Ryan to her motel, but the sharks had already ripped the place to shreds.

Mitch Buchannon:
[voice-over] The difference between being a lifeguard and a private eye is that a lifeguard has to spot trouble and respond. Private eye gets hired by someone who's already in trouble. Either way, a stranger's life is suddenly in your hands. Unfortunately, private eyes can't always spot the victims as easily as lifeguards.

Garner Ellerbee:
[Willie Logan has just exited the office after hiring the firm to find his "dad." He's lied about his mother] Huh. She's sick. In bed.

Ryan McBride:
At Auntie Em's house.

Mitch Buchannon:
This isn't Kansas, Toto.

Garner Ellerbee:
Hurry on down to Merv's Car Town, one oh five...

Ryan McBride:
South Firestone, yeah. What's the deal?

Garner Ellerbee:
Bogus little booger.

Ryan McBride:
[as they chase Willie] Don't let him get away!

Mitch Buchannon:
I'm not letting him, he's doing it all by himself!

Ryan McBride:
[She and Mitch pause before leaving the Child Protective Services office] You know, may I just...

Mitch Buchannon:
Be my guest.

Ryan McBride:
hank you. [They turn back to Miss Belda, the CPS agent] The child is not just a burdensome case file, nor is he troublesome. He's just a scared little boy that got lost in a bad shuffle. And he, along with everyone else on the planet, except for you, wants to be loved by everybody else. Am I done?

Mitch Buchannon:
Doesn't feel like it.

Ryan McBride:
Mm. You, Miss Belda, are a sourpussed, constipated, and I hope that is your only excuse for acting like this, butthead.

Mitch Buchannon:
There. All done.

Mitch Buchannon:
[searching a dark tunnel for Ryan and Willie] Flashlights always remind me of that movie, E.T. Remember? The guy with the keys in the woods?

Garner Ellerbee:
Ugh, don't talk about movies.

Mitch Buchannon:
Why not?

Garner Ellerbee:
'Cause I just saw Jurassic Park. Scared me to death.

Mitch Buchannon:
Jurassic Park's not a scary movie. Invasion of the Body Snatchers, that's a scary movie.

Garner Ellerbee:
Will you stop talking about scary movies?

Mitch Buchannon:
What are you, scared?

Garner Ellerbee:
I'm not scared. I'm trying to focus on a calm place, a babbling brook, a park or something.

Mitch Buchannon:
Jurassic Park.

Mitch Buchannon:
[to Diamont, who is wearing a tailored suit] I don't think you're dressed for the beach.

Diamont Teague:
What do you know about witchcraft? Incantations. Things that go bump in the night.

Mitch Buchannon:
I met Linda Blair once.

Jed:
So. What's it gonna be? [Mitch opens his mouth to answer] Besides me, that is. A long weekend, tiptoeing through the tulips, smelling the rosebuds? I love rosebuds.

Ryan McBride:
Jed. Get fried, Jed.

Jed:
Missing the best weekend of your life.

Ryan McBride:
[to Mitch] You know, in the past four months since I've been here, he hits on me every single time I come in.

Mitch Buchannon:
[Jed stumbles into the fryer, plunging his hands into the oil. Mitch leaps over the counter to help him] Easy, easy, c'mere. [to Ryan] Call 911, huh?

Ryan McBride:
[reads from the Grimoire] Hear me, oh mighty ones! Hear my words and heed their meaning! Return to the abyss from which you rose! We who summoned you recant our calling! Depart to your realm and remain there forever!

Mitch Buchannon:
[waits for the chaos to die down, then gently takes the Grimoire from Ryan] You, uh, you want to get a cup of coffee?

Ryan McBride:
[meekly] Okay, yeah.

Mitch Buchannon:
Little girl was scared to death. Breaks your heart.

Ryan McBride:
Yeah, I know.

Mitch Buchannon:
Alright, what can we do?

Ryan McBride:
Well, we can see if we can help locate the mother. I mean, we do have the only witness. And besides, finding missing people is one of the things we do.

Mitch Buchannon:
You know why I like you?

Ryan McBride:
[smiles] Absolutely.

Donna Marco:
[approaching her pool table, which has been taken over by potential troublemakers] Hi guys! Mind if I join you?

Jack:
[wide-eyed] Not at all.

Donna Marco:
So, you havin' a good time?

Jack:
It's better now that you're here.

Donna Marco:
Know I heard a vicious rumor.

Jack:
Really?

Donna Marco:
That some guys are going around bashing bars and generally acting like idiots.

Jack:
[innocently] We heard about those guys.

Donna Marco:
Hmm. Well. It's not gonna happen here.

Mitch Buchannon:
Just what I wanted to be doing on a Saturday afternoon.

Ryan McBride:
We could pretend it's a date.

Mitch Buchannon:
Which one?

Ryan McBride:
Like it matters.

Mitch Buchannon:
Sure it does. I mean, there's certain things you don't do on the first date that you do on, uh, maybe the fifth.

Ryan McBride:
Well then let's pretend it's our first.

Papa Doc:
Really. You come into my church, my space. You interrupt my ceremony. What do you do that makes you so brave?

Mitch Buchannon:
I'm a lifeguard.

Papa Doc:
Lifeguard. And you? [he points his staff at Ryan]

Ryan McBride:
Hm, me? Uh, I'm just with him.

Papa Doc:
You have a wonderful light.

Ryan McBride:
Okay, uh, can we get outta here please before this gets outta hand?

Ryan McBride:
You know, I don't think a couple aspirin are gonna help you out. There's a lot more going on here than we want to admit.

Mitch Buchannon:
You don't think Voodoo Man had something to do with it, do you?

Ryan McBride:
C'mon, Mitch. We interrupt a Voodoo ceremony last night, you come to work hallucinating, there's chicken bones and blood at the base of your tower. Yeah. I think we need to go talk to Teague.

Madame Trudor:
Have you ever heard of the Curse of the Mirrored Box?

Ryan McBride:
No, but I like it.

Madame Trudor:
It's a good one.

Ryan McBride:
[pointing a paintbrush at the office wall] Ecru!

Garner Ellerbee:
Beg your pardon?

Mitch Buchannon:
Ecru! It's a vegetable.

Garner Ellerbee:
That's okra.

Mitch Buchannon:
[voice-over] Destiny says she saw the lady from Scotland strangled. She wasn't physically there. She was psychically there. Okay. It's weird. But who knows? I mean, there are some things we just can't explain. Hobie got an A in algebra. Nobody can explain that.

Garner Ellerbee:
Repressed memories?

Destiny Desimone:
Sally Jessy Raphael!

Garner Ellerbee:
Sally Jessy had repressed memories?

Destiny Desimone:
No, she did a show about people who did.

Garner Ellerbee:
I didn't see that one.

Destiny Desimone:
I have it on tape.

Ryan McBride:
Oh my God, why did I leave New York?

Destiny Desimone:
Empathics.

Mitch Buchannon:
Right, empathics. You can do that, can't you? [Destiny nods] Destiny, that's a gift.

Destiny Desimone:
More like a curse. It's just so confusing, you know? I just, I've decided to keep my brain empty of all thoughts.

Mitch Buchannon:
Well, if anyone can do that, you can.

Destiny Desimone:
Thanks, Mitch.

Mitch Buchannon:
She's so scared, she won't read tarot cards anymore.

Ryan McBride:
Well then, she can read the bumps on people's heads.

Mitch Buchannon:
You know, I got an idea.

Ryan McBride:
I don't think I wanna hear it.

Mitch Buchannon:
I think we should hire Destiny.

Ryan McBride:
I knew I didn't wanna hear it.

Mitch Buchannon:
No, I'm not kidding here. Now, she figured out the files, she exorcised the phone system. She can cook.

Ryan McBride:
Mitch. Tofu isn't a food. It's a fungus. I mean, come on, I like the girl, but work with her? Over my dead body.

Mitch Buchannon:
So people go into this thing, what you call it?

Ryan McBride:
It's called a vortex.

Mitch Buchannon:
Vortex. And it's in Sedona.

Ryan McBride:
Yeah, and it's up this great mountain trail.

Mitch Buchannon:
People go into this thing and they, uh, never come back, right?

Ryan McBride:
Well, not everyone who goes in.

Mitch Buchannon:
But, but some.

Ryan McBride:
Five.

Mitch Buchannon:
Five. Five people have gone into this vortex and have not come out and this is where you want me to take my vacation.

Mitch Buchannon:
I do like the desert.

Ryan McBride:
Oh great! So you'll go! When?

Mitch Buchannon:
Well, I've got time off in a couple weeks.

Ryan McBride:
Oh, Mitch, you're gonna love this place. It's in the mountains, and it's near this Indian burial ground, and you go into these caves, they have all these paintings on the walls that date back thousands of years, and there're all these legends about spirits...

Mitch Buchannon:
[interrupting] You know how I feel about boogety boogety.

Ryan McBride:
Yeah, but, you'll change your mind. I guarantee it.

Griff Walker:
So, great. You call me down here to chase a Viking. Not that it bothers me, because I don't get calls like that all the time, but [pause] where do we start?

Ryan McBride:
So, um, where did you find them?

Dr. Lancaster:
A long dormant volcano erupted in Iceland.

Ryan McBride:
I read about it. It's called Loki.

Dr. Lancaster:
Right.

Ryan McBride:
Named after the Norse god who was the father of lies.

Dr. Lancaster:
It causes massive shifts in the ice. Entire new glaciers were cast out into the ocean.

Ryan McBride:
And somehow your associates just happened to stumble across it?

Ryan McBride:
I'm not kidding. There are crazy people out there.

Diamont Teague:
You think more than usual.

Mitch Buchannon:
[huffs] Guys, it's Los Angeles. People are crazy everywhere. It's in the culture. People expect it.

Diamont Teague:
People can expect a certain amount. It's a given in any society. But what happens when another variable comes into the equation?

Mitch Buchannon:
Then those people should move to Wichita.

Ryan McBride:
What are you gettin' at?

Diamont Teague:
You read the papers. Watch the news. There's been an escalation of so-called incidents over the last few days. And there'll be a lot more to come.

Ryan McBride:
Incidents?

Diamont Teague:
Unexplained confrontations. Violent behavior for no reason. Rioting, looting, erratic behavior.

Mitch Buchannon:
It's the Santa Ana winds. People always go nuts when the winds kick in

Ryan McBride:
Yeah, and you can throw the full moon in there as well.

Mitch Buchannon:
Few minutes later and that guy woulda been well done.

Diamont Teague:
Maybe that was the intention. Ryan. This man that you saw, this stick that he was waving. Was it long and narrow with a separate piece twirling above it?

Ryan McBride:
Yeah!

Mitch Buchannon:
Oh, don't tell me, you know what it was.

Diamont Teague:
The land that we're heading to. Before the Conquistadors it belonged to the Yuki Indians.

Mitch Buchannon:
Yuki who? No footprints, remember.

Diamont Teague:
Maybe it was a spirit.

Ryan McBride:
Oh great, guys, that's, that's comforting.

Ryan McBride:
Mitch, do you think Teague's alright?

Mitch Buchannon:
Oh, God, you amaze me. I'm descending into Hell, and you're worried about Teague.

Mitch Buchannon:
[voice-over] To catch a gigolo, I decided to become a gigolo. So I worked out a little harder that week, borrowed some serious threads, copped an attitude, and voila. Now Ryan, she was gonna be my sexy, but oh so innocent target.

Garner Ellerbee:
[over the phone] Listen, Mitch. I need some help tracking down Bobby Bahama. Is Ryan busy?

Mitch Buchannon:
[over the phone] Yeah, yeah, she's tied up on the gigolo case.

Garner Ellerbee:
Come on, can't she break loose for a couple of hours?

Mitch Buchannon:
Uh, sorry partner. No can do. Um, how about Destiny?

Garner Ellerbee:
Aw give me a break. Look she's a sweet kid, but her elevator does not go all the way to the top.

Mitch Buchannon:
So, uh, what are you gonna let this guy do, huh? Hit a couple doubles, maybe blast a grand slam or what?

Ryan McBride:
Well, he is pretty hot. He's got such a cute little...

Mitch Buchannon:
Like I said, how far are you gonna go with this game, kid?

Ryan McBride:
Well, I don't know, Mitch. I mean, as far as I have to. This is a job. I'm a professional. Do we have some sort of problem here?

Mitch Buchannon:
No. No. No problem at all.

Ryan McBride:
What are you doing?

Mitch Buchannon:
What do you mean, what am I doing? What was that all about?

Ryan McBride:
Was what?

Mitch Buchannon:
The kiss.

Ryan McBride:
What, what about it?

Mitch Buchannon:
What do you mean what about it? It's a little over the top, don't you think? He was slobbering all over you.

Ryan McBride:
I'm a professional. I can handle a little slobber.

Mitch Buchannon:
That was a lot of slobber.

Ryan McBride:
Can we talk about something else, please?

Mitch Buchannon:
[voice-over] There are many differences between being a lifeguard and being a PI. Lifeguards run on sand. PIs run on everything. I realized that as I chased after a boardwalk con man we've been staking out all day. You know, John Lennon once said, and it's a wise proverb too, that life is what happens when you're busy making plans. I didn't plan on meeting a beautiful woman during a fistfight.

Mitch Buchannon:
Meritorious Moose? Bogart is hired to find the Maltese Falcon and we're hired to find a Meritorious Moose?

Garner Ellerbee:
Partner, a gig's a gig. Now what's this all about with you and Cindy?

Mitch Buchannon:
Well, she said I wasn't in touch with my feminine side.

Garner Ellerbee:
Your what?

Mitch Buchannon:
My feminine side!

Garner Ellerbee:
Well she's right. Most men aren't.

Mitch Buchannon:
Yeah, how do you know that?

Garner Ellerbee:
Sally Jessy Raphael!

Garner Ellerbee:
You think Duncan did this?

Mitch Buchannon:
I don't know, but there's one way to find out.

Ryan McBride:
We could just set a trap and have one of the impersonators do Dahlia.

Mitch Buchannon:
Got it.

Garner Ellerbee:
Yeah, but which one? They're all scared to death.

Mitch Buchannon:
Yeah. [Ryan smiles wide at Mitch] What?

Ryan McBride:
He's a little tall. [Garner nods] Nice legs, decent voice. Not great, but not bad.

Mitch Buchannon:
What?

Garner Ellerbee:
Hm. Might even help him get in touch with his feminine side.

Ryan McBride:
Okay, that rules out shark attacks, being hit by a boat. I don't know, what else is there?

Diamont Teague:
Ryan?

Ryan McBride:
Teague, what are you doing here?

Diamont Teague:
I'm very interested in the disappearance of lifeguards.

Diamont Teague:
Twins. Romulus and Remus. The founders of Ancient Rome. When Romulus was murdered, his spirit avenged his death and protected his twin brother.

Ryan McBride:
Spirits attacking lifeguards in the ocean. You want me to call and see if there've been any reports on that?

Mitch Buchannon:
Two lifeguards, same week? Uh-uh. That's no accident. Somebody's after lifeguards. See you at the office.

Ryan McBride:
What are you looking at?

Mitch Buchannon:
You.

Ryan McBride:
Why?

Mitch Buchannon:
Well, I'm, um, I'm kinda proud of you. I mean, you're all wet. I thought you hated the ocean.

Ryan McBride:
I do. It's not safe out there.

Mitch Buchannon:
No, not completely. That's why they call it the ocean. Hell, if it were safe, I'd be out of a job.

Ryan McBride:
John, this is fascinating. How did you get the conal refraction?

John:
Uh, uh, unintentional genius.

Diamont Teague:
What is this, some sort of phase disturbance?

Ashley:
That's what we were trying to determine, when it happened.

Mitch Buchannon:
What happened? What's the big deal?

John:
The, uh, time anomaly.

Mitch Buchannon:
What's that in English?

Ryan McBride:
It's a baby's teething ring. [Ryan hands Mitch a rubber duck] Humans were here. You know what, I think we're in a parallel universe. [Mitch rolls his eyes] No, it's a world like ours, running right next to us, in another dimension.

Mitch Buchannon:
[skeptical] Okay.

Ryan McBride:
Whether you believe it or not, this is what we're dealing with here. We came through a portal. Jonathan called it a time anomaly. It's another place, but the same time.

Mitch Buchannon:
[picking up an old newspaper] I think we're in the future.

Ryan McBride:
Oh yeah, Mitch, the future's really gonna look like this.

Mitch Buchannon:
You know what else I think? All this was caused due to a sudden breakdown in the ozone layer.

Ryan McBride:
Nice theory. Doesn't help.

Mitch Buchannon:
And that the entire west coast, from San Diego up to Seattle, burned up.

Ryan McBride:
Mitch, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of.

John:
God, what is the matter with me? Why must I hurt the people that I'm closest to?

Diamont Teague:
Don't beat yourself up. You're a scientist. An explorer. Your purpose is to go beyond the limits. To test the areas unknown to others. That can be dangerous. But with that comes responsibility, to finish what you've started. Now, you've done this. Now solve the problem.

Ryan McBride:
Mitch, um. [pause] I love you.

Mitch Buchannon:
I know you do.

Ryan McBride:
Oh no, don't start getting cocky on me now.

Griff Walker:
[jogging with Ryan] C'mon, let it burn.

Ryan McBride:
I don't wanna burn. I wanna be cool. No, I wanna H?agen-Dazs.

Ryan McBride:
This woman that they took in for questioning. I - ugh, I can't say this. It's so nuts.

Mitch Buchannon:
Well, you got my attention. What are you talking about?

Ryan McBride:
Um, okay. She was wearing gloves. [pause] No, that's not it. Um, I'm sorry. Uh, there was blood on her nightgown. No, that's not it either. No.

Mitch Buchannon:
Ryan.

Ryan McBride:
I, okay, um, okay. The jogger. The jogger died because someone cut into his pulmonary vein. That vein carries the richest, most oxygenated blood throughout the entire body.

Mitch Buchannon:
So?

Ryan McBride:
So. Right. So what? So. When the woman was leaving with Detective Korris, there was a reflection of him in the mirror, nothing of her. Mitch, she wears gloves. In California. In August.

Mitch Buchannon:
What! What! What are you saying?

Ryan McBride:
I'm saying that I think she's a vampire.

Ryan McBride:
Um, okay, uh. Let's go this way.

Rosie:
No no, baby. I make it the other way.

Pantalone:
Oh, you wanna go? Go ahead. Go. Go your way.

Doretha:
Hell, I work here, and I don't even know.

Ryan McBride:
Guys, come on, we just gotta stay together, okay?

Rosie:
No. Chantal and me, what we gotta do is save our pretty little butts.

Chantal:
Yeah. You wanna stay here and like swap spit with a vampire, that's your turn on.

Mitch Buchannon:
Back off, bat woman!

Mitch Buchannon:
You know how to play this game?

Ryan McBride:
Well, no, not this game specifically. It's not D&D or Myst but they're all kinda similar.

Mitch Buchannon:
And, uh, people always disappear in these games.

Ryan McBride:
No. Now, that's new.

Ryan McBride:
Alright, uh, there's only one arrow left. And we're gonna need it. With the stakes of the game getting higher, the adversaries are going to be more and more formidable.

Mitch Buchannon:
Like what?

Ryan McBride:
Well, like, if we defeat a wild dog, then comes a bear. And if we defeat the bear, then comes a lion. And if we defeat the lion, then there's no tellin', there's probably a dinosaur walkin' around in here.

Ryan McBride:
Um, I, I don't like these games anymore.

Mitch Buchannon:
Yeah, but you're the game freak, okay. Which way do we go and what do we do? Come on, tell me.

Ryan McBride:
I, I don't know, I, I don't see anything anymore.

Mitch Buchannon:
Well, see a little harder, will ya?

Ryan McBride:
You don't have to yell at me.

Mitch Buchannon:
I'm not yelling.

Ryan McBride:
You are yelling.

Mitch Buchannon:
I'm not yelling!

Ryan McBride:
You are now.

Ryan McBride:
[drunk on champagne and Dramamine] Mitch. Can I ask you a question?

Mitch Buchannon:
[sober and making coffee] Anything.

Ryan McBride:
How long have we been working together?

Mitch Buchannon:
A while.

Ryan McBride:
Can I ask you another question?

Mitch Buchannon:
Sure.

Ryan McBride:
How come you never ripped my clothes off?

Mitch Buchannon:
Uhm, heh heh, uh Ryan, you know, it's the nineties. Men just don't go around ripping women's clothing off without permission. You want me to rip your clothes off, you have to ask.

Donna Marco:
[to Griff, who can't make his rent] You're three months behind. Look, it's tight for me, too. No matter who says what about my so-called sugar daddy, I still have to make this place work.

Ryan McBride:
Look, I don't understand how you can be so calm about this. We've lost a fish here.

Mitch Buchannon:
The fish was dead before we lost him.

Ryan McBride:
Which brings me to another subject. Why did he die?

Mitch Buchannon:
Probably loneliness. Which is why, in case you haven't noticed, there are no other fish in the tank. Whenever any fish, anywhere in the world, wants to die, he comes here for his last swim.

Ryan McBride:
So he had to be charming, he had to strike some nerve to trap these women. And now Donna is the female version of Kempler?

[the doctor nods]

Ryan McBride:
Well, I got news for you gentlemen. Donna can have almost any man she wants. She's not gonna have any problems picking up guys.

Donna Marco:
[on speaker phone with Mitch] Oh. Oh, it's so pretty up here. It's so pretty. Mitch! Mitch, are you there?

Mitch Buchannon:
Yeah, Donna, hey, uh, how are ya? How are you feeling?

Donna Marco:
Mitch, I have somebody with me. I think I'm gonna kill him!

Mitch Buchannon:
[voice-over] Have you ever stopped to think about some of the things we do to survive? Survival is primal, and we do what we have to. But sometimes, we cross over the line. Which is exactly what happened to me and Garner when we took an undercover case at a fast food restaurant that had been robbed five times.

Garner Ellerbee:
[Garner's car has just broken down. A young woman pulls over and approaches him] Hey. [laughing self-consciously] Hi.

Summer:
Hello. Car trouble?

Garner Ellerbee:
[sighing] Yeah, one of those days.

Summer:
Ahh, I've had those. [looking at Garner's chicken costume] Masquerade party.

Garner Ellerbee:
Actually, I'm on my way home from work.

Summer:
Really? Uhh, you're a professional chicken?

Garner Ellerbee:
[laughing] No, I'm a private investigator. Uh, undercover job, a stakeout.

Summer:
At the coop? [laughs]

Garner Ellerbee:
[laughing] Y'know, you're funny. I like that.

Summer:
So are you. So do I.

Garner Ellerbee:
Well, you know. Birds of a feather.

Summer:
[offering her hand] I'm Summer.

Garner Ellerbee:
[shaking her hand] I'm Garner.

Summer:
I'm an attorney. Do you need one?

Garner Ellerbee:
Uh, well no, but, um, I don't suppose you feel like picking up a little... chicken on the way home?

Summer:
Well, hop in. I just love a man in a fowl mood.

Ryan McBride:
They're never gonna release his brother from prison.

Lou Raymond:
Or give this fool a million dollars.

Mitch Buchannon:
Either way, they're gonna kill us.

Ryan McBride:
Oh that's very comforting, Mitch, thanks.

Mitch Buchannon:
You know, some people think the beach closes after the sun goes down. Uh-uh. That's when it really starts to heat up.

Mitch Buchannon:
Hey, kid. How's the tarot card reading business?

Destiny Desimone:
Bummer. I'm totally thinking about quitting.

Mitch Buchannon:
Aww, no future in reading futures?

Destiny Desimone:
How would I know?

Mitch Buchannon:
[voice-over] Ryan McBride grew up in Texas and got her PI license in New York. Y'know, women can really complicate your life, especially if you're partners with one. It's an explosive combination. Trust me.

Ryan McBride:
You're right in the middle of a major girl thing. Let's trade. You go outside, and do your guy thing.

Mitch Buchannon:
Oh, come on, they're professionals. They don't care.

Ryan McBride:
I do.

Destiny Desimone:
Oh, butthead!

Ryan McBride:
I beg your pardon?

Destiny Desimone:
The password, for the computer. You know, what's the password, butthead? It's butthead. Kinda cute, huh?

Mitch Buchannon:
[voice-over] I believe destiny always leads to trouble. I don't mean destiny as in fate, or the future. I mean a slightly bubbleheaded person named Destiny Desimone. Garner and I got a panicky call from her as we finished an all night stakeout. This time, Destiny did have something to do with fate. As in fatal.

Destiny Desimone:
It was my bad karma, not Mitch's.

Garner Ellerbee:
Yeah, but why did your bad karma have to rip my new jacket?

Mitch Buchannon:
You're talkin' about a ripped jacket? I'm bleedin' to death here.

Garner Ellerbee:
Man, that's a flesh wound. It'll mend, this won't.

Mitch Buchannon:
[voice-over] Twenty years as a lifeguard teaches you to recognize people in trouble. I knew the second I saw her she was drowning, even though she wasn't even in the water.

Lou Raymond:
My man, what's happenin' with the threads? You're lookin' good!

Mitch Buchannon:
[laughs] Man thinks he's Shaft.

Lou Raymond:
You mean he's a bad mother

Mitch Buchannon:
Shut your mouth, he's a complicated man.

Lou Raymond:
[singing] And nobody understands him but his woman.

Mitch Buchannon:
Nobody understands him, period.

Garner Ellerbee:
Except you, Mitch, which is why we're partners.

Mitch Buchannon:
I knew there had to be a reason, John Shaft.

Mitch Buchannon:
Wow! Is this a great place to live or what? Look at that view. And look at that sad face. You're killin' me! What do you want?

Ryan McBride:
Preferably something that doesn't roll off the cliff during an earthquake!

Mitch Buchannon:
Come on, come on and look at this! This place is rock solid! [He hits the trailer's door and watches the handle fall off]

Ryan McBride:
[sighs] Then you live here.

Mitch Buchannon:
Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea what a lot like this costs? A half a million, million bucks, maybe two!

Ryan McBride:
It's a trailer park!

Mitch Buchannon:
It's a trailer park in Malibu, kid.

Ryan McBride:
Dust?

Diamont Teague:
Just a label.

Mitch Buchannon:
And the dust landed on this farm.

Diamont Teague:
Possibly.

Ryan McBride:
Well you know, our biggest fear the first time we sent man up into space was what we might bring back.

Diamont Teague:
The Andromeda Strain. An alien virus that wipes out the world, and we can't contain it.

Mitch Buchannon:
You know, isn't it amazing with all the scientific brains you seem to have, and all the resources you seem to have, the only help you can muster up is us?

Diamont Teague:
Will you help me?

Ryan McBride:
I'll take the barn.

Mitch Buchannon:
I'll take the house.

Ryan McBride:
Teague, have there ever been any kind of incidents like this before?

Diamont Teague:
[thoughtful] No. Not that I know of. But my access is limited.

Ryan McBride:
Okay. Russell says this organism infects the animal, bonds with the DNA and reconfigures it, and then for some reason, it blows up. Now, it operates like a plant. It explodes in order to spread its spores and that's how it moves from one host to the next. But it's moving up the food chain. From the roach, to the rat, to the cat. It's following the logical progression.

Mitch Buchannon:
Where's the dog?

George Wilson:
[cowering against his van] Wait, wait, wait, wait! You, you, you just hurt me.

Ryan McBride:
[furious] You kidding me? Are you kidding me? A bomb goes of in there, people hurt, and you're stealin' a purse? You lowlife, scumbag...

George Wilson:
Wait wait wait, wait.

Ryan McBride:
Oh, what. Ever. Let. Go! [snatches her purse back from the man]

George Wilson:
No. Teague. Teague. Teague. He's the key to everything, alright?

Ryan McBride:
[still furious] What is the key to everything, and how do you know Teague?

George Wilson:
In the purse. The dialote. See, I got it. I I gotta have it because they're here. And they, and they use it.

Ryan McBride:
Who is here?

George Wilson:
Like you don't know, huh? Aliens, that's who.

Ryan McBride:
Let me tell you something, alright? I don't know who you are, and I'm not an alien, I don't know anything about any ponce, or whatever the hell you called 'em, but do yourself a favor mister, you answer my question. How do you know Teague?

George Wilson:
Please. Please, please.

Mitch Buchannon:
[as George grabs his hand] Wait wait wait wait what what are you what are you doing man?

Ryan McBride:
He's making sure you're not an alien. I'm clean.

George Wilson:
You could still be part of the conspiracy.

Ryan McBride:
Right.

Mitch Buchannon:
[meeting Donna for the first time and shaking her hand] Hi. I'm, uh, Mitch Buchannon and, uh, well, if you're going to be one of the new waitresses here, let me assure you that you'll be getting all of my business.

Donna Marco:
[grinning] Well thank you, sugar! I'm the owner.

Mitch Buchannon:
Oh.

Donna Marco:
But I will appreciate your business.

Taylor:
[reading a business card] Ryan McBride. Confidential investigations. Really? A private dick?

Ryan McBride:
[carefully] Not my favorite choice of words.

Taylor:
I'm sorry. Um, would you like to sit down?

Ryan McBride:
Uh, no thank you.

Taylor:
It's just you're the first woman I've met in this line of work. Uh, what were you before, a cop?

Ryan McBride:
A forensic specialist. And I'd love to sit here and swap resumes with you, but I'm in kind of a hurry. You got a call from a Miss Debra Collins, didn't you?

Taylor:
Yes, she said to, uh, cooperate, so uh, what can we do for you?

Mitch Buchannon:
Hey Donna! I need a favor. There's a guy I want you to meet.

Donna Marco:
Guy you want me to meet?

Mitch Buchannon:
Uh, actually, I said that wrong. He wants to meet you.

Donna Marco:
It amounts to the same thing.

Mitch Buchannon:
It's just an introduction.

Donna Marco:
Introduction leads to a conversation. To invitation. Then it's dinner. He's charming. We dance. He's cute. He says this, I say that, we leave, he wants to go to my place...

Mitch Buchannon:
Donna thinks you're fascinating.

Diamont Teague:
Let's talk about the woman you rescued. The word she kept repeating. "Ajogun." Do you know what that is?

Mitch Buchannon:
Enlighten me.

Diamont Teague:
Every culture has one. A legendary creature which is the embodiment of all that is evil. The Ajogun is from New Guinea. The fiercest creature from the fiercest culture on the planet. Legend has it that the Ajogun inhabits the jungle along the Purari River. When a boat strays too close to shore, the Ajogun leaps from the trees, savagely killing everything on board. Boats would be found adrift near the mouth of the river. No crew.

Mitch Buchannon:
Where are you going with this?

Ryan McBride:
Okay, Mitch, how do you read me?

Mitch Buchannon:
I thought I told you never to call me here. [chuckles]

Ryan McBride:
Griff. Griff, can you hear me?

Griff Walker:
Uhh, sorry, I am busy with a beautiful woman on a balmy beach, you know, drinking rum chi chis with little umbrellas in them, two straws, beautiful sunset.

Ryan McBride:
Okay, so, how do you make a chi chi?

Griff Walker:
With a smile.

Ryan McBride:
Ugh.

Ryan McBride:
Alright, Griff, run an O2 check, see if you've got any oxygen in there at all.

Mitch Buchannon:
Okay, good idea. Gonna want to check out this way.

Griff Walker:
[waving around a gadget] Alright, I got fifty parts per mil nitrogen. There's a whole bunch of carbon dioxide from everything rotting. Looks like the oxygen's from all the kelp growing.

Mitch Buchannon:
I don't wanna study it. Just breathe it.

Griff Walker:
Okay. Be my guest.

Diamont Teague:
What happened?

Ryan McBride:
He bumped his head.

Mitch Buchannon:
Terrific. Another headache. What are you doing here?

Diamont Teague:
Actually, I wanted to talk to you about things that go bump in the night. Do you believe in ghosts?

Mitch Buchannon:
No, no, but they scare me.

Mitch Buchannon:
Haunted. When I think of haunted, I think of Aunt Tilly kicking off and hanging around long enough to make sure that Uncle John doesn't hook up with some floozie.

Ryan McBride:
That's one definition.

Ryan McBride:
Alright, well, I am participating in this weekend because I'm a scientist, and unlike you, I believe in the paranormal. But I do not believe in standing out here like a little puppy because Teague's a control freak. But if you wanna stay out here because you're afraid, wait for Teague, I understand.

Mitch Buchannon:
Oh what, is this some kind challenge, right.

Ryan McBride:
No, I mean, why would I challenge you?

Mitch Buchannon:
Because competition is your middle name, and subconsciously you're attracted to me, and it's a way of getting my attention.

Ryan McBride:
Tell me what you see.

Mitch Buchannon:
Umm, there's a bed with a noose hanging over a wooden beam.

Ryan McBride:
It's not real.

Mitch Buchannon:
[feeling the noose] How do you know?

Ryan McBride:
None of it's real. It's just a bunch of ghosts and illusions. It's maybe something with the light, maybe some molecular imaging, but trust me Mitch, it is not real, okay?

Cigar Man:
I've been waiting for hours. Get over here. [Ryan turns to see a cigar-smoking dwarf in old-timey clothes] You deaf, girl?

Ryan McBride:
No. I can hear.

Cigar Man:
Are you sassin' me?

Ryan McBride:
Sassin'? Who're you?

Cigar Man:
You know me. I've been coming here since you opened.

Ryan McBride:
And when was that? I mean, uh, what's the date, mister?

Cigar Man:
Don't you make me wait on ya.

Ryan McBride:
What year are you in?

Cigar Man:
I'm hungry and I'm sore. Now get your backside naked and come sit by me.

Ryan McBride:
Now why would I wanna do that?

Cigar Man:
'Cause. I got gold dust.

Mitch Buchannon:
What'd you find?

Ryan McBride:
Mucoid exodermal slough. Is it possible that Dr. Lloyd was working on some kind of DNA manipulation?

Diamont Teague:
Possibly.

Mitch Buchannon:
Resulting in what?

Ryan McBride:
Well, you'd have to know Dr. Lloyd's parameters. Was the subject animal, human, what?

Diamont Teague:
He was a very secretive man. He was given a lot of latitude. What is it?

Ryan McBride:
Well, it's going to take me some time to identify the phylum. But I'll tell ya. Whatever did this is becoming more dangerous.

Mitch Buchannon:
What's that mean?

Ryan McBride:
Dr. Lloyd's little baby is mutating.

Griff Walker:
Alright, don't try to keep up with me, just do the best you can.

Donna Marco:
Are you saying I'm not as good as you?

Griff Walker:
No, it's not a matter of being good, it's just that there's no comparison. You're a little girl and I'm a...

Donna Marco:
A He-Man?

Griff Walker:
And now you're getting all sensitive on me.

Donna Marco:
Sensitive. You think this is being sensitive?

Griff Walker:
Just forget I said anything.

Donna Marco:
No. You said I can't beat you.

Griff Walker:
Please, Donna. You're gonna get your feelings hurt and I don't want you to hate me.

Donna Marco:
Grif, I could never hate you.

Griff Walker:
Then yes. What I'm saying is, you can't beat me.

Donna Marco:
Wanna bet?

Mitch Buchannon:
[over the phone] Yeah, Ryan, what you got?

Ryan McBride:
Well, we've been running all the DNA chains looking for parallel links. I started with gender. This thing that you're looking for, there are no guarantees but from the information that I've gathered, I'm almost positive it's female.

Mitch Buchannon:
A woman? Ryan, no woman has the strength to do what's been done.

Ryan McBride:
I didn't say it was a woman. I said it was female. There's a difference.

Ryan McBride:
So Dr. Lloyd was really on to something here. How humane, I don't know, but these blood samples and tissues confirm the capacity to somehow regenerate.

Diamont Teague:
Which suggests in the proper environment this, this...

Ryan McBride:
Artificially induced evolution.

Diamont Teague:
Could make it indestructible.

Ryan McBride:
Do you think that's what Dr. Lloyd was going after?

Diamont Teague:
Don't know.

Ryan McBride:
Don't know, or don't want to tell me?

Diamont Teague:
Don't know.

Ryan McBride:
I just thought of something. In theory, with this thing being an amphibian, she may also have developed the capacity of self-replication.

Mitch Buchannon:
You, uh, wearing protection?

Ryan McBride:
[waving a bottle of tanning oil] Yeah, don't worry, I'm uh, practicing safe sun.

Mitch Buchannon:
Okay, uh, you know, beginners can really cook out here.

Ryan McBride:
Well I'm no beginner.

Mitch Buchannon:
No, you're not.

Griff Walker:
Hey!

Garth Youngblood:
What are you doing?

Griff Walker:
[stops snapping photos for a moment] I'm taking pictures.

Garth Youngblood:
Yeah, well stop it, I don't like it. [Griff continues to snap photos] You're bothering me!

Griff Walker:
[following Garth, still taking pictures] Oh really? Well Caroline doesn't like you bothering her, but you don't seem to stop. Say cheese, Garth. Come on, say cheese! Smile, smile! Oh, that is nice. I think you're gonna like that one, Garth. Know what? I just can't figure out what your better side is. Your right or your left. N'ugh, I get it. Neither. Know what Garth? C'mere, little closer, there we go, you know what, I think I'm gonna call these Stalking the Stalker, what do you say...

Ryan McBride:
And the parents don't care at all? They don't wanna even talk about it with you or her?

Mitch Buchannon:
[thoughtfully] No.

Ryan McBride:
Okay. Well, I'm runnin' a background check on 'em. [typing a little] Here it is. Okay, uh, you wanna talk about upward mobility? Two months ago the lived in a trailer park. Now they live in a mansion.

Mitch Buchannon:
[reading over her shoulder] Well, no wonder. They won the lottery.

Ryan McBride:
Three times in a row?

Diamont Teague:
Do you remember how you felt when you opened that book of rituals?

Ryan McBride:
Yeah, and what's that got to do with anything?

Diamont Teague:
After the initial shock, that first wave of panic, do you remember how you felt?

Ryan McBride:
Okay, yeah, there was a feeling of power.

Diamont Teague:
Hm, power. That word again.

Ryan McBride:
Yes, I was scared at first, and, yeah, then there was a feeling of power. But power because I controlled something so powerful, and so frightening. Now what's that got to do with anything?

Diamont Teague:
Something wants these children, and is willing to trade for them. It's happening. I don't care what you call it. It's evil. It's the power of darkness.

Ryan McBride:
[entering Mitch's house with Diamont] Ugh. Smells like something died in here.

Mitch Buchannon:
[possessed] Hi, guys! Come on in. Join me. [turning to face them] I insist.

Ryan McBride:
Mitch. Are you alright?

Mitch Buchannon:
Am I alright? What do you mean am I alright? Don't I look alright?

Ryan McBride:
I, I just meant [catching her breath] how are you doing?

Mitch Buchannon:
[in her face] How am I doing? How am I doing? How do you think I'm doing! [turning to Diamont] Well go ahead, Teague, tell her. Go ahead, tell her what you're thinking. Go ahead.

Diamont Teague:
I'd like to see you show yourself for who you really are.

Stephanie Holden:
Mitch, Mitch. [whispering, holding out her hand] Mitch, Mitch. Mitch.

Mitch Buchannon:
Stephanie?

Ryan McBride:
[over Mitch's body] Ohmygod

Diamont Teague:
[over Mitch's body] One, two, three, four, five, breathe!

Mitch Buchannon:
Stephanie, is it you? It's not possible, I mean, how could you be here? [they turn to watch Ryan and Diamont administer CPR] But you died last year. How could I be here?

Stephanie Holden:
I've missed you, Mitch.

Mitch Buchannon:
I've missed you, too. What's it like?

Stephanie Holden:
It's everything you ever dreamed. And more. There's nothin' but love.

Mitch Buchannon:
So, we can be together. Forever?

Stephanie Holden:
No. You're still needed, Mitch.

Mitch Buchannon:
Hi. Um, first of all, I need you to sign this release from the hospital, please.

Alex Starger:
Hm. Oh, right, of course. There you go. Ah, and here. This is for your trouble, and thank you very much for bringing her, hm? [hands Mitch a bill and turns away] No, no, we gonna need a whole bunch more of those purple balloons, a whole bunch more!

Mitch Buchannon:
Excuse me, sir, you don't understand. Do you know your daughter jumped off a bridge?

Alex Starger:
Oh, yeah, I forgot. You pulled her out. Well, let's see here. [gives Mitch another bill] We done now?

Mitch Buchannon:
Well, no, we're not done. Your daughter tried to kill herself.

Alex Starger:
[pauses] Oh, now, she didn't try to kill herself. Yes, she jumped off a bridge, but she did not try to kill herself. Now, I paid you for your troubles, so hike on, hm? [turns away, to Jean] Darlin', we just gonna need to set these balloons up ourselves.

Mitch Buchannon:
Hey, Jenny. How you feelin'?

Jenny Starger:
Fine. Better.

Mitch Buchannon:
I'm gonna drive you home.

Jenny Starger:
Thanks. That's very nice of you.

Mitch Buchannon:
Listen, before we go see your parents, you wanna tell me what's goin' on? I mean, why you jumped off the bridge?

Jenny Starger:
[pause] No.

Mitch Buchannon:
Well, sooner or later, you're gonna have to talk to someone about it.

Jenny Starger:
Why?

Mitch Buchannon:
Well, because it's not normal to try and kill yourself.

Jenny Starger:
There's nothing you can do, Mister Buchannon. I'm going to die.

Mitch Buchannon:
So you think something live came bubbling up.

Ryan McBride:
We're fools to think that we've identified every life form.

Mitch Buchannon:
Alright, what do you think it is?

Ryan McBride:
Well, I dunno. Start with your basic life form. The single cell.

Mitch Buchannon:
Amoebas. Protozoa.

Ryan McBride:
Yeah, exactly, um, there's no structure, no bones, no vertebrae. It's just this ever-growing, ever-moving life form.

Mitch Buchannon:
Killer.

Donna Marco:
Griff! Hey, where's Mitch?

Griff Walker:
Uhh, he's not back from the oil rig yet.

Donna Marco:
Oh no. I really wanted to tell him something. I rescued my first person today!

Griff Walker:
From drowning?

Donna Marco:
Yes, from drowning! Well, well, not really drowning, but sort of. I mean, he could have drowned. But I was there, so he didn't!

Griff Walker:
Then you saved him.

Donna Marco:
Yes!

Griff Walker:
Alright, Donna, way to go!

Mitch Buchannon:
Now listen to me. Obviously, something happened to this girl that's got her totally freaked out. Let's just give her the benefit of the doubt, alright?

Ryan McBride:
I say we give her a muzzle.

Mitch Buchannon:
She is this close to losing it.

Ryan McBride:
[whispering] Well that makes two of us.

Mitch Buchannon:
Can this thing survive out of the water?

Ryan McBride:
Theoretically, the environment doesn't matter.

Mitch Buchannon:
How can it be so big!

Ryan McBride:
There are no limits. This thing can get as big as its food supply will support. Once it's big enough, then it divides.

Claire:
Divides!

Ryan McBride:
Hey, uh, not that it matters, but I just figured out why the radios wouldn't work and the engines wouldn't start. Um, EMP, it's uh, electromagnetic pulse, you see, sometimes when they set off bombs in the oceans, certain life forms take on this aura of a magnetic field, and they can disrupt any kind of electrical machinery anywhere near it.

Mitch Buchannon:
[whispering] You're right. It doesn't matter.

Ryan McBride:
Teague. The carbon dating tests say that this tomb dust is over three thousand years old. That puts it at eighteenth dynasty in Egypt? That's when Thutmose and Queen Hatshepsut ruled.

Diamont Teague:
[holding up a photograph] This is the French expedition which actually made the discovery, and entered the tomb. They found a message in hieroglyphics. It was a curse. It promised that all those who entered her tomb and disturbed the Queen's sleep would meet a violent death.

Mitch Buchannon:
Oh, please. The last thing I need is for the two of you to buy into some cockamamie story about King Tut, and his mummy.

Diamont Teague:
A sage once said, in absence of proof, the wise withhold both belief and disbelief.

Mitch Buchannon:
Hey, these fish are doing really good!

Dr. Kasan:
Forgive me. I spend so many hours in the dark, I find dim light oppressive. One needs light to truly appreciate life. [looks Ryan up and down] And beauty. Indeed, even the most beautiful of nature's gifts is enhanced by the warm glow of the light.

Ryan McBride:
Right.

Dr. Kasan:
Dr. McBride.

Ryan McBride:
Um, it's not Dr. It's Ms. Actually, it's Ryan.

Dr. Kasan:
Now, close your eyes. Don't look with a scientist's eye, Ryan. Look with your hand, and your heart. Feel the craft, perfected over a thousand generations by artisans whose greatest joy was to serve Pharaoh, their god. Feel the pulse of their lifeblood. Taste the truth of their art. Now, tell me Ryan. What is real, and what is not?

Ryan McBride:
Alright. This gold did not come from Egypt.

Dr. Kasan:
There's a papyrus map, now in the Turin museum, that shows a gold mine in the eastern desert, and Solomon's mines were in Africa. Pharaoh's warriors went far afield to win Egypt her treasures.

Ryan McBride:
Did they ever get to California?

Dr. Kasan:
Excuse me?

Ryan McBride:
Well, because this gold comes from the ancient and mystical city of Sacramento.

Mitch Buchannon:
One more win, and the Dodgers woulda won the pennant. [pause] Why would I say that? Could care less about the Dodgers.

Ryan McBride:
[typing away on her laptop] C'mon. [the office door opens. She looks over her shoulder toward it] Mitch? Teague. I don't have time for it right now.

Diamont Teague:
Actually, I want to talk to Mitch. About the incident.

Ryan McBride:
What incident?

Diamont Teague:
He pulled a boy from the surf. He was then struck by clear-air lightning. That's what I want to talk to him about.

Ryan McBride:
So?

Diamont Teague:
Ryan? Is he experiencing unusual brain activity? Various forms of kinesis. Heightened alpha waves.

Ryan McBride:
How did you know that?

Diamont Teague:
Then he has.

Ryan McBride:
Yeah.

Diamont Teague:
Where is he now, and where is the boy?

Ryan McBride:
I don't know. The boy ran away, and Mitch is out looking for him.

Diamont Teague:
I've got to find him. Where is he?

Ryan McBride:
I don't know. Wait a minute, how do you know all of this?

Ryan McBride:
Wait. Wait a second. You're not going without me.

Diamont Teague:
You can't go with me.

Ryan McBride:
Oh, really. [holds up the car keys] If I don't go, you don't go.

Diamont Teague:
You coming along for the ride, or are you willing to help?

Ryan McBride:
Let's see, I'm a scientist, you're gonna show me some aliens, what do you think?

Ryan McBride:
Oh, Mitch! Ah, these are the best. Let's do this!

Mitch Buchannon:
Fortunes? Ah, come on, you don't believe in that stuff, do ya?

Ryan McBride:
I don't believe in it, but it's fun.

Mitch Buchannon:
No, no, the whole thing's phony.

Ryan McBride:
No, listen. It's your day off, you should have some fun.

Mitch Buchannon:
No, no, I don't wanna know my fortune. I just wanna have my cappuccino.

Ryan McBride:
Okay. [Takes Mitch's cup and drops it in a trash can]

Mitch Buchannon:
My cappuccino is in the trash can.

Blonde Actress Needing Reading:
Is this where I come to get my fortune read?

Mitch Buchannon:
Uh, no no no. You don't understand, we're not uh...

Ryan McBride:
Mitch.

Blonde Actress Needing Reading:
Please, you have to help me. It's important.

Ryan McBride:
You're an actress.

Mitch Buchannon:
Ryan!

Blonde Actress Needing Reading:
No no, don't stop her, it's true. I am an actress. And I'm up for this really big part in Fish Monster 3.

Ryan McBride:
Yeah, and you recently lost a part that was equally important to you.

Blonde Actress Needing Reading:
Yes. I lost it to Bitsy May.

Ryan McBride:
Who was sleeping with the producer.

Blonde Actress Needing Reading:
Yes. How can you be so accurate? [Ryan looks up at Mitch, dumbfounded] Do you think I'll get the part? [pause] Do you see Fish Monster in my future?

Ryan McBride:
[considering] Yeah.

Blonde Actress Needing Reading:
Thank you. [hands Ryan a twenty] Thank you so much. [to Mitch] Thank you.

Indian Guide Wahote:
You will see your own future through there. Through the Vortex. If you have the courage. The courage is not easily found except within the heart. [holds open a curtain]

Ryan McBride:
We, we have courage.

Mitch Buchannon:
No, we don't have the courage.

Ryan McBride:
Yes we do have courage.

Mitch Buchannon:
No, we don't have the courage.

Ryan McBride:
We have courage.

Mitch Buchannon:
We don't.

Ryan McBride:
Okay. Go with me on this. Say I wanna grow something in an area that won't cultivate because of the soil. What do I do?

Mitch Buchannon:
You, um, change the soil.

Ryan McBride:
Right. Well say in changing the soil, I don't check out everything that lives in the soil, before I irradiate it.

Mitch Buchannon:
Then, you could mutate something you didn't count on. What are you saying here, we're fighting some sort of insect? Something that mutated from radiation?

Ryan McBride:
That's exactly what I'm sayin'. That thing looked like a giant slug! And, and slugs feed on anything within their domain.

Mitch Buchannon:
Well, that would explain the missing crew member.

Nina Cutter:
[watching Mitch through her camera lens] Now who might you be, handsome? Sure don't look like a lawman. Maybe I can mix a little pleasure with business.

Donna Marco:
[on the phone] Hello? Oh, no no no, baby, I love the club! And I'm gonna turn it into a real moneymaker. Yeah. Me too. Mm-hmm. Well, I'm just gonna do a run-swim-run. Okay. Bye bye.

Mitch Buchannon:
Run-swim-run, huh? In training for something special?

Donna Marco:
[laughs] Yep, I'm gonna be a lifeguard. Just like you. [leaving her belongings on the beach] Don't let these walk away.

Griff Walker:
[watching Ryan with a newly-printed fax] Is that something about the fish burglar?

Ryan McBride:
Hm? Oh. Uh, no, it's nothing that exciting. It's just insurance photos from the stolen jewelry.

Griff Walker:
[flipping through the photos] Woah! These are some serious diamonds!

Ryan McBride:
Yeah. [snatching back the papers] Very serious.

Griff Walker:
This is one very cool case, you know? It's all about money, and power and sex.

Ryan McBride:
[laughing] Are we talking about the same case here?

Ryan McBride:
I can't believe that this thing cost six hundred and fifty bucks, and it was on sale.

Griff Walker:
Oh, hey, come on now, this stuff is gonna put you guys on the high tech map.

Garner Ellerbee:
Oh, yeah, yeah, who wants to be a speed bump on the info superhighway?

Ryan McBride:
Oh yeah. Yeah, you're right, Garner. But you can't eat a night scope.

Ryan McBride:
So! What are you doing here?

Charlie McBride:
Well, I got a few days off from work, I took the red-eye, and came to see you, so here I am!

Ryan McBride:
Yeah.

Charlie McBride:
I didn't catch you at a bad time, did I? I just wanted to surprise you.

Ryan McBride:
Yeah, you did surprise me. I just, I wish you would of called so I could of planned.

Charlie McBride:
Oh, you never change. You know me, there's so much fun in not planning!

Mitch Buchannon:
[setting a drink in front of her] Hello, Miss Texas. Buy ya a drink there, little lady? These are on your sister. She is full of information.

Ryan McBride:
Charlie's got a big mouth.

Ryan McBride:
Hey Donna! [jogging up to her] Morning.

Donna Marco:
Morning. [looks at her watch] Oh my God, it is!

Ryan McBride:
Um, would you, if I asked you an honest question, give me an honest answer?

Donna Marco:
[cheerfully] As long as it doesn't incriminate me.

Ryan McBride:
Um, do you think I'm personally... boring?

Donna Marco:
Yes! [walks away]

Ryan McBride:
Alright, so listen, so back to the point. So, you met this woman where?

Mitch Buchannon:
I told ya, between the snow tires and the all-weather radials. She's in town for the convention. Bunny is the manufacturer's spokesperson.

Ryan McBride:
Bunny? Her name is Bunny.

Mitch Buchannon:
Yeah.

Ryan McBride:
What's she do, stand around in a bikini sellin' retreads?

Ryan McBride:
So, what exactly is your title? I've heard, um, Miss All-Terrain, Miss Snow-and-Go...

Bunny:
[laughs] Mitch, what have you been telling these people? Actually, I'm Vice President of Marketing.

Ryan McBride:
Oh! [laughing nervously] That's great. [to Mitch] You're dead.

Garner Ellerbee:
Say, Lea, um, why don't you let me see you home.

Detective Lea Broussard:
I'm a cop, I can see myself home. I should be seeing you home.

Garner Ellerbee:
You're allergic to my cat.

Detective Lea Broussard:
You don't have a cat.

Garner Ellerbee:
Don't argue.

Mitch Buchannon:
Well, easy come, easy go. You know? Davis wasn't your type, anyway.

Ryan McBride:
Yeah, well, Bunny wasn't your type, either.

Mitch Buchannon:
Really?

Ryan McBride:
Yes.

Mitch Buchannon:
How do you know?

Ryan McBride:
I can tell. I think. What is your type?

Mitch Buchannon:
I don't know that I have one. 'Less you mean someone who's easy to be with, doesn't constantly fill the air with words, who's smart, who's got a great sense of humor, and who cares much more about others than she does about herself. I don't know. Is that a type?

Ryan McBride:
Nobody I know.

Ryan McBride:
Mitch, the beach is deserted.

Mitch Buchannon:
It's that time of year.

Ryan McBride:
So, what are you gonna do all day?

Mitch Buchannon:
Like I always do. Sit, and watch.

Ryan McBride:
Watch what? There's nothing here. It's empty.

Mitch Buchannon:
Look again, grasshopper. We got the clouds, we got the waves, we got the surf, we got the sand.

Ryan McBride:
Oh yeah. Wouldn't wanna forget about the sand.

Diamont Teague:
About two weeks ago, something very dangerous arrived in Los Angeles. A killer. Of children. But not just any child. Street kids. Or runaways. The vulnerable.

Mitch Buchannon:
Ryan thinks it might be some kind of a wolf.

Diamont Teague:
It is.

Mitch Buchannon:
It is?

Diamont Teague:
Partly. We believe the killer to be a zargtha.

Mitch Buchannon:
A what?

Diamont Teague:
A canine creature, believed to inhabit the remote southwestern mountains of Yugoslavia. Considered mythic for centuries. The subject of scary stories that parents use to keep their children in line. Don't go out at night, or the zargtha will get you.

Mitch Buchannon:
And this, uh, zargtha, just goes after kids, huh?

Diamont Teague:
Yes.

Mitch Buchannon:
And he came in from the remote mountains of Yugoslavia all the way to downtown Santa Monica.