Benidorm

Janice Garvey:
My mother's not been to the toilet since Tuesday.

Mick Garvey:
Why? Is there no smoking in there?

Madge:
[after news of Troy and Mateo's affair is uncovered] What were they doing?

Janice Garvey:
I don't know. Couldn't see properly, it was dark.

Madge:
Well, I think it's disgusting.

Chantelle Garvey:
Was he bumming him?

Mick Garvey:
Do you mind? I've got a mouth full of nuts. [pauses to think] Hey, that's probably what the barman said!

Kate Weedon:
I think a daughter would be nice.

Madge:
Well, I'd get cracking if I were you, you're not exactly 21.

Kate Weedon:
Well, it's not quite as simple as that.

Madge:
No way? What's wrong with you?

Kate Weedon:
Not me. [Martin walks up to Kate]

Martin Weedon:
Sorry about that. I eventually found the bottle and it's empty. Had to get to the shop, not bad really, 8 euros.

Madge:
ell, I'm not surprised he's firing blanks with shorts that tight. He wants to get himself one of those baggy ones they're all wearing. Get some air between his bits, let'em breathe!

Geoff Maltby - The Oracle:
[When the shock sets in that Geoff and his mother have come second in the quiz] You've miscounted! We've both got 30 points, It's a tie!

Janey York:
You had "Whispering Grass" as Windsor Davies and Don Estelle. The answer is The Ink Spots.

Geoff Maltby - The Oracle:
They both had hits with it! You've got it wrong!

[gets up]

Geoff Maltby - The Oracle:
You've made a mistake!

[pushes and shoves his way through crowd]

Janey York:
'Ey, Lad!

Geoff Maltby - The Oracle:
Just give it to me, I'll show you!

Mick Garvey:
Get off!

Mateo:
Hey, Gordo, Get off the stage!

Geoff Maltby - The Oracle:
[pushes Mateo's hand away] Get off me! Get off me! *Nobody* beats The Oracle!

Mateo:
Get off the stage, Fat Boy, You lost! Just admit it; you don't know everything

[talks in spanish and clicks fingers]

Geoff Maltby - The Oracle:
I might not know everything, but I know all about *you*! You've been shagging everyone!

[gasps from crowd]

Geoff Maltby - The Oracle:
Him sat there!

[points to Troy]

Geoff Maltby - The Oracle:
, Yeah you with Mr. Blobby!

[points to Gavin then points to Kate]

Geoff Maltby - The Oracle:
Her sitting down there!

[is restrained by Mateo and another man]

Geoff Maltby - The Oracle:
Look, He's tryin' to bum *Me* now! Get off me, you Spanish poof! Get off me!

[is bundled out of Neptune's]

Geoff Maltby - The Oracle:
[Mel and the Oracle are having an argument over Mel nearly drowning] Who are you calling an idiot, you... d*ckhead?

Mel Harvey:
D*ckhead? Who are you calling D*ckhead?

Mick Garvey:
Alright, Ladies. That's enough.

Mel Harvey:
[Gets up off sun lounger] You can't talk to me like that! Me father fell at Normandy!

Geoff Maltby - The Oracle:
I don't care if he went arse-over-tit in Scunthorpe, You're a d*ckhead!

Janice Garvey:
Can we all just calm down?

Madge:
Think yourself lucky; You should be up for attempted murder!

Geoff Maltby - The Oracle:
F*** off!

Mel Harvey:
Right, That's it!

[shoves Geoff]

Mateo:
[a Fight breaks out and the others try to break it up] Break it up! Break it up!

[Turns to Geoff]

Mateo:
You, Fat boy! You cause problems here before! I remember!

[Clicks fingers and points]

Geoff Maltby - The Oracle:
Yeah, Yeah.

[to Mel]

Geoff Maltby - The Oracle:
Keep away from me Do y'hear? Keep away!

Mel Harvey:
On Your Bike!

Geoff Maltby - The Oracle:
[points at Madge] And that goes for Touche Turtle in t'Wheelchair and all!

Mateo:
Go with your mummy!

Geoff Maltby - The Oracle:
I'm going! D*ckheads...

[walks off]

Madge:
[Turns to Mel] Who the Frig's Touche Turtle?

Jack:
[Jack crashes Madge and Mel's Wedding] Janice! Janice! It's your last chance, Come I've got the car with me, We can go anywhere you want!

Donald Stewart:
Did someone order a taxi?

Mick Garvey:
It's that lad from last night.

Jack:
If you won't come with me, give me one more kiss. I can't stop thinking about you!

Mel Harvey:
Get rid of him!

Jack:
[Mateo carries Jack out] Janice! Janice!

Mick Garvey:
One More?

Janice Garvey:
I don't think he's all there, I think he might have... learning difficulties

Mick Garvey:
He'll have f***ing Walking Difficulties if he comes anywhere near me!

Jacqueline Stewart:
[Telling Noreen and Pauline of Donald's sleepwalking problem] We had a siesta yesterday afternoon and he stumbled out onto the balcony, still asleep, climbed over it and sat right on the edge. He were swinging backward and forwards and you could see people down below terrified he were going to toss himself off! [Akward silence]

Janey:
[to Mateo who is running late for his water aerobics session] Oi! Norma Bloody Desmond! Your Public awaits!

Les:
[about Mateo's yellow headband] What on earth has he got on his head?

Janey:
[about Les' wig] Look who's talkin'! [to Mateo] What do you think you're playing at?

Mateo:
[Puts Boombox down] What am I playing at? [Reveals singlet with huge crotch bulge] You see this? [Janey gasps then begins to laugh]

Janey:
What's wrong with it?

Mateo:
What is wrong with it? What is *right* with it?

Janey:
You look... Fine.

Mateo:
Janey, I look like a homosexual gay.

Janey:
Don't think you can blame that *entirely* on the lycra.

Mateo:
[has Jason in headlock] Do not struggle! Resistance is fertile!

Joyce Temple-Savage:
[to Mateo] You? Manager? You couldn't manage a fart without shitting yourself!