Blazing Saddles

Bart:
Oh, baby, you're *so* talented... and they are *so* dumb.

Lili Von Shtupp:
Is that a ten-gallon hat, or are you just enjoying the show?

Lili Von Shtupp:
A wed wose, how womantic.

Jim:
I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.

Bart:
Are we awake?

Jim:
We're not sure. Are we black?

Bart:
Yes, we are.

Jim:
Then we're awake, but very puzzled.

Bart:
A man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to DIE.

Jim:
When?

Bart:
Mornin', ma'am. And isn't it a lovely mornin'?

Bart:
I better go check out this Mongo character.

Jim:
Oh no, don't do that.

Bart:
Why not?

Jim:
If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad.

Mongo:
Mongo only pawn... in game of life.

Jim:
Uh-oh, Bart. I think Mongo here's taken a liking to you.

Mongo:
Huh-huh, naw, Mongo straight.

Taggart:
I got it. I got it.

Hedley Lamarr:
You do?

Taggart:
We'll work up a "Number 6" on 'em.

Hedley Lamarr:
"Number 6"? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one...

Taggart:
Well, that's where we go a-ridin' into town, a whampin' and whompin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the women folks, of course.

Hedley Lamarr:
You spare the women?

Taggart:
NAW. We rape the sh*t out of them at the Number 6 Dance later on.

Hedley Lamarr:
Marvelous.

Jim:
You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons.

Hedley Lamarr:
Meeting adjourned. Oh, I am sorry sir I didn't mean to overstep my bounds, you say that.

Governor William J. Le Petomane:
What?

Hedley Lamarr:
Meeting is adjourned.

Governor William J. Le Petomane:
It is?

Hedley Lamarr:
No, you say that governor.

Governor William J. Le Petomane:
What?

Hedley Lamarr:
Meeting is adjourned.

Governor William J. Le Petomane:
It is?

Hedley Lamarr:
Here sir, play with this.

Lili Von Shtupp:
Hello, cowboy. Wha's your name?

Tex:
Tex, Ma'am.

Lili Von Shtupp:
Texmam? Well, tell me Texmam, are you in show business?

Tex:
Well, no, ma'am.

Lilly von Schtupp:
Then why don't you get your fwiggin' feet off o' the stage.

Lyle:
Come on, boys! The way you're lollygaggin' around here with them picks and them shovels, you'd think it was a hundert an' twenty degree. Can't be more than a hundert an' fourteen.

Gabby Johnson:
I wash born here, an I wash raished here, and dad gum it, I am gonna die here, an no sidewindin bushwackin, hornswaglin, cracker croaker is gonna rouin me bishen cutter.

Taggart:
Horses? We can't afford to lose no horses. Send over a couple o' n*ggers.

Taggart:
Oh sh*t. Quick.

Taggart:
Dang that was lucky. Doggone near lost a four hundred dollar handcart.

Hedley Lamarr:
Think of your secretary...

Governor William J. Le Petomane:
Thank you. That's a good one.

Hedley Lamarr:
My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.

Taggart:
God darnit Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.

Charlie:
They said you was hung.

Bart:
And they was right.

Howard Johnson:
As chairman of the welcoming committee, it's a pleasure to present a Laurel and Hardy handshake to our new

Howard Johnson:
... n*gger.

Bart:
Excuse me while I whip this out.

Jim:
Then one day I hear "Reach for it, mister." I spun around, and there I was standing face to face with a six year old kid. Well, I just laid down my guns and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass. So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle, and I've been there ever since.

Lili Von Shtupp:
Is it true how zey say zat you people are... gifted?

Lili Von Shtupp:
Oh. It's twue. It's twue. It's twue, it's twue!

Jim:
Oh boys, lookee what I got heyuh.

Bart:
Hey, where the white women at.

Taggart:
Someone's gotta go back for a sh*t-load of dimes.

Bart:
Don't just stand there clasping your hands in pain... How about a round of applause for The Waco Kid?

Adolf Hitler:
They lose me right after the bunker scene.

Hedley Lamarr:
You will be risking your lives, whilst I will be risking an almost-certain Academy Award nomination for the Best Supporting Actor.

Jim:
Another twenty-five years and you'll be able to shake their hands in broad daylight.

Taggart:
I hired you people to try to get a little track laid, not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots.

Hedley Lamarr:
Unfortunately there is one thing standing between me and that property - the rightful owners.

Hedley Lamarr:
Qualifications?

Hedley Lamarr:
You said rape twice.

Bart:
Now, I suppose you're all wondering just what in the heck you're doing out here in the middle of a prairie in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night.

Bart:
I'm hip.

Hedley Lamarr:
My mind is aglow with whirling, transient nodes of thought careening thru a cosmic vapor of invention.

Taggart:
Ditto.

Hedley Lamarr:
"Ditto"? "Ditto," you provincial putz?

Bart:
What's your name?

Jim:
Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me... Jim.

Jim:
Where you headed, cowboy?

Bart:
Nowhere special.

Jim:
Nowhere special. I always wanted to go there.

Bart:
Come on.

Taggart:
I got it.

Hedley Lamarr:
What?

Taggart:
Let's kill every first born male child in Rock Ridge.

Hedley Lamarr:
Nah, too Jewish.

Governor William J. Le Petomane:
How do you think I got elected?

Hedley Lamarr:
Where's my froggy?

Hedley Lamarr:
Head them off at the pass? I hate that cliché.

Reverend Johnson:
Order, order. Goddamnit I said "order".

Howard Johnson:
Y'know, Nietzsche says: "Out of chaos comes order."

Olson Johnson:
Oh, blow it out your ass, Howard.

Reverend Johnson:
Now I don't have to tell you good folks what's been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I'm leaving.

Reverend Johnson:
We will now read from Matthew, Mark, Luke...

Reverend Johnson:
... and DUCK.

Hedley Lamarr:
Maybe I could turn this thing into my advantage... if I could find a sheriff who so offends the citizens of Rock Ridge that his very *appearance* would drive them out of town.

Hedley Lamarr:
But where would I find such a man?

Hedley Lamarr:
... Why am I asking you?

Taggart:
Anybody got a dime? Somebody's gotta go back and get a shitload a' dimes.

Hedley Lamarr:
For you, my dear.

Lili Von Shtupp:
Oh... how ordinawy

Governor William J. Le Petomane:
Thank you, Hedy, thank you

Hedley Lamarr:
It's not *Hedy*, it's *Hedley*. Hedley Lamarr.

Governor William J. Le Petomane:
What the hell are you worried about? This is 1874. You'll be able to sue *her*.

Lili Von Shtupp:
Willkommen. Bienvenue. Welcome. C'mon in.

Bart:
Well raise my rent. You are The Kid.

Taggart:
Now if that don't beat all. Here we take the good time and trouble to slaughter every last Indian in the West, and for what? So we can appoint a sheriff that's blacker than any Indian. I AM depressed.

Lyle:
Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir, but I sure do hate to see you like this. What if me and the boys was to shoot that n*gger dead? Would that pep you up some?

Taggart:
That might help...

Olson Johnson:
All right, we'll give some land to the n*ggers and the chinks, but we DON'T WANT THE IRISH.

Singer:
"Blazing Saddles": He conquered fear, and he conquered hate, / He turned our night into day, / He made his blazing saddle / A torch to light the way...

Bart:
Sir, he specifically requested two "n*ggers". Well, to tell the family secret, my grandmother was Dutch.

Buddy Bizarre:
Follow me, faggots!

Bart:
Work here is done. I'm needed elsewhere now. I'm needed wherever outlaws rule the West, wherever innocent women and children are afraid to walk the streets, wherever a man cannot live in simple dignity, wherever a people cry out for justice.

Bart:
All right, you caught me. Speaking the plain truth is getting pretty damn dull around here.

Taggart:
What in the wide, wide world of sports is a-goin' on here?

Bart:
Candygram for Mongo! Candygram for Mongo!

Mongo:
Me Mongo.

Bart:
Sign, please.

Bart:
Thank you.

Mongo:
Mongo like candy.

Badges? We don't need no stinkin' badges!

"Once I have established myself in this here town, Deputy Spade might prove to be a groovy position."

Sheriff Bart:
Need any help?

Jim:
Oh, all I can get.

Oh, daddy loves ducky. Does Ducky love daddy?

Lili von Shtupp:
Tell me, schatze, is it twue what they say about the way you people are... gifted? [sound of zipper opening] Oh, it's twue. It's twue. It's twue, it's twue!

[response omitted from final cut]

Bart:
I hate to disappoint you, ma'am, but you're suckin' on my arm!

Lyle:
[Taunting the mainly-black railworkers] When you was slaves, you sang like birds. Come on! How about a good old n*gger work song?

[Enraged, the workers move to attack him, but are stopped by Bart. He promptly proceeds to sing.]

Bart:
[Crooning, Sammy Davis, Jr.-style, with fellow railworkers providing backing vocals] I get no kick from champagne... Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all...[the bullying supervisors look immensely confused and insulted] so why then should it be true?... that I get a belt - outta you... Some get a kick from coca-yeai-yeaiiiinnnneee...

Lyle:
Hold it! Hold it! What the hell is that sh*t?! I meant a song! A real song! Something like [singing] "Swing low, sweet chariot"...

[The railworkers mumble to each other in mock confusion]

Lyle:
Don't know that one, huh. Well how about "De Camptown Ladies"?

Bart:
De Camptown Ladies?

Railworkers:
De Camptown Ladies?

Lyle:
Oh, you know! "De Camptown ladies sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah! Camptown Race Track five miles long, oh-de-do-da-dahy!"

[The white supervisors begin joining in, complete with ludicrous dancing actions, much to the amusement of the railworkers. Suddenly, Taggart rides in aboard a galloping horse, shooting wildly into the air, interrupting the song, and scattering the white supervisors aside.]

Taggart:
What in the Wide Wide World of Sports is a-goin' on here? I hired you people to get some track laid, not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots!

[Gabby Johnson sees the sheriff riding into town]

Gabby Johnson:
Hey! The sheriff's a nig...

[clock bell chimes]

Harriet Johnson:
What did he say?

Dr. Sam Johnson:
He said the sheriff's near.

Gabby Johnson:
No, gone blame it dang blammit! The sheriff is a nig...

[clock bell chimes again]

Bart:
Excuse me while I whip this out...

[People cringe back and a woman faints. As he pulls out a letter instead of you-know-what, people sigh - almost sounding disappointed]

Bart:
...By the power invested in me by the honorable William J. Le Petomane...

[People start cocking guns and pointing them at Bart]

Bart:
...I hereby assume the duties of sheriff in and for the township of Rock Ridge.

Reverend:
Gentlemen, gentlemen, let's not let anger rule the day! [waving Bible] As your spiritual leader, I implore you to pay heed to this good book and what it has to say!

[A hole is shot through the Bible; the Reverend turns to Bart]

Reverend:
Son, you're on your own.

[The people are about to shoot Bart at his opening speech until he takes himself hostage]

Bart:
[in a gruff voice, hauling himself by the collar and pressing the muzzle of his gun against his own neck] Hold it! The next man that makes a move, the n*gger gets it.

Dr. Johnson:
Hold it men, he's not bluffing! [all but Howard Johnson drop their guns]

Dr. Samuel Johnson:
Listen to him, men; he's just crazy enough to do it!

Bart:
[still gruffly, to Howard] Drop it, or I swear I'll blow this n*gger's head ALL OVER THIS TOWN! [minstrel voice] Oh, Lawdy-Lawd, he's desp'at! Do what he say, do what he SAY...! [Howard slowly drops the gun]

[Bart slowly moving towards the sheriff's office, still holding himself hostage]

Harriet Johnson:
Isn't anyone going to help that poor man?

Dr. Samuel Johnson:
Hush, Harriet! That's a sure way to get him killed!

Bart:
[minstrel voice] Oh, Oh he'p me! He'p me! He'p me! Somebody He'p me! He'p me! He'p me! He'p me! [gruffly] Shut up! [covers his own mouth, pushes himself into the office] Oh, baby, you are so talented--and they are so dumb!

Bart:
[Jim grabs a liquor bottle] Maybe you should have something to eat first.

Jim:
Oh, no thanks. Food makes me sick [Takes a long drink]

Bart:
A man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to die!

Jim:
[Eagerly] When?

Bart:
What's your name?

Jim:
My name's Jim, but most people call me - Jim...I used to be known as the Waco Kid.

Bart:
The Waco Kid, he had the fastest hands in the West!

Jim:
...In the world.

Bart:
Okay, Jim, since you are my guest and I am your host, what are your pleasures? What do you like to do?

Jim:
Oh, I don't know. Play chess...screw.

Bart:
Well let's play chess.

[Bart walks in the saloon, dressed as a Telegram serviceman delivering what appears to be a candy box. Mongo continues to crush the struggling men behind him with a piano.]

Bart:
Candygram for Mongo. Candygram for Mongo. Candygram for Mongo. Candygram for Mongo.

Mongo:
Me Mongo.

Bart:
[hands him a card, while the men faint] Sign, please.

[Mongo signs the card, unintentionally shredding the paper. Bart gives him a box.]

Bart:
[gives Mongo a box] Thank you.

[The Merrie Melodies theme begins playing while Bart walks away, plugging his ears.]

Mongo (as music pauses):
Mongo like candy.

[Opens up a box and it explodes in his face; Merrie Melodies theme resumes playing.]

Jim:
[taunting Klansmen] Hey boys! Look what I got here!

[pulls Bart out from behind a rock]

Bart:
Hey, where are da white women at?

[The Klansmen chase Jim and Bart behind the rock and are quickly knocked out.]

Reverend Johnson:
Now I don't have to tell you good folks what's been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I'm leaving.

[one of the townspeople refuses to budge and reminds the pastor that he's not going to let some rustlers chase him and the others out of town.]

Reverend Johnson:
...So, to close this meeting, let us read from the Books of Matthew, Mark, Luke... [a bundle of dynamite is tossed into the church through a stained-glass window] ...and DUCK! [explosion]

Taggart:
Well, holy mother of pearl! It's that n*gger that went and hit me over the head with a shovel! Now, just what do you think you're doin' with that tin star, boy?!

Bart:
Watch that "boy" sh*t, redneck! You're talkin' to the sheriff of Rock Ridge!

Taggart:
What do you want me to do, sir?

Hedley Lamarr:
I want you to round up every vicious criminal and gun slinger in the West. Take this down.

[Taggart looks for a pen and paper while Hedley talks]

Hedley Lamarr:
I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, sh*t-kickers, and Methodists! [Laughs hysterically and sinisterly]

Taggart:
[finally finding a pen and paper] Could you repeat that, sir?

Hedley Lamarr:
[Groan!]

[Bart dresses himself as a carnival barker and stands by a wishing well]

Bart:
Step right up, ladies and gentlemen and...Mongos! Dive, dive, dive for buried treasure! This is the exact spot where the Spanish Armada was sunk by the British Navy [They're in the middle of a desert on the Western Frontier], leaving millions and millions of Spanish dubloons at the bottom of the sea!

Mongo:
[excited] Spanish balloons? Mongo take chance!

Taggart:
We'll head them off at the pass!!

Hedley Lamarr:
"Head them off at the pass!?!" I hate that cliché!!

[He shoots Taggart in the foot while Lyle runs off, not wanting to anger his boss.]

Jim:
I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Lyle:
Don't pay no attention to that alky. He can't even hold a gun, much less shoot it.

[Jim preps himself by licking his finger and blowing it; Lyle, Taggart and their men take aim at Bart]

Lyle:
Like I said, on the count of three. One. Two. Three.

[Jim draws both of his own guns, shooting those of Taggart and Company out of their hands. The railroad workers cheer and congratulate Jim, while the villains struggle to take in what just happened]

Bart:
Well don't just stand there lookin' stupid, grasping your hands in pain. How about an applause for the Waco Kid.

[Taggart, Lyle and their men grudgingly applaud Jim.]

Hedley Lamarr:
Qualifications.

Rapist:
Rape, murder, arson and rape.

Hedley Lamarr:
You said rape twice.

Rapist:
I like rape.

Taggart:
[Chuckles] He'll do.

Hedley Lamarr:
Charming. Sign right here.

[The rapist signs his name]

Hedley Lamarr:
Very good. Badge. Next. Qualifications?

Gum-chewing outlaw:
Arson, armed robbery...mayhem.

Hedley Lamarr:
Wait a minute. What have you got in your mouth?

Gum-chewing outlaw:
[Stops chewing] Noth-um!

Hedley Lamarr:
"Noth-um", eh? Lyle.

Lyle:
[Pulls gum out of outlaw's mouth] Gum!

Hedley Lamarr:
Chewing gum in line, eh? I hope you brought enough for everybody!

Gum-chewing outlaw:
.[panicked] ..I didn't know there was going to be so many! [Lamarr shoots him dead]

Jim:
Boy, is he strict!

[Harriet Johnson reads her letter to the Governor]

Harriet Johnson:
[quietly] To the honorable William J. Le Petomane, Governor...

Townspeople:
Louder! We can't hear you!

Harriet Johnson:
I'm not used to public speaking.

[clears her throat]

Harriet Johnson:
WE THE WHITE, GOD-FEARING CITIZENS OF ROCK RIDGE

[The townspeople jumps in shock.]

Harriet Johnson:
...wish to express our extreme displeasure with your choice of sheriff. Please remove him immediately! The fact that you have sent him here just goes to prove that you are the leading a**hole in the state!

[Bart, disguised as a Klansman, describes his qualifications as a villain]

Bart:
Stampeding cattle.

Hedley Lamarr:
That's not much of a crime.

Bart:
...through the Vatican?

Hedley Lamarr:
[smiling] Kinky. Sign here.

[Jim, also disguised as a Klansman, covers for Bart's slip]

Jim:
Why Rhett! How many times have I told you to wash up after a weekly cross-burning? See, it's coming off.

Bart:
And now, for my next impression... Jesse Owens!

Governor William J. Le Petomane:
Holy underwear! Sheriff murdered? Innocent women and children blown to bits? We've got to protect our phoney-baloney jobs, gentleman! We must do something about this immediately! Immediately, immediately! Harrumph, harrumph!" [Other staff 'harrumph' as well] I didn't get a "harrumph" out of that guy!

Hedley Lamarr:
Give the governor "harrumph"!

Staff member:
Harrumph!

Governor William J. Le Petomane:
You watch your ass.

Hedley Lamarr:
...Today, we embark on a crusade to stamp out runaway decency in the West. You will be risking only your lives, while I will be risking an almost-certain Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor. Raise your right hands for the pledge. And repeat after me: I...

Men:
I...

Hedley Lamarr:
...your name...

Men:
...your name...

Hedley Lamarr:
[to himself] Shmucks. [continues aloud]

Hedley Lamarr:
...pledge allegiance...

Men:
...pledge allegiance...

Hedley Lamarr:
...to Hedley Lamarr...

Men:
...to Hedy Lamarr...

Hedley Lamarr:
THAT'S HEDLEY!

Men:
That's Hedley!

Hedley Lamarr:
...and to the evil...

Men:
...and to the evil...

Hedley Lamarr:
...for which he stands.

Men:
...for which he stands.

Hedley Lamarr:
Now go do... that voodoo... that YOU do... SO WELL...! [Men shoot at the sky in joy and ride off]

Sheriff:
Good morning mam. And isn't it a lovely morning?

Old Woman:
Up yours N*gger!

Church Congregation:
[singing] Now is a time of great decision / Are we to stay or up and quit? / There's no avoiding this conclusion / Our town is turning into [TV edit; organist misses a note, deleting the obscenity].

Governor William J. Le Petomane:
Work, work, work, work, work, work, work. (turns to the bosom of a female staffer) Hello boys! Have a good night's rest? I missed you!

Governor William J. Le Petomane:
Gentlemen, affairs of state must take precedent over... affairs of state.

Bart:
Alright, here we go. Hold your ears, folks. It's showtime!

Hedley Lamarr:
There might be a legal precedent. Land snatching. [searches books] "L-l-land. See snatch."

Hedley Lamarr:
[Hailing a cab in Hollywood] Drive me off this picture!

Hedley Lamarr:
[his last line, after Bart outdraws him in a climactic shootout @ Graumann's Chinese Theater in Hollywood] ...How did he (Douglas Fairbanks) do such fantastic stunts - with such little feet?

Jim:
It got so that every pissant prairie punk who thought he could shoot a gun would ride into town to try out the Waco Kid. I must've killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. Got pretty gritty. Started hearing the word "draw" in my sleep. Then one day, I was walking down the street when I heard someone shout, "Reach for it, mister!" I turned around to see who it was, and there I was, standing face-to-face...with a 6 year-old kid. I just put my guns down and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass!

Lili Von Shtupp:
Come on, Lamarr, let's get down to bwass tacks.

Lili Von Shtupp:
Why don't you, uh...loosen your bullets?

Lili Von Shtupp:
Let's face it. Everything below the waist is kaput!

Taggart:
[upon seeing a gate come down from a constructed wooden toll booth] Le Petomane Thruway?! Now, what'll that a**hole think of next? Does anybody got a dime? Somebody's gotta go back and get a shitload of dimes!

Lili Von Schtupp:
Willkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome, Come on in

Jim (the Waco Kid):
[as Bart puts on his guns to fight Mongo] No. Don't do that, don't do that. If you shoot him you'll just make him mad.

Taggart:
[on testing for quicksand] Horses? We cain't afford t'lose no horses, you dummy! Send over a couple'a n*ggers.