Clone High

JFK:
Forget it, kid. No dry porking for you.

Gandhi:
(forces himself to undergo a JFK-like transformation) Fowah suppah I want a pawtty plattah.

JFK:
Wait a minute! Throw some 'er's and 'uh's in there. What's your hurry?

Tom Green:
So some of you may have been mean to a kid with ADD. That's not cool. Coffee? Anyone for - coffee anyone? All right, sorry. I like cotton candy. Check out my muscle. Potato chips. It's a Ferris wheel. So I guess what I'm trying to say is - plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag. Plastic bag.

Scudworth:
When life gives you lemons, you clone those lemons and make SUPER lemons.

JFK:
Do you mind? Some of us are trying to nail Catherine the Great here... Or should I say Catherine the So-So?

Mr. Butlertron:
I'm sorry, Wesley, you have ADD.

Gandhi:
Am I... dying?

Mr. Butlertron:
No, you have ADD - Attention deficit disorder, also you have ADHD, its hyperactive cousin.

Shadowy Figure:
[menacing] I think this is an issue we should talk about... in person.

Scudworth:
[excited] Maybe we could have dinner. Perhaps the Olive Garden. It's like eating in the private kitchen of a delightful Italian stereotype!

[sitting at a table booth with some ladies]

JFK:
This is a very tough time for me, without Cleo I'm a broken man. Hey, let's all go swimming in my pool, and by pool I mean bath tub, and by swimming, I mean *sex*.

Talking Peanut:
Sorry my boy Salty Seconds hahahaha

Toots:
Folks, you all know me. I'm Toots, Joan of Arc's foster grandpa. Now I may be blind, but I can see certain things loud and clear. This is a room full of scared people making a decision based on fear and ignorance. Now when I left the house this evening I intended to go to Giovanni's Italian Restaurant. I can tell I'm in the wrong place. So, if you'll excuse me, I'll leave and let you get on with your meeting.

JFK:
Ponce, wake up. I know you're not really dead. Stand up or I'll sock you one.

[punches Ponce de Leon]

JFK:
Oh, my God, I just killed my dead friend!

Shadowy Figure:
Listen, we've all done things we're not proud of after a good cross country meet, but that riot was unacceptable.

Scudworth:
Unacceptable? Did you see the pool? They flipped the b*tch!

[Ok rank:
5975 submissions:918 ]

Announcer:
Next time on a very special clone high, Will Abe and Joans student films reveal their true feelings for one other? How will Scudworth get himself out of another dangerous pickle? And what will become of Gandhi? I'd tell you but I haven't seen the episode yet, they were supposed to send it to me but there's this guy at work who totally hates me, if he gets me fired I'm going to kill his dog...

Scangrade:
Behold. I am SCANGRADE.

Shadowy figure:
Yes, after 50 years of standardized testing his power will be so great he'll...

Scangrade:
Take over the world. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Mr. Butlertron:
Oh yeah what a great (beep)cking ideeeeeeeeeea.

Scudworth:
Mr. B. Language.

JFK:
Hey, you! Half Pint, Junior Mint, Pipsqueak, Tiny Tim, Yardstick, Snack Pack, Wee Fella, Brown Leprechaun.

Gandhi:
Are you talking to me?

JFK:
Are uh you drunk enough to sleep with me?

[Joan of Arc kicks JFK in the face]

JFK:
Answer the question.

Abe:
I'll sleep when I die...

Joan of Arc:
You'll die if you don't sleep.

Gandhi:
Abe, remember how excited I was to see the movie "American Pie" that I didn't sleep the night before? And remember that scene where the guy has sex with the pie? Well, I don't. Because I fell asleep in the theatre.

[dramatic pause]

Abe:
Why don't you just rent it?

[Gandhi runs out of the room]

Scudworth:
Once I transplant these brainwave transmitters into the clones brains I will be able to see and hear everything they taste and smell.

Gandhi:
[pants fall down] [casually] Good thing there was nobody there to see that.

Van Gogh:
Oh yes... no-one indeed.

Stinky-poo:
Try and catch me, *b*tch*.

JFK:
Nothing bad ever happens to the Kennedys. [car flips over]

Mr. Sheepman:
Now, let's talk about yesterday's horrifying shenanigans and feel free to say anything, 'cause today I'm going to be your *care-iff*. You see... Okay, moving on. I know teenagers have an awful lot of confusing feelings, but today it is *unlawful* to bottle 'em up. You gotta *let 'em out!*... like I do, every night between 10 and 10:15, on a pillow shaped like my father... So let's brainstorm some constructive ways we can express ourselves.

Mr. Butlertron:
What would the real Joan of Arc have done?

Joan of Arc:
She would have stood up and told them how she felt. Then she would have been burned at the stake. But what are the chances of that happening again? He, he.

Mr. Butlertron:
Thirty-eight percent.

Abe:
I'd like to introduce my film, "It Takes a Hero". Here is my soul, friends, my soul.

Girl in Stands:
[to a giraffe playing football] I love you.

Bad Actor:
[Giraffe wins the game and gets beamed into a spaceship] He's going. Home.

Girl in Stands:
I have your baby in me, giraffe! [film ends]

[unenthusiastic clapping]

Gandhi:
"Black and Tan"! High five, racial pride!

George Washington Carver:
I don't like those movies, Mahatma. They're full of bad dialogue, contrived plot twists and they perpetuate racial stereotypes. [throws a ball of paper towards the garbage, misses]

Gandhi:
That's a nice stun gun Joan.

[Joan zaps him]

Joan of Arc:
Teen crisis hotline. We're here because we care.

JFK:
I didn't see it coming either. And by 'it,' I mean ME.

JFK:
I'm a Kennedy. I'm not accustomed to tragedy.

Gandhi:
If there's one thing Mahatma Gandhi stand for, its revenge.

Abe:
Joan! You're a girl, right? Do you know how to remove a bra?

Joan of Arc:
Grrr...

Abe:
I mean, do you step into it like pants, or pull it over like a shirt?

Joan of Arc:
[Referring to Cleo's bra] Why don't you just take the tissues out and it'll fall off?

Cleopatra:
[Gasps] You signed a nondisclosure agreement! I hope you have good lawyers, because I'm gonna sue your hand-me-down pants off, creature trash!

Abe:
Girls, girls, girls! You're both human beings. You both put your bras on one-leg-at-a-time.

[Principal Scudworth is seeking funding for his evil side-project, "Cloney Island"]

Mr. Butlertron:
Perhaps you could get Clone High a corporate sponsor. Those Pumas were rather fresh.

Scudworth:
Sell out? And turn the school into some profit-hungry corporation? (Beat) Why, that idea's as foolish as getting new brakes from anywhere but Midas.

Joan of Arc:
Are you trying suffocate me?

Cleopatra:
I'm sorry I didn't see you there. You're so flat chested.

[Joan slams Cleo's head into the wall]

Joan of Arc:
Choose your pillow because it is ON.

JFK:
Holy Toledo. They're fighting in their skivvies.

Talking Peanut:
Hi'o, Guvna's. I'd shake your hands, but, you know, peanut arms.

Krabby Cakes:
You've got crabs, ass-face.

Scudworth:
From now on I'll be more sensitive to the emotional insecurities of today's youth.

[walking down the hallway]

Scudworth:
Outta' my way, fatty. You too, bad skin.

Chris Berman:
The odd thing is, my microphone isn't even plugged in.

Dan Patrick:
That's nothing. I've been talking into my fist for the last five minutes.

Elvis 1:
Oh, yeah, steamed vegetables. What'd momma make for you?

Elvis 2:
Nine fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches, and a thermos full of tranquilizers thank you very much. Glug glug glug glug glug. Ahhh.

[falls over]

Elvis 2:
I have left the building.

Toots:
Joanie. I thought you were dead. I shot you for biting me so much.

Martin Luther King Jr.:
I had a dream, a dream we had ham and cheese sandwiches for lunch. But Moses, you are shattering my dream.

Moses:
But Martin Luther King Jr., you know I'm a Jew, and also lactose intolerant.

Robomatronic Abraham Lincoln:
And fellow Americans, as we weave the fabric of our nation back together, I say to you: Try the Churros.

Abe:
I will, Mr. President. I will.

Gandhi:
Oh my God. It's not a kid in a costume, it's a living thing.

Gandhi, Genghis:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Gandhi:
Oh my God. He was genetically engineered with a zipper.

Gandhi, Genghis:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Gandhi:
Oh my God. Who's driving the van?

Gandhi, Genghis:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Gandhi:
Snowflake Jake, this holiday's mascot, will come to my house and bring me spices upon spices.

Joan of Arc:
Oh joyous day.

Abe:
It's just not snowflake day without a lamb taco.

Snowflake Jake:
Now, go empty me chum-bucket, it's startin' to smell like a day-old hooker.

Joan of Arc:
I hate you, you nasty crap-eating monkey.

Scudworth:
Real mature, Mr. Jerkatron.

Mr. Butlertron:
Oh Wesley. At least I'm not a pompous china dog whose evil plans suck the devils ASS. That's right WESLEY. Find yourself a new best FRIEND.

Gandhi:
Now that my testicles have descended, I can't wait for some serious dry humping.

Gandhi:
Abe, I like my humping like I like my martini's... drrrrrrrrrrrrrry.

JFK:
Ask not what your student body president can do for you... Ask what you can do to your student body president's body.

Joan of Arc:
Jes?s Cristo, do you know the story of Joan of Arc?

Jes?s Cristo:
Yeah I saw the movie when it was out on DVD, homes! She's like 16, right, and then God told her to make da Frenchies fight the Englishes you know people dat drink tea all da time and have big teeth? And then people started getting mad because she was hearing voices and then at the end she got burned at the stake, pretty good I give it thumbs up, homes!

Joan of Arc:
Basically. I've never been able to live up to her, and that's why instead, I became a cynical, angst-ridden goth girl, but now I'm hearing voices! Religious voices!

Jes?s Cristo:
Damn. Wait, did they tell you who going to win the Latin Grammys. If it's Ricky Martin, don't tell me, don't tell me. It's Ricky Martin, huh?

Joan of Arc:
This is totally freaking me out!

Jes?s Cristo:
Hey, take a hit, relax! God's message can be a total trip. But ya know you gotta do what he tells you eh, because God has a plan for all of us. A painful, painful plan.

Gandhi:
Shut up!

JFK:
You shut up!

Gandhi:
Nooo... you shut up!

JFK:
[gasping] Did you just tell me to shut up?

Gandhi:
I did.

JFK:
Shut up!

Abe:
Welcome back, Joan.

Gandhi:
[to Joan] Hey, you got breasts.

Joan of Arc:
Geez, Abe. You grew, like, a foot.

Gandhi:
You grew, like, a pair of breasts.

Abe:
Luckily, the extra height doesn't feel that awkward.

Abe:
[Abe runs into a tree, falls down, then pops up] I'm up!

Joan of Arc:
I wish I'd seen you more over the summer, but I was at camp.

Gandhi:
Was it Breast Camp?

Joan of Arc:
Okay, you get one more!

Joan of Arc:
You know, Abe, I've been thinking. I'm going to date a lot more this year.

Abe:
Uh-huh, I want to date Cleopatra. She's attractive, smart, athletic, good looking, she's hot, photogenic, she takes pride in her appearance. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I admire her commitment to community service.

Joan of Arc:
You don't think dating an old friend would be better? You know, maybe someone that you take for granted?

Abe:
Nah, I like Cleo.

Joan of Arc:
But, Abe, think about it... like, an old friend that...

Abe:
[interrupting her] Nope! Cleo. Only... Cleo.

Joan of Arc:
Abe, I'm so mad at you I could kiss you!

Abe:
What did you say, Joan?

Joan of Arc:
I said, I'm so mad at you I could piss glue.

Abe:
Really? It sounded like you said "I could kiss you."

Joan of Arc:
No, I said: "I could piss glue." It's a very common expression.

[about Gandhi's makeover]

Harriet Tubman:
He's like a shorter, darker Kennedy.

Glenn the Janitor:
Hi, I'm Glenn. I'm the school janitor. Ponce was like a son to me, probably because he was my foster son. My dead foster son. [sob] Son, I just want you to know...

Scudworth:
Oh janitor, some kid vomited in the hallway. Could you make with the sawdust and clean it up.

Glenn the Janitor:
Ah yeah, but I'm kinda giving my son's eulogy right now.

Scudworth:
Doo yeah. If you could just do it now. Your son will still be dead when you get back.

Abe:
Cleo sort of wants to... but I just don't know if I'm ready.

Abe's Foster Dad:
Well, foster son, over half of high school students nation-wide have chosen abstinence, which is a good choice. But, they're not dating Cleo-friggin-patra! Have you seen that girl's ass? It's built like the Space Shuttle! Oh, this could be your only chance to drown the slippery otter! To harpoon the salty longshoreman! To verb the adjective noun!... But abstinence is a good choice as well.

Narrator:
Last year, Abe said he was 15 years old. Now he claims to be 16. Which is it, Abe? Better keep your story straight. He'd also like you to believe he's not a baby eater. But he's never gone on record saying he isn't. Maybe he's too busy eating babies!

Police Officer:
Well, well, well. If it isn't my old friend, underage drinking. So, we meet again. How are you, underage drinking? Besides illegal!

John Stamos:
You conga everyone in the flash freezer. And I...

[coughs]

John Stamos:
I'll pull the switch, freezing them instantly.

Scudworth:
But you'll be trapped inside. And I tried to kill you.

[beat]

Scudworth:
Repeatedly.

John Stamos:
Yeah, I know. But it turns out I'm just a really nice guy. Helping others is what John Stamos is all about.

Scudworth:
I first got the idea for Cloney Island after seeing the movie Jurassic Park 3. But my ill-conceived amusement park will be filled with human clones instead of zoo animals. It's as fool-proof as the amusement park in the movie itself!

Mr. Butlertron:
Penny for your thoughts.

Joan of Arc:
Oh, Mr. Butlertron, I wanted... I mean my friend wanted to show girls could do anything boys can. But in the process, she ended up hurting the one boy she loves most.

Mr. Butlertron:
"Your friend" should listen to her heart. I'm not programmed to wink but if I were programmed to wink I would have winked when I said "your friend".

JFK:
Hark! That sounds like the gentle knock of a vulnerable teenage girl.

[door opens; Joan is standing in the rain]

JFK:
You're wet. Allow me to dry you off... with my pants!

Gandhi:
Abe, I just polled everyone in the girls' bathroom - you're ahead!

Abe:
I knew the poll - did you say I was winning?

Gandhi:
Straight up, man. Numbers don't lie.

[the Number 4 runs across the library]

The Number 4:
I'm the number five!

Joan of Arc:
Ugh! Why do guys always go for giggly, vapid sluts?

JFK:
Hark! I just heard a word that starts with an S, ends with an S, and has a "lut" inside. A "lut" of me!

JFK:
Hey baby, want a corsage? 'Cause I got a delicate flower for ya... in my pants!

Joan of Arc:
[dressed up as a guy, to Abe] Forget about Cleo, she's a skanky ho.

Joan of Arc:
[dressed as a man] There was this girl...

Boys:
Yeah? Yeah?

Joan of Arc:
And I kissed her...

Boys:
Yeah? Yeah?

Joan of Arc:
And then we held each other until the sun came up.

Joan of Arc:
[pause] And then I nailed her.

Boys:
Yay!

Abe:
Look, Kennedy, we kissed. And I don't want to exaggerate the importance of it, but we're going to be together forever.

Tom Green:
Hey, you're reading my book. Touch the book. Lick the book. Lick the book, lick the book, lick the book, lick the book, lick the book, lick the book, lick the book, lick the book, lick the book, lick the book. Book, book, book, book, book, book, book, book, book, book. Yeah, I haven't read it either. People with ADD, they aren't good readers. Wanna go shave a dog?

Scudworth:
In addition to my crippling bunions from last year, I have also been diagnosed with corns. But in this happy season, we all have to be thankful, thankful that the planters warts in my other foot have been removed. Save one, I call him Gary, and he's part of the family now. He'd better buy me a good present!

Cleopatra:
You're serving the crackers! Where else am I gonna get a cracker girl at this late hour?

Toots:
Uhh... Fourth and Maple.

Mr. Butlertron:
Are you A: handsome; B: smart; C: scrap metal; or D: all of the above?

Scangrade:
That's easy! I'm A and B. But not C... So I can't be all of the above, but... you can't fill in two ovals! Noooooooo! [explodes]

Mr. Butlertron:
The answer is C... you f***wad.

Gandhi:
Rhythm is everywhere!

Announcer:
Previously on a very special Clone High: This is a really long episode so I am going to go fast. Joan likes Abe. Abe's dating Cleo. It's a crazy love triangle. Let's start the show.

Announcer:
Next time, on a very special Clone High: The whole thing's a freakin' rock opera! Starring Jack Black! Wanna see more? Watch the friggin' show! It's free buddy. I'm drunk.

Abe:
So how's the conflict? Mediated? Hello? [Short pause] Dinger!

Cleopatra:
Abe get down! DOWN! Joan went crazy after we divided to room. She's like a monkey in every way.

Abe:
[Joan does a Tarzanesque swing from the top of the bed and starts throwing things at Cleo. ] I didn't expect that you two would divde the room horizontially.

Cleopatra:
Bunkbeds Abe! Think! Ugh!

Cleopatra:
[Cleo flings her false eyelashes at Joan and they stick in the wall beside Joan's head] YANKEE GO HOME!

Abe:
I think what Cleo is trying to say is that she would be more respectful of Joan if she...

Joan of Arc:
DIE DIXIE SLUT!

Abe:
I think Joan brings a good arguement to the table. [Joan and Cleo continue to throw things at each other] That's it Joan in the north and Cleo in the south hear me when I say a bedroom divided cannot stand on its own.

Abe:
[Joan and Cleo throw flaming containers at each other which mistakenly hit Abe in his face after which he plummets out the two storey window into Cleo's swimming pool. He gurgles] Storm's a brewin'.

Abe:
How are my two favourite girls?

Joan of Arc:
Abe remind me. Do you like Cleo because she's conceited or because she's a whore?

Abe:
[laughs] Ho! Ho! Ho!

Cleopatra:
And Abe remind me. Is Joan your best friend because of some elaborate joke or because of sympathy.

Abe:
[laughs] Ho! Ho! Ho!

Marie Antoinette:
[unenthused] Welcome to the Grassy Knoll. Try our new smoothie with pomagranate juice.

JFK:
Can I try that with melons? And Coconuts?

Gandhi:
Can I have some yams?

JFK:
Hey get your own jokes. The booby bit is MINE!

JFK:
Can I have some "cans" of milk.

Gandhi:
Yeah and some "jugs" of cream.

JFK:
Alright you just brought yourself a knuckle massage! [Crowd begins to chant fight]

Abe:
A fight? Guys? GUYS? My conflict mediation seminar taught us how to reslove conflict.

JFK:
[JFK punches Gandhi in the chin] I've got your "berries" right here and by berries I mean my foot in your berries. [Spits] Pun thief.

Joan of Arc:
I never thought hell could be this pink.

Cleopatra:
[opens up a drawer in her jewelry box] You can put your stuff in here. If we're going to share a room I need you to sign this. [produces a form] It's a non-disclosure agreement. It phrohibits you from discussing such things as my pre-morning make-up face and my mid-moring bowel movement.

Gandhi:
I don't wanna live in a world where buds dis their homeboys. You're a high-school principal, you don't know what it's like to be lonely!

Scudworth:
On the contrary, Gandhi. Some principals do feel loneliness. We're not the invincible gods that teen magazines would have you believe.

Gandhi:
Then I guess there's no hope for guys like us...

Scudworth:
There's always hope, Gandhi. When life gives you lemons, you clone those lemons and make super-lemons. So go down to that Awareness Fair, stand up for what's right, and bring me back a funnel cake!

Cleopatra:
[to Joan] Oh, sorry, I didn't see you there.

JFK:
I did but I didn't say anything.

Cleopatra:
And for a fundraiser I'm hosting an open-mouth kissing booth.

Joan of Arc:
Oh, for herpes awareness?

Toots:
Folks, you all know me. I'm Toots, Joan of Arc's foster grandpa. Now, I may be blind, but I can see certain things loud and clear. This is a room full of scared people making decisions based on fear and ignorance. Now, when I left the house this evening, I intended to go to Giovanni's Italian Restaurant. I can tell I'm in the wrong place. So, if you'll excuse me, I'll leave and let you get on with your meeting.

Singers:
Did you hear? Did you hear? Gandhi has ADD? Incurable disease. Did you hear? Did you hear? Don't tell Paul Revere. Gandhi is contagious. Totally outrageous. A disease with initials. That's the worst kind. ADD has warped his mind. Did you hear? Did you hear? Don't tell Paul Revere! Don't tell Paul Revere! Don't tell Paul Revere!

Paul Revere:
[riding by on a horse] TOOOOOOO LAAAAAAATTTTTE! Gandhi has ADD! Gandhi has ADD! You get it from toilet seats! Use a protective sheet!

Singers:
Attention deficit disorder!

Scudworth:
Wheeeee! Experimental surgery!

Crowd member #1:
My discomfort with a man kissing another man is stonger than my hatred for people with ADD.

Paul Revere:
Hey, let's all accept Gandhi and shun Abe instead!

Scudworth:
Stamos! Damn his jet black hair and award winning smile! Oh I'm a failure! I start to dial, but i never call anyone back! You should see my car, it's a mess. I'm a mess. I go to the submarine sandwich restaurant and i leave my submarine sandwich restaurant value card at home every time! All I want is a free sandwich. STAMOS!

Abe Lincoln:
I think I might be in love with Joan! Do you think there's a chance she returns my feelings?

Joan of Arc:
[montage of various scenes of Joan *almost* telling Abe she loves him]

Abe Lincoln:
What?

Gandhi:
[slaps Abe]

Abe Lincoln:
I see.

Cleopatra:
Wait. You're named Abe, aren'tcha Abe?

Abe Lincoln:
To the max, Cleo. To the max.

Abe Lincoln:
Folks, For my next totally outrageous campaign stunt, I will ride this windsurfboard which is connected by a bungee cord to this monster truck, which my friend Gandhi will drive back and forth on this half-pipe. Just like the real Abe Lincoln would have done, had he the tools to do so.

Gandhi:
Hey, turn that frown upside down, Abe. At least it can't get any worse.

Abe Lincoln:
How many times have i told you not to say that? Now something worse is gonna happen. I've seen it on Happy Days. Watch, in 3, 2, 1.

Cleopatra:
Abe, I'm really confused about my feelings right now. I think I just need some time to be alone... with JFK. [runs away]

Gandhi:
Wait! At least it can't get any *better*!

Abe Lincoln:
It doesn't work that way Gandhi.

[a butterfly holding money flies in front of Gandhi]

Principal Scudworth:
And on this podium, captain of the football team and el capitan of the futbol team, JFK!

JFK:
I can't see due to the glare from Mena Suvari's enormous forehead.

Marilyn Manson:
Next question is for JFK. How do you respond to the criticizm that, unlike Abe and myself, you won't put yourself at risk of physical harm in order to gain approval?

JFK:
That is a uh good question scary androgynous white guy! And I would like to reply by uh taking my shirt off!

Abe Lincoln:
My bare-chested opponent raises a good point but is avoiding the fact that Extreme Blue is mad-packed with all 9 essential nutramites to fortify your x-zone.

JFK:
May I respond to that?

Marilyn Manson:
Yes you may.

JFK:
Abe's a tot muncher!

Abe Lincoln:
Oh yeah? For my rebuttal I'd like to dramatically gesture to this giant death-defying skateboard ramp behind me.

Principal Scudworth:
Fine! Whatever! This random *dog* is your new president!

[student body cheers]

X-Stream Erin:
Just sign this legit-ass contract!

X-Stream Mike:
And totally initial article seven!

Principal Scudworth:
[to the Board of Shadowy Figures] By the by, can I have two million dollars?

[pause]

Principal Scudworth:
You know, for dry erase markers and such. They've got some keen new colors... kiwi and... mango...

Abe:
You know what hurts the most, Joan? This nail I just stepped on. But there's a metaphorical nail in my other foot that hurts the second most, and it's from you backstabbing me. So maybe instead of the nail metaphor I should have used a stabbing metaphor, but I guess it's too late for that now, isn't it?

Joan of Arc:
I guess it is.

Mr. Butlertron:
Shouldn't you be saving some of this money for your secret plan instead of having me gold-plated and lowered?

Scudworth:
Don't get all up in my business, my hydraulically-outfitted friend. Why, I watched the first two-thirds of "MC Hammer: Behind the Music" and if there's one thing I learned about money it's that it never runs out!

Boy in the audience:
[dog wanders onstage after election] Hey check out that stray puppy!

Girl in the audience:
He's sooo cute!

Boy in the audience:
[dog licks unconscious Ghandi] And he's licking that dead Smurf's face!

[audience gasps and cheers]

Scudworth:
[applause-o-meter breaks] Fine, whatever, this random dog is your new president.

Scudworth:
[looking into a periscope in his office at Joan and Abe] Young, unsuspecting clones. Little do they know... I control them!

Scudworth:
[raises the periscope, which reveals Scudworth's head, wearing a folded paper pirate hat] The greatest minds the world has ever known! For what is more powerful than a high school PRINCIPAL?

Shadowy Figure:
[voice from the shadows] Doctor Scudworth!

Shadowy Figure:
[Scudworth yelps, as the man steps out of the shadows] I'm sorry to disturb you but there's growing concern among the Secret Board of Shadowy Figures that you may be... completely insane.

Scudworth:
Blasphemy! [Scudworth slowly removes his pirate hat and places it in a drawer marked Pirate Hats. He smiles at the Shadowy Figure]

Shadowy Figure:
Yeah well you do have a robotic butler named Mr. Butlertron.

Mr. Butlertron:
[Mr. Butlertron enters, carrying a tray] Anyone for scooooones?

Scudworth:
[Takes a scone] Why creating a mechanical British servant is no more eccentric than that tie you're wearing!

Mr. Butlertron:
[Shadowy Figure looks down. He's not wearing a tie. Mr. Butlertron's tray reemerges, carrying a tea pot and a cup] More tea, Wesley?

Scudworth:
He calls everyone Wesley. Don't know why.

Shadowy Figure:
Yeah that's facinating. But we're paying you to monitor these clones as closely as possible, so if you wanna keep your job, you can either write a report proving you know what it's like to be a student at Clone High...

Scudworth:
[Interrupting] I'll do no such thing!

Shadowy Figure:
-Or I'll kill you.

Scudworth:
[Typing on the computer] I'll title it, What It's Like to Be a Teenage Clone, colon, A Rope of Sand.

Mr. Butlertron:
[Mr. Butlertron enters scene] Good title, it draws the reader in without giving too much away.

Mr. Butlertron:
[Long pause] Wesleeeey.

Eleanor Roosevelt:
[Eleanor Roosevelt has a rather mannish physique] It's time for the Presidential Fitness Test! Where we make you even more insecure about your body by judging you while you perform arbitrary physical tasks!

Abe:
Can't believe we got Eleanor Roosevelt as our gym teacher.

Joan of Arc:
Yeah he's great. Hey Abe, tonight I finally have a night off from the help hotline, which is community service, and I wanted to know if you wanted to carpool to JFK's party...

Joan of Arc:
[Becoming apparent that Abe isn't listening] You know, to save gas...

Eleanor Roosevelt:
[Interrupts and gets in Joan's face] You like talking, Of Arc? Well you can TALK your tight little buns on down to the Principal Scudworth's office!

Eleanor Roosevelt:
[Joan leaves, Eleanor Roosevelt watching her] Slowwwwwly. Ohhhhhh yeah.

Van Gogh:
Am I on speaker-phone?

Gandhi:
Hey, everyone, would Gandhi put someone on speaker-phone?

Partygoers:
No!

Van Gogh:
Gandhi, how could you?

Gandhi:
Hey, Gandhi's anti-violence, not anti-comedy.

Abe Lincoln:
Have you ever been so attracted to someone that you're afraid you'll blurt out something stupid?

Joan of Arc:
I have a rash on my back.

Gandhi:
[Joan wants Gandhi to cover the Teen Crisis Hotline that night] Sure I buckled under the pressure of living up to the original Gandhi and became a non-stop party machine, but damnit, I still care. So, Joan, you can count on me.

Gandhi:
[later, on the phone at a huge party] Oh, no, not a party, we're just really busy here at the teen hotline. Whooooo! Suzie, Kelly, do me a favor and make out, aha ha ha ha.

Gandhi:
[returns to the phone]

Gandhi:
So, you're depressed...

Abe Lincoln:
How am I gonna get the beers?

Gandhi:
I've got an idea. Tell him he heard you wrong - tell him what you actually said was "I'll get the *beards*...

Abe Lincoln:
That doesn't make sense.

Gandhi:
But if you think about it, it would still be a pretty sweet party.

Partygoer:
[in Gandhi's thought bubble, wearing a beard] Whoo! Great party!

Gandhi:
[on the phone for the Teen Crisis Hotline] Look, I'll talk to you when you stop crying.

JFK:
My abs are so firm, you can grate cheese on em!

Gandhi:
[to JFK] Party at your place on Friday, right? Rockin!

Abe:
Yeah, psyched for the rager, JFK... dog!

JFK:
I will see you there, and by will, I mean won't! Hahaha!

JFK:
[walks out, comes back in] 'Cause you're not invited. I, uh, wasn't sure if I was clear earlier. So, uh, you're not. Invited, that is.

JFK:
[walks out, comes back in] To my party!

JFK:
[walks out, comes back in] Forgot to wash my hands!

Gandhi:
Well, Abe just think that you're the biggest loser in the school.

Joan of Arc:
[Everyone laughs at a mural of Gandhi that Van Goh has painted on the wall of the school depicting him in his birthday suit with a tree branch covering his erogenous zone] Thanks Van Goh.

Gandhi:
I hate this school.

JFK:
[Abe is standing in a rowboat with JFK like Dawson's Creek] Get off my dingy!

JFK:
[Cleo's head pops up from JFK's lap] Not you!

Scudworth:
Mr. Butlertron, my bosses are coming over for dinner and look at this place! I haven't changed a thing since I got my degree in the Mad Sciences from ASU.

Mr. Butlertron:
Maybe some overpriced knick-knacks will add a touch of class.

Scudworth:
They've got a great selection down at Restoration Pottery Pier and Barrel.

Mr. Butlertron:
Are you thinking what I'm programmed to be thinking?

[Scudworth pulls out a credit card]

Scudworth, Mr. Butlertron:
[together] Shopping spreeeee!

Announcer:
Previously on a very special Clone High: Joan made a declaration...

Joan of Arc:
Abe I want you.

Announcer:
Abe found a new form of recreation. He's not gay or anything. Abe actually likes Cleo, a girl. That was just a hilarious plot twist. Hey, you miss an episode it's your funeral. I'm talking to you, Doug.

Shadowy Figure:
[menacing] I think this is an issue we should talk about... in person.

Principal Dr. Cinnamon J. Scudworth:
[excited] Maybe we could have dinner. Perhaps the Olive Garden. It's like eating in the private kitchen of a delightful Italian stereotype.

Shadowy Figure:
We were thinking somewhere more... intimate. Your house. Next Friday. No dairy. [pause] Please.

Principal Dr. Cinnamon J. Scudworth:
Damnit! I haven't been to the Olive Garden in like forever!

Shadowy figure:
[In video conference with Scudworth] Look, we've all done things we're not proud of after a good cross-country meet. But that riot was unacceptable!

Scudworth:
Unacceptable! Did you see the pool? They flipped the b*tch!

Shadowy figure:
[Pounds fist on table] Principal Scudworth if you were running this school there would be no riots! Only clone soldiers trained for superior physical and intellectual combat!

Scudworth:
[Walking away, giggling to himself] Little do they know I have my own plans for these clones. Plans that don't involve these shadowy figures at all!

Shadowy figure:
[pause] You're talking in a normal indoor speaking voice.

Scudworth:
[Brow arches] So I AM!

Scudworth:
[Whispering] Little do they know I have my own plans for...

Shadowy figure:
[Interrupting] Scudworth! You're walking on thin ice man! Clone of Karen Carpenter thin! I think this is an issue we need to talk about... in person.

Scudworth:
[Enthusiastically] Maybe we could have dinner! Perhaps the Olive Garden! It's like eating in the private kitchen of a delightful Italian stereotype!

Shadowy figure:
[Menacingly] We were thinking somewhere more... intimate. Your house! Next Friday! No dairy!

Shadowy figure:
[pause] Please.

Scudworth:
[Video feed of Shadowy Figures turns off] Dammit! I haven't been to the Olive Garden in like forever!

Joan of Arc:
But, you don't know what you're doing!

Thomas Edison:
Or do I?

Joan of Arc:
No!

Thomas Edison:
Or is it yes?

Joan of Arc:
No!

George Washington Carver:
[on a fake boat set, trying to make a film with Gandhi] Say what?

Gandhi:
Cut. No! No, no, man, you're making me fall asleep... tah death, bro! 'K, the line is "Say whaaaaat?" [long and high-pitched]

George Washington Carver:
Say what?

Gandhi:
[inflected] "Say whaaaaat?"

George Washington Carver:
[normal] Say what?

Gandhi:
[with tone] "Say..."

George Washington Carver:
[repeating in normal tone] "Say"...

Gandhi:
[high-pitched] "Whaaaaaaaaa"!

George Washington Carver:
What?

Gandhi:
[inflected] Say whaaaat!

George Washington Carver:
[irritated] I! 'ey! This character is not me!

Gandhi:
[still in his acting mood] Say whaaaa...?

George Washington Carver:
Stop it! Listen...!

Abe Lincoln:
Thank you, Joan. Wherever you are.

Joan of Arc:
[right next to him] I'm right here.

Abe Lincoln:
So you are, Joan. So you are.

[repeated line]

Announcer:
Next time, on a very special "Clone High"...

Announcer:
Previously on a very special Clone High: Joan made a pass at Abe. Cleo made a pass at Joan. And Abe scored, but not on the court. If find sports metaphors very useful for making veil sexual references...

Crabby Cakes:
[to Scudworth] You've got crabs, Ass Face!

Gandhi:
G Spot rocks the G spot. G Spot rocks the G Spot.

JFK:
Wow... that rhymed... say hello to the next Bubba Sparxxx!

Scudworth:
Any group that controls this many fonts and is bold enough to use all these exclamation marks must be incredibly powerful! And soon, in fact this Thursday in the cafetorium, I shall become their leader!

Larry Hardcore:
See, I was into everything: weed, grass, ganga, reefer, marijuana, mary jane, I did it all. I even smoked pot once.

[smoking raisins]

Abe Lincoln:
It's ok, I have a very high tolerance for... *I can taste the SUN*!

Julius Caesar:
I've always enjoyed injesting raisins, but I never thought about smoking them. Well now I have. And I *want to do it*!

Creepy Trucker:
I was in my 18 wheeler late one night, at about the sleepy hour. When I come upon a cop car swerving around in the suicide lane. I could tell he was too sleepy to be driving right then and there. So I get up next to him try to guide him off the road with my rig. But I cut it a little too hard, sent that cop sailing right off a cliff. hahahahaha

Joan of Arc:
Did you kill him?

Creepy Trucker:
Kill him? I saved his life. Course he's a cripple now.

Gandhi:
Mom, Dad: I'm at a turning point in life. And today, I've made a life changing decision based on very poor information. I'm going to be... a trucker.

Ghandi's Foster Mom:
I'm going... to hang myself.

Ghandi's Foster Dad:
I have no son!

Ghandi's Foster Mom:
I'm getting out the good noose!

Joan of Arc:
Next week, on a very special Clone High. A mysterious male stranger comes to town, and he's brought a surprise ending with him that would shock you. Will her secret - wait, did I just say HER? Boy that was the ONE thing I wasn't supposed to tell you! I ruin EVERYTHING! It's like the time I spoiled the Sixth Sense for my friend Steve he SPECIFICALLY told me NOT to reveal the ending. Stupid, REALLY STUPID... why do we do this LIVE?

Announcer:
Previously on a very special Clone High: Joan got a new room mate. Abe and Cleo continued to date. And Gandhi became an inmate. Here's a paper plate.

[Joan of Arc is ranting about Snowflake Day to the girl in the dumpster]

Joan of Arc:
Who cares about spices and seasonings and traditional snowflake meats? Snowflake day is just another made up holiday courtesy of the Greeting Card Industry, just like Valentine's Day and Easter.

[Two Greeting Card Industry assassins stand on a rooftop nearby. One wields a rifle]

Greeting Card Industry Assassin:
[whispering] I can take her out right now.

JFK:
(falling)

Scudworth:
(walking over to Mr.Butlertron) What is this touchy-feely bullcrap?

JFK:
"I like your funny words, magic man!"