Common Side Effects

Rick Kruger:
Well, actually our research have shown overall that diarrhea is the most preferable side effect compared to, you know, the depression, suicidal thoughts, or even constipation.

Frances Applewhite:
[disgust] Oh, god. My boss just said "diarrhea" on stage. I'm gonna have to call you back.

Marshall Cuso:
Uh, hello. Yes, my question is, when will this company stop the destruction it's causing not just to indigenous communities --

Rick Kruger:
Okay, okay.

Marshall Cuso:
Excuse me, I-I have the floor.

Rick Kruger:
Alright, alright. As we said...

Marshall Cuso:
--In the Peruvian highlands, to rare local plants...

Rick Kruger:
Yeah, yeah. We have a whole system.

Marshall Cuso:
...to fungi, to an entire ecosystem --

Rick Kruger:
Can someone get security, please? I'm sorry.

Marshall Cuso:
No, we don't need security.

Rick Kruger:
Security, please.

Marshall Cuso:
[stammering] Excuse me--

Rick Kruger:
Look, buddy, we're not doing this, okay?

Marshall Cuso:
Hold on, hold on. Let me finish. This company, *your* company, has destroyed fungal colonies that were there three million years. This is a banisteriopsis. [laughs] Does that mean anything to you? It's been here since before insects.

[one of security guards touches Marshall]

Marshall Cuso:
Hey! Don't touch me. Do not touch me. Don't touch the plant.

Rick Kruger:
Thank you, thank you. I-I'm sorry, everybody.

[Marshall leaves]

Marshall Cuso:
I'm exercising my rights! My name is Marshall Cuso. I am a share holder-- EXCUSE ME! If I disappear, investigate Reutical Pharmaceuticals. They may attempt to harm me. They have harmed me in the past.

Rick Kruger:
Hippie living with his Mom.

Marshall Cuso:
Can I -- Can I tell you a secret?

Frances Applewhite:
Uh, yeah, please.

Marshall Cuso:
Okay, just go with me for a minute. What if there were a medicine that could heal, like, almost anything?

Frances Applewhite:
Well, yeah, that would be great. Sure.

Marshall Cuso:
Yeah, right? But what if they didn't want you to know about it?

Frances Applewhite:
"They"? Sorry, whos' "they"?

Marshall Cuso:
"They" is big pharma, it's the insurance companies, the government. Think about all the people who make tons of money just from keeping us sick, by keeping us unwell.

Frances Applewhite:
Yeah, that would be sick.

[Marshall sees a pigeon]

Marshall Cuso:
Well, yeah. It's a sick world.

[Marshall grabs the pigeon and snaps its neck]

Frances Applewhite:
WHAT THE F***?!

Marshall Cuso:
But there's a cure.

[Marshall sprinkled blue angel mushroom dust on the dead pigeon to come back to life]

Frances Applewhite:
[laughs] What the f***?

Male DEA Agent:
Guy's name is Marshall Cuso.

Male DEA Agent #2:
He's the one playing with the pigeon?

Male DEA Agent:
Now, don't let that fool you. He's a dangerous man. Got a Monopoly on some kind of new drug. Something very powerful.

Female DEA Agent:
It's plant-based, maybe a mushroom or a seed. It could be hallucinogenic, addictive, fatal.

Male DEA Agent:
They want it nipped in the bud.

Male DEA Agent #2:
"They"?

Male DEA Agent:
...

Male DEA Agent #2:
Oh, okay, yeah. [clicks tongue] Okay, so who do we got?

Female DEA Agent:
Right. Um, I have one free team. Copano and Harrington.

Male DEA Agent #2:
Great. Are they any good?

Male DEA Agent:
...

[cuts to the next scene where Copano and Harrington are enjoying life as always while listening to Jump In The Line by Harry Belafonte]

Male DEA Agent:
Yeah, Copano -- Yeah, Copano and Harrington. Yeah, yeah, they're good. They're good. Copano and Harrington are good.

Frances Applewhite:
A mushroom?

Marshall Cuso:
Not just any mushroom. The caviar, the ghost orchid of mushrooms. I mean, the chances of this growing naturally -- Frances, it's like a one-in-a-billion Goldilocks situation.

[as the pilot was about to fly off, Marshall managed to get in the plane after getting chased by the police helicopters]

Marshall Cuso:
You couldn't wait one more minute?

[the pilot gets shot]

Marshall Cuso:
Oh, my god. Oh, my god!

[while Marshall is still talking about his mushroom story, he still couldn't figure out who the pilot's name was who died in a plane crash]

Coffee Guy:
Flat white for Gegory! Gegory!

Marshall Cuso:
That has to be "Gregory", right? Anyway, I'm almost out of mushrooms --

Gegory:
[to the coffee guy] Hey, what's up? For Gegory? Thanks.

Marshall Cuso:
So that really was his name. Gegory.

Frances Applewhite:
Marshall!

Marshall Cuso:
Right. Sorry.

Marshall Cuso:
I mean, he's not even smart enough to be evil. Rick Kruger? He's just a functionary of demonic forces. He's like the devil's idiot butler.

Agent Harrington:
Copano, is Celery Carrot's cousin or a sibling? You don't have to answer right away.

Agent Copano:
Huh, yeah. Okay, Agent Harrington. I think I finally figured it out.

Agent Harrington:
Okay, I'll pretend I'm not listening.

Agent Copano:
Dallas. Dealey Plaza, where Oswald shoots JFK.

Agent Harrington:
Allegedly. [chuckles]

Agent Copano:
[scoffs] Now, Austin. You know the tower? Charles Whitman? He was messed up.

Agent Copano:
Next Oklahoma City. What happened there?

Agent Harrington:
The bombing?

Agent Copano:
Exactly. Timothy McVeigh. He was obsessed with what? With Waco.

Agent Harrington:
Do you think my haircut makes me look like Timothy McVeigh? Maybe not now that it's grown out.

Agent Copano:
No! I think it looks good.

Agent Copano:
But, that's not all. Killeen, first real mass-shooting event in America. A guy shot 27 people in a Luby's Cafeteria.

Agent Harrington:
How do you know all this?

Agent Copano:
Look at this, man. Shooter corridor right through here. I'm thinking they're gonna send us up here or down here, to stop the next one.

Agent Harrington:
Look what I made. [makes a dna out of tape]

Male DEA Agent:
Copano, Harrington, follow me.

Agent Harrington:
Are we going somewhere on the map?

Male DEA Agent:
Map? No, no, that had to do with the kids -- There were kids coming in. We were showing them the different [sighs] -- The -- Forget the map. Let's go.

[while the video crew plays outtakes of a pharma commercial]

Commercial Woman:
[chuckles] But thanks to Enablin, stains on my pants? They aren't one of my worries.

[Outtake 2]

Commercial Woman:
[chuckles] But thanks to Enablin, stains on my pants? They aren't one of my worries.

[as one of the video crew stops the video, they see Rick playing a game on his phone]

Video Guy #1:
So, uh...

Rick Kruger:
So, that's the take? That's the one we're gonna use? Is Frances here?

Frances Applewhite:
[just came in] Yeah, uh-huh.

Rick Kruger:
Frances, do you like this?

Frances Applewhite:
Uh, for what it is, uh, yes? From a marketing perspective, uh, maybe a bigger conversation?

Rick Kruger:
Ugh, marketing. Lotta those types are gonna have to get fired.

Frances Applewhite:
You know what, guys? Take a couple frames off the top. Also, is the logo the old version? Can we adjust it, just so we have it?

Video Guy #2:
Um, okay.

Rick Kruger:
Hey, there you go, Frances. Boy, you really know how to sell medicine for geriatric incontinence and urine leakage, don't ya? [chuckles]

[Video Guy #1 plays the legal disclaimer on commercial]

Announcer:
Dry mouth, constipation, nausea, stomach upset, stomach pain, blurred vision, dry eyes, skin irritation, loose bowel movements, disturbed sleep --

[pauses the video]

Rick Kruger:
[sighs] Is that -- We have to say all that?

Frances Applewhite:
All the language came from legal, so...

Rick Kruger:
Ugh. Okay, well, how fast can you play that?

Video Guy #1:
Here's 1.8.

[plays the video]

Announcer:
[sped-up] Dry mouth, constipation, nausea, stomach upset, stomach pain, blurred vision, dry eyes --

[pauses the video]

Rick Kruger:
That's -- That's too fast. Sounds like an elf. Try one unit less.

Video Guy #2:
Do you want the part about the ice chips?

Rick Kruger:
Jesus, ice chips? What?

Announcer:
[sped-up] To relieve dry mouth, suck ice chips, chew sugarless gum, drink water, or use a saliva substitute --

[pauses the video]

Rick Kruger:
No, no, they're on their own for dry mouth. We don't need some lady choking on an ice chip and suing us.

Frances Applewhite:
Okay, so, your dinner reservation, I printed it. I know you like physical paper. It is on your desk, and tomorrow's crossword is also in there. I got it early --

Rick Kruger:
Just had a conversation with the board. Ugh, Jonas Backstein, god. You don't want him not happy. Those guys scare the sh*t outta me, to be honest.

Rick Kruger:
You know I haven't seen my wife in 3 weeks?

Rick Kruger:
Weird part is, she hasn't complained.

Frances Applewhite:
Rick, what would happen if I brought this company, like, a new product?

Rick Kruger:
A new product? You mean like a drug?

Frances Applewhite:
Yes, kind of. I-I don't know. Uh, still exploring. Just...kind of hypothetical.

Rick Kruger:
Well, if somebody brought something we can bring to market...I'd make that person very wealthy.

Frances Applewhite:
Oh. Um, okay. Let me explore.

Rick Kruger:
Well, hurry up, Magellan. Get me something by the end of Q3 and you can have my beach house.

[Agent Copano and Harrington listens to different music]

Agent Copano:
Okay, yeah, this hits. What's this?

Agent Harrington:
Italo Disco, one of my favorite genres. Although many of the top producers were in fact German.

Agent Copano:
I thought they only made sausages and chocolates and sh*t. Whatever, it's working.

Agent Copano:
Hey, let me ask you some something? This guy owns all the way back to that highway?

Agent Harrington:
Yeah, like 2,000-something acres.

Agent Copano:
And that's for drug money.

Agent Harrington:
He's done some wild stuff. I did a dive on the guy. Apparently, at some point, he analyzed bar codes in the New Hampshire Lottery, figured out which ones were winners, and won $11 million dollars. He was investigated, but apparently it was totally legal. Did you not read the file?

Agent Copano:
Oh, I read the file. He's an expert on Guassinode extraction. He has 3 bird named after him in New Guinea. He won the Havlstrom prize.

Agent Harrington:
Uh, correction -- He was runner up for the Havlstrom prize.

Agent Copano:
See? That's why we're partners. I knew he was a runner up. I was testing you. You passed.

Agent Harrington:
Does this seem like an everyday drug dealer to you?

Agent Copano:
Job's the job. Warrant's good?

[Harrington shows her warrant which was a complete success]

Agent Copano:
[jealous] Let's do this.

Frances Applewhite:
Hey, brainstorm with me for one sec. If you wanted to, like, delete any trace of where you worked, like, online, Facebook, LinkedIn...do you think that you could do that?

Nick:
[on his phone] Uh-oh. Who are you hiding from?

Frances Applewhite:
I just want to be more private.

Nick:
So -- Okay, so, I've been reading this interview with a psychologist who thinks that sex should be more like, um -- Like a form of play.

Frances Applewhite:
Yes, um, sorry, what -- What were you saying?

Nick:
Baby, just try looking into my eyes for like 30 seconds. It's really good for, like, our -- Our chakra, soul, sexual connection stuff.

Frances Applewhite:
...

Nick:
Babe?

Marshall Cuso:
[on phone] Hello? Frances?

Frances Applewhite:
Yeah. Yes. Hi! Oh. Where are you?

Marshall Cuso:
Um, actually, I-I'm in your neighborhood right now.

Frances Applewhite:
Really?

Marshall Cuso:
I know it's weird, but, uh, listen can we meet up? It's kind of urgent. Uh, and just two things to mention -- Some people are following me, and I brought my tortoise.

Marshall Cuso:
[on phone] Frances, are you still there?

Frances Applewhite:
Yes. I'm here.

Marshall Cuso:
Can you meet me really fast? I have to get out of town. I have something to give you. Once I do that --

Frances Applewhite:
Okay, can you just slow down for a second? What is going on, Marshall?

Marshall Cuso:
Just listen. I'd rather not say much right now. People are after me.

Frances Applewhite:
What? W-Wait. Which people?

Marshall Cuso:
Um, at least one federal agency. Look, just, if we just meet in person, I can explain.

Frances Applewhite:
Okay. Yes, yes. Okay. Oh, there -- There's this place that makes ramen burritos.

Marshall Cuso:
Ramen burritos, uh, do sound interesting, but maybe not right now.

[Frances sees his husband playing VR]

Frances Applewhite:
Babe! BABE!

Nick:
Yeah. One sec. Fish on the line here, babe.

Frances Applewhite:
Yeah. I have to run out real quick. F***ing, um, Rick has a problem.

Nick:
GAH! COME TO DADDY! MM! F***, YEAH! [takes off the VR] You gotta go, like, right now?

Frances Applewhite:
No, I know, I know, it's so dumb. Rick just called and he needs someone to--

Nick:
Alright, cool. Hey, babe? [gets on the VR] Pick me up some cheese. We need cheese.

Frances Applewhite:
I'm sorry. We *need* cheese? What kind of cheese?

Nick:
Uh, the good kind. Has a cow on it.

Frances Applewhite:
...

Agent Harrington:
They want us to wait for a mycologist.

Agent Copano:
Mycologist?

Agent Harrington:
Mushroom specialist.

Agent Copano:
Yeah, I know what a mycologist is. They don't trust us to find mushrooms?

Agent Harrington:
They want an expert.

Agent Copano:
I don't get it. They're acting like this guy is Mushroom El Chapo.

Agent Harrington:
He's not as bad as some of our other cases. He didn't dismember anyone and dump portions on them in different swamps.

Agent Copano:
Fair. I forgot that one. Nah, this guy, he's -- He's feeding ducks every night.

Agent Harrington:
Yeah. Those ducks.

Agent Copano:
Every night, 6:00pm. It's like they got an alarm clock.

Agent Harrington:
Do you think the ducks will come back tonight?

Agent Copano:
I bet they will.

Agent Harrington:
You'll bet, huh?

[Agent Copano and Harrington pinky swear their bets whether the ducks come tonight or not]

[Marshall sees Zane's fishes]

Marshall Cuso:
Oh, come on, is that a flowerhorn cichild? He can't have that in here.

Zane:
Hey, Marshall.

Marshall Cuso:
Oh, man. Zane. What are you doing, man?

Zane:
What are you doing here?

Marshall Cuso:
Well, it's kind of a long story, Zane. Listen, I've got this sick tortoise, and it's a bit urgent, so --

Zane:
Where'd you get this little guy? Is he from Madagascar?

Marshall Cuso:
Zane, I --

Zane:
Because I do not do business with tortoises from uh, Madagascar.

Marshall Cuso:
He's not from Madagascar, Zane. Look at this shell. He's from Peru. Okay?

Zane:
Um, can you do the thing with me?

Marshall Cuso:
Damn it, Zane. Come on.

Zane:
I wanna do the thing.

[Marshall and Zane do their creative handshake as they sing their song]

Marshall and Zane:
[singing] Half-brothers are real brothers, half-brothers are true!

Zane:
It wasn't that hard. Thank you.

[after Zane took one of his pills, he start to go full adrenaline after seeing Marshall's sick turtle]

Zane:
Um...okay! We'll just start here with a little Melaleuca, camphor, mild aromatic, analgesic, for any discomfort. Marshall, you're not very good at this. [laughs] Oh, you know what would be good? Thalassia testudinum, crude fiber and protein, dicalcium phosphate, kale, calcium carbonate, lysine, dried kelp, ascorbyl polyphorsphate, and a little lecithin just to be safe. Top it off with some sun-dried river shrimp, and some soybean meal, and he'll be good to go. Here you go.

Marshall Cuso:
Okay. Thank you, Zane. Uh, namaste. I gotta go.

Zane:
Actually, [chuckles] maybe you just wanna leave him here with me. [chuckles] A gorgeous specimen like this? [laughs] He needs the proper care of a responsible expert.

Marshall Cuso:
Um, no.

Zane:
[gets back to his senses] Was I a good brother, Marshall?

Marshall Cuso:
Zane.

Zane:
Was I at least as a good as a half-brother?

Zane:
Was I at least half-good?

Marshall Cuso:
Mm-hmm.

Zane:
Okay. Well, um, cool, cool. Are you gonna pay for all that sh*t or...?

Marshall Cuso:
[sighs] Okay.

Agent Harrington:
They executed a guy in Alabama last night. You know what his last meal was? Onion rings.

Agent Copano:
Onion rings?

Agent Harrington:
Yeah, just onion rings. That's it.

Agent Copano:
Pssh. Nah, my last meal, I'm having filet mignon, fries, and hash browns. Ceasar salad. Ooh, but, like, mostly the dressing. What do I care about lettuce if I'm dying. Martini, olives. Oh, and I got to have --

Agent Harrington:
They don't let you have alcohol.

Agent Copano:
Come on. It's my last meal.

Agent Harrington:
It's still prison. In fact, in most states, you can only get stuff they already make in the prison cafeteria.

Agent Copano:
Really? So you can't get, like, Pizza Hut or something?

Agent Harrington:
Not in most states.

Agent Copano:
So where do you think he went?

Agent Harrington:
Who?

Agent Copano:
They guy, Marshall. Somebody's not telling us something here.

Agent Harrington:
I'm not complaining. We got to spend some times in the country.

Agent Copano:
Two agents, overtime, motel room, per diem. That's a lot of resources.

Agent Harrington:
In the grand scheme of things, I don't think your egg-white omelets were that big of a deal. Nor was my burger, chicken fingers, and on our regrettable first day, tuna melt.

Teenage Woman:
I'm on 'shrooms and I'm at the store. What is my life?!

Frances Applewhite:
What? Why would you go to the store?

Rick Kruger:
Hey, listen, you wanna go to lunch with me?

Frances Applewhite:
What? Oh, I mean, um, yes. Um, is this, like a firing me thing because if it is I --

Rick Kruger:
Jonas Backstein canceled on me, which is not good.

Frances Applewhite:
Jonas the Wolf?

Rick Kruger:
Never use that nickname. He hates that. I just don't wanna waste my reservation at Tuh. It was impossible to get.

Frances Applewhite:
Yep. I know. I'm the one who got it.

Rick Kruger:
Neat. So you'll come.

Frances Applewhite:
Um, okay. Yeah. Just, um...it's actually pronounced Te.

Rick Kruger:
Sure. Yeah. Whatever. Reservation is 1:30, but I guess you know everything about the place.

Rick Kruger:
[to the waiter] Hey, could I have more of that squid-ink foam? That was delicious.

[the waiter nods and leaves]

Rick Kruger:
Ah! Well, the company is just completely f***ed. They brought me in as CEO with one job -- Settle the huge f***ing lawsuit that's coming after us because of the depression and the suicidal thoughts that were a side effect, allegedly, of Spumiva, which, you know, no one talks about how much arthritis we alleviated, but fine.

Rick Kruger:
Anyway, it turns out the surviving relatives are -- I was at the deposition. They were really...ah, their stories? A jury's gonna be in tears at some of this sh*t and that's not good for us.

Frances Applewhite:
Right.

Rick Kruger:
And then the testing's comin in on Omcutizane, and it is not good. We're basically just selling people hope at this point.

Rick Kruger:
Which arguably is better than nothing.

Frances Applewhite:
[skeptical] Mm.

Waitress:
[to Rick] Your squid-ink foam.

Rick Kruger:
Then the North Carolina dump situation is a whole mess. The attorney general down there is like a monkey on my back.

[Rick sees his squid-ink foam]

Rick Kruger:
I don't even want this. Do you want this?

Frances Applewhite:
Oh, uh, no, thank you.

Rick Kruger:
Frances, do me a huge favor and tell me some good news.

Frances Applewhite:
Okay, here it goes. Um, Rick, do you remember that new medicine I told you about? I think that it could really be something.

Rick Kruger:
Frances, we have hundreds of people who literally just find new medicines. You really have something they don't?

Frances Applewhite:
Well, yes. Well, okay, it's a little weird, but I ran into this guy I knew from high school. He's upstate, kind of a shaman sort of weirdo guy. But anyway, he found this mushroom.

Rick Kruger:
Mushroom? What kind?

Frances Applewhite:
Well, it -- It works like stem cells, where it, like, heals everything in your body --

Rick Kruger:
Is this thing worth my time? I'm super busy.

Frances Applewhite:
I honestly think it might be -- I think I should go after it.

Rick Kruger:
Well, where is this guy? Just talk to Mario at the garage, get my Beemer.

Frances Applewhite:
You want me to go right now? I mean, I did have some wine.

Rick Kruger:
It was mostly just whites.

Rosie:
Hello? [on phone]

Marshall Cuso:
Rosie. I got raided.

Rosie:
F***ing government. If it's not the Forest Service, f*** you on your firewood permit, they're raiding your house.

[while Frances is searching inside Marshall's house, the Mulvaney Twins arrive to make a fire trash can to burn all of Marshall's stuff inside the house]

Mulvaney #1:
Give that over here.

[Mulvaney #2 gives the gasoline to his brother]

Mulvaney #2:
Louis, it's papers. It doesn't have to be that big.

Mulvaney #1:
No, it don't. But it is. Deal with it.

[as Mulvaney #2 throws the matchstick into the trash can, the fire flamed stronger]

Mulvaney #2:
Ah, sh*t!

[Mulvaney #1 tries to blow the fire away, but knocks down the trash can, accidentally burning Marshall's house down]

Mulvaney #2:
[to his brother] You f***in' idiot!

Agent Harrington:
Amelia? Mushroom expert?

Amelia:
Mm-hmm.

Agent Copano:
I hope you don't mind, but we're kind in a hurry. Gotta catch some ducks.

Agent Harrington:
[to Amelia] They're not gonna be there.

Agent Copano:
[doesn't care]

Agent Harrington:
So because of the leak, there was actually a mushroom, growing in my drywall.

Amelia:
Yeah, they can grow anywhere. I wonder what that was? Peziza domiciliana, maybe?

Agent Harrington:
Maybe you can give me your number. I can text you some pictures of it.

Amelia:
I put it in as "Amelia Mushrooms".

Agent Harrington:
Is that really your last name? Just kidding.

Hospital Woman:
Oh, Frances. Don't usually see you during the week. Visit hours are almost over, but--

Frances Applewhite:
Yeah, look. I know. I just...I just really want to see my Mom.

Hospital Woman:
Okay. We do need to talk to you though, about that, actually. Given your mom's condition, they want to move her to a different facility, but--

Frances Applewhite:
What?! No. We can't move her. I-- Look. I called about this. I-I spoke with the person -- I think it was Diane -- Who runs--

Hospital Woman:
Okay, Frances. That's the facility. But this is an insurance issue, and if they're not gonna cover it, we need to know because --

Frances Applewhite:
God. Okay. Okay. Look. I will get the money somehow. Okay?

Nick:
Okay, I was gonna wait until the wine got here, but I'm too excited. You know how you're always talking about how you really want a bathtub, but every bathtub in new York is, like, disgusting because people keep mops and sh*t in there?

Frances Applewhite:
Okay?

Nick:
Well, I booked us this place! That's your bathtub!

Frances Applewhite:
A clean bathtub?

Nick:
Just for a weekend. But -- But you can take a bath.

Frances Applewhite:
[on phone] Marshall?! Oh, my god! I've been looking for you! What the actual f***? Two insane things happened to me today -- You visited my Mom, and, also, someone burned down your f***ing house.

Marshall Cuso:
Whoa, whoa. What? Ugh! Rosie was supposed to just burn some notebooks, but the f***ing Mulvaney twins. I knew this would happen.

[after Marshall gets hanged up from Frances in the subway]

Mysterious Passenger:
Hey!

Marshall Cuso:
[gasps]

Mysterious Passenger:
[holds a bag of movie discs] Do you like movies?

Marshall Cuso:
Um, yeah. [leaves]

Male DEA Agent #2:
Hey. Why don't we, um, leave Amelia to sort out the "micrology" of it all?

Amelia:
Mycology.

Male DEA Agent #2:
[chuckles] Right. Right. Yup. Okay. That's why she's the best.

[while Amelia is examining Marshall's stuff from the raid]

Agent Harrington:
Hey. Oh, no. Wait. Let me start again. Um -- [clears throat] Uh, hey. Anything good? [grabs a black mushroom] What's this one?

Amelia:
Don't touch that! That's poisonous!

Agent Harrington:
...

Amelia:
[laughs] Kidding.

Frances Applewhite:
Hi, Rick. Okay. Yesterday's expedition did not work out, to find the new drug that I was telling you about. The mushroom.

Rick Kruger:
[groans] Classic my life right now.

Frances Applewhite:
Yeah, the place burned down. Actually, it was really scary.

Rick Kruger:
Yeah. Some of these amateur scientists guys are real freaks.

Frances Applewhite:
Okay. Rick, I would like to discuss a raise.

Rick Kruger:
Ugh. This is not the time for raises, Frances. But just hang in there, okay? If we can crawl our way back to life, we can all make a lot of money here. You ever had a lot of money?

Frances Applewhite:
No.

Rick Kruger:
Well, it's real nice. I tell you what. I'll give you a taste. We're going on vacation. Or -- Or a trip anyway. We're going to Switzerland.

Frances Applewhite:
Wait. What?

Rick Kruger:
Yeah. Jonas the Wolf wants to see me there. Can't be good. So you're coming with me.

Frances Applewhite:
How long are we expected to be there?

Rick Kruger:
Uh, a week? However long it takes to put hot fire pokers up my ass or whatever they're gonna do to me.

Frances Applewhite:
And this -- It won't count as my vacation days?

Rick Kruger:
Damn it, no. You'll get paid. How many vacation days do you get anyway? 30?

Frances Applewhite:
Rick, I get 5!

Rick Kruger:
Ooh. Hire a lawyer.

Janet:
[on phone] Well, Dr. Lees agrees with me about the emotional labor.

John:
Okay. Janet...I take out the trash. I pick up Daisy's giant piles of sh*t in the yard. That's *your* dog?! Is that not labor?!

[while Marshall is driving in an ice cream truck with his pet tortoise, he starts to turn on some tunes that plays Do Your Ears Hang Low]

Marshall Cuso:
[laughs]

Marshall Cuso:
Oh, I just realized we're gonna disappoint a lot of kids. [turns off the music]

Agent Copano:
27 steps exactly from the elevator to the door. Booyah.

Agent Harrington:
You took small steps.

Agent Copano:
What're we getting up to tonight?

Agent Harrington:
I, um -- I have a date.

Agent Copano:
Oh, cool, cool. Heh. Who's the lucky lady?

Agent Harrington:
Amelia.

Agent Copano:
Amelia Mushrooms? The mycologist?

Agent Harrington:
I'm making it complicated.

Agent Copano:
[chuckles] Okay. Hey. Have fun with Amelia Mushrooms. Yeah, I'll probably get up to somethin'. Ha!

Agent Harrington:
Hey, I know you're a detective and all, but don't spy on my date.

Agent Copano:
Behave yourself, okay? [smiles]

[Marshall gives Hildy a blue angel mushroom to come back to life again, after Hildy stupidly shoots herself to see if Marshall founds the real fungi that can heal humans and animals]

Hildy:
You found it! It's real! And you f***ing found it!

Hildy:
That is a serious mushroom. Who else knows about this?

Marshall Cuso:
No one. No one. Just -- Just, um...Frances.

Hildy:
And who is Frances?

Marshall Cuso:
My old lab partner.

Hildy:
Lab? NIH?

Marshall Cuso:
No. Um, Lincoln High School.

Hildy:
Marshall. Did some girl make puppy-dog eyes at you? And so now you're giving away the world's greatest mushroom?! PATHETIC!

[Agent Copano and Harrington sees each other in the morning that they got two cups of coffee]

Agent Copano:
What the -- It's Thursday!

Agent Harrington:
Yeah. It's Thursday.

Agent Copano:
[sighs] Thursday's your day. Well, I guess we got extra coffee.

Agent Copano:
How was your date?

Agent Harrington:
Stood me up.

Agent Copano:
Are you serious? Amelia Mushrooms did that?

Agent Harrington:
Don't even mention that name. She's dead to me. [said it calmly]

Nick:
Oh, my god. I cannot believe we're on a private jet.

Rick Kruger:
Talk like you belong here, son. Call it a P.J.

Nick:
Aw, hell yeah! A P.J. I-I just -- I can't believe, like, a car brought us right up to the door of a plane. Like that's -- [accidentally opens up a wine bottle] Champers!

[after John got better from the crash, John get some popularity from many interviews]

John:
I mean, they found me upside down, strapped in. They couldn't understand how I wasn't dead.

John:
Call him and angel if you want. All I know is he appeared.

John:
And -- And then he fed it to me. At that moment, I felt energy and healing going through me, rippling through my body.

Woman Interviewer:
[manly voice] And tell us what he looked like, your angel if he was, in fact, an angel.

Susan:
Have you seen the Colorado Car Crash Angel Man?

Marshall Cuso:
Uh, no.

Susan:
And if angels are real, are demons?

Marshall Cuso:
Hm. Yeah. Interesting question. Uh, I'm actually looking to buy a very specific property. It's, um, MLS Number 1000C51143.

Susan:
Let me save you some time. You seem like a real nice person?

Marshall Cuso:
Do I? I-I literally just walked in.

Jimmer Jarvis:
Jimmer Jarvis. Nice to meet you.

Marshall Cuso:
You as well. Um, am I in trouble in some way?

Jimmer Jarvis:
Not unless you did something. Did you do something?

Susan:
He's about to. He's about to buy the spot on Mound Hill Road.

Jimmer Jarvis:
Huh. Why would you want do that?

Marshall Cuso:
Soil dynamics?

Jimmer Jarvis:
[sucks teeth] Look, now, you seem like a nice guy...

Marshall Cuso:
I don't know where everyone keeps getting this.

Jimmer Jarvis:
...so lemme just tell ya, that is a nasty place. A pharmaceutical company used to dump their waste just over the property line.

Marshall Cuso:
I-I understand. I am aware of the situation.

Jimmer Jarvis:
Hmm. Are you a New Yorker? You got kind of a New York thing going on.

Susan:
Oh, Jimmer. He's just asking if you're Jewish.

Marshall Cuso:
Um, no, but I don't love that you're asking.

Linda Tree:
Heavy pollution.

Hildy:
He's not here. He won't grow here. Why not?

Linda Tree:
Agricultural contamination?

Hildy:
Linda, don't make me regret bringing you.

[Marshall meets Jimmer's Nephew at his shooting range]

Marshall Cuso:
Um, hey, hello! Excuse me. Sorry, uh, should've introduced myself earlier. I'm your new neighbor back there.

Rusty:
Did you just come through the trees? You a lucky son of a b*tch!

Marshall Cuso:
Um...okay.

Rusty:
Didn't you see them pink "X"es? Ever hunt wild pigs with a landmine? You don't get much meat, but it's not much work. You should meet my uncle. Uncle JJ!

[Jimmer Jarvis shows up]

Jimmer Jarvis:
New York, I was wondering if you'd come by. You meet my nephew?

Marshall Cuso:
Oh, hey, Jimmer. Right, yes, uh, you and me, a couple of non-Jews.

Frances Applewhite:
Okay, Nick, but I just thought the we were, I don't know, in the heat of the moment.

Nick:
Wh-- Oh, okay, so now you don't want to get married.

Frances Applewhite:
I mean, right now? It's just -- It's a lot. Maybe we can postpone --

Nick:
Okay, yeah, no. I get what this whole freakout is about, yeah.

Frances Applewhite:
You do?

Nick:
Yeah. This is-- This is about your Mom. You know, the -- The issues there.

Frances Applewhite:
What the f***?! No, Nick! This isn't about my Mom.

Nick:
No, babe, babe, babe! It's okay. Be in your feelings on that.

Frances Applewhite:
Ugh, Rick want me. I have to go. We can talk about this when I get back.

Nick:
Good. Cool. No, hey, babe. This was a healthy convo, for real, okay?

Rick Kruger:
[on phone] Hey, so did you bring an adapter? I just -- I-I've got the wrong prongers here.

Frances Applewhite:
3 prongs, Rick. I packed you an adapter. It's in the bag.

Rick Kruger:
Okay.

Rick Kruger:
Oh, okay, yeah, I found it. Thanks.

Frances Applewhite:
Dammit, Rick.

Agent Copano:
What if Marshall is the Jackal of the Valley? And that's why they're really after him?

Agent Harrington:
We're in a pile of sh*t that's quite deep for letting him get away.

Mario:
Mr. Kruger? Nah, he hasn't been here in a long time.

Agent Copano:
Mind if we take a look at the vehicle?

Mario:
Listen, he doesn't take out that car. I'm not even sure he knows how to drive. The last person to take it out was a pretty girl.

Agent Harrington:
A pretty girl?

Mario:
Yeah, she says she's his assistant, but I think they're doing it. [smiles] I would be.

[Frances knocks on Rick's door]

Rick Kruger:
[mumbling] Ah, sh*t.

[Rick opens his door]

Rick Kruger:
Frances? Is this important?

Frances Applewhite:
Yes, Rick, it's really important. I need to go see my mother, and I'm going right now.

Rick Kruger:
Well, who's gonna assist me here in Geneva?

Frances Applewhite:
I don't know, Rick! Maybe the people that work at this ridiculous hotel, or some of the 1,300 employees of your company!

Rick Kruger:
Ugh. And Jonas wants that down to 1,100. Can you make me a list of the 200 worst people that work here?

Frances Applewhite:
Jesus Christ, Rick! You are not hearing me. I am leaving you, I am leaving this place, to do something important.

Rick Kruger:
You're not taking my plane.

Frances Applewhite:
Okay, I can fly commercial like a person.

Rick Kruger:
Wow. You must love your Mom.

Frances Applewhite:
I do!

Rick Kruger:
Okay, o-okay. Just keep me posted?

Frances Applewhite:
I will.

Rick Kruger:
Uh, before you go, can you tell me how to get my TV off the channel that's, like, just stuff about the hotel?

Frances Applewhite:
Goodbye, Rick.

Rick Kruger:
Okay, yeah, yeah. I'll figure something out.

Frances Applewhite:
Nick, I need to go.

Nick:
Wh-- Uh...right, like, now?

Frances Applewhite:
Yes. I need to go see my Mom. I'm gonna buy a plane ticket and go. If you wanna stay here and fly back with Rick, but I'm leaving.

Nick:
Sweet. I'll do that. 'Cause, like, you need space, right? This will be good.

Frances Applewhite:
Okay.

Nick:
Hey.

Frances Applewhite:
What?

Nick:
FYI, I really love you and support you. Okay? And this whole marriage thing or whatever, we can get to that when the time is right?

Frances Applewhite:
Okay. Yes. Thank you. I-I'm gonna go.

Nick:
Okay. Hey, babe? Love to Sonia.

Marshall Cuso:
So, sorry, do you have any other jobs?

Susan:
Oh. [chuckles] Just the real-estate office and here. Oh, and I do volunteer at the animal shelter. You've heard of no-kill shelters?

Marshall Cuso:
[nods 'yes']

Susan:
Well, we're a kill shelter. It's horrible. You know, but somebody has to do it.

[when Frances meets Marshall at a dumpsite where he tries to create more blue angel mushrooms]

Marshall Cuso:
Can I get you something to drink?

Frances Applewhite:
Oh, sure. Uh, water would be nice.

Marshall Cuso:
Okay, you absolutely can't drink the water here.

[after the government agent gets blown up by a landmine]

Rusty:
Sick.

[while Rusty is carrying the government agent's body corpse that was blown by a landmine]

Rusty:
WHAT THE F***?! WHAT THE F***?! I think this f***ing dude is still alive! He's still -- He's still f***ing twitching!

Jimmer Jarvis:
Alright, who's after you?

Marshall Cuso:
Uh, the DEA, definitely. But I don't think that was them. Um, Big Pharma, probably. I have a half-brother who seems kind of obsessed with what's going on. Oh, maybe a crazy mycologist, uh, and her disciples. A mycologist is a specialist or expert in--

Rusty:
I KNOW THE F*** A MYCOLOGIST IS!

[Jimmer shows Marshall his brother, Tommy to see if he can heal his wounds up]

Rusty:
Tommy's got some stuff wrong with him.

Tommy:
Real wrong. Hehe.

Rusty:
You don't have to hug him or anything. He's got sludge spots. Unless you're a sludgie chaser, they're out there. Lotta kids around here are Sludgies.

Jimmer Jarvis:
Th-They don't like that term. Come on.

Tommy:
I don't mind it. We're reclaiming it. [coughs] My lungs is like...toast. Barely work.

Rusty:
There's no hope for him. One night he'll just choke and die. Gurgling, probably, like [gurgling].

[before Marshall gives Tommy a blue angel mushroom]

Marshall Cuso:
Okay, Tommy, there's a side effect that you might feel. Your mind is gonna just kinda go to a place. Try and just take it in, okay, bud? Go ahead. You got it. Just chew and swallow.

[Tommy chews the mushroom]

Rusty:
Does it taste disgusting?

[after Tommy got better after eating the blue angel mushroom]

Jimmer Jarvis:
Sh*t, I've seen a miracle today.

Jimmer Jarvis:
Okay. Well, I think we can forget about that, uh, wild hog that blew up.

Marshall Cuso:
Right. Yes. It was just an accident. Your typical hog accident.

Rusty:
You're talking about the guy?

[Agents Copano and Harrington are spying in Jimmer's house where Marshall and the crew are just hugging out after Tommy's healed wounds]

Agent Harrington:
Okay, a few hours ago there was some kind of explosion. Now it's all handshakes?

[Harrington gives the binoculars to Copano and sees Rusty using the grill]

Agent Copano:
What is that? A barbecue? Cooking up ribs or something.

[Copano then sees Frances coming in the trailer]

Agent Copano:
He took her back to his trailer. Is he about to murder her?

[Agents Copano and Harrington get into disguise as construction workers to see Rusty]

Agent Copano:
Hi! We're with Star-Tel-Lite. It's a new satellite TV company.

Agent Harrington:
Your roof has the proper exposure to the Southern Hemisphere and we're offering a new program to rural subscribers that could land you one year of free TV.

Rusty:
Are you messing with me right now?

Agent Copano:
No, sir.

Rusty:
...

Rusty:
GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! That is so cool! Damn, we're lucky.

Agent Harrington:
Really lucky. We're offering this to less than one in 17,000 homes.

Rusty:
Wow, that's like...less than...Southern exposure. Wow.

Rick Kruger:
[on phone] Frances, what the hell am I looking at here? I-I mean in the video you sent, not on the TV. I think it's a German reality show? "Housewives of" -- But they're married to their dogs, I don't know.

Frances Applewhite:
Okay, wow, really captivating, Ric, but please listen? It's 100% real, and it works. Okay? I just need some time. This will be huge for us.

Rick Kruger:
Could it save my job?

Frances Applewhite:
M-Maybe.

Rick Kruger:
Well, where are you? We can send help if you need it.

Frances Applewhite:
No, Rick, no, I don't need help. You just -- Look, I'm gonna be gone for awhile, okay? I'm trying to figuring out --

Rick Kruger:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Do you not get what kind of predicament we're in right now? My job is hanging by a thread. Our earning report comes out Thursday, and spoiler alert, it sucks.

Rick Kruger:
[sighs] I mean, really, Frances. Do you know how bad my life is right now?

[someone knocks on his door]

Rick Kruger:
Oh, great, now my room service is here.

[Jimmer shows up to see the construction workers]

Jimmer Jarvis:
Hey, guys.

Agent Copano:
Oh, uh, h-hey there.

Jimmer Jarvis:
So, uh, you're with the satellite company, are ya?

Agent Copano:
Uh, mm-hmm. Yeah, Star-Tel-Lite.

Jimmer Jarvis:
Wow. Well, lucky us, huh?

Agent Harrington:
Very lucky, actually. Great access to the southern sky.

Jimmer Jarvis:
Yeah, so the problem here is, we don't take solicitors. Rusty here forgot about that.

Rusty:
Yeah, plus I'm not supposed to have too much screen time.

Agent Harrington:
[worried] No worries. Ha! That's fine.

Agent Copano:
[worried] That sounds like the best thing for us to do is, uh, probably just leave you folks alone.

Jimmer Jarvis:
[touches Copano's shoulder] Yeah. Probably damn right. We cool?

Agent Copano:
We cool.

Jimmer Jarvis:
[happily] Okay!

Rusty:
Hey, brought you some barbecue!

Frances Applewhite:
Aw, thanks! Wow, smells delicious.

Marshall Cuso:
Wait. This isn't -- Just to make sure, this isn't meat from the, uh, "hog" we discussed earlier.

Rusty:
Ha, come on, man. We ain't sickos like that. We did smoke the guy. Then we fed that to a hog. Then we smoked the hog.

Marshall Cuso:
Huh. I'll, um, save it for a midnight snack.

[Harrington sees Marshall coming towards them]

Agent Copano:
What do we do?

Agent Harrington:
We do nothing. You do nothing. I'll do something if we have to do some--

Marshall Cuso:
[outside] Hello? Look, I know you're in there and I know you can hear me. Are you here to kill me? No. No. I-I think you're government. Now, if you're gonna arrest me, here's your chance! You won't find anything illegal. I can prove that in court.

Marshall Cuso:
No, huh? So you're just spying on me? Well, what do you see? I mean, really, do you think I'm the real criminal in this world? Just give me one more day, okay? Please. And by the way, if you've read this thing about me being a Peruvian serial killer, that's ridiculous. I'm not El Chacal. I'm non-violent. [leaves]

Marshall Cuso:
Oh, uh, if the biker guys offer you any barbecue, do not eat it.

[Frances has an idea what do to with the blue angel mushroom]

Marshall Cuso:
We're just gonna drop it? This just doesn't seem scientific.

Frances Applewhite:
Well, what did ever science do for us? Nuclear bombs?

Marshall Cuso:
Steam power, bioweapons, aspartame, thalidomide, the Internet, OxyContin, Ozempic, microwaves, penicillin, rocketry. It's a mixed bag.

Rick Kruger:
Look, I acknowledge I'm on a bit of a hot seat here. We both know that. But if this comes through, it could change the pharmaceutical game as we know it. Revenue possibilities? I mean, infinite.

Jonas Backstein:
Infinite. Infinite revenue? Ah, you amuse me, Rick. You're a classic type -- the American bullsh*tter.

Rick Kruger:
Okay, I'm gonna show you something that one of my top research people is working on, okay?

[Rick shows Jonas a video where Frances records Tommy getting healed after eating a blue angel mushroom]

Rick Kruger:
So? Right?

Jonas Backstein:
Richard. My dear friend. You can't trust videos these days. Deepfakes and so on. My son, he's 7 years old, and he showed me a video where CocoMelon, is in conference with the Pope! It looked quite real!

[Agents Copano and Harrington spies Marshall and Frances happily cheering that they grew blue angel mushrooms]

Agent Harrington:
[after sleeping] Sorry, what's happening?

Agent Copano:
They grew their mushrooms maybe? So what's our move here? Maybe he was right. Maybe he's not doing anything illegal. Still this is a lot of weird sh*t to not be illegal somehow.

[after Marshall and Frances grew blue angel mushrooms]

Frances Applewhite:
Hey, are you okay?

Marshall Cuso:
I-I-I am. I just -- It's just so...enormous, the range of possibilities, you know? I'm -- I don't know. Like Hildy said, this kind of power is...and we have no idea what other side effects there might be. And how many will grow? How do we get it out? What's gonna be the overhead?

Frances Applewhite:
Hey, hey. I mean, there's just -- Let's not think about that right now.

Marshall Cuso:
Well, who gets the mushroom first, right? That's important. Oldest people? The sickest? And, like, what if someone's super sick but they're also super racist? Does that guy still get it?

Sheriff:
Marshall Cuso, you are under arrest for the reason of private property in the State of New York. You have the right to remain silent.

Jimmer Jarvis:
Okay! I'm Jimmer Jarvis, sheriff of this township. What's going on here.

Sheriff:
Yeah? And we're state. Take a back seat.

Jimmer Jarvis:
The f*** you just say?