Dilbert

Wally:
Wow. I never knew that little people could be so sexy

Alice:
That's disgusting. I can sue you both for making this a hostile work environment

Dilbert:
Ten minutes ago you beat a man senseless.

Alice:
He was senseless before I beat him.

Dogbert:
I'll bet you twenty bucks that giving doesn't feel good.

Dilbert:
You're on my cynical friend.

Dogbert:
To settle the bet, give me forty dollars and see if it feels good.

Dilbert:
That would NOT feel good.

Dogbert:
Then give me twenty dollars because you lost the bet.

Dilbert:
Did I just make a bet where I would lose twenty dollars either way?

Pointy-Haired Boss:
And remember, money is no object... unless you intend to spend it.

Dogbert:
They say only the good die young. If that works both ways, I'm immortal.

Dilbert:
You said you'd wake me up at eight.

Dogbert:
I also said women are attracted to men shaped like potatoes.

Pointy-Haired Boss:
They say no man faces death wishing he'd spent more time at the office... I guess that makes me the first.

Dilmom:
Standard Scrabble rules apply: no kicking, biting or slapping. No projectiles of any kind.

Dilbert:
Name calling?

Dilmom:
Only on your own turn.

[In a traffic jam]

Dilbert:
Why are we all forced to go to work at the same time? Who arbitrarily decided that 8 AM was a good time for everyone to go to work?

[clipping his toenails over a desk drawer that's filled with nail clippings]

Pointy-Haired Boss:
Uh-oh, it's almost full. I need a new desk.

Dilbert:
Ratbert, where's Dogbert?

Ratbert:
He's off somewhere installing a puppet government.

Dilbert:
He's always off somewhere installing a puppet government.

[the Garbage Man uses reanimation liquid to bring Ben Franklin back to life]

Garbage Man:
It says it removes carpet stains too, but I have my doubts.

Bob Bastard:
Would anyone like to join me in a toast to failure?

Dilbert:
What makes you qualified to be a reporter?

Dogbert:
I'm willing to to violate anyone's privacy for my personal gain and then claim with a straight face that the public has a right to know.

Dilbert:
Thanks, Dogbert. You really bailed me out.

Dogbert:
Oh, it's nothing you wouldn't've done for me if you weren't you and I wasn't me and everything was completely different.

Dilbert:
That's it. I think I've done it.

Dogbert:
That's not the word on the street.

Dilbert:
What do you think an egg dream means?

Dogbert:
Hmm, probably an omen.

Dilbert:
A good omen?

Dogbert:
How many good omens involve things that come out of a chicken's butt?

Dilbert:
There only has to be one.

Wally:
Looks like somebody's not working.

Dilbert:
This fantasy has been a profound disappointment.

Panelist on talk show:
I have a poison-dart gun, you won't know what hit you.

Asok:
Shouldn't we be working?

Dogbert:
That's outrageous. Idiots shouldn't have money.

Dilmom:
Woo. Woo. Yes. In your face, mathboy.

Loud Howard:
That doesn't look like the next generation of computing to me.

Pointy-Haired Boss:
I don't see anything that could stand in our way.

Dilbert:
Sanity? Reality? The laws of physics?

Seven of Nine alarm clock:
(beep) Get out of bed. Resistance is futile. Wake up and assimilate the day.

Pointy-Haired Boss:
Everybody down, he's becoming disgruntled.

Wally:
Well that has 'alibi' written all over it.

Dilbert:
Well I'll be.

Garbageman:
Actually, you already are.

Pointy-Haired Boss:
Wally, I'll need to review the RFP for the BGA project before the IOC meeting.

Wally:
Carpe diem, Dilbert.

Dilbert:
'Seize the day.'

Wally:
What?

Dilbert:
Carpe diem.

Wally:
I think that's a fish.

Alice:
Man, she must've blown some smoke up your butt. Did she use a giant fan or just some kind of hose?

Dilbert:
Must one person's triumph be another's humiliation?

Alice:
Of course.

Dilbert:
There's nothing wrong with my verbal skills. It only seems that way because my math skills are so high.

Pointy-Haired Boss:
Save the technical mumbo-jumbo. I just want to know if it'll work.

Wally:
Who died and made you the Dalai Lama?

Alice:
I think I speak for all women capable of reproduction when I say... no.

Dilbert:
Do you ever get tired of watching bad things happen to people?

Dogbert:
That's crazy talk.

Dogbert:
Remember, the first rule of brainstorming is to openly mock the opinions of others.

Voicemail system:
(phone beeps) You have 937 messages... all of which are marked "urgent".

Elbonian Slavedriver:
Get to work, you lazy corpse!

Bear on talk show:
Does anybody care that I'm a bear?

Asok:
You can use my key to open the box with its teeth.

Dilbert:
To open this box I'll need something stronger than a key.

Asok:
I once killed a cougar with this key. [pause] It was a really small cougar. [pause] It might have been a potato.

Pointy-Haired Boss:
Dillbert! Are you listening?

Dilbert:
Of course I am. I've learned how to multi-task.

Loud Howard:
But men can't multi-task. Only women can multi-task.

Dilbert:
What's wrong with me?

Dogbert:
I was going to wait until the second trimester to tell you but you're pregnant with the sperm of a cow, an Amishman

Dilmom:
A hilbilly, and a Martian.

Dilbert:
[after witnessing Elbonian workers falling into an acid vat] Shouldn't there be a guard rail around that?

Elbonian Slavedriver:
[laughing] That's a good one.

Seven of Nine alarm clock:
[as Dilbert reaches over to hit the snooze button] Don't touch me!

Dilbert:
Then how do I turn you off?

Seven of Nine alarm clock:
I am PLENTY turned off right now!

Dilbert:
Clock tease.

Alice:
I want you to make Asok my assistant.

Catbert:
If I made Asok your assistant, it would destroy his tiny ego.

Alice:
So you'll do it?

Catbert:
I need more than that. Help me help you.

Alice:
All right, let's see... it would breed resentment through the entire employee population?

Catbert:
Uh-huh... nice... you make a strong case...

Alice:
Are you thinking?

Catbert:
No, I'm toying with you. Alright, I'll do it... on one condition.

Alice:
Name it.

Catbert:
I have to be there to hear him scream when you tell him.

Alice:
Deal!

Dogbert:
Nature will take its course.

Dilbert:
How long will that take?

Dogbert:
Not long. I'm part of nature.

Reporter:
What is your opinion of this tragedy?

Anthrax Zombie:
My throat is moist, and the raspiness has gone! [Dies]

Reporter:
Back to you!

CEO:
This is bad publicity and I demand to know what you intend to do about it!

Promoter:
Don't believe everything you've heard from every media outlet.

[Opens a box of Anthrax Throat Lozenges]

Promoter:
Try one! Worth a shot...

Alice:
What's the old familiarity technique?

Wally:
It involves spending so much time with a woman that she gets used to your faults. It's like falling in love but without the expense.

Dilbert:
If I could have made this tobacco lobbyist spend enough time with me...

Wally:
...while she was using you...

Dilbert:
...then maybe, just maybe, the inertia would carry her beyond the point of being repulsed by my personality.

Wally:
Then one day if she breaks up with a socially functional boyfriend, she might be to emotionally crippled to date again. And there Dilbert will be.

Alice:
Why don't you just date a woman who respects you in the first place?

Wally:
You can do that?

Dilbert:
That is the dumbest hypothetical question I have ever heard.

Wally:
People always say that when I'm winning the argument.

Petru:
[Takes break from modeling photos for his charity scam, meets Wally and Dilbert for the first time] You got five minutes what do you want?

Dilbert:
First of all, you lied to me. I thought you were a starving child, not an Elbonian fat cat. Although I must admit, you've done an excellent job, investing my eighty-seven cents per week.

Petru:
Thank you.

Dilbert:
What makes you qualified to be a reporter?

Dogbert:
I'm willing to violate anyone's privacy for my personal gain and then claim with a straight face that the public has a right to know.

Dilbert:
Have you been using me as your main source of industry information?

Dogbert:
No, not the main source. I also make stuff up.

Wally:
There is one last testing. Dilbert, will you date me?

Dilbert:
Not for a thousand years!

Wally:
Yeah, he's a woman.

Asok:
Dilbert, maybe you should see a doctor.

Dilbert:
[crying] Stop trying to solve my problems!

Pointy-Haired Boss:
Perhaps we need further research?

Dilbert:
Yes!

Pointy-Haired Boss:
Perhaps further study?

Dilbert:
Yes!

Pointy-Haired Boss:
Who's got time for that, you prig? No, we need to create some favorable facts first.

Dilbert:
Favorable facts?

Pointy-Haired Boss:
Yes. Favorable facts. The other kind are worthless.

Wally:
We could flip a coin.

Pointy-Haired Boss:
No, too risky.

Loud Howard:
We could test humans. That's always fun.

Asok:
What about monkeys? Or rabbits, or puppies? We've had some success hurting them in the past, haven't we?

Alice:
Dilbert could do some tests on mice. Mice are full of favorable facts.

Pointy-Haired Boss:
Very good. Mice it is.

Dilbert:
This is ridiculous, but at least that's vaguely scientific. I'll need a budget to get some mice.

Pointy-Haired Boss:
We're not PAYING for mice. Good God man the streets are full of them!

Dilbert:
You can't publish a book about an unproven medical condition.

Dogbert:
Apparently you haven't been to the book store lately.

Dogbert:
I have discovered a heretofore undiagnosed condition.

Dilbert:
There is no such thing as Chronic Cubicle Syndrome.

Dogbert:
Initially victims exhibit denial.

Dilbert:
But you have no proof.

Dogbert:
Oh, I have something much better than proof. Anecdotal evidence!

Dogbert:
Who do you think would be dumb enough to believe anecdotal evidence?

Dogbert:
I've narrowed my target market to... PEOPLE!

Alice:
A gift certificate is completely different from cash.

Dilbert:
No, it's not. They're both pieces of paper you can exchange for goods and services.

Alice:
You're missing the point.

Dilbert:
Actually, a gift certificate is worse than cash, because you can only use it in one place.

Wally:
And it expires.

Alice:
At least it shows some thought.

Dilbert:
It shows defective thought. You're trading perfectly good money for something that does the same thing, only not as well.

Dilbert:
Why are people flying off the escalator? And what happened to Dogbert? And why do I think those questions are related?

[Dilbert's "Jeri Ryan as Seven of Nine" alarm clock turns on at 6:
00 a.m]

Seven of Nine Alarm Clock:
Get out of bed. Resistance is futile. Wake up and assimilate the day. Get out of bed. Resistance is futile. Wake up and assimilate the day.

[Dilbert wakes up in the middle of the second declaration]

Dilbert:
I wonder if I could ever date a woman like Jeri Ryan.

Seven of Nine Alarm Clock:
That too is futile.

Dilbert:
Ok, that's enough out of you.

Seven of Nine Alarm Clock:
Do not touch me.

Dilbert:
Then how do I turn you off?

Seven of Nine Alarm Clock:
Believe me, I am plenty turned off right now.

Dilbert:
Clock-tease.

Wally:
Let's see, we're here.

Wally:
We are?

Dilbert:
Aren't we?

Dilbert:
I suppose.

Wally:
I could be wrong.

Asok:
If we're not here, then were are we?

Wally:
And if we are here [pointing to mall map] , were is here?

Dilbert:
Isn't here [pointing at mall map] there?

Asok:
I would think here [pointing to ground] is here.

Wally:
You would.

Dilbert:
Here's there [pointing at mall map] .

Wally:
There's here.

Dogbert:
sigh

Dilbert:
[Dilbert is in the shower, with a voice activated temperature control] The shower's calibrated to respond to my voice only.

Dogbert:
Boy, you think of everything.

Dilbert:
I'm cautious.

Dogbert:
That's why you had training wheels until you were seventeen

Dilbert:
I was fourteen. [Shower temperature goes to 14 degrees] AAAAAAGH! [Almost frozen in a block of ice] 99! 99! 99! [The temperature goes back to 99] Don't do that!

Dogbert:
Where did you get the voice for that thing, it sounds like the computer from that stupid movie, what was it, "Something, something, a Space Odyssey?"

Dilbert:
It wasn't called "Something Something: A Space Odyssey," it was called "2001: A Space AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" [cut to exterior of house, as Dilbert's shower rises to 2001 degrees, cut to interior of house where Dilbert's skin is red hot, he puts on his towel which catches on fire as he walks out]

Dogbert:
On the plus side, you look very clean.

Dilbert:
Dogbert? Dogbert?

Ratbert:
How may I be of service?

Dilbert:
You can tell me where Dogbert is.

Ratbert:
He left early this morning. Something about installing a puppet government.

Dilbert:
He's always installing a puppet government when I need him!

Alice:
I've got images in my brain I'll never get out.

Alice:
You made this happen. You made me think of Dilbert and sex at the same time.

Dilbert:
[in a video where he is in the bathtub reaching down into the water immediately in front of him between his legs] It's so small. I can't even find it!

Dilbert:
[repeated line to his co-workers] I was talking about the soap!

Senior security guard:
There's a garlic necklace under the counter for when it gets dark.

Dilbert:
Garlic?

Senior security guard:
Keeps away the undead. Don't try eating a cross, that don't work.

Wally:
Wow. Old Zeke!

Alice:
Actually, that's Young Zeke Who Takes Really Bad Care Of Himself.

Wally:
An act of Todd? Is Todd's word not good enough for you?