Elf

Buddy:
It's just like Santa's workshop! Except it smells like mushrooms... and everyone looks like they wanna hurt me...

Buddy:
Buddy the Elf! What's your favorite color?

Buddy:
We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup.

Buddy:
What about santa's cookies? I suppose parents eat those too?

Santa:
That's another thing... Buddy you should know that your father... he's on the naughty list.

Buddy:
Nooooo!

Buddy:
Not now Arctic Puffin!

Gimbel's Manager:
This, is the North Pole.

Buddy:
No it isn't.

Gimbel's Manager:
Yes it is.

Buddy:
No it isn't.

Gimbel's Manager:
Yes it is!

Buddy:
No it isn't! Where's the snow?

Gimbel's Manager:
Why are you smiling like that?

Buddy:
I just like to smile, smiling's my favorite

Walter:
Who sent this Christmas Gram?

Buddy:
What's a Christmas Gram? I want one!

Buddy:
Who the heck are you?

Buddy:
No, you're not.

Buddy:
Well, if you're Santa, what song did I sing for you on your birthday this year?

Buddy:
Don't tell him what you want, he's a liar.

Buddy:
You disgust me! How can you live with yourself?

Buddy:
You sit on a throne of lies.

Buddy:
You're a fake.

Buddy:
Yes!

Buddy:
You stink.

Buddy:
You smell like beef and cheese, you don't smell like Santa.

Emily:
We can't just throw him out in the snow.

Walter:
Why not? He loves the snow. He's told me fifteen times.

Gimbel's Manager:
6 inch ribbon curls honey.

Jovie:
That's impossible.

Gimbel's Manager:
6 INCHES!

Buddy:
Francisco! That's fun to say! Francisco... Frannncisco... Franciscooo...

Buddy:
He's an angry elf!

Michael:
Whoa. Where did you say you were from again?

Buddy:
Hi!

Deb:
Hi!

Buddy:
Do you remember me?

Deb:
I do! I didn't recognize you!

Buddy:
I know I'm in work clothes!

Nun:
But the children love the books!

Buddy:
You sit on a throne of lies!

Santa:
I've been to New York thousands of times.

Buddy:
Really?

Santa:
Mm-hmm.

Buddy:
What's it like?

Santa:
Well, there are some things you should know. First off, you see gum on the street, leave it there. It's not candy.

Buddy:
Oh.

Santa:
Second, there are, like, thirty Ray's Pizzas. They all claim to be the original. But the real one's on 11th. And if you see a sign that says "Peep Show", that doesn't mean that they're letting you look at presents before Christmas.

Buddy:
Actually, I'm a human, but I was raised by elves.

Carolyn:
I'm a human... raised by humans.

Buddy:
Cool.

Emily:
You like sugar, huh?

Buddy:
Is there sugar in syrup?

Emily:
Yes.

Buddy:
Then YES!

Buddy:
You stink. You smell like beef and cheese! You don't smell like Santa.

Buddy:
I just like to smile! Smiling's my favorite.

Buddy:
Have you seen these toilets? They're GINORMOUS!

Buddy:
Did you hear that?

Buddy:
Watch out, the yellow ones don't stop!

Elf Teacher:
Now, before we learn how to build the latest in extreme graphic chipset processors, let's recite the code of the elves, shall we?

Buddy:
It looks like a Christmas tree.

Gimbel's Manager:
There's no singing in the North Pole.

Buddy:
Yes there is.

Buddy:
SANTA! OH MY GOD! SANTA'S COMING! I KNOW HIM! I KNOW HIM!

Carolyn:
Thanks Buddy!

Jovie:
You missed.

Jovie:
How come you were in the women's locker room this morning?

Buddy:
I heard you singing.

Jovie:
Are you sure it had nothing to do with the fact that I was naked in the shower?

Buddy:
I didn't know you were naked.

Buddy:
It's just nice to meet another human that shares my affinity for elf culture.

Buddy:
I thought maybe we could make ginger bread houses, and eat cookie dough, and go ice skating, and maybe even hold hands.

Buddy:
I passed through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly twirly gum drops, and then I walked through the Lincoln Tunnel.

Buddy:
First we'll make snow angels for a two hours, then we'll go ice skating, then we'll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse Cookiedough as fast as we can, and then we'll snuggle.

Buddy:
You did it! Congratulations! World's best cup of coffee! Great job, everybody! It's great to be here.

Buddy:
The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.

Buddy:
I'm a cotton-headed ninny-muggins.

Buddy:
He's an *angry* elf!

Walter:
What do you want? Some money?

Buddy:
No! I just wanted to meet you and thought maybe you might want to meet me.

Walter:
Who wouldn't wanna meet you?

Papa Elf:
Oh, hello. You're, uh, you're probably here about the story. Elves love to tell stories. I-I'll bet you didn't know that about elves. There's, uh, probably a lot of things you didn't know about elves. Another, another interesting, uh, elfism, uh, there are only three jobs available to an elf. The first is making shoes at night while, you know, while the old cobbler sleeps.

Disgruntled Cobbler Elf:
Lazy bum! Couldn't even make a clog!

Papa Elf:
You can bake cookies in a tree. As you can imagine, it's, uh, dangerous having an oven in an oak tree during the dry season. But the third job, some call it, uh, "the show" or "the big dance," it's the profession that every elf aspires to. And that is to build toys in Santa's workshop.

Papa Elf:
Come here, little one. Poppy wants to see you.

Buddy:
Sorry, sorry. I think your car is pretty.

Emily:
We can't just throw him out in the snow.

Walter:
Why not? He loves the snow. He's told me 15 times.

Buddy:
Good news! I saw a dog today!

What's a Christmas Gram?

I want one!!!

Buddy:
[gasps] Wow! What's this?

Gimbel's Manager:
This is the North Pole.

Buddy:
No, it's not.

Gimbel's Manager:
Yes, it is.

Buddy:
No, it's not.

Gimbel's Manager:
Yes, it is.

Buddy:
No, it isn't.

Gimbel's Manager:
Yes, it is.

Buddy:
No, it's not. Where's the snow? [smiles]

Gimbel's Manager:
Why are you smiling like that?

Buddy:
I just like to smile! Smiling's my favorite!

Gimbel's Manager:
[pause] Make work your favorite, okay?

Buddy:
Okay.

Gimbel's Manager:
Work is your new favorite.

Buddy:
Fine.

Gimbel's Manager:
It's time for an announcement. [to the employees] Okay, people! Tomorrow morning, 10:00am, Santa's comin' to town!

Buddy:
SANTA!!! OH, MY GOD!!![excitedly, to the manager] Santa, here? I know him! I know him!

Gimbel's Manager:
He'll be here to take pictures with all of the children. 10:00am tomorrow.

Buddy:
10:00am tomorrow!

Gimbel's Manager:
Santa's comin' to town.

Buddy:
Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody needs to sing a Christmas carol.

Jovie:
No way.

Buddy:
The best way to spread Christmas cheer, is singing loud for all to hear.

Jovie:
Thanks, but I don't sing.

Buddy:
Oh, well, it's just like talking, except longer and louder, and you move your voice up and down.

Jovie:
I can sing, I just choose not to sing. Especially in front of other people.

Buddy:
If you can sing alone, you sing in front of other people. There's no difference.

Jovie:
Actually, there's a BIG difference.

Buddy:
No... no... no, there isn't. Wait... [Starts singing loud and off-key] I'm singing!/I'm in a store and I'm singing! [adeptly] I'm in a store and I'm singing!

Gimbel's Manager:
HEY! There's no singin' in the North Pole!

Buddy:
Yes, there is!

Gimbel's Manager:
No, there's not!

Buddy:
We sing all the time!

Gimbel's Manager:
No, there's not!

Buddy:
Especially when we make toys! [to Jovie] See?

Deb:
[over intercom] Mr. Hobbes? It's me on the intercom?

Walter Hobbes:
Yeah?

Deb:
I think someone sent you a Christmas gram. (escorts Buddy in)

Buddy:
(excitedly) DAD!!!!

Jovie:
How come you were in the women's locker room this morning?

Buddy:
I heard you singing.

Jovie:
You sure had it nothing to do with the fact that I was naked and in the shower?

Buddy:
I didn't know you were naked. Why were you here so early?

Jovie:
They shut my water off. What were you doing here?

Buddy:
Building this.

Jovie:
You built this? They're kinda pissed about this.

Gimbel's Manager:
[appears] Hey guys. Have you seen the place? It's pretty good. It's a little "too good". Corporate must have sent in a professional. I don't know why somebody's gunning for my job. But look, let's remain a team, okay? Cause if I go, we all go. If you get wind of anything, call me on my radio. Channel three. Code word is "Santa's got a brand new bag." Okay? [to Jovie] Six inch ribbon curls, honey.

Jovie:
[rolls her eyes] But that's impossible.

Gimbel's Manager:
[interrupting] SIX... inches. [storms away]

Buddy:
By the way, you have the most beautiful singing voice in the whole wide world.

[Buddy sees Santa in the store]

Buddy:
Santa.

Gimbel's Santa:
Hey! Ho, ho, ho!

[the children cheer excitedly]

Buddy:
Santa! It's me, Buddy! It's me!

Gimbel's Santa:
Hey, buddy. How you doing?

[an elf places a child on his lap]

Buddy:
Santa, it's me! [but his excitement and enthusiasm fades away as he grimaces at him] Who the heck are you?

Gimbel's Santa:
What are you talking about? I'm Santa Claus.

Buddy:
No, you're not.

Gimbel's Santa:
Uh... Why of course I am! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Buddy:
Well, if you're Santa, what song did I sing for you on your birthday this year?

Gimbel's Santa:
Um... Well, Happy Birthday, of course! Ho, ho, ho! So, uh, how old are you son?

Paul:
Four.

Gimbel's Santa:
You're a big boy. What's your name?

Paul:
Paul.

Gimbel's Santa:
And, uh, what can I get you for Christmas?

Buddy:
[quietly] Paul, don't tell him what you want. He's a liar.

Gimbel's Santa:
Hey! Let the kid talk.

Buddy:
You disgust me! How can you live with yourself?

Gimbel's Santa:
Just cool it, zippy!

Buddy:
You sit on a throne of lies.

Gimbel's Santa:
Look, I'm not kiddin'.

Buddy:
You're a fake.

Gimbel's Santa:
I'm a fake?

Buddy:
Yes!

Gimbel's Santa:
How'd you like to be dead?! Huh?

Paul:
Fake?

Gimbel's Santa:
Ha, ha! He's kidding.

Buddy:
[sniffs] You stink.

Gimbel's Santa:
[as the elf takes Paul off his lap after a picture] I think you're gonna have a good Christmas, all right.

Buddy:
You smell like beef and cheese, you don`t smell like Santa.

Gimbel's Santa:
OK.

[Buddy accidentally rips off the beard of Gimbel's Santa, and gasps. The kids scream in horror]

Buddy:
HE'S AN IMPOSTER! HE'S NOT SANTA!

Buddy:
He's a fake! He's a fake! I saw!

Gimbel's Santa:
Come here! Come here!

Buddy:
He's a fake!

Gimbel's Santa:
Where are you goin' now? Where are you goin' now?

[he smashes Buddy's designs; the manager starts tackling the fake Santa to protect Buddy]

Buddy:
He's not Santa Claus! He's not Santa!

Emily:
You sure like sugar, huh?

Buddy:
Is there sugar in syrup?

Emily:
Yes.

Buddy:
Then YES! We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup.

Emily:
So, Would You Be Staying With Us Then?

Buddy:
[out of breath from stalking Michael] Wow, you're fast. I'm glad I caught up to you. I waited five hours for you. Why is your coat so big? So, good news - I saw a dog today. Have you seen a dog? You probably have. How was school? Was it fun? Did you get a lot of homework? Huh? Do you have any friends? Do you have a best friend? Does he have a big coat, too?

Michael:
Go away!

Buddy:
[drunk] I know I sound like a broken record but we are buddies, you're my best friend, that's it.

Mailroom Guy:
You know, I have really great ideas, but no one around here listens to me.

Buddy:
I listen to your ideas, you have great ideas.

Mailroom Guy:
I got to go with the flow.

Buddy:
Then go with the flow.

Mailroom Guy:
No! I got to get out of the flow, that's what got me here.

Buddy:
Then get out of the flow.

Mailroom Guy:
I mean I'm 26 years old, I've got nothing to show for it.

Buddy:
You're young, you're so young...You know my papa, he didn't make master tinker till he was 490.

Mailroom Guy:
[chuckles] 490...

Buddy:
Tickle fight! [tickles the mailroom guy, who laughs hysterically]

[Buddy and Jovie are ice skating at Rockfeller Center. Buddy kisses Jovie on the cheek.]

Buddy:
Sorry.

Jovie:
You missed.

Buddy:
What do you mean I missed?

Jovie:
You missed. [kisses Buddy]

Miles Finch:
It's just one of those ideas, I'm just psyched out of my mind about...ya' know, it's just one of those ideas where you're like, YES!

Eugene:
[brainstorming for a new book] What about this: a tribe of asparagus children, but they're self-conscious about the way their pee smells. [hand movements]

Gimbel's Worker:
Passion Fruit spray?

Buddy:
Fruit spray? Sure. [takes bottle and sprays it in his mouth, then reacts in surprise and disgust]

Walter:
[whispering] I think we should call security.

Deb:
[whispering] Good idea.

Buddy:
[whispering] I like to whisper too!

Walter:
Are you crazy? He can't stay here.

Emily:
We can't just throw him out in the snow.

Walter:
Why not? He loves the snow. He's told me 15 times.

Emily:
Walter, he's your son.

Buddy:
He must be a South Pole elf.

Walter:
[Angry] You get the hell outta here.

Buddy:
Where do you want me to go?

Walter:
[furiously] I don't care where you go. I don't care that you're an elf! I don't care that you're NUTS! I DON’T CARE THAT YOU’RE MY SON! GET OUT OF MY LIFE NOW!

[Heartbroken, Buddy runs out of the office while the clients look at Walter in disappointment.]

[Walking in a park and comes across a raccoon]

Buddy:
Hey! What's your name? My name's buddy.

[Raccoon hisses]

Buddy:
Ohh! Does someone need a hug? [He leans in and raccoon leaps onto his neck knocking him to the ground ferociously attacking] Aah, aah! That's not cool! I just wanted a hug!

[Scene of Walter's dining room with wife and son]

Walter:
Hey, uh... I'm gonna eat in the bedroom, okay? I, uh, I got a bunch of stuff to go over.

Wife Emily:
Are you sure?

Walter:
I'm... I'm just way behind on a bunch of stuff.

Emily:
Okay.

Son Michael:
Can I eat in my room?

Emily:
No.

Michael:
Why not? Dad's eating in his room. [Mimics father's voice] I got a bunch of homework to go over, and I'm way behind on a bunch of stuff.

Emily:
You're eating here.

[Walter listens to answering message from Emily]

Emily:
Hi, it's me. I really can't talk right now. Well, just tell me how the pitch went. Walter: I'm gonna be a little later than I thought, okay? Emily: Well, don't be too late, Walter, It's Christmas Eve. Walter... wait, um. Honey, I gotta go, okay? Love ya. Oh, say hi to buddy.

Morris:
What? Walter, breakthrough. We found this in the conference room.

Walter:
What is it?

Morris:
It's Miles Finch's notebook. This thing is chock full of genius ideas. I mean, look at that. And his best idea is about a peach that lives on a farm. What's more vulnerable than a peach?

Walter:
What, uh, what do we do?

Morris:
I think we should go with the first pitch... it's genius.

Walter:
Uh, how much time we got?

Morris:
We got, like, 45 minutes.

Walter:
Well, come on, let's, uh, try to get a storyboard or something ready. Come on, let's do it. Just try.

Walter:
No, you can't sit down and get a storyboard ready.

Walter:
Go and get a storyboard ready.

Morris:
Oh, boy! Go.

[Walter reading a note from Buddy]

Buddy:
I'm sorry I ruined your lives and crammed 11 cookies into the vcr. I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere. I'll never forget you. Love, buddy.

Greenway:
As you know, we need a big launch, fast, to get the company back on track. So I think I speak for my fellow board members when I say, this better be good.

Walter:
Before I get into the story, let me start with the cover, okay? Now, just picture this...

Michael:
Dad! I gotta talk to you.

Walter:
Michael, what is it?

Michael:
Buddy ran away.

Walter:
What?

Michael:
He left a note. I'm scared, Dad. He's gone.

Walter:
Let me just finish this meeting and then we'll figure it out, okay?

Michael:
[Concernedly] Figure out what? Buddy cares about everybody. All you care about is yourself.

Walter:
Hey, Michael. Wait. We're gonna have to reschedule this, Mr. Greenway.

Greenway:
We don't have time to reschedule. I wanna hear the damn thing now. Son, you'll have to wait.

Walter:
No, don't tell my kid what to do. Can't we do this another time, Mr. Greenway?

Greenway:
I flew in just to hear this pitch and I intend to.

Walter:
It's gonna have to wait.

Greenway:
If you wanna keep your job, Hobbs, you will pitch me this book right now.

Walter:
Well, up yours.

Michael:
Yeah, up yours.

Walter:
Hey.

Greenway:
[Angrily] Hobbs! Hobbs! HOBBS! YOU WALK OUT OF HERE AND YOU’RE FINISHED THE GREENWAY! YOU’RE FINISHED!

Buddy:
Hey! You found it.

Michael:
Buddy!

Buddy:
I need to tell you something.

Walter:
No, no Buddy, there's something I have to tell you right now. Um, I didn't mean anything I said back there, not one word. I know you be a little, um, um… Uh, chemically imbalanced, But you've been right about a lot of things. I… I don't want you to leave. You're my son, and I… love you.

Buddy:
Santa, why are they chasing us?

Santa:
I put them on the naughty list and they never forgave me.

Papa Elf:
And so, with a little help, Buddy managed to save Christmas. And his spirit saved a lot of other people, too. Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind should old acquaintances be forgot. Walter started his own independent publishing company. His first book was written by a brand new, critically acclaimed children's author. The book was elf... a, uh, fictional story about an adopted elf named Buddy who was raised in the North Pole? Went to New York, ate spaghetti, worked in a shiny mailroom, and eventually saved Christmas.

[Buddy reading to children]

Buddy:
"First, I traveled through the seven levels of the candy cane forest, past the sea of twirly-swirly gumdrops, and then, I walked through the Lincoln tunnel..."

Papa Elf:
And as for me, I can't complain. Buddy comes up to visit from time to time. In the meadow we can build a snowman, and pretend that he is Parson Brown. Oh, thank you, Jovie. That's very sweet of you.

Jovie:
You're welcome, Papa. But you can do the job when you're in town.

Papa Elf:
Hey, Suzie. Come here, little one. When it snows, ain't it thrilling? Papa wants to see you.

...

Ending credits lyrics:
Though your nose get a little chilling Buddy... We'll frolic and play buddy... buddy... the Eskimo way, walking in a winter wonderland, in the meadow we can build a snowman, and pretend that he is Parson Brown. He'll say, are you married, we'll say no, man. But you can do the job when you in town, brother. Later on, we'll conspire, as we dream by the fire to face unafraid the plans That we made (walking in a winter wonderland x2) I really can't stay. But, baby, it's cold outside, I've got to go 'way, but, baby, it's cold outside. This evening has been been hoping that you'd drop in, so very nice. I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice. My mother will start to worry beautiful, what's your hurry? And father will be pacing the floor. Listen to that fireplace roar, so, really, I'd better scurry. Beautiful, please don't hurry. Well, maybe just a half a drink more. Put some records on while I pour. The neighbors might think. Baby, it's bad out there. Say, what's in this drink? No cabs to be had out there. I wish I knew how your eyes are like starlight now. To break the spell. I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell. I ought to say no, no, no, sir. Mind if I move in closer? At least I'm gonna say that I tried. What's the sense of hurting my pride? I really can't stay, baby, don't hold out. Ah, but it's cold outside. I simply must go, but, baby, it's cold outside. The answer is no, but, baby, it's cold outside. This welcome has been, I'm lucky that you dropped in, so nice and warm. Look out the window at that storm, my sister will be suspicious. Gosh, your lips look delicious, my brother will be there at the door. Waves upon tropical shore, my maiden aunt's mind is vicious. Oh, your lips look delicious. Well, maybe just a cigarette more. Never such a pleasure before. I've got to get home, but, baby, you'll freeze out there. Say, lend me your comb, it's up to your knees out there. You've really been grand. I thrill when you touch my hand, but don't you see. How can you do this thing to me? There's bound to be talk tomorrow. Think of my lifelong sorrow. At least there will be plenty implied. If you caught pneumonia and died. I really can't stay. Get rid of that hold out. Ah, but it's cold outside