Fatty Drives the Bus

Title Card:
This is the story about how Satan changed into a Chicago tour bus guide and rose to earth in order to get the souls of people taking the tour that day because he knew the bus was going to crash and everyone was going to die and all the while he, along with everyone on the tour, were being pursued by Jesus Christ. [beat] This is a true story.

Narrator:
The time is ten after six. I'm the narrator. This is Dave. [the word "Dave" appears under Dave] Let's go to hell.

Jim:
Good morning, Satan. Want a donut?

Satan:
Shut the f*** up.

Satan:
Nobody cancels a job without notifying me. We wouldn't get where we were today, Jimmy, if we laid down every time God swang his cock around.

Satan:
I, for the sake of this evil affair, shall transform! Shall transform! I, for the sake of this evil affair, shall transform! Shall transform!

Title Card:
Satan is going to transform.

Bud:
Hey Sam.

Sam:
Hey, what's going on, Bud?

Bud:
You remember last night when I said nothing ever happens around here and we never have any fun?

Sam:
Yeah, I just thought you were drunk.

Bud:
Well, I decided - I was - well, today I woke up and I decided we're going to the big city.

Sam:
Nah, I don't like the big cities.

Bud:
Come on, Sam, why not?

Sam:
Bad stuff happens in big cities.

Bud:
Aw, quit being a baby. What can happen?

Sam:
Well, like maybe you book us on a bus tour, except the real bus tour wouldn't be there, so we'd have to go on a smaller bus with a lot of weird couples that we don't know except there'd be a girl I kinda like, then maybe the real bus driver will be there and he's a really fat guy but the bus tour guy, he's sick, so Satan takes over and he tries to get our souls throughout our trip, and he's pointing out weird things, except I've never been to the big city so I don't know if what he's telling us is true or maybe it's not true, and then you're gonna lose all your money, and then we're just gonna come on home, and the next day I'll be out here just digging holes in the dirt *again*.

Bud:
Pssht, right. You're such a downer. I'm gonna go get the car.

Sam:
All right.

Mamie:
Oh God. Sometimes I wish I would just wake up dead.

Lana:
Don't say that. We're going to have fun. Aren't we, Bridget?

Mamie:
I don't remember the last time I had fun. Probably 18 years ago, before you were born.

Bridget:
[who is a man in drag] Yeah we're gonna have fun, of course we're gonna have fun, it's gonna be a great time, and then after we're done seeing the sights, then we'll go out, we'll have a little dinner or something, and afterwards we'll go to a nice club, have a couple of drinks, do some dancing, maybe we'll meet some young guys, you know? That'd be nice, wouldn't it, huh? Some young hunks, some young beefcake, huh? Maybe we'll go home with one of 'em for the night, you know, maybe? Why not, I feel lucky tonight. It's been a long time since I been with a man, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, this could be my night. Yeah, after all, look at me, I'm a fabulous looking broad, huh? Yeah, with my beautiful hair and my pearls and my fantastic figure, huh? Yeah, it'll be nice.

Lana:
You're so beautiful and glamorous, Bridget. You're so glamorous. You never have any trouble meeting men.

Mamie:
I had a man once - Frank Gherkin. Oh god, he did me wrong. He took my love. [walks out of the room]

Bridget:
Don't pay any attention to your old lady. She's just bitter, all right? You and I, we're gonna pick up a couple of guys on this trip if it kills us, huh?

Lana:
I wouldn't mind meeting a nice boy.

Mamie:
[walks back into the room] Lana, are you bothering Bridget again?

Bridget:
She's bugging the sh*t out of me!

Lana:
No I'm not, I was just...

Mamie:
How many times have I told you not to bother my friends? How many times must I tell you to stop bothering Bridget? How many mornings must I awaken to the searing pain of the reality of your existence?

Lana:
I'm your daughter. That was rather mean.

Mamie:
You suffocate any breeze of joy that could possibly waft through the shuttered windows of my soul.

Lana:
Hey, that remark was pretty harsh.

Mamie:
Your birth is the life sentence I receive for the crime of loving the wrong man. You are my warden, my jailor, my executioner.

Lana:
Oh, now that one hurts me a great deal.

Bridget:
What are we arguing about, girls? Let's go to the big city and have some fun, all right, eh?

Mrs. Zodsworth:
Oh... our beautiful home.

Mr. Zodsworth:
I remember when all you could see was barley, and giant lizards roamed the earth.

Mrs. Zodsworth:
That wasn't here. That was somewhere else.

Mr. Zodsworth:
[checks his watch] Let's go to the city.

Narrator:
Now we know the people on the bus, and it's up to Satan to get their souls. Y'know, Dave, Indians lived here before the White Man slaughtered them. Now all that's left is the totem pole.

Narrator:
[thinks to himself] Hmm, I wonder if it would fit up my ass.

Title Card:
Ass

Lana:
Mom, wouldn't it be great if I met someone and fell in love on this trip?

Mamie:
I think it would be wonderful if on this trip you fell into a hole... a very deep hole.

Lana:
That was the kind of remark that I'm gonna have to work to get over.

Bridget:
Hey, girls, we're in Chicago, I'm beautiful, fuggadaboutit.

Mr. Zodsworth:
First thing you know, you're getting off a bus. Then the next thing, you're eating rice out of a human skull.

Sam:
Who you here with?

Lana:
My hateful mother and the glamorous Bridget.

Bridget:
Hey handsome - couldn't help but notice you were standing here all by yourself, you know? Figured you could use a little company, huh? What do you say? Is there a chemistry between the two of us or am I crazy?

Martin:
Somewhere, ten little dogs are crying.

Mr. Zodsworth:
Did you take that head out of the freezer?

Mrs. Zodsworth:
Would you forget about that head?

Mr. Zodsworth:
[rubs his forehead, then smacks it and thinks] Did you take that head out of the freezer?

Mrs. Zodsworth:
Would you forget about that head?

Martin:
I tried to explain it to my lab assistant. You see, the formula was very simple: dogs. Dogs and numbers. A few letters thrown in to vary the mix, but mostly, dogs and numbers. I tried to explain to her how important the dogs were. She was a moron! She wasn't even a science student, she was a philosophy student trying to make some extra money. I didn't know, but she worked on the cheap.

Mr. Zodsworth:
It's almost like we stumbled into some kinda mashed potato convention.

Molly:
[outside Wrigley Field] Do they play baseball here?

Satan:
Yes.

Sam:
Can I go on the field today?

Satan:
I'm sorry, no.

Lana:
What year was it built?

Satan:
Uh, 19 [mumble mumble].

Bud:
Is there a bathroom here?

Satan:
Around the corner to the left - watch your butt.

Martin:
Is there a game today?

Satan:
There are 14 games today, all 28 major league teams will be in action, none of it will be taking place in this building.

Mamie:
Do you have an emery board?

Satan:
Yes. [he pulls an emery board out of his shirt pocket]

Chuck:
Do you prefer couches to armchairs?

Satan:
Depends on what I'm doing. If I'm lounging with a book, I might.

Mr. Zodsworth:
[while still aboard the bus] Didn't you once have a lizard?

Satan:
Yes, and his name was 'Bubbles.'

Bridget:
Yeah, do the Cubs need a new ballgirl?

Satan:
I don't care.

Mr. Zodsworth:
Are squirrels rapists?

Molly:
[holds up a candy] Oh, I loved these as a child. You could open them up like this - this is what I always used to do to eat them, then you eat the whitesh stuff, which is probably made with animal lard, but I always say to myself, 'You know, if you don't enjoy yourself not only once in a while, what's the use, you know?'

Bud:
Boy, you just don't shut up, do you?

Molly:
It was funny, because when Chuck and I first got married, everything we ate was orange and pink...

Bud:
Would you please shut up?

Molly:
And now, orange and pink, and it feels like a second honeymoon!

Bud:
I'll give you money to shut up.

Molly:
Oh, this is good.

Bud:
I'll give you a hundred dollars to shut up.

Molly:
Mmm, this is delicious. Red delicious. Oh, that's redundant! Red Delicious apple, that's my favorite!

Bud:
I hate you.

Molly:
They are so delicious!

Bud:
I want to punch you in the throat, I hate you.

Molly:
I am so glad we didn't have tuna fish today...