Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Peter:
Stop pulling my face towards your face.

Peter:
Pulling my shirt towards you is the same concept as pulling my face.

Peter:
You were like one of those girls from Flavor Of Love. "I'll kill you! I'll kill you!'

Peter:
She got me this, okay, because I would always leave my cereal boxes open, and the cereal would get stale. And so one day I came home and she had this waiting for me, because it keeps my cereal fresh, and now I have the FRESHEST cereal.

Peter:
I'll sit down, but I'm sitting down because I want to, not because you've asked me to... sit. Okay?

Peter:
I find you both very sexually attractive.

Peter:
You shall not pass!!!!!

Peter:
I'm doing a hand stand mother f***er!

Kunu:
[singing to the tune of "Let It Snow"] Oh the weather outside is weather.

Kunu:
I like her hair. I wonder if the carpet matches her pubes.

Kunu:
You sound like you're from London!

Kunu:
When life hands you lemons, just say f*** the lemons and bail.

Kunu:
The less you do, the more you do!

Kunu:
I don't really believe in age or numbers, you know? I don't... I mean if you had to put a number on it, I guess I'd be... fourty-four? F***!

Kunu:
You've got some pain behind those eyes, you know what the only cure for that is....WEED; You got any?

Kunu:
You're doing too much, do less.

Darald:
Let me just say that if God was a city planner, he would not put a playground next to a sewage system.

Darald:
Life is full of lessons. You learn something new every day so... I wonder what I'm going to learn tomorrow.

Darald:
God put our mouths on our head for a reason. No!

Darald:
Off to find the mythical clitoris!

Darald:
She's complicated like the DaVinci code, ya know but harder to crack.

Darald:
You've got Christ between your thighs... but with a shorter beard.

Aldous Snow:
[In response to Matthew the waiter's question about how his vegetable medley was] "Mundane" [To which Matthew replies: "I'm so glad."]

Aldous Snow:
[In response to Matthew the waiter's question about how Aldous liked his CD] Oh, I was gonna listen to your CD, but then I just went on living my life.

Aldous Snow:
I would rather have my testicles spread wafer thin and then sort of pasted with honey and then have wasps unleashed at my own genitals and then I would like the resulting stings to be covered in vinegar and sort of worn as a swimming cap by a Nazi. [Gag reels]

Aldous Snow:
[after spilling cranberry juice on his shirt] Oh God, please take my eyes, but not the shirt!

Sarah:
[mocking Aldous Snow's accent] Oh, I'm Aldous Snow... bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. No, no drinks for me thanks... bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

Sarah Marshall:
Peter... as you know, I love you very much...

Peter Bretter:
(horrified)...Are you breaking up with me? (drops his towel and covers his face, revealing his nakedness)

Sarah Marshall:
...Pete? Are you, um...?

'Peter Bretter:
...I just need a minute. (turns away, then hunches over and starts whimpering to himself)

Sarah Marshall:
...Okay?

Sarah Marshall:
Do you want to put some clothes on?!

Peter Bretter:
(sarcastically) Would you like to pick out the outfit you break up with me in?!

Sarah Marshall:
I feel... I've been feeling... that, for a long time, we've been growing apart. We're leading different lives.

Peter Bretter:
(glances away, unconvinced) Who's the dude? (stands up) Who's the dude?

Sarah Marshall:
What?! No, that's not what this is about! There's no-one else. (stands up)

Peter Bretter:
I know what's happening here- I really do. You've been working so much lately, that we haven't got to spend much time together and- you're forgetting what it's like to be with me. But- maybe if we just held each other or something- you would remember what it's like to be with me.

Sarah Marshall:
No-

Peter Bretter:
Please hold me. (Sarah hesitates) please. (he comes over to her and hugs her, still naked. Sarah hugs him back reluctantly)

Sarah Marshall:
There's someone else. (Peter pulls away from her and looks at her in shock) I'm sorry. (she walks out in tears)

Brian Bretter:
(observing the club Peter brought him to, distastefully) We don't hang out in places like this, Liz and I. Why'd you take me here? This place smells like strippers' perfume. I'm gonna get herpes just from sitting on this couch!

Girl:
Hi.

Peter Bretter:
Hi.

Girl:
Hi.

Peter Bretter:
Hi.

Girl:
Hi.

Peter Bretter:
Okay, um, do you mind not saying that while we're f***ing?

Girl:
You can gag me.

Peter Bretter:
Y-You brought a gag?

Girl:
And handcuffs. Do you wanna gag me?

Peter Bretter:
Well... kind of, now.

Peter Bretter:
(after watching a commercial featuring Sarah on his flight to Hawaii) Excuse me? (stewardess comes over) Hi- could I have another Bloody Mary, please?

Stewardess:
Uh...you're still working on that one.

Peter Brenner:
It's just an anticipatory order.

Rachel Jansen:
(smiles) Just married?

Darald Braden:
(giggling along with his wife) Yes! How'd you guess?

Rachel Jansen:
Oh, you've got that... magic newlywed dust all over you.

Rachel Jansen:
Welcome to Turtle Bay- what can I do for you?

Peter Bretter:
I'm checking in. My name's Bretter- Peter Bretter- but actually, I don't have a reservation. Just thought I'd... take my chances. (smiles weakly)

Rachel Jansen:
Oh! (raises her eyebrows) Wow- bold! (she looks through the registrar) We are all booked up, but we do have the Kapua Suite available.

Peter Bretter:
Um, okay- how much is that?

Rachel Jansen:
$6,000 a night.

Peter Bretter:
...wow.

Rachel Jansen:
Beautiful views.

Peter Bretter:
I can imagine... that's a little bit out of my price range. Sorry. (he looks around) That's a shame- this is such a beautiful- (he jumps as he looks out the window and sees Sarah walking by outside in her bikini)- hotel.

Rachel Jansen:
(follows his gaze) Oh, yeah, it's Sarah Marshall from Crime Scene. (laughs) People are excited that she's here.

Peter Bretter:
(swallows) She's my ex-girlfriend- we broke up three weeks ago.

Rachel Jansen:
(startled) Oh- I'm sorry, sir.

Peter Bretter:
Okay, like, this is fine, right?

Rachel Jansen:
Sir-?

Peter Bretter:
It's totally fine- (looks over his shoulder and sees Sarah entering the lobby) Okay, there she is. (He turns back to the desk; Sarah notices him) Did she see me?

Rachel Jansen:
Uh-huh.

Peter Bretter:
is she coming over here?

Rachel Jansen:
Yup.

Peter Bretter:
I wish I wasn't wearing this f***ing shirt.

Rachel Jansen:
Fair enough- why don't you try unbuttoning it?(Peter opens the top two buttons of the shirt and looks at her for approval) Button it back up. (as he does so, Sarah comes up to the desk and he turns to face her.)

Sarah Marshall:
Peter?

Peter Bretter:
Hey- Hi.

Sarah Marshall:
...What are you doing here?

Peter Bretter:
(deadpan)...I came here to murder you. (chuckles hysterically)

Sarah:
(suspiciously) Really- what are you doing here?

Peter Brenner:
...I have been having a tough time, you know, back in L.A.- uh- but then, I came here, and here you are. I just think that's too crazy to-

Aldous Snow:
(enters the lobby) Hey there, little sex object! (slaps Sarah's rear and kisses her forehead, catching her off-guard) I've lost a shoe (holds up a black flip-flop) Have you seen it anywhere? (doesn't notice Peter staring at him, or Sarah staring at Peter) It's like this one, but obviously it's- um- opposite of-um, excuse me, Misses? (to Rachel) I've lost a shoe- it's like this one- it's like, this one's fellow- sort of like the exact opposite of this one, in fact-

Rachel Jansen:
(sarcastically) Uh-huh?

Aldous Snow:
Not like, an evil version, but just, you know- a shoe, like this, but for the other foot, otherwise I'd have to-

Sarah Marshall:
Aldous, this is Peter (indicates him)

Aldous Snow:
Hey! Alright, Peter! Nice to meet you, mate. (shakes hands with Peter and shoulder-bumps him) Aldous- good to meet you, man. (Peter nods, looking irritated)

Sarah Marshall:
My ex-boyfriend.

Aldous Snow:
Oh, right! Hey, I'm Aldous Snow.

Peter Bretter:
I know who you are, yeah- you're very, very famous.

Aldous Snow:
Yeah, I am, I am- for my sins. So, are you, um, staying here as well?

Peter Bretter:
I'm not, as a matter-

Rachel Jansen:
I'm sorry- excuse me, Mr. Bretter, Ms. Marshall- (to Peter) But, we were, um, able to book the Kapua suite for you, sir, for four nights. (Surprised, Peter looks back at Aldous and Sarah- Aldous looks equally surprised, Sarah looks shocked and angry)

Peter Bretter:
You were?

Rachel Jansen:
(smiles and nods) Yes, sir.

Peter Bretter:
(Looks back and forth between Rachel and Aldous/Sarah) Marvelous!

Aldous Snow:
Perfect! Perfect amount of time. Listen, if you want to have dinner with us one of those nights, you're very-

Sarah Marshall:
(sharply) Aldous!

Peter Bretter:
No. No, that's very gentlemanly of you, but, uh, you two enjoy your trip, and, uh, I'll be just fine on my own (with a gesture of superiority) in my Kapua Suite.

Aldous Snow:
Alright, Peter.

Sarah Marshall:
Have a good trip, Pete.

Aldous Snow:
I like your shirt- it's colorful. (he and Sarah walk away) Bye, ta-ta! (to Sarah) I was wearing two shoes this morning, wasn't I?

Peter Bretter:
Bye, now. ( swallows, turns back to Rachel) Thank you. Thank you for bailing me out like that, but I still can't afford that room.

Rachel Jansen:
Nobody can- it's for, like, Oprah, or like, Celine Dion. Really, it's not a big deal. So, you can stay in the suite, but since you're not technically a guest, you have to clean up after yourself. (hands him a key) Otherwise, here is your room key, and enjoy your stay! (smiles; a bellhop notices what she's doing an grins to himself)

Peter Bretter:
(bewildered)... Why are you doing this for me?

Rachel Jansen:
(pause, glances in the direction Sarah and Aldous took) She's here with some guy, already? Kind of messed up.

Peter Bretter:
Yeah, right?! Thank you-

Rachel Jansen:
Really, it's not a big deal- go, go enjoy yourself!

Peter Bretter:
(tries to read her nametag) Rachel...

Rachel Jansen:
Jansen.

Peter Bretter:
Jansen. I mean, a thousand times, thank you! You know what I mean? I-

Rachel Jansen:
Go- go enjoy yourself!

Peter Bretter:
(on the phone with Brian as he sneaks across the hotel grounds behind Sarah and Aldous) This is a disaster!

Brian Bretter:
Calm down, man. Um... are there other hotels on the island?

Peter Bretter:
Of course there are other hotels- but I'm not leaving here, it'll look like I'm running away!

Brian Bretter:
Wait- why are you whispering? You're not following them, are you?!

Aldous Snow:
I had a girlfriend, right? And, um, Liam and Noel Gallagher both had it off with her, right in front of me, so that's...similar. (Sarah makes a disgusted noise) And that was a bit awkward, actually. So, if you do wanna change hotels, I'd quite understand.

Sarah Marshall:
No, no! I'm not changing hotels.

Peter Bretter:
(sees Sarah and Aldous making out) Oh, God! Okay, there they are! There they are, I see them!

Brian Bretter:
Go back to your room, Peter. Peter, go back to your room. Go back to your room, Peter.

Peter Bretter:
I'm going in.

Brian Bretter:
Go back to your room, Peter. Are you listening to me? Peter-Peter- Peter! Hey!- (Peter cuts him off and pretends to wander into Aldous and Sarah's yard)

Brian Bretter:
(over the phone, sarcastically) Did you enjoy that? Did you like what you saw?

Peter Bretter:
That hurt, a lot. But, I know Sarah, and I'm pretty sure I just ruined her day. (followed by a brief montage of Sarah having wild sex with Aldous, proving her day has not been ruined at all)

Peter Bretter:
(answering the phone after he has been sobbing on his balcony)...Hello?

Rachel Jansen:
...Peter?

Peter Bretter:
...Sarah?

Rachel Jansen:
...No, it's Rachel Jansen- from the front desk.

Peter Bretter:
(making an effort to control his voice)... Hey.

Rachel Jansen:
Hey- what's going on up there? I'm getting complaints about a woman, crying hysterically?

Peter Bretter:
Yeah, you know what, and I hear her too, and it sounds like she's having such a hard time. (his voice begins to break again) I think it's coming from the floor above me-

Rachel Jansen:
You're on the top floor.

Peter Bretter:
... I'll try and keep it down.

Rachel Jansen:
Are you okay?

Peter Bretter:
Yeah, you have a nice night.

Rachel Jansen:
Okay... (she hangs up. cut to Peter curled up on his floor, sobbing just as loudly.)

Matthew Van Der Wyk:
(into the phone, deadpan) Well, I would love to sell you some weed, Jeremy, but I'm at my f***ing job right now. Obviously, because you called me at work, you know that I'm at my place of work. So, I can't just leave here and sell you some weed- I can sell you some weed when I'm done. (notices Peter approaching) Hold on, I gotta call you back. Mahalo, all right! (hangs up) Hey, how's it going?

Peter Bretter:
Hey- uh, I'd just like to grab some dinner, please.

Matthew Van Der Wyk:
Okay, great- is your wife gonna meet you?

Peter Bretter:
No.

Matthew Van Der Wyk:
Or, your girlfriend?

Peter Bretter:
No. I don't, uh- I don't have a girlfriend.

Matthew Van Der Wyk:
(looks confused) You're just... by yourself?

Peter Bretter:
Yeah.

Matthew Van Der Wyk:
Man, that sucks. Okay, so just one! Here's your wine list and your menu. Come on. (leads him to his table) Do you want. like, a magazine or something? It's gonna be boring if you're just sitting all by yourself.

Peter Bretter:
I'll be all right, thank you.

Matthew Van Der Wyk:
I just would be so depressed.

Aldous Snow:
If I have just one sip of wine, by the end of the evening I'll be, like, rimming waiters for their tips, just to get me hands on a rock. You know what I mean? Nasty (Sarah laughs nervously)

Matthew Van Der Wyk:
(jokingly) I heard that! (comes over)

Aldous Snow:
Oh- hey, what's up, man.

Matthew Van Der Wyk:
How are you enjoying your vegetable medley?

Aldous Snow:
It's- it's mundane.

Matthew Van Der Wyk:
(not realizing that Aldous was criticizing the food negatively) It is mundane. It's great, I know.

Peter Bretter:
(drunk at the bar, talking to Dwayne and Darald) Maybe it's a good thing they're here. You know what I mean? Maybe this is a- a challenge from God to forget her! You know? (Dwayne looks very exasperated)

Darald Braden:
(also drunk) Or maybe it's a sign from God that you should be with her! I love her show- when they mix the sexuality and the violence, I like it.

Dwayne:
Aw, what the hell is wrong with you two? You gotta move on.

Peter Bretter:
I hear you say that, but it's not that easy.

Dwayne:
Oh, it's that easy, I promise you, it is. I lived in South Central. South Central- and I hated it. That's why I moved to Oahu- now, I can name you over 200 different kinds of fish.

Peter Bretter:
No, you can't.

Dwayne:
Oh, yes I can!

Darald Braden:
Do it!

Dwayne:
G: ghost piperfish, grill fish, goaler fish, grouper fish, greenback-

Darald Braden:
What's the state fish of Hawaii?

Dwayne:
Humuhumunukunukuapua'a. Yeah, b*tch!

Rachel Jansen:
Where's your wife, sir?

Darald Braden:
She is in bed.

Peter Brenner:
How are things going with the lady?

Darald Braden:
Not awesome. She's complicated- like The Da Vinci Code, you know, but- harder to... crack. (Peter and Rachel grin at each other bemusedly) But life is full of lessons, you learn something new every day, so... (pause) wonder what I'm going to learn... tomorrow? (pause) Well! (stands up to go) Good night!

Rachel Jansen:
Good night, sir.

Peter Bretter:
Night, sir.

Darald Braden:
(as he is leaving) Off to find the mythical clitoris! (Rachel raises her eyebrows at this remark)

Rachel Jansen:
So! (Peter snickers into his drink) Peter, were you able to get that crying lady out of your room? 'Cause, I could send someone up, if you want.

Peter Bretter:
Oh, you could?

Rachel Jansen:
Yeah.

Peter Bretter:
That's very funny. It is.

Rachel Jansen:
Well, listen- the Sarah Marshall Show sucks. Who cares?

Peter Bretter:
I do the music for that program. (awkward pause)

Rachel Jansen:
...Well, did I mention that the music rocks?

Peter Bretter:
(chuckles) That's very sweet of you- that's very sweet of you to say. (Rachel chuckles) You don't have to say that, though- it's not music. There's no melody, it's just tones. Just dark, ominous tones. (mimicks a line from the show) "The Masturbating Dog-Killer is on the loose again! He'll kill the owner, but at least the dogs are happy!" (imitates one of his 'tones' and he and Rachel both laugh)

Peter Bretter:
Are you Chuck?

Kunu:
Oh man, you know, they won't change that flyer. That's my mainland name. My Hawaiian name is Kunu!

Peter Bretter:
Oh, cool, sorry man.

Kunu:
Nah, it's all good!

Peter Bretter:
Does Kunu have some, like, cool Hawaiian meaning?

Kunu:
It means Chuck.

Kunu:
It looks like you got a little pain behind those eyes.

Peter Bretter:
Yeah, maybe a little.

Kunu:
There's really only one cure for that.

Peter Bretter:
Yeah, what's that?

Kunu:
Weed. You got any?

Peter Bretter:
No.

Kunu:
Oh. Well then let's go surfin'!

Kunu:
Okay, when we're out there, I want you to ignore your instincts. Kunu will be your instincts.

Peter Bretter:
(to Brian via his computer) I'm confused and I don't know what to do.

Brian Bretter:
What's up with that hat? What are you- what, are you in the Buena Vista Social Club?

Peter Bretter:
(put out)... This is a nice hat.

Brian Bretter:
(smirking) What member of The Brat Pack are you? You look like one of those guys suspected of killing JFK.

Peter Bretter:
... That's very funny. That's great.

Liz Bretter:
(offscreen) Tell him to make friends.

Brian Bretter:
(glances in her direction, then back) ...You need to get out there and make some friends, man.

Peter Bretter:
(annoyed) Is Liz there right now?!

Brian Bretter:
No! No, she- she's not in here, buddy.

Peter Bretter:
(more annoyed) I just heard her.

Brian Bretter:
She's... gone (looks right, in Liz's direction)

Peter Bretter:
Who are you looking at?! (Brian continues to look right)

Brian Bretter:
What?

Peter Bretter:
Is she still- (sarcastically) Hi, Liz!

Brian Bretter:
No, I swear on my mother's grave, it- (Liz leans into view and waves hello over Brian's shoulder) Okay, it was Liz. She wasn't here the entire time- Go out and meet people! We meet people all the time-

Liz Bretter:
All the time on vacation.

Brian Bretter:
Constantly.

Peter Bretter:
I've tried, all right?! There's like, a couple dudes here, but- they're kinda weird.

Liz Bretter:
Just- be friendly? (Brian nods) Iron your shirt-

Brian Bretter:
Iron your shirt, look sharp-

Liz Bretter:
Even your T-shirts.

Peter Bretter:
...There is this girl at the front desk who's pretty cute. (Liz makes a sound of approval, Brian makes a sound of disgust)

Brian Bretter:
Oh, yeah- you know what? Go and have another dirty one-night stand- that worked out so well before.

Peter Bretter:
What do you want from me?! You just told me I need to meet people.

Liz Bretter:
Ask her out! (to Brian) I mean, maybe that's what he needs is, like, a rebound!

Brian Bretter:
He's had plenty of chances for rebounds! This isn't- (Peter covers his face in exasperation)

Liz Bretter:
Can we get on the same team, here?

Brian Bretter:
(instantly backing down) Okay I'm sorry. (turns back to Peter) We're on the same team- sorry. (he and Liz do a mini-high-five)

Liz Bretter:
You should go out on a date with this girl, Peter.

Peter Bretter:
... Well, maybe I'll ask her out, then. (Liz nods approval)

Brian Bretter:
My wife says so.

Aldous Snow:
(To Peter and Sarah, as Matthew and other fans pressure him to come up to the stage and sing) Duty calls, and all that. I'm tryin' to be incognito, it's weird- it's like work to me, this is no fun! (to the audience) Hey- thank you! (goes up to the stage, lets Matthew hug him, then fends him off by offering him a pair of his sunglasses) Thank you! What a lovely introduction- what an eccentric and confident young man!

Kemo:
(as he and Peter are carrying the pig they just slaughtered to the luau, he notices Peter is crying) You can stop crying now- he's dead already.

Peter Bretter:
I'm not crying. You should stop crying.

Kemo:
I don't cry. I'm not a baby.

Peter Bretter:
Really? 'Cause you look like a gigantic baby. (realizes he said something offensive) I'm sorry, I didn't mean that at all (Kemo chuckles)

Peter Bretter:
Do you ever think about moving back, finishing school?

Rachel Jansen:
... No. I work at the hotel- there doesn't have to be a future in that.

Rachel Jansen:
So, how do you like writing music for a T.V. show?

Peter Bretter:
(pause) It's.. great, you know? People are great- it's great to have a steady paycheck- it's... I'm very, very lucky-

Rachel Jansen:
Oh my God, you hate it!

Peter Bretter:
I f***in' hate it! So much!

Rachel Jansen:
So, then do something about it!

Peter Bretter:
... Excuse me.

Rachel Jansen:
(laughing) I'm just saying, if you hate something, then change it!

Rachel Jansen:
...Why Dracula?

Peter Bretter:
Because, he's a man, just like everyone else- he just wants to be loved! And, every time he gets close to a human woman, he ends up smothering and killing here- which is a feeling I am familiar with.

Peter Bretter:
Rachel, I know his friend- let me handle this! (to Greg's friend, who was his waiter) Hey, man, you remember me from breakfast?

Breakfast waiter:
Oh, yeah! The cocktail guy! (shakes Peter's hand, then punches him) This ain't the breakfast buffet!

Greg:
(grabbing Peter and threatening to punch him) You with my girl, huh? You keepin' her warm for me at night, huh?!

Kemo:
Hey- what are you doing, here? (Greg slaps Kemo in the face, Kemo backhands him to the ground. Greg and his friend both attack Kemo at once, but Kemo easily holds them off)

Peter Bretter:
Rachel, we gotta get out of here!... Rachel?

Rachel Jansen:
(watching the fight, cheering for Kemo) That's right, just hit him- get what you deserve- (Peter physically picks her up and carries her away from the fight)

Peter Bretter:
'just a boy'? No! That dude was a f***ing man.

Rachel Jansen:
No, no, no- he is an a**hole. I can't believe I ever dated him.

Peter Bretter:
You went nuts.

Rachel Jansen:
Yeah. (chuckles)

Peter Bretter:
You guys are... dysfunctional. You were like one of those girls from Flavor of Love.

Rachel Jansen':
From what (laughs)

Peter Bretter:
You were! (does an imitiation) "I'll kill you- I'll kill you!".

Rachel Jansen:
(laughs and stands up) Okay, I'm gonna go get us another round.

Peter Bretter:
Oh, I'll get it- it's no big deal.

Rachel Jansen:
(smiles) Peter, you don't have to dote on me- I'm not that type of girl. (goes to the bar as Peter reminisces all the times Sarah made him hold her purse and stand in the background at her public events)

Peter Bretter:
Do you know that there's- there's a picture of you flashing, hanging in the men's room?

Rachel Jansen:
Yeah. Ugh, I hate it so much. My jackass boyfriend made me do it, and then Keoke over there (indicates the muscular bartender) took it. I asked him to take it down, but he said it would ruin the balance of the collage.

Peter Bretter:
... Do you want me to try and get it down for you?

Rachel Jansen:
No! No, no, no- he'll kill you. Like, really kill you.

Peter Bretter:
You know, I can play something else- I just think out of context it's-

Rachel Jansen:
Dracula musical!

Peter Bretter:
...thank you.

Peter bretter:
(referring to Rachel's ex-boyfriend) Did you see her ex-boyfriend?! I mean, he is ridiculous!

Dwayne:
Who, Greg? I love Greg, man.

Kunu:
I saw him beat up a guy with a starfish.

Peter Bretter:
Okay, that's just ridiculous.

Kunu:
That guy was me.

Darald Braden:
Lemme just say that, if God was a city planner, he would not put a playground next to a sewage system!

Sarah Marshall:
Telling me now isn't really the same thing as telling me.

Aldous Snow:
Well look, I haven't told you I have genital herpes because it's not inflamed at the moment.

Peter Bretter:
[while hanging from a cliff] So what should I do? I should just let go?

Rachel Jansen:
No, no, no, no, no. If you fall straight down, you'll probably hit a rock and kill yourself!

Peter Bretter:
...Totally. So what do I do?!

Rachel Jansen:
Why don't you just press your feet up against the rock, and like, shoot yourself off!

Peter Bretter:
What- like a frog?!

Rachel Jansen:
I don't know, Peter- just get off the f***ing rock!

Peter Bretter:
... Here I go! One! (pause)

Rachel Jansen:
...Two!

Peter Bretter:
...Two! ( ominous pause) Two and a half-

Rachel Jansen:
Jump!

Peter Bretter:
Three! ('jumps, falls awkwardly- but safely- into the sea near Rachel)

Aldous Snow:
It kind of reminded me of like a dark, Gothic Neil Diamond.

Peter Bretter:
That was, like, exactly what I was going for!

Peter Bretter:
(to Aldous Snow) F***, you're cool. It's very difficult to say, because, you know, I hate you in so many ways, but- damn, you're cool.

Aldous Snow:
Could you please get me some towels? I really am losing a lot of blood here.

Kunu:
(laughs, does a bad imitation of Aldous' accent) You sound like you're from London!

Sarah Marshall:
(after she, Peter and Rachel have each had a lot of wine) So... just so we're clear, and so that I can kinda hone in on your- your central thesis of the night, wade through all the bullshit- you're telling me you think you have the right to just f*** anyone, anywhere, anytime? That's what you're saying?

Aldous Snow:
Yes! That's right, there it is! Not so eloquently as you just put it, sweetheart, but- (spills his cranberry juice over the Tommy Bahama shirt Sarah bought him, and doesn't notice) Ultimately, that is- (notices the spill and laughs) Oh, no! Not the shirt! (laughing) Take my eyes, but not the shirt! (Rachel and Peter laugh, Sarah looks disgusted as Aldous wipes off his hand on his mouth) Mmm, yeah, that's pretty much what I believe, Sarah.

Sarah Marshall:
When you're done making jokes, are you gonna get a napkin?!

Aldous Snow:
D'you know what, I think I've improved it, actually! Against all odds- I think I deserve a design award!

Sarah Marshall:
(quietly and angrily) Just please get some seltzer water.

Aldous Snow:
Um, garcon, could we get some- (Matthew rushes over and tries vigorously to clean off Aldous' shirt, while Aldous tries to fend him off; Rachel laughs)

Matthew Van Der Wyk:
I saw it from farther away- Okay, just lean back for a sec- let me-

Aldous:
No, it's all right, it's not there- You're very diligent, and I appreciate it, but- let go of the glass now, you're gonna have to walk away, bless you. (Matthew reluctantly backs off as a waitress brings dessert)

Peter Brenner:
(in mock reaction to the dessert) Oh me, oh my- call the doctor.

Rachel Jansen:
Oh, good! (they both laugh; Rachel feeds Peter some of her dessert. Peter makes sounds of appreciation as Sarah watches them unhappily and drinks another glass of wine)

Peter Bretter:
I love Hawaii.

Rachel Jansen:
(laughs) It's good, huh?

Sarah Marshall:
(subtly disdainful) Yeah, it's nice, but I think- for like a week, tops. Any more than that, and I know I'd go crazy, because I think that Hawaii is- a place to escape- for people who can't deal with the real world (snickers and looks haughtily at Rachel, who glares at her)

Rachel Jansen:
(pauses, swallows her dessert) Yeah- you know, there's so few personal shoppers and pet therapists- gosh, it's such a hard life. (she feeds Peter another bite of dessert, then grabs his face and kisses him. Eventually Rachel pulls away and smirks at Sarah, who is glaring at her) I like living here.

Matthew Van Der Wyk:
Anyone need anymore vino?

Peter Bretter:
I think we're good.

Matthew Van Der Wyk:
(To Aldous Snow) I have a quick question for you, Mr. S. I was actually meaning to ask you- what did you exactly think of my demo? And, did you get it? I mean- did you get it?

Aldous Snow:
Oh! No- I was gonna listen to that, but then, um- I just carried on living my life. (Matthew looks stunned)

Matthew Van Der Wyk:
So- not at all?-

Aldous Snow:
No, I didn't- because, you know, I kind of, just- I got my instincts, and (clicks his tongue) they weren't good.

Matthew Van Der Wyk:
(pause, then lowers his voice to an infuriated whisper) You know what, dude?! F*** you, okay?! You can f*** yourself. I can't yell right now, 'cause I'll get fired- my boss will hear me, and I won't be able to pay off my student loans (Aldous nods understandingly, looking completely bored) but you know what? You're an a**hole. I f***in' hate you. I bought all your records- this whole f***in' time I've been trying to get you to hang out with me- I'm gonna have people f*** with your food the rest of your trip! You f***in' dick! (storms off)

Aldous Snow:
(raising his glass in a mock-toasting gesture) I like him, that was quite moving.

Sarah, Rachel and Peter:
(Sarah, having heard Rachel and Peter having sex through the wall, starts having sex with Aldous and faking a loud orgasm; Rachel and Peter realize what she's doing and have even noisier sex, trying to one-up her and vice versa. Finally, Aldous realizes what Sarah's doing and shoves her off.)

Aldous Snow:
Yeah, alright, that's enough!

Sarah Marshall:
What?

Aldous Snow:
I made a mistake, coming here with you. (Next door, Rachel and Peter noisily finish having sex) You're still involved with 'im next door, in't ya?

Sarah Marshall:
Excuse me?

Aldous Snow:
You should have seen yourself at dinner, Sarah. Then, we come back here, and you put on that... ghastly performance. I mean, I've heard that women fake orgasms, but I've never actually seen one- it really, deeply upset me.

Sarah Marshall:
(embarrassed and furious) You should have seen yourself at dinner! [mocking Aldous's accent] Oh, I'm Aldous Snow... bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. No, no drinks for me thanks... bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

Aldous Snow:
(boredly) That's a really reductive impression. If I wanted to see you act badly, I'd just watch your TV show- which, obviously, I can't now, 'cause it's canceled.

Sarah Marshall:
Oh my God, you're such a prick! And, you know what?! (rolls over and starts indicating his tattoos) Lemme tell you something about these tattoos, okay?! That is Buddhist, that is Nordic, that is Hindu, that's just gibberish- they are completely conflicting ideologies, and that does not make you a citizen of the world, it makes you full of sh*t! (rolls back over)

Aldous Snow:
(pause, raises an eyebrow) Was that genuine, or did you fake that as well? (Sarah looks furious) Right, I'm gonna probably clear off, now. I'll have a little sleep for a couple of hours, but then, uh, I'm gonna probably go in the morning, okay?

Sarah Marshall:
(long pause) I hate your music.

Aldous Snow:
Yeah, well I f***ed the housekeeper the other day. (he rolls over and falls asleep as Sarah stares at the ceiling miserably)

Peter Bretter:
...Are you asleep?

Rachel Jansen:
...Not anymore.

Peter Bretter:
... I know that I'm leaving- in a couple of days. Um... I don't even know what the hell all this means, but... I really like spending time with you.

Rachel Jansen:
I know... me, too.

Peter Bretter:
I just wanted you to know that... I meant what I said last night.

Rachel Jansen:
I know you did. (rolls her eyes and smiles) I did, too.

Sarah Marshall:
(As she is giving Peter oral sex, Peter feels guilty about Rachel and becomes unstimulated) What's wrong with you?

Peter Bretter:
Nothing is wrong with me, okay? I just- don't feel right-

Sarah Marshall:
Okay, okay! I didn't mean- well, you know what? (strokes his arms) Did you drink today? Because, sometimes when you drink-

Peter Bretter:
(angry) Excuse me. No, I haven't had anything to drink today. (pause) Maybe the problem is that you broke my heart into a million pieces- and so, my cock doesn't want to be around you anymore, Okay?! EVER! (he jumps backward off the bed, grabs his shirt and walks out as Sarah stares at him in disbelief) 'Cause you know what I just realized, huh? You're the goddamn Devil! (walks past a wedding service on the lawn) Oh, yeah, wedding in Hawaii- real original!

Rachel Jansen:
Listen to me, Peter. I was a mess, too- I understand that, okay? But it does not excuse you acting like a complete a**hole!

Peter Bretter:
Rachel, look, I know that I f***ed things up for a minute, but I am not like every other a**hole!

Rachel Jansen:
You should not be with anybody, right now. Anybody. (glares tearfully at him)

Peter Bretter:
I know... I know that there is something here. (indicates himself and Rachel) I know I wasn't wrong about that. And yes, it's only been four days, but I know you feel it, too. (Long pause as Rachel stares at him, hurt and angry)

Rachel Jansen:
(quietly) I need you to leave. Do not write me, do not call me, do not email me. (Peter gives her a pleading expression) Peter, I need you to go. (her voice breaks)

Peter Bretter:
(pause, nods) I won't bother you anymore...I'm sorry.

Keoke:
Don't be stupid, brother! Just gimme the picture! (after punching Peter for taking down the photo of Rachel flashing her breasts)

Peter Bretter:
You can hit me as many times as you want- I'm not giving you the photo back.

Keoke:
Oh, yeah? (Peter nods. Scene changes to Peter limping through the hotel lobby with a very bruised face. He goes up to Rachel's desk)

Rachel Jansen:
No, no, no- Peter, I told you I did not want to see you- (Peter hands her the photo without a word and walks away; shocked, Rachel look at the photo, then looks at Peter hugging Dwayne and Kemo goodbye, her expression pained)

Peter Bretter:
Wow! You came... I- I can't believe that you came.

Rachel Jansen:
Peter, this is- this is great. It was really funny, yeah.

Peter Bretter:
Thank you. You know what- I didn't realize that it was a comedy- and then, someone told me that, and it just, like opened the whole thing up! (they laugh, then there is an awkward pause) How long are you in town for?

Rachel Jansen:
Open-ended.

Peter Bretter:
Oh! Wow- bold.

Rachel Jansen:
(smiles) Yeah, you know... I'm kinda checking out some schools.

Peter Bretter:
(smiles) ...Congratulations.

Rachel Jansen:
(nods) Yeah, maybe. (pause) You never called

Peter Bretter:
You told me not to... and I listened. (pause) Wasn't easy...I might have called once and hung up, from a private number. (he and Rachel laugh)

Peter Bretter:
(Rachel has just walked in on him naked in his changing room; he covers himself with his free hand)... I was just calling you. (holds up his phone; after a moment, Rachel bursts out laughing) Um... wow.

Rachel Jansen:
Oh, Peter! (keeps laughing; Peter grins sheepishly) I'm sorry- (she keeps laughing)

Peter Bretter:
Stop laughing. (she doesn't) Can- can you please stop laughing?

Rachel Jansen:
(smiles) I missed you. (walks towards him)

Peter Bretter:
Um, I just wanted to tell you, I've been thinking a lot about- (Rachel cuts him off with a passionate kiss)

From the guys who brought you "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" and "Knocked Up"

The ultimate romantic disaster movie

When Peter got dumped by his girlfriend, he wanted to get as far away as possible. Apparently... so did she

A comedy about getting dumped, and taking it like a man.

Sarah Marshall:
Peter... as you know, I love you very much...

Peter Bretter:
[horrified] Are you breaking up with me? [drops his towel and covers his face]

Sarah Marshall:
Pete? Are you, um...?

Peter Bretter:
I just need a minute. [turns away, then hunches over and starts whimpering to himself]

Sarah Marshall:
Okay?

...

Sarah Marshall:
Do you want to put some clothes on?!

Peter Bretter:
[sarcastically] Would you like to pick out the outfit you break up with me in?!

Rachel Jansen:
Wow, we’re really going up to the edge of this, huh?

Peter Bretter:
Look.

Rachel Jansen:
Wow, this is really beautiful. All right, so now that your show’s done, are you gonna finish the Dracula musical?

Peter Bretter:
It’s not that was, you know. Sarah always thought it was crazy and...

Rachel Jansen:
Well, you're definitely crazy. But so is everyone, right? So who cares?

Peter Bretter:
I just don't feel like doing anything.

Rachel Jansen:
Why?

Peter Bretter:
'Cause my heart is broken, and I can't imagine doing anything right now. It's probably the same reason... you don't go back to school, you know? Maybe it's good we got hurt like that, you know? don't know about you, but it makes me feel impervious to pain.

Rachel Jansen:
Yeah. Kind of like there's nothing left to be afraid of.

Peter Bretter:
Yeah. No, exactly.

Rachel Jansen:
Right.

Peter Bretter:
We could leap off this rock, and it won't hurt us as had as they did.

Rachel Jansen:
So, jump then.

Peter Bretter:
No, I meant that, like as a metaphor, you know?

Rachel Jansen:
No. Just do it. You’ll be fine. Jump.

Peter Bretter:
Oh, god. Oh god. I made her kill yourself. You must be crazy.

Rachel Jansen:
So, are you gonna jump, or what.

Peter Bretter:
No.

Rachel Jansen:
Come on, Peter! I can see vagina from here. I can see hoo-ha.

Peter Bretter:
I mean, I'll jump!

Rachel Jansen:
Chicken, come on.

Peter Bretter:
[while hanging from a cliff] So what should I do? I should just let go?

Rachel Jansen:
No, no, no, no, no. If you fall straight down, you'll probably hit a rock and kill yourself!

Peter Bretter:
Totally. So what do I do?!

Rachel Jansen:
Why don't you just press your feet up against the rock, and like, shoot yourself off!

Peter Bretter:
What, like a frog?!

Rachel Jansen:
I don't know, Peter- just get off the f***ing rock!

Peter Bretter:
Here I go! One! [pause]

Rachel Jansen:
Two!

Peter Bretter:
Two! [pause] Two and a half-

Rachel Jansen:
Jump!

Peter Bretter:
Three! [jumps, falls awkwardly, but safely, into the sea near Rachel]

Rachel Jansen:
Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. You saw right?

Peter Bretter:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw it.

Rachel Jansen:
I was there I witnessed it.

Peter Bretter:
[smiling] Thanks.

[She kisses him]

Sarah Marshall:
[after she, Peter and Rachel have each had a lot of wine] So... just so we're clear, and so that I can kinda hone in on your, your central thesis of the night, wade through all the bullshit, you're telling me you think you have the right to just f*** anyone, anywhere, anytime? That's what you're saying?

Aldous Snow:
Yes! That's right, there it is! Not so eloquently as you just put it, sweetheart, but... [spills his cranberry juice over the Tommy Bahama shirt Sarah bought him, and doesn't notice] Ultimately, that is... [notices the spill and laughs] Oh, no! Not the shirt! [laughing] Take my eyes, but not the shirt! Mmm, yeah, that's pretty much what I believe, Sarah.

Sarah Marshall:
When you're done making jokes, are you gonna get a napkin?!

Aldous Snow:
D'you know what, I think I've improved it, actually! Against all odds, I think I deserve a design award!

Sarah Marshall:
[quietly and angrily] Just please get some seltzer water.

Aldous Snow:
Um, garcon, could we get some... [Matthew rushes over and tries vigorously to clean off Aldous' shirt, while Aldous tries to fend him off; Rachel laughs]

Matthew Van Der Wyk:
I saw it from farther away. Okay, just lean back for a sec. Let me...

Aldous:
No, it's all right, it's not there. You're very diligent, and I appreciate it, but, let go of the glass now, you're gonna have to walk away, bless you. [Matthew reluctantly backs off as a waitress brings dessert]

Peter Brenner:
[in mock reaction to the dessert] Oh me, oh my, call the doctor.

Rachel Jansen:
Oh, good! [they both laugh; Rachel feeds Peter some of her dessert.]

Peter Bretter:
I love Hawaii.

Rachel Jansen:
[laughs] It's good, huh?

Sarah Marshall:
Yeah, it's nice, but I think, for like a week, tops. Any more than that, and I know I'd go crazy, because I think that Hawaii is a place to escape for people who can't deal with the real world.

Rachel Jansen:
Yeah, you know, there's so few personal shoppers and pet therapists. Gosh, it's such a hard life. [she feeds Peter another bite of dessert, then grabs his face and kisses him.] I like living here.

Dwayne:
I don't understand what there is to think about.

Rachel Jansen:
Because, D, he...

Dwayne:
She licked the tip. That doesn't count.

Rachel Jansen:
Of course it counts! He...

Dwayne:
He what? He refused a blowj*b from his ex-girlfriend mid-blowj*b! Do you know what that's like for a man?! It's called blue balls, Rachel. This guy is like Gandhi, but better. He likes puppets! I love puppets.