Furry Vengeance

Neal Lyman:
Bruce Lee from the grave!

Dan Sanders:
Miley Cyrus!

Tammy:
[comes in] Honey, I'm home, and I am the bearer of some good news. Guess who met a friend today, and guess who's having dinner at... [looks at Dan's face and screams] Oh, honey, what happened to your face, Dan? And why are you wearing my Yum Yum sweats?

Dan:
I had a really long day. Gonna find you anyway... You shoddy little...

Tammy:
You're not fooling anyone. Let me guess. The crow? I found your clothes in the garbage, so I put them in the wash.

Dan:
Thank you.

Tammy:
You're welcome. I also made an appointment for you with a Dr. Burr. He's a local therapist.

Dan:
Tammy, I'm fine. All I need is a good night's sleep.

Tammy:
All right, fine, I'll cancel, but one more episode and you're going. This should help you sleep, however. Okay?

Dan:
What is it?

Tammy:
I got it from a fellow teacher at work.

Dan:
"Mrs. Martin's Mushroom Herbal Sleepy-Bye Tea".

Tammy:
Mm-hmm. Give it a try.

Dan:
[sniffs] Mmm.

Tammy:
Okay.

Dan:
Honey, come on, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm telling you, I'm fine.

Tammy:
Dan, chasing crows onto rooftops is not what I would consider "fine".

Dan:
What, exactly, are you talking about?

Tammy:
Tyler, Mommy and Daddy need to talk.

Tyler:
Right, 'cause the car's got soundproof windows.

Tammy:
[clears throat] Come here. All I'm saying is that I think you should take a day off and consult with a professional. You're obviously going through something.

Dan:
[sighs] I can't do that. I can't afford to miss another meeting with Lyman. That guy's flying hundreds of miles out of his way just to see me.

Tammy:
Mr. Eco-Developer's flying hundreds of miles out of his way in a private jet in order to have a meeting about eco-development?

Dan:
Right. Hey, [chuckles] that's funny. Look, honey, just 'cause a crow kept me up all night's no reason to throw in the towel. It's gonna take a lot more than that to keep Dan Sanders from building his utopia.

Dan:
Morning, honey.

Tammy:
Morning, sweetie.

Dan:
So, what's new in the world?

Tammy:
Well, crime rate's going up in Chicago.

Dan:
See? That's another thing to be grateful for. No crime here. Nothing but peace and quiet. That is temporary.

Tammy:
Mm-hmm. Oh, Dan, wild turkeys. Wild turkeys. Dan, stop. Hey. You can't eat that in front of them. Put it down. It could be their mom.

Dan:
How do they know it's turkey bacon and not bacon-bacon?

Tammy:
[mimics turkey] They have a sixth sense. Put it down. Hey, honey. How'd you sleep?

Tyler:
Not good. I had this awful nightmare that my insensitive parents uprooted me from my wonderful home and dumped me in the middle of nowhere.

Tammy:
He just misses his friends.

Dan:
How can he miss his friends? He spent the whole summer cooped up in his room talking to them online with his computer.

Tammy:
He knows the deal, all right? We're here for a year, and then we go back to Chicago. Maybe you should talk to him.

Dan:
[scoffs] What for? That'll just irritate him more.

Tammy:
Dan, you're his dad. Try.

Dan:
So, Tyler, care to join me outside for some fresh mountain air? Come on, Tyler, I bet there's probably some really cute girls at your school. And they really dig your hip city vibe.

Tyler:
Yeah. I bet you're right. I bet there are some cute girls out there.

Dan:
There you go.

Tyler:
You know what else there are? Poisonous rattlesnakes! Yeah, they're all over the forest. I'm gonna end up like this guy.

Dan:
[sighs] All right, you win. I'll quit my job, we pack up the car and we go back to Chicago. Would that make you happy? Don't answer that question. No, no, no. Don't touch.

Tyler:
What?

Dan:
For my boss.

Tyler:
All of them?

Dan:
Yeah, all 38 of them. I don't know what kind he likes.

Tyler:
Seriously?

Dan:
Hey, are we cool?

Tyler:
[sarcastically] Yeah, never better.

Dan:
Great.

Tammy:
Dan, we're a family, all right? We make decisions together.

Dan:
Look, it's not such a bad thing. Think of it as a promotion.

Tyler:
Yeah, if anybody needs me, I'll be at a friend's house. Oh! Oh, wait, I don't have any friends here.

Dan:
Look, guys, this is an opportunity to do something good for our family and for the environment, too.

Tyler:
How is ripping out the forest good for the environment?!

Dan:
It's not like that. We're Lyman Enterprises, we're the good guys, we're green.

Tyler:
Yeah, as in the color of money.

Dan:
And speaking of money, who wants a new Wii, huh?

Tyler:
[screams]

Lyman:
Dan, the Indians will be here in 10 days. We need to show what a truly special place Rocky Springs is. [sings] Thinking caps, thinking caps.

Felder:
I got it. We could have an Indian-themed barbecue.

Lyman:
What does that even mean?

Felder:
Lots of things. It could mean... Oh! Instead of burgers, we have buffalo burger! And we have wigwam, and teepee and squaw. Squaw. You were talking about the Gandhi type of Indians.

Lyman:
Uh-huh.

Dan:
Wait, wait, we could sponsor the local Forest Festival.

Lyman:
Forest Festival? That's a great idea!

Dan:
Well, you see, my wife is running it. And they're strapped for cash.

Lyman:
[whispers] You're dead to me.

Dan:
It's a great way to show the community how much we care.

Lyman:
Gold star, Dan. I'll call the publicist and the media.

Dan:
Yes! Excellent, sir. [shouts]

Lyman:
Why are you shouting at me?

Dan:
No, sir, I'm not shouting at you.

Lyman:
Okay, fine, but use your inside voice.

Dan:
Leave me alone!

Lyman:
What's his problem?

Dan:
Hey! Polly want a cracker? Polly want a cracker?

Lyman:
Did we not vet him? Did we do a mental status exam on him?

Dan:
Mr. Lyman? Are you still there, sir?

Lyman:
Yes, I'm still here! All right? Where's your brain?

Dan:
Sir, it's just... I'm very sorry... Oh, dear.

Lyman:
[speaks gibberish]

Dan:
I won't take up any more of your time, so I'll tell you what, I'll pick up a budget and a proposal and then I'll give it to you tomorrow after I huddle up with her on it.

Lyman:
[continues to speak gibberish]

Dan:
Great! Bye! Bees!

Frank:
Mrs. Sanders.

Tammy:
Now what? Dan?

Dan:
Therapy went well.

Tammy:
What happened?

Dan:
[sighs] If you really need to know, I got carjacked by a raccoon and a skunk. You must be Amber.

Amber:
Yeah.

Dan:
It's nice to meet you. If you'll excuse me, I need to remove a leech from my no-no zone.

Amber:
Oh, my God.

Dan:
Bye-bye.

Tammy:
Dan.

Dan:
I'm telling you, these animals are out to get me. I don't know why you won't believe me.

Tammy:
Because it's not possible. Raccoons do not carjack SUVs.

Dan:
Well, this one did, and I will prove it to you.

Dan:
Hey, Tyler.

Tyler:
Hey, Dad. Are you okay?

Dan:
I think we both know that I'm way beyond okay. See, I got these Indian investors coming to town, and there's a maniacal sociopathic raccoon that's been ruining my life, but no one seems to believe that it exists.

Tyler:
For whatever it's worth, I don't think you're crazy. Amber gave me this book on local folklore.

Dan:
Mm-hmm.

Tyler:
I think there's something you should see. Look, you're not the first person to ever try and settle Rocky Springs. This area was first settled by Tookoo the Caveman in 500, BC. Tookoo disappeared without a trace, and many others in history have tried and failed. There was Sigurd the Viking, Jedediah the Puritan, and there was Terrance the Hippie.

Dan:
Where are you going with this?

Tyler:
Look, I did a bunch of research, okay? It seems like your buddy, Lyman, has pretty deep pockets in Washington. He got them to rezone what was supposed to be a preserved forest.

Dan:
[mumbles] No, I don't know. I'm sure that's not the case.

Tyler:
It is, okay? You're building on a nature preserve and frankly, it's ticking nature off.

Dan:
Are you telling me that the animals are trying to get me to stop developing Rocky Springs?

Tyler:
No, I think they're past that. I think the animals are out for revenge.

Lyman:
You know, with our animals locked up and under control, I think we could speed up phase two by several months.

Dan:
That would be correct.

Tammy:
Mind if I join you?

Lyman:
Please. Do sit down.

Tammy:
Thank you. So, Dan said you wanted to go over a few of the festival details.

Lyman:
Well, first of all, Tammy, I mean, you've done a fantastic job.

Tammy:
Thank you.

Lyman:
I just have a few tweaks.

Felder:
Tweaks, tweaks.

Lyman:
Our current plans for the festival, well, they're depressing.

Tammy:
Huh?

Lyman:
And this whole thing about pollution and the trees. Please. If my Indian investors wanna be reminded about pollution, they'll stay home in Calcutta.

Felder:
Stink-o.

Tammy:
Well, what do you want me to do? Get eco-go-go dancers?

Lyman:
Great idea. Jot that down.

Felder:
Write this down.

Lyman:
Hey, Mom, you owe me 25 bucks. Yeah, ma, 25 bucks. Stupid!

Tammy:
Dan, we've got to do something. Your boss is ruining the whole festival.

Dan:
Tammy, it's not that bad.

Tammy:
Yeah, it is. It's going against everything it's meant to be. It's a disaster. It's embarrassing.

Dan:
Calm down, will you? What do you want me to do, Tammy? He's my boss.

Tyler:
So, were you ever gonna tell me?

Dan:
Tell you what?

Tyler:
About your four-legged prison.

Dan:
Oh. [sighs] It's not what you think it is, all right? It's just for a couple of days until the investors leave and then...

Tyler:
Then what?

Dan:
Well, we let the animals free and everything's fine, and you know what? They're probably a little bit better off right now because they're safe.

Tyler:
Wow! You are so blind to the facts. You work for a green company and you're signing orders to cage little animals. You're such a hypocrite.

Tammy:
Hey, Tyler.

Tyler:
No, Mom.

Dan:
Wait a minute. What, I'm the bad guy? Oh, come on. No.

Lyman:
How about a hand for the band, ladies and... Friends and... It's broken. It's broken. Hayseed. Friends and neighbors, my name is Neil Lyman, and on behalf of Lyman Enterprises, it has been a privilege to be a part of your little community. Today... Thank you. Thank you. Today marks a new beginning for this little town of yours. Some have called it backwater. Some have called it irrelevant. Two-teeth maximum. But I see your little corner of nature for what it could be, a center for a new suburbia. Thank you. Thank you. With me today is a great man who will change your little world. So, without further ado...

Dan:
Stop the development of Rocky Springs. Stop the development of Rocky Springs. My son, Tyler, here, he was right. You were right. This man's a fraud. He's not eco-friendly. He's not even friendly.

Lyman:
All right. That's a little below the belt, okay?

Dan:
I forced my family to move here. I said it was for the fresh air, for them to have a better life. I was just trying to further my career. I came here because I thought that I was building a community, but the truth is I was just stealing one. I'm sorry.

Tyler:
[mouths] Thank you.

Dan:
I'm sorry.

Lyman:
Sorry about this. Security. Security, please. Okay, what if I told you people I was about to pour in $100 million into the local economy? Who's friendly now, huh? Who's friendly now?

Dan:
Don't listen to him.

Security Guard:
Mr. Sanders.

Dan:
Hi. Check out Mr. Pee-Pee Pants. Just had a little problem with a raccoon. Well, that's funny. He must have scampered off.

Tyler:
Hilarious.

Dan:
Are you still mad at me?

Tyler:
What do you think?

Dan:
Well, excuse me for caring about the environment.

Frank:
[exclaims] Hello, jefe. The beaver dam problem is gone. Yes. Yes!

Tyler:
Oh. Blowing up beavers, are we?

Dan:
They weren't home.

Tammy:
Well, that was eco-friendly of you.

Dan:
Hello, sir.

Lyman:
Dan, Neil Lyman. Listen, our plane got in about 15 minutes early. I was thinking about scouting the site.

Dan:
[gasps] Oh, jeez!

Lyman:
How's everything on your end?

Dan:
[screams] Hot! Hot! Oh, come on! Okay, little buddy, come on, move along. Move it! [honks] All right. Hey! Come on, shoo. Beat it. Go on, beat it. Scat. Go. I'm late for work. Thank you. Come on! All right, what is your... Rabies! You wanna play games? Let's play games. [honks] [engine revs] All right. You asked for it. I'll do it. Don't think I won't. Mr. Lyman?

Lyman:
Dan, if this is some kind of stall tactic, I'm not finding it very clever.

Dan:
That's because there's a very good reason... [exclaims] Miley Cyrus! [brakes screech] [grunts] [exclaims] Seriously? [softly] Please. Come on, please, one. Just one bar. Two bar, three bar. Good. Mr. Lyman?

Lyman:
Sanders, do you like working for me?

Dan:
Yes, sir. I'm just... I'll call you back!

Lyman:
I'm stuck on this plane, and I'm very hungry. I want a veggie burrito, hold the guacamole, no cilantro. I repeat... Are you taking this down?