Good Boys

Annabelle:
I know what cocaine is.

Thor:
Annabelle, get out of here. Bean Bag Boys only.

Annabelle:
I heard, at the skate park, the older kids will make you take drugs.

Max:
We'll never do drugs. They destroy lives and communities.

Annabelle:
You have no choice.

Thor:
[calling out] Mom!

Thor's Mom:
Annabelle, don't antagonize your brother. Come on, go upstairs. Now... [Annabelle gives her brother the middle finger before going upstairs] Hey. All right, Bean Bag Boys, finish up. It's a school night. Lights out, 8:30.

Thor:
What? You said 8:45.

Thor's Mom:
Hey. Finish up.

Lucas:
I don't think I want to go to the skate park.

Max:
We're in sixth grade now. We need to start doing sixth grade things.

Thor:
Ooh, you want to see Brixlee, don't you?

Lucas:
Stop. What are you doing?

Max:
Kissing her.

Lucas:
You can't kiss someone without their permission. Remember from assembly?

Thor:
Pretend it's Brixlee. Try to be a gentleman.

Max:
Okay.

[The Bean Bag Boys head over to Max's neighbor, Hannah's house to get back the drone]

Hannah:
[answers the door] Hey. Can I help you?

Max:
Uh, I hope so, madam. We were using our drone to follow a family of turtles, and we thought it might have crashed into your backyard.

Hannah:
Oh, yeah, yeah, it's here. Come on in. [the boys enter the house and she closes the door and locks it] So, you guys like turtles?

Max:
Yeah.

Hannah:
That's awesome.

[The boys enter the kitchen and find the drone sitting on the counter]

Lily:
Time's up, motherfuckers.

Thor:
Sh*t! It's a trap!

Hannah:
You think I give a f*** about turtles?

Lucas:
We're sorry. We just wanted to learn how to kiss.

Max:
Lucas, it's none of their business.

Lucas:
We should have just told the truth. We're going to a kissing party, and none of us have ever kissed, and we're scared.

Max:
God, I'm so f***ed. My dad's gonna kill me.

Lucas:
You had to snoop on them. You're such a feminist.

Max:
I'm not a feminist. I love women. And my parents are definitely gonna call your guys' parents. We're all gonna get grounded. Forget Soren's party. We're f***ed. [notices Thor smiling] Why are you smiling? This is actually your fault.

Thor:
[takes out Hannah's bag, revealing that he swiped it] This is leverage. [back at Max's house, he dumps out the stuff onto the coffee table; chuckles as he holds up a tampon] Oh. Bingo!

Lucas:
What is it?

Thor:
I have no idea.

Max:
That's a tampon.

Lucas:
What's it for?

Max:
Girls shove it up their buttholes to stop babies from coming out. And eighth-grader told me that.

Lucas:
The human body is truly a mystery. [looks at a jar of chewable vitamins] Can't believe they still eat these chewables. The gummies are so much better.

Thor:
I like the chewables. I want one.

Thor:
[whispers as Hannah's phone rings] It's the girls.

Max:
[answers the phone] Hello?

Hannah:
[calling through Lily's phone] You took my bag. It has my license, my phone. Bring it back right now.

Max:
[defiantly] F*** that noise. I want my drone back.

Lily:
I got this. I got this. I got this. [speaking in a growling tone] What did you just say, you little b*tch? I'll take a sh*t down your throat.

Hannah:
[turns off the speaker] Why are you talking like that?

Lily:
Hannah, I have a little brother. You're supposed to scare them.

Hannah:
Well, you scared me. [turns the speaker back on] Listen, we-we were just trying to teach you a lesson. I promise you were gonna give the drone back.

Lucas:
No way. They could trick us again. Or overpower us.

Lucas:
SCAB just tagged us on Instagram.

Thor:
First Sippy Cup, and now this? I'm two weeks in the sixth grade, I'm already a social piranha.

Max:
Guys, my dad gets back at 5:00. If we don't get a new drone by then, I'm grounded. Which means we're all grounded, which means no party, which means no Brixlee.

Thor:
Sippy Cup for life.

Lucas:
No Brixlee, no friends, no hope, parents fighting, trapped in our rooms, all alone, two Taco Tuesdays.

Thor:
So, Max, what are we gonna do?

Max:
We're gonna ditch school and get a new drone.

Lucas:
Stop thinking with your big old dick, Max. That could go on our permanent record.

Thor:
Max's big old dick is pointing us in the right direction.

Max:
Thank you. If anyone else kisses Brixlee, I'll die.

Thor:
Wait, what? Here's the plan. I'm gonna bring a beer to Soren's, and I'm gonna sip that beer so everyone will know…

Lucas:
That you're an alcoholic.

Thor:
That would be great.

Max:
Guys. The only place around here that has one is at North Point Galleria. That's four miles away.

Thor:
Four miles? How the f*** are we getting four miles?

Max:
You have Uber.

Thor:
No, it goes directly to my mom's phone. She'll know.

Max:
Then we bike.

Lucas:
Where are you even gonna get the money for a new drone? [confused] What?

Max:
You know.

Lucas:
Our Turzan of Uzkara card? No way! [leaves the bathroom stall]

Max:
You said everyone wants to buy it.

Lucas:
We got it together.

Thor:
And we're gonna sell it together as friends.

Max:
Come on, Lucas. Bean Bag Boys do everything together.

Lucas:
[makes up his mind] Okay. Guess that makes sense.

Max:
I have something in here that might change your mind. [digs through his backpack]

Benji:
Hurry up.

Max:
[pulls out a paintball gun and aims it at Benji] B*tch! Now who's the baby?!

Lucas:
Holy sh*t.

Thor:
What the f***?

Max:
If I don't get those drugs, I'm gonna be grounded, and then I'll never get to kiss Brixlee!

Thor:
Max, what the f*** are you doing?

Max:
You sell drugs. We came here to buy them. So now you're gonna sell us the drugs. DO NOT TEST ME!

Benji:
Okay. You want the drugs? I'm not your parent. Here. [gives Max the drugs]

Max:
[gladly] Thanks. [a sound of an air horn blows and he accidentally fires a paintball at Benji, hitting him in the forehead, and knocking him out] Oh, sh*t.

Max:
[takes his phone out of his pocket as it rings] Guys, it's my dad. [answers the phone] Hey, Dad.

Mr. Newman:
Hey, buddy. I got on the early flight, so I'll be home in 15 minutes.

Max:
15 minutes from now or 15 minutes from later?

Mr. Newman:
Ha-ha, funny guy. I'll see you soon.

Max:
[worried after he hangs up] My dad will be home in 15 minutes.

Thor:
Maybe he won't notice the drone's gone.

Max:
He'll notice. He's very observant. That's why my mom fell in love with him.

Lucas:
The drone has to be home before your dad.

Max:
I know.

Lucas:
Just the drone. Not you. Just the drone.

Max:
[upset after his dad angrily hangs up] My dad says I'm grounded. Now I'm never gonna be able to kiss Brixlee.

Lucas:
It's okay, Max. There'll be other parties.

Max:
Lucas, you don't get it.

Thor:
He's right, Lucas. This party could change our lives, and you don't even care. It's not cool at all.

Max:
Yeah, you know what's not cool?

Thor:
What the f*** does that mean?

Max:
Go sip a beer, Sippy Cup.

Thor:
I love beer, so yes, I will. And you may think you're so mature, but the truth is you don't have pubes, and I have six.

Max:
You say you have pubes, but you also say you drink beer, and I know you don't.

Lucas:
Stop arguing!

Max:
Just admit you skipped the audition because you thought it wasn't cool even though your voice is a f***ing gift. And you always talk a big game, and you never back it up. Like on the freeway.

Thor:
Oh, sorry. I didn't want to cross 12 lanes of traffic so you can kiss some skank.

Lucas:
Oh, sh*t.

Max:
She's not a skank. She's the love of my life! You take that back!

[The two start to fight]

Lucas:
Hey, no karate! Stop fighting! [stops the fighting and starts breaking down on the verge of tears; to Thor] You should never call a woman a skank! You should never call a woman anything! [turns to Max] And you… You made us ditch school, run around with drugs, and lock a cop in a convenience store with what I now suspect is a dildo! [sees a white-bearded man laughing at them] WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU LOOKING AT, GANDALF?! [the white-bearded man leaves]

Max:
You guys don't understand sh*t. I have hormones flowing through my body making me do crazy things! Do you even know what it feels like to want to rub up against a tree all the time?

Thor:
You think you're better than us.

Max:
Not better, just more mature. I'm into romance and grown-up sh*t, and you guys are still into little kid stuff. I don't even know why we're still friends.

[Newman residence; Max sits on the sofa while his parents scold and punish him for using the drone and destroying the house]

Mr. Newman:
Everything you like is now canceled! Birthdays are canceled. Holidays are canceled. Summer's canceled.

Mrs. Newman:
Winter is coming.

Max:
I'm sorry, Daddy.

Mr. Newman:
No, no, no. You are no longer allowed to call me Daddy. Call me Andrew or Mr. Newman or Warden. Underneath that cherubic face, Devil lives inside you. I will always love you because you are my son, but I no longer like you.

[Thor's house; Thor is playing his keyboard when his mother enters his room after getting a call from Mrs. Newman]

Thor's Mom:
Thorny. I just got off the phone with Max's mom. Did you know he skipped school and biked to the mall by himself?

Thor:
He said that?

Thor's Mom:
He did. Promise me you'll never do something as stupid as that, okay?

Thor:
I promise.

[Lucas' house; Lucas talks to his parents about the events he and his friends went through]

Lucas:
And then we ran across the highway, my arm got ripped out, and a fake woman shot out of a car. But we still got the drugs. Then we traded the drone for it, and Max destroyed his house with it. But it was only because he wanted to marry Brixlee, and now he can't because he's grounded for life. And we got into a huge fight, and the Bean Bag Boys are broken up, and… Am I in trouble?

[Lucas shows up at Max's house, wearing a troll mask, frightening Max]

Max:
[opens the window] You scared the sh*t out of me.

Lucas:
I didn't want your parents to see my face. [takes off the mask]

Max:
Why are you even here?

Lucas:
I've grown a lot in the last two hours. My parents' divorce has really changed me. If the Bean Bag Boys don't grow together, they'll grow apart.

Max:
I don't want that. I don't want to get a divorce from you.

Lucas:
Then you need to go to Soren's party. You need to sneak out.

Max:
I can't. I'm grounded. Besides, Brixlee's necklace is still in the kiln.

Lucas:
Let me worry about the necklace. And what are your parents gonna do, double-ground you? Is Brixlee your forever or not? Then you need to come with me now.

Max:
Fine, I'll go, but I'm not apologizing to Thor.

Lucas:
He's not coming.

Max:
Good. F*** that b*tch. I'll go get my jacket.

Lucas:
Hey, Max.

Max:
Yeah?

Lucas:
Bring that dick.

[Little later, Max and Lucas arrive at Soren's house and Max is disappointed to see that Thor is already there]

Max:
[sighs] You said Thor wasn't coming.

Thor:
What the hell is he doing here?

Lucas:
I Parent-Trapped your asses. See, now we're all in a bigger hermit crab shell together. It made sense when my parents said it.

Thor:
[to Max] So, you took the blame for us, huh?

Max:
Yeah, I thought about what you would do, and did the opposite.

Thor:
This party, it's gonna be an epic rager.

Max:
Okay, Sippy Cup.

Thor:
Just stay out of my way, Maxi Pad.

Thor:
I thought you were still grounded.

Max:
It ended yesterday. A month in the whole.

Thor:
Thanks again for taking the fall.

Max:
You would've done the same.

Lucas:
Well, well, well. Look who's here. Me.

Max & Thor:
Hey!

Max:
Feels like we haven't talked in weeks.

[Last lines]

Annabelle:
Thor? What are you doing in Mom and Dad's room?

Thor:
Get the hell out of here, Annabelle!

Annabelle:
That swing is for sexing. People do sex on it.

Bean Bag Boys:
[realizing] Oh...!

Max Newman:
Dad, I'm in sixth grade. I need, uh, privacy sometimes.

Max Newman:
God, I'm so f***ed. My dad's gonna kill me.

Max Newman:
[while trying to open the bottle of chewable vitamins] F***ing childproof bullshit!

Max Newman:
This is Max from earlier. Meet us at the playground across from John Adams, tomorrow at 7:40 AM. Bring the drone, and don't f*** with the Bean Bag Boys.

Max Newman:
[shocked in horror when the school bus runs into the drone, destroying it] F***!!!!!

Max Newman:
We're gonna ditch school and get a new drone.

Max Newman:
[aiming a paintball it at Benji; savagely] B*tch! Now who's the baby?! If I don't get those drugs, I'm gonna be grounded, and then I'll never get to kiss Brixlee! You sell drugs. We came here to buy them. So now you're gonna sell us the drugs. DO NOT TEST ME!

Max Newman:
[to Thor] Go sip a beer, Sippy Cup.

Max Newman:
You guys don't understand sh*t. I have hormones flowing through my body making me do crazy things! Do you even know what it feels like to want to rub up against a tree all the time?

Max Newman:
I don't want to get a divorce from you.

Thor:
Bean Bag Boys only.

Thor:
Ooh, you want to see Brixlee, don't you?

Thor:
Remember the porn from earlier? The guy didn't even know how to kiss, he was just licking that woman's a**hole.

Thor:
I've had sex before, but I've never kissed a girl.

Thor:
Those girls are lucky I didn't kick their asses.

Thor:
I'm two weeks in the sixth grade, I'm already a social piranha.

Lucas:
[getting a text on his phone from his parents] Veggie lasagna for dinner? Everything's coming up, Lucas.

Lucas:
You can't kiss someone without their permission. Remember from assembly?

Lucas:
The human body is truly a mystery.

Lucas:
No Brixlee, no friends, no hope, parents fighting, trapped in our rooms, all alone, two Taco Tuesdays.

Lucas:
Oh, my God, I just killed a man!

Lucas:
You should never call a woman a skank. You shouldn't call a woman anything!

Lucas:
WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU LOOKING AT, GANDALF?!

Lucas:
If the Bean Bag Boys don't grow together, they'll grow apart.

Mr. Newman:
Please be nice to your sister, help your mom, and do not touch the drone.

Mr. Newman:
I just want you to know I'm proud of you.

Mr. Newman:
[on the phone, furious with Max when he accidentally destroys the house with the drone] Cannot believe I trusted you! I explicitly told you, do not touch the drone!

Mr. Newman:
Everything you like is now canceled.

Mr. Newman:
I will always love you because you are my son, but I no longer like you.