Happy Days

Marion Cunningham:
Richie just hasn't got the appetite that Chuck has.

Howard Cunningham:
Marion, Argentina hasn't got the appetite that Chuck has.

Ralph Malph:
You're such a Potsie!

Ralph Malph:
[Richie is worried that he's going crazy] Come on, Richie! You're no crazier than the rest of us! Look at Potsie. You think he's normal? And Fonzie... super-cool Fonzie. Fonzie with his "Ayyy!" I mean, that's pretty... that's really sicko when you come right down to it.

Richie Cunningham:
I wouldn't let him hear you say that.

Ralph Malph:
You tell him I said that, and I'll deny it! Every word!

Richie Cunningham:
OK, Ralph - take it easy.

Ralph Malph:
Now you take me - nice, normal Ralphie Malphie. I got no quirks. But I know what they're saying about me. They're saying my hair's too neat, I'm too cute, and girls crave my bod.

Richie Cunningham:
They're not saying that, Ralph.

Ralph Malph:
Yes they are. They're also saying that I look like a movie star because my teeth are too even.

[watching a Chicago Bears football game in 1956]

Ralph Malph:
That Bears quarterback is no good. He's washed up. He's 30.

Richie Cunningham:
That's ridiculous. George Blanda still has a few more good years left.

Richie Cunningham:
So how did you do on that social studies test?

Potsie Weber:
I missed that question on Alaska. I hear they want to make it a state now.

Richie Cunningham:
That'll never happen.

The Fonz:
Heyyy!

The Fonz:
You're dreaming about a girl you've never met?

Richie Cunningham:
Come on, Fonz, haven't you ever dreamed?

The Fonz:
Hey I'm not the dreamer! I'm the dreamee!

Howard Cunningham:
Why can't you be a normal boy and swallow goldfish?

Jenny Piccalo:
I wouldn't miss this for a weekend with the Green Bay Packers as their towel girl!

[Fonzie's feet are sore from dancing and needs to be held up]

Fonzie:
Aaaay, I'm up and moving!

Richie Cunningham:
You're in La-La land, Fonz.

Fonzie:
Let me tell ya, it's a lot of fun in La-La land!

Ralph Malph:
I've still got it!

Charles 'Chachi' Arcola:
Wa! Wa! Wa!

Richie Cunningham:
I found my thrill on Blueberry Hill.

The Fonz:
You ain't nobody until you do what you want!

Count Mallachi:
Release the doves!

Potsie Weber:
Rich! Rich!

Ralph Malph:
Come quick!

Richie Cunningham:
What? Is there something wrong?

Potsie Weber:
It's a shark!

Ralph Malph:
The Fonz...

Richie Cunningham:
Fonz got eaten by a shark?

Potsie Weber:
He did? Who said that?

Ralph Malph:
Not me! What're you talking about?

Richie Cunningham:
Well, you just said "The shark..."!

Ralph Malph:
Nooo! Listen! The Fonz is gonna jump *over* a shark!

Richie Cunningham:
A shark? That is the *stupidest* thing I have ever heard!

Fonzie:
Stupid, yes. Also dumb. But it is something I've gotta do.

Richie Cunningham:
Fonz, you're not jumping over garbage cans on a bike. You're jumping over a shark. On nothing! On a couple of little skis! One little slip and chomp! Chomp! Chomp!

Fonzie:
Thanks a lot for your support. Look, I was challenged. I gotta jump.

The Fonz:
Arnold, go and cook up a couple of burgers for us.

Matsuo 'Arnold' Takahashi:
But I just cleaned the grill!

The Fonz:
Well, good! Then maybe they'll taste better!

[repeated line]

Richie Cunningham:
Sit on it!

The Fonz:
[to his class]

The Fonz:
Don't you understand, your brain is clay and I gotta *squeeze* it! [class is startled] [then calmly] Let me put that another way...

[Fonzie and Pinky have had a fight and are sitting at the dinner table]

Richie Cunningham:
Dad, uh, can you come upstairs with me for a minute?

Howard Cunningham:
I haven't finished my dessert yet.

Richie Cunningham:
Well, you can finish it upstairs, Dad.

Howard Cunningham:
What are you doing?

Richie Cunningham:
Well, we have to talk.

Howard Cunningham:
Talk about what?

Richie Cunningham:
I... I don't know... the birds and bees.

Howard Cunningham:
Oh, Richard, we already had that talk.

Richie Cunningham:
[refers to the table] Yeah, and you didn't learn much.

The Fonz:
[Marion has just told off the Fonz and stormed out of the room] I'm gonna hit her.

Howard Cunningham:
No, you're not gonna hit my wife.

The Fonz:
Then I'll hit you!

Howard Cunningham:
You're not gonna hit my son.

The Fonz:
Then I'll hit you!

Richie Cunningham:
You're not gonna hit my father either.

The Fonz:
Well I gotta hit somebody. You know where Potsie is?

The Fonz:
[Richie tries to get Fonz to get rid of a very tall, very big lumberjack] You picked a fight with a red and black tree?

Richie Cunningham:
[testing Fonzie's wilderness knowledge] What side of the tree does moss grow on?

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
Rich, who cares?

Richie Cunningham:
You're always the leader, this time I want to be the chief.

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
Fine, you be the Chief, I'll be an Indian, you say jump and I'll say HOW-high?

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
I'm going in the tent. I came up here with a girl and I'm going to sleep with three grown men that smell like wet wool.

Richie Cunningham:
Check the area for any litter. This is your campground, keep it clean.

Potsie Weber:
WHAT LITTER? The rain just washed everything halfway to Mexico!

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
Malph, I want to ask you a question since you're the college man... what do bears eat?

Ralph Malph:
Oh this oughtta be a good one. I don't know, what DO they eat?

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
What're you asking me for?

Ralph Malph:
I thought it was a riddle.

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
[looks up, nods to Ralph's head] Lightning bolt, right here!

Marion Cunningham:
I hope you weren't offended when I got a little peeved at you the other day.

The Fonz:
Ay, that's ok Mrs. C, everyone has a little temper tantrum once in a while.

Marion Cunningham:
You did a wonderful job, Arthur. Shall we make up? [Fonz leans his cheek over and Marion gives him a kiss]

The Fonz:
[embarrassed] Ay, uh, does she yell at you like that often?

Howard Cunningham:
Yeah, but we make up differently!

Howard Cunningham:
I don't understand you! How could you do something like that? You know alot of those girls fathers are very upset? I mean they've been calling me up all day long, one of them even threaten to punch me right in the nose! You've embarrassed your whole family, you've made a fool out of yourself, Your gonna be punished for this, you are grounded for two weeks! And for what, a couple of dates? a few good times? Looking at alot of girls in bathing suits, was all that worth it!

Marion Cunningham:
I don't even have to go through with this dance contest! Let's go home.

Howard Cunningham:
Yeah. Come on, get your coat, Richie.

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
Hey, now, wait a minute! I don't understand something here. I practice all week until I limp home and I gotta soak my feet. I spend 18 dollars and 50 cents on a monkey suit. Two nerds come to my room and lock me in my bathroom and start calling me names. Sherlock Holmes here, chases me and starts yelling at me. Cunningham, he, Cunningham over there, he starts threatening me with physical violence. Shortcake kicks me in the leg. And you wanna go home happy. Well, let me tell you something, you're not going anywhere, lady! THE FONZ WANTS TO DANCE !

The Fonz:
[Marion and Fonzie have been practicing in secret to enter a ballroom dance contest - the family has caught them and offered to take Marion home] Wait a minute. I don't understand something here. I practice all week until I have to limp home and soak my feet. I spend 18 dollars and fifty cents on a monkey suit. Two nerds come to room, lock me in my bathroom and start calling names. Sherlock Holmes here chases me and starts yelling at me. Cunningham threatens me with physical violence, Shortcake kicks me in the leg and you all want to go home happy. We let me tell you something, you're not going anywhere lady. THE FONZ WANTS TO DANCE!

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
[a US Treasury Agent informs the Cunninghams that Fonzie has been killed - unaware that Fonzie is making hot chocolate in their kitchen] Hey, you want some hot chocolate?

T-Man Peterson:
No thanks, I'm on duty.

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
Too bad, I like those little marshmallows.

T-Man Peterson:
[does a double take] You!

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
Me!

T-Man Peterson:
You're alive!

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
What was your first clue?

Candy Man:
[to Fonzie's coffin] So long, chump.

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
[raises lid, grabs him] The chump lives!

Andrew 'Squiggy' Squiggmann:
The Fonz was the nicest guy what ever beat me up.

Shirley Feeney:
His boots look peaceful.

Laverne DeFazio:
Yeah. [cries and hugs one of Fonzie's boots]

Shirley Feeney:
You can't keep the boot.

Laverne DeFazio:
I want it.

Shirley Feeney:
You can't keep the boot.

Laverne DeFazio:
I want it.

Shirley Feeney:
You want him standing barefooted for that big stag line in the sky?

Laverne DeFazio:
No, he'd kill me.

Richie Cunningham:
[Fonzie has just advised Joanie not to make the same mistakes he made, growing up] You made mistakes?

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
The mistake I made was not my fault!

Joanie Cunningham:
They see how fabulous I am, then I tell them about Los Angeles, what can they say then?

Richie Cunningham:
What can they say? 'Joanie, go to your room!' and then they'll nail the door shut.

Marion Cunningham:
[meeting Leather Tuscadero] Hello, Leather... oh, I get it, Leather and you wear leather outfits.

Howard Cunningham:
Marion, why else WOULD they call her Leather?

Marion Cunningham:
I was afraid to ask.

The Fonz:
[after Chachi has accidentally burned down Arnold's by not turning off the grill] The man trusted you! What did you do, send your brain on vacation?

Charles 'Chachi' Arcola:
Fonz... It was an accident.

The Fonz:
[livid] No! Accidents just happen! This is *your fault*! *You* caused this! Irresponsibility!

Charles 'Chachi' Arcola:
[in tears] I'm sorry!

Leroy:
I'll tell you when to go home, Arthur.

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
Don't ever call me Arthur, and I move when I want to. You ready Carmine.

Carmine Ragusa:
[singing] They'll never go from rags to riches.

Jenny Piccalo:
[through a big smile, to her father] Am I in trouble, Daddy?

Roscoe Piccalo:
[smiling back just as big] Of course you're in trouble, sweetheart. It doesn't mean I don't love you. We'll discuss things when we get home.

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
Don't you understand, your brain is clay and I gotta SQUEEZE it! [his class jumps back in shock. pause] Let me put that another way...

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
You know what your problem is, Richie?

Richie Cunningham:
I'd like to know, Fonzie.

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
You're a nice guy.

Richie Cunningham:
And nice guys finish last.

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
Hey, hey, not necessarily, huh? You just gotta work your tail off to get up there in the top three, that's all.

Chris:
Did you have fun?

Penny:
I had a great time. That Fonz is cute. Do you know that old line abiut the submarine races?

Rose:
He used that on you?

Penny:
No, I used it on him. Almost worked too.

Chris:
Hey the guys invited us to stay overnight.

Penny:
Really? That's nice of you.

Potsie Weber:
It's nice of you.

Richie Cunningham:
Do you need anything? Like extra blankets or pajamas?

Rose:
No, I have my overnight bag.

Chris:
And I sleep in the raw.

The Fonz:
[punches Richie very lightly on the chin] You're OK, Cunningham, you're OK.

Howard Cunningham:
[in the final scene, Howard proposes a toast] Well, what can I say? Both of our children are married now and they're starting out to build lives of their own. And I guess when you reach a milestone like this you have to have to reflect back on, on what you've done and, and what you've accomplished. Marion and I have not climbed Mount Everest or written a great American novel. But we've had the joy of raising two wonderful kids, and watching them and their friends grow up into loving adults. And now, we're gonna have the pleasure of watching them pass that love on to their children. And I guess no man or woman could ask for anything more. So thank you all for being, part of our family... To happy days.

Potsie Weber:
I don't care about learning anatomy, all I want is a good grade.

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
Hey, grades are not cool, learning is cool.

Professor Thomas:
Anybody who doesn't know the difference in an artery and a vein should just leave now. [Ralph stands up] Sit down, Malph.

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
[trying on boots with bright red ribbons] Hey, I'll take this.

Potsie Weber, Mr. Rudi:
You'll take these?

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
Yeah, I can use them for my bike reflectors.

Lori Beth:
[filling in forms to visit Richie in Greenland] Why are there three copies?

Army Captain John Slaughter:
One for you, one for the Army, and one we destroy so the Russians won't get hold of it.

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
[Richie is in a coma] Hey uhh, Sir? We gotta have a little chat here. It's about my best friend Richie. He's in really bad shape. I know you know that, but the world's kinda goin' a little wacko, ya know?

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
[breaking up] Ya need people down here like him, and if you don't, I do!

[breaks up even more]

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
I can fix alot of things but um, this one's all yours, so let's make a little deal.

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
[barely speaking] You do this for me, and I'll owe ya one!

[bursts into tears]

Lori Beth:
Help somebody! Help!

Chachi Arcola:
What happened?

Lori Beth:
We crashed!

Chachi Arcola:
What?

Al Delvecchio:
Are you alright?

Lori Beth:
Not me, it's Richie! He's not moving! He's not moving!

Doctor:
Your son is in critical condition. If he comes out of the coma and regains consciousness soon, he should be alright.

Marion Cunningham:
IF?

Howard Cunningham:
No no Marion, he meant WHEN he comes out of the coma, you meant WHEN didn't you, doc?

Doctor:
He had a very bad fall, Mr. Cunningham, we'll just have to wait and see.

Marion Cunningham:
Dear God!

Doctor:
It's a good thing he was wearing his helmet, it could've been a lot worse.

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
[to Richie] Hi Red, I'm right here with you.

[to Howard]

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
How is he?

Howard Cunningham:
Well he's not very good, Fonzie, but there is a chance.

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
Is there anything I can do?

Howard Cunningham:
Nothing. Come on, let's go home.

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
[to Richie] How ya doing, Red? They wouldn't let me stay before, but I'm here now. Chachi says hello, hello... he loves working at that garage you know... you can't do this, a lot of people counting on you, you know, Mother, Father, Joanie, Ralph, Potsie, you can't go yet, you got a whole lifetime ahead of you. I mean you didn't even make the editor of that college paper, there's a lot of crummy journalism around, you gotta make it all straight, they need you. I need ya! You're my best friend, and I've never said that before but I'm saying that now. You're my best friend, and I don't want to lose you.

Marion Cunningham:
Arthur, it's morning, have you been here all night?

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
Yeah I guess I fell asleep, doctor said it was alright though.

Marion Cunningham:
Well, you can go home now.

Howard Cunningham:
Go home, Fonzie, we'll tell Richie you were here.

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
I don't think I'm going to leave here.

Marion Cunningham:
Well Arthur, you just go home now and get some sleep.

Howard Cunningham:
Yeah, Marion's right.

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
Yeah, you're both right, but I ain't going.

Trudy:
Hey Rich, I think the man in the Henry J is hungry; he just threw a menu at me!

Richie Cunningham:
All we had was beer in teeny-weeny little glasses.

Howard Cunningham:
How many teeny-weeny little glasses did you have?

Richie Cunningham:
Seventy-two.

Howard Cunningham:
I think it's time for some teeny-weeny cups of coffee.

Marion Cunningham:
[the family has found out Joanie smokes and Howard is getting ready to lecture her] Tell her that smoking is a disgusting and filthy habit.

Howard Cunningham:
I'll get to that Marion...

Richie Cunningham:
...and it leads to heart disease and lung cancer...

Howard Cunningham:
All right Richard...

Marion Cunningham:
...and tell her that kissing someone who smokes is like kissing an ashtray!

Howard Cunningham:
yes Mar... How do you know?

Marion Cunningham:
That's not true, Howard. My mother started smoking when she was a little girl and she never stopped.

Howard Cunningham:
We're not talking about cigars Marion!

Howard Cunningham:
Chachi, what are you doing here?

Charles 'Chachi' Arcola:
[thinks of something quick] I'm here to take Joanie to school.

[he actually just got out of hiding in Fonzie's apartment]

Howard Cunningham:
It's Saturday.

Charles 'Chachi' Arcola:
I'm early... Or am I late? Did you say it was Saturday?

Richie Cunningham:
[an angry Richie has been drinking heavily at a local bar... Fonzie is trying to take him home] I would REALLY like to be alone right now.

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
No you don't.

Richie Cunningham:
Let's get something straight right now, all right? The days when The Fonz can come riding in and solve all my problems with a few choice words are long gone! So why don't you leave-a-mundo?

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
You're absolutely right. This is not a frosh mixer. I can't fix you up with a date, but you are my friend, we can talk about it and I haven't said 'a-mundo' in an awful long time! [Richie turns away] Fine... you don't wanna say anything, we won't talk. Then we'll go home. You know why? 'Cause there's a lotta people worried about you.

Richie Cunningham:
[angry] I'll leave when I damn well feel like leaving!

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
Good plan... good plan. [gets up] Except something in my soul tells me that you want to leave [yanks chair out from under Richie's feet] right now. So Richie, put the beer down and let's go home, OK? [Richie stands up and punches Fonzie in the face] So we got that out of our systems, right? Come on, Richie. Let's go.

Richie Cunningham:
I said I'll leave when I feel like it! [swings at Fonzie again and misses]

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
[Fonzie restrains him and pins him to a pool table] What, are you crazy? You think I'm gonna let you do that a second time?

Richie Cunningham:
I'm gonna get you for that, Fonz! I'm gonna kick your butt!

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
Right... right.

Richie Cunningham:
[Richie tells his parents and Joanie that he's moving his family to California] Everything you said made a lot of sense... it was good advice. But I talked it over with Lori Beth, and we've decided that we have to give this a chance. [pause] Look, when we get to California, I might have to get an odd job or something. But this is what I really, really want to do. [pause] Now the only regret I have is that I have to say goodbye.

Howard Cunningham:
[standing up, addressing Marion] Give me that famous, pre-signed checkbook of yours, will ya? [Marion hands it to him]

Richie Cunningham:
Dad, Dad... now wait... wait a minute... I really don't want to take any of your money.

Howard Cunningham:
Richard, you remember before when I was telling you about the sacrifices I made for my family? Well, for a little while, I forgot why. But it's because I wanted my children to go as far as their gifts could take them. [hands him a blank check] Now you take this and you fill in whatever amount you think you need.

Marion Cunningham:
[stands up] You know something? I don't know when I've been so proud of both of you. And now you're gonna leave just when I'm getting used to your moustache! It's gonna look very nice... on a screenwriter.

Richie Cunningham:
[gratefully] Thanks, Mom.

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
[enters through kitchen] Hey Richie! I got 'em! Two first-class tickets to Tinseltown!

Richie Cunningham:
First class? Oh, Fonz... I can't afford First Class.

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
Of course you can... I got 'em from Yolanda down at the travel agency. One more date and you're going to Europe! [awkward silence] Well, I guess this is it, huh?

Richie Cunningham:
Yeah. Fonz, listen... um, I'm a writer... or at least I hope so. [pulling envelope from his jacket] Yet sometimes it's a little easier to express myself with words. I wrote this to you this morning. Because I knew when we were face to face like this, that I... well, I might not be able to find the words. How do you thank somebody who's been everything to you? [Fonzie nods] Your brother, your protector. You delivered my own child. I just don't know how I can ever say that.

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli:
[shrugs] I think you just did. [Richie goes to put the letter back in his pocket, but Fonzie takes it from him... he whispers as his voice breaks] I just wanna tell ya... that I love you. Very much. [walks out]