Hercules

Hercules:
Meg, when I'm with you, I-I don't feel so alone.

Meg:
Sometimes it's better to be alone.

Hercules:
What do you mean?

Meg:
Nobody can hurt you.

Panic:
He's not gonna be happy when he gets outta there.

Pain:
You mean, *if* he gets outta there.

Panic:
If? If is good.

Hercules:
You like making deals. Take me in Meg's place.

Hades:
Oh, hmph. The son of my hated rival trapped forever in a river of death.

Hercules:
Going once!

Hades:
Hmm? Is there a downside to this?

Hercules:
Going twice!

Hades:
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay! You get her out. She goes, you stay.

Hades:
Oh, you know what slipped my mind? You'll be dead before you can get to her. That's not a problem, is it?

Hades:
How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat!

Hercules:
Wow. What a day. First that restaurant by the bay. And then that, that play, that, that, that Oedipus thing. Man! I thought *I* had problems.

Meg:
He comes on with his big, innocent farm boy routine, but I could see through that in a Peloponnesian minute.

Meg:
Is Wonderboy here for real?

Phil:
What are you talkin' about? Of course he's real. Whoa! And by the way, sweet cheeks, I'm real too.

Phil:
I trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. A lot of "yeuseus".

Meg:
You know how men are. They think "No" means "Yes" and "Get lost" means "Take me. I'm yours."

Phil:
Hey, I'm *walkin'* here!

Panic:
Hercules. Why does that name ring a bell?

Pain:
I don't know. Um, maybe we owe him money?

Hades:
So you took care of him, huh? Dead as a doornail. Weren't those your *exact* words?

Pain:
This might be a different Hercules.

Panic:
Yeah! I mean, Hercules is a very popular name nowadays!

Pain:
Remember, like, a few years ago, every other boy was named Jason, and the girls were all named Brittany?

Hercules:
I didn't know that playing hookey could be so much fun.

Meg:
Yeah, neither did I.

Hercules:
Aren't you, a damsel in distress?

Meg:
I'm a damsel. I'm in distress. I can handle this. Have a nice day.

Hades:
We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. What do you say? Come on.

Meg:
Thanks for everything, Herc. It's been a real slice.

Meg:
I'm a big tough girl. I tie my own sandals and everything.

Meg:
Megara. My friends call me Meg. At least they would if I had any friends. So did they give you a name along with all those rippling pectorals?

Hercules:
But, Father, I've defeated every single monster I've come up against. I-I'm... I'm the most famous person in all of Greece. I'm... I-I'm an action figure!

Hades:
It's a small underworld, after all, huh?

Hades:
Zeusy, I'm home!

Hercules:
People are... are gonna get hurt, aren't they?

Hades:
Nah! I mean, it's, you know, it's a possibility. It happens 'cause, you know, it's war, but what can I tell ya. Anyway, what do you owe these people, huh?

Hercules:
You know, wh-when I was a kid, I-I would have given anything to be exactly like everybody else.

Meg:
You wanted to be petty and dishonest?

Hercules:
Everybody's not like that.

Meg:
Yes, they are.

Hercules:
You're not like that.

Meg:
How do you know what I'm like?

Hades:
So is this an audience or a mosaic?

Zeus:
So, Hades, you finally made it. How are things in the underworld?

Hades:
Well, they're just fine. You know, a little dark, a little gloomy. And, as always, hey, full of dead people. What are you gonna do?

Hades:
Memo to me, memo to me: maim you after my meeting.

Hades:
I'm sorry. You mind runnin' that by me again? I must have had a chunk of brimstone wedged in my ear or something.

Meg:
Then read my lips! Forget it!

Hades:
Meg, Meg, Meg, my sweet deluded little mignon. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but ever so crucial little, tiny detail? I own you!

Hades:
He's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness. I mean, for what? Pandora, it was the box thing. For the Trojans, hey. They bet on the wrong horse, okay?

Hades:
I can't believe this guy. I throw everything I've got at him, and it doesn't even...

Hades:
What... are... *those*?

Pain:
Um, I don't know. I-I thought they looked kinda dashing.

Hades:
I've got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, and you are wearing his merchandise?!?!

Hades:
Uh, guys? Olympus would be that way.

Hermes:
My lord and lady, the Titans have escaped. And they're practically at our gates!

Zeus:
Sound the alarm! Launch an immediate counterattack! Go! Go!

Hermes:
Gone, babe.

Calliope:
We are the muses, goddesses of the arts and proclaimers of heroes.

Terpsichore:
Heroes like Hercules.

Thalia:
Honey, you mean "Hunk-ules."

Hades:
Ah! There's the little sunspot. Little snootchie. And here is a sucker for the little sucker. Eh? Here you go. You just...

Hades:
Sheesh! Uh, powerful little tyke.

Hermes:
Fabulous party. You know, I haven't seen this much love in a room since Narcissus discovered himself.

Narrator:
Long ago, in the faraway land of ancient Greece, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes. And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes was the mighty Hercules. But what is the measure of a true hero? Ah, that is what our story is...

Thalia:
Will you listen to him? He's makin' the story sound like some Greek tragedy.

Terpsichore:
Lighten up, dude.

Calliope:
We'll take it from here, darling.

Narrator:
You go, girl.

Hera; Hercules' Mother:
Why, Hermes, they're lovely.

Hermes:
Yeah, you know, I had Orpheus do the arrangement. Isn't that too nutty?

Phil:
What's the matter? You never seen a satyr before?

Young Hercules:
Uh, no. Can you help us? We're looking for someone called Philoctetes.

Phil:
Call me Phil.

Phil:
And then there was Achilles. Now there was a guy who had it all, the build, the foot speed. He could jab. He could take a hit. He could keep on comin'. But that furshlugginer heel of his! He barely gets nicked there once and kaboom! He's history.

Hercules:
Uh, uh, uh, I'm, um, uh, uh, uh...

Meg:
Are you always this articulate?

Hercules:
Hercules. My... My name is Hercules.

Meg:
Herc... huh. I think I prefer Wonderboy.

Pain:
Wait a minute. Wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to...

Pain:

Phil:
The one and only Thebes. The Big Olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.

Heavyset Woman:
It was tragic! We lost everything in the fire.

Earthquake Lady:
They were after the earthquake. I remember.

Heavyset Woman:
But before the flood.

Heavyset Woman:
Thebes has certainly gone downhill in a hurry.

Phil:
Watch it, pal.

Phil:
You... I got your heel right here!

Meg:
Hercules! Thank goodness.

Hercules:
Wha-Wha-What's wrong?

Meg:
Oh! Outside of town. Two little boys. Th-They were playing in the gorge. Th-There was this rock slide, a terrible rock slide. They're trapped!

Hercules:
Kids? Trapped? Phil, this is great!

Meg:
You're really choked up about this, aren't ya?

Meg:
I'll be fine. Just get me down before I ruin the upholstery.

Meg:
I've done my part. Get your little imps...

Hades:
They couldn't handle him as a baby. I need aomebody who can handle him as a man.

Meg:
Hey, I've sworn off manhandling.

Hades:
Well, you know, that's good because that's what got you into this jam in the first place, isn't it? You sold your soul to me to save your boyfriend's life. And how does this creep thank you? By running off with some babe. He hurt you real bad, didn't he, Meg? Huh?

Meg:
Look, I learned my lesson, okay?

Hades:
Which is exactly why I got a feelin' you're gonna leap at my new offer. You give me the key to bringing down Wonder Breath, and I give you the thing that you crave most in the entire cosmos: your freedom.

Phil:
Keep your toga on, pal.

Meg:
Let's see. What could be behind curtain number one?

Meg:
It's all right. The sea of raging hormones has ebbed.

Pain:

Hades:
Whoa! Is my hair out?

Zeus:
Hey, hey, hey. Hold on, kiddo! What's your hurry? After all these years, is that the kind of hello you give your father?

Young Hercules:
F-F-Father?

Zeus:
Didn't know you had a famous father, did you? Surprise!

Meg:
Bye-bye, Wonderboy...

Hades:
What d'ya say? It's happy ending time! Everybody's got a little taste of somethin' but me. I got nothin'. I'm - I'm here with nothin'. Anybody listenin'? It's like I'm - What am I, an echo or something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me. Nobody listens.

Calliope:
From that day forward, our boy Hercules could do no wrong. He was so hot, steam looked cool.

Phil:
Rein it in, rookie. You can get away with mistakes like those in the minor decathalons, but this is the big leagues!

Hercules:
I need your help. I want to become a hero, a true hero.

Phil:
Sorry, kid. Can't help ya.

Hercules:
Wait.

Hercules:
Uh, sorry. Why not?

Phil:
Two words: I am retired.

Hades:
Meg, my little flower, my little bird, my little *nut*-Meg. What exactly happened here? I thought you were gonna persuade the river guardian to join my team for the uprising and here I am sort of... river-guardian-less.

Meg:
Look, I gave it my best shot, but he made me an offer I had to refuse.

The Fates:
In 18 years precisely / The planets will align ever so nicely.

Hades:
Ay, verse. Oy.

The Fates:
The time to act will be at hand / Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band.

Hades:
Mmm-hmm. Good, good.

The Fates:
Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall / And you, Hades, will rule all!

Hades:
[excitedly] Yes! Hades rules!

The Fates:
A word of caution to this tale...

Hades:
[stops short] Excuse me?

The Fates:
Should Hercules fight, you will fail.

[The Fates laugh, then disappear]

Hades:
[his head goes fiery red with rage] WHAT?! [calmly] Okay, fine, fine, I'm cool, I'm fine.

Panic:
Hades is gonna kill us when he finds out what happened.

Pain:
You mean, if he finds out!

Panic:
Of course he's gonna-- If... if is good.

Hades:
Ladies. Hah! I'm so sorry that I'm--

Fates:
(all at once) Late!

Fate 1 (Lachesis):
We knew you would be.

Fate 2 (Clotho):
We know everything!

Fate 1:
Past.

Fate 2:
Present!

Fate 3 (Atropos):
And future. [elbows Panic] [whispering] Indoor plumbing. It's gonna be big.

Hera:
Hercules, oh...! [starts sobbing]

Zeus:
(roaring) NO! [voice echoes]

(Thunder starts raging in Mount Olympus)

[Hercules goes to stop Nessus the centaur from manhandling Meg]

Nessus:
[looms over him] Step aside, two-legs.

Hercules:
[awkwardly] Pardon me, my good, uh... sir, but I demand you release that young...

Meg:
Keep moving, junior.

Hercules:
...lady. But... aren't you... a damsel in distress?

Meg:
[struggling in Nessus' grip] I'm a damsel... Ugh! I'm in distress. I can handle this. Have a nice day.

Meg:
Look, it wasn't my fault, it was this wonder-boy Hercules!

[Hades freezes in shock; Pain and Panic look nervous]

Panic:
Hercules... oh... why does that name ring a bell?

Pain:
I dunno... maybe we owe him money?

Hades:
What... was that name... again?

Meg:
Hercules.

Hades:
[turns red with fury, then turns away, still red hot] OH!!!

Meg:
[continuing seemingly without noticing Hades] He comes on with this big 'innocent farmboy' routine, but I could see through that in a Peloponnesian minute.

Pain:
Wait a minute. Wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to--?

(They both spot Hades reaching for them)

Both:
OH, MY GODS!

Pain:
Run for it!

Hades:
(grabs them) So you took care of him, huh?! Dead as a doornail. Weren't those your exact words?!

Pain:
This might be a different Hercules!

Panic:
Yeah, I mean Hercules is a... [Hades chokes him] very popular name nowadays!

Pain:
"Remember like a few years ago - every other boy was named Jason and the girls were all named Britney?!"

Hades:
I'm about to re-arrange the cosmos... and the one schlemiel... who can louse it up... is waltzing around... IN THE WOODS! [literally explodes with rage]'

Hades:
I can't believe this guy. I throw everything I've got at him and it doesn't even-- [notices Pain wearing Air-Herc sandals] What are those?

Pain:
Um, I don't know. I thought they looked kinda dashing.

Hades:
I got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, [up in flames] ...and you... are wearing... HIS MERCHANDISE!?!?!

[suddenly the sound of slurping can be heard and Hades turns to Panic who is drinking a Hercules drink, Panic then notices that Hades is angry]

Panic:
[chuckles nervously] Thirsty?

[Hades, entirely up in flames, screams; a big explosion far away and the whole stadium rumbles]

[Phil just explained to Hercules that Meg is a traitor]

Phil:
She's a fraud! She's been playing you for a sap!

Hercules:
"Come on, Phil. Stop kidding around."

Phil:
"I'm NOT kidding around!

Hercules:
I know you're upset about today, but that's no reason to--"

Phil:
Kid, you're missing the point!

Hercules:
"Point is: I LOVE her."

Phil:
"She don't love YOU!"

Hercules:
"You're crazy!"

Phil:
"She's nothing but a two-timin'--"

Hercules:
STOP IT!

Phil:
--no good, LYIN, SCHEMING--

Hercules:
[hits Phil] SHUT UP!!!

[Phil crashes into a pile of weights and chains potentially on the ground; Then he looks at him, on the verge of tears, then he gets up; Hercules is shocked of what he has done]

Hercules:
Phil, I... I didn't mean... Oh, I'm- I'm sorry.

Phil:
Okay. Okay. That's it. Won't face the truth? Fine.

Hercules:
"Phil, wait. Where are you going?"

Phil:
"I'm hopping the first barge outta here. I'm going home.

Hercules:
"FINE! G-GO! I don't- I don't need you." [Starts lifting a heavy weight]

Phil:
[stops and looks back] I thought you were going to be the all-time champ. [Hercules stops lifting] Not the all-time chump. [He leaves, and Hercules looks back at Phil with guilt]

[Hades approaches the very spot where the Titans are imprisoned]

Hades:
Brothers! Titans! Look at you in your squalid prison! Who put you down there?!

Titans:
ZEUS!!

Hades:
[releases them] And now that I set you free, what is the first thing you are going to do?!

Titans:
[punch through the ground] DESTROY HIM!

Hades:
Good answer.

[the Titans think they are on their way to Olympus]

Hades:
Uh, guys? [the titans face Hades; points at Olympus] Olympus would be that way.

[the titans head off to Olympus]

Hades:
Zeusy, I'm home!!

Zeus:
Hades, you are behind THIS?!

Hades:
You are correct, sir!

Hercules:
A true hero. Great! Uh, exactly how do you become a true hero?

Megara:
It's been a real slice.

Megara:
[rushing into Thebes, crying out] Please. Help! Please! There's been a terrible accident.

Megara:
[Hercules walks to the Cyclops] What are you doing?! Without your strength you'll be killed!

Megara:
[as she lies down dying] Hades' deal is broken. [groans] He promised I wouldn't get hurt. [moans] People always do crazy things... [moans again] when they're in love.

Megara:
You're really choked up about this, aren't you?

Megara:
Then read my lips! Forget it.

Hades:
Meg, Meg Meg! My sweet, deluded little minion. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but-ever-so-crucial, little, tiny detail? I own you!

Philoctetes:
I trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. A lot of "yusses". And every single one of those bums let me down flatter than a discus. None of them could go the distance. (Looking at a statue of a soldier in armour) And then there was Achilles. Now there was a guy who had it all; the build, the foot-speed. He could jab! He could take a hit! He could keep on comin'! [pause] BUT THAT FORSLUGGINER HEEL OF HIS! He barely gets nicked there once (flicks the statue´s heel; it shatters into tiny fragments) and kaboom! He's history. Yeah, I had a dream once. I dreamed I would train the greatest hero there ever was. So great the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars for everyone to see. And everyone would say, "That's Phil's boy." That's right... Ah, but dreams are for rookies. A guy can only take so much disappointment.

Philoctetes:
[As Hercules fights the Hydra, whose heads multiply as they are cut off] WILL YOU FORGET THE HEAD-SLICING THING?!?!

Philoctetes:
No No No No No kid, giving up is for rookies. I came back because I'm not quitting on ya. I'm willing to go the distance. How about you?

Philoctetes:
[about Meg] She's a fraud!

Hermes:
"Uh, Hephaestus has been captured, my lord. Everyone's been captured. (Pain and Panic grab him) Ah! I've been captured! Hey, watch the glasses."

HEY SLOW DOWN YOU'LL WORK YOURSELF TO DEATH

[Hades arrives home in Underworld]

Hades:
PAIN!

Pain:
[running down stairs] Coming, your most lugubriousness! [trips and bounces down the stairs, hits on spike claw, screams]

Hades:
PANIC!

Panic:
[runs down stairs panicked] Oh! I'm sorry. I can handle it!

[Pain pulls himself off the spike claw, Panic trip flies into the air and lands his ears on Pain, causing him to scream in pain. Hades rolls his eyes]

Pain:
Pain! Oh.

Panic:
And Panic! Gah!

Pain and Panic:
Reporting for duty!

Hades:
Fine, fine, fine. Just let me know the instant the Fates arrive.

[Pain pulls Panic off him]

Panic:
Oh. They're here.

Pain:
Mmm-hmm.

Hades:
[goes up in flames] WHAT?! The fates are here, and you didn't TELL ME?!?!?!

Pain and Panic:
[both yell and turn into worms] We are worms! Worthless worms! [both start sobbing]

Hades:
[calms down, walks away] Memo to me, memo to me. Maim you after my meeting.

[As Pain and Panic kidnap Hercules, Zeus and Hera are woken up by the commotion.]

Zeus:
Huh?

Hera:
What? What is it?

Zeus & Hera:
[both realize something's wrong] The baby!

[They run to the cradle and find out that Hercules was kidnapped.]

Hera:
[shocked] Hercules, oh...! [starts sobbing]

Zeus:
[outraged; roaring] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [voice echoes]

[Thunder starts raging in Mount Olympus]

Zeus:
Hey, you wanted answers, and by thunder, you're old enough to know the truth!

Hercules:
But why did you leave me on earth? Didn't you want me?

Zeus:
Of course we did. Your mother and I loved you with all our hearts. But someone stole you from us and turned you mortal, and only gods can live on Mount Olympus.

Hercules:
And you can't do a thing?

Zeus:
I can't, Hercules, but you can!

Hercules:
R-really? W-what? I-I'll do anything.

Zeus:
Hercules, if you can prove yourself a true hero on Earth, your godhood will be restored!

[As the Thebans are walking away from Hercules]

Phil:
[frustrated] Don't you pea brains get it?! This kid is the genuine article!

Burnt Man:
Hey, isn't that goat man who trained Achilles?

Phil:
[his face turns red; angry] Watch it, pal.

Tall Thebian:
Yeah, you're right. Hey, uh, nice job on those heels! Ya missed a spot!

Phil:
You...I got your heel RIGHT HERE! [tackles Tall Thebian and starts punching him] I'll wipe that STUPID GRIN OFF YOUR FACE! YOU LARBUTT! [bites Tall Thebian's butt]

Hercules:
[runs to pull Phil away] Hey, Phil! Phil! Phil! Take it easy, Phil! [Phil rips a small cloth in his mouth] Phil.

Tall Thebian:
What are you crazy?! Sheesh.

Lumpy Woman:
Young man, we need a professional hero. Not an amateur.

[Phil spits out a ripped cloth, the Thebans walk away]

Hercules:
No, wait! Stop! [sighs and sits down] How am I supposed to prove myself a hero if nobody will give me a chance?

Phil:
You'll get your chance; you just need some kind of catastrophe or disaster.

Meg:
[suddenly enters from the crowd with a urgent warning] Please! Help! Please! There's been a terrible accident!

Hercules:
Meg?

Phil:
Speaking of disasters.

Meg:
Wonderboy! Hercules! Thank goodness!

Hercules:
Wha-What's wrong?

Meg:
Outside of town, two little boys, they were playing in the gorge. There was that rock slide, a terrible rock slide. They're trapped!

Hercules:
Kids? Trapped? [to Phil] Phil, this is great!

Meg:
You are really choked up about this, aren't ya?

Hercules:
[drags Meg onto Pegasus] Come on!

Meg:
No, I...You don't under...I have this terrible fear of [Pegasus takes off in the air] HEEEEEEEIIIIGHTS!

Phil:
[gets tired from running] I'm right behind ya, kid! Whoo! I'm way behind ya, kid. [starts to run tiredly] I got a fur wedgie.

Hercules:
You should have been there, father! I mangled the minotaur, grappled with the Gorgon, Just like Phil told me, I analyzed the situation, controlled my strength and kicked! The crowds went wild! Thank you, thank you.

Zeus:
Hah! You're doin' great, son. You're doin' your old man proud!

Hercules:
I am glad to hear you say that, father. I've been waiting for this day a long time.

Zeus:
Hmm.. What day is that, son?

Hercules:
The day I rejoin the gods.

Zeus:
You've done wonderfully, you really have, my boy. You're just not there yet. You haven't proved yourself a true hero.

Hercules:
But father, I've beaten every single monster I've come up against. I'm-I'm the most famous person in all of Greece. I'm-- I'm an action figure!

Zeus:
I'm afraid being famous is not the same as being a true hero.

Hercules:
What more can I do?

Zeus:
It's something you have to discover for yourself.

Hercules:
But how can I--

Zeus:
Look inside your heart...

Hera:
Hercules, we're so proud of you.

Hercules:
Mother.

Zeus:
Hah! Fine work, my boy! You've done it! You're a true hero.

Hera:
You were willing to give your life to rescue this young woman.

Zeus:
For a true hero isn't measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart. Now, at last, my son, you can come home.

Meg:
[seeking a pillar falling, gasps in shock] Hercules, look out! [runs to push him out of the way; the pillar crushes her]

Hades:
Love to, babe. But unlike you gods lounging about up here, I, regrettably, have a full-time gig that you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, Zeus.

Hades:
I’m about to rearrange the cosmos...and the one schlemiel who can louse it up..is waltzing around IN THE WOODS!

Hades:
Let’s get ready to RUMBLE!

Hades:
[as Hydra about to kill Hercules] My favorite part of the game... Sudden death.

Hades:
Game. Set. Match.

Hades:
Ba-boom! Name's Hades, Lord of the Dead. Hi, how ya doin'?

Hades:
[sees the Titans leaving Olympus] Guys, get your titanic rears in gear and KICK SOME OLYMPIAN BUTT!! [Pegasus blows out his flaming hair] Whoa, is my hair out?

Hades:
[after Hercules defeated the titans] Thanks a ton, Wonderboy! But at least I've got one swell consolation prize, a friend of yours who's dying to see me.

Hades:
[sees upon Hercules with his body glowing, holding Meg's soul] This... This is impossible! You can't be alive! You'd have to be a... (Pain and Panic: A god?)

Phil:
[after being called a goat-man; face turns red in anger] Watch it, pal.

Phil:
You...I got your heel RIGHT HERE! [tackles Tall Thebian with his head, throws punches] I'll wipe that stupid grin off your face! You- [bites Tall Thebian's butt]

Phil:
[after Hercules defeats the Hydra] YA DID IT, KID! YA DID IT, YOU WON BY A LANDSLIDE!

Phil:
[about Meg] SHE'S A FRAUD!!! She's been playing you for a sap!

Zeus:
Hey, you wanted answers, and by thunder, you're old enough to know the truth!

Zeus:
Hercules, if you can prove yourself a true hero on Earth, your godhood will be restored!

Zeus:
I'm afraid being famous is not the same as being a true hero.

Zeus:
SOUND THE ALARM! LAUNCH AN IMMEDIATE COUNTERATTACK! GO! GO!

Zeus:
For a true hero isn't measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart. Now, at last, my son, you can come home.