Hogan's Heroes

Schultz:
Me send for you? I never send for anybody, not even if I need them.

Schultz:
Col. Hogan if you ever escape...

Hogan:
Yeah?

Schultz:
Be a good fellow and take me with you.

Hogan:
You see, sir, today is one of our national holidays - repeal of prohibition.

[repeated line]

Schultz:
I see NOTHING! I know NOTHING!

[a German truck flies by]

Hogan:
There's never a cop when you need one

[Hogan impersonating Gestapo and holds up a General at gunpoint]

General:
What is this, you are not Gestapo?

Hogan:
Lucky for you, we're going to get you out of this country.

General:
But I don't want to leave the country.

Hogan:
After your supply factory is blown up and the Gestapo blame you and you still want to stay?

General:
I'm coming with you.

[while safecracking, the phone rings in Klink's office and Carter answers]

Carter:
Hello? Oh, hi... I didn't mean to hang up on you before but you really do have the wrong number. This is a prisoner of war camp. Who am I? I'm a prisoner.

Hogan:
Carter.

[Hogan pretends to have passed out from drinking]

Colonel Klink:
[to Burkhalter]... Disgraceful. Can't hold their liquor. Can't finish wars they start.

Colonel Klink:
[runs to the window and shouts outside] Schultz! Close the gates! The War is back on!

[Newkirk and Carter are found near the camp fence]

Colonel Klink:
Schultz, into the cooler they go. Throw away the key.

Carter:
Don't we get a trial or anything?

Colonel Klink:
This is Germany. Although I do appreciate your sense of humor.

[repeated line, indicating Colonel Hogan]

Major Hochstetter:
WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?

[in an argument with a captain about safehousing a truck and cargo]

Colonel Klink:
I'm afraid I cannot accommodate you, Captain. Please take your truck and its cargo some other place.

Captain:
I have orders.

[Hands over papers with orders to Klink]

Colonel Klink:
The only orders that I am interested in are my own orders.

[Klink in a casual tone starts reading to himself the captain's orders paper]

Colonel Klink:
"All ranks are ordered to extend complete cooperation, assist without question. Ahmmm. Failure... punishment execution by firing squad. Signed General Jodl for the F?hrer." [energetically and enthusiastically gets up off his chair and shakes the captain's hand]

Colonel Klink:
Glad to have you with us, Captain.

[repeated line]

Colonel Klink:
Dis-missed!

Colonel Klink:
[trying to demoralize Hogan after air-raid]... No damage was done and your bombers suffered severe losses at the hands of our illustrious Luftwaffe.

Schultz:
[walking in to the office introducing a Captain] Herr Kommandant, this is Captain M?ller. He barely escaped the terrible raid!

Colonel Klink:
That raid was a complete failure!

Schultz:
No, Herr Kommandant! They knocked the stuffing out of the Messerschmitt factory and got away from the Luftwaffe!

Hogan:
Illustrious Luftwaffe.

Schultz:
Illustrious Luft...

Colonel Klink:
Shultz!

[a German guard is fending off POW Newkirk from a restricted area]

Guard:
Nein!

Newkirk:
Oh no, must be half past ten by now.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[annoyed] Colonel Hogan, I'm very busy this morning - dispatches from Berlin. What is it?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
I want to register a complaint on behalf of my men.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[sarcastically] Really? A complaint. Not sufficient entertainment, perhaps.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
No, you're funny enough.

[repeated line]

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[on telephone] What was that?

[pause]

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[muttering] Oh yes, heil Hitler.

Schultz:
[Klink is in prison awaiting a possible execution] I have some good news and bad news.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
This time tell me the good news first.

Schultz:
You are going to be executed in the morning.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Then what's the bad news?

Schultz:
They aren't giving you a blindfold.

Colonel Klink:
When I looked out the window I thought I saw a chimpanzee raking in the garden.

Hogan:
Well if it makes you feel any better, sir, there IS a chimpanzee raking in the garden.

Colonel Klink:
WHAT?

Hogan:
[the phone rings while Hogan's men are cracking a safe] Answer the phone, tell him it's the wrong number.

Carter:
[answers the phone in a mock-German accent] I'm sorry, you've got the wrong number. [pause] So what if you haven't told me who you're calling yet? No matter who you're calling it's still the wrong number because I don't even have a phone!

Radio Host:
[Hogan pretends to be a Nazi sympathizer to get on German radio and discredit a propagandist] You read Mein Kampf, I believe.

Hogan:
Oh, yeah. You know that guy, Hitler, who wrote it? A lot of people say that just because he wears that silly mustache the book's a big joke...

Colonel Klink:
Those prisoners will be released over my dead body!

Hogan:
It's a deal!

Hogan:
[Hogan and Newkirk pose as German officers in a Nazi building] Take this man's name down, have him transferred to the Russian front!

Newkirk:
Jawohl, Herr General! Heil Hitler!

Germans:
[frantically] Heil Hitler!

Officer:
[approaches Hogan] Might I assist you?

Hogan:
[pointing at officer] This man is to be court martialed and *shot!*

Officer:
But Herr General, I've not even greeted you yet!

Hogan:
That's why! You're too slow!

[Klink brags that he is in tip-top physical shape]

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Physical fitness is one thing. Mental fitness, that's another.

Colonel Klink:
[repeated line]

Colonel Klink:
No prisoner escapes from Stalag 13!

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
What are you waiting for? Cut the wire.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
That's the problem. One of these wires disconnects the fuse, the other one fires the bomb. Which one would you cut, Shultz?

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
Don't ask me, this is a decision for an officer.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
All right. Which wire, Colonel Klink?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
This one. [points to the white wire]

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
You're sure?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Yes.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
[Cuts the black wire, the bomb stops ticking]

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
If you knew which wire it was, why did you ask me?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
I wasn't sure which was the right one, but I was certain you'd pick the wrong one.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Oh, how is dear wife the charming and delightful Fran General?

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
In the first place my wife is neither delightful or charming. In the second place this isn't a social visit, its official.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[reading a list of invited people to the meeting] It doesn't have the name "Colonel Klink" in there. Probably an oversight at headquarters.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
I consider it the perfect oversight.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
I am a man of many sides. You didn't know behind that stern soldier, there is a a world traveler, a dreamer a lover! [Kisses Helga's hand]

Helga:
You are a dreamer.

Verlaine:
They stole it from the museum?

Cpl. Louis LeBeau:
Filthy assassins.

Verlaine:
Ah, animals.

Suzette:
Dogs!

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
You forgot pigs... By the way who are we talking about?

Cpl. Louis LeBeau:
Germans!

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
I got into the wrong conversation.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
[Shultz, impersonating a Wermacht General, has run off a pair of Gestapo men attempting to search the flat of LeBeau's artist friend who will forge the replacement of the painting. While being heartily congratulated by the painter, painter's daughter, LeBeau & Hogan Hogan asks] How'd you do that?

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
Easy. Lucky for you, I was *loaded*. [Schultz had been drinking wine all afternoon]

Dr. Hermann Felzer:
[Klink has been chosen to lead a top secret assignment] You have been chosen for an assignment that involves the highest security project in the Third Reich.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Are you sure you have the right man, Doctor?

Dr. Hermann Felzer:
You asked me that in Berlin, Herr General.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
I know, and it still mystifies me.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
You're a good-looking girl. You'd make somebody a good wife.

Gertrude Linkmeyer:
I would like to get married again if the right man came along.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Even if the wrong man comes along, you'd better grab him. Beggars can't be choosers, you know.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
[Schultz tells about his evening] Don't just stand there, Schultz. Come on, tell us about it.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
Well, she let me kiss her - affectionately, you know?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
You, uh, put your arms around her?

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
What do you think? I sent her the kiss by mail?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
And I suppose, uh, she put her arms around you?

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
You said it, big boy.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
All the way around? She must be an orangutan.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
But why should that responsibility fall upon me?

General der Infantrie Albert Burkhalter:
What would you rather have fall upon you, responsibility, or snowflakes?

Colonel Crittendon:
No need to worry, I have a photographic memory. My mind is like a camera.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
Yeah, but how are you fixed for film?

[Hogan's typical obfuscation has just saved Klink's reputation before a Gestapo investigator - who has exited]

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[surprised and aghast] Hogan, you are the biggest liar I have ever met in my whole life!

[Klink exits]

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
Colonel Hogan, he said a terrible thing to you!

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
I know.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
He called you a liar!

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
[dismissive] He really knows how to hurt a guy.

[both smile and then light up cigars]

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
I've got a present for you from Carter. He's made you an honorary Chief of the Sioux tribe. [He gives Schultz a feather headdress]

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
[Very excitedly] It's Bee-yoo-ti-ful! [He puts it on and looks in a mirror]

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
He's also given you a new name, Schultz. You are now Big Chief Running Bear Who Goes Swift And Sure To Beer Garden. [Klink enters the room]

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[Outraged] Or, you could be Big Fat Schultz Who Goes Swift And Sure To The Russian Front!

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Now, Klink, last night, not too far from here, a convoy was blown up, almost totally destroyed. These lines are drawn from the points where the sabotage has taken place. Now, Klink, where do these lines cross?

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
Stalag 13.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
How do you explain this, Klink?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Well, we are centrally located.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Ah, Major Hochstetter, always a pleasure to see your smiling face. Uh, did you come on military business, or is this a social call?

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
What is it at your camp, Klink? Everybody thinks I'm a social butterfly.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Are you aware that, last Monday night, an American plane dropped a bomb on Gestapo headquarters? Demolished the building, wiped out the garrison, killed Kommandant Hedrick, knocked the Fuhrer's picture off the wall and everything.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
No, sir. I was playing pinochle with Captain Broomschmeel.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
It was a great personal loss to me.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
It was a great personal loss to me. He took me for 50 marks.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[Burkhalter arrives by car] Ah, General Burkhalter its been such a long time.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Not long enough, Klink.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
I'm really not in need of another officer.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Klink, this transfer is an order from the highest authority in the Third Reich.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
The highest authority? The Fuhrer?

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Higher than that, my wife.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Perfect! It's going like clockwork.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
We must have a car waiting to take Baumann to the airfield.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Oh, I'll arrange that. You can depend on me, Major.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
I will arrange it. I'd rather depend on me.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Well, now that you mention it, so would I.

Colonel Klink:
If the prisoners ask any questions about these explosions, you know nothing; you are ignorant.

Schultz:
Oh, I can handle that.

Colonel Klink:
I know.

Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe:
Look, I know that arrow was pointed in the right direction! I took a bearing from the roof of Klink's office.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
It doesn't matter, Kinch. The Adolf Hitler Bridge is still in business.

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
Yeah, and Klink's happy - nasty happy.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Let's make him unhappy - nasty unhappy. Let's knock out that bridge.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
What kind of explosives have we got, Carter?

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
Three firecrackers and a can of lighter fluid.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Firecrackers?

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
Well, sure. You remember - we told Klink LeBeau was part Chinese and we had to have firecrackers to celebrate Chinese New Years.

Cpl. Louis LeBeau:
And I cooked that whole pot of chow mein... with sauerkraut.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Please - not while I'm plotting.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Kinch, you go with Carter and help him set up his bomb factory in Tunnel Number 3.

Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe:
Right, Colonel.

Cpl. Louis LeBeau:
What about me, Colonel? What do I do?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
LeBeau, my boy, I'm holding you in reserve.

Cpl. Louis LeBeau:
What?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
If Carter's bombs don't do it, we may have to poison that bridge.

[a huge explosion rocks the tunnel]

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Carter? Carter? Are you OK?

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
Oh, yeah. Boy, that stuff is really unstable! You've got to get that mixture just right. You gotta expect a few little explosions.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Oh sure, sure.

Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe:
You keep that up and Klink'll be down here in a minute and there goes the ball game!

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
I think I have an idea on how to explain the noise. Carter, keep working... oh, you do have insurance?

[Carter's attempts to manufacture explosives destroys one of the tunnels]

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
We still gotta figure a way to make more ammunition.

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
Well, I'm still willing to try, Colonel.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Whose side are you on?

[reading graffiti]

Schultz:
Hess is a mess. Himmler is a rat fink. Goering is a fat rat fink. Klink is bucking for rat fink.

Colonel Klink:
If those orders are not carried out, both you and the courier will be court-martialed, shot and sent to the Russian front!

[last lines]

[Hogan's men react angrily when he volunteers to help rebuild the Adolf Hitler Bridge in exchange for Klink's promise to reopen the recreation hall]

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Shhh. Alright, alright. We're going to rebuild the bridge with a very special feature.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
What you mean by that, Colonel?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
It's going to be the only bridge in the world with a built-in bomb.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Newkirk, can you pick a lock?

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
I find that question, sir, 'ighly insulting.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[boys are polishing Klink's car] These boys polish the car every time I come to see you.

Gerda:
Hero worship.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Did you hear that, Schultz? The boys think I'm a hero.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
The joke is on them, Herr Kommandant.

[during a fake air raid]

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
Don't keep calm - everybody panic!

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[Klink thinks Burkhalter is there to make him marry his sister Gertrude] Well, you see, sir, this is very difficult for me to say, but, uh, I feel in my heart that I am not worthy of Gertrude.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
I feel the same way.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Then why do you want me to marry her?

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Are you crazy, Klink? It's my niece, Frieda, and she's marrying Count Von Hertzel.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Count Von Hertzel?

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Do you think I would ever let a Burkhalter marry a Klink?

[Hogan has ordered Newkirk to fake a toothache]

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[looks in Newkirk's mouth] Aha! Mouth stuffed with cotton wool!

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
[indignantly] That's to keep the tooth warm!

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Now, Klink, I'm going to try and be calm about this. I want you to tell me in your own words exactly how did the radio detector truck get put out of action?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Major Hochstetter, you won't believe this.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
TRY ME!

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
It was a million-to-one shot that the candles would have hit the truck.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
What candles?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
The candles from the birthday cake.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Birthday cake? In the middle of World War II you give yourself a birthday party?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Oh, no. It wasn't for me.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
The party was for me, sir.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
You give a birthday party for a prisoner?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Oh, no, no. My men gave it to me. I'm sorry you missed it, major, it was a great party. I saved you some cake.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Oh, thank you, Hogan. Thank you.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Klink. You are succeeding in doing, by yourself, what millions of enemy soldiers are unable to do: Bring the Third Reich to its knees. [walks towards door, gives his classical] BAH! [slams door shut]

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Party pooper.

Major Byron Buckles:
If I'm going to die, at least let it be in a close-up.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Colonel Klink, you're an evil man.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Yes, I am. And it makes me feel good all over.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
Steal a German tank?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
We'll give it back... after we take it apart and make blueprints of it.

Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe:
Well, how do we get ahold of it?

Cpl. Louis LeBeau:
How do we get it in here?

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
Where are we going to hide a tank?

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
Where do we take it apart?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Look, I got the idea of stealing it, right? The rest is detail.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
[Leaving barracks, after finding out Hogan's plans regarding the tank] I know nothing! I was not here! I did not even get up this morning!

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
[Hogan is kissing Tiger goodbye out on the compound]

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
[Tries to cover up Hogan and Tiger] Col. Hogan! Col. Hogan! Kissing prisoners is verboten!

[Myra and Newkirk are being held in a German prison]

Myra:
I'm just so scared.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
Of me or them?

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
Achtung! [no response] Achtung!

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
What did you say, Schultz?

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
I said 'Achtung!'

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
Oh. Your bid, Kinch.

Kinch:
Two of clubs.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
When I say 'Achtung' that means that you all are to SNAP to attention.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
Oh, is that what it means? Huh! I always thought it meant 'Good morning' or 'Greetings, Mate.' Something like that.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
No, no. 'Achtung' is a command. When I say 'Achtung' I want you all to come to attention at once.

Cpl. Louis LeBeau:
I wasn't sure what that one meant myself. It always sounded like Schultz was just clearing his throat. So that's a command for attention, huh?

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
That's right! Now that you all know it...

[Schultz leaves and then re-enters the room]

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
Achtung!

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
And a 'Good morning' to you, too, Schultz.

Kinch:
Didn't you hear what Schultz said?

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
Sure. He said 'Achtung' so I said 'Good morning' right back to him.

Kinch:
Achtung doesn't mean 'Good morning.'

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
Well, that's what Newkirk says it means. And who are we gonna believe? One of us or one of them?

Kinch:
He's got a point there.

Cpl. Louis LeBeau:
Yes he does! You'd better brush up on your German, Schultz.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
Yeah, don't use words you're not sure of. In future, to avoid confusion, why don't you just say 'Good Morning' in English?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Hi Schultz! Just let us all know when it's time for Roll Call, will you?

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
Jawohl, Colonel Hogan... But it IS time for Roll Call. That's why I came here in the first place! It's almost PAST time for Roll Call!

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Well, you'd never make sergeant in OUR Air Force.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
Roll Call! Everybody out, out, out, out, out, out, out! Roll Call! Raus!

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
Hey Thank you! And a 'Good day' to you, too, Schultz.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[addressing the prisoners] And while I'm on leave Col. Kureger will be in charge of Stalag 13. Now let me leave you with this warning, 'While the cats away the mice better not play'.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[on holiday at the ski lodge] Well, I'm here to forget all about the war for awhile. I'm sick and tired of fighting and bloodshed. For the next two weeks it's death takes a holiday.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
General Burkhalter, What an unexpected pleasure to see you again sir.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Unexpected, Yes. Pleasure, No.

Colonel Klink:
Of course, you want me to handle it with my usual Klink efficiency, General.

General der Infantrie Albert Burkhalter:
No, this time I want it done right.

Colonel Klink:
[to Burkhalter, over the radio, about the party] I'm only sorry there is no ice cream. We had pistachio, but one of the guards shot it with a machine gun.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
[trying to persuade Col. Klink to call General Burkhalter] Why don't you give him a call, sir it means so much to him.

Colonel Klink:
I will thank him the next time I see him, huh? How about "Lili Marlene"! [everyone except Hogan continues to shout and sing]

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Call the general... Call the general, sir. Nothing says you like your voice. Please!

Colonel Klink:
Why do you keep looking at the time, Hogan?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
The call sir, it's after 7:00 you get the night rate. Please.

Colonel Klink:
In case I'm, uh, recommended for promotion - not that I'm asking you, sir - I'm sure that the board will take my extremely marvelous physical fitness into consideration.

General der Infantrie Albert Burkhalter:
Physical fitness is one thing. Mental fitness - that's another.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
A-ha, those Staff Officers they are so clever.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Klink!, I am a Staff Officer.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
I did not mean you sir , you're not clever.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[Hochstetter is placing TNT in Klink's cells/cooler] But you're using the cooler to store it.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
You have no prisoners in there. You run such a perfect camp, Klink, you have no need for a cooler.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
You cannot use it, and that's final.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
You have one simple alternative, Commandant. You can transfer to a frontline combat unit.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
My cooler is your cooler.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Hogan? Since when is he running this prison camp?

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
Let me see. It was three years ago, in November I think.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
It is about his defense counsel. Colonel Hauptmann is a very lucky man.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Who's defending him?

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Colonel Wilhelm Klink.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Klink?

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
Klink?

Cpl. Louis LeBeau:
Klink?

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
You don't mean our Klink. I mean, the Klink here - you don't mean him.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Ja, Kommandant Klink, a man who could have been great, except he wasn't very good.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
I intend to nail the prosecutor's fat hide to the wall.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Fat? What makes you think he's fat?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Well, that's the way I picture him. What does he look like?

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
A lot like me.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Well, then he is fat. - - -Not that you're fat I mean, not nearly as fat as he is.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
As who is?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
The fat prosecutor, whoever that is.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
That is me.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
You are the prosecutor?

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
The fat prosecutor.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Oh, oh, Herr General, you're much thinner than I thought you'd be.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
The gestapo never arrests the wrong man. It is against the rules.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
[walks in] KLINK!

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Oh, General Burkhalter, what a pleasant surprise.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Surprise, yes. Pleasant, no.

Hogan:
[about famous artists] It wasn't until after they were *dead* that they were famous.

Colonel Klink:
But that would mean I would have to be dead first!

Hogan:
*Uh-Huh!*

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Oh, this is so degrading. Having to relay orders of a man like that. Honestly, I could cry.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
I wouldn't do that, sir. What good is a rusty monocle?

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
Don't you know no one is allowed outside after roll call?

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
I was just going into town for some beer. I'd have been back by, say, June - July at the latest.

[spying on the equipment guarded closely by German soldiers]

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Ahhh. That *is* bigger than a piano. It's even bigger than a breadbox!

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Maybe it's some kind of new secret weapon.

Cpl. Louis LeBeau:
Then why are they bringing it here?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
They know its safe. The Allies won't bomb a prisoner of war camp.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
Now you see that wouldn't be cricket.

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
Hey, gang! What if we find out what is is and if its important enough, we get London to bomb the camp? That'll be great!

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Carter. Out.

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
Schultz says I might get shot.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
That's right.

Lady Leslie Chitterly:
Robert... Robert Hogan! My darling. [puts her arms around him, kisses him]

Lady Leslie Chitterly:
Come, Robert. [takes Hogan's hand, both leave Klink's office]

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Maybe the Major didn't mean it when he said 'heads will roll.' I mean, how do you roll a *head*?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[Burkhalter enters Klink's office] What a pleasure to see you, sir.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Klink, how is it that you get so much more pleasure out of seeing me than I do out of seeing you?

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
But don't let the commandant see the monkey.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
Monkey, Schultz? Freddy is a chimpanzee. He's very sensitive about that.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
Oh, I'm sorry, Freddy.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[the men are planting flowers] I was not aware that you were such a nature lover.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Mm-hmm, we think it'll, uh it'll go a lot easier for you, sir - you should be prepared.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Prepared for what?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
For the liberation. When the Allies march in the front gate, it'll go a lot easier for you if you're standing there with a bouquet of pansies.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Hogan, do you realize what General Burkhalter would say if he saw a chimpanzee working in the garden?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
It's a lot better than if he saw him lying in the sack goldbricking.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Well, I'm grateful that a lion didn't walk into your barracks.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Him I would let goldbrick.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Speak up, Schultz.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
Well Colonel Hogan asked me if he could leave the camp tonight again to see the baroness.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
What did you tell him?

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
I said, Yes. Kommandant Klink's orders.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
You fool! I warned you not to listen to me unless I tell you to.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
'Sugar candy' is code for something special.

Cpl. Louis LeBeau:
Maybe they'll drop us some USO girls.

Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe:
Could also mean heavy equipment.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
After two years here, who cares what they look like?

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
[about Klink] Every year that man lives takes at least a century of the thousand year Reich!

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[after sending Maj. Hochstetters spy out of the office, making him believe they're gonna raid the prisoner's barracks Wednesday night] Tuesday night.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Tuesday?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Hogan thinks he can outsmart me. He'll try to use the tunnel a day earlier and really escape. But I shall be waiting for him. And I won't have to share credit with Major Hochstetter. Am I not clever?

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
Could I think about that, Herr Commandant?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Yes, Schultz. I want you to give that a lot of thought... on your way to the Eastern Front.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
So you are all under arrest.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
You're a little late, my friend.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Major, this happens to be Tuesday.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
[sarcastically] Oh, thank you very much.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
I distinctly told you Wednesday, not Tuesday.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
You think I listen to what you say? You might as well have said Friday, for all I care.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
I never said anything about Friday.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
[annoyed] I didn't say you said anything about Friday.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[annoyed] Now tell me: was it Tuesday or was it Wednesday? Be honest!

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Honest with you? You don't even know how to spell the word.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Ha. Coming from the Gestapo, that sounds very funny. Now you may leave anytime, and take your spy, Private Berger, with you!

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
What spy?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[shouting] And more, I wanna tell you... [Klink and Hochstetter shout into each other, so you can barely understand what they're shouting]

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
[Interrupting] HOLD IT! [Normal tone of voice] You make me feel terrible.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
What?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Well, it's true, we dug the tunnel and tried to escape. But, that's not the worst thing we did.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Hogan. What else did you do?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
I broke up a beautiful friendship.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Hogan, are you a spy?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
I don't know anything about the underground or sabotage.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
What's there to know? You plant a bomb and a bridge blows up. A child could do that.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
You must know some nice kids.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Good riddance!

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Hochstetter's not such a bad guy, sir.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
There's one nice thing about his being here. It's so good when he leaves.

[Hochstetter wakes Klink up in the middle of the night]

Colonel Klink:
Heil Hitler!

Schultz:
No, no, it is Major Hochstetter.

Colonel Klink:
Heil Hochstetter!

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
[after the death of Hercules] This plan better work. It's already got an expensive price tag.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
This little caper of yours better come off. We lost a man to give you what you asked for.

General Stauffen:
Don't worry. We are determined to destroy this fool at any cost.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
I know who the fool is. Who's "we"?

General Stauffen:
The greatest military minds Germany has ever produced. [walks over to a portrait of Hitler] He dares call himself Supreme Commander. But we'll put him out of business, I promise you.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
It's the least you can do, considering.

General Stauffen:
Considering what?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
You're the same bunch of guys that put him in business.

General von Behler:
Stalag 13? Tell me, is that jackass Klink still in command?

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
[as Humphrey Bogart] Do you speak German?

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
[as Sydney Greenstreet] Oh, fluently, sir, fluently.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
[as Humphrey Bogart] Then droppen sie dead.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
[talking about the show for Klink] All right, now, the main thing is to keep them entertained till the job is done. We don't want our audience walking out on us.

Cpl. Louis LeBeau:
I will personally hold them spellbound with my repertoire of songs, dances and snappy patters.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
I can hardly wait.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
I assume you have set up a strong guard for the plane?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Yes, Herr General. I've doubled the tower guards, the searchlights. You can depend on me. I've seen to it personally.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Personally? In that case, I'd better check it myself.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
[to Col. Klink] Who would want to escape from all this beauty?

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
[savoring the irony] All this beauty!

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Where are the two prisoners who tried to escape?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
If you stood any closer to them, your Iron Cross would get rusty.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Oh, you fools. Here's my reward. Thirty days in the cooler. Take them away

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Thirty days is an cruel and human unjustified punishment, to be inflicted only by a sadist.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Flattery will gain you nothing, my dear, Colonel.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[at the rehearsal of the wedding Hilda dressed as the bride] I do not recall giving permission to Fraulein Hilda to be part of this.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
You can kiss the bride.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Oh.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
One of the radio detector units has picked up a wireless sending coded messages.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
It must be the underground.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
That is exactly what I was going to say.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
They must be sending out the location of our rocket launchers.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Exactly what I was going to say, sir.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Order your men to search the area. If they see anybody suspicious, shoot them.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
That is exactly what I was going to say, General.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Klink, stop agreeing with me. You are undermining my confidence.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
[after being made a joke] Klink, you are the Kommandant here. Do you allow this sort of thing?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
The men responsible for this will be confined to barracks for two weeks.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
That's cruel and inhuman punishment.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Klink, a German officer has been insulted.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
All potato rations are cut in half for ten days.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
That's a terrible thing to do.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Do you consider this adequate punishment, Kom-man-dant?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
The Ping-Pong tournament is canceled.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Now, that's the worst blow of all.

Cpl. Louis LeBeau:
You're wasting your time, Major Hochstetter. You're not gonna get anything out of me.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
I haven't asked you anything yet.

Cpl. Louis LeBeau:
All you're gonna get is my name, rank and serial number.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
And a dancing lesson.

Cpl. Louis LeBeau:
A dancing lesson?

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
And if you ever tell anyone, I will have you kept in this cooler for a year.

Cpl. Louis LeBeau:
Under the Geneva Convention, I don't have to teach you to dance.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
[draws gun, pointing it to LeBeau's head] Take your choice, huh: waltz, foxtrot, or shot as an escaping prisoner.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Oh, you should have been there. I danced every dance with her, while Major Hochstetter was sitting there with sauerbraten on his face.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Well, you could have asked Lily to dance with him at least once.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Hogan, you don't understand. The man can't dance.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
You're kidding.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Confidentially, I've never seen a Gestapo man that could. Oh, they're great goose-steppers, but nothing on the dance floor.

Major Richard Leman:
[addressing the flyers] All of you have been chosen for 'Operation Albatross'.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Operation Albatross? Ooh, I like that name.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
I'm glad, there was no time to consult you in advance.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Oh that's quite alright Herr General.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Thank you. And Shut Up!

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
I distinctly saw Colonel Hogan watching the planes when they flew over the camp.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Klink, do not try to explain this incident to him. If he asks questions, do not act as if you know anything. You know nothing! You are ignorant!

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Yes, sir, I'm ignorant. I shall do it right away.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
I have every confidence in your ability along those lines.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
I see no reason why Colonel Hogan shouldn't watch a demonstration of German efficiency.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
But, But this is classified, General.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
He isn't going anywhere with the information, is he?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Of course not! No one has ever escaped from Stalag 13.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
So you have told me... and told me... and told me!

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
I'm going to need a few things, you know.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
What for?

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
You don't think I'd let a Frenchman make the tea, do you? He doesn't have a clue.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
Don't they drink tea in France?

Cpl. Louis LeBeau:
We don't drink anything we don't stomp on.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
[watching the women eat at the tea party ] Guests are certainly enjoying themselves, sir. That's the third tray of hors d'oeuvres LeBeau has sent in.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Uh, the fat little lady in the red dress has been eating steadily over an hour and a half.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
That's my wife.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Did I say red dress? I meant green dress, of course. I'm color-blind, you know.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Klink, you meant the lady in the red dress, and she has been eating steadily for an hour and a half.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
I'm sure Mrs. Burkhalter was famished when she arrived. It's a long trip to this camp, you know.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Exactly two miles... And she ate a sandwich in the car.

Major Hans Kuehn:
Very interesting. I must remember to mention it to my dear Uncle Karl when I write him.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Uncle Karl?

Major Hans Kuehn:
Yes, uh, Field Marshal Karl Von Streicher of the General Staff. His specialty is military protocol. Have you read his book on the chain of command?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
No.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
I have. Not a laugh in the book.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Now, is there anything I can get you, General, before you go to sleep - perhaps a glass of warm milk?

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Warm milk?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Ah, I always have a glass before bedtime makes me sleep like a baby.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Take my word, Klink, this is no time to be a sound sleeper.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Oh, I appreciate your concern, General, but I can assure you, you need not worry about my life being in danger.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
I'm not worried about your life. If they get you, I am next.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
You, *raus!*

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
No, me Hogan. [Hochstetter pulls out gun] Me leaving.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Have all security precautions been strictly observed?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Oh, Herr General, don't I always do a good job for you?

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
If you did, I wouldn't be asking.

Hogan:
Do I have to repeat the orders that were given to us when this happy little band of wandering minstrels was formed?

Newkirk:
Sir, all I'm trying to -

Hogan:
OK, I will. Quote: You'll assist escaping prisoners, cooperate with all friendly forces, and use every means to harass and injure the enemy. Unquote.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
[discussing the Crittendon Plan] All I can say, Crittendon, is it better be good.

Colonel Crittendon:
Good? It's superb. Imagine the morale boost to those young flying chaps, setting down in dear old England between a carpet of crimson geraniums.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Geraniums?

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
Geraniums?

Colonel Crittendon:
Straight from the horror of war. Like coming home to mother's cottage. Tremendous psychological factor there, chaps.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
That's The Crittendon Plan?

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
[trying to find the three scientist] I'll send to headquarters in Hammelburg. I will be here every single day until I find these men.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
I assure you I shall give the Gestapo my complete cooperation, Major Hochstetter.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Ja. Even that will not discourage me.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Until we catch those traitors, Stalag 13 will be under Gestapo control. No one in or out without my permission.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Uh, what about me?

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
You may come and go as you please, Kommandant. Hopefully, you will go.

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
I hate to say this, Colonel, but I don't see any way we're going to get our hands on that briefcase.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
You're right, the situation is hopeless, there's no solution, we're faced with an absolute impossibility.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
In that case, sir, why don't you tell us what you've thought of?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Alright, here it is.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Carry on, but quietly, I have lots of work to do.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
[mockingly] Lot of work to do.

Cpl. Louis LeBeau:
The new girlie magazines must be in from Paris.

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
You Germans can't get together on *anything.*

Cpl. Louis LeBeau:
That's why it's taking them so long to lose the war!

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
How true- that's true!

[Sgt. Schultz and Hilda look at each other, and shrug]

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Look Metzler, why can't you understand? I'm trying to save your *life*!

Captain Karl Metzler:
In return for *information*!

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
They *shot* Holtz trying to escape- you're next! *You* be the judge what's *important*!

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
[surprised] I thought I'd done *everything* in this war! *Now* I'm delivering *newspapers*!

[last lines]

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
Colonel Hogan, if you ever escape...

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Yeah?

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
Be a good fellow and take me with you.

Baroness Lili von Schlichter:
Colonel, I will be safe here?

Cpl. Louis LeBeau:
Not if I can help it.

[last lines]

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Colonel Hogan, just tell me this. Was it really Colonel Crittenden who was responsible for yesterday?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Well, let's put it this way. We had to lose him - he was bad luck.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[Col. Klink and Helga are listening to music being played by the POWs] You know, Helga, do you know that the whole of our beautiful national soul, our culture is expressed in "The Ride of the Valkyries?"

Helga:
As a warrior, you must feel it deeply.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
I do. Perhaps, someday, as a fallen hero, I shall be carried off to Valhalla across the saddle of a beautiful German war maiden, such as you my dear Helga.

Helga:
Are you volunteering for active duty Herr Kommandant?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Be quiet and listen to the music!

Colonel Klink:
[about how he got Hogan out of the cooler] I used all my intelligence and craftiness.

Hogan:
Yeah,well, I got out anyway.

Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe:
[skims through a collection of maps and finds Pittsburgh] Pittsburgh? We had guys escape to Pittsburgh?

Hogan:
Not "to" - "from".

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
[looking at the burnt money in his hand] It's the story of my life. I never could hang on to money.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[after catching Schultz accepting items from the prisoners] Cigarettes? Sardines? Chocolate bars? You live better than Goering and you're twice as big!

Major Hochstetter:
Everybody under arrest!

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
It's going to snow again. The weather is getting a little nippy.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
Yes, good thing the mail arrived.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
Why? Are you expecting any warm clothing?

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
No, I use the letters to cover the holes in my underwear.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
I could use a few letters myself.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Yeah, in your case, Schultz, you'd need the New York Times. Sunday edition.

Major Martin:
[in disbelief] You're an American.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Someone around here has to be.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
[reads note] My dear Colonel, clever the way you got Wagner out of that prison camp. Kindly be just as clever and get these plans out of this one. Till we meet again, Nimrod.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Like all of us, the general has his good points as well as his faults.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
Yes.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
What do you think my faults are?

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
[after failure to keep a straight face] I wasn't talking about you, Herr Commandant.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
You know, Schultz, the trouble is you're afraid to say anything you think. Filled with fear, frightened to express any kind of opinion.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
Oh, no, Herr Commandant. I talk about you all the time, when you are not around.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
[hangs up] We've got him. We've got him.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
We've got who?

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Nimrod.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Nimrod? That British agent?

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Yeah, that's right. The most wanted man in Germany and we've got him. No, we don't got him. They got him. But we can still get him.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
What are you babbling about?

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
That phone call. It was a message. - Oh, excuse me a moment, general. [reads the lines he worte down] "Mairzy Doats, Little Boy Blue" [eats the paper] I realise this is hard to believe, general, but Klink-...

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
HOCHSTETTER! Take that paper out of your mouth.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
[does so] Sorry, general. I got so excited. This news has me so excited. Here, read this.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
You read it to me, please, major.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Well, it's in code. It's some kind of instructions fro Nimrod. I'll call headquarters and have them send over a cryptologist. No, wait a minute. I'm a cryptologist. I was the top man in my unit. This is no trick at all. [slide, Klink's desk is full of curdled-up papers] I got it. I told you. Didn't I tell you I could break this code.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
For two hours you have been telling me that.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
What they're using here i a variation on the old Fessenhoffer Cipher. Basic vowel substitutes. A becomes E if followed by P. When preceded by U, then E becomes B and U becomes P and sometimes Y except afert C. However, what they've done here-...

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Just read the message.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
The message is: "I am foul. Lurch let in cragnik."

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
This is the message? Obviously, it's not the code.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Yeah, that's not the code... Oh, it's the old double-look method. I will crack this in not time at all.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Why don't you call headquarters and let them send over an expert. This whole thing doesn't makes sense. The idea of Klink being a British agent is ridiculous.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Yeah, I could not believe it myself. But you were here. You heard the phone ring. You saw me write down the message. So you know I'm not crazy.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Yes, I heard the phone ring, I heard you say Mairzy Doats, and I watched you eat a wad of paper.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Yes, that does it. I've taken all the necessary precautions. In a few minutes Nimrod will be my prisoner.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
It just doesn't seem possible. How I could have been so fooled by Klink.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Oh, Nimrod is a very brilliant man.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Yes, but Klink is such a stupid one.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
That is where he was truly brilliant. You only thought he was stupid.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
EVERYBODY THOUGHT HE WAS STUPID!

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
The execution takes place tomorrow as scheduled.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
And then Wagner's brother shoots Colonel Klink. Now come on General think of how long you've know Colonel Klink. Think of the things you two have been through together.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
If I do, I'm liable to shoot him myself.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[Burkhalter arrives] Ah, General Burkhalter it is so good to see you again. You know it's really a marvelous surprise. We haven't had a friendly chat for some time.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
We haven't had a friendly chat at any time.

[Hogan decides to destroy the German ammo dump unsuccessfully attacked by Sergeant Orchard and his men]

Sergeant Walters:
You're thinking of going there?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Why not? It's in the neighborhood.

Sergeant Walters:
You mean you're going to stage a raid from a prison camp? You must be daft! That's fifty miles away through the heart of Germany. How are you going to get there?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Through our local travelers aid man, Colonel Klink

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
Let's get out of here!

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Let's get our prisoner first.

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
We haven't got time... Our what? We can't keep a prisoner!

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Well, we've got our own prison. What better place to keep him.

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
But we're prisoners!

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
So what? Just because we're prisoners doesn't mean we can't have our own prisoners.

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
It's impossible.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
There's a rule or something? The Geneva Convention - not a word. We got our rights; we're as good as they are. Look, if the Germans can have an American prisoner, why can't the Americans have a German prisoner. If we're wrong, what are they going to do? Lock us up?

[Hogan is trying to trick General Schmidt into revealing the location of his secret headquarters]

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
He won't talk to save his life... or will he? I think the general's going to be ill - deathly ill. Newkirk, we have a job for the Mighty Hogan Art Players.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Klink! I'm warning you. Keep your costs down, put your house in order, or the next time you want caviar, you won't have to import it - you can catch your own on the Volga.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
But you'll have to eat it there. You can't take it home, sir.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
General, I promise you, I will bring all my skill and my intelligence to bear on this problem.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Who knows? You may be able to solve it anyway.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
[reading the plan] Amazing. You obviously worked hard on this plan, Klink.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Thank you, General Burkhalter. I have given it many hours of intelligent thought.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
That's what's so amazing.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[Klink explaining the purchasing plan] I understand they're already beginning to call it the "Klink Plan".

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Oh? Who calls it the "Klink Plan"?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Oh, some of the gang back at the stalag.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
You have practically ensured the success of the "Klink Plan".

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Who calls it the "Klink Plan"?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Some of the gang back in Berlin.

Alf the Artist:
[after coming up out of the emergency tunnel] Ah, thank you very much. Oh lovely tunnel I must say- pity it doesn't lead into a bank.

[a milestone quotation for the series - Klink admits to Schultz and Hogan]

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
For the first time since I've been in command here... I want to know nothing. Nothing!

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
[as German general] Take this man's name, Putzi!

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
[as German adjutant] Transfer to the Russian front, sir, or court-martial to be shot?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
[as German general] Oh, I don't know. Mix 'em up.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
[catching Schultz asleep] On your feet Schultz!

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
General Burkhalter, what are you doing here?

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
First suppose you tell me what you were doing there.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
Well...

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Your lying!

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
You see...

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Enough! I don't want to hear any more of your lies.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
That's the only one I had.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
[after being told he does not have to transfer] You mean I do not have to go?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
You heard the commandant, now back to your post.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Schultz, so you made a few stupid mistakes. You're lazy, you're fat, you sleep on duty. Still, you're a likable clod.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
We are here on a rather delicate matter - internal service politics.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
You have certainly come to the right man for delicate matters.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Your career is a delicate matter.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Yes, the Baron was clever alright but not quite clever enough. Now, I don't want to sound like I'm blowing my own horn but...

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
You sound like a whole brass band.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Well I just wanted you to hear that... I... I...

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Shut mouth, Klink. That's what I would like to hear.

Colonel Karla Hoffman:
[ordering the others out of the room] I have observed that the psychic communication between Hogan and Schultz is very close. I must explore the matter further alone. Take a bottle and do not hurry back.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
But, uh where is there to go in a prison camp?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Ah, leave that to me, General Burkhalter. The moonlight- it's beautiful on the laundry or the bakery. Oh, unforgettable.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
What brings you to Stalag 13?

Gen. der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Captain Ritter has been ordered to acquaint himself with Luftwaffe prisoner-of-war facilities.

Capt. Ritter:
The general was kind enough to let me tag along on the inspection tour.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
I'm at your disposal, Captain. I will give you any information that I have.

Capt. Ritter:
Danke, Herr Colonel.

Gen. der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
You may learn a few things anyway.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
You will all stay away from that rocket. Did you hear me? What is going on there? Back, back, all of you. Back

General von Rauscher:
Who are you?

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Major Hochstetter, Herr General, in charge of security here, and you're all much too close to this rocket.

General von Rauscher, Col. Wilhelm Klink:
My dear major, there is no danger of it firing-...

General von Rauscher:
Firing? Who's worried about firing? I'm worried about spying.

General von Rauscher:
Are you aware that I am in charge of this project, and that this is the inventor?

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
[Zagoskin hands him his notebook] Until I clear you, you will please stop inventing.

[points at Marya]

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Who is that woman?

General von Rauscher:
She is my interpreter, Hochstetter.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Yes, Major Hochstetter. And I believe a full corporal.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
What is this bungler doing here?

General von Rauscher:
Responsible for the security of our witness.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR SECURITY HERE. What witness?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Hi there.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
What is this man doing here?

General von Rauscher:
Hochstetter, I am in charge of this project. And I am operating UNDER DIRECT AUTHORITY OF THE GERMAN GENERAL STAFF.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Traitors, all of them. What is this man doing here?

General von Rauscher:
I AM IN CHARGE OF SECURITY-...

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?

General von Rauscher:
He is our witness.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Witness? You have chosen the most dangerous man in all of Germany as a witness. The Gestapo is taking over. I will surround this camp with a ring of steel. Anyone within a hundred yards of this rocket will be shot und reshot.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Berlin is calling every minute. "What happend to the Duke of York?" NOTHING IS WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DUKE OF YORK!

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Bad scene, major.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Hogan, I will not go down alone. If my head is to roll, all heads will roll.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Except, major, I quite clearly had no part in this whole affair. Therefore...

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
ALL HEADS WILL ROLL.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
All heads will roll, that's quite democratic.

Marya:
Poor Putzie. So handsome and so unlucky.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Traitors, all of you. I fully intend - - Hogan, why are you so composed?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Well, it's obvious, major. You've already figured how to turn this to your advantage.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
I have?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
He has?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Of course. The ultimate weapon didn't quite work out. But the major has a plan to cripple the entire Russian rocket program.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
He has?

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Go on, Hogan.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
You're pulling my leg. You're not arranging right now for Zagoskin to escape to Russia? Of course you are. He'll do for them what he's done for you. That's worthy of Himmler himself, major.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Hogan, I...

Marya:
Major Hochstetter is a genius, Putzie. He has saved us all.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Ja, I believe I have.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
You're still going to send me home, aren't you?

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Of course not. Take him away, Klink. Back to Stalag 13.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Schultz, take him away.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Cruel, sir, cruel.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[talking with Colonel Becker] General Burkhalter tells me that you are the commandant of a POW camp, just like me.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Not like you. He knows what he's doing.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
But is Hogan ready to tell us about the Norden?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
I have been working on him, Herr General. Even if I say so myself, when I turn on the charm, I can be irresistible.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
I have never had any trouble resisting you.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Of course, we could give you the time to think it over in a special cell we have. It's not big enough to stand up in, and it is not big enough to lie down in.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Sounds like a hotel room I once had in Cleveland.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
During the days, the temperature is 140 degrees, and at night, it is below freezing.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
That's the hotel, all right.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
Then, if you still won't talk, you will be starved, tortured and then shot. Well, Colonel, what you say, hmm?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
What can I say? You've made me homesick for Cleveland.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
[telling Klink what a good catch Burkhalter's sister is to marry] Gertrude is just the kind of woman you need. She's clever, forceful, efficient, thrifty.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
What about her looks?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
What's there to behold? She looks like her brother.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
[hanging up the phone] General Burkhalter, I'm sorry to say your sister has been kidnapped.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
What do they want, Klink?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
They say we are holding a girl. I'm not holding a girl.

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
Neither am I.

Sgt. Hans Georg Schultz:
I wish I were.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Schultz, close the gates! The war is back on!

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
I am sure it's not necessary to tell you what will happen to you should there be an escape, hmm?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
An escape from Stalag 13? That's a good one.

Maj. Wolfgang Hochstetter:
You will be shot.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
That's another good one.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
[after Newkirk and Carter have been caught escaping] They weren't really trying to escape.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Yeah, yeah.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
They were going into town for a very good reason.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
To buy something. They would have come right back.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
A birthday gift for you.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
For me?

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
yeah, yeah ,yeah, yeah.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
I don't believe it.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Don't let the war make you cynical, sir.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
I was not aware that it's my birthday.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Isn't it about time you found out.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
I wouldn't believe one word you said, Hogan.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Not even if I said you were the greatest military mind in the Third Reich?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
That I'd have to think over.

Colonel Sitzer:
[Klink has just been told he is to receive an award] You will be presented with an award and a national radio hookup.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
An award? For me? Let me say, sir. I accept it with the deepest of humility.

Colonel Sitzer:
We want you to keep it a secret until the presentation. That way we will get the full impact on public opinion.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Oh, you have nothing to worry about, sir. My lips are sealed. I won't say a word. A secret is sacred to me. Wild horses and torture could not drag one syllable out of me. If there's one thing I'm not, it's a talker...

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter:
I must admit if there is anything more outstanding than your humility, it's your golden silence.

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Thank you, General Burkhalter.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
What would you say is the one thing that made the Blue Baron the greatest fighter pilot in World War One?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
Me!

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
You?

Col. Wilhelm Klink:
I taught him everything he knew about flying. That's why I was known to my classmates as 'The Eagle'.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Because you could fly or because you were bald?

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
[Carter reading RSVP about Klink's party] Here's the Blue Baron's answer. "Colonel Klink, when I received your invitation, for a moment I had forgotten who you were. "However, the weather turned cold and my knee stiffened up, as it has since August the fourth 1917, when you panicked and almost killed the two of us in that training crash. Instead of your party, I'll be soaking my knee".

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Have you got everything straight?

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
[dressed as Klink] Maybe you better run through it once more. Klink isn't too bright, you know. [laughs. LeBeau glares at him] At 9:55, I go into the station master, and I tell him I have this package that has to go out on the Berlin Express. It's of great military importance.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
And if he asks any questions?

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
I yell and scream at him, call him a few twelve-letter names, and if he still gives me an argument, I... think of something else.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Carter, you overpower him quickly and quietly.

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
I think it's much safer to think of something else.

Cpl. Peter Newkirk:
Andrew, the station master is a little old man.

Sgt. Andrew Carter:
Uh-huh, and sometimes little old men have big old guns.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Carter, civilians aren't allowed to carry firearms, and besides Kinch'll be outside if you need any help.

Col. Robert E. Hogan:
Just because we're enemies is no reason we can't be friends.

Get off that radio Klink!