I Dream of Jeannie

Major Nelson:
Jeannie, I never knew how much you meant to me until this happened. I'm never going to let you out of my sight again. Look, I even brought you flowers. Once I get you out of there, I'm going to take you out to dinner... the best candle lit dinner... [Dr Bellows, Major Healy and Harry walk in on Major Nelson talking to the moon safe]

Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD:
A candle lit dinner...

Major Nelson:
I can explain, sir.

Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD:
Being in love with a safe, they haven't got a name for that one.

Major Nelson:
Jeannie's turned against me.

Major Healey:
She can't turn against you. Your her master. She as to obey you.

Major Nelson:
Yeah, who says so?

Major Healey:
I don't know, maybe it's in the genie manual.

Major Nelson:
Then how come she's deliberately disobeyed me?

Major Healey:
Maybe she wasn't issued a genie manual.

Blue Djinn:
How does thou wish to die?

Major Nelson:
Of old age.

Jeannie:
Master I have a mother-in-law problem.

Major Nelson:
You can't have a mother-in-law problem. We are not married.

Jeannie's Sister:
You can make a man eat shredded cardboard, if you play the right tricks.

Nelson:
How are things going?

Jeannie:
Terrible. I have to make dinner - I mean actually make it without magic. We are liable to die.

[Dr Bellows to Major Nelson after one of Jeannie's mishaps]

Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD:
Some men dedicate their lives to science. Some men dedicate their lives to politics. I'm dedicating my life to understanding you.

Mrs Winker (house buyer):
How many bedrooms do you have?

Jeannie:
How many would you like?

Jeannie:
How should I punish him? Should I give him death of a thousand itches.

Major Healey:
How about scratches?

Jeannie:
Itches are much worse.

Jeannie:
Master is football more important to you than I am?

Major Nelson:
Of course not, that's like comparing oranges and lemons.

Jeannie:
And I'm the lemon.

Jeannie:
Let me see now. A six letter word for rat. M-A-S-T-E-R.

Jeannie:
I would not be going out with your best friend if I were married to his best friend.

Officer Anderson:
You know, this is a one way street.

Jeannie:
I was only going one way.

Jeannie:
All I do is think and blink.

Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD:
You may be an expert in financial matters, Mr. Huggins, but I happen to be an expert in Major Anthony Nelson.

Amanda Bellows:
[after Jeannie has turned Tony's living room into a campground with a fire, tent, and running brook] Oh, it's wonderful! Alfred, how come we never do anything like this?

Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD:
Amanda, I spend half my life *curing* people who do things like this!

Narrator:
[Opening Narration-episodes 1.2 through 1.8] Once upon a time, in a mythical place called Cape Kennedy, an astronaut named Tony Nelson went up on a space mission. The missile went up, but something went wrong and they had to bring it down. Captain Nelson landed on an island in the South Pacific where he found a bottle. At least it looked like a bottle. But it didn't act like a bottle... because in it was a genie. Oh, not your average, everyday genie. But a beautiful genie... who could grant any wish. Captain Nelson was so grateful, he set Jeannie free. Only she didn't want to be free. You know how it is when you've been cooped up in a bottle for 2000 years. She wanted to have fun. And she wanted to have it with Captain Nelson. So she followed him back to Cocoa Beach. A mythical town in a mythical state called Florida. And there in this house, the girl in the bottle plays Spin The Astronaut.

Jeannie:
Are you not going to kiss me goodbye? [closes her eyes and assumes kissing pose]

Capt. Anthony Nelson:
Now Jeannie, remember our bargain? You agreed that this relationship would be purely platonic.

Jeannie:
Yes Master [resumes pose]

Capt. Anthony Nelson:
And you agreed because you knew that that would be the best way?

Jeannie:
No. I agreed because I did not know what 'platonic' meant.

Capt. Anthony Nelson:
It means 'friends'. 'Pals'.

Jeannie:
Oh. [clearly disappointed]

Capt. Anthony Nelson:
'Good buddies'.

Jeannie:
Well then, how about a *friendly* kiss goodbye? [resumes kissing pose]

Capt. Anthony Nelson:
Well, I see no harm in that. [Leans in to give her a peck on the lips but instead Jeannie grabs him and kisses him passionately. He protests at first but soon finds himself kissing her back]

Capt. Anthony Nelson:
[when the kiss breaks, breathlessly] You're the best buddy a buddy ever had. [Quickly exits through the door]

Jeannie:
Thou hast tried to drown me.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Don't tempt me.

Major Margaret Fiefield:
[Jeannie reports for her aptitude test results] The average girl usually shows ability in several different fields. But we've given you five separate tests and the answer's always the same. It seems there's only one thing you're qualified to do.

Jeannie:
What is that?

Major Margaret Fiefield:
Nothing.

Major Margaret Fiefield:
These are the reports from the various departments in which you've worked. I wanted you to hear them.

Jeannie:
Yes, ma'am.

Major Margaret Fiefield:
From the hospital, we have this comment: "Dangerous. Approach with extreme caution." From the dental lab: "Strongly urge that Recruit Nelson be declared a disaster area." Sergeant Morgan, the driving instructor, writes: "A terrifying experience. Administration says should be ideal for demolition work." Now today, I believe we worked in communications. However, I haven't heard anything from them. So far.

Jeannie:
I think you will get a phone call as soon as the power lines are working again.

Major Margaret Fiefield:
[reading Jeannie's test results] Two hundred and fifty words a minute! No one can type that fast.

Jeannie:
Oh, that was not typing. That was dictation.

Major Margaret Fiefield:
Oh. [looks again at Jeannie's test results] Two hundred and fifty words a minute... in longhand?

Jeannie:
It is easier to read that way. I got a score of four hundred words in typing.

Major Margaret Fiefield:
Unbelievable.

Jeannie:
I told you I would make a good secretary.

Lt. Snyder:
[inside the Recruiting center] Uh, date of birth?

Jeannie:
July first.

Lt. Snyder:
[makes notes] July first... Year?

Jeannie:
Twenty-one B.C.

Lt. Snyder:
[notes] Uh-huh. Age?

Jeannie:
Fifteen hundred.

Lt. Snyder:
[notes] And place of birth?

Jeannie:
Pompeii.

Lt. Snyder:
Pomp... [reads from her notepad] "Twenty-one B.C. Fifteen hundred years old". [Tony looks uncomfortable]

Jeannie:
I-I know I should have been honest with you, Lieutenant. I am not really fifteen hundred.

Lt. Snyder:
Oh, I really didn't think so.

Jeannie:
I am two thousand. But every woman lies about her age.

Major Anthony Nelson:
Jeannie, don't worry about a thing, you just make yourself comfortable. Roger and I are gonna go and get you a professional safe-cracker.

Jeannie:
Oh be careful Master! Safe-crackers are dangerous criminals!

Major Roger Healey:
Hey, she's right! The Pink Horse Bar and Grill; that's where all the gangsters hang out!

Major Anthony Nelson:
Where do you expect to find a safe-cracker; the Yellow Pages?

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
[an ailing Jeannie is attempting to conjure up Tony's breakfast. She blinks and half of the breakfast plate appears] Half an egg? You really are sick. [Jeannie ignores him and tries again. Half a coffee cup materializes] Wow. I'd ask you to conjure up a Doctor but I'd hate to see what he'd look like.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
[referring to the curly hair and curly beard Jeannie gave him] Uh, Jeannie, if I go around Cape Kennedy like this, they'll blast me off without a capsule.

Capt. Roger Healey:
[Tony and Roger are told they'll be training at Skull Flats, Utah] "Skull Flats." You know, General, I'm not complaining, but for once I'd like to go on one of these survival missions to a place called, oh, like, "Happy Valley" or "Merry Meadows," hmm?

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
[Tony puts the stopper on Jeannie's bottle as Roger approaches him] There! You'll be safe right here.

Capt. Roger Healey:
Yeah, but how safe am I gonna be in the desert with a guy who talks to bottles?

Capt. Roger Healey:
Boy, it must be 110 in the shade out here. If there was any shade.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Well, cheer up. It's only 7 o'clock in the morning.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
You come out of there. Now, now, come on. I'm in no mood to play games. Jeannie, look. Don't be afraid. [Roger notices that Tony is talking into his canteen; to Jeannie] I... I just want to talk to you.

Capt. Roger Healey:
Talking to your canteen? Aren't you afraid your bottle will get jealous?

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
No, I wasn't talking to it! I was... well, you know... [blows into it as if playing a jug]

Capt. Roger Healey:
[a bit annoyed] Would you like me to play a few verses on my comb of 'Sugar Blues', or shall we get on with the survival mission?

Jeannie:
Oh, cleverest master in all the world, teach me the meaning of this strange incantation. [makes sound like blowing over the top of a bottle]

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Where am I? Where am I? What's that?

Jeannie:
Baktu malali. An ancient Persian remedy

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Oh, boy. What is it?

Jeannie:
Hot chicken soup.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
[to Jeannie] It's wonderful, but I can't gorge myself on roast lamb while my buddy is out eating needles.

Capt. Roger Healey:
Hey, you know something? I must be cracking up. I could swear I smell roast lamb.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Huh? Oh. Oh, that. Yeah, well, I got so hungry I cooked my shoe and I ate it.

Capt. Roger Healey:
Roast shoe? How did it taste?

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
A lot like roast lamb.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
[Tony is trying to explain to Dr. Bellows how he survived the mission] Roger chose the hard way, and I chose the easy way.

Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD:
Obviously! Captain Healey lost twelve pounds traveling thirty miles in seven days, while you turn up three days early, seventy-five miles from the Drop Zone... and looking like the guest of honor at the Gourmet's Club!

Jeannie:
[after Dr. Bellows leaves] Too rich food! That doctor, I don't think I like him.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Well, if he caught you here, I don't think he'd be too happy either. You better beat it.

Jeannie:
You will love the desert of Saudi Arabia. I know a pool there.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
I bet you do.

Blue Djinn:
How does thou wish to die?

Major Anthony Nelson:
Of old age.

Jeannie:
[referring to Melissa, Tony's fianc?e] Her vibrations are all wrong for you.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Oh. That's funny. I kinda like the way she vibrates.

Jeannie:
You will be throwing your life away.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
It is not so, and... And it is my life. And I can throw it any place I please.

Jeannie:
Two thousand years ago, my sister made better gravy than that. And she was the worst cook in the Middle East.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
A million bottles on the beach, and I had to pick hers.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
[Jeannie opens the front door, and stands against one side of it, while Roger stands on the other side, looking at Tony; hissing to Jeannie] Get out! [she vanishes]

Capt. Roger Healy:
[somewhat confused] I just got here!

Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD:
You know, in all the years I've been practicing psychiatry, you're the most interesting person I've ever met.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Oh, thank you, sir.

Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD:
Oh, I-I was speaking clinically.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
What do you find so interesting about me?

Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD:
Well, you don't fit into any known category. One minute you're calm, the next, you're hysterical. You can pass the most difficult test the Air Force has devised, and yet, you hear voices. You're a top scientist, and you suffer from delusions. You don't call that interesting? I can't wait to put you in a book.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Uh, you do read, don't you?

Jeannie:
[nods] Mm-mm. Right to left, left to right, top to bottom, or bottom to top.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Hm. Uh, left to right, top to bottom.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
You must be a mind-reader.

Jeannie:
Oh, no, no. I cannot read minds, Master. Oh, but I have a friend, Nostradamus, who does a marvelous job of...

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
I bet you do.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
[after Tony wishes for Jeannie to get rid of his swimming pool, she zaps it away, leaving his head stuck in the patio concrete] Help!

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Say, has the weather changed much in the last two thousand years?

Jeannie:
Oh, weather is weather. In ancient Persia we had an old saying: "Everyone talks about the weather, but no one does anything about it."

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
You're kidding.

Jeannie:
I jest you not, Master.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Hey where did we get the groceries?

Jeannie:
Oh, I went shopping early this morning.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
You left the house?

Jeannie:
Yes. I had to hurry down to my neighborhood grocer to shop for your supper.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Well, now, who told you to do that?

Jeannie:
A man on television.

Jeannie:
Figures.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Come on, let's go.

Jeannie:
Where?

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Well, down to the market. Maybe we can still catch him.

Jeannie:
Please, do not bother. You-you have to go breathe.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
I do not have to breathe.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Hey, where are we?

Jeannie:
We're at the market place, Master. Oh, and there is Ali, the man who hit me.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Wait a second. Wait. That was two thousand years ago?

Jeannie:
Yes.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Well, why were you crying about it this morning?

Jeannie:
I just remembered it.

Auctioneer:
[Tony is placed on slave auction] How much do I hear?

Bidder:
One shekel is all he is worth.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
One shekel? I'm a college graduate! I'm worth at least... Let me out of here!

Auctioneer:
Did I not tell thee he was high-spirited.

Bidder:
Three shekels.

Auctioneer:
Oh, three shekels. He is worth twenty times that much. Look, look at these teeth!

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
I have a lot of cavities. I use the wrong toothpaste! I appreciate your interest in me, Sir. But I am late for the office. Excuse me.

Jeannie:
[introducing Tony to Ali] This is Nelson, flier through the moons of space. This is Ali, killer of many giant men.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Captain Anthony Nelson, United States Air Force, serial number 36076A. And that's all the information I'm required to give.

Jeannie:
I came as quickly as I could to tell you the news. Oh, Mama. I can hardly wait for you to meet your new Son-In-Law.

Jeannie's Mother:
Oh, my dear.

Jeannie's Father:
And what does he do for a living, my daughter?

Jeannie:
Oh, he flies through space, Papa.

Jeannie's Father:
From this he makes a living?

Jeannie:
He is most clever.

Jeannie:
[introducing Tony to her parents] This is Nelson, flier through the moons of space. This is my mother.

Jeannie's Father:
It is sad. We were such a happy family before the tragedy overtook us.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Tragedy?

Jeannie's Father:
When our daughter refused to marry the wicked Djinn and he turned her into a genie.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Oh, yes, that. Well, every family has its little problems. Will the wedding be soon, Sir? I'd like to see it, but I really ought to be getting back to Cocoa Beach.

Jeannie's Father:
What is this 'Cocoa Beach'?

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
It's a little town east of... Baghdad.

Jeannie's Father:
Tell me, my son, how many camels dost thou have?

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Why... why none. I...

Jeannie's Father:
None?

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Well... well, I mean, I have none with me. [both chuckle]

Jeannie's Father:
My daughter tells me that thou art a prince among princes.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Well, you know how Jeannie exaggerates. [both laugh]

Jeannie's Father:
I would wager that thou hast a king's ransom in goats and oxen.

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
Yeah, well, I-I can honestly say I have as many goats and oxen as anyone in Cocoa Beach.

Jeannie's Father:
I'm pleased to hear that.

Jeannie:
Miss Galaxy is a fat showoff. They should call her: Miss Full Moon.

Jeannie:
Did you really mean it when you said that I was the greatest thing that ever happened to you?

Anthony 'Tony' Nelson:
I refuse to answer on the grounds I may incriminate myself.

Major Anthony Nelson:
Pardon me, I don't mean to intrude. My name is Major Anthony Nelson. You don't know me, but I certainly know you. You're the Little Corporal.

General Pichegru:
Execute him!

Major Anthony Nelson:
Wait, wait now;please, take it easy. I don't mean to offend you sir,but everyone calls you the Little Corporal.

Napoleon:
Those who do, regret it.

Capt.:
[Dozing in an armchair being levitated by Jeannie, unaware that Dr Bellows has just walked in] This is so comfortable. Say, there's lots of room up here, why don't you come and join me?

Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD:
I would but I'd need a ladder!

Jeannie:
[about Dr Bellows who is trying to get Tony in trouble with the General] Why will you not let me turn him into something? How about a frog?

Capt.:
No. And besides, Dr Bellows is only doing his job.

Jeannie:
But you are only doing yours.

Capt.:
Yes but unfortunately my job does not involve floating around my own living room.

Sergeant Ben Roberts:
It was just the only way I could think of to save my brother.

Major Anthony Nelson:
To save your brother?

Sergeant Ben Roberts:
Yes, sir. My brother and my sister in law, they got this here farm in Four Corners, Alabama.

Major Anthony Nelson:
Yeah?

Sergeant Ben Roberts:
It ain't much, but it's all they got in the world. Anyway, I got this letter from my brother, yesterday, saying as to how they're gonna lose that farm. You see there's been a turrible drought down there, all year. Not a drop of water. All his crops are dryin' up and blowin' away. So when I heard Dr. Bellows talk about you... I uh... excuse me again for bothering you, sir...

Major Roger Healey:
Hey, corn. This is fine. Where'd you get that?

Sergeant Ben Roberts:
That's the finest corn in Alabama, sir.

Sergeant Ben Roberts:
It's about Four Corners, sir, or what's left of it.

Major Anthony Nelson:
Yes?

Sergeant Ben Roberts:
I know I asked you to make it rain down there, and I certainly appreciate your help, but, Major, this is, uh, well, my brother says the streets are turning into rivers! His farm is three feet underwater. The barn floated away this morning.

Major Anthony Nelson:
The barn floated away?

Sergeant Ben Roberts:
You've got to stop that rain, sir!

Major Anthony Nelson:
Jeannie, why didn't you stop the rain when you left?

Jeannie:
Rain? Oh... Four Corners! I left the water running!

Major Anthony Nelson:
There's nothing left of the place. It's a lake!

Sergeant Ben Roberts:
Major Nelson.

Major Anthony Nelson:
Yeah?

Sergeant Ben Roberts:
My brother just phoned me, and nobody understands it, but, uh, that lake that used to be his farm...

Major Anthony Nelson:
Yes, what's the matter now?

Sergeant Ben Roberts:
Well, it's filled... with the biggest trout you ever saw!

Major Anthony Nelson:
Trout?

Sergeant Ben Roberts:
And bass, and catfish! It's a fisherman's paradise! My brother and all his friends is rentin' out cabins to tourists, and getting rich!

[Hamid is about to execute CDR Porter, who thinks he's in a mirage]

Jeannie:
Cousin Hamid, no! Do not kill him!

Hamid:
[approaches Jeannie, Tony, and Roger]

Hamid:
The infidel must die.

Hamid:
[indicating Tony and Roger] Who are they?

Jeannie:
Oh, friends. This is Cousin Hamid. This is my beloved master, Major Nelson, and Major Healey.

Hamid:
Welcome to my humble village. My tent is your tent. And now if you'll excuse me, I must cut your friend to ribbons.

[after Jeannie kisses him]

Major Nelson:
I must have gone further into orbit than I thought.

Jeannie:
Thou may ask anything of thy slave, Master.

Major Nelson:
Jeannie, that's marvelous. I don't know how to thank you.

Jeannie:
[putting her arms around his neck] I will teach thee, Master.

Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD:
What was this genie like?

Major Nelson:
Oh, she was - um, just your average, everyday, run-of-the-mill genie.

Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD:
Of course. Beautiful?

Major Nelson:
Yes, yeah.

Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD:
Desirable? And helpful?

Major Nelson:
Yes, yes.

Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD:
Captain, that's the classic fantasy. A beautiful girl on a desert island. A girl who would do anything for you. Do you know who that girl was?

Major Nelson:
No, sir. I've never seen her before in my life.

Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD:
She was your mother.

Major Nelson:
My mother's in Salt Lake City, sir.

Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD:
I'm a psychiatrist. I know a mother when I see one.

[Jeannie walks into the room wearing only one of Captain Nelson's shirts]

Major Nelson:
Well. Well, look - look who's here.

Melissa Stone:
I'm looking.

Major Nelson:
Oh, uh, Me-Melissa, this is - This is Jeannie.

Melissa Stone:
Tony. I've always prided myself on being tolerant, but - But would you explain to me, what is that girl doing here?

Major Nelson:
Uh, w-well, that's the explanation. She's not here.

[Jeannie giggles]

Melissa Stone:
What?

Major Nelson:
Uh, w-well, she is here, but of course, uh, she's not a girl.

[Jeannie folds her arms, clearly mad]

[after Melissa leaves]

Jeannie:
What was that one doing here, Master?

Major Nelson:
That one was my fianc?e.

Jeannie:
Hah. Thou art kidding.

Major Nelson:
Now, just a minute, young lady. Melissa happens to be a very...

Jeannie:
A black-haired demon.

Major Nelson:
Oh, well, yeah. Look who's talking.

Jeannie:
I can do much more for thee than she can. [thows her arms around his neck]

Major Nelson:
Now-now, stop that, Jeannie. We don't do that in America.

Gen. Wingard Stone:
[Upon the sudden arrival of General Stone and Dr Bellows, Tony has hidden Jeannie's bottle in a garbage can] Dr Bellows tells me you had a hallucination back on that island.

Major Nelson:
Um, you really didn't need to tell the General that, sir.

Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD:
I'm only trying to safeguard the welfare of my astronauts, Captain.

Major Nelson:
But I'm fine now sir, really. There's no girl in a bottle. [just notices that a garbage truck has just pulled up and 2 garbagemen have emptied the trash can with Jeannie's bottle in it into the compactor] STOP! Wait! There's a girl in there! [runs over whilst Dr Bellows and the General look on]

First Garbage Man:
[sarcastically] Oh really? She must have slipped past us.

Major Nelson:
No, really. There's a girl in there! She's in a bottle! [Garbage men ignore him. The trash compactor starts up] STOP! STOP! You'll kill her! I - I'll buy the garbage from you!

First Garbage Man:
[to his colleague] Charge for garbage?

Second Garbage Man:
Well, this is a good neighbourhood, we got a good grade of garbage.

Major Nelson:
Here, I'll give you $20 [gives him the money] Jeannie! Jeannie! [rummages through the garbage in the truck] Jeannie, speak to me! [finds bottle] Ah! Here she is.

Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD:
[Dr Bellows and General Stone have been watching all this in bemusement] Come with us, Captain Nelson, we'll buy you all the garbage you want.

Col. Alfred E. Bellows, MD:
[Dr. Bellows enters his office with a wry grin, only to find Tony and Melissa kissing each other passionately] I'm always fascinated by these local courtship customs!

Jeannie:
Somehow I must find a way to please thee, Master.

Melissa Stone:
Goodbye Tony.

Major Nelson:
No, no. You don't understand.

Melissa Stone:
Oh, I'm afraid I do understand. [Melissa stares at Jeannie standing in front of Tony's bedroom, still clad in 'Master's' shirt, before she faces him again, trying to stay calm] Tony... I may be, tolerant, but... [explodes in frustration] But that's a GIRL! [running to front door] IT'S A GIRL! [slams door on her way out]

Jeannie:
Thou hast set me free. That means that I am free to please thee. And I am going to please thee very much.

Jeannie:
Thou deceived me. I should turn thee into a serpent with two heads!

Major Nelson:
[Jeannie is wearing Tony's shirt] I wish you'd take my shirt off, Jeannie. [Jeannie begins to take off the shirt] No, no! I mean, I wish you'd put on your own clothes. [Jeannie transforms into her own clothes] Thanks. You're just not Air Force, Jeannie. I have a career. I have a fianc?e.

Jeannie:
'That One', she is made of ice. She could never make thee happy.

Jeannie:
For over 2000 years I've been in that bottle. And then... Then this hand released me. Oh, when I saw thy wise face, I cannot tell thee how much happiness thou hast brought to me.

Major Nelson:
How'd you get in that crazy bottle, anyway?

Jeannie:
Oh, a wicked and powerful jinn put me in there, because I would not marry him.

Jeannie:
Thou art the most stubborn and ungrateful master I have ever served.

Jeannie:
I wasn't talking to your wife, Sir. I was talking to your smoke.

Jeannie:
[Tony is studying hard for an exam] I do not know why you are bothering to study. In the test I can be a little voice whispering in your ear. Like this! [She nuzzles his ear]

Capt. Anthony Nelson:
[moves away, irritated] Jeannie, do you mind? Besides, what do you know about celestial navigation?

Jeannie:
Oh I happen to have learned a thing or two. From Galileo.

Capt. Anthony Nelson:
Galileo, huh? I should have known he didn't spend all his time looking at stars!

Capt. Anthony Nelson:
Jeannie, I'm home.

Jeannie:
I am out here, Master.

Capt. Anthony Nelson:
Boy, you should have seen me in the lab today. I was- [sees a bathing costume clad Jeannie is levitating on a towel out on the patio] Jeannie! [dashes outside] What are you- get off my towel! What if one of the neighbors sees you!

Jeannie:
Oh Master, you know how restful it is up here.

Capt. Anthony Nelson:
I know, I know but, come down here.

Jeannie:
[playfully] Come up here. [Blinks him into a pair of swimming trunks]

Capt. Anthony Nelson:
Take these trunks off! [Jeannie giggles] No, no! I didn't mean that!

Capt. Anthony Nelson:
[after a fight with Jeannie] You know, we have a custom on this planet called 'kiss and make up'.

Jeannie:
[turns towards him with an intrigued smile] I would know more of this custom.

Capt. Anthony Nelson:
I'm truly sorry. I'll never accuse you of anything like that again.

Jeannie:
[moving closer] You promise?

Capt. Anthony Nelson:
I promise. [they lean in and kiss]

Capt.:
[Jeannie has just reversed Tony's car straight into the side of Roger's car. He gets out of his car, furious] You idiot! You moron! [moves towards the driver's side] Look what you did? Boy, I have seen some stupid driving in my time but I've never seen [sees Jeannie for the first time] a more beautiful girl in my life! How about dinner tonight?

Jeannie:
I am so sorry. I did not see you. [she gets out of the car to inspect the damage]

Capt.:
[mesmerized] Oh, don't worry about it. I'll get another one. How about dinner tonight?

Jeannie:
[upset] I have broken the eye that shines in front!

Capt.:
Oh it's nothing. How about dinner tonight?

Jeannie:
[laughs] You are very persistent.

Capt.:
I'm also very loveable. How about dinner tonight?

Jeannie:
But I do not know anything about you.

Capt.:
What's there to know? I'm just your average, everyday astronaut.

Jeannie:
Astronaut? [realizes who he is] Ah, then you're a friend of...

Capt.:
Of who?

Jeannie:
Never mind. [smiles] I *will* have dinner with you tonight.

Capt.:
[All dressed up for his date with Diane, sees Jeannie who is also all dressed up] Jeannie! You look beautiful! What's the occasion?

Jeannie:
I have a date?

Capt.:
[unable to hide his dismay] With a man?

Jeannie:
They make the best dates.

Jeannie:
[while on a date, Tony is shocked to run into Jeannie on a date with Roger] Wait! The coffee may be too hot. [Holds Roger's coffee cup in her hands while Tony looks on jealously] It is just right. [gives Roger the cup]

Capt.:
[completely entranced by her] Don't wake me up. [Tony looks even more tortured at this]

Jeannie:
[smiles sweetly at him] I bet *you* would notice if you were having breakfast with a chimpanzee. [Glances knowingly at Tony]

Capt.:
[smiles shrewdly at Jeannie] Not if he were reading a newspaper.

Diane:
The thing I like about this conversation is, I don't know what anybody's saying

Jeannie:
[Jeannie has just found out that a jealous Tony tried to sabotage her date with Roger and is delighted] Oh Master, you *did* go to Captain Healey's!

Capt.:
[lightly] Only for a moment.

Jeannie:
[throws her arms around his neck and rests her head on his shoulder] Oh, you were worried about me!

Capt.:
[still attempting to be dismissive] A little bit. [More firmly] Jeannie, there's one thing that you have to remember about me.

Jeannie:
What is that?

Capt.:
[pauses then relents] I'm only human. [Kisses her passionately]

Capt. Anthony Nelson:
[after Jeannie turned herself into a chimpanzee in a bid for attention and he failed to notice] Jeannie, I'm sorry I didn't notice you were a chimpanzee.

Jeannie:
[sulking] I am just something that you order in and out of a bottle.

Capt. Anthony Nelson:
No, that's not true. You're a warm, wonderful woman. [Jeannie starts warming to him] As a matter of fact I think you're one of the most beautiful- [doorbell rings] Back in your bottle!

Jeannie:
[screams in frustration]

Capt. Anthony Nelson:
I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean it like that! [Jeannie smokes herself inside her bottle]

Jeannie:
[from inside the bottle, mutters something in her native language]

Capt. Anthony Nelson:
[speaking into bottle] Do me a favour, don't ever translate that.