I Love Lucy

Lucy Ricardo:
Ever since we said "I do", there have been so many things that we don't.

[When Ethel doesn't return to California hotel suite]

Fred Mertz:
Let's just hope for the best.

Lucy Ricardo:
Don't worry, Fred, Ethel'll come back.

Fred Mertz:
I said let's hope for the BEST.

Lucy Ricardo:
If some other woman were to take Fred away from you, you'd be singing a different tune, too.

Ethel Mertz:
Yeah, "Happy Days Are Here Again".

Ethel Mertz:
Oh, Lucy, I know you're not going to move, but if you ever do move, don't move.

Lucy Ricardo:
Eeeewwwww.

Lucy Ricardo:
Ricky, we're revolting.

Ricky Ricardo:
No more than usual.

[Lucy is feigning amnesia]

Lucy Ricardo:
My mother told me never to talk to strange men... whoever she is.

Ricky Ricardo:
Something's wrong with the electricity. My shaver isn't working.

Lucy Ricardo:
Something's wrong with the gas. My chicken isn't working.

Lucy Ricardo:
I made a funny?

[while Lucy is trying out the new mind reading act at Ricky's club:
]

Mindreader's assistant:
What is your date of birth?

Lucy Ricardo:
August 6th.

Mindreader's assistant:
August 6th what?

Lucy Ricardo:
August 6th period.

Ethel Mertz:
Gee, this high altitude sure gives me an appetite.

Fred Mertz:
What's your excuse at sea level?

Ethel Mertz:
Rome wasn't built in a day.

Fred Mertz:
Well, Rome wasn't built like you either.

Ethel Mertz:
Where you afraid you'd lose me?

Fred Mertz:
I'll say, that outfit you're wearing is rented.

Ricky Ricardo:
(losing his temper after Lucy screwed up his chance to be in a Broadway Play) You did what?

Lucy Ricardo:
I was only trying to help.

Ricky Ricardo:
(shouting) Help?

Lucy Ricardo:
HELP.

Ethel Mertz:
What are you writing about?

Lucy Ricardo:
I'm writing about things I know.

Ethel Mertz:
That won't be a novel that will be a short story

[while watching Lucy and Ricky kiss]

Ethel Mertz:
Isn't that sweet? Just like two lovebirds.

Fred Mertz:
What are you, a bird watcher?

[repeated line]

Ricky Ricardo:
Lucy! I'm Home!

Ricky Ricardo:
Who's that?

Fred Mertz:
Who's that? WHAT'S that?

Lucy Ricardo:
Ricky, I'd like you to meet my second first husband.

Ricky Ricardo:
[with heavy accent] I won't switch apartments. Understand?

Lucy Ricardo:
Yes.

Ricky Ricardo:
What did I say?

Lucy Ricardo:
"I wun't swish aparments".

Ricky Ricardo:
I don't like that tone. You are thinking again.

Lucy Ricardo:
There's no law about me going to Romanov's. Perhaps maybe stopping by your table and...

Ricky Ricardo:
Lucy, if I so much as see your face at Romanov's, I'm gonna wrap you up in brown paper and mail you back to New York. And that's an ultimatum.

Ethel Mertz:
An ultimatum? I'm not surprised.

Lucy Ricardo:
I am. I didn't think he knew how to pronounce it.

Ethel Mertz:
If I let my hair go like that you'd never let me hear the end of it.

Fred Mertz:
Honeybunch, if the rest of you looked like that I wouldn't care if you were bald.

Ethel Mertz:
There's lots of things you're good at.

Lucy Ricardo:
Like what?

Ethel Mertz:
Well, you're awfully good at... uh... You've always been great at...

Lucy Ricardo:
Those are the same ones Ricky came up with.

Ricky Ricardo:
How do spell s'perience?

Lucy Ricardo:
E-x-p

Ricky Ricardo:
E-x? You're kidding.

Lucy Ricardo:
How much do you want to bet?

Fred Mertz:
Ten dollars.

Ethel Mertz:
Well what's the matter with twenty dollars?

Ricky Ricardo:
What's the matter with thirty dollars?

Lucy Ricardo:
What's the matter with fifty dollars?

Fred Mertz:
What was the matter with ten dollars?

Fred Mertz:
We'll sue you.

Ricky Ricardo:
Yeah? We'll see who's gonna sue who.

Lucy Ricardo:
Yeah, we'll sue who's gonna see...

Lucy Ricardo:
Nurtz to Mertz

Ricky Ricardo:
Fred, I've got an awful problem on my hands.

Fred Mertz:
You should have thought about that before you married her.

Lucy Ricardo:
Will you at least wait for us?

Bus Driver:
Go ahead. TRY me.

Lucy Ricardo:
Go ahead. Try me. [Lucy was imitating the angry bus driver]

Lucy Ricardo:
I wish there were a place to sit where we could see both sides.

Bus Driver:
There is.

Lucy Ricardo:
Where?

Bus Driver:
I can strap you to the front of the bus.

Lucy Ricardo:
Well.

Lucy Ricardo:
[a large woman has just sat on Lucy] Madam, it doesn't seem to be getting through to you, but this seat is taken.

Lucy Ricardo:
How would you feel if Fred was smoldering with jealousy?

Ethel Mertz:
Fred wouldn't smolder if he banged into a blowtorch.

Ricky Ricardo:
We've got to use our brains.

Lucy Ricardo:
Well, let's see...

Ricky Ricardo:
You stay out of this.

Lucy Ricardo:
This whole thing is Ricky's fault.

Ricky Ricardo:
MY FAULT?

Lucy Ricardo:
Yeah, if you hadn't have left Cuba to come to America, we wouldn't have gotten married and we never would've come to Switzerland in the first place.

Ricky Ricardo:
This whole thing is my fault. Something I said that started this whole mess.

Lucy Ricardo:
What's that?

Ricky Ricardo:
"I do."

Ethel Mertz:
Fred, I'm sorry I said you were a dumb bunny.

Fred Mertz:
And I'm sorry you're so fat you sat on my glasses and broke'em.

Fred Mertz:
Now what are we supposed to do? Thumb a ride on a passing halibut?

Lucy Ricardo:
What are you? The Cuban television network?

Ricky Ricardo:
Yes. CBS. The Cuban Broadcasting System.

[Lucy is dressed as Lucille McGillicuddy, after tasting homemade salad dressing]

Lucy Ricardo:
What's Aunt Martha trying to do, poison me?

Lucy Ricardo:
[talking to Ethyl about Ricky] He's put his foot down so many times, I feel like I'm married to a cuban centipede.

Ricky Ricardo:
Did Ricky give you a tough day?

Lucy Ricardo:
No, just the same as any other day: after breakfast, I put on his snow suit. I pull on his galoshes. I slip on his mittens. I walk him to the park. He chases the pigeons. I chase after him. He runs after the squirrels. I run after him. He get's on the swing. I push the swing. We go on the teeter-totter. He teeters, I totter. Then we leave the park and we walk home. I pull off his galoshes. I pull off his mittens. I pull off his snow suit. I tell him to go into his room and play with his teddy bear. And that is why you find me sitting here with my coat and my boots on.

Ricky Ricardo:
Whew! I'm worn out from just listening.

Fred Mertz:
[working in a diner] Adam and Eve on a raft. Wreck'em!

Ethel Mertz:
All Fred's taste is in his mouth.

Lucy Ricardo:
Ah, that must be my good friend Ethel. Don't get up Fredrick, I'll get it.

Fred Mertz:
Get it? I was gonna lock it!

Ethel Mertz:
Let's let Ms. Trumble get a load of us.

[after seeing Ethel in a tight leopard print dress]

Fred Mertz:
I was waiting for Ethel to say Trick or Treat!

Lucy Ricardo:
You look like an ad for a trip around the world.

Lucy Ricardo:
Hey, Ethel. Guess what Ricky got me!

Ethel Mertz:
Um... let's see. A hat? A new dress?

Lucy Ricardo:
Oh Ethel better! Think about what every woman wants from her husband!

Ethel Mertz:
A divorce?

Ethel Mertz:
[does not believe that Lucy got her black eye when Ricky accidentally tossed her a book with poor aim, and suspects abuse instead] This is Ethel, your friend, to whom you may turn in time of crisis.

Lucy Ricardo:
Ethel, have you been drinking?

Lucy's Doctor from Jamestown:
Hello, Mr. Ricardo. I'm the man who brought your wife into the world!

Ricky Ricardo:
I don't know whether to thank you or punch you in the nose!

Ethel Mertz:
I refuse to go anywhere with someone who thinks I am a hippopotamus.

Ricky Ricardo:
Lucy, is this true?

Lucy Ricardo:
No, I just implied that she was a little hippy... though she has got the biggest potamus I've ever seen.

Ricky Ricardo:
Fred, how often is Ethel's checking account overdrawn?

Fred Mertz:
Never.

Ricky Ricardo:
Never? How do you manage that?

Ethel Mertz:
It's easy. I never had enough money at one time to open a checking account.

Fred Mertz:
She spends money like I'm printing it in the basement!

Ricky Ricardo:
[sees pancakes on his plate] Hey! Tortillas!

Lucy Ricardo:
[sarcastically] Yeah. I made them out of Aunt Jemima Tortilla Mix.

Ricky Ricardo:
Oh, I keep forgetting here in America you call them Flap Cakes.

Lucy Ricardo:
Come again?

Ricky Ricardo:
Hot Jacks?

Lucy Ricardo:
You were closer with tortillas. They are Hot Cakes!

Ricky Ricardo:
Oh!

[tastes some]

Ricky Ricardo:
No, these are Cold Cakes.

Lucy Ricardo:
[Lucy gets caught spying on the neighbors] I was, uh... bird-watching!

Ricky Ricardo:
Bird-watching?

Lucy Ricardo:
Uh, yeah! Do you know that there's a yellow-bellied woodpecker on our lawn?

Ricky Ricardo:
No, but I know that there's a red-headed cuckoo in the living room.

Ricky Ricardo:
[in a heavy Spanish accent] You two are too nosy!

Lucy Ricardo:
We are not nuzzy!

Lucy Ricardo:
Did I get any suntan?

Ricky Ricardo:
No.

Lucy Ricardo:
Oh, darn it.

Ricky Ricardo:
[with his thick accent] Honey, why don't you forget about getting a suntan. You always get burned with your fair skin.

Lucy Ricardo:
My fur skin?

Lucy Ricardo:
[listening to a doctor's diagnosis] I got the Gobloots from a Blu-Shoo bird?

Ricky Ricardo:
I can't afford it.

Lucy Ricardo:
Those must have been the first English words you learned.

Ricky Ricardo:
How do you like that guy? [imitating Fred] 'Let's keep it down up there!' Well, nertz to the Mertz.

Lucy Ricardo:
Yeah.

Lucy Ricardo:
[on the phone to Ethel] Hello, this is the Ajax salvage company, we buy old glass, I understand you have some rings you're interested in selling?

Lucy Ricardo:
[to Ricky] Think harder, we can be nastier than that.

Ricky Ricardo:
Honey I won't be home until late tonight. I have to rehearse down at the club.

Lucy Ricardo:
Ricky, why don't you hold the rehearsal here?

Ricky Ricardo:
Honey are you crazy? I got a 16 piece band, I'll blow the roof off the joint!

Lucy Ricardo:
Well? It doesn't look like rain.

Ricky Ricardo:
[thinks about it] I'll do it!

Lucy Ricardo:
[Ricky wants the window closed] A little air's not going to hurt you you hot house plant.

Lucy Ricardo:
Ethel was just up here and she made me so darn mad.

Ricky Ricardo:
What now?

Lucy Ricardo:
She said they're going to hold us to our lease. We have to pay them five month's rent before we can leave. I guess we're stuck here.

Ricky Ricardo:
Well, now, that all depends.

Lucy Ricardo:
On what?

Ricky Ricardo:
On whether we can break the lease or not. We are going to become the two most unpleasant, disagreeable nasty people in the whole world.

Lucy Ricardo:
How?

Ricky Ricardo:
We'll force ourselves.

Lucy Ricardo:
Time to make another call to Ethel.

[Dials]

Lucy Ricardo:
Hey, get this.

[In disguised voice]

Lucy Ricardo:
Hello, this is the Ajax Salvage Company. We buy old glass, I understand you have some rings that you're interested in selling.

Ricky Ricardo:
Ha ha ha ha!

[Fires air hammer into the phone]

Ricky Ricardo:
I won't be home tonight. I've got to rehearse a couple of hours after the club closes.

Lucy Ricardo:
Why don't you have the rehearsal here?

Ricky Ricardo:
Are you crazy? I've got a 16 piece band. I'll blow the roof off the joint.

Lucy Ricardo:
Well... It doesn't look like rain.

Ricky Ricardo:
I'll do it.

[Ricky screams at seeing the disfigured monstrosity of his brick grill]

Ricky Ricardo:
AHHHH! What happened to my beautiful Bar-B-Q?

Lucy Ricardo:
[nervous] Uh... I don't know. An earthquake?

Ricky Ricardo:
They don't have earthquakes in Connecticut!

Lucy Ricardo:
A tornado?

Ricky Ricardo:
They don't have tornadoes in Connecticut!

Lucy Ricardo:
Boy, this is a dull state!

Ricky Ricardo:
I'll tell you what it was. I think it was a couple of hurricanes. Hurricane Lucy and Hurricane Ethel!

Ricky Ricardo:
[From unboarding on the deserted beach, Ricky looks at a lot of coconuts on the sand] Hey, they have *CACA Nuts* here.

Ricky Ricardo:
*CACA Nuts*?

Lucy McGillicuddy Ricardo:
[Lucy looks at the coconuts] Oh, yes, a lot of *CACA Nuts*.

Ricky Ricardo:
[while Lucy thinks that Ricky is going into the army while Ricky thinks Lucy is pregnant] Me, father?

Fred Mertz:
Yeah. You, father. Lucy, mother. Me, Tarzan.

Fred Mertz:
Some people build model airplanes. Ethel reads postcards.

Ricky Ricardo:
Have you ever heard Lucy sing?

Fred Mertz:
No.

Ricky Ricardo:
Our fighting men have been through enough.

Ethel Mertz:
Fred just told me he's going with Ricky, Monday!

Lucy Ricardo:
What?

Ethel Mertz:
Wouldn't tell me where, bless his fat little heart!

Lucy Ricardo:
You mean he's been drafted?

Ethel Mertz:
No! They're not that hard up! He must have enlisted.

Ricky Ricardo:
Lucy's been acting strange lately!

Fred Mertz:
Strange? How can you tell?

Lucy Ricardo:
[to Ethel, after they fight] Happy Birthday, and I hope you live another 75 years!

Ethel Mertz:
She said I looked like a hippopatamus.

Lucy Ricardo:
I merely intimated that she was a little hippy but on second glance she does have the biggest potamus I've ever seen.

Fred Mertz:
She said my mother looks like a weasel.

Lucy Ricardo:
Ethel, apologize.

Ethel Mertz:
I'm sorry your mother looks like a weasel.

Lucy Ricardo:
[Lucy does not want to meet William Holden after an embarrassing incident at the Brown Derby] He never did appeal to me.

Ricky Ricardo:
What are you talking about? The whole way here I heard nothing but "Bill Holden, Bill Holden."

Lucy Ricardo:
Yeah, well... I'm fickle.

Employment Agent:
What did you have in mind?

Lucy Ricardo:
What kind of jobs do you have open?

Employment Agent:
Well what do you do?

Lucy Ricardo:
What kind of jobs do you have open?

Employment Agent:
Well what do you do?

Lucy Ricardo:
What kind of jobs do you have open?

Employment Agent:
You go first this time.

Lucy Ricardo:
Alright, what do you do?

Employment Agent:
What kind of jobs do you have... Oh. Cut it out.

Ricky Ricardo:
How much rice do you think we should use for four people?

Fred Mertz:
I don't know. People do like that stuff.

Ricky Ricardo:
How does one pound per person sound?

Fred Mertz:
Sounds about right.

Ricky Ricardo:
That's good because that's what I put in: four pounds.

Ricky Ricardo:
Say, what do you know about rice?

Fred Mertz:
Well, I had it thrown at me on one of the darkest days of my life.

Ricky Ricardo:
What have you got there?

Fred Mertz:
I brought my cake. Seven layers of luscious Devil's Food. Wait til you see it.

[Fred takes off the cake cover to reveal a cake barely one inch thick]

Ricky Ricardo:
What happened to the other seven layers?

Fred Mertz:
They're all there. Some just... didn't rise very much.

Ricky Ricardo:
Well, it doesn't matter. You can put on a lot of frosting.

Fred Mertz:
What do you mean "put on"? The frosting's already in it.

Ricky Ricardo:
In it?

Fred Mertz:
Yeah, I mixed it all up together before I baked the cake. Isn't that how it's supposed to turn out?

Ricky Ricardo:
No, I don't think so, Fred. Well, maybe you should wait until breakfast and serve it as a pancake.

Ricky Ricardo:
[Lucy is angry at Ricky and will not speak or acknowledge him] Honey, could you please make my breakfast? [She ignores him] Lucy, why won't you answer me? [She still ignores him] What do you want me to do, starve to death?

Lucy Ricardo:
Would you, please?

[after many takes - and many spoonfuls of Vitameatavegamin... containing alcohol]

Lucy Ricardo:
Well, I'm your Vitavigavegivat Girl. Are you tired, run down, listless? Do you pop out at parties? Are you unpoopular?

[pause]

Lucy Ricardo:
Well, are you? The answer to all your problems is in this little ol' bottle, Vitameatavegamin.

[Checks the bottle label]

Lucy Ricardo:
That's it. Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins, meat, megetables and vinerals. So why don't you join the thousands of happy peppy people and get a great big bottle of Vitaveatyvemeanyminimoe. I'll tell you what you have to do. You have to take a whole tablespoonful after every meal. It's so tasty too. It's just like candy.

[Takes a bit of time, if not too much, trying to sample the liquid. Finally... ]

Lucy Ricardo:
[slurred speech] So everybody get a bottle of...

[pointing at the bottle]

Lucy Ricardo:
This stuff.

Lucy Ricardo:
How'd you know all that stuff?

Ricky Ricardo:
Who do you think you married, some country pumpkin?

Ricky Ricardo:
[confessing to Lucy he didn't know the answers] All I know is Colombus discover' Ohio in 1776.

Lucy Ricardo:
If Ricky had been on that show he would've won $300, $100 for every question.

Ethel Mertz:
Gosh, three brand new clean, crisp, green, one hundred dollar bills.

Lucy Ricardo:
Is that how you're seeing it? I'm picturing it as pennies and I'm running through them in my bare feet.

Lucy Ricardo:
[Ricky finds out they're going on the radio program] I didn't know you were faking, I thought you were some kind of overgrown Cuban quiz kid.

Ricky Ricardo:
They taught American History in Cuba too.

Lucy Ricardo:
Well apparently they taught you better. I do all I can to remember there's 46 states.

Ethel Mertz:
48.

Lucy Ricardo:
Oh yeah, I must've forgotten Alaska and Hawaii.

Ricky Ricardo:
Look, all I know is that Columbus discovered Ohio in 1776.

Ricky Ricardo:
The dragon is comin'! The dragon is comin'!

Mayor:
Throw the McGillicuddy to it!

Lucy Ricardo:
No, no, I don't have to be eaten! No, no, I don't have to be eaten! Scotty said he would fight the dragon for me! Didn't you, Scotty?

Ricky Ricardo:
Well...

Lucy Ricardo:
What do you mean, 'well'? You just said for Bonnie Annie Lucy, you would lay you down and die!

Ricky Ricardo:
I said no such thin'. I said I'd lay me doon and dee.

Lucy Ricardo:
Well, that's what 'doon and dee' means!

Ricky Ricardo:
Are you kiddin'?

Mayor:
When you meet a McGillicuddy comin' through the rye, then ya got a real buddy who for you would die! There's nothin' a McGillicuddy would not do for ye!

Lucy Ricardo:
Some cousins of my mother's - are they around here yet?

Mayor:
Er - McGillicuddy brothers?

Lucy Ricardo:
Aye!

Mayor:
Hail fellas well et!

Lucy Ricardo:
I would say "okay", that's a swell way to get off to a lousy start!

Percy Livermore:
Percy: There are two words that I want you to promise me you will never use. One of these is "swell", the other one is "lousy".

Fred Mertz:
Fred: Well, tell us the lousy one first!

Fred Mertz:
See you at recess, Ricky. The last one to the seesaw is a rotten egg!

Lucy Ricardo:
[Sets food in living room; Rick enters] Oh, hi Ricky. Eh... I thought you'd never get here...

Ricky Ricardo:
[Check watch] Whaddya talkin' about? I'm ten minutes early.

Lucy Ricardo:
[Stares off dreamily] Oh... Uh h-hows everything darling.

Ricky Ricardo:
[Sifts through mail] Everything's terrible.

Lucy Ricardo:
[Smiles, unknowing what Ricky said] Oh, good.

Ricky Ricardo:
[pause] Good? I said everything was terrible.

Lucy Ricardo:
[Looks at Ricky] Huh? Oh, terrible?

Ricky Ricardo:
Yeah, terrible. [Puts mail down] I don't think I'll put on another night club show as long as I live... [Paces about the room] The lights are all wrong, the costumes are all wrong, *nobody* knows their number! [Shakes his head] Nothing good happened today...

Lucy Ricardo:
Oh, it will, dear. Why don't you sit down. [She seats Ricky on the couch] See? I made lunch in here, it's more... cozey and comfortable.

Ricky Ricardo:
[Smiles and reaches for platter] Oh, gee honey; that looks wonderful - [Lucy almost sits on his out-strecthed arms; he looks at her]

Lucy Ricardo:
Maybe you should relax a little. [Sits him back again]

Ricky Ricardo:
No, it's okay, I'm just hungry, honey - [She sits on his arms again as he reaches for the food]

Lucy Ricardo:
[Sits him back again] Sit back, dear. [Sits on his lap and wraps her arms around him; Ricky takes a bite of food in his hand] Ricky... darling...

Ricky Ricardo:
[Muffled full of food] What ith it, honey?

Lucy Ricardo:
Put that away. [Takes food out of his hand] Now, swallow that. [Ricky pain-stakingly does so; Lucy puts her arms around him a second time] Ricky... Ricky Darling - [Ricky takes food from his other hand, chews it openly and looks back at Lucy] Ricky, do you have to eat *now*?

Ricky Ricardo:
Well, honey it's lunch time. You fix me a beautiful lunch.

Lucy Ricardo:
Well, just wait a minute. Now, swallow that.

Ricky Ricardo:
[Eyes widen as he forces to swallow] My stomach is gonna think I lost my teeth.

Lucy Ricardo:
[Wraps her arms around him again] Ricky... Darling - [telephone rings; Lucy glares at it and holds Ricky closer while pouting slightly]

Ricky Ricardo:
Uh, honey the phone's ringin'.

Lucy Ricardo:
I know it...

Ricky Ricardo:
Well, honey, *one* of us has to get up and answer it.

Lucy Ricardo:
No. [Ricky motions to get up] No, let it ring.

Ricky Ricardo:
[Gently slides her off while looking intently at the phone] Oh, now, come on, honey. It might be important. Come on... [Lucy groans in disapointment and sits down on the couch while Ricky answers the phone]

Ethel Mertz:
[Enters happily] I saw Ricky leaving; that didn't take too long. What'd he say?

Lucy Ricardo:
[Sadly] Nothing. I haven't told him yet...

Ethel Mertz:
You *didn't*? Why not?

Lucy Ricardo:
Because I kept being interrupted by... telephones and sandwiches and... [Looks at Ethel] certain busy-bodies.

Ethel Mertz:
[Crosses her arms] Well, thanks...

Lucy Ricardo:
I'm sorry. [Looks down] I guess I didn't mean that...

Ethel Mertz:
[Smiles] Oh, that's alright. You're bound to be cranky in your condition.

Lucy Ricardo:
[Quickly looks at Ethel] I AM *NOT* CRANKY!

Ethel Mertz:
[Smiles and nods] Sure.

Lucy McGillicuddy Ricardo:
[dressed as a Martian woman on the Empire State Building] It's a moo-moo!

Lucy Ricardo:
We have to find Sylvia Collins a husband but where?

Ethel Mertz:
I'll make the sacrifice. She can have mine.

Ethel Mertz:
Imagine me meeting a Queen face to face, I'm scared.

Fred Mertz:
You're scared? Think of the Queen!

Ethel Mertz:
What's the matter?

Lucy Ricardo:
You're looking at a future doornail.

Ethel Mertz:
Huh?

Lucy Ricardo:
Ricky just tried to kill me.

Ethel Mertz:
[smiling] Really? Then I'm a better fortune teller than I thought! [pauses] What am I saying? What are you talking about?

Lucy Ricardo:
I overheard him on the phone! He's been planning this a long time, and he finally decided to do it! Last night was just a dress rehearsal.

Ethel Mertz:
Oh, no, Lucy, you must have just misunderstood him.

Lucy Ricardo:
No, I didn't, he took a shot at me already, but he missed!

Ethel Mertz:
[They look for a bullet hole] Was that the noise I heard just now?

Lucy Ricardo:
Yeah, he bought a gun specially for it. Let's see if it's in that desk!

Ethel Mertz:
[Lucy finds a gun in the desk] Oh, you poor thing!

Lucy Ricardo:
[Lucy picks up an ink blotter] Ricky wrote something when he was talking on the phone and he blotted it on this blotter!

Ethel Mertz:
[Moves away from the desk] Where are you going?

Lucy Ricardo:
The mirror!

Ethel Mertz:
Mirror? Oh, so you can read it! My, you're clever!

Lucy Ricardo:
I don't read mystery books for nothing.

Ethel Mertz:
[Reading the list] Helen, Anne, Mary... What does it mean?

Lucy Ricardo:
[Wailing] I'm not even cold yet and Ricky's lining up girls to take my place! Helen, Anne, Mary, Cynthia, Alice, Theodore. [Turns to Ethel] THEODORE!

Ricky Ricardo:
Lucy's acting crazy!

Fred Mertz:
Crazy for Lucy or crazy for ordinary people?

Lucy Ricardo:
[Thinking Ricky has poisoned her] Ricky, no matter what you've done, I forgive you. [She collapses]

Ricky Ricardo:
Thank you!

Lucy Ricardo:
[Dragging herself back up before falling down again] You're welcome.

Ricky Ricardo:
Geez! That's a powerful sleeping powder!

Lucy Ricardo:
[Standing up] Sleeping powder? Ha! The sleep from which no-one returns.

Ricky Ricardo:
Oh, honey, come on, you better lie down. Let me help you lie down! Lie down, honey, lie down!

Lucy Ricardo:
Don't rush me! I'll be lying down for a long, long time. [Falls asleep on the couch]

Lucy Ricardo:
Lets see, it was either the upstairs maid, or the butler, or the cook.

Ricky Ricardo:
It was her husband.

Lucy Ricardo:
Her husband? He didn't have any reason to do it.

Ricky Ricardo:
He was married wasn't he?

Lucy Ricardo:
I got a Mickey from Ricky.

Little Ricky Ricardo:
Today is ladies' day, daddy. Ladies and little boys get in free!

[last lines]

Bob Hope:
Hey, I may never go back to NBC.

Superman:
You mean to tell me that you've been married to her for 15 years?

Ricky Ricardo:
Yes, 15 years!

Superman:
And they call *me* Superman.

Ricky Ricardo:
[yelling at Lucy because she is out on the ledge] In the fifteen years that we've been married...

Superman:
Wait a minute Mr. Ricardo, do you mean to tell me that you've been married to her for fifteen years?

Ricky Ricardo:
Yes, fifteen years.

Superman:
And they call me Superman.

Superman:
How long have you been married?

Ricky Ricardo:
15 years.

Superman:
And they call me Superman!

Ethel Mertz:
[Lucy has a loving cup for Johnny Longden stuck on her head, and has to get to the Tropicana to give it to longden shortly] Lucy, does heat make metal contract or expand?

Lucy Ricardo:
Expand, I think. Why?

Ethel Mertz:
That's it! We'll put your head in the oven!

Lucy Ricardo:
Oh fine.

Ethel Mertz:
Well, don't you like the idea?

Lucy Ricardo:
It's great. Why don't you stick an apple in my mouth and barbecue me?

Ethel Mertz:
Lucy, I have never ridden on a subway in my blue jeans, and I'm not gonna start now.

Ethel Mertz:
Fred, I got a confession to make. Remember when we got married and I said I was 18. I was 19.

Fred Mertz:
Well I got a confession to make too. You were 24.

[inside an Italian train with a cramped seat Fred's asleep]

Ethel Mertz:
Fred, Fred, wake up sleeping beauty.

Lucy Ricardo:
You couldn't wake him up with a stick of dynamite.

Ethel Mertz:
Hey I got an idea

[yells]

Ethel Mertz:
Hey look there goes Gina Lollobrigida.

Fred Mertz:
[gets up from his seat excited] Where? Where? Where?

Lucy Ricardo:
I'm living on borrowed time. It was only by a very clever ruse that I managed to escape from their apartment.

Police Sergeant:
What was that?

Lucy Ricardo:
I pretended to be a chair.

Police Sergeant:
I don't think the police can help you madam, why don't you call an upholsterer?

Lucy Ricardo:
They're going to kill us.

Police Sergeant:
Why would they do that?

Lucy Ricardo:
So they can assume our identities and blow up the capitol.

Police Sergeant:
This is serious.

Lucy Ricardo:
You're darned right it is! These people are spies from a foreign enemy agent.

Police Sergeant:
What are their names?

Lucy Ricardo:
O'Brien!

Police Sergeant:
Lady, have you been nipping the cooking sherry?

Lucy Ricardo:
What do I do?

Police Sergeant:
Don't worry madam, just relax, and one day you may grow up to be a nice big sofa!

Lucy Ricardo:
10 o' clock in the living room and all's well!

Ricky Ricardo:
10 o' clock in the bedroom and all is well!

Fred Mertz:
10 o' clock in the hallway and all's well!

Ethel Mertz:
[muffled] 10 o' clock in the kitchen and all's well!

Lucy Ricardo:
Kitchen inspector. [Ethel comes out with a turkey leg]

Ethel Mertz:
Yes sir?

Lucy Ricardo:
Ethel, are you eating on duty?

Ethel Mertz:
No sir.

Lucy Ricardo:
What's that?

Ethel Mertz:
Oh uh, well I'm not very good with a gun so I thought if anybody came in the back door I'd beat 'em to death.

Lucy Ricardo:
I hope he gets here before you eat your club away.

Fred Mertz:
[entering living room] Ho, hee, ho.

Lucy Ricardo:
Fred, what're you doing away from your post?

Fred Mertz:
I'm hungry! And I demand transfer to kitchen. [Ricky enters]

Lucy Ricardo:
What do you want?

Ricky Ricardo:
I'm lonesome in there all by myself!

Ricky Ricardo:
Lucy, were you snooping?

Lucy Ricardo:
Yes I was a bad girl and you can spank me tomorrow if there's anything left to spank!

Ethel Mertz:
What's she doing with a hatchet?

Lucy Ricardo:
[imitating Edna] Oh didn't I tell you to bring a hatchet?

Radio announcer:
And now for the latest bulletin in the Evelyn Holmby case. Police believe that Evelyn Holmby, famous gray haired hatchet murderess, who escaped from New York State Prison, Thursday, to be heading south in a cream colored convertible coupe. Now back to our regular program. [Lucy turns off the radio]

Ethel Mertz:
What'd you turn it off for?

Lucy Ricardo:
Did you hear what he said?

Ethel Mertz:
Yeah so what?

Lucy Ricardo:
Which way are we heading?

Ethel Mertz:
South.

Lucy Ricardo:
Exactly. Gray haired, cream colored convertible.

Ethel Mertz:
Oh Lucy, that's just a coincidence.

Lucy Ricardo:
But think, it all fits. Likes to drive around in the dark, won't stop at motels, uses back roads. Just why do you suppose she uses back roads?

Ethel Mertz:
She told us, to save time.

Lucy Ricardo:
Oh sure, she uses back roads to avoid the police!

Ethel Mertz:
Oh Lucy, the woman they're looking for is a hatchet murderess. She doesn't look like a...

Lucy Ricardo, Ethel Mertz:
Hatchet!

Ethel Mertz:
We're just jumping to conclusions. She brought the hatchet along to uh... to uh...

Lucy Ricardo:
To what? Chop watercrest? Ethel that woman definitely has a criminal face. She's REALLY that Evelyn Holmby the police are looking for.

Ethel Mertz:
No!

Lucy Ricardo:
Yes! And we've got to make a break for it.

Mrs. Edna Grundy:
I was just admiring your hair, do you dye?

Ethel Mertz:
[waking up] WHO DIED?

Lucy Ricardo:
My hair.

Lucy Ricardo:
Ricky, I'm in the Bastille!

Lucy Ricardo:
Waiter, this food has snails in it!

[after repeating what Ricky has said]

Ricky Ricardo:
There's no need making fun of my English.

Lucy Ricardo:
That's English?

[first lines]

Narrator:
In this city live Lucy and Ricky Ricardo. Of course, you know Ricky as the famous orchestra leader and singer. And Lucy is the famous, um, well she's... her hair is very red. And she's married to Ricky.

Lucy Ricardo:
I want the names to be unique and euphonious.

Ricky Ricardo:
Okay. Unique if it's a boy, and Euphonious if it's a girl.

Ethel:
Common sense has nothing to do with it. When I say he's wrong, he's wrong.

Ricky Ricardo:
[to Fred] You be Lucy. Hi honey, I've got great news, I'm going to Europe.

Fred Mertz:
[high pitched voice] Europe! [screams and jumps up and down hugging Ricky, goes to the phone] Helen, I'm going to Europe, goodbye! [hangs up]

Ricky Ricardo:
Lucy won't do that.

Fred Mertz:
Are we talking about the same Lucy?

Fred Mertz:
[to Ricky, arguing about Lucy's behavior] My Lucy has red hair and blue eyes, what's yours look like?

Lucy Ricardo:
Give her the money, Ethel.

Ethel Mertz:
Give her the money? Is she coming with us?

Lucy Ricardo:
Have you studied your German?

Fred Mertz:
Jawohl, Fr?ulein.

Lucy Ricardo:
Hey, that's wonderful.

Fred Mertz:
Geben Sie mir ein Glas Weizenbier. [pronounced light ununderstandable at the end]

Lucy Ricardo:
Hey, that's great. What does it mean?

Ethel Mertz:
What do you think it means? Give me a glass of beer.

Lucy Ricardo:
Is this all, he'd learned?

Ethel Mertz:
No, he had learned how to order nine different kinds of beer. Oh, we'll have some interesting time in Germany.

Lucy Ricardo:
[the Ricardos and the Mertzes are going to Europ] Have you studied your German?

Fred Mertz:
Jawohl, Fr?ulein

Lucy Ricardo:
Hey, that's wonderful

Fred Mertz:
Geben Sie mir ein Glas Weizenbier [pronounced light ununderstandable at the end]

Lucy Ricardo:
Hey, that's great. What does it mean?

Ethel Mertz:
What do you think it means? Give me a glass of beer.

Lucy Ricardo:
Is this all, he'd learned?

Ethel Mertz:
No, he had learned how to order nine different kinds of beer. Oh, we'll have some interesting time in Germany.

Ethel Mertz:
[the clerk told Ethel, that he's closed in a few minutes] I'm a taxes-paying citizien. I'm gonna report you in Washington and than you see, how long you hold this job.

Passport Clerk:
It's a civil-office-job. If you want to get me fired, you'll have to wait until the day I'll die.

Fred Mertz:
[last line in the episode, Fred is talking to the Clerk] Hey, you can go now. [puts the plug of the clock into the socket]

Cousin Ernie:
[Lucy was dressed as a "Wicked City Woman", 'in Ernie's Dictionary' to Ernie, attempting to scare him off, but he is now chasing her and trying to find her] City woman, where are you at, you little heifer? I'll find you, if I have to stay here the rest of my born days.

Lucy Ricardo:
Why are you Frenchmen so Amourous?

Jean Valijean Raymand:
I don't know; just fortunate, I guess

Lucy Ricardo:
There's just two things keeping me from dancing in that show.

Fred Mertz:
Your feet?

Ricky Ricardo:
[Fred crosses his fingers] What's that for?

Fred Mertz:
Well, I'm always hoping that this time'll be the charm.

Ricky Ricardo:
What do you mean?

Fred Mertz:
Ethel keeps goin' out to put on a new face, but she always comes back with the old one.

Ethel Mertz:
I'm sorry, Fred, but I'm about to dethrone you as King of the apache dancers.

Fred Mertz:
You're a little late, I've just abdicated.

Jean Valijean Raymand:
Oh, madame, but you have such a beautiful hand!

Lucy Ricardo:
Oh, really? Well I have another one just like it!

Jean Valijean Raymand:
Oh, but you don't understand, madame! The apache dance is a dance of amour. One must warm up to it.

Lucy Ricardo:
Yeah, well I think you started warming up on the way over here!

Jean Valijean Raymand:
I can't help it. I can't help that there's a pounding in my heart.

Lucy Ricardo:
You don't watch out, there'll be a pounding on your head!

Ricky Ricardo:
Listen, Professor, can you play that thin'?

Lucy Ricardo:
What thin?

Ricky Ricardo:
Never mind makin' fun of my English.

Lucy Ricardo:
That's English?

Lucy Ricardo:
Hello, I'm looking for Risky Riskardo.

Ricky Ricardo:
Oh, well I'm Ricky Ricardo.

Lucy Ricardo:
Oh nice to meet you, do you know where I can find Risky Riskardo?

Ricky Ricardo:
Can you play that instrument there?

Lucy Ricardo:
Where?

Ricky Ricardo:
[points] There.

Lucy Ricardo:
Where?

Ricky Ricardo:
There.

Lucy Ricardo:
[follows his arm, looks to the cello] Oh! That instrument!

Ricky Ricardo:
Can you play it?

Lucy Ricardo:
Oh, well... naaah!

[Ricky and Lucy are doing a show together]

Ricky Ricardo:
Hey, Lucy, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the theater.

Lucy Ricardo:
What?

Ricky Ricardo:
Some tramp comes up to me on the street and says he hadn't had a bite in three days.

Lucy Ricardo:
What did you do, bite him?

[Audience laughs]

[Ricky and Lucy are doing a show together]

Ricky Ricardo:
I've got a joke you never heard in your life. I know a girl who's so dumb she thinks a football coach has four wheels. Ha ha ha.

[Audience is silent]

Lucy Ricardo:
How many wheels does it have?

[Audience laughs]

[Ricky and Lucy are doing a show together]

Ricky Ricardo:
Hey, Lucy, did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory?

Lucy Ricardo:
I'll bet some heel started it.

Ricky Ricardo:
You're supposed to say, "What happened?"

Lucy Ricardo:
What's that?

Ricky Ricardo:
What happened?

Lucy Ricardo:
200 soles were lost.

Ethel Mertz:
I'm not gonna do it!

Lucy Ricardo:
You haven't even heard my idea!

Ethel Mertz:
You thought it up. That's enough for me.

Ricky Ricardo:
Now what do you think this pleasant surprise could be?

Fred Mertz:
Maybe they're leaving us?

Lucy Ricardo:
[Lucy, dressed in a stunning, skin-tight evening gown prances into the room, showing off her new glamorous look] May I have a light, please? Thanks awfully, darling.

Ricky Ricardo:
Who is that?

Fred Mertz:
It looks like Lucy.

Ricky Ricardo:
Lucy?

Lucy Ricardo:
Yes, dah-ling?

Ricky Ricardo:
It is Lucy.

Fred Mertz:
Well, what do you know.

Lucy Ricardo:
[Door buzzer sounds] That must be my dear friend, Ethel. Please Fred, I'll open the door.

Fred Mertz:
Open it? I was going to LOCK it!

Lucy Ricardo:
Oh my dear fellow. You have such a refreshing wit. [Opens door]

Ethel Mertz:
[Ethel strolls in, dressed in a tight leopard skin evening gown] I hope I didn't hold up the party.

Lucy Ricardo:
Not at all, darling. Do come in.

Ricky Ricardo:
[Can't believe his eyes regarding Ethel's transformation] Who's that?

Fred Mertz:
Who's that? WHAT'S that?

Lucy Ricardo:
[getting weighed] How much do I weigh?

Ricky Ricardo:
47 pounds and stop leaning on me.

Ethel Mertz:
What if I cried every time I put on a pound?

Fred Mertz:
We'd be up to our ears in tears.

Ricky Ricardo:
[Lucy was hiding under the table with the dog to steal tablescraps] What do you have to say for yourself?

Lucy Ricardo:
[holds her hands up like a dog] Arf arf arf!

Lucy Ricardo:
I'm going to get rid of this fat if I have to chop it off with a cleaver.

Lucy Ricardo:
It's all your fault.

Ricky Ricardo:
My fault?

Lucy Ricardo:
Yes. Yelling all those crazy things at me.

Ricky Ricardo:
That was diner talk. Like Fred did.

Lucy Ricardo:
Yeah well,

[about to cry]

Lucy Ricardo:
the next time you want hamburgers without onions, ask for hamburgers without onions. Don't stand there and yell, "Bring the bull in the ring and laugh in his face!"

Ethel Mertz:
Three!

Lucy Ricardo:
Two!

Ethel Mertz:
One! One cent hamburgers.

Fred Mertz:
Ethel, are you out of your mind?

Ethel Mertz:
Well I thought this could get'em.

Fred Mertz:
One cent hamburgers.

Customer:
[Gives Ethel one dollar] I'd like a 100 hamburgers.

Lucy Ricardo:
It's seventy-nine cents a pound.

Customer:
How can you sell meat so cheap?

Lucy Ricardo:
I'm glad you asked that. We rope, we brand, we butcher. We do everything but eat it for you. Seventy-nine cents a pound.

Fred Mertz:
[Fred and Ethel think Ricky has bought Lucy a mink coat] What are you trying to do, make a bum out of me?

Ethel Mertz:
Don't blame him. You were a bum before he was born.

Fred Mertz:
Oh, yeah?

Ethel Mertz:
Yeah!

[Lucy and Ethel come out from the kitchen; Ricky and Fred stand up]

Lucy Ricardo:
What's the matter? What are you standing up for?

Ricky Ricardo:
Because two gorgeous ladies entered the room.

Lucy Ricardo:
They did? Where?

Ethel Mertz:
They mean us.

Lucy Ricardo:
Oh! You great big latin lover you! [she pinches Ricky's cheek]

Ethel Mertz:
Oh! You sweet, handsome man you! [she pinches Fred's cheek]

Ricky Ricardo:
You gorgeous, exciting, woman you! [he pinches Lucy's cheek]

Fred Mertz:
I pass.

Ricky Ricardo:
What do you know about rice?

Fred Mertz:
Well, I had it thrown at me on one of the darkest days in my life.

Ethel Mertz:
You sure weren't very smart throwing all those Roman candles and sky rockets into the fireplace.

Lucy Ricardo:
Well who uses a fireplace in the middle of July? Besides he should've looked where he threw that match.

Ethel Mertz:
[as gangsters] Get any of them?

Lucy Ricardo:
Yeah two, a private eye and a flat foot, I got the eye in the foot and the foot in the eye.

Lucy Ricardo:
Well it all started when I was a little girl. I was riding around on the streetcar and I looked up and there was a box and it said take one. So I took one.

Dr. Tom Robinson:
Well there was nothing wrong with that.

Lucy Ricardo:
Oh yes there waaaas. From then on, I took anything that came into my pretty hands, even though it didn't say take one. I took a bright new penny, I took a bicycle, I took a little boy!

Dr. Tom Robinson:
You took a little boy?

Lucy Ricardo:
Yeah, but my mother made me give him back!

Fred Mertz:
You don't think she's a kleptomaniac do you?

Ricky Ricardo:
No, I think she just steals.

Fred Mertz:
[Ricky finds blueprints] What is it?

Ricky Ricardo:
The Shashe National Bank!

Dr. Tom Robinson:
Oh no. That's where I keep my money! Oh this is serious!

Ricky Ricardo:
I need a copy of the marriage license for Lucille MacGillicudy; what? M-A-C, ah Gillicudy. Right and Ricardo Ricardo y Acha. Acha, Acha; thank you, but I wasn't sneezing.

Lucy Ricardo:
[disguised as Lucille McGillicuddy, trying to stop the TV audience about buying the salad dressing] What's Aunt Martha trying to do, poison me?

Lucy Ricardo:
[in charge of operetta to benefit the club she and Ethel are in, which doesn't know that there is no money in its account because Lucy has been borrowing from it] Well, we could save money by writing the operetta ourselves.

Ethel Mertz:
We? Who's we?

Lucy Ricardo:
We is Ethel Romberg and Lucy Friml, that's who we is.

Ricky Ricardo:
[discussing operetta Lucy wrote, but does not know she wrote it] Who wrote this thing, anyway?

Lucy Ricardo:
Who wrote it? Have you ever heard of Victor Herbert?

Ricky Ricardo:
Yeah.

Lucy Ricardo:
Well alright then.

Lucy Ricardo:
[crying] You don't know what it's like to be born a missing person.

Ricky Ricardo:
[on the phone] What do you do if you want to get a passport but misplaced your birth certificate? [pause] Passaport! [pause] Birf certificate. [pause] Oh, you just need an affidavit from an older living blood relative... well what if you've misplaced your older living blood relative? [pause] Well you don't know this family.

Ricky Ricardo:
Now, Mrs. Ricardo, if you don't mind, I think that I am entitled to a little bit of an explanation of WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!

Lucy Ricardo:
Uh, Ethel would you excuse us? I have a little explaining to do to Ricky.

Ethel Mertz:
You sure have, dear. Good night! [Ethel runs off]

Lucy Ricardo:
Now, now, Ricky, sit down, dear. Sit down. Oh, wait till you hear! [Chuckling nervously] It's so funny, and it's so simple.

Ricky Ricardo:
Well, what is it?

Lucy Ricardo:
Well, you know this morning, when we had that discussion about money? Well, Ethel and I - [the doorbell rings] Oh, I'll get it.

Ricky Ricardo:
No, no, *I'll* get it. [Ricky opens the door]

Arnold - The First Husband:
Is this the Ricardo residence?

Ricky Ricardo:
Yes?

Arnold - The First Husband:
[He walks over to Lucy and puts his arm around her] Darling! Don't you recognise me? It's Arnold!

Ricky Ricardo:
Well!

Lucy Ricardo:
[Wide eyed and in shock] Ricky, I want you to meet my second first husband!

Lucy Ricardo:
Now, Ricky, listen to me, please, listen to me! That's what they asked me to do at the radio program in order to win that thousand dollars, and I came home and I tried to do it, and I don't know who that first man was, but I was never married to him, and this is the man from the program, and he's my real first husband, but I was never married to him either, and that's the truth, so help me!

[as Ricky Ricardo unveils the statue, Little Ricky's dog, "Fred", comes up and licks on Lucy, as she was posing, trying to appear as the statue, that was broken up]

Ricky Ricardo:
Lucy? Lucy?

[Lucy then takes off the patriotic hat]

Lucy Ricardo:
Shoot, if you must, this old red head.

[Lucille Ball's quote, was the very last sentence and eight words spoken, as the series concluded]

[as Lucy tries to pose, as the broken statue, Fred, Little Ricky's dog immediately starts licking Lucy's wrist]

Lucy Ricardo:
Shoot, if you must, this old redhead.

[their very last sentence & quote of the series]

[Lucy Ricardo was sitting still like a mannequin, Fred, Little Ricky's dog starts licking her hands, as she was holding a gun, Lucy then stands up and speaks to the group of spectators]

Lucy Ricardo:
Shoot, if you must, this old red head.

[the very last scene, line & quote of the six season series]

Ethel Mertz:
Ethel to Tillie, Ethel to Tillie, come in Tillie!

Mr. Merriweather:
Tillie, is that you?

Lucy Ricardo:
[In a high voice] Yes, it's meeeeee, Tillieeeeeee!

Mr. Merriweather:
But, Tillie, that sneeze! Are you sick?

Lucy Ricardo:
Sick? I'm dead!

Mr. Merriweather:
My horoscope says no more business after noon today.

Lucy Ricardo:
Oh, you follow horoscopes?

Mr. Merriweather:
Yes! I'm Scorpio.

Lucy Ricardo:
I'm Taurus.

Ricky Ricardo:
I'm cooked.

Lucy Ricardo:
Now, you read that book and see for yourself, Five.

Ricky Ricardo:
Five?

Lucy Ricardo:
Yeah, that's your name in numerology, I figured it out.

Ricky Ricardo:
Oh, no...

Lucy Ricardo:
You might be going through life with the wrong name. Hey, I better figure out the right one for you! Maybe if you're something besides Five, it'll help our vibration.

Ricky Ricardo:
Lucy!

Lucy Ricardo:
What?

Ricky Ricardo:
Don't you like the way I vibrate?

Ethel Mertz:
Good morning, Lucy.

Lucy Ricardo:
[to Ricky] She's a woman.

Ricky Ricardo:
I guess so.

Ethel Mertz:
Well, thanks! Now that that's settled, how are ya, Three?

Lucy Ricardo:
I'm fine, Seven.

Ricky Ricardo:
[Groaning] Oh...

Lucy Ricardo:
Five got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.

Ricky Ricardo:
Goodbye, Three.

Lucy Ricardo:
Goodbye, Five! [Ricky grins] Why do you have that idiotic smile on your face?

Ricky Ricardo:
I was just thinking of a perfect Sixteen I used to know.

Lucy Ricardo:
Oh, get out of here!

Mr. Merriweather:
Oh, you study numerology?

Lucy Ricardo:
Of course.

Mr. Merriweather:
I'm a 1.

Lucy Ricardo:
I'm a 3.

Ricky Ricardo:
I'm a 5.

Mr. Merriweather:
We're all odd, aren't we?

Lucy Ricardo:
[at false seance, introducing Ethel in disguise] This is Madam Ethel Mertzola. She'll be our medium tonight. She's psychopathic.

Lucy Ricardo:
I'd just love a Richard Widmark grapefruit to go with my Robert Taylor orange.

Ethel Mertz:
What a fruit salad that would make.

Peggy:
Ricky's middle aged. He must be pushing 23.

Lucy Ricardo:
Yeah he's pushing 23 alright. He's pushed it all the way to 35.

Peggy:
Do you still know how to dance?

Lucy Ricardo:
[insulted] I seem to recall a few variations on the Turkey Trot.

Peggy:
[Describing a boy she's got a crush on] He's got curly hair, sad puppy dog eyes and he looks like Gregory Peck.

Lucy Ricardo:
Sounds more like Lassie.

Arthur:
But... You're a woman.

Lucy Ricardo:
Yes, my husband likes me that way.

Ricky Ricardo:
Why are we whispering?

Lucy Ricardo:
If my feet find out this was my idea, they'll kill me.