John Dies at the End

[from trailer]

Dave:
I bet you're wondering why I'm here.

Detective Lawrence 'Morgan Freeman' Appleton:
I bet you're wondering what I'm doing with this can of gasoline.

Roger North:
Have you ever noticed, when you hear a word for the very first time in your life, you will hear that word again within twenty-four hours? Do you ever wonder why you sometimes see a single shoe lying alongside the road?

[Dave clicks in the car's cigarette lighter]

Roger North:
[now with a tear having escaped from his right eye] I've been watching you for some time, but there are great gaps in my knowledge. Do you know I once observed a man who masturbated until he bled? Did he want to do that? And you, when you're alone...

[Dave grabs the car's lighter, slams on the brakes, and burns the creature under his shirt with the lighter. He pulls it out and looks at it as its twin eyes on stalks as the two concentric mouths of teeth flare outward and its slit of a mouth inside roars. He throws it out the window, punches Roger, gets the gun and holds it under Roger's chin]

Dave:
Okay. Okay. This thing I got pointed at you, do you know what it does?

Roger North:
[nervous] I... believe I have an idea, yes.

Dave:
And are you familiar with the old human saying, "I want to shoot you so bad my dick's hard"?

Roger North:
[confused] I don't... believe I... do.

Dave:
Well, maybe you'll hear it again in the next twenty-four hours if you don't try to f*** with me.

Dave:
Uh, Shelly. John and I are having a bit of a problem here. We're both seeing completely different versions of you. Now, John here has eyesight problems 'cause of his constant masturbation, but I- I don't think...

John:
[while being taken to the Mall of the Dead, John suddenly wakes up] Man! Where are we?

Dave:
We're in some liquor truck and we're on our way to the abandoned mall on Highway 59.

John:
Did you say we going to the mall, or coming back from it?

Dave:
Going!

John:
Yeah, that's right, because F-f-fred's still alive.

Fred Chu:
What?

John:
Nothing, nothing. I... got a headache.

Dave:
Last night you had a dream, Arnie. You dreamt you were being chased through the forest by your mother. She was lashing you with a whip made of knotted penises.

John:
Uhhhh... check between the sausage and the bun. You should find a hundred dollar bill rolled up in there.

Dave:
[looks between sausage and bun] There's no money in the bratwurst. It's just a piece of lettuce.

John:
OK. [pause] Do you have your ATM card?

[first lines]

Dave:
Solving the following riddle will reveal the awful secret behind the universe, assuming you do not go utterly mad in the attempt.

Dave:
Say you have an ax - just a cheap one from Home Depot. [slow zoom in on man chopping] On one bitter winter day, you use said ax to behead a man. Don't worry, the man's already dead. Maybe you should worry, 'cause you're the one who shot him. He'd been a big twitchy guy with veined skin stretched over swollen biceps, tattoo of a swastika on his tongue. And you're chopping off his head because even with eight bullets in him, you're pretty sure he's about to spring back to his feet and eat the look of terror right off your face.

Dave:
My name is David Wong. I once saw a man's kidney grow tentacles, tear itself out of a ragged hole in his back, and go slapping across my kitchen floor. But that's another story.

Dave:
I was adopted. I never knew my real dad. You could be my dad for all I know. Are you my dad?

John:
Women love to play games, don't they?

Dave:
It's all they have time for.

Dave:
[v.o] That's right, Arnie: everything you know is wrong.

Robert Marley:
Do you dream, man? I interpret dreams for a beer.

Robert Marley:
Time is an ocean, not a garden hose. Space is a puff of smoke, a wisp of cloud. Your mind... is a flying corn snake hovering through all the possibilities.

Dave:
[into to phone] Who is this?

John:
[on the phone] It's John. Can you hear me?

Dave:
[whispering] I can hear you and I can see you. You're sitting right here next to me.

John:
Well then, just talk to me in person then. Oh wait, do I look injured in any way?

Dave:
What?

John:
Shh. I'm sorry, I gotta go. Say hello to me...

John:
[across the table] Was that me?

Dave:
What do you think it's like, Father?

Father Shellnut:
What's what like?

Dave:
Being crazy, mentally ill.

Father Shellnut:
Well, they never know they're ill, do they? I mean, you can't diagnose yourself with the same organ that has the disease, just like you can't see your own eyeball. I suppose you just feel regular, and the rest of the world seems to go crazy around you.

Roger North:
Do the bees know they make the honey for you, or do they work tirelessly because they think it is their own choice?

Dave:
You're gonna die, Arnie. Someday you will face that moment. And at that moment you will face either complete nonexistence, or you will face something even stranger. On an actual day in the future, Arnie, you will be in the unimaginable. It is physically impossible to avoid it.

Dave:
[to John on the phone] Where are you, heaven?

Dave:
And then, calm. Almost Zen. That's what came next, that Soy Sauce feeling. I wanted to run, to duck, to act. But the body is a slow wet mechanism of muscle and bone that crept, even as my mind flew. And so just like that, I stepped outside of it.

Dave:
[gets up] So, I... suppose you're wondering why I'm here.

Detective Lawrence 'Morgan Freeman' Appleton:
Same as everybody. You're trying to figure out what in the name of Elvis is going on. Everybody except me. Me, I don't even wanna know anymore.

[Dave notices something. The Detective follows his gaze, and looks back]

Detective Lawrence 'Morgan Freeman' Appleton:
I supposed you're wondering what I'm doing with this can of gasoline.

Detective Lawrence 'Morgan Freeman' Appleton:
There are some very dark things happening, and I've got this lonely feeling like I'm the only one who knows, the only one who can do anything about it.

Detective Lawrence 'Morgan Freeman' Appleton:
Everybody's got a ghost story, U.F.O. or Bigfoot story- no. You know what I think? I think stuff is both real and not real at the same time.

Detective Lawrence 'Morgan Freeman' Appleton:
I'm not a Star Trek fan. I don't know very much about other dimensions and all that. I'm an old school Catholic. I believe in Hell. I believe that it's more than just murderers and rapists down there. I believe in demons and worms, vile sh*t in the grease trap of the Universe. And the more I think about it, the more I think that it's not just some place down there. Oh no, that it's right here with us. We just can't perceive it. It's kinda like the country music radio station. It's out there in the air, even if you don't tune into it.

Detective Lawrence 'Morgan Freeman' Appleton:
And I think that, somehow, through chemistry or magic or voodoo, that Jamaican son of a b*tch, he tuned into it, into Hell itself. Through that, he opened a door. He *became* the door. And me?

Detective Lawrence 'Morgan Freeman' Appleton:
[raises gun at Dave] I intend to close it.

Arnie Blondestone:
[irate] I refuse to believe that I'm only here because I popped out of your imagina... [poof]

John:
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Dave:
That if Franz Kafka was here, his head would explode?

John:
Actually, yeah.

Dave:
[answers second call from John] Hello?

John:
Hey, this is John. Your pimp says, bring the crack shipment tonight or he'll be forced to stick you. Meet him where we buried the Korean whore, the one *without* the goatee.

Dave:
[v.o] That was John's code. It meant, "Bring your gear and come to my place as soon as you can. It's important."

Dave:
John, it's three in the morning, man.

John:
Oh, and don't forget: tomorrow's the day we kill the president.

Dave:
John.

[the phone beeps as John ends the call]

Dave:
[v.o] That last part was code for, "Stop and pick me up some beer on the way."

[turns off phone]

Dave:
[narrating to Arnie] I'll try to explain this without cursing, but the black sh*t from Planet X that came out from that motherf***er looked like it had grown hair! Did I mention that the stuff was moving? Twitching?

John:
[through Bark Lee to Dave] You don't choose the Soy Sauce; the Soy Sauce chooses you!