Kung Fury

[from trailer]

Cop:
Hey, you got a permit for those guns?

Gang Leader:
I got your permit right here.

[Gang leader drops his skateboard under the police car, then stomps on one end, flipping the car mid-air before the gang shoots it]

[from trailer]

Police Dispatcher:
All units, we have an ongoing shootout at 24th and Northwest Street.

Kung Fury:
I'm on it.

Chief:
I don't want to hear it, Kung Fury! I just got back from City Hall. Fifty million dollars worth of damages, and I've got the Mayor up my ass like a fag on Viagra. How am I gonna explain this to the press? You just destroyed an entire city block for Christ's sake!

Kung Fury:
Did you tell me to block it out?

Chief:
I told you to do it by the book.

Kung Fury:
Cut the bullshit. No one else in this department could've stopped that arcade machine and you know it.

Chief:
Oh, man. Listen to me, Kung Fury. You need to start following the rules like the rest of us, so I'm assigning you a new partner.

Kung Fury:
What? Hell no, I work alone.

Chief:
Not anymore, you don't. Say hi to your new partner: Triceracop.

Triceracop:
Very nice meeting you, Kung Fury.

[Triceracop offers a handshake]

Triceracop:
Looking forward to working with you.

[Kung Fury begins to remember the death of his former partner Dragon, then faces the Chief]

Kung Fury:
I work alone.

Chief:
Either you team up with Triceracop, or you're off the case.

Kung Fury:
I'm not off the case. [Pulls badge off jacket and slams it on the desk] I quit!

[Kung Fury walks out of the office]

Hoff 9000:
[From the music video: True Survivor] [after the thugs in the beginning of the video kick the cop car and unload machine-gun rounds into it, Hasselhoff jumps out, log rolls on the car in mid air and ventilates the thugs, landing in splits on the street] "Permit denied."

[Kung Fury defeats the arcade machine robot before pointing his gun at it]

Kung Fury:
Game over.

[Kung Fury grabs a Nazi soldier by the arm]

Kung Fury:
I'm disarming you.

[He rips the arm off]

Kung Fury:
You gonna need that spine?

[Grabs Nazi soldier by the head and rips out his spine]

Kung Fury:
It's holding your back.

Hitler:
F*** you, Kung Fury. Nothing can stop me and my army of death.

Kung Fury:
[narration] I'm a cop, and damn good at my job. It all began years ago, in the line of duty. Me and my partner were chasing down a mysterious kung-fu master.

[Flashback shows Kung Fury and Dragon cornering the red ninja in a back alley]

Kung Fury:
You're under arrest, punk!

Dragon:
Show us your hands.

[Kung Fury handcuffs the ninja]

Kung Fury:
Good work, Dragon.

Dragon:
He could've killed both of us with that crazy stunt. But goddammit, you the best partner I've ever had.

Kung Fury:
Thanks. I learned from the best.

[Kung Fury and Dragon high-five each other]

Kung Fury:
You're like a father to me.

[Dragon is suddenly sliced in half by the ninja]

Kung Fury:
[narration] With one fatal blow, he hit my partner. I could tell he was dead straight off.

[an angry Kung Fury points his gun at the ninja]

Kung Fury:
[narration] Before I could pull the trigger, I was hit by lightning and bitten by a cobra. I blacked out, and saw images of ancient Shaolin temples and monks mastering the art of kung-fu. There was an ancient prophecy about a new form of kung-fu so powerful, only one man can master it: The Chosen One. When I woke up, I saw the kung-fu master running towards me. I could feel my body mutate, into some sort of kung-fu freak of nature.

[Red ninja charges at Kung Fury with his sword. Kung Fury suddenly kicks him to the wall]

Red Ninja:
You! You are the Chosen One!

[Kung Fury grabs the ninja]

Kung Fury:
Knock knock.

Red Ninja:
Who's there?

[Kung Fury hesitates to find a punch line]

Kung Fury:
Knock... kles.

[Kung Fury punches the ninja and kicks him upwards before jumping up and kicking him down to a gasoline truck. He then grabs a strip of the ninja's outfit and wears it as a bandanna]

Kung Fury:
[narration] As a memento, I put on a strip of cloth from the dead kung-fu master. I decided I would use my new super kung-fu powers to fight crime. So I became the best cop in the world. I became Kung Fury.

Hacker Man:
I was able to triangulate the cell phone signal and trace the caller. His name is Adolf Hitler.

Kung Fury:
Hitler. He's the worst criminal of all time.

Hacker Man:
Do you know him, sir?

Kung Fury:
I guess you could say that. In the 1940s, Hitler was a kung-fu champion. He was so good at kung-fu, that he decided to change his name to 'Kung F?hrer'. But he didn't stop there. He knew the Kung Fury prophecy, and wanted to claim the throne, so he and his posse of Nazi soldiers conducted experiments for years. They were never able to figure how to master the art of Kung Fury. Then one day, he disappeared from the face of the Earth. And no one has seen him ever since, until now. I guess if he figured he can find the Chosen One and kill him, He will become Kung Fury himself. He must have traveled in time in order to get here, which is probably why he disappeared in the first place.

Hacker Man:
So what are you gonna do?

Kung Fury:
My job. I'm gonna go back in time to Nazi Germany and kill Hitler once and for all.

Hacker Man:
So, uh, how are you gonna do that?

Kung Fury:
I'm not sure. I need some sort of time machine.

[Hackerman thinks]

Hacker Man:
Wait a minute. Using an RX modulator, I might be able to conduct a mainframe cell direct and hack the uplink to the download.

Kung Fury:
What the hell does that mean?

Hacker Man:
It means that with the right computer algorithms, I can hack you back in time. Just like a time machine.

Kung Fury:
Well then. It's hacking time.

[Kung Fury exits the time portal into a valley. A velociraptor suddenly appears and destroys his time hacking device with lasers from its eyes]

Kung Fury:
[narration] F***! That's a laser raptor. I thought they went extinct thousands of years ago.

[Kung Fury and the raptor have an intense stare down until the raptor is suddenly gunned down. He turns around and sees the Viking Babe Barbarianna riding a giant wolf. She points her Gatling gun at him]

Kung Fury:
Who are you?

Barbarianna:
My name... is Barbarianna.

Kung Fury:
What year is this?

Barbarianna:
It's the Viking Age.

Kung Fury:
[narration] That explains the laser raptor. F***! I went too far back in time.

Barbarianna:
You need to get out of this valley. This place is swarming with laser raptors. I'll meet you at the God's Drop. Katana can get you there.

Kung Fury:
Who's Katana?

Katana:
I'm Katana.

[Kung Fury turns around and sees Katana wielding an Uzi]

Katana:
I can give you a ride to Asgard.

Kung Fury:
A ride on what?

[Next scene shows Kung Fury and Katana riding a tyrannosaurus]

Katana:
So, who are you?

Kung Fury:
I'm a cop... from the future. I was sent back in time to kill Hitler, but I... I accidentally went back too far in time, and ended up in this place.

Katana:
I know someone who might be able to help you.

[Katana gets up and shouts toward the lake]

Katana:
Thor!

[the lake is surrounded with lightning before the giant god Thor appears]

Thor:
Behold - it is me, Thor. Son of Odin and protector of mankind. Check out my pecs.

Kung Fury:
Your pecs are epic.

Thor:
Thanks, bro.

[Thor kisses his left bicep]

Katana:
So... anyway, Thor, um, this is Kung Fury. He's a cop from the future.

Kung Fury:
Yeah. I need to get to Nazi Germany and, uh, kill Hitler so, uh, if you can help me...

Thor:
Stop!

[Points hammer toward Kung Fury and Katana]

Thor:
Hammer time.

[Thor creates a time portal with his hammer]

Thor:
Walk through this portal, and you will end up in Nazi Germany. Good luck to you, Kung Fury.

Kung Fury:
Thanks, Thor.

Colonel Reichstache:
Your mustache looks like sh*t. You have to get rid of it.

Private Lahmstache:
Get rid of it?

Colonel Reichstache:
Yes. It looks ridiculous.

Private Lahmstache:
My mustache? But it is an Arian mustache.

Colonel Reichstache:
No, this is an Arian mustache. Yours looks like pubes from a dog hooker. A hooker dog.

Private Lahmstache:
Funny you should say that. You look like you fell into a hairy ass with glue stuck on your lip.

Colonel Reichstache:
This is an Arian mustache. I'm embarrassed for you. You look ridiculous.

Private Lahmstache:
This is an Arian mustache. This is mine. This is a good looking mustache.

Colonel Reichstache:
Are you going to cry now?

Private Lahmstache:
This is...

Colonel Reichstache:
Cry home to your mommy. Are you a little cry baby?

Private Lahmstache:
Your mustache... [wipes tears]

Colonel Reichstache:
Sorry, but you have to get rid of it. It looks ridiculous.

[Private Lahmstache notices that the tank is missing]

Private Lahmstache:
Where did the tank go?

[Kung Fury holds the tank upward from the barrel and squashes the two Nazi soldiers with it]

Kung Fury:
Tank you.

[In an animated dream sequence, Kung Fury finds himself in an exotic kingdom. He is then approached by a giant cobra on a hovering machine]

Kung Fury:
Who the hell are you?

Cobra:
My name is Cobra. I have been expecting you, Kung Fury. I'm your spirit animal.

Kung Fury:
What the hell is this place?

Cobra:
This is Heaven. I'm afraid you're dead.

Kung Fury:
What? But it looks so real.

Cobra:
Yeah... No, it's totally real.

Kung Fury:
[Pulls out his badge] Mr. Cobra, I'm a police officer. I need you to send me back to Earth. Pronto.

Cobra:
I'm sorry. I can't help you with that. You see, you're dead.

Kung Fury:
You're under arrest!

Cobra:
What?

Kung Fury:
For obstruction of justice! You're breaking the law!

[Kung Fury powers up and charges toward Cobra to give him a flying kick]

Kung Fury:
Open the doors, Hoff.

Hoff 9000:
I'm sorry, Fury. I can't let you do that.

Kung Fury:
Open the doors, Hoff!

Hoff 9000:
I'm sorry. I can't let you open the doors, Kung Fury.

Kung Fury:
Goddammit, open the doors!

Hoff 9000:
I'm sorry. I can't...

Kung Fury:
Open the doors!

Hoff 9000:
Did anyone tell you... not to hassle the Hoff 9000?

Kung Fury:
Oh, Hoff 9000. Son of a b*tch.

[Kung Fury is about to enter the portal to Nazi Germany]

Kung Fury:
Well, looks like this is my ride.

Barbarianna:
Hey, future cop. Where are you going?

[Kung Fury stops, then turns around while Barbarianna dismounts from her wolf]

Kung Fury:
You know what? [hands Barbarianna his phone number] Here, take my number.

[He then gives her a large car phone]

Kung Fury:
And use this phone to call me. It's a personal, transportable cellular telephone. It features 645 channel capacity, 10 number speed dial, and an electronic security lock. This revolution in communication can make it possible for more and more people to have a phone in their car.

[Confused look in Barbarianna and Katana's faces while Kung Fury enters the portal]

[Kung Fury and his friends surround Hitler]

Hitler:
I want to welcome, you and your friends, to Germany. We are not so different, you and I. I mean, we both got cool style. You know, with red, you know. So that's cool. We both like doing moves. [kicks] Ja. Check it out.

[Hitler does some kicks]

Hitler:
With killing people, I love it. You clearly do too. And that cool. Join me. We could be brothers, you and I. It's almost like we finish each other's...

Kung Fury:
Balls.

Hitler:
What?

[Kung Fury jumps and gives Hitler an uppercut to his crotch]

[Thor pounds his hammer on Hitler and his robot bird]

Triceracop:
Oh my, not much left of him, is there?

Kung Fury:
The important thing is that he's gone. Sorry I doubted you Triceracop. You're the best damn partner I've ever had.

Triceracop:
I came back in time for you, Kung Fury, because, dammit, I love you.

[Kung Fury and Triceracop hug each other]

Tyrannosaurus:
Teamwork is very important.

Thor:
So, what happens now, Kung Fury?

Kung Fury:
Well, I need to head back to the office. Looks like it's gonna be a hell of a lot of paperwork.

[Everyone laughs]

[Kung Fury knocks down the arcade machine robot and points his gun at it]

Kung Fury:
Game over.

[He suddenly notices a Swastika on the robot's body]

Kung Fury:
[narration] Wait a minute. I've seen that symbol before, somewhere.

[He begins to recall his memories of Hitler and his Nazi army]

Kung Fury:
Hitler.

[Kung Fury looks up as Hitler and his robot bird fly over the Miami sky]

[Hitler points his gun at punk]

Hitler:
Give me ze phone!

[Punk gives Hitler his cell phone. Hitler dials the police precinct. Meanwhile, the Chief is looking at a police report]

Chief:
What the hell is this?

[Phone rings]

Chief:
Chief McNickles speaking.

Hitler:
Is this ze police?

Chief:
Yeah, this is the police.

Hitler:
F*** you!

[Hitler shoots through the phone, killing the Chief. He then continues to shoot at the whole precinct through the phone before Kung Fury storms in and shoots down the phone]

Kung Fury:
I need someone to trace that call!

Officer:
But that's impossible.

Hacker Man:
Not for me, it isn't.

Kung Fury:
[narration] Hackerman. He's the most powerful hacker of all time.

Hacker Man:
Follow me.

[Kung Fury is relaxing at his home when his girlfriend sits and massages his left arm]

Kung Fury:
Yeah, that's my bicep.

[Phone rings]

Kung Fury:
One second, babe. Hello?

Police Dispatcher:
We got an arcade machine down here going crazy! It's killing everybody! It's destruction, chaos, terror, we need...

[Kung Fury crushes the phone receiver and gets up]

Babe:
What are you gonna do?

Kung Fury:
My job.