Liar Liar

Miranda:
Ummm that was incredible. Was it good for you?

Fletcher:
I've had better.

Judge Stevens:
Mr. Reede, one more word out of you, and I will hold you in contempt!

Fletcher:
I hold *myself* in contempt! Why should you be any different?

Cop:
Do you know why I pulled you over?

Fletcher:
Depends on how long you were following me.

Cop:
Let's start from the top.

Fletcher:
Here it goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at an intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!

Cop:
Is that all?

Fletcher:
No... I have unpaid parking tickets. Be gentle.

Max Reede:
Is wrestling real?

Fletcher:
In the Olympics, yes. On channel 23, no.

Fletcher:
Yes I could.

Fletcher:
No.

Fletcher:
Because I believe you will buy booze with it. I just want to get from the car to my office without being confronted by the decay of western society. Plus I'm cheap.

Fletcher:
What ever takes the focus off your head!

Fletcher:
You don't believe me, do ya?

Greta:
Of course not.

Fletcher:
How ironic!

Fletcher:
The pen is blue, the pen is blue, the goddamn pen is blue!

Max Reede:
If I keep making this face... will it get stuck that way?

Fletcher:
Uh uh. As a matter of fact, some people make a very good living that way.

Fletcher:
Your honor, I object!

Judge:
And why is that Mr. Reed?

Fletcher:
Because it's devastating to my case!

Judge:
Overruled.

Fletcher:
Good call!

Guy in the Washroom:
What the hell are you doing?

Fletcher:
I'm kicking my ass! Do you mind?

Fletcher:
You brought your kids to your court hearing?

Samantha:
Sympathy.

Fletcher:
Well, it's working! I feel sorry for them already!

Fletcher:
I'm so glad my gift could bring them closer together. My plan to phase myself out is almost complete!

Greta:
A couple years ago my friend had a burglar on her roof, a burglar. He fell through the kitchen skylight, landed on a butcher's knife cutting his leg. The burglar sued my friend, he sued my friend. And because of guys like you HE WON. My friend had to pay the burglar $6,000. Is that justice?

Fletcher:
No. I'd'a' got him ten.

Max Reede:
My dad? He's... a liar.

Teacher:
A liar? I'm sure you don't mean a liar.

Max Reede:
Well he wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge.

Teacher:
Oh, you mean he's a lawyer.

Fletcher:
Mrs. Cole, the only problem here is that after you've provided years of faithful service and loving support raising his children - They are his?

Samantha:
Oh yeah. One for sure.

Fletcher:
After all that, your husband wants to deny you a fair and equitable share of the marital assets based on one single act of indiscretion.

Samantha:
Seven.

Fletcher:
Beg your pardon?

Samantha:
Seven single acts of indiscretion.

Fletcher:
SEVEN! acts of indiscretion, only one of which he has any evidence and all of which he himself is responsible for.

Max Reede:
I wish, for just one day, Dad couldn't tell a lie.

Max Reede:
My teacher tells me beauty is on the inside.

Fletcher:
That's just something ugly people say.

Fletcher:
Why don't you go play in the office a minute. Sue someone for everything they've got. Maybe you send a fax to one of your girlfriends!

Jerry:
I love you!

Audrey:
Thank you

Jerry:
Well, that's wasn't exactly the answer I was hoping for...

Audrey:
Thank you very much?

Audrey:
Where were you?

Fletcher:
Having sex.

Audrey:
Well, I hope it was with someone VERY

Dana:
He's badgering the witness!

Judge Stevens:
It's his witness!

Driver:
What's your problem, Schmuck!

Fletcher:
I'm an inconsiderate prick!

Fletcher:
Jerry, enjoy my wife.

Fletcher:
I was hoping after being married to me you'd have no more strength left.

Audrey:
Well, you have to remember that when we were married, I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were.

Gretta:
Oh and your wife called, she wants know when you're gonna pick up Max from school.

Fletcher:
Oh, I'm such a sh*t!

Fletcher:
Weight, 105. Yeah, in your bra!

Dana:
Your Honor, I object!

Fletcher:
You would!

Dana:
BASTARD!

Fletcher:
HAG!

Judge Stevens:
QUIET!

Fletcher:
You lied about your age to make yourself older, but why would any woman WANNA DO THAT?

Samantha:
I changed it so I could get married.

Fletcher:
AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!

Fletcher:
The fact that my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant.

Miranda:
Well, what do you think of him?

Fletcher:
He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking.

Mr. Allen:
That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard. You're a real card, Reede. I love a good roast. Do Simmons.

Fletcher:
Simmons is old. He should've been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home because he hates his wife. You've met her at the Christmas parties, she's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard, and you, Tom; you're the biggest brownnose I've ever seen. You've got your head so far up Mr. Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins.

Fletcher:
You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway. I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it in lyme. Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! SLUT!

Judge:
Who did this?

Fletcher:
A mad man, your honor, a desperate fool at the end of his pitiful ropes.

Judge:
What did he look like?

Fletcher:
Uhh... About 6'2", 180lbs. big teeth, kinda gangly.

Busty Woman on Elevator:
Everyone's been so nice to me.

Fletcher:
Well thats cause you've got big jugs. I... I mean your b*obs are huge. I mean, I want to squeeze them. I... ma ma.

Judge Stevens:
How are we this morning, Counselor?

Dana:
Fine, thank you.

Judge Stevens:
And how about you, Mr. Reede?

Fletcher:
I'm a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night.

Judge Stevens:
Well, you're young. It'll happen more and more. In the meantime, what do you say we get down to business?

Judge Stevens:
It is only out of sheer morbid curiosity that I am allowing this freak show to continue.

Max Reede:
Mom? Dad?

Fletcher:
MAX? Did you wish for your mom and I to get back together again?

Max Reede:
No. I wished for rollerblades!

Audrey:
Uh... wanna cut the cake... Dad?

Fletcher:
I would love to... but I have this horrible pain in my arm...

Audrey:
Oh no... run ITS THE CLAW!

Fletcher:
NOTHING CAN STOP THE CLAWWWW!

Fletcher:
Your honor, would the court be willing to grant me a short bathroom break?

Judge:
Can't it wait?

Fletcher:
Yes it can. But I've heard that if you hold it you could damage the prostate gland, making it very difficult to get an erection, or even become aroused!

Judge:
Is that true?

Fletcher:
It has to be!

Judge:
In that case I'd better take a quick break myself.

Dana:
Your honor, I object!

Fletcher:
You would!

Dana:
OVERACTOR!

Fletcher:
Jezebel...

Fletcher:
Oh no, they're on to me...

Fletcher:
Wow! That was a nice image

Fletcher:
DELETED!

Fletcher:
Audrey, good news, both my legs are broken so they can't take me straight to jail.

Fletcher:
Mr. Falk, would I be accurate, if I described your relationship with Mrs Cole as totally professional? I OBJECT, Your Honor, and I move to strike!

Judge Stevens:
Mr. Reede, I don't know what you're on, but you better get to the point and quick!

Fletcher:
Where would Tina Turner be today if she rolled on the floor and yelled, "HIT ME AGAIN IKE, AND PUT SOME STANK ON IT!"? Rolling down the river is where she'd be. But she's beyond Thunderdome! Because she decided to step forward and give a message: WAKE UP SISTERS! THERE IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SUCH THING AS WEAKER SEX!

[Max's class talks about their parents' careers]

Max:
My mom's a teacher.

Teacher:
And your dad?

Max:
My dad? He's... a liar.

Teacher:
A liar? Oh, I'm sure you don't mean a liar.

Max:
Well, he wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge.

Teacher:
Oh! Oh! I see! You mean he's a lawyer.

[Max shrugs]

Fletcher:
[On the phone] Audrey! Let me explain, something has happened to me!

Audrey:
Well, something else is about to happen to you, Fletcher: Max and I are moving to Boston.

Fletcher:
What?

Audrey:
Jerry has asked me to marry him, so Max and I are going with him this weekend to look at some houses.

Fletcher:
I thought it was "semi-serious."

Audrey:
Yeah, well it just took a violent shove into "serious."

Fletcher:
You can't move to Boston, I'll never see Max!

Audrey:
Well, then you'll pretty much have the same relationship with him that you have now, won't you?

Fletcher:
You scratched my car!

Impound Guy:
Where?

Fletcher:
[showing him] Right there!

Impound Guy:
Oh. That was already there.

Fletcher:
You... you liar! You know what I'm going to do about this?

Impound Guy:
What?

Fletcher:
Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain eight hours out of my life and you probably won't show up, and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway. So what I'm gonna do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!

Impound Guy:
You've been here before, haven't ya?

[Fletcher tells Greta about Max's wish]

Fletcher:
You don't believe me, do you?

Greta:
Of course not.

Fletcher:
How ironic! Okay. Ask me something you think I would normally lie about.

Greta:
All right. Remember a couple of months ago when I wanted a raise?

Fletcher:
[nervously] Forget it. I don't wanna do this.

Greta:
And the company wouldn't give me one...

Fletcher:
[freaking out] Greta please!...

Greta:
And I asked if you would give it to me out of your own pocket! And you said "the company would not allow it, because it would create jealousy among the other secretaries!" Now, was that true, or did you just not wanna pony up the dough?

Miranda:
Mr. Allen, you remember Fletcher Reede.

Mr. Allen:
Oh, yes! Yes. Nice to see you again, Fletcher. By the way, I'll be observing you in court this afternoon. I've been hearing some good things about you.

Miranda:
Well, Fletcher has just been telling me what how much he thinks of you. [to Fletcher] Well, why don't you tell Mr. Allen? Well, what do you think of him?

Fletcher:
[Defeated] He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard. A belligerent, old fart. A worthless, steaming pile of cow dung. [sighs] Figuratively speaking.

[Everyone in the board stares at Mr. Allen; after a moment of silence, Mr. Allen laughs; the rest of the board joins in the laughter]

Mr. Allen:
That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard! You're a real card, Reede! I love a good roast! Do Simmons!

Fletcher:
[points at Simmons] Simmons is old! He should've been outta the game years ago, but he can't stay home, 'cause he hates his wife! You've met her at the Christmas parties! She's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard! [to another member of the board] And you, Tom! You're the biggest brownnose I've ever seen! You've got your head so far up Mr. Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins!

Mr. Allen:
[roars with laughter] Priceless!

Fletcher:
[to another board member] You have bad breath caused by gingivitis! [to another member] You couldn't get a porn star off! [to yet another] Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway! I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it in lime! [points at five other members of the board one at a time] Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! [at Miranda] SLUT! [Miranda is shocked]

Mr. Allen:
I like your style, Reede! [shakes hands with Fletcher] That's just what this stuffy company needs! A little irreverence!

Fletcher:
GOOD! I'll see ya later, d*ckhead!

[Everyone else laughs]

Mr. Allen:
D*ckhead! Priceless!

[Fletcher pulls of a board member's hairpiece and sticks it on the wall, whoops like a native, then walks off as the laughter continues]

Mr. Allen:
[takes his seat] Keep your eye on that boy. "D*ckhead"!

[After Fletcher darts out of the meeting room, still laughing, he faints from exhaustion]

Fletcher:
Oh, come on! Your Honor, how can it be proved that the male voice on that tape is not Mr. Cole himself?

Samantha:
[on tape] You are such a better lover than my husband!

Fletcher:
Your Honor, I object!

Judge:
Why?

Fletcher:
Because it's devastating to my case!

Judge:
Overruled.

Fletcher:
Good call!

Fletcher:
Mr. Falk, do you know my client, Samantha Cole?

Kenneth:
Yes.

Fletcher:
Isn't it true that your relationship with my client is entirely platonic? [to the judge] I object, your Honor!

Judge:
To yourself?

Fletcher:
Yeah. But I would like to rephrase the question. [to the witness] Mr. Falk, would I be accurate, if I described your relationship with Mrs. Cole as totally professional? [to the judge] I object, your Honor, and I move to strike!

Judge:
Mr. Reede, I don't know what you're on, but you better get to the point, and quick.

Fletcher:
Thank you, sir. [to the witness] Is your relationship with my client entirely platonic? NOT! Is not your relationship with my client-- Boink! Bad baby! Bad baby! Did you never not make looooooo-- Did you... [wheezes]

Judge:
Mr. Reede!

Fletcher:
You had sex with her every time you met, didn't ya?! DIDN'T YOU?! LIAR!

Dana:
He's badgering the witness!

Judge:
It's his witness.

Fletcher:
You slammed her! You dunked her donut! You gave her dog a Snausage! YOU STUFFED HER LIKE A THANKSGIVING TURKEY!

[Fletcher gobbles like a turkey while shoving himself against the witness stand]

Kenneth:
All right! All right! It's true, okay?! I humped her brains out! There! Now ya happy?!

[silence]

Fletcher:
No further questions.

Judge:
One more word outta you, Mr. Reede, and I'll hold you in contempt!

Fletcher:
I HOLD MYSELF IN CONTEMPT!!!!! WHY SHOULD YOU BE ANY DIFFERENT?!

Fletcher:
The boss is REALLY RIDING ME!”

[Fletcher is shaken by the court ruling and seeing Samantha Cole pull her children away from their father, and Mr Allen congratulating him on his performance doesn't help]

Fletcher:
Your Honor, may I please approach the bench?

Judge:
We're adjourned, Mr. Reede.

Fletcher:
Your Honor, I think we've made a big mistake.

Judge:
Mr. Reede, I am tired and very cranky.

Fletcher:
I know, but this is just... wrong, isn't it? I manipulated the system. Just because you bought it doesn't mean I'm right. It's a technicality!

Judge:
Young man, having my judgement mocked in my own court is not something I'm prepared to tolerate!

Fletcher:
Well, tell that to the kids when they're adopted by the Manson family!

Judge:
[angered] One more word outta you, Mr. Reede, and I'll hold you in contempt!

Fletcher:
I hold myself in contempt! Why should you be any different?!

Judge:
Bailiff, take him away!

Fletcher:
[points to Mr Cole] This man is a good father, [glares at Miranda and Mr Allen] and children are not leverage! [as bailiffs manhandle him out of court] Oh, no, don't do this! l have a date to play ball with my son! I can't be late! It's my last chance! I'm Jose Canseco! I'm Jose Canseco!

Fletcher Reede:
What's wrong with me? [suddenly monotone] I'm getting what I deserve, I'm reaping what I sow, I- [claps both hand over his mouth while involuntarily ranting]

Fletcher Reede:
[after farting in the elevator] It was me!