Love Actually

Prime Minister:
Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.

Sam:
But you know the thing about romance is people only get together right at the very end.

Daniel:
Tell her that you love her. You've got nothing to lose, and you'll always regret it if you don't.

Karen:
True love lasts a lifetime.

Juliet:
We've never got friendly. I just wanted to say I hope that can change. I'm nice, I really am, apart from my terrible taste in pie. And it would be great if we could be friends.

Karl:
Life is full of interruptions and complications.

Mia:
I'll just be hanging round the mistletoe, hoping to be kissed.

Colin:
I'm on Shag Highway heading West.

Parky:
This must be a very exciting moment for you, fighting for the Christmas number one. How's it looking so far?

Billy Mack:
Very bad indeed. Blue are outselling me five to one. But I'm hoping for a late surge. And if I reach number one, I promise to sing the song stark naked on TV on Christmas Eve.

Parky:
Do you mean that?

Billy Mack:
Well of course I mean it. Do you want a preview? You old flirt.

Parky:
*That'll* never make number one!

Jamie:
Beautiful Aurelia, I've come here with a view of asking you to marriage me. I know I seems an insane person - because I hardly knows you - but sometimes things are so transparency, they don't need evidential proof. And I will inhabit here, or you can inhabit with me in England.

Sophia Barros:
Definitely go for England, girl. You'll meet Prince William - then you can marry him instead.

Billy Mack:
Christmas is a time for people with someone they love in their lives.

Harry:
Tell me, exactly, how long it is that you've been working here?

Sarah:
Two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, what, two hours?

Harry:
And how long have you been in love with Karl, our enigmatic chief designer?

Sarah:
Ahm, two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, an hour and thirty minutes.

Harry:
I thought as much.

Sarah:
Do you think everybody knows?

Harry:
Yes.

Sarah:
Do you think Karl knows?

Harry:
Yes.

Sarah:
Oh that is bad news.

Harry:
Well I just thought maybe the time had come to do something about it.

Sarah:
Like what?

Harry:
Invite him out for a drink and then after about twenty minutes casually drop into the conversation the fact that you'd like to marry him and have lots of sex and babies.

Sarah:
You know that?

Harry:
Yes. And so does Karl. Think about it. For all our sakes. It's Christmas.

Sarah:
Certainly. Excellent. Will do. Thanks, boss.

Sarah:
Do you love him?

Mark:
What?

Sarah:
I just thought I'd ask the blunt question.

Billy Mack:
When I was young, I was greedy and foolish, and now I'm left with no one. Wrinkled and alone.

Billy Mack:
Hiya kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don't buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them for free.

Dec:
Billy, I believe you've brought a prize for our competition winners.

Billy Mack:
Yes I have, Ant or Dec. It's a personalized felt tip pen.

Press Conference Reporter:
Mr. President, has it been a good visit?

The President:
Very satisfactory indeed. We got what we came for and our special relationship is still very special.

Press Conference Reporter:
Prime Minister?

Prime Minister:
I love that word "relationship". Covers all manner of sins, doesn't it? I fear that this has become a bad relationship. A relationship based on the President taking exactly what he wants and casually ignoring all those things that really matter to, erm... Britain. We may be a small country but we're a great one, too. The country of Shakespeare, Churchill, the Beatles, Sean Connery, Harry Potter. David Beckham's right foot. David Beckham's left foot, come to that. And a friend who bullies us is no longer a friend. And since bullies only respond to strength, from now onward, I will be prepared to be much stronger. And the President should be prepared for that.

Natalie:
Hello, David. I mean "sir". Sh*t, I can't believe I've just said that. Oh and now I've gone and said "sh*t" - twice. I'm so sorry, sir.

Prime Minister:
It's fine, it's fine. You could've said "f***", and then we'd have been in real trouble.

Natalie:
Thank you, sir. I did have an awful premonition that I was going to f*** up the first day. Oh piss-it!

Daniel:
You've seen the films, kiddo. It ain't over 'til it's over.

Colin:
American girls would seriously dig me with my cute British accent.

Sam:
Let us go get the sh*t kicked out of us by love.

Natalie:
He says no one's going to fancy a girl with thighs the size of big tree trunks. Not a nice guy, actually, in the end.

Prime Minister:
Right. Goodness. Well, well. You know, being Prime Minister, I could just have him murdered.

Natalie:
Thank you, sir. I'll think about it.

Prime Minister:
Do. The SAS are absolutely charming. Ruthless trained killers are just a phone call away.

Colin:
I am Colin. God of Sex. I'm just on the wrong continent, that's all.

Mikey, DJ interviewer:
Well. Thanks for that, Bill.

Billy Mack:
For what?

Mikey, DJ interviewer:
Well, for actually giving a real answer to a question. Doesn't often happen here on "Radio Watford" I can tell you.

Billy Mack:
Ask me anything you like, I'll tell you the truth.

Mikey, DJ interviewer:
Uh... best shag you've ever had?

Billy Mack:
Britney Spears.

Mikey, DJ interviewer:
Wow!

Billy Mack:
No, only kidding. She was rubbish.

Billy Mack:
I realized that Christmas is the time to be with the people you love.

Joe:
Right.

Billy Mack:
And I realized that as dire chance and fateful cockup would have it, here I am, mid 50s, and without knowing it I've gone and spent most of my adult life with a chubby employee. And much as it grieves me to say it, it might be that the people I love is, in fact... you.

Joe:
Well, this is a surprise.

Billy Mack:
Yeah...

Joe:
Ten minutes at Elton John's and you're as gay as a maypole.

Karen:
Get a grip, people hate sissies. No-one's ever going to shag you if you cry all the time.

Prime Minister:
Who do you have to screw around here to get a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit?

Prime Minister:
Oh, no. That is so inconvenient.

Prime Minister:
Right. So, not quite as secret as we'd hoped.

Natalie:
Right. What should we do?

Prime Minister:
Smile. Wave.

The President:
I'll give you anything you ask for - as long as it's not something I don't want to give.

Daniel:
And I'm afraid there's something really wrong, you know. I mean, clearly it's about his mum, but Christ, he might be injecting heroin into his eyeballs for all I know.

Karen:
At the age of eleven?

Daniel:
Maybe not his eyeballs, then. Maybe just his veins.

Prime Minister:
I'd like to go to Wandsworth. The dodgy end.

Harris Street old lady:
Aren't you the Prime Minister?

Prime Minister:
Yes, in fact, I am. Merry Christmas. Part of the service, now. Trying to get round to everyone by New Year's Eve.

Jamie:
I love you even when you're sick and look disgusting.

Prime Minister:
Did you ever have this kind of problem? Yeah - of course you did, you saucy minx.

Peter:
No surprises?

Mark:
No surprises.

Peter:
Not like the stag night?

Mark:
Unlike the stag night.

Peter:
Do you admit the Brazilian prostitutes were a mistake?

Mark:
I do.

Peter:
And it would have been much better if they'd not turned out to be men?

Mark:
That is true.

Prime Minister:
I'm not so sure politics and dating really go together.

The President:
Really? I never found that.

Prime Minister:
Yes, well, the difference is that you're sickeningly handsome whereas I look increasingly like my Aunt Mildred.

Jamie:
No, right. Silence is golden. As the Tremeloes said. Clever guys. Although I think the original version was by, uh, Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Great, great, great band.

Jamie:
Oh, shut up.

John:
So, what do you reckon to our new Prime Minister, then?

Judy:
I like him. Can't understand why he's not married, though.

John:
Oh, you know the type. Married to his job. Either that or gay as a picnic basket.

Daniel:
Jo and I had a lot of time to prepare for this moment. Some of her requests - for instance, that I should bring Claudia Schiffer as my date to the funeral - I am confident she expected me to ignore.

Prime Minister:
I had an uncle called Terence once. Hated him. Think he was a pervert. But I very much like the look of you.

Annie:
Would you like to meet your household staff?

Prime Minister:
Yes, I would like that very much. Anything to put off actually running the country.

Annie:
Right, I'll just go get my things, and then let's fix the country, shall we?

Prime Minister:
Yeah, I can't see why not.

Billy Mack:
I left Elton John's, where there were a hefty number of half-naked chicks with their mouths open, to hang out with you. It's a terrible mistake, Chubs, but you turn out to be the f***ing love of my life. And to be honest, despite all my complaining, we have had a wonderful life.

Daniel:
We need Kate, and we need Leo. And we need them now. Come on.

Prime Minister:
Oooooo, would we call her chubby?

Billy Mack:
Let's get pissed and watch porn.

Colin:
Beautiful muffin for a beautiful lady

Colin:
Try my lovely nuts.

Billy Mack:
Oh! F*** wank bugger shitting arse head and hole!

Daniel:
When she first mentioned what's about to happen, I said, "Over my dead body." And she said, "No, Daniel, over mine..."

Karen:
Now which doll shall we give Daisy's little friend Emily? The one that looks like a transvestite or the one that looks like a dominatrix?

Prime Minister:
God, you weigh a lot!

Natalie:
Oh, shut your face!

Karen:
The trouble with being the Prime Minister's sister is it does put your life into rather harsh perspective. What did my brother do today? He stood up and fought for his country. And what did I do? I made a papier-maché lobster head.

Daniel:
Option One: ask her out.

Sam:
Impossible.

Daniel:
Fair enough. Option Two: become her friend.

Sam:
She's the most popular girl in school and she hates boys.

Daniel:
Okay. Option Three: kidnap her and keep her tied up in your room until she agrees to marry you.

Sam:
It's a route I've considered.

Daniel:
And quite rightly rejected on the grounds of...

Sam:
Hygiene.

Jamie:
You learned English?

Aurelia:
Just in cases.

Sam:
There's a big concert at the end of the term, and Joanna's going to be in it. I thought, if I was in the concert, and played really, really well, there's a chance she might fall in love with me. What do you think?

Daniel:
I think it's brilliant! It's stellar! Uh, apart from the one little, obvious, tiny, little baby hiccup...

Sam:
That I don't play a musical instrument.

Daniel:
Yessir.

Sam:
A tiny, insignificant detail.

Daniel:
You know, Sammy, I'm sure she's beautiful and talented and all that, but... the general wisdom is that, despite what the movies say, there isn't just one person in the world for each of us.

Sam:
There was for Kate and Leo. There was for you. There is for me.

Sam:
She's "the one".

Daniel:
Fair enough.

Karen:
Loitering around the jewellery counter, I see!

Harry:
No. I was just looking around.

Karen:
Don't worry, my expectations are not that high after 13 years of Mr. "Oh-but-you-always-LOVE-scarves"!

Daniel:
So what's the problem, Sammy-o? Is it just Mum or is it something else? Maybe... school – are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Can you give me any clues at all?

Sam:
You really want to know?

Daniel:
I really want to know.

Sam:
Even though you won't be able to do anything to help?

Daniel:
Even if that's the case, yeah.

Sam:
OK. The truth is actually... I'm in love.

Daniel:
Sorry?

Sam:
I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time, and I am. But the truth is I'm in love and I was before she died, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Daniel:
Aren't you a bit young to be in love?

Sam:
No.

Daniel:
Oh, OK, right. Well, I'm a little relieved.

Sam:
Why?

Daniel:
Well, you know – I thought it might be something worse.

Sam:
[incredulous] Worse than the total agony of being in love?

Daniel:
Oh. No, you're right. Yeah, total agony.

Harry:
Sarah, turn off your phone and tell me exactly how long you've been working for us.

Sarah:
Two years, seven months, three days and what, about two hours.

Harry:
And how long have you been in love with Karl, our enigmatic chief designer?

[pause]

Sarah:
Two years, seven months, three days and I'd say about an hour and thirty minutes.

Harry:
I thought as much.

Sarah:
Do you think everybody knows?

Harry:
Yes.

Sarah:
Does Karl know?

Harry:
Yes.

Annie:
And this is Natalie. She's new as well.

Natalie:
Hello David. I mean, Sir. Sh*t, I can't believe I've just said that. And now I've gone and said 'sh*t'. Twice. Oh, I'm so sorry Sir.

Prime Minister:
That's alright. You could have said 'f***' and then we'd all be in trouble.

Natalie:
Thank you, Sir. I did have a terrible premonition I was going to f*** up on my first day. Oh piss it!

Billy Mack:
I realized that Christmas is the time to be with the people you love.

Joe:
Right.

Billy Mack:
And I realized that as dire chance and fateful cockup would have it, here I am, mid 50s, and without knowing it I've gone and spent most of my adult life with a chubby employee. And much as it grieves me to say it, it might be that the people I love is, in fact... you.

[pause]

Joe:
Well, this is a surprise.

Billy Mack:
Yeah...

Joe:
Ten minutes at Elton John's and you're as gay as a maypole.

Billy Mack:
I left Elton's, where there were a hefty number of half-naked chicks with their mouths open, in order to hang out with you, at Christmas.

Joe:
Well, Bill...

Billy Mack:
It's a terrible, terrible mistake, Chubs, but you turn out to be the f***ing love of my life. And to be honest, despite all my complaining, we have had a wonderful life.

Karen:
Tell me, what would you do in my position?

Harry:
What position is that?

Karen:
Imagine your husband bought a gold necklace and come Christmas gave it to somebody else...

Harry:
Oh, Karen...

Karen:
Would you wait around to find out if it's just a necklace, or if it's sex and a necklace, or if worst of all it's a necklace and love? Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse? Or would you cut and run?

Harry:
Oh, God. I am so in the wrong. The classic fool.

Karen:
[voice breaking] Yes, but you've also made a fool out of me, and you've made the life I lead foolish too.

Daisy:
We've been given our parts in the nativity play! And I'm the lobster!

Karen:
The Lobster?

Daisy:
Yeah!

Karen:
In the nativity play?

Daisy:
Yeah! First Lobster!

Karen:
There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?

Daisy:
Duh!

[the curtain goes up at the finale of the student concert, revealing Natalie and the Prime Minister passionately snogging]

Prime Minister:
Right. So not quite as secret as we'd hoped.

Natalie:
What do we do now?

Prime Minister:
Smile. Little bow. And a wave. [all of which they do, awkwardly]

Colin:
I've just worked out why I can't find true love.

Tony:
Why is that?

Colin:
English girls. They're stuck up, you see. And I am primarily attractive to girls, you know, who are cooler, game for a laugh. Like American girls. So I should just go to America! I'd get a girlfriend there instantly. What do you think?

Tony:
I think it's...crap, Colin.

Colin:
That's where you're wrong. American girls would dig me with my cute British accent.

Tony:
You don't have a cute British accent.

Colin:
Yes, I do! I'm going to America.

Tony:
Colin, you're a lonely, ugly arsehole. Accept it.

Colin:
Never. I am Colin, God of Sex. I'm just on the wrong continent, that's all.

Colin:
Exciting news!

Tony:
What?

Colin:
I bought a ticket to the States. I'm off in three weeks!

Tony:
No!

Colin:
Yes! To a fantastic little place called Wisconsin!

Tony:
No!

Colin:
Yes! Wisconsin babes, here comes Sir Colin!

Tony:
No, Col! There are a few babes in America, I grant you, but they're going out with rich, attractive guys.

Colin:
Nah, Tone, you're just jealous. You know perfectly well that any bar anywhere in America contains ten girls more beautiful and more likely to have sex with me than the whole of the United Kingdom.

Tony:
That is total bollocks. You’ve actually gone mad.

Colin:
No, I'm wise. Stateside I am Prince William without the weird family.

Tony:
No, Col. No.

Colin:
Yes!

Tony:
Nyet!

Colin:
Da!

Tony:
Nein!

Colin:
Ja, darling!

Harry:
Right, the Christmas party, not my favourite night of the year and your unhappy job to organise.

Mia:
Tell me.

Harry:
It's basic, really. Find a venue, over-order on the drinks, bulk buy the guacamole and advise the girls to avoid Kevin if they want their breasts unfondled.

Clerk:
Looking for anything in particular, sir?

Harry:
Ah, yeah. That necklace there, how much is it?

Clerk:
It's 270 pounds, sir.

Harry:
Oh, alright, I'll have it thanks..

Clerk:
Lovely. Would you like it gift-wrapped?

Harry:
Oh. Yeah, why not.

Clerk:
Lovely. Just pop that in there. (puts in in a box, measures out ribbon)

Harry:
Can we be quite quick?

Clerk:
Certainly, sir. Ready in the flashiest of flashes. (ties ribbon) There.

Harry:
That's great!

Clerk:
Not...quite. (gets a small bag)

Harry:
I don't need a bag, I'll just put it in my pocket.

Clerk:
Oh this isn't a bag, sir.

Harry:
No?

Clerk:
This is so much more than a bag. (puts box in bag and sets it upright)

Harry:
Can we be quite quick?

Clerk:
Prontissimo! (fills the bag with flowers petals and lavender. Brings out something else)

Harry:
What's that?!

Clerk:
It's a cinnamon stick, sir.

Harry:
Can we get a move on?

Clerk:
You won't regret it.

Harry:
Wanna bet?

Clerk:
There. Almost finished.

Harry:
"Almost finished"?! What else are you gonna do, you gonna dip it in yoghurt? Cover it in chocolate buttons?

Clerk:
No, sir. Just pop it in the Christmas box.

Harry:
But I don't want a Christmas box!

Clerk:
You said you wanted it gift-wrapped sir.

Harry:
I did, but-

Clerk:
This is the final flourish, sir.

Harry:
Can I just pay?!

Clerk:
All we need now...

Harry:
Oh God!

Clerk:
Is a sprig of holly.

Harry:
No! No! No bloody holly!

Colin:
Farewell, failure. America, watch out! Here comes Colin Frissell. (singing tenor) And he's got a big knoooob!

Prime Minister:
We may be a small country, but we are a great one. A country of Shakespeare, Churchill, The Beatles, Sean Connery, Harry Potter, David Beckham's right foot, David Beckham's left foot come to that...

Billy Mack:
Thank you, Ant or Dec.

Judy:
[to Jack] All I want for Christmas is you.

Billy Mack:
[after fluffing up recording his song "Christmas is All Around" for the second time] Oh, f***, wank, bugger, shitting, arse, head and hole!